Friday, July 22, 2016

#12 - The Joy Of Camping

NOTE: We'll be back on the 15th with a big ass announcement! Sorry, no hints, but anyone who guesses 'B&B get gay married' gets a slap in the teeth


(We're heading out on a big camping trip this weekend with some friends. We both love camping, and yet cannot ever adequately explain to anyone why we enjoy it)


112 comments:

  1. There are people in the world who don't have any rocks to lie on and here you are making fun of it.

    And a burned hot dog? There are starving people in Detroit who would kill for that sort of thing. Literally kill.

    I guess you DID say it was fun, but there was something about the way you said it that makes me doubt your sincerity.

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    1. It IS fun, dammit! Why doesn't anyone believe us?

      And I tried to mail some rocks to the poor children in Africa for them to sleep on, but postage came to almost $1,000. I almost feel like I would have been better off mailing them a bed than I would have sending 200 lbs worth of rocks. Then again, they ARE those upgraded, Sleep Number™ rocks.

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    2. I always find your comments so funny, Nasreen. I, also, sensed their lack of enthusiasm for camping. Perhaps we have intuitive powers.

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    3. Nas IS really funny. One of these days if she ever gets tired of writing excellent stories she can come work (unpaid) for us.

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  2. Ick. Camping. I will never be in a situation where I enjoy doing that, for all of the reasons you just gave and more. Being eaten by bugs, smelling like smoke for weeks afterward, bugs, dirt, no indoor plumbing, bugs, the small fortune you have to spend to get all of the equipment, bugs, and the sheer amount of time it takes to get everything set up just in time to take it all down again. Blech. No thanks.

    Oh - but - Hey, uh...have fun, and stuff...

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    1. Don't forget sitting around the campfire, and no matter where you position yourself, the smoke always blows directly into your face and blinds you. It's like having mother nature spit in your eyes. That's a personal favorite.

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  3. We're off camping this weekend, too. But now we have a camper. With mattresses, and air conditioning.

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    1. I'm sure at a certain point we'll reach full-on glamping.

      "Hey, is your cellphone picking up wi-fi?"
      "No. The TV isn't picking up anything, either. What's the point of camping if we can't stream Netflix in our giant RV?"
      "Man, roughing it is the WORST."

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  4. And, if you camp on the coast, like we did on Vancouver Island at Tofino and area, everything is moist or dripping when you awake. So much moisture, you're right next to the ocean which has a surplus of that stuff. I mean, I know we're in the northern rainforest but . . .As for the bugs, they love fresh city human meat, that city blood of yours must taste of craft beer, perhaps. . .On one camping trip I was bitten by mosquitos which must have fed off a decaying moose or something, as I had INFECTED mosquito bites. . .damn nature sometimes. I told the kids the outhouse was 'Fraggle Rock'. Well they asked. . .

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    1. So you're telling me that you got bitten by an army of tiny, diseased swamp-monsters and lived to tell the tale? Remind me not to mess with you!

      It's fairly dry here, so we don't have any of that. Plus, we just taste like crippling depression, so the mosquitoes don't bite us much.

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  5. I've been camping once. It was the stuff nightmares are made of. All it lacked was being chased through the woods by a guy with an axe.

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    1. That's why we bring our own axes, so that if anyone's doing the chasin', it's us.

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  6. Man, we always used to go camping with the family during summer vacation, and it was always hella nice. But that was on an island, on a camping where you had to pay for a spot, with a small store a five-minute walk away and a small town a twenty-minute walk away. So, not out in the boonies. At least we wouldn't have gotten eaten by bears regardless, we don't have such hazards over here.

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    1. Oh, you haven't lived until you've been asked by a park ranger to help them shoo away a bear. It involves a big group of people waving their arms and yelling and stomping, and apparently we scared it away, because we escaped that night relatively uneaten.

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  7. B&B:
    I used to call spending a night in a hotel or motel room with a 20" color TV "camping out"...LOL.
    I could survive in the wild IF I absolutely HAD to, but why tempt fate (and annoy wild animals), hmm?
    At least we don't have FOOT-LONG centipedes or spiders larger than your hand like they have in say...southeast ASIA.

    Yes, there are SO many "joys" to be had in the wilderness when you commune with nature.
    (and NATURE has the UPPER hand with better odds against you than ANY casino...just so 'ya know.)

    Very good post (funny cartoons too).

    Stay safe out there, you "Grizzly Adams" guys.
    (BTW, bears love peanut butter)

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    1. Thanks! So... peanut butter sandwiches, not a good idea? And honestly, I think I'd rather deal with a bear than a foot long centipede. I know that sounds ridiculous, but it's 100% true.

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  8. Replies
    1. Haven't encountered that one yet. We try not to eat, wipe ourselves, or generally roll around in any leaves.

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  9. I need a cabin if I camp. Forget the whole rugged outdoors thing. I need a bathroom with running water and a toilet!

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    1. But if you do that, how can you enjoy the experience of digging up a bathroom hole with your poop shovel*?

      *haven't had to do that one yet, hopefully never

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  10. You mean the hot dogs that are burned on the outside but still frozen on the inside?
    Yum!

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    1. Hells yes! Rubbery on the outside, crunchy on the inside - it's practically a delicacy.

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  11. Glad you're looking forward to it!

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    1. We really are. God help us, we really are.

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  12. Gawd, I despise camping and never, ever do it. But on the other hand, I adore hotdogs cooked over an open fire until they are charred black. Now that's good eatin' right there. Fuck carcinogens.

    Now, in all seriousness, special kudos for that brilliantly illustrated panel "Now reflect on the poor life choices that will forever haunt your soul."

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    1. Don't forget blackened marshmallows. Those go well with blackened hotdogs.

      And thanks! Nothing like sitting around a fire in complete silence to really drum up the feelings of 'how the hell did I get to this place in my life'.

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  13. And your clothes reek of wood smoke when you get home! What's not to love?

    I haven't been camping for a long time, but I used to really like it too for some unaccountable reason. I think it had something to do with sitting around a comforting fire in some strange, unknown place.

    My family used to go camping every summer when I was younger, but they got a little soured on it after they started feeling like we were cursed because it rained every time we went. Couldn't have anything to do with living in northeastern Ohio; it had to be a curse!

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    1. I just like the idea of being disconnected. None of our phones work up there, so we're forced to interact with each other. And by that, I mean sit around a fire in silence drinking beer and occasionally grunting.

      And your family isn't the only one. I think we're cursed because every time we go up to the mountains in winter for some winter camping there's a bunch of snow on the ground. Every. Single. Time. Just our luck, right?

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  14. The only reason I like camping: s'mores.
    Have a great trip!

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    1. We get the strangest looks when we go to the grocery store and just buy marshmallows, Hersheys bars, and graham crackers. But we don't care, because s'mores.

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  15. This is so weird, I had to post:
    [im]https://slm-assets3.secondlife.com/assets/7822223/lightbox/Marshmallow_Roast_on_Rock_AD.jpg?1369948154[/im]

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    1. So is she sitting on a melted marshmallow, or is that supposed to be a rock? I want my money back! This animation is horrible! It doesn't even move! -5 stars!

      This isn't particularly funny. I guess I'm just hungry.
      [im]http://thefunniestpictures.com/wp-content/uploads/2016/03/oreo-cookie-roasted-marshmallow.jpg[/im]

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    2. That looks damn good.

      Yeah, the words got cut off, but they don't add clarity. I think she's sitting on marshmallow. Apparently, if one sits on it and holds the stick, the marshmallow appears to roast. Apparently they weren't only ingesting marshmallows when they came up with that graphic.

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  16. Never camped. Used to go on vacation with a travel trailer, or of course we sailed when I was young. That's fun, being tossed around the North Sea in a force 8 gale spewing your guts out. You should try that some day, you would probably love it. Then you have to eat without slopping everything all over yourself. Never thought about it before, but camping has nothing on sailing.

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    1. Also, I can't swim, so I'd be in the corner of the boat wearing an armor suit of those inflatable floaties. I'd simultaneously be praying we didn't sink, while also praying to the porcelain god. Sounds like a good time!

      [im]http://www.tshirtvortex.net/wp-content/uploads/Troubled-Waters.jpg[/im]

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  17. What? No pooping in a hole and wiping it off with leaves comic? The cat is so disappointed your litterbox etiquette was left out.

    Camping and joy never ever go in the same sentence for me. I have a bed, I have running water, I have toilet paper, why in the hell would I want to go lie in the woods in places where the many animals probably took a piss over the years? I'm sure the dog will oblige me if I really want that. If I wanted to experiment with being a hobo I'd at least go get a can and shake it on the street corner, may get a few bucks from people as opposed to a few bucks stealing what crappy food I had to bring with me. Then there's the bugs, the bears, the pot heads and the real hobos who may or may not be a serial killer. Yep, what's not to love?

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    1. Hmmm, maybe it just makes us appreciate all those things when we come back? Hell, at this point, I don't know why we like it so much.

      Every place we've gone so far has had an outhouse, so no digging your own toilet for us. Yet, anyway. It's not glamorous, but at least it's not this redneck contraption.

      [im]http://ct.fra.bz/il/fz/se/i58/5/11/21/f_590321a2ff.jpg[/im]

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    2. Suppose that is true, appreciate the things all the more. haha gotta love rednecks

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  18. I hate camping. I hate cleaning fish that have been caught in the lake. I hate the bugs. I hate sleepin in a tent. I hate cooking outside. I hate squatting near a bush to pee. If I go camping I want a log cabin, with running water a working toilet, air conditioning, a working kitchen and a nice bed to sleep in. We can still catch fish and bbq it on the bbq. LOL

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    1. Around here they have "glamping" resorts dedicated to just that, and I won't lie, if I had the money, I'd try it in a heartbeat. It sounds so amazing, in the most lazy way possible.

      [im]http://blog.sndimg.com/gac/dunton-hot-springs.jpg[/im]

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    2. I can't blame women for hating camping. Unless you're a guy and you're doing #1, taking care of business sucks without a toilet.

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    3. My wife is no princess by any means, but I imagine it'll be a cold day in hell before she stoops over and pees on the ground in the name of camping.

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  19. Watch out for Dropbears...no hang on, that's camping here, watch out for plain bears. Please don't get eaten by anything furry.
    Just eat " s'mores" , I have heard they are as essential to camping as those hot dogs.
    Never tried them sadly

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    1. I had to Google Dropbears. They're the most adorable hoax ever. Ours are always big ugly things like Bigfoot and Chupacabra.

      But worry not, the only real furries we have around here aren't found in camp sites. We still avoid them at all costs, though.

      [im]http://img15.deviantart.net/6418/i/2016/125/7/2/yiff_yoff_by_garbeezy-da1e42q.jpg[/im]

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  20. I haven't actually ever "tent" camped. I am such a baby that I assumed camping with a 26 foot trailer as "roughing it". Well, you still have to cook on a tiny little stove and use a tiny little bathroom with a tiny little shower. That is rough.

    A couple of months ago, we were traveling and got stuck in a "whereinthehellarewe" USA and spent the night at a Motel 6. Honest to Gawd...if it ever gets rougher than that I hope a Grizzly bear just kills me. I know...I am a spoiled brat.

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    1. One time the wife and I stayed in a crappy hotel room where there were ants all over the walls and the AC didn't work. It was practically like camping, and yet somehow worse because it wasn't SUPPOSED to be like that. And how the hell do ants get into a room on the 4th floor, anyway?

      At least when I'm camping and I'm laying in the dirt, sweating my ass off, and I see ants climbing on my tent, I know that that's what nature intended.

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  21. Camping is fun because you get to get drunk and urinate wherever you want while continuing the conversation over your shoulder. Or peeing on a fire. Or peeing in a river. Or peeing on the drunk opossum who got into the near-empty beer cans left strewn about. Or peeing on the pee on the pee that was peed on your passed-out friend. Or pee on Calvin peeing on a Ford logo peeing on a peeing Calvin peeing on a Toyota logo that's incontinent (which is really hard to depict in bumper sticker form).
    Or I could be brief and use images, as suggested:
    [im]http://s2.quickmeme.com/img/0d/0d2301b1d2211de6c8467bc0b0e717c411b981b370f7f1589dd4ec36136ea494.jpg[/im]

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    1. Holy crap, that's amazing. I think you just described pee-ception.

      [im]http://img.memecdn.com/peeception_o_193399.webp[/im]

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  22. I used to LOVE camping, whether it be in a tent, a camper, or in a hammock under the stars. You don't have to give a reason for loving it. You just do. Is there any smell in the world better than breakfast cooking over an open fire in the early morning...?

    Have a super time!

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    1. Yes, those 99 cent hot dogs smell way better in the morning than they did at night!

      Errr, I guess maybe we should bring ingredients for a skillet or something. And thanks! We sure will.

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  23. Ok...Iam commenting right after this disturbing furry photo. I enjoy camping even though all you write about is true:) I have slept on the ground and woken up feeling like Wily E. coyote picking up pieces of my body to piece them back again. We now have a blow up mattress which helps a lot. Bug spray is a must especially since the mosquitos love my hubby and he gets huge welts. A couple of years ago he had over 70 bites on just one foot( bit around the open areas of his sandals) and over 30 on the other foot. When I showed a pic of his foot to the pharmacist, i thought I would have to pick up his eyes off the floor. Benadryl and cortisone cream really helped. We never did meet up with bears the way my dad did but I did have an encounter with a raccoon and a family of skunks that sauntered through our campsite. I have had poison ivy.....all over my body and needed an adrenaline shot. Have fun on your camping trip.

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    1. Over 100 total bites? I'm pretty sure I'd faint just looking at that picture. I guess we're lucky we haven't been bitten like that. Or ravaged by poison ivy. Or attacked by wild raccoons. Really makes that lack of a blow up mattress seem pretty insignificant by comparison.

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  24. Went on a camping trip on the Saco River up in Maine two weekends ago. This year it rained the entire weekend. I slept in a puddle for three days. On the plus side, there wasn't as many mosquitoes. The leeches were out in force, though. The funny thing is that we make this same trip every year and we spend the whole weekend complaining about how much better the previous year was. It's pretty fun, though.

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    1. We don't have leeches here. I can sleep in a puddle, but if I woke up with leeches on me, I'm pretty sure I'd have to burn whatever extremity it was on and then cleanse the stump(s) with holy water. Never can be too careful, you know.

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  25. That's definitely how I remember my one camping trip... as long as you add the massive head games being played with me by the girl I was trying to hook up with.

    One of the most miserable weekends of my life... and I've been to December football games in Cleveland!

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    1. Hmmm, I had never tried to hook up with anyone on a camping trip. That sounds awkward.

      "Hey, wanna crawl into my 2-person tent that can barely fit me and bang on the dirt? You won't be able to walk afterwards, and that will have nothing to do with the quality of the sex and everything to do with the massive jutting rock stabbing you in the back."

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  26. My last camping event (EVER) was in the summer of 2000...I hiked down the Grand Canyon Havasupai trail, and while the scenery at the bottom was beautiful, the two nights of sleeping on rocky ground (my backpacker's mattress was a joke) led me to swear off such things for life.

    Yep, if it were up to me, not only would the West have never been tamed, but America would not have been discovered because I'd have stayed in that nice comfy bed across the pond!

    I liked camping when I was young-guess I've turned wimpy in my old age.

    LC

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    1. We're with you on that. Traveling out west in that era sounds like it would have been an absolute nightmare. Like how the group you started with would almost never be the group you ended up with at your destination because of the constant deaths.

      If my choice was between this and staying in England, I would have just stayed, no question. All hail the queen!
      [im]http://www.strangeloopgames.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/01/Dysentary.png[/im]

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  27. Haha, pretty much all the cons in one.
    Most people exaggerate the pros vs the actual cons.

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    1. But there ARE actual pros, at least.

      Pro: Making s'mores as an adult male is suddenly not unmanly if it's done while camping.

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  28. I had a friend who really wanted to go camping for a couple of days over the uni holidays. But of course it's winter here and at the time, we were having torrential winds that were literally toppling caravans. My parents asked repeatedly why we were doing this and the only answer I could give was "...because my friend wants to." In the end, that friend pulled out an hour before we were meant to leave and there was no way my other friend and I were going to go if she didn't.

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    1. But you really missed a great opportunity to dazzle everyone with your Jack Nicholson impression.

      [im]https://media.serious.io/98022d365a031598/static.gif[/im]

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  29. Yeah, no.

    I. Don't. Camp. Period.

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    1. That's probably for the best, and we wish we were as smart as you, but we really just are not.

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  30. When I was young I camped all year round. I love winter snowshoeing and camping but that was a long time ago. Still, it is great to have those memories. Loved the cartoon!

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    1. With each passing year winter camping slowly continues to transition from 'this is so much fun!' to 'this is a monument to man's arrogance'.

      Thanks!

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  31. I know what that picture is missing: Red Solo Cups. Which are NOT filled with Kool-Aid.
    Going on my 12th Annual Camping Trip this Wednesday.
    We're bringing the cups.

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    1. Whatever happened to just drinking straight from the can/bottle? When I'm busy camping I don't have time for such trivial things as pouring my alcohol into another container.

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  32. I know what that picture is missing: Red Solo Cups. Which are NOT filled with Kool-Aid.
    Going on my 12th Annual Camping Trip this Wednesday.
    We're bringing the cups.

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    1. If they were filled with Kool-Aid you might want to consider that you're no longer camping and have most likely joined a death cult.

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  33. I know what that picture is missing: Red Solo Cups. Which are NOT filled with Kool-Aid.
    Going on my 12th Annual Camping Trip this Wednesday.
    We're bringing the cups.

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    1. "You bring the cups, we'll bring the pee!" - Bear Grylls

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  34. I used to camp, but the lumpy ground thing got old. Besides, I hate getting out of my sleeping bag to go pee. When I was out in the mountains and I saw grizzly tracks nearby I couldn't sleep well. Maybe it is just self discipline to learn to handle sleep deprivation. That comes in handy now and then.

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    1. That probably does come in handy. Meanwhile, I sleep like the dead, so if a bear ever attacks our camp, I'll be passed out cold right up until the point that I pass through his small intestine.

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  35. I've actually never been camping before in my life. A friend of mine lvoes it and is insisting she will drag me on a camping trip but she lives in America so I've got plenty of time to continue to avoid living in the wilderness. I don't dislike the idea of camping. I have no doubt I would enjoy being close to nature. I'm just quite sure I don't want to be so close that it could kill me.

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    1. If you go to an actual campground it won't kill you, but that won't necessarily make it pleasant. I don't think most people's idea of being close to nature is curling up in the dirt with a nice firm rock pillow while getting assaulted by mosquitoes.

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  36. I've actually never gone camping. Weird? I dont think so. I slept outside once. Doesn't that count?

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    1. All camping is is sleeping outside for the night and not dying, so I'd say you've camped with the best of them.

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  37. I don't get the camping thing. Give me five star resorts. Bugs, rocks, peeing outside, nope.

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    1. What about 5 star camping? Mosquito nets, inflatable air mattresses, outhouses... yeah, all of the sweet amenities.

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  38. I haven't camped since I was a teenager. I'm hoping to rectify that soon (midlife crisis).

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    1. Wow, most guys in a midlife crisis just buy an overly phallic looking sports car. Way to change things up!

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  39. My husband refuses to camp because of all of those reasons . . . and the fact that we live where it likes to rain. No matter what the forecasters predict, people from the NW bring two tarps on a camping trip and a lot of rope - to put up a giant rain shelter above the tent and cooking area. Campsites with at least three trees (for three tie-off points) are best.

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    1. We're big fans of the tarp awning. The best part is when your rope gets stuck up in the tree and you have to figure out which of you is adept enough to climb up and fetch it. The answer: usually none of us. Goodbye rope. We really liked you.

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  40. I love camping!!!!
    From a hotel. With air conditioner. And room service. o_O LOL -- I would love camping so much more if mosquitos didn't have a thing for me. I'm seriously a magnet for those suckers, grrrr! Hope you guys had fun!!! :D

    S.K. Anthony: Are Audiobooks Really Outselling Print Books?

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    1. Well, you can always use that to your advantage if you want to feel better about yourself.

      "I don't like to brag, but I can attract 100 fly honeys at once. I'm just that irresistible."

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  41. OH God camping sucks! last time I went camping was when I was in Girl Scouts like 15 years ago (can't believe I just said that...feeling VERY old right now!) anyways yeah...great representation...mosquito bites are the absolute WORST!

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    1. The last time we were in Boy Scouts was about 25 years ago, so if you feel old, then don't mind us ancient fogeys over here farting dust.

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  42. Hope you had a great time! I went camping a few times. The first time I went, it was my mom and siblings. I don't know what possessed my mother to take her three young children camping. It rained. I was told not to touch the tent or the water would come in. Of course, I had to touch it. We woke full of mud, tent halfway down, and made it to some bar to clean up where all the patrons stopped in horror to witness a single mom's joy of camping. LOL!

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    1. Ha! That's horrific. And yet, for all of that, I bet there are still worse camping stories. That's the great thing about camping - no matter how awful you just had it, someone's had it worse. Guaranteed.

      "Yeah, well, you didn't get chased by bear into an outhouse and have it get knocked over by said angry bear, who didn't leave for 4 whole hours." - Someone, probably

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  43. I used to enjoy camping when I was younger. Before my body started to ache for no reason other than I just woke up and rolled out of bed. Just wait, it'll happen to you too. Hope you're having fun battling mosquitoes, bears, snakes, etc.

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    1. Oh, see, we're just practicing for that by doing all of that camping. Once you've slept on rocks, the body aches of old age are nothing in comparison.

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  44. Ahhh, camping. Where we spend tons of money to live like homeless people. I love it and there is no lawn to mow!

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    1. Hey, you're right. There's also no carpet to vacuum or tile to scrub. No wonder we love camping so much.

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  45. I see you survived! Hope it was loads of fun :)

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    1. If camping can't kill us, then nothing can! WE ARE INVINCI- *spine snaps in half*

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  46. I love the misery of camping. It builds character.

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    1. If that's the case, then I've built enough character to put my ass into a wheelchair permanently.

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  47. I tent camped when my kids where little. Now, camping for me is the nearest hotel.

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    1. 'were' not 'where'....geez, I need coffee!

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    2. The thought of camping puts us in mental distress too, so that typo is completely understandable.

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  48. LOL! I'll take cruising any day. My dad (a scout master for 20+ years) took me on enough high adventures to last a life time. Or two. Don't get me wrong, I can hike, repel, scuba and spelunk like a pro, but that doesn't mean I'd seek after it.

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    1. Wow, that's impressive. I love all of those things, but my idea of a good time is more like hiking to the liquor store, repelling the urge to max out the credit card, scubaing through a sea of beer, and then spelunking to get the last drops out of the bottom of the bottle.

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  49. My boyfriend took me camping once.

    ONCE.

    Never again. :D

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    1. Wow. Is he still your boyfriend? Because I would definitely know better than to drag my wife camping if I wanted to remain married to her.

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  50. I used to love camping, and then I suddenly didn't. I couldn't tell you why I loved it then or even so much why I hate it now. Except that as an insomniac the nights were long and miserable. And cold. Have fun!

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    1. I think the answer is becoming an adult with too much shit to deal with. Suddenly, sleeping on rocks and eating burnt hot dogs isn't so much fun after you've spent 40+ hours dealing with pure bullshit and just want to spend your weekend in an ice-cream induced coma.

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  51. Hope you guys had fun on your camping trip! Sometimes I like the great outdoors, and sometimes I prefer indoor plumbing.

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    1. Thanks! I wouldn't mind outdoor plumbing, but I don't think we've made it that far as a society yet.

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  52. Hi B & B! Hope you had a great time, and didn't run into any bears or anyone from Deliverance.

    I'm off to read your story about guns knowing that there won't be any graphic scenes of blood and dismemberment to keep me awake all night.

    Julie

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    1. We ran into a bear that said we had 'purdy mouths', but we just ignored him and let him get back to the dumpster buffet he was dining out of, so it was all good. Thanks!

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