Monday, May 23, 2016

#09 - Bored Housewives in YOUR Area



Today I celebrate my 5th wedding anniversary. It makes me happy, because I couldn't possibly love her more (even though each year I somehow do), but it also makes me feel old as hell. Where does all the time go?

Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go be groomed like a chimpanzee.
(Why the hell do you women love picking and popping zits so much?)

~Bryan


119 comments:

  1. Glad my wife doesn't do that!
    Happy anniversary, Bryan. And yeah, it does keep getting better and I love my wife more.

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! Not only do I love her more, but my shoulders are cleaner and more acne scarred than ever!

      Delete
  2. So glad I'm not the only one with a zit fetish. I chase my husband and teenage sons around the house to get first dibs on those suckers. Oh and watching zit popping YouTube videos is truly orgasmic! Happy, Happy Anniversary. May you have a serious breakout so your wife will be thrilled. Happy wife, happy life ya know!

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    1. Thanks! You know, I was always under the impression that acne was supposed to only hit you as a teenager. I wasn't prepared for a lifetime of this. My wife sure is, though.

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  3. Major congratulations on reaching five years of wedded bliss. I'd say you know a woman is a keeper if she's willing to help get rid of spots. Have a good day together, and here's to many more.

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    1. Many thanks. To most five years probably sounds like nothing but here in America that's an eternity. We've already lasted 25.3 times longer than Kim Kardashian's first marriage.

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    2. And let's not forget, Britney Spears. You've lasted 33 times longer than her marriage to that Alexander guy.

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    3. Okay, so by those numbers, maybe 5 years IS the new gold.

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  4. Happy 5th Anniversary!!! Crazy the things that married people do, huh... but everything is done with love in the lucky marriages. I wish you the best for this anniversary and the next 50, 60, or 70 or whatever. Then you really can feel old.

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    1. Thanks! I think we got shafted, though. I know 50 is gold and 25 is silver. So what's 5 years? Copper? Wood? Brass spray paint over plastic?

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    2. Yes, it is wood..and there are probably some "interesting" ways to infer wood...but the modern list says it's silverware. That seems rather old-fashiony for a list that prides itself on being modern. I think maybe you wife should make up her own list.

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    3. "Here, honey. I got you this tree stump. Before you get mad, I'm just trying to be modern. Happy wood anniversary!"

      Delete
  5. lol well having a wife that pops zits can't be any more "joyful" than a cat who's intent on pulling your arm hair out.

    Happy Anniversary. If you're old now, what happens when 50 comes around? Ancient?

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    1. Wow, either that's a weird cat or you've got forest arms. Or both? I've never had a cat do that. Or a wife. Thankfully.

      And thanks! I'm already starting to feel ancient, so what comes after that? Archaic? Antique?

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    2. Orlin is a weird cat lol

      Antique has a nice ring to it.

      Delete
  6. Happy Anniversary! Couples do the strangest things. After 25 years with my old man I'm glad we don't have pimples anymore. I never thought they would go away though. lol

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    1. So they DO finally go away? Wow, that's nice to hear. The only thing more depressing than being a 15 year old covered in acne is being a 30 year old covered in acne.

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  7. Puh-ritty sure that's just your woman pal, my condolences. Congrats on holding it out for so long though, you may be heading towards a new world record. Keep at it!
    (Also yeah you're definitely right, I did end on kind of a shitty cliffhanger-esque part. Expect more to that story sometime this week!)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh no, it's not just my wife. It's really a thing. I have yet to understand it, but I have the rest of my natural life to attempt to figure it out.

      Delete
    2. Well, I guess I'm never getting married.

      Also, hey, "The narrator should be impartial". I get why that can be important, but it isn't a strict rule right? What if the narrator is someone from the story, or just a biased storyteller? (None of those things are the case in my story, so your advice still stands.)

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    3. I replied over on your blog so as not to clutter up our comment thread with sagely advice. I wouldn't want people thinking we're somewhat competent.

      Delete
  8. Aw! Happy Anniversary! Have fun!

    I don't pick at other people's zits, but I have a hard time leaving my own alone. And I'm pretty pissed that I still break out like I do! Isn't that supposed to be one of the benefits of growing up?!? Because if it's really going to be like this, I want a refund!!!

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    1. According to Mary above it does finally go away, but I believe she's 50+ and I was really hoping that I could enjoy a balance of youthful looks AND no acne at some point in my life. I guess not.

      True story: the other day I bought a pack of those Biore strips for blackheads on your nose, and I casually mentioned to my wife, "Wow, I've technically been using these for almost 20 years now." And then I instantly felt a heart-wrenching wave of depression.

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  9. There are few things as satisfying as popping a giant blackhead.

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    1. To anyone who says the female orgasm doesn't exist just have them parade in front of a woman with a massive, gleaming pimple, ready to burst.

      Delete
  10. My hubby can relate to you and I, to your wife:) I have no idea what it is but if I see one or feel one while touching my hubby's back, it compels me to rid his back of those suckers and inflict some pain as well. Signed Ms. Ancient on her way to Archaic­čśä

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, yes, 100% yes. If she sees one not only does she want to get it, but she wants to pick my whole back until I end up looking like I've been attacked by wasps.

      Delete
  11. Happy Anniversary! That's all I'm going to say.

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    1. And here we had wanted to hear all about how that works in a lesbian relationship. Who is the popper, or do both of you pop each other?

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  12. The sad thing is I knew exactly what the title was referring to even before I clicked on the post.

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    1. Between those allegedly bored housewives and those 'increase your penis by 18 inches' ads, I'm beginning to think that skeezy web ads have just been lying to us.

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  13. My other half is obsessed with blackheads too, it fecking hurts!

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    1. It's hard to appear manly when your lady lightly squeezes on your back and you let out a high pitched "Owie!", isn't it?

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  14. Happy anniversary Bryan. I've never been bored enough to pop the hubby's pimples. Eeeew. When I'm bored I clean house and do yard work. So you can imagine I am not bored very often :)

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    1. Would you trade boredoms with my wife? I'd give anything for her to want to willingly clean house and do yard work.

      Delete
  15. Happy anniversary! I do not do that unless specifically called forth to do so and slip into some latex gloves. (You know, when I typed latex gloves into the image search engine, I really didn't expect what I got. Seriously, I should expect that from the internet by now.)

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    1. For the sake of your remaining innocence, let me just post this weird picture of a kid trying to wear a pair of gloves like a jacket.

      [im]http://www.mysuburbanlife.com/_internal/cimg!0/1ja0x02vnncysm0u5k8aszy7njvwxj1[/im]

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    2. Now that's just weird. More weird by the fact the kid looks like mine without the glasses. *cue the Twilight Zone music*

      Delete
  16. Happy Anniversary!! I'm not so much obsessed with blackheads as much as ear and nose hairs removed rigorously with TWEEZERS! Bahahaah

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    1. Thank you. For the well wishes, and for reminding me that it could always be much, much worse.

      Delete
  17. My mom used to do that. It was horrible.
    Fortunately, that is not a thing my wife has ever had interest in.

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    1. Wow, that sounds awful. If my mom had ever tried to pop my pimples, I would probably be in therapy right now. As if the teenage years weren't already scarring enough.

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    2. It was more in my pre-teenage years. By the time I was 14 I knew how to say "NO!" to that, but it was much more difficult at 12.

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  18. I'm disappointed. The top right hand box said it was for"Bored House wives". I clicked the 'OK' button, but it didn't send me anywhere... just a close up of your entire cartoon.

    (Scratches head)

    Maybe it's because I'm no longer a housewife? Do you have the capability to tell if some of are not married? (Waiting, while loading single needs shit)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, unfortunately no one pays us to advertise here, so those are just drawings, but if any skeezy porn companies are looking for a place to put their ads in exchange for a bit of coin, we'll sell out in a heartbeat.

      Delete
  19. Well, that's not one of MY hobbies, although I have seen other couples do that. Used to gross me out. . .and yes it will leave scars. I used to get facials from a Japanese lady, Akiko. . and squeezing zits was a big NO-NO. Maybe some of you guys need that extra grooming, eh? Better to use a loofah glove. Sure your wife cares, but really. . .

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Happy Anniversary! Forgot about that! Hope you get some special beer to celebrate!

      Delete
    2. Thankfully I've got no scars, and she doesn't pop anything on my face (not that I get those that often, anyhow). And thanks! Tonight I celebrate with many things, beer included, but I don't think having a Japanese lady touch my face will be one of them.

      Delete
  20. Happy Anniversary! It does get better each year. Next thing you know, you'll be celebrating that 50th.

    Popping zits used to be fun and exciting, but I sure am glad that was a phase that I outgrew.

    Mary
    Jingle Jangle Jungle

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! And five years in, if she's not sick of it now, I gather she won't ever be. Fingers crossed, though.

      Delete
  21. Happy Anniversary! Willy Dunne Wooters and I will soon celebrate our third anniversary of unwedded bliss. Picking at things is usually a type of OCD, so you might want to take your lavender-haired wife to the doctor if it gets out of control.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! And I think I'd have better luck gluing my pores shut than getting her to go to a doctor over something like that. I think I'll just stick with having my pores squeezed. It's fairly harmless compared to other problems she could have.

      Delete
  22. Afterwards, does she do the dance that the woman is doing in the gif?

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    1. Absolutely. I understand that women also do that dance when saving money on insurance, refinancing their houses, and learning secrets to keeping their skin looking 20 years younger.

      Delete
  23. Happy Anniversary! And believe it or not, as long as you're both willing to put effort into your marriage, it will keep getting better and better.

    However, after 47 years, I must say I have NEVER popped my husband's zits. Can't say that I ever will, either. Doesn't sound terribly romantic... :) Then again, when he came home from Vietnam with jungle rot on his feet, I did rub those smelly things every night for many years. That's gotta count for something...

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    1. Thanks! Jungle rot sounds way worse than a bit of acne. Remind me to never complain about skin ailments again. Or to Google that. I'm assuming I'd regret it.

      Delete
  24. At first I saw the two housewives dancing and thought it was the 32nd-finally! A pants-off dance-off!

    Happy anniversary, and you're too young to worry about where the time is going!

    Larry

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    1. Thanks! And I can't remember the last time I had a pants off dance off, so maybe I AM getting old.

      Delete
  25. Happy Anniversary! (And, ewww, keep your zits to yourself!)

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    1. Thanks! And dammit, I'm trying, but the wife is making that really difficult.

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  26. That sounded like a story from Laurie's mom and dad...

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    1. They like a little bit of pimple squirting action, eh? (God it sounds so much worse when you put it that way)

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  27. It's just her way of saying, "I can inflict pain and misery upon you because you love me, you fool." But there must be something to it because she could have had one of those rich, handsome, and intelligent guys, but she still stays with you. Maybe it's your pheromones or your animal magnetism. Maybe that book you bought on how to hypnotize women actually worked. That's how I did it. 33 years of marital bliss here, so far.

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    1. Well, I don't like to brag, but I can cook minute rice in 58 seconds, I can ride my bike with no handle bars, and I can wiggle my ears, so that should secure me at LEAST 33 years.

      Delete
  28. Happy Anniversary! Five years and getting better all the time sounds good. My husband and I are coming up on 34. Now that makes one feel old. I have no answer for the zit thing. People are weird.

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    1. Thanks, and congrats on your own happily ever after. People are very weird, but I just try to remind myself she could always be weirder. She could have a foot fetish or be a Belieber.

      Delete
  29. My girlfriend used to like picking at my pimples and blackheads, but I have so many that it started feeling like a fulltime job to her, so she stopped.

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    Replies
    1. Damn my minor acne not being moderate!

      "Honey, why are you slathering bacon grease all over your shoulders and back?"
      "This is for both of us."

      Delete
  30. Delightful topics you choose. Happy Anniversary anyway. Wait until you read 43 years.

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    1. Thanks! And we look forward to way more of those delightful topics over the next 38 years since we're both the exact same in that regard.

      Delete
  31. Happy Anniversary. I'm grossed out by picking zits, My ex husband would ask me to do it and I'd gag.

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    1. HE'D ask YOU? That's just weird. Meanwhile, I have to wrestle my wife off of me like I'm being attacked by a bear because that's how I view the whole thing. No wonder he's your ex husband.

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  32. Congrats!... and thats gross. lol

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    1. Thanks! And yeah... I wear lots of long sleeved shirts around her. I should invest in a turtleneck.

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  33. Bryan, you've hit on the greatest mystery of our generation. I find popping other people zits to be no less disgusting than picking your nose and eating it.

    Wait, maybe I'm exaggerating. If my last girlfriend was eating her boogers, I don't think it would have lasted as long.

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    1. I love how the key word is AS long. "After tonight's date, and tomorrow's lunch with your parents, and the weekend getaway in the mountains this is TOTALLY over because the thought of you disgusts me. Now then, round two?"

      Delete
  34. My hairdresser seriously asks to pop if I have a zit. I do not personally enjoy that. Happy Anniversary! Though I may slap you for the old comment. My 20 year is coming up in August...

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    1. Thanks! But at my brittle age I'd probably shatter to dust if I got slapped.

      Delete
  35. Happy anniversary! Does she watch those disgusting zit popping videos on the internet? Blehhhhhh.

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    1. Some people watch midget foot porn. My wife just watches those Dr. Pimple Popper videos. The jury's still out on which is more disgusting.

      Delete
  36. Odd. This blog bit only just now appeared in my Dashboard, but it's a day old.

    Well, happy belated Wedding Anniversary, 6-B and Mrs. 6-B!

    This year I'm celebrating my Jade (35th year) marriage to Alcoholism. And I'm glad my spouse only picks at my liver and never at my blackheads. I certainly found the Mrs. Right for me.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Odd, this beer just appeared in my hand, but it's a day old. I guess I'd better drink it before it goes bad.

      Thanks for the well wishes! And I'm glad your own marriage is working for you. I tried that path, but dropped my wallet too much. Solution: now that I'm married, I don't have a wallet. It's nice not having to worry about money (because I have none).

      Delete
  37. I'm going to be celebrating 24 years this August. The time does fly when you get along. I should have married that other guy I dated. A few months felt like an eternity. Or spent my whole marriage pregnant. Those months dragged on and on too.

    Not sure about the zit picking thing. I'm as guilty as the next weirdo girl.

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    1. Hey, that's a good point! If I want to slow life down, maybe I should divorce my wife, and then just go on another date with the girl I once went out with who was a mushroom scientist. Listening to her talk about all the varieties of mushrooms sure felt like 5 years.

      Delete
  38. I only pop zits when asked, which thankfully is not very often anymore.
    Happy anniversary!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! I never ask, but she does it anyway. Isn't that so considerate...?

      Delete
  39. Congratulations and we'll done on reaching the 5 year point in your marriage. I've been married for 17 years this year so I get the feeling old bit. As for the grooming I find its reversed, I'm the one who squeezes spots and blackheads. As for peeling skin, let me at it!

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    Replies
    1. Peeling skin is okay. Just please tell me you don't eat it. Or scabs.

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    2. I'll pick scabs, burst blisters. But eat it? You sick puppies!

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    3. We all have to draw the line somewhere.

      Delete
  40. My wife doesn't go after mine. I have a mole underneath where my shirt collar rests and she always wants to touch it. I think it's weird so I don't let her.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know that feel. I have a mole on my back that the wife loves to pick at. I have to stop her, because she doesn't understand that unlike a blackhead, if she pops that mole I'm going to bleed out like a stuck pig.

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  41. YUCK! I'm not about to pop anything... well, hopefully some things will pop. :D

    Congratulations on your anniversary! It's great to read that you love your wife more each year. I hope you had a wonderful date.

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    1. Thanks! We spent it on the couch watching movies in sweatpants, so, you know, you could say it was pretty romantic.

      Delete
  42. As long as I've been reading this blog (and we've emailed about book stuff), I never would've guessed this was going on in your marriage. It was disturbing enough that I read the entire comments section, which I normally do not do. I think I had to see just how many people suffered from this affliction.

    1) I notice that you're a bit age-obsessed (and, frankly, that's also disturbing because you're in the prime of your life, so get over it). I mean this, Bryan, these are THE BEST years of your life, so enjoy the crap out of them before your back hurts, your head hurts, you can't see without glasses, etc. This list is freakin' endless. Moving past this...

    So, in my 48 years of life (notice I'm throwing my age back at you so that you will take my word on the above as golden), I'd say it's nothing short of a miracle that my skin has always been fairly clear. Especially since I was always a sickly child, teen, young adult, older adult, current adult... you get the idea. I learned as a young adult the value of a good cleanser and moisturizer and that's made a huge difference I suppose. All of this, of course, is about me and MY skin. And I will pop a zit or pinch a blackhead on my own face, if necessary. I can't think of even one time I've done it to someone else anywhere on their body. Ever. Just the idea grosses me out and makes me throw up a little bit in my mouth. Honestly, I'm not that fond of popping my own...

    HOWEVER, should I get a bad sunburn or someone else get a bad sunburn and it reaches that place when it's ready to peel... OMG... I love to peel that sh#t. I remember when I was a kid my uncle got a really bad sunburn and his entire back peeled. He sat there and just let me peel it for what seemed like hours. Heaven, I tell you! No, I didn't eat it. That's disgusting. Who wants to eat skin? Gag.

    I also have zero desire to pick at someone's scab, wound, freckle, mole, or anything else on their body. I was just thinking about this Fun Fact this morning, though, since I've re-entered the "dating mess" and you never know what you'll end up with in the end. I wouldn't be above, below, or beyond, investing in a No-No if I discovered the man of my dreams was a hairy monkey. I'd use that No-No on him faster than he'd have time to object. Or he could object and we'd be done. Either way...

    And now that I've covered every single thing I can think of that a woman can do to a man's body.... Happy belated anniversary!!!! 5 years is a long time. Here's to the next five and beyond:)

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    Replies
    1. Your first paragraph makes it sound like we're into vomit porn, and it just makes this whole thing all the more hilarious.

      I too learned the value of a good cleanser and moisturizer, but that didn't help me much as a teen. As an adult my face is spotless, but it's my shoulders and back that get tiny blackheads. It's not like I have bacne, but pores will be pores. As far as I know they don't make shoulder moisturizer, so until they do, I guess I'll have sporadic blackheads.

      You'd be surprised how many people pick skin and eat it. No, not me, or the wife either. But they exist, and it's kinda gross. Probably more gross than a hair sweater. So, you know, if your guy has a fuzzy hair sweater, take solace in knowing that at least he doesn't munch on what's underneath it?

      Oh, and I would respond to your first point, but in my old age my memory isn't so hot and I couldn't quite hear what you said. Speak up, dearie.

      Delete
  43. LOL. Happy anniversary! (I hope you didn't get in trouble with your wife for posting this one.)

    P.S. Age is a state of mind. ;)

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    Replies
    1. Thanks! Not only did I not get in trouble, but she laughed her ass off. And this, more than anything, is why those 5 years flew by like nothing.

      Delete
  44. Sorry, Bryan. I don't know how I missed this post earlier. A very Happy Anniversary to you and your wife! Five years is a biggie. It's sweet and encouraging to know that - with some special couples - love keeps growing stronger. That likely means, too, the zit removal process only grows more painful. Good luck!

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    1. No problem. We almost missed our own anniversary too. We only realized the day before. Time passes so quickly like that. Or maybe I was just incoherent from the constant torture of zit picking. That shit hurts, you know. :)

      Delete
  45. Happy Anniversary! OMG, I wouldn't come near my husband's pimples with a ten foot pole! Gross!

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    1. Thanks! Your husband is a very, very... very lucky man.

      Delete
  46. My husband and I are 5 years married in July too, doesn't it feel crazy how quickly that time has disappeared? Like, does it speed up after major life events? Because I've got another one this year and did't agree to that. I'm not okay with it.

    Happy Anniversary!

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    Replies
    1. Yeah, right? I don't feel any older. Where did all of that time go? And even though it's a drop in the bucket for some, that IS a lot of time. I've had pairs of shoes that didn't even last 5 years. The fact that I can share my life with another human being for that long is astounding.

      Delete
  47. Happy 5th Anniversary Bryan and Mrs Bryan. Here's wishing you many happy returns of the day.

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    1. Yes, as long as we don't return each other. No refunds. Thanks!

      Delete
  48. I love how this post about your five-year anniversary has turned into a tremendous discussion of your hygiene. Truly, that's what marriage is really about, and nobody tells you that before you say, "I do." My husband and I have been together almost 30 years now and those things never change, lol. The only thing that does change is that it gets better every year until you can't remember a time when that person wasn't around and don't even want to consider it. Congratulations on surviving longer than most of those quitters out there, and best wishes for at least one more year under your belt.

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    1. Thanks! It's only been 5 years and I already can't remember what life was like before her. I imagine very crappy. I'm glad I don't remember. I hope that's true love speaking and not early onset dementia. Who are you again? What are you doing on my Internet?

      Delete
    2. I say make that dementia work for you.
      http://www.gocomics.com/pearlsbeforeswine/2016/02/11

      Delete
  49. Happy 5th (and time for a 5th, too)...LOL.
    Wifey and I are staring at our 19th...(yowzah).
    Talk about feeling (and becoming) "old"...heh.

    Yeah, those "housewives" aren't what they USED to be...are they?
    (or ARE they?)
    It IS "cheaper to keep her"...remember that.

    Funny stuff.

    Have a great anniversary and stay safe out there.

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    Replies
    1. Thank you kindly! And it's true, I don't think housewife describes my wife in the slightest, outside of her being my wife and living in the same house as myself.

      Delete
  50. Happy Belated Anniversary! Isn't being married awesome? I mean, yeah, it's hard at times, but still you get to hang out with your best friend every single day...how cool is that?

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    1. It's very awesome. Now that I'm working from home and the wife's taking a break from being employed I get paid to hang out with my best friend all day. Not even sick of her yet. That is VERY cool.

      Delete
  51. I had a girlfriend right after high school who loved to pop blackheads. I would lie on the bed and she would search my back for pimples to pop. I never understood the fascination, but it was a cheap way to keep her entertained.

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    Replies
    1. And your back was never cleaner! Or never more scarred. Either way.

      Delete
  52. Congrats to you two!! Hope you enjoy the day.
    Don't fully understand the women obsession with popping pimples & blackheads. It's fun don't get me wrong. A friend of mine has a pimple popping app. That's what I don't get.

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    Replies
    1. Wow, popping a few pimples and feeling gratification is one thing, but a pimple popping app feels like the point when a person needs to admit they have an addiction and desperately need help.

      Delete
  53. Hey!!!! The internet ate my comment! Or did I just reply in my head last week? o_O

    Err . . . anyway, happy 5th anniversary (and a week + couple days) :D

    My hubby has tried to get me to hep pop some zits for him in the past. It hasn't happened yet. I actually get grossed out . . . but not as much as when HE tries to help me with mine—once or twice a year when I get a zit or blackheads. I might be the guy here. I dunno. But yes, internet does make most things sound sexier, doesn't it? It's all a scam . . . lol

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