Friday, April 8, 2016

#06 - Don't Worry, I'm Fluent In Cat





107 comments:

  1. Two thoughts:

    1) Brandon looks horrifically like Gumbie in that third panel. His wife must love or hate that about him. (Please email me a note which one of those is true...)
    2) I hope Brandon doesn't actually own cats. This wouldn't be an ideal living situation.
    3) That cat doesn't look okay. His back is torn up. And don't get me started on his tail...
    4) I can't count either.

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    1. 1) According to his wife he's a Gumby in the streets and a Pokey in the sheets. I have no idea what it means either and I'm okay with that.
      2) He doesn't own cats. Cats own him.
      3) He's torn up because he's an alley cat, and you can tell he's an alley cat because he's located in an alley.
      4) See #6.
      5) Directions are confusing.
      6) See #4.

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    2. Did you notice that I didn't even count the panels correctly? ::Loser::

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    3. I can't count higher than 3 without adult supervision so to me anything after panel #2 is considered 3 which still makes your statement applicable.

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  2. Better to be a moron...
    I don't like to resort to cat videos, but I think this one fits-
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NWFjGuLVjFc

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    1. That is glorious. I think my favorite is still the epic battle between cat and toddler.

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/tw9Eo.gif[/im]

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    2. I hope the cat owner gave kitty extra treats for teaching the kid the lesson of "bad behavior has consequences".

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    3. I LOVE watching cats (and dogs, for that matter) take out toddlers, whether or not its deserved. My fave is the toddler who tries to throw a cat in a pool, and ends up in himself.

      My m.o. for street cats (there's a lot around my office) is to screech KITTY and run towards them with my arms outstretched. Hasn't worked out great so far...

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    4. As an expert cat whisperer, may I suggest feeding them a toddler BEFORE you approach aggressively?

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    5. Well, that was certainly a lesson learned the hard way.

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  3. That's one thing I hate about cats, they apparently can understand human speech but they often act like they don't. My dog knows some English. Like treat, go outside, sit, wait, and a few more. Though she never mastered the term "shut up"

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    1. I have a dog that won't shut up either. I've tried everything - treats, a spray bottle, a shocker collar - but no matter what I do to myself I'm powerless to stop yelling "shut up, asshole!" at him.

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  4. My cat is like the tough guy that takes up the whole sidewalk and gets offended when you bump into him. Just last night I was walking to the bathroom--blind in the darkness--and the little dink walks into my foot. Instead of him saying, "I'm sorry," like any ol' dog would, he goes apeshit on my foot, tearing away at my skin as if I'd insulted his mother.

    I should go all Pat Robertson on him. "Listen here, Dobby. I say, in mah house, we speak American. You can take that meowy-mewing nonsense back to the shed where it came from. In Chrahst ah say AMEN."

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    1. Have you tried this?

      [im]http://i.dailymail.co.uk/i/pix/2014/01/17/article-2541325-1ABDD4B600000578-563_634x425.jpg[/im]

      I'm assuming it's a priest about to beat a cat to death with a cat toy soaked in poison. I'm not very good at churching.

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    2. What every cat needs! a beating with a cat toy soaked in poison. Ha,ha, ha!

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  5. If you don't meow just right they'll take your foot off indeed. And then if they meow and you don't meow back they'll take your foot off too. Talk to them in human words and the little turds pretend they have no idea what you are saying. Ruling all must be nice.

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    1. Our supreme cat overlords. No kidding. I find it hilarious when I open one of those new gourmet cat foods that has fresh shrimp and tuna in it that looks like an actual gourmet meal and I feed that to my cat. Then I walk upstairs and eat a can of Spaghettios. All of this control without any of them saying a damn word.

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  6. Brian, it's all about the intonation of your meows. Don't put so much emphasis on the "me" at the start of your sentences. Additionally, don't pet without the cat's permission, or he _will_ sue you.

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    1. So cat is a tonal language like Vietnamese? That makes sense, because I can't speak that either. Or maybe my cat's just Vietnamese and I always thought she was black. I'm such a racist asshole.

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  7. My friends make fun of me and call me a cat whisperer. Crazy Cat Lady Level Ninja.

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    1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Yuw1W_AN1zk

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  8. Yeah, but not all cats are smarter than that retarded human, though.
    [im]http://cdn.4allfails.com/wp-content/uploads/2015/11/cat-1.jpg[/im]

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    1. That's true, but some use their cone of shame for good.

      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/0f/33/bc/0f33bcce2f3491a09f6aeb3c062ad786.jpg[/im]

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    2. Haha. That's a feline to be reckoned with. He is Catman.

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  9. Everything about cats is funny. Try as we might to win them over for their affections, they continue to make it clear that they hate us 99 percent of the time. The one percent remaining deals with food. My cat likes for me to serve those little gourmet cans of cat food with the little shrimps on top...only to take 2 bites then scold me in cat talk about why it isn't properly prepared or some such shit. I need someone with your ability to speak cat to translate.

    My all time favorite video is still the Sad Cat Diary.
    https://youtu.be/PKffm2uI4dk

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    1. Yes, I love those ZeFrank videos!

      Last time I made the tragic mistake of getting my cat shrimp and tuna when she specifically asked for tuna and shrimp I slept on the couch for a week. And she slept on my head. I assume that was extra punishment.

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    2. Truly, if you haven't tried to sleep with a cat on your head, you haven't lived.

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  10. The title of this says it all,
    "Cats being dumb"
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=d8MAcplC1Bk

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    1. I love how the comment section has just turned into ridiculous cat videos.

      ...and we're both okay with that.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cl5BkumgZYI

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    2. Ok, i'll be honest....i came for the comic, and am staying for the cat videos in the comments. *falls into internet hole of cat videos*

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    3. You really shouldn't need any excuse to shamelessly post cat videos but I suppose a comic about cats is as good an instigator as any.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=SSKatciX3hA

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  11. I can speak cat. Unfortunately when Lacey wants canned food she just sits and stares at me so I have no idea whether she wants mixed grill or chicken and tuna dinner. If I guess wrong, she just walks away. That is where the problem is.

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    1. Yeah, I know exactly how that goes. Meanwhile, I offer my dog a piece of lettuce for shits and grins and he gobbles it up without question. He'd probably eat dryer lint if I handed it to him. Remind me why I like cats again?

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  12. My hubby can speak cat...it is very interesting to see this man, who used to be a bouncer in a biker bar, talk cute baby kitty talk and cuddle them so. I know they are looking at him and thinking he is a moron. I am Mrs. Moron. I think The Farside knows cat talk. At least a dog hears "blah, blah, blah, Spot, Blah, Blah Blah" whereas the cat hears "Blah, blah, blah, blah, blah....." Maybe that cat wanted to get the teeth back for the hooker.

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    1. STATUS UPDATE: We regret to inform you all that we never did find the prostitute's teeth, but we did find her wooden leg, so all around we consider it a victory.

      And it's true, it doesn't matter how big or small you are. Cats rule over all. My tiny 7 lb cat rules this house with an iron paw.

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  13. B&B:
    As a cat lover for (too) many years, this is just SO damn spot on.
    I don't actually "speak" cat as much as I MIMIC cat.
    Whatever our cats "says", I just repeat it, so perhaps he thinks I'm retarded as well...hey, whatever works, right?

    Another brilliantly illustrated post.

    Have a great weekend & stay safe out there,guys.

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    1. If I mimic my cat, she starts to get annoyed with me. So I prefer to make up random meows. She seems to enjoy those more. Maybe I'm telling her I love her. Maybe I'm giving her a recipe for a delicious lobster bisque. Who knows? As long as she enjoys it, I don't care.

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  14. Bryan has knees, but Brandon just has noodles.

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  15. I've never had a cat. I have a dog for the first time too. I've mostly had rats, hamsters and gerbils as pets. Maybe one day I'll have a cat.

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    1. Cats are assholes, so best to not have them around rats. I used to have a lizard, and my cat made a permanent indent on the tank's lid because she would just sit on it, staring down at him, silently plotting his death.

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  16. Cat is one of those languages not easy........like Klingon!

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    1. I think I've mastered the verbs but those possessive nouns are really killing me right meow.

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  17. I speak cat too. I've had many cats, but not at present. I've had one experience with a cat (a tough tomcat) stalking me when I went out one morning. He kept walking straight towards me, tail in the air and head down. I had done nothing to him, but maybe I had run him off before with my broom, hmmm. Anyway, someone came out the back door which he didn't like so he took off. Otherwise I could have been scarred for life. . .by a feral neighbourhood cat. With him I forgot to use my cat speak. . .there had been another report of a cat attack in the newspaper. Moral - be careful of how you use your broom with cats.

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    1. Sometimes, though, just sometimes, those scary ass cats can be scary for the right reasons. :)

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=aBW5dfRoG7Q

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    2. That cat better have gotten all the tuna it could eat for the rest of its life.

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  18. Our cat died after 18 years of thinking she was a dog. She knew her name, came when called and waited by the door for her girl to come home. When her girl left for college the cat sat outside her empty bedroom for a week and cried. When the cat finally saw her girl again, she had a cat moment and immediately bit her in punishment for daring to leave.
    Never ever trust a cat. They have their agenda.
    Susan Says

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    1. That's heart-meltingly adorable. My current cat thinks she's a dog, too. She plays fetch. She comes when called. And we walk her like a dog. No, really. She loves it.

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/hDiNjEm.jpg[/im]
      [im]http://i.imgur.com/NlwpGQM.jpg[/im]

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    2. ha - I had a cat growing up that came to a whistle.

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  19. Nothing is more hilarious than a cat with a shiv. Actually, this cartoon made me laugh a lot!

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    1. A cat with a shiv is always close to my heart. Just ideally not close enough to hit an artery.

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  20. Sometimes I think Scrappy is about 10% cat. And 5% human. And about 30% pig.

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  21. That switchblade looks like the work of MacCATver.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Maybe one of MacCATver's more primitive works. She's since gone on to building guns out of paper clips, rubber bands, and a half chewed straw*.

      *chewed on by her, nasty habit

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  22. Pic above of your cat on a leash is about the coolest/cutest/most awesome thing I've seen all week. I speak cat as well. I am sure my cats send out sonar to all the cats in the neighborhood to tell them just how great I am and how well I understand them. My youngest cat is an absolute sweetie to everyone, except one of my friends. Whenever they reach down to pet the cat she attacks and brings blood. I feel like I need a sign on the door that says beware of the cats, they can be assholes.

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    1. There's even a video I put up on Facebook.

      https://www.facebook.com/bryan.pedas/videos/10208856615998059/

      So is this friend that gets attacked by the sweet one a secret murderer or something? Animals can always tell... they can ALWAYS tell...

      (Well, except for dogs. Sometimes they just growl at black people for being black, stupid racist dogs)

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  23. I must say that until reading the comments, I didn't realize what you were REALLY doing here. This was all a big set-up so that you could watch and/or post cat videos. You're addicted to cat videos, and this was your way of luring we the ignorant in. Well, let me show you something...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=43TJoQROpaE

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    1. See my comment reply above to D.G. ;)

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    2. I came back to see what you had to say and saw this video. I thought it was mine. Then I saw that you posted to D.G. BEFORE I posted it. Should've known I couldn't tell you anything about cats you didn't already know...

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  24. Sorry, nobody speaks cat but cat.

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    1. According to my cat that's a bunch of bologna. Tasty, tasty bologna.

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  25. From what I've gathered from my extensive studies I believe that "meoowwww", means, "Turn on the bathroom faucet because I have some weird fetish about lapping up running water. Do it! Do it NOW, and maybe I won't creep into your room tonight while you sleep and slit your throat with my razor sharp claws."

    Of course, if there's just one less "w" on the word, it means, "I'm so thrilled to see you. Now I'm going to rub against everything. Isn't life wonderful!!?"

    It's a very complex and subtle language.

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    1. That cat look like it's in pretty rough shape, btw.

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    2. I also understand that if you add one extra "w" on top of that, then you've just proclaimed a war on feet, and you should expect either (or both) of yours to be attacked as such.

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  26. Is it wrong that I watched the cat bitch slap the toddler more than once and laughed every time? We had a cat named Milhous. He was a grey tabby. I truly believe he was my daughter's guardian angel when she was little. When I checked on her at night, he was on her pillow, wrapped around her head, with his eyes open. He slept when she wasn't at home to be guarded. Sometimes he woke her up at night because he liked to chew on her very long hair. Our second cat, F. Cat Fitzgerald, worshiped my son. When he went on a band trip, I came home from work late at night. F. Cat met me at the door--something she never did. She meowed at me to follow her and kept looking over her shoulder to make sure I was there. She led me to her boy's bedroom. The next year, he left for college. F. Cat was bereft. I couldn't explain it to her. I only speak dog--and some Spanish and a very little bit of French. I like to think I speak English rather well. It's probably my imagination

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I'm watching it after posting it hours ago and still laughing, so if that's wrong, I don't want to be right. And can I just say that F. Cat Fitzgerald is the greatest cat name I've ever heard? Mine doesn't know what to do when I'm not home either. But she doesn't cutely escort my wife to my empty room. No, she tears up everything in sight in furious protest. Uh... thanks for caring so much?

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  27. I've always had dogs and they at least come to you when called. I've never seen a cat do that. One of my dogs I think is part cat. She doesn't come when called but I know she understands human words. She knows, chicken, cheese, treat , walk, sit, park, go for a walk, she know a lot of words. She Just ignores me like a cat all the time unless it suits her and she sleeps on the edge of really high chairs, she springs up on the table or bar just like a cat. Hell, she is a cat.

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    1. Are you sure this isn't your dog?

      [im]http://img0044.psstatic.com/152399525_amazoncom-canine-cat-costume-pet-supplies.jpg[/im]

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  28. That looks like many of the interactions I have had with cats. When I was in high school, I had a cat that hated me so much, she would wait at the bottom of the stairs every morning to attack me as soon as I came down in my bare feet. I lost a lot of blood.

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    1. Maybe she loved you and just hated bare feet. My cat's weird like that. She loves the crap out of me, but she can't stand my kickboxing gloves. They are her mortal enemy.

      [im]http://i.imgur.com/OtDgnjt.jpg[/im]

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  29. haha - love the cat taking a walk that is so cute..and when speaking in cat you must use the right frequency/pitch..I always found the purring amazing...like a little lion revving up...we all have a little cat in us it is creators way of giving us courage...

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    1. Cats purr when they're happy, but also to soothe. I just love that whenever I feel sick or down mine come sit in my lap and purr, as if to say everything's going to be okay. Who needs a therapist when you have a cat?

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  30. I don't speak cat. I barely speak human. I can be pretty awkward in social situations, especially when it comes to approaching new people and verbalizing my thoughts in a coherent manner. Here's a prime example of my social skills:

    "Uh...you...like...doggies? Uh...me like...doggies...too..."

    Or, even better:

    "So...how about this weather? Crazy, right?"

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    1. (It's a mellow 70 degrees outside with light clouds and no sign of rain or snow)

      "Uh... yeah... super crazy."

      I know that feel. I love joking around with people, but that's me in a hurry if the person I'm talking to doesn't understand my humor and I'm left as nothing more than an empty husk of a human attempting poorly to be interesting (my humor is my EVERYTHING!).

      More classics:
      "So, do you like movies?"
      "So, do you like music?"
      "So, do you like eating food?"

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    2. Or there's the all-time classic: "So, did you hear about that Genghis Khan guy? Pretty messed up, right?"

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    3. "Yeah, well, he was no Hitler. What was up with THAT guy, amirite?"

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    4. We should definitely attend more parties. We clearly have all the social skills we need.

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  31. My wife speaks cat. You often find them arguing in the kitchen.

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    1. - A woman knows she's never wrong.
      - A cat knows it's always right.

      An argument like that HAS to end in spontaneous combustion.

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  32. My cat is an asshole but he's a cool asshole. Bites sometimes too.

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  33. Apparently cats do have a language they use for humans. Cats rarely ever meow at each other if you notice. As a cat owner there's not much better than when you meow at a cat and they meow back and you assume you must have managed to say something in cat.

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    1. As a crazy cat lady in training I did actually know that. They meow at us because they think we're their mother, and while kittens meow at their real mothers when born, they reserve meowing as adults for humans only. Like you said, adult cats don't meow at each other.

      So really, it's like a cat is pleading with you, "Mom? Mom?" And you ridicule them by shouting back, "Mom! Mom!"

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  34. That was so darn funny! The only clever thing I could come up with in between laughters was Meoww Meow Meoprrrrrrrr Meowwwwwwww . . . and don't worry, my fellow "Kat" understands ;)

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    1. What'd you call my wife? Them's fightin' words around here!

      [im]http://1.bp.blogspot.com/-N63ti3eliaQ/TnYAoypT-SI/AAAAAAAAB_s/9V-GWcZtxuk/w1200-h630-p-nu/CatBoxing.jpg[/im]

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  35. My daughter speaks cat really well. I don't think I've quite mastered it. Unless all my cat is saying is, "Feed me. Where's my food? Yeah, you, get my food, now!"

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    1. I honestly can't think of a time my cats aren't talking about food.

      Before food: I can hardly wait for food.
      During food: This is some good food.
      After food: When is the next food?

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  36. I think perhaps all cats see humans as idiots.
    [im]http://cdn.grumpycats.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/04/100percent-unimpressed.jpg[/im]

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    1. Ha, it's true. The only cat I know that doesn't think I'm an idiot is herself an idiot (she's cute as can be and incredibly sweet but dumb as a box of rocks).

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  37. Lesson #1. Don't try to fuck with the kitties. Lesson #2. Keep first aid handy at all times.

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    1. I've had cats all my life and at this point I have more scars on my arms than a sad emo kid.

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  38. Bwahaha! So true. My cats have gotten so vocal that we actually have two-sided conversations now.

    Cat: Meow!
    ME: Hold on, please!
    Cat: Fuck off!
    Me: I'm doing it now!
    Cat: Hurry up, bitch!

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    1. Yeah, isn't that the truth? If my cat had middle fingers she'd have sprained both by now.

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  39. Laser tooth? I don't get it. But then I don't really get cats either. I want a pet who worships me,not the other way around.

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    1. The joke is that I'm just babbling random words because I don't understand cat. I don't think anyone understands cat. And I will have you know that I do NOT worship my cat. I'd stick around to argue with you, but she needs some treats and some new water (the old water is bad now, somehow) right NOW.

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  40. Too funny and coincidental. My husband's parents have a stray cat roaming around their yard, and my husband recently visited them. He started petting the cat and when he stopped, the little bastard bit him.

    [im]http://img.scoop.it/nCDfJ08MpKhEdCcEztDllTl72eJkfbmt4t8yenImKBVvK0kTmF0xjctABnaLJIm9[/im]

    [im]http://weknowmemes.com/wp-content/uploads/2012/04/its-cool-man-shes-18.jpg [/im]

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    1. Rookie mistake. You stop petting a cat when that cat SAYS you can stop petting that cat.

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  41. I have slowly learned over the years to be fluent in cat. I love cats to death. My favorite animal. But, that being said, they are the most difficult to understand animals on earth :)

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  42. I speak cat too haha. Cats are an interesting species: one minute they're moody and the next they're rubbing on your leg.

    https://ficklemillennial.wordpress.com/

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    1. Cats - the only animals that can bite you with love and bite you out of anger... all in the same interaction.

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  43. What did he expect? He shouldn't have insulted the stray's mother. Duh.

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    1. Brandon doesn't always have the most tact which is why he's often assaulted by cats.

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  44. Short, sweet and very funny! Good luck with selling your house, and I can't wait to hear your jury duty story! Sorry I haven't been around in a while.

    Julie

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    1. Hey, good to see you again! Neither of our stories are very fun, and I'm not sure if there's a hilarious way to spin them... but if there is, this is the first place we'll post it. Otherwise, you know, more cat stuff.

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