Friday, April 1, 2016

How to Obliterate That Stubbornly Annoying Belly Fat (#4 Gave Me Rectal Cancer)

You may not realize this about us, but we are both expert nutritionists. Each of us has 32 years of experience of eating food (that's 64 total years of experience), so believe us when we say that we know what we're doing.

So today we're going to share with you the 8 tips and tricks that we've mastered over the years to give us the flat, trim stomachs that are driving women everywhere* wild, and if you follow our advice then in no time you'll have ribs obtrusive enough to play like a xylophone.
*woman, singular



1. Don't eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is terrible for your heart, because it's loaded with fat. They say it's the leading cause of obesity and hypertension in adults, so skip this if at all possible! Your waistline will thank you!

2. Move your abs.

You may not realize this, but your abs are the "core" of your body, which is why it's called your core (who knew, right?). Moving those abs and keeping them strong is vital to a slim stomach, but it can be hard to move them all the time. Trust us, we know. So don't be afraid to ask a friend to move them for you. Or a trusted neighbor. Or a very skilled dog. Just don't misplace them in the process.

Brandon personally prefers to have a machine jiggle his core into shape.


3. Eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is fantastic for your heart, because it's loaded with good, healthy fats, which your body needs. They say it's a great way to fight obesity and hypertension in adults, so don't forget to eat your steaks! Your waistline will thank you!

4. Exercise all of your abs.

You might not know this, but you actually have six abs, which is why a six pack is called a "six pack" (who knew, right?). Most people make the mistake of only exercising 2 or 3 abs, when really you should be exercising ALL of your abs. To achieve this, we recommend the "Holding Plank" exercise. This, much like that awful planking trend, is when you lay down on the ground, arms behind you, legs behind you, and flex your core for as long as you can.

Bryan's been known to plank for as long as 8-10 hours straight.


5. Don't eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that eating red meat is terrible for you, because it's loaded with carcinogens that can actually give you cancer. It may be tempting to have a nice big steak for dinner, but don't do it! Your body will thank you when it's NOT being ravaged by demonic cancer cells.


6. Be young.

Statistics show that people under 18 have a 150% faster metabolism than those who are over 21, and a whopping 200% faster metabolism than those over the age of 60. So take advantage of that and stop needlessly slowing your metabolism by getting older. Choose not to age. Your waistline will thank you!


7. Eat red meat.

Scientists have recently discovered that while eating processed red meats like hot dogs are terrible for you and can cause cancer, natural red meat is fantastic for you, because it's loaded with the protein your muscles need to stay strong, and the more amount of muscle you have, the higher your metabolism will be. So next time you're feeling hungry for a nice, big, juicy steak, don't deny your body the fuel that it needs. Your waistline will thank you!

8. Be Asian.

Studies have found that Asia has the lowest obesity rate in the world, with Vietnam having only a 0.50% obesity rate. That means that out of 100 people, only 1 is half obese! That's amazing!

So stop being a fat, lazy American, and become a thin, healthy Asian.



There you go, folks. It's not rocket surgery. Stick with these 8 tips, and you're GUARANTEED* to get the slim tummy you've always dreamed of.
*not guaranteed

Don't believe us? We both have before/after pictures to show you, and you know they're real because we drew them ourselves!

Just months ago Brandon was a fat, disgusting wildebeest that couldn't even lift himself out of bed. Today he's slim, trim, and ready to hit the gym.


And Bryan, well, he was in decent shape to begin with, but with this program he turned into the hulking behemoth that's been lurking deep within him for centuries.


Cheers and stay fit, friends,
B&B

Music: Skylar Spence
Beer: Upslope Thai IPA


112 comments:

  1. What are the chances I could become a hulking Asian with that program? A young hulking Asian? Seems the healthiest route.
    And for the record, I don't eat red meat. Anything that hangs around forever in your intestines can't be good for you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Right now, scientists are telling you that's a great move. But you might want to consider eating it soon once they declare that it's the new health food.

      Also, I think this answers your question.
      [im]http://orig11.deviantart.net/e629/f/2013/119/e/d/bodybuider_hard_muscle_by_ridwal-d63hm48.png[/im]

      Delete
  2. I lost my breakfast and lost a pound or so on this post. You killed it, literally, all the way through. Rocket surgery was never so hysterical.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Laughter really works your core, so you're well on your way to the lady six-pack of your dreams that totally won't make you look like a man. Sexy, no?

      [im]https://qph.is.quoracdn.net/main-qimg-08414fbf94ad4c578a1d0d15ce06a1ce?convert_to_webp=true[/im]

      Delete
  3. Well this explains my weight gain. I just can't kick that disgusting bacon habit. I've tried but its just so addictive. I think I probably should start holding plank more. On a side note a friend of mine really got into that Beach Body Fitness thing and while they did lose weight, they let it consume their lives like eating only healthy shit and exercising all the time. It totally cut into my drinking and having fun with them time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, being healthy is great, but if it makes you an asshole friend, that's no good for anyone. Sorry I can't go out with you, I'm working out for the next 4 and a half hours. You're going out to eat to celebrate your birthday? I'm going to get a side salad and pretend I enjoy it. You're grabbing a beer? I'm going to order a glass of water with lemon in it and chuckle awkwardly in my sober state while everyone else is having drunken fun. See, if you consume calories, it will make you fat, so I can't have one beer or one burger. I just can't. And I actually snuck one of your fries, so while you hop to the next bar, I'm going to do 100 burpees in the parking lot.

      If your diet/exercise program is a full time job, then perhaps you've gone a bit overboard.

      Delete
    2. Hahaha they became "coaches" and sold their shitty products to friends so I guess it did become their job.

      Delete
  4. What about artificial sweeteners? Do they cause weight loss or cancer or do they really confuse my brain so that I consume more calories and gain weight?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Artificial sweeteners are GREAT for you because when you drink that diet soda, you're drinking 0-grams of sugar, and that means when you binge eat a dozen Krispy Kreme donuts later because of intense sugar cravings that you won't have any unnecessary soda sugars to worry about. Also, it gives you cancer, and what's thinner than a (sexy) cancer patient?

      Delete
  5. What? You missed the latest study?

    Scientists just the other day found that using food dye to make red meat orange will negate any bad effects of the red meat. Orange meat will allow you to grow super strong. Rambo Oompa Loompas unite.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, food dye - nature's superfood! I add food dye to everything I eat, and it only gets healthier. Like that green burger and fries I just ate. You can't beat eating 2 and a half lbs of clean, healthy greens.

      Delete
  6. There is a place where that red meat can go, you know.

    I don't even listen to all of that eat this/don't eat this garbage.
    Except where they say "don't eat garbage." I take that literally.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Scientists have recently discovered that garbage is actually good for you. Did you know that on average you throw away 3.6 nutrients PER DAY? Those are 3.6 nutrients that could easily go back into your body and power you through the day. So eat garbage - your waistline will thank you!

      Delete
  7. I've got the mental age of someone under 18, does that count?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Absolutely, and just as you don't want an old, fat body, you also don't want an old, fat brain. Needless to say, developmental handicaps are some of the BEST ways to keep fashionably thin.

      Delete
  8. Before we get to the "meat" of this comment, Bryan, what the hell have you done to your hair son??? Is that a mohawk you're sporting? The only thing that would've made me sadder (okay, more grossed out) would be a mullet.

    Now that I have that rant off my chest, I remind myself that it's only hair. It will grow back. Unless you keep shaving it dude!

    The other way to get skinny is become a zombie. Have you seen any fat zombies on The Walking Dead? Of course you haven't. So, if you really want to get skinny join the zombie apocalypse. That's where it's at.

    [im]http://cdn.inquisitr.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/09/A-walker-is-wrapped-around-a-tree-in-season-6-of-AMCs-The-Walking-Dead.jpg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, that's a skullet. You just can't see the rat tail from that angle. Really though, that's no mohawk or anything similar. I keep it short on the sides/back (just got it cut), and up top is my usual tuft of spiky/unkempt hair, parted over the side, that looks just fashionable enough on its own for me to not bother styling it.

      And fun fact: they have had a fat zombie. Remember the infamous Well Zombie (trapped in the bottom of that well?).

      [im]http://www.mtv.com/news/wp-content/uploads/geek/2012/05/561x40118.jpg[/im]

      (But I'll still accept your point because he's literally 0.00001% of the zombie population)

      Delete
    2. Hey, why aren't there more fat zombies? That may be what causes the zombie apocalypse. If the zombie virus caused weight loss and said zombies could be taught to do hair and make-up, chicks would probably line up to be bitten. A bunch of Kardashian type women out looking for brains. On second thought, that could be an improvement.

      Delete
    3. Maybe the Kardashians really are zombies and the apocalypse has already begun. We're just too zoned out to know it...

      Delete
    4. It certainly would be an improvement (no talking!). However, zombies don't have an ass. And a Kardashian without an ass is just a mediocre looking rich girl.

      Delete
  9. How many calories are in a booger? And do they taste like chicken?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. According to Google: "It turns out that there are about 25 calories in a half cup of snot, which is roughly the size of 1 serving of oatmeal." Because OF COURSE someone on the internet knows this. Also, I think they taste like chicken, but then again my wife IS a pretty lousy cook.

      Delete
  10. My uncle Popeye ate 1/2 lb of bacon, 4 eggs and 2 fried potatoes every morning for breakfast for 20 years as well as smoking like a chimney and drinking beer all the time and he lived to be 85 years old. While my neighbor rode his bicycle and ate healthy for years and died of a heart attack at age 52. I say eat what you want because you're gonna die anyway.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I like to eat healthy but I still indulge here and there, because if you can't enjoy yourself, what's the point? And even if it does kill me, I'm okay with that.

      RIP Bryan
      1983 - 2016
      Died doing what he loved
      Eating 5 lbs of sirloin

      Delete
  11. I don't eat read meat nor starchy potatoes any more, they do not like me or my stomach. My fave core exercise is crunches on the exercise ball. Doesn't hurt as much as situps on the hard floor. And, a high BMI isn't a good thing. . .First one has to find the waist, then find the abs. I know they are there somewhere. . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having abs is highly overrated. They sit there tucked underneath your shirt at all times. And if you take off your shirt to show them off you're a "douchebag." There's really no winning with abs.

      Delete
  12. Wow! I never knew any of that about red meat! It's a good thing we have all these scientists and your super accurate cartoons to tell us this stuff!

    I'm going out to buy a bag full of red meat right now! (And then wait for a week before I eat it, so I can have Science's most recent research findings about whether it's going to make me live forever or kill me within hours of consuming it...)

    PS: Bryan's planking technique is flawless! He should definitely teach a class!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, a bag of meat is okay, but a jug of meat is where it's at. Jugs of meat contain 100% more electrolytes (which humans AND plants crave).

      Also, I'm teaching a workout class tonight. It's at the bar on Main, and it's BYOB (bring your own barbell). Personally, I'm bringing a 40 oz for some beer curls.

      Delete
  13. B&B:
    ROFLMAO...some of the BEST work yet.
    Cripes, everything gives 'ya cancer these days.
    (I have a suspicion that CANCER is giving a LOT of folks cancer, but I need a million-dollar federal GRANT to prove it).
    Then there's he story of the guy who QUIT smoking and got hit (and killed) by a truck delivering ciggies to the local Sparky-Mart.
    SO, maybe smokes ARE bad for 'ya.

    MY aunt smoked like a steam engine, and had a shot of brandy EVERY night before bed...she lived to her late 90s!!!

    Not gonna fight it...life is what it becomes.

    Good post.

    Have a great weekend & be safe out there, guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually, scientists have recently discovered that cancer does NOT give you cancer. Which I don't understand, but I don't claim to be a scientist.

      Delete
  14. I used to have six pack abs and then something happened. Oh, yeah. I aged. Now I have a whole keg. It might have something to do with beer. You are totally right about red meat.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See? If you just regressed in age you'd have the abs of your dreams. And the hair of your dreams. You'd have to get an adult to drive you around everywhere, but you'd look damn good doing it.

      Delete
  15. I don't need to have the six pack of abs, but I'd like to be young and Asian. I would be totally able to rock the cosplay world then! (And yes, I googled images of Asian Sailor Moon cosplay first and wondered when the Sailor Scouts started wearing so little clothing!)

    [im]http://i.imgur.com/6FzEvb9.jpg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you don't want the six pack, Costco has a killer deal on a twelve pack of abs. It's always good to buy in bulk.

      Also, $100 says that Asian woman is actually 57 years old. Damn their genetics.

      Delete
    2. I wish she reminded me of my ex-girlfriends.

      Delete
    3. I used to date a girl who was a Nazi officer (I'm certain that's what the girl above is impersonating).

      Delete
  16. >not an april fools post
    You have no idea how disappointed I am.

    What about that fancy new Red Meat Lite™ though? Twice as much of everything you wish was in it, and it comes in a handy two-pack so you can both eat and not eat it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. > two jackasses post scientific dietary advice

      That's not April Fools enough for you?

      And I prefer Red Meat Zero™. All of that great taste with zero calories! ...And so, so much cancer. But no calories!

      Delete
  17. I don't eat red meat either but there are lots of other delicious foods I eat to offset hours of walking and biking. I just wish they tasted as good as bacon. I'm a little disappointed you didn't have a picture of the .5% obese Vietnamese person. Which half would have been fat?
    Susan Says


    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually we did illustrate it. And it's the bottom half. You just can't see it behind the bar. Good luck guessing which one of us has elephant sized legs.

      Delete
  18. Oh this is funny and so true. I remember when eggs were bad or only eat the white not the yolk. Butter was bad...not it's good. My Opa ate everything especially fat...bacon fat (called Schmaltz), he smoked since was 12 and died when he was 93. He was a medical misfit. I have had more than one client have cancer and they could only talk through the speaker in their throat but they still smoked!...Now, that's loyalty to the Cigarette companies:) I love my meat, could never be a vegan or anything else. I know that we will all die so enjoy as long as it's in moderation. Now can you tell me...if zombies like meat and flesh, why don't they eat each other?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now because of the Low Carb High Fat diet bacon and eggs is supposed to be great for you. I have no idea if it is or not and really don't care. I just love the taste.

      As for the zombie question, I imagine it's like us eating meat. Would you rather eat a fresh steak or one that's been dead and dragging itself around in the dirt for 4 years?

      Delete
  19. From the Simpsons

    Dr. Nick Riviera: With my diet you can eat all you want anytime you want.

    Marge: And you’ll lose weight?

    Dr. Nick Riviera: Ah, you might. It’s a free country!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, Dr. Nick was the best... At being the worst. And it's true, any meal plan is considered a diet. There's probably the bacon and cookies diet somewhere. It doesn't mean you're going to lose weight, though.

      Delete
  20. Well, I already blew it. It's way too late to avoid getting old now, so I guess I'll just have to keep eating whatever the hell I feel like eating. I'm already doomed, so why worry about it?

    One sure way to lose weight: eat raw pork or rancid tuna. You can lose up to twelve pounds in just a couple days, and without taking any of those dangerous diet pills...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, good advice! We also recommend the stomach flu, or any disease that makes you projectile vomit/diarrhea/both. It's like nature's cruel diet plan.

      Delete
  21. Oh God... There is so much conflicting information on what's good for you it's ridiculous! I bought a book from a "nutritionist of Hollywood stars" and she pretty much says all we should eat to be "healthy" is raw vegetables.... I lasted two months and was never more depressed in my life! I just don't give a crap anymore. I try to watch my weight but I eat and drink what I want... Life is too short! So I say: eat red meat!!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nothing but raw vegetables? Those barely have any calories as it is. You lasted two more months than either of us would have. A whole day of eating two dozen raw celery bunches to get our daily amount of calories would have been enough to drive either of us bonkers and rage quit.

      Delete
  22. You have actually hit the nail on the head. Who knows what is or is not good for you, they keep changing it. Personally I practice a healthy, well balanced diet. I lost 46 lbs in 2013 and have kept it off since then. I eat red meat, but I also eat fish and vegetable protein sources too. Don't think I could manage planking.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, cheers to that weight loss! I think no matter what you eat, it's just really about moderation. And about eating food that's not overly processed (THAT'S the stuff that gives you cancer). And sometimes I plank so long that I can't get up, so it helps to have a spouse with a large oar that can flip you over again.

      Delete
  23. I agree with Silvana, there is so much conflicting information. One day coffee/caffeine will kill you and the next day it's good for you. I think common sense tells us that chemically modified foods have some risks to them. If the label reads like a chemistry text book, it might not be the best thing to eat.

    As always,,,you guys are hilarious. Great plank pic....but let's see if you can hold it for 30 minutes.
    [im]http://i328.photobucket.com/albums/l332/Cheryl_Perzee/resistance%20training_zpsa887hbj3.jpg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, that comic is amazing and I want that shirt for my next trip to the gym. That is hilariously fantastic.

      I'm no dietician, and I'm no health food freak. I just eat in moderation and I avoid those chemically processed foods. Besides, food companies lie to us all the time. That "healthy" chocolate protein bar that tastes amazing does so because it's loaded with high fructose corn syrup and has more sugar than a Pepsi. And speaking of sugary drinks, energy drinks: those are by no stretch of the imagination anything resembling a health food, but it amazes me how often I see people at the gym chugging one before/after a workout. Yeah, undo everything you just did. Wonderful!

      Delete
    2. Crabby Pants says thanks...she does love T-shirts.

      I totally agree with everything you said. Today's foods are full of garbage. We try to eat fresh and clean 90+ percent and then have an occasional cheat of something that isn't necessarily healthy. But we always try to avoid artificial sweeteners, sodas and plain junk.
      Yeah, I think those energy drinks are a bit scary. Just too much caffeine in tea will cause me to be wired. I certainly don't need to overload with energy drinks. Never tried any so I guess I don't get the appeal.

      Delete
  24. I'd be more inclined to believe and follow your health advice if you were also marketing some kind of magic diet supplements or weird 'n wacky exercise device. Ya gotta have more credibility, boys!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That ab jiggling machine isn't wacky enough for you? Also, Bryan's laying on top of his exercise device, but it's stuck in a nook and/or cranny and unable to be seen in the picture. It's amazing, and it's only 3 easy payments of $29.99. Act now.

      Delete
  25. My favorite is BE YOUNG. I actually did that one for years and felt great. I've kind of let it go in the last decade and I can really tell the difference.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know that feel. I'm trying my hardest to be young, but the gray hairs keep popping up. I yank them out, but at a certain point, that's just going to leave me bald. And that's not a very young look.

      Delete
  26. Robyn took my thing...I loved "rocket surgery" too! Bryan, you turned into Terry Crews! Watch out. Your read my blog a couple of weeks ago, remember? I noticed you didn't mention the benefits of eating Goldfish crackers. Or is it goldfish fish? Hmm. Well, I'm eating Goldfish crackers right now and I feel fantastic! So, I'm guessing they're super beneficial, right? Right! Packed with, like, what? Vitamin Fat?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha, I'm glad someone caught that! Yes, I literally became Terry Crews. You should try it. It's great fun. Your husband will love it.

      Also, Goldfish are chock full of protein and omega 3s. And omega 3s help fight depression. You know, the depression you get from eating your pet goldfish.

      Delete
  27. This is happening to Mr Him. Really, it will happen to him. He will become a man of muscle. Lythe, slim, handsome, young, rich....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yeah, we forgot that last one - be rich. Rich people are always in great shape. Probably from their long days of endlessly chasing money on foot. Or a personal trainer and live in chef. Whichever.

      Delete
  28. It's the saddest thing on Earth that the secret to immortality (red wine, red meat, chocolate, coffee) will also kill me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, life will kill you too, so might as well enjoy it. I mean, is a life full of water and celery stalks even a life at all?

      Delete
  29. Phew! Those couple of paragraphs where I had to think about giving up steak were pretty rough. Luckily it all came out right in the end. Thanks, science!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The great thing about science is that it's always true, so whenever I see something I don't want to believe I just find a study that agrees with me. Works every time!

      Delete
  30. I'm trying to diet and exercise like the male half of the duo in that Best Coast video.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=vOhLbA-B-bE

    (Scroll to the 2:10 mark if you don't wanna listen or look at the cute chick.)


    Thankfully, results are varying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, those two could not be any more opposite. I like the laying in cheeseburgers diet, though.

      As for a workout, this is way more up my alley.

      [im]https://media1.giphy.com/media/UULg1bmC17LSo/200.gif[/im]
      [im]https://media1.giphy.com/media/EgkNhBeY289z2/200.gif[/im]

      Delete
    2. Can't do that workout. Looks like it involves sweat.

      Delete
    3. You don't need to workout when you wear a leotard. Just pose. Those men above? All 280 lbs and morbidly obese. It's the magic of the leotard.

      Delete
  31. I vote for the tapeworm 'cure'. You can eat what you want... never exercise... and you'll still lose weight, guaranteed*.

    *I guarantee it will work, won't guarantee your survival though. Hey, at least you'll die thin!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, until it gets 30 feet long, but you'll be long dead before then. Just sexy and slim and dead.

      Delete
  32. I thought smoothies were the way to go to lose weight, everyone at work is always making these...and planking I can do. Everything in moderation I guess...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Depends on the smoothie. If it's the strawberry milkshake kind with enough sugar to put down a toddler, then... no, that's probably not doing your body any favors. I'm actually drinking a protein shake right now, and it's just as God intended it - green, not sweet, and so hard to choke down this is actually harder than my workout. Ahhh, that tastes like success. And vomit.

      Delete
  33. I have to admit that this was some great advice. By eating red meat every time you said it was good for me, and then throwing it up again every time you said it was bad for me, I ended up working ALL my abs, including a couple I didn't know I had.

    Thanks, guys!

    Want some slightly used red meat? It might been bacon originally...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Are you guys allowed to have bacon? I thought that wasn't very halal. Speaking of which, we forgot that caveat - scientists recently discovered that if you eat unclean animals you'll go straight to hell. So next time you're feeling hungry, skip the bacon. Your eternal soul will thank you!

      Delete
    2. I sensed going into that one that there was something wrong with my joke.

      I've heard good things about bacon, though.

      Delete
  34. I think I've memorized all the meat rules and graphed them on a circle. Sadly, this is exactly what doctors have done over the past twenty years. My body cries "uncle." Which is disturbing...and frightening, even to my uncle.

    Cherdo
    Cherdo on the Flipside
    "Favorite Characters, Favorite Lines" on the A-to-Z Challenge 2016

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you're okay, though. Most people's bodies cry "hypertension" or "diabetes" or "entropy is unavoidable and life is uncontrollable, spiraling chaos that results only in darkness."

      Delete
  35. I keep my abs tucked away under a nice layer of insulation. I don't need to be a show off! They still work too...although I have to roll sideways to sit up nowadays!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Keeping them insulated is good. Mine like to hibernate in the winter, having been supplied with enough beer to keep them warm all season long.

      Delete
  36. Okay, I may have goofed. I followed your advice and got younger, but instead of Asian, I thought I'd modify the diet and went Pacific Islander. That was my mistake because, well, I'll just show you, this is me now:
    [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/d0/6d/e4/d06de48ac21ae11eb9cb5a8250306d2b.jpg[/im]

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, that's not bad! I mean, you've got great... skin.

      You still ended up better than I did. I made the mistake of entering "women live longer than men on average" into the equation.
      [im]http://media1.break.com/dnet/media/2010/3/24/99%20Mismatched%20Bra%20On%20Heinous%20Asain%20Guy.jpg[/im]

      Delete
  37. Thats it. I'm going to wake up younger tomorrow and converting Asianism.

    I dint even know how perfect my planking skills were, but by Bryans standards I've got that nailed quite often. Superb.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then let me inspire you, my friend. The harder you drink, the harder you plank. True story.

      Delete
    2. Excuse my delayed response but consider me inspired. For so inspired was I, that I not only planked my way through the early hours of Sunday, but planked so hard that I wished many times over that Monday wasn't happening to me.

      ...it was though. It really, really was.

      Also, I feel like someone should have warned me that two day hangovers were a thing. Feeling mildly less shit the day after the day after the night before...that's not cool with me.

      Delete
  38. Well, look who's here, fashionably late!
    Who? Who is it?

    I know it's not me, because I'm here UN-fashionably late. But it's all the fault of that BOTB shit! I'd like to find the guy who's responsible for that thing and kick the crap outta him!

    So, I'm sitting here drinking Sierra Nevada 'SUMMERFEST' "crisp lager" Summer seasonal, and just 5 days ago it snowed here all day long. Well, not really ALL day. It really only snowed from 5:00 AM to about 4:30 PM. So, I guess I'm exaggerating a wee bit.

    I love the "red meat" bit!
    Anyone who's as old as I am (56) or older knows that the so-called "experts" reverse their strong opinions about every 10-12 years. I've lost count of all the things I've seen "reversed" in my mid-life lifetime. Some things I've actually seen reversed 3 and maybe even 4 times over the last 4 decades (just like your "red meat" example).

    Salt! It's the ultimate silent killer!!!

    Salt! Most people aren't getting enough of it to keep their heart's electrical system working optimally.

    Salt! We get enough of it in the processed food we eat! Do NOT add any salt to your diet, because it's the world's silent killer! You're just begging for a heart attack unless you throw away your salt shaker TODAY!

    Salt! Actually, we do not get enough of it, not even in our processed food. And if you don't add some to your diet (preferably the organic, fat-free, gluten-free, MSG-free, natural sea salt variety, which Whole Foods sells for a mere $25.00 per pound), chances are you'll have a heart attack before your first grandchild is born.

    Of course more people die prematurely from worrying about what they put in their bodies than they do by anything they put in their bodies.

    The "ASIAN FACTOR" was very... eye-opening:
    To be honest, I never realized prior to reading this blog bit that it's "slimness" which makes people look alike.

    Uhm... am I banned from da blog?

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Well, you know, as my deadbeat grandpa always said, better never than late.

      Snow? I thought you lived in the desert. Your desert is turning out to be a pretty lousy desert. Also, to go along with your hilarious argument...

      Sea salt! This all natural version is way healthier for you than that gross, processed table salt. Make sure you eat natural! Only eat sea salt!

      Table salt! This refined version is way healthier for you than that useless sea salt, because it contains added iodine, an essential nutrient that maintains a healthy thyroid! Sea salt contains none of that, making it the silent thyroid killer. Make sure you eat healthy. Only eat table salt!

      And you know, about the whole Asian thing, that reminds me of my trip to Asia a few years back. Everyone I met was genuinely surprised that I was as thin as they were, because they just thought that all Americans were 200 lbs+ and that was just, like, a fact. They thought I must have been some kind of track star or something (Ha!). But what was even more amusing was that if I went shopping and went to the "touristy" places, all of the clothes started at XL. STARTED. Went all the way up to 4XL. That particular size looked like a tent draped over the most obese mannequin I've ever seen. So they took me shopping at their stores, where I was a Large (Ha!).

      So, you know, we think they all look alike, but they think we're all colossal diabetic fat asses. So I think that makes us even.

      Oh, and I would ban you, but I can't tell which Asian you are.

      Delete
  39. I didn't see anything about beer (with the possible exception of that plank thing). Is beer cool?
    And no cheeseburgers, right? Or yes?
    But...beer?

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    1. Cheeseburgers contain fruit (tomatoes), vegetables (lettuce, pickle, onion), meat (questionable), dairy (cheese), and grains (buns). It's practically a super food, and it totally balances out all of that beer you should be drinking.

      Delete
  40. Really... out of 100 people, only 1 is half obese? So my ass is bigger than that person? I mean... statistically....

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    1. Depends on how big your ass is. I didn't realize you were sporting the male-Kardashian back there.

      Delete
  41. Just in time for summer! I'm very glad there wasn't a single mention of cutting out soda, chocolate, or fast food. Like all those stupid dieticians say.

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    1. That's because dieticians are woefully uninformed. It's never about cutting out the things we love. No, it's all about moderation. Fast food, soda, candy, black tar heroin, all perfectly fine in moderation.

      Delete
  42. Wait...bacon is a meat?!?!?!?

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    1. Your shock is as great as mine, and I'm beginning to question if this bacon tree might not actually grow me any bacon.

      Delete
  43. So if I'm a young Asian guy I can quickly get the body of a seven foot tall super buff black guy? And all I need to do is eat/not eat/eat red meat and lay on my stomach? I KNEW the doctor lied to me when he told me how to lose weight. How can everyone have been so wrong this entire time?

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    1. This is why there are so many overweight people, because everyone's doing it wrong. Can you believe most people don't even get the recommended 6 servings of Vitamin B* per day?

      *B is for Beer, clearly

      Delete
  44. I have to remember to come BACK to your posts after comments have been posted. SERIOUSLY some of the best COMMENTS on the 'sphere. Uh, I forget what I was even going to say. It couldn't have been more funny than those pictures. My mom had one of those belly vibrator belt machines. I'll spare you a phone but let's just say they do NOT work. For anything I am assuming. Ok now I have to google How to be Young and Asian.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And here I really could have used a spare phone. :(

      Let's not count out the ab shaker machine as being COMPLETELY useless. I mean, I bet it makes a great paint shaker. Or screaming baby shaker.

      Delete
  45. Red meat - who knew? Of course, I haven't eaten any in almost a decade, but I will admit that sometimes I do miss bacon.

    AND, you recommended exercise...YIKES! I think those shaker things are scary. Imagine if you couldn't turn it off and couldn't get out of the contraption. Personally, I think Bryan has the right idea.

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    1. I haven't had bacon in a day and I already miss it.

      And you know, I'd actually love to know if someone has ever been killed by that kind of machine. It just has "uncontrollable death trap" written all over it.

      Delete
  46. You know, I try bacon from time to time. I never got addicted to it. I only really eat it when I'm out with friends.

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    1. A social carnivore. I get that, and I respect that. My wife doesn't understand. I only smoke black tar heroin when I'm out at the bar, but she seems to think I'm a "drug addict." Psssh, women.

      Delete
  47. Okay, does this mean I can eat meat on days that end with 'y' or I can't eat meat on days that end with 'y'? See this is why I'm FAT! These rules are so confusing. Love the pictures of both of you working them Abs. You are rockin'.

    https://youtu.be/9mbp0DugfCA

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    1. Wow, that's a damn life lesson. Thank GOD I never had to suffer through that huge misery... I mean, who drinks fruit juice? WAY too much sugar.

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  48. LOL! They say the Asian diet is so lean because it excludes most carbs and dairy products. *shrugs* You won't see me trying to survive without cheese.

    Crystal Collier

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    1. I don't know about that; that sweet and sour chicken with fried rice I had the other night seemed fairly carby to me.

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  49. Dudes! I haven't eaten red meat in... 28 years, and my doctor tells my that my blood told him I am a "high cardiovascular risk". Balls.
    (Sidenote: since reading your blog semi-regularly years ago, I now drink my morning coffee in the shower. A nod to you both.)

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    1. And the steam keeps it hot. That's brilliant. I need to try that.

      And it's true, sometimes our bodies try to kill us, steak or no.

      Delete
  50. IMHO this article was not very informative at all i dont eve knwo how to get rectal cancer bedaus you idots forgot to put that in two thumbs down

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    1. Eat two hot dogs and call me in the morning. Preferably with rectal cancer.

      Delete