Friday, April 22, 2016

#07 - Let's Play Pretend






108 comments:

  1. Dem tags doe. Kids have such wonderful and vivid imaginations that you can do practically anything to them and they won't care. A good kid would be able to pretend you were playing with them and have the time of their lives in a crate.

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    1. As a kid I absolutely loved when my parents would give me big cardboard boxes that I could hop into and play in. So if you think about it, a crate is just a bigger, sturdier version with a heavily fortified entrance.

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  2. but a child can be happy for no reason, or do they pretend?

    http://www.obliqview.blogspot.in

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    1. My dogs can be happy for no reason, and I don't think they understand the concept of pretending.

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    1. Yes he is. Back in my day we only had wooden crates. None of those fancy steel ones we have today.

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  4. Over on my blog we were discussing your "theoretical" kids not getting spanked at school, but now I am starting to worry about your "theoretical" kids. I am thinking maybe you aren't going to be the "favorite" uncle. The favorite uncle can bask in solitude as you ignore niece/nephew by allowing the little computer/TV junkie all the unlimited electronics that their mom and dad dole out so sparingly.

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    1. You don't have to worry about me being a favorite uncle of any kind. I don't even have siblings. So... wait, whose kid is that, anyway? Wow, I guess it IS a good thing I don't have kids - theoretical, related, or otherwise.

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    2. Oh, "free range" kids are probably all about playing pretend castle. No siblings? I don't know whether to feel bad for you or congratulate you. I have a brother that lives near Denver, you can have him for your brother...really...he's all yours.

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  5. I still play pretend sometimes. It helps keep my demons and fears at bay, and absolves me from responsibilities and the consequences of my actions. It also helps with cashing that government money and making people distance themselves from me.

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    1. How'd you avoid aggressive shock therapy, though? I swear, you paint yourself in the sacrificial blood of ONE person and suddenly you need 20,000 volts straight to the cranium.

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  6. lol good to go with the castle. If you went with the zoo he might make animal noises and disrupt your beer drinking.

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    1. Maybe it'd be good to get a few more in there and start a zoo. I could charge lonely women whose biological clocks are ticking to enter, and in exchange they could see firsthand just how miserable kids can be (well, when caged and unfed, I guess).

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  7. Pretending is a big part of parenting. Pretend to understand their homework. Pretending that certain foods taste good. Pretending you play games to have fun and not to win. Pretending to agree with their teacher. Pretending all day long.

    Susan Says

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    1. My parents never pretended to agree with my teachers, which made for some very interesting calls to the principal's office. I do, however, still laugh when I think back to how I always wanted to be a chef, so I grabbed random ingredients in the kitchen, mixed them together, said I was a chef, and made both of my parents try it... and boy did they pretend to love it.

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  8. I had many games of hide and seek with my kids that were similar. They would disappear for hours while I never had to move.

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    1. "We are SO good at hide and seek. It's been 4 hours and dad hasn't even BEEN to this room!"

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  9. He'll probably survive and be stronger for it, so long as you don't ruin his mind by showing him your blog.

    He might even write a world famous fairy take about a kid with an evil uncle.

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    1. Oh, no, with all of that crate time he won't be writing much of anything. I suppose one of us should have taught him how to write. But throwing feces against the wall, that kinda counts as written communication, right...?

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  10. Bryan, I'm beginning to worry about your state of mind.

    I'm going to leave it right there, because I don't want to end up in a crate playing pretend.

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    1. Oh, but it's not a crate. It's a time machine full of magic and wonder. Just step inside and you can see all the beautiful possibilities...

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    2. A time machine full of magic and wonder... I should've known when my uncle hid me in a box.

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    3. He wasn't hiding you. He was sending you back in time to kill Hitler, and probably a little disappointed that you never did. Frankly, we all are.

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    4. He said, "The guy with the moustache." He should've been more specific, you know.

      Hey, guess who are in my show today: CLICK!

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  11. A steel crate with a kid locked inside it makes a wonderful beer bottle coaster! That was always my preference, too (but pretend I didn't write that).

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Actually, I found the opposite. Once they start aggressively rocking the crate back and forth, it's easy for the beer to tip over. Lesson learned: give him a potty break BEFORE he feels the need to start going nuts.

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    2. Oh, I see the problem.
      I always knocked the kid out first, before placing him in the crate. Makes a world of difference!

      ~ D-FensDogG

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  12. Playing pretend works for me. For instance, I pretend that I have a big pen...ohh, that makes me sad.

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    1. You don't have to pretend if you date a girl with hands like this. Makes it look giant no matter what. Caption is... only slightly related?

      [im]http://static.neatorama.com/images/2013-09/tiny-hands-psychic-power.jpg[/im]

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    2. Y'know, if I hadn't named myself Debra She Who Seeks, Debra Moonblood would have been my next choice.

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  13. Playing pretend works for me. For instance, I pretend that I have a big pen...ohh, that makes me sad.

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    1. You don't need a huge penis if you've got a $100,000 supercar, extreme road rage, and an airheaded 18 year old girlfriend who totally gets you unlike that BITCH OF AN EX WIFE MARCY.

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  14. At least he plays pretend. Most of my friends' kids don't know how to entertain themselves without a TV or a computer.

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    1. I was going to make some snappy comment about children these days, but then I realized that I can't entertain myself without a TV or computer either.

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  15. "Ooh, I used to dream of playing in a crate. Would have been a palace to me."

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    1. Is that the model with the 1/2 inch solid steel deadbolt? Man, she is a beaut. Like a mansion with bars.

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  16. Why don't you have him stay at home and pretend to visit his uncle? Seems like it might be easier...

    Larry

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    1. But how else are mom and dad going to have their monthly night alone to do sex?

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  17. Yesterday when I played pretend with my son, he had me be Bowser and Princess Peach at the same time. Thankfully he still does not get adult jokes.
    [im]http://40.media.tumblr.com/232d3fffd6155bdfa87a499c47af1f60/tumblr_nu50d77qs01qmsmdoo1_1280.png[/im]

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    1. At least he didn't make dad play as lady Mario.

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/saBo1hu.jpg[/im]

      (And... just don't ask how I found that picture)

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  18. B&B:
    Now THAT is the kind of "pretend" that some kids REALLY need in days like this..LOL.
    Sure is a far cry from what people in my generation used to pretend (imaginary friend time?).
    Nah, we always had PLENTY of "green army men" to send into those bedroom floor battlegrounds.
    Those, and Tinkertoys, Lincoln Logs and LEGOS.

    Still love that stuff.
    (the stuff of IMAGINAATION).

    Good post and wonderfully humorous to boot.

    Have a great weekend & stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. I still have all of my green army men and Legos, but I worry that by the time I have kids, they won't care about any of that. They'll just want my smartphone so they can play Angry Birds Part 137.

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  19. Awe, guess his game of pretend didn't go as he planned.

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    1. That's the excitement of pretend - you just never know what's going to happen. Sometimes you wander into a magical land like Narnia, and other times you walk into a steel cage.

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  20. Replies
    1. I order a lot of stuff from Amazon, but the boxes I get are way too small to fit a child in.

      That statement sounds wrong, but I'm not taking it back. It stands.

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  21. 'Let's Pretend' is how writers become storytellers. Suspending disbelief. Kids are good at that. Kids and cats love empty boxes. I managed a preschool program one summer and we made the kids a Tactile Environment (dark cardboard tunnel with textured things for them to feel for the tactile-ness (like an exhibit that our local university had for adults) The preschoolers loved it so much it was trashed after one full day. We, the group of art school students, put on puppet shows for them, and brought dressup clothes for them to use (all let's pretend stuff). Sometimes as adults, we fantasize - that's 'let's pretend', too.

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    1. Not going to lie, even as a childless adult that Tactile Environment sounds like a blast. I'm a firm believer that half the fun of having a kid is being able to play again without looking like a crazy person.

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  22. Oh kids, sometimes they pretend to have a dad too.

    A co-worker of mine has his mother's last name. His mother is dead, and he says his dad is too. I think he meant to say dead to him. If you have your mom's last name, something's not right.

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    1. Ba-dum-TISH! Ten points to Adam for that zinger.

      I have my mom's last name. It's also my dad's last name, but it's my mom's last name too.

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  23. But if he's locked up in his pretend castle, how can he be your pretend servant? He can fetch you bottles of beer while pretending they are golden chalices of wine. Or he can pretend he is a knight and pretend that vaccuuming the carpet is lancing.

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    1. That's a brilliant idea.

      "Okay little Timmy, today we're gonna play King Arthur."
      "Yay!"
      "So fetch me my mead, welp! Before I whip thee."
      "...But I'm King Arthur?"
      "No you're not, son. I am. You're my hunchbacked manservant who only has 10 seconds left before he's put in the royal dungeon for insubordination to the king."

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  24. I wanted to put my grandson in my huge rat cage *it was big enough for him to stand in* but my daughter wouldn't let me. Party pooper.

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    1. If that made it into your Raturday I would have absolutely lost it. What a shame!

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  25. Ah! The good old Pretend Castle. It's good for kids to spend some quality time in there. Outside is an excellent option as well, and now that the weather is getting warmer, it's no longer frowned upon for frustrated moms to throw their kids into the backyard with no shoes or jacket.

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    1. Amen. Now let us all have a moment of silence for the unfortunate parental souls that don't have a backyard. Frankly, one of the main reasons I don't have kids yet is because I live in a townhouse. That means I'd have to (shudder) pay constant attention to them.

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  26. That's a more ruthless version of the Quiet Game. Whomever talks or laughs first loses. But then the kid's in your face trying to get you to smirk. Never mind. I'm going to play the Pretend Game from now on. Thanks, guys.

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    1. Whatever you do, just don't play the Crying Game. That never ends well for anyone.

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  27. Ahahaa, perfect smart ass reaction. Imagination is key.

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    1. I would have given anything for a locking fortress when I was his age.

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  28. Yep, sounds like you taught him an important lesson about using his imagination.

    At first, I thought that said "unlucky Bryan," and I thought, "You too?"

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    1. Oh no, very much me too. I just don't tell children about that. I let them live in the happy, naive world where bad things don't happen to good people.

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    2. So you're not taking the Matt Foley approach to motivational speaking then, I suppose?

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    3. Also, every time I see the title for this post on my feed, I have that Tove Lo song "Habits" playing in my head.

      So, yeah, thanks for that, guys!

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    4. Well, I do love to tell kids that they're not going to amount to JACK SQUAT.

      I'm glad I'm a hipster and listen to hipster music, because I had to Google Tove Lo to understand the reference. She sounds like a nice girl. I too like sex parties, binge eating Twinkies, and barfing in the tub.

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  29. I am absolutely brilliant at pretending! I pretend I like people... even without bbq sauce!

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    1. Truly the only way to like people is with fava beans and a nice Chianti.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=UvlBS5CmsNA

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  30. If I knew where I put this picture, I'd be scanning it pronto and posting it here. We had a rat terrier that we were training (puppy) and I looked down to find that Gonzo, aged 4, had crawled in the cage, too. He thought it was the greatest thing ever. Silly mommy, buying all that furniture...

    Cherdo
    Cherdo on the Flipside
    "Favorite Characters, Favorite Lines" on the A-to-Z Challenge 2016

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    1. It seems the rat terrier wasn't the only one being trained that day...

      Really, though, if I was a kid and had a puppy, I'd probably want to live with him in his crate, too.

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  31. My uncle used to play a similar game with me. He used to challenge my sister and I on who could go the longest without talking.

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    1. Since we don't ever really hear about your sister, should we assume that she's the undefeated champion, and by that we mean she hasn't spoken a single word since 1998?

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    2. We have to go to my uncle's house every few days to check she's still alive. My uncle doesn't mention that she's been there for 18 years because as he says, he made his bed, now he has to lie in it.

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  32. Brilliant. The illustrations make it even better. Have a great weekend.

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    1. The illustrations are because no one would let us film their small kid in a crate. Go figure.

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  33. This comment has been removed by the author.

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    1. The original picture I chose was too big, so let's try it again.
      I don't see what the big deal is, this kid seems to be having a great time. (By the way, it's disturbing just how many pictures of children in pet carrier pictures I had to choose from. Also, this is not a picture of my kid.)
      [im]http://granades.com/images/2006/Oct/eli-inna-cage.jpg[/im]

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    2. Apparently that site doesn't like embedding of their pictures. BOOOOO.

      And yes, there are a ton of pictures of kids in crates, but this one seems to be having fun. And enjoying some good company.

      [im]https://leerburg.com/Photos/cage.jpg[/im]

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    1. I see no law against letting your child play in a steel lined, insulated time machine.

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  35. Me as a parent. They turned out mostly ok so playing pretend can't be too bad.

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    1. Mostly okay beats not okay any day of the week.

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  36. So glad my kids are grown up now. A Netflix subscription and a screen is all they need now.

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    1. Now that they have cartoons on Netflix you can start them even earlier. Just plop those tiny bodies in front of a screen and let your $7.99 a month babysitter do the rest.

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  37. My parents would put me in a dent in the rocks next to their cave. I pretended it was my own cave and that I was clan leader and hunted mammoths. They (mammoths, not parents)went extinct just before I reached puberty so I couldn't hunt them when I became of age. It is so cool that modern kids have cages and boxes and things!

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    1. That is such a tragic, touching story. I truly hope that someone in your family documented it somewhere via cave painting.

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  38. This is why I don't have kids :)

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    1. I share in that sentiment 100%.

      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/88/e8/9d/88e89dd0c11d6d8bba008a87c7c0dfd3.jpg[/im]

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  39. Ha! Kids know better than to try to play with me. Thank you, resting bitch face.

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    1. I have resting bitch face too, but for some reason they can either see right through that or they just take it as a challenge.

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  40. I like that game of pretend. My son used to pretend he was the dog and lock himself into the dog's crate. Apparently Pretend Castle is a fun place to be.

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    1. Funny how if you put your kid there it's child abuse but if he puts himself there it's called the magic and wonder of being a child. What a fine line that is.

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  41. I love this and so wish I would have thought of it when my kids were small enough for a crate. Sadly now they are bigger than me and might actually lock my ass in the dog crate if I'm not careful.

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    1. The best course of action then is to buy one of those giant dog crates for a 200 lb dog and put an Amazon gift card deep at the end. Tell them you have a present for them and it's inside. Then once they're far enough in, bam, door shut and locked. Peace and quiet for an afternoon.

      Sure, they're older and you could just tell them to leave the house for a bit, but this is way more satisfying.

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  42. I feel kind of guilty for finding this really funny... I don't have any children but I do have pets and I feel like everytime I see someone else's kid I'm always like "Oh my dog does the same thing!" Like for example if I don't play with him when he wants to play he'll nag at me until I give in and throw him the ball, or if I yell at him for doing something wrong he'll do something spiteful like pee on the freshly changed white couch covers... it's all the same to me!

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    1. I feel like that's a post in itself. Your 3 year old can use the potty 50% of the time? Yeah, neat. I know a 1 year old cat named Pickles that can use it 100% of the time (love the expression of focus here).

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/A2nkaX7.jpg[/im]

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  43. I love this...this is how kids should be dealt with

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    1. This is a completely non violent way to put a child in timeout but I bet even still the anti-spanking parents would be against this. Go figure.

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  44. A cage is just a box with bars, and kids love boxes...

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    1. It's not torture if he or she is having fun!

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  45. What good is a kid crate if you never use them? What a waste of $10! Besides, you're just the uncle. No one expects great things from you!

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    1. Hey now, technically I'm nobody's uncle... which I suppose makes this comic a little more uncomfortable.

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  46. That reminds me of all the times my brother would play hide and seek with me. I always thought I was awesome at hiding, here he was just making our with the flavor of the week while I was safely stashed in a closet.

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    1. For a teenager that's pretty brilliant (well, I'm assuming he was a teen. It would be weird if he was, say, 6). Parents trying to get laid everywhere - take note.

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  47. I'll have to remember this for later!

    Now if the wife wants to play pretend then I'm all in. I just need to find my Snufalufagus costume. (and get it dry-cleaned)

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    1. I thought half the fun of Oscar the Grouching™ was rolling around in all that trash, but then again I've been out of the game for a while now that I'm getting up there in age.

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    1. If you say "I'm only eating chocolate bars" that's still technically a diet. It's the chocolate bar diet. It doesn't make it a GOOD diet, but it's still a diet.

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