Tuesday, March 15, 2016

I Am My Own Grandpa

Family history is a funny thing. It's years upon years of people and stories that have ultimately made us who we are, and it gives us generations upon generations of excuses as to why we're the miserable failures that we've become.


It's interesting when we carry over their features and their traits, but it's also interesting when we don't turn out anything like them. Like, would you believe me if I said I'm descended from drunken midgets? Yeah, well, keep reading. I've got a picture.

It all goes back to Great-Grandpa Tony, aka "Shorty" (nickname not ironic), who immigrated from Spain in search of the American dream. He was the tallest of his clan at a whopping 4'10, and was well known for his temper and his love of booze.


Now, I'm of fairly average height for a guy, but every time I think I've got it bad for being under 6', I just remember that right now I could legally be a dwarf.

The only reason I even have my meager height is because Shorty married a woman that was 5'10. Her son (my grandpa) was 5'8, my dad is 5'8, and I'm somehow 5'10. Overall, not bad.

Shorty - seen here blending in perfectly with his small children
Shorty died as comically as he lived. One night, on a dark, drunken walk home from the bar, he fell into an irrigation ditch and drowned. I wish I was making that up. If anything, it might account for why I'm terrified of water and can't swim.

But remember how I said it's interesting the traits we do pick up? Well, that brings me to someone else. Now, I had never met or even saw Shorty's son, aka my grandpa. He was a gambling addicted, alcoholic asshole that left when my dad was 4 (after having gambled away Grandma's wedding ring) and never looked back once.

Last week my dad dug up an old picture of this man, and we were both shocked to see that I look exactly like him. Nearly identical. I don't look squat like my dad, but I look eerily like my grandpa.

Right now he's 93, and according to public records still very much alive (we live a long ass time... when not drunkenly falling into ditches), so I gather we don't look much alike anymore. But it blows my mind to think that at one point in history, I had a doppelganger. And unlike me, who's never even been drunk and never had the slightest inclination to gamble, my doppelganger was a deadbeat gambling addicted booze hound.

So when you think about it, my grandpa is kind of like my evil twin, and once upon a time ago my evil twin terrorized the state. How crazy a thought is that?

















So yes, that's the story of how I am descended of drunken midgets and my Grandpa is my time-traveling evil twin.

Any other interesting family stories around here?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: Tom Petty and the Heartbreakers
Beer: Colorado Native

Grandpa: "How about my only existing photograph be one where I'm smirking and you can see up my nose? You know, the most unflattering angle possible." <-- See? Asshole.

123 comments:

  1. The resemblance is downright, well, creepy. If it makes you feel any better, you are 1/4" taller than my husband.
    I come from a strange family with even stranger names: My 2 times great grandfather -Adonijah - was married 3 times and had 12 children by each wife, who knows what would have happened if he hadn't been hung as a horse thief? His widow was named 'Needs No More Horses'... okay, okay, her maiden name was Tenney Bella Poynter. See what I mean about strange names?

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    1. Yes, that's important! We guys under 6' are like small dicks - every 1/4" matters.

      Also, I feel like your great-grandfather should have seen this demotivational poster.

      [im]https://c2.staticflickr.com/4/3422/3256806516_6f7889b1a1.jpg[/im]

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  2. My family, rebels the lot of them!

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    1. Rebellion can be fun, so long as you're on the winning side and don't get arrested in the process.

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  3. The photo flashes of you and your evil twin - very cool. The resemblance is remarkable. I see a striking resemblance between my nephew and his late uncle and grandma. Also with some pictures of me when I was younger. He looked at one and said "That's me." Also, I have a first cousin who's 6'2".

    I am stuck on the definition of dwarf/midget. At 4'8" I refuse to believe it. I don't wanna be like one of these:
    [im]http://media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/d1/11/37/d111372a59eef978eb4f5d1e009f6e45.jpg[/im]

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    1. Hey, don't blame me, blame the law. I don't make the rules.

      And you've got it better than most. When you're 4'8 and a woman, that's cute. When you're 4'8 and a guy, I bet that's just a nightmare. My great-grandpa must have been QUITE the pimp to snag a woman a full foot taller than him.

      [im]http://cdnstatic.visualizeus.com/thumbs/9d/51/9d51fd7ee4cdea2b5660808284aa4bd6_i.jpg[/im]

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    2. Yeah, perhaps some day I'll say, "God I miss the days when I was called cute all the f*ckn time." Your great grandpa likely had a bad, bad case of SMC (Short Man's Complex). Just like that pimp with his big, long, hard...car.

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  4. I have no weird family stories...at least that I know of. My grandfather was a big beer drinker but he was a responsible one. He died of emphysema and when he was in the hospital (in Canada) the doctors prescribed him 1 beer a day. I always thought that was funny. His hands would shake all the time too but when the nurse would give him that beer, he wouldn't spill a drop LOL. He was a good man... The resemblance of you and your grand father is pretty creepy!

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    1. Further proof that Canada's healthcare system is leaps and bounds above our own. :(

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  5. I actually see a bit of Shorty in you, too. Those dastardly good looks certainly run in the family.
    "me, who's never even been drunk" Why am I having trouble believing that?

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    1. Yeah, I see Shorty and see what I'd look like if I was put in a trash compactor and shrunk down a full foot. It's every bit as interesting as it is weird.

      And hey, it's not for lack of trying. Thanks to my metabolism I process alcohol like a monster. Last time someone tried to get me drunk I drank an entire blender full of double-strength margarita and got nothing but a stomach ache (too much damn sugar).

      I stopped trying. To me, alcohol is just something I drink for taste. So now you see why I drink craft beer over something like a Bud Light.

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  6. Wait, you have never been drunk? Get your ass to Vegas and make your midget, drunken, gambling addicted Grandpa proud!

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    1. My wife's parents live in Vegas and I stop by there at least once a year to try. And each year I come back no closer to reaching my goal. Grandpa would be so ashamed of me. No wonder he left.

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  7. My paternal grandfather died a good bit of a heart-attack before I was born, so I never met him obviously. Family would talk about him but none of their dumb-asses managed to keep a picture. He died in the 70's, but I guess they meant the 1870's.

    My dad grew up in a tiny little town called Whitmire, SC. After he died, his best-friend took us down there to watch my cousin play football. While we were there we met a few guys who knew my dad as a kid. Out of my 3 full-brothers, I got to smirk when everyone mentioned that I looked like him the most.

    Don't worry, none of us looked like the milk-man.

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    1. Everyone always told me I looked just like my mom since I don't look anything like my dad. I bet they feel stupid now (I don't look anything like her either).

      I think that's some kind of weird familial obligation - pointing out which parent you look like. You never hear "Damn, this kid doesn't look like either of you. You sure mom wasn't boinking someone on the side?"

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  8. Dang! You really do look like Gramps. He's a bit smirkier and his "butt chin" is a bit more pronounced, but otherwise it's quite a match, even including that "non-descript, beige" fashion sense.

    He'd probably love Tom Petty's song 'FREE FALLIN'' though, so automatically that makes you better. Of course there are other reasons to go with that one.

    >>... "it might account for why I'm terrified of water and can't swim."

    It's good though that your fear of water fades when hops and malt are added to it. Now if we could build a swimming pool of beer, I could teach you to swim.

    My relatives were the first to get kicked off (known as "getting the shoebootie") The Mayflower for drunk and disorderly conduct. It's only gotten worse since then.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Yeah, Grandpa has much more of a butt chin, but I always knew he was a huge ass.

      I'm envious of your swimming skills. Then again, anyone who gets kicked off the Mayflower has to have some serious dog-paddling talent.

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  9. You should definitely look him up to see what you will look like at 93. You don't have to tell him who you are, just walk up to him and take his picture. It's a good thing you are of normal height, otherwise there might still be guys out looking to break your kneecaps.

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    1. I'm okay without knowing that when I'm 93 I'll look like a human version of water-soaked prune fingers.

      I bet a midget would make a fantastic kneecapper-for-hire. Shorty totally missed his calling.

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  10. Does that mean you could go back in time, act like a drunken, gamboling idiot, and blame it on your grandfather? Cool.

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    1. It couldn't make him look any worse than he already was, and I could blow off some steam at the same time. That seems like a time-travelling win/win to me.

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  11. I always thought it was funny that I'm 4'10 but everyone in my family is pretty tall. My papaw and uncles were all 6' at least. I think I was stollen or switched at birth because I am nothing like my family.....thank god

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    1. My grandpa is a gambling addicted asshole. My grandma is an overly Catholic woman who never divorced him because she doesn't believe in it and has so many wonderful tales about "the gays" being "pedophiles".

      How my dad turned out normal is beyond me. Thank God for being nothing like family, indeed!

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  12. Woah, you do look insanely alike! Maybe you should learn to swim, your great gramps probably never learned...or passed out in the water.
    If you saw my dad's 6th grade picture and mine you'd see identical facial features. Yes, I got my ginger gene from him and his father. His side was full of alcoholics (my uncle was in 'nam so I give him a tad of an excuse). My mothers side is athletic.

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    1. So what I'm getting here is that you're an athletic alcoholic. Best of both worlds, amirite? Time to do a few more beer curls...

      [im]https://3.bp.blogspot.com/-bD7jsa3ysEs/Vug7RzrMGcI/AAAAAAAAUG4/3N9x0T7co4gMGNX_6cbVZXJk5cWQhLYTA/s1600/hc_exercise_beer_curls_animate.gif[/im]

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  13. If you hadn't told me your descendants were from Spain, I would think that we descended from the same set of drunken midgets. My murky gene pool was from Ireland and Scotland. Also, had problems with alcohol (duh!) and gambling.

    I am thinking about doing a post as well about genetics but I am on hold because I have sent a saliva sample into a genetic testing lab and am waiting for the results. I want to see what I am working with before I start disparaging and blaming particular countries. Don't want to incite a riot between nations that want to distance themselves from me and my people.

    You do look like your grandpa. You are lucky to have nice looking relatives. I favor my grandma and have a lot less to work with.

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    1. I guess I'm lucky in that all of my relatives on that side are from Spain, so no need for a spit test. Maybe a breathalyzer, but definitely not a spit test.

      Also, I figure back then since they didn't have things like hilarious cat videos and Facebook that gambling and drinking were really all they had to do with their time. Well, either that or die in childbirth. Ah, simpler times.

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    2. Ahh simpler time...especially for women. Birth lots of babies, work non-stop cooking and cleaning, be dutiful and respectful of the men folk. I would think sweating was allowed as there were no air conditioners but there were hoop skirts and bustles. Sounds like livin the dream for sure. Not convinced all those women died in childbirth as much as willed themselves to never wake up from an extended nap.

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    3. I think it went far beyond sweating. Everybody just plain stunk, but then again, when everyone has the exact same level of stench, do you even notice it anymore? And don't even get me started on the toiletry system, aka piss and shit in a bucket and throw it out onto the street.

      I would have willed my own death too. And if anything, Great-Grandpa Shorty was just lucky he didn't drown to death in a latrine pit.

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    4. Yes, all of a sudden, I am totally on board with people pissing away the day looking at cat videos. Let's hear it for the 21st century and it's superior plumbing.

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  14. Your grandfather doesn't have a website like this, though, does he?

    No, he has a stinking zine ("A Pint for the Washtub") and nobody reads it.

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    1. Oh my poor, outdated grandfather, still living like it's the early 2000s with his zine and his frosted tips and his rap-metal.

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  15. Any desire to find your grandpa? (Just out of curiosity?) That's crazy how much you look like him.

    I, too, come from a short family. I'm the smallest (5'1"), and my little sister towers over all of us at a whopping 5' 4 1/2".

    I also have an identical twin, but not identical in looks. My cousin Aaron and I are exactly the same personality-wise. Same mannerisms, same temperament, same weird little quirks and OCD issues, same way of speaking, same taste in everything from food to music to hobbies. It's bizarre. We're not allowed to be a team for any of the trivia games we play at Christmas gatherings.

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    1. All kidding aside, I would like to be able to track him down before he dies. On the plus side he's literally the only person on the planet with his name. On the negative side, though, no phone book or address book or Google search of any kind can tell me anything about where he is now.

      As mentioned before, my cousins are black, so... we aren't much alike. Since you and your cousin are so much alike, is that a good thing or a bad thing? I don't know if I'd get along with someone who was exactly like me and had my same quirks.

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    2. We get along fabulously and barely even need to speak to each other to communicate. His wife, on the other hand, finds it emotionally confusing to be around me....

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    3. ...also working for an attorney and occasionally a PI, I have access to some databses unavailable to the general public, if you'd like a better search done.

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  16. You had so many generations involved in this story I had to read it a couple of times to keep it all straight. I think it's worth noting that your dad seems to have also figured out a way around this bad genetic material (since you're still talking for him to pull out old pics). That means he's already way ahead of his grandpa (drowning in a drainage ditch is so depressing its comical) and his own father (who was the epitome of a ne'er do well). Your ma was the one taking the gamble (maybe there's also a gambling "situation" on her side of the family). Fortunately, she won with your dad. And it all seems to have diluted substantially by the time you came around. You're the end of the line, right? What a shame that your kids won't be able to tell this story on THEIR blogs.

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    1. My dad is a mystery to me. He doesn't drink - at all. Maybe one beer for a big celebration. And not even because he's worried about being an alcoholic, but because he just doesn't really like it. He's really quiet, and polite, and incredibly kindhearted. He wears a fanny-pack, for God's sake. He's THAT type of dad. And yep, we're very close. We see each other once a week and often have family dinners together.

      Will blogs still be around in 20 years? I wouldn't wish this hobby/activity on anyone, even asshole Grandpa.

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    2. This is strictly from observation... but people tend to parent just like their parents (by choice), the opposite of their parents (by choice), or occasionally like their parents (when instinct sets in and they can't help themselves). I'm willing to bet that your dad very consciously decided he wanted to be an active, participatory dad simply because he didn't have one. He was well aware of what was lacking in his life and didn't want that for you. Kudos to him for managing to be a dad... even though he didn't have a dad to show him what it looked like.

      How's that for a super serious response on your light-hearted post???

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    3. So in essence my dad never knew how to dad because he didn't have a dad so he decided to dad twice as hard in an effort to be a good dad.

      Got it.

      And to tone down that serious mood...
      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/236x/31/cc/66/31cc66ebb01dcadd449d75928485b932.jpg[/im]

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  17. Nothing like that in my family I am pleased to say. Matt's family not very tall, 5'6", although his grandpa was well over 6 ft. I understand. I guess we are a tad ordinary although my dad insisted on living on a boat shortly after the war and did so for many years sailing (3 different boats) all over the place.

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    1. Living on a boat could either be really fun or really terrible, but I guess that depends on the type of boat, the accommodations within, and how much wave activity you're exposed to.

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  18. My son went to college in the area where my grandparents were originally from. My grandmother's side of the family must have some really strong genes, because we all look similar. My son came back from school and said there was a girl in one of his classes who looked just like me. That's when it occurred to me that I should warn him that he has more relatives in that region than here, so avoid girls who look like me...or at least ask them if they are related to the Dawsons.
    My son, being the well-adjusted genius he is, said, "I was already avoiding the girls who looked like you. How freaking creepy do you think I am?"

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    1. I know a few people who married someone that looked exactly like their father/mother... and the idea still creeps me out.

      Every time I see my grandma, without fail, she always tells me how remarkably handsome I am. Like goes out of her way to say it. But she doesn't say that to any of the other cousins. Now I know why, and now I'm just a tad creeped out by it.

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  19. You don't mention also being terrified of bars!
    Do you not want to find your grandpa? He might leave you an inheritance. Give me commission if he does please.

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    1. Seeing as how his inheritance is probably negative dollars from all of those years gambling (poorly), I'm okay with not incurring that debt.

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  20. B&B:
    This just HAS to be one of THE greatest posts I've seen from you (from a comedic and historical perspective).
    The "homage" to the silent flicks and Warner Bros is brilliant!
    And yes, family history is a curious animal.
    They can say what they will, genetics can often STILL be considered a Crap-shoot..
    Excellent post.

    Stay safe out there, guys!

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    1. I just think it's crazy that we've almost been doing cartoons for 100 years now. Look how far we've come.

      Wait, what?

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  21. OMG that gif! It's funny how genes often skip a generation, if you know what I mean. (Hey, science was not my strong point in school). Good thing you only got his looks and not his addictive nature.

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    1. What you call skipping genes I call witchcraft, plain and simple.

      Science wasn't really my strong suit either.

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  22. Your family history is pretty interesting, but it's nothing compared to mine. My father pissed off some witch when I was younger, and the psycho lady cursed me. Apparently, on my 16th birthday I was to be pricked by some sewing machine or something and enter into a deep, eternal slumber. Sure enough, that shit happened. Luckily, though, a well-off prince stuck his tongue down my throat, and I was awoken from the sleep. Now we're happily married, and own a kingdom in a some cartoon world.

    But yeah, I guess your family history is cool, too.

    Honestly, that's pretty cool that your father still has those photos. I'll have to look into my ancestry, as my grandparents were from Scotland, so there's a possibility of me being a descendant of William Wallace. Since I haven't discovered otherwise, I'll just assume that I am.

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    1. You might be his ancestor. Do you have a deep fear of being disemboweled? Do you absolutely hate the English? That kind of thing is carried down via genetics.

      Also, if that story has taught us anything, it's that necrophilia brings us all a little closer together. And that it's not mouth rape if he's a handsome prince. Ah, life lessons.

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  23. Came expecting a Byzantine labyrinth of genealogical incest and found one of those, "You're the spitting image or your Grandpa Pappy!" pictures like you read about. That really is an amazing resemblance.

    My mother always has this obsession with everyone "getting" some trait or the other from someone in the family. I can't even look at a pickle funny without her going, "You must get that from your grandfather. He was always staring at pickle jars."

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    1. I too like to stare at pickle jars, and just the other day I referenced the Byzantine Generals' Problem. Perhaps we're related somewhere down the way?

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  24. Ha! That's awesome! I don't have any doppelgängers (that I know of) in my family, but just the other day I came across one of my parents' neighbors who swore up and down that I was the spitting image of her stepsister. (I've been told such things about various people in the past, but once I saw a photograph...let's just say I remained unconvinced). But when this lady showed me a picture of her stepsister...I was a little freaked out. We look a LOT alike. Weird.

    Also kind of crazy: I had the opportunity to see a sample of handwriting from my husband's great grandfather, and it was eerily similar to Ty's father's handwriting. I mean, almost EXACTLY the same! Strange how these things happen.

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    1. But see, at least you looked alike. There's nothing I hate more than when someone says, "OMG you look JUST like this person!" And then you see what they look like, and not only do they not look anything like you, but they're hideously ugly.

      My father-in-law swears that I look identical to scrawny Gollum impersonator DJ Qualls. Uh, maybe if I lost 60 lbs that I don't have to lose, took a vacuum to the bottom half of my face, and someone pulled on my nose and ears until they doubled in size. Also... WTF, pop-in-law? I thought we were cool!

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  25. Yep, you're a spitting image for sure. I think hubs looks like his grandpa, one of the native trackers who found the infamous Billy Miner. Unfortunately, the tracking skills didn't pass down the line. . .I, however am a composite of my mother's Grace Kelly looks and my dad's short side of the family. I won't lay any claims to looking like Mom, since her side of the family was tall, but I feel much taller than I look. . .if you know what I mean. My grandpa was a gambler too, so I was told, and we never did find out how he had one 'gimpy' leg. Grandma wasn't telling.

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    1. There are much worse things you could inherit than Grace Kelly's looks and a bit of shortness. On my mom's side we're about 1/8th Native American, and apparently I fully inherited the part where I can't grow any facial hair at all. Like in the slightest. It's cool, I didn't want a trendy hipster beard anyway...

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  26. haha wow, you could do whatever you want and then blame it on your time traveling grandfather. Once time travel is invented that is. May not hold any water now. All I know is I'm a mutt, so many different ancestors going through me I'm lucky I didn't turn out purple.

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    1. I should just carry that old photo around in my wallet. See, your honor? You can't prove that that CCTV footage of someone breaking into a liquor store and stealing 10 six-packs of beer was me, because it was clearly this man. Who was a known alcoholic. The defense rests.

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  27. It's interesting when we find out things about our family, isn't it? So here's my crazy family stories...

    My grandma and grandpa on my mothers side were second cousins. But they didn't know it until they were already married and had a kid.

    And on my mothers side (My mothers side of the family are a bunch of hillbillies. Might explain a lot) My grandma (Mom's mother) had a sister named Mary, she fell in love with two brothers and had a kid by each of them. Those two kids (boys) were not only 1st cousins but were half brothers because their father's were brothers. Are you following along here? lol My ancestors are all kinds of crazy.

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    1. Your family history sounds like an episode of Jerry Springer in the making, in the most hilariously fantastic way possible.

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  28. Wait till you start getting shorter...

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    1. I may shrink and shrink but I'll never break the 4 foot mark and that's all that matters, dammit.

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  29. Eerie! You two do look alike! I kinda feel like you need to start one of those Facebook posts that go viral. You know the ones...you holding a poorly scrawled sign reading, "Hey, have you seen my long lost grand pappy?" and looking all sad. Maybe a tear running down your face. And then, when you guys reunite, push him in a water-filled ditch. Or hug him. Your call.

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    1. I'd go with the shoving him into a ditch. Now THAT would go viral.

      "Local man pushes deadbeat grandfather into ditch; no one presses charges or even feels sad because he totally had it coming."

      Yeah, he's not someone I'm really itching to connect with. If it tells you anything, even though he left my dad when my dad was 4, we found out recently that he still called my grandma from time to time, even as recently as 10 years ago... just to ask her for money. That's it.

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  30. Unfortunately for a funny comment, I am the one that the stories will be told about...

    A while back, though, a old friend's GF managed to recognize my son as mine (though we don't really look alike and I hadn't seen here in close to 30 years) because of our mannerisms. Blew me away. Especially since I wasn't there at the time.

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    1. It's amazing the things we can remember about people, like mannerisms. My dad talks with his hands in a specific way, and my wife pointed out that I do the exact thing. Now when I'm doing it I find myself unconsciously being weirded out by it. Like I'm watching my hands do something I'm not even telling them to do. Maybe it's my dad. Maybe he's controlling them via his rockin' fanny pack.

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  31. I had a drunk outlaw grandfather too. He died before I was born but my father looked just like him. My father never touched a drop of alcohol. My dad made up for it by doing double dad duty too. Very on top of things. How can you not creep on the grandfather? Find out where he is? Maybe he had a second family and you have uncles and cousins and other relatives out there. And they all look like you! Except shorter.

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    1. I've tried creeping but he's done a very good job of hiding himself. On top of that he's 93, so it's not like I can just pull up his Facebook profile and see what he's up to. I'm 90% sure, though, that he has no second family. He learned the hard way that he doesn't want any of that whole wife/kids thing when he left my grandma/dad/aunt/uncle.

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  32. Eerie. Genetics are so weird. My paternal grandmother's cousin visited from Denmark once when I was 12, and she showed me a picture of one of her nieces. The young woman looked identical to me. Everyone says I resemble my mother, but the Viking blood is strong in me!

    [im]https://www.flickr.com/photos/48573723@N03/5093906889[/im]

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    1. One of these days, I'll get a hang of this image thing! https://www.flickr.com/photos/48573723@N03/5093906889

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    2. Flickr really, REALLY doesn't like sharing images, which is why it's blocked out. It, however, is not smarter than me (or so I tell myself).

      [im]https://c1.staticflickr.com/5/4124/5093906889_007a68e84f.jpg[/im]

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    3. I wish I had Viking blood. That sounds scary and badass. The closest I can hope for is that this guy was my great, great, great grandfather.

      AND MY AXE!
      [im]http://vignette2.wikia.nocookie.net/lotr/images/5/57/Gimli_at_the_siege_of_moria.jpg[/im]

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  33. I can definitely see the resemblance to your grandpa, my mother has been going through stuff that belonged to my grandparents and has uncovered some remarkable photos. I don't remember my grandfather on my father's side. My brother was born at 3:00 am and my grandfather died at 3:00 pm the same day.

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    1. My grandma had a bunch of pictures tucked away in her basement and that's where we found this one. All of those old family pictures ARE remarkable, aren't they? I wonder if our current pictures will be so wondrous when our grandkids are our ages.

      "What's this picture?"
      "Oh it's just another selfie of grandma flipping off the camera while sitting in the front seat of her car. God, she took like a HUNDRED of those."

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    2. Will old photos even exist in the future? Everything is digital now. There is something magical about holding those old photos the texture of the paper, the smell there is something tangible about it. It's not like flicking through your phone. It is sort of fun rummaging through old boxes of photos.

      haha - I am sure there will be hundreds of selfies captured for future generations.

      Oh, I really like how you ended the post in black and white. Captured the past rather well.

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  34. OMG! You do look like him. I remember going to my uncle's wake and there were pictures scattered around the place. My family and I were standing to the side, and I picked up a picture of my great-grandmother. One of my cousins came by and told me how much I looked like my great-grandmother. Mind you, the woman looked like a bulldog, and I told my cousin that. She couldn't believe I'd say such a thing about family. She told me I looked like her when she was younger. I asked, "When she was three?" LOL!

    I'm guessing alcoholism ran in many families back then.

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    1. "So what you're saying is that in the future I WILL look like a bulldog?"

      I hate when people do that - say you look like someone, and that someone is ugly as hell. I mean, what are you trying to say about me?

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  35. NO! Died face down, drunk in a gutter!?! Hell of a way to go. Let's hope he went out with a fight by trying to crawl his way out, like this: [im]http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/66229/spider-midget-o.gif[/im]
    Those are some tough genes to fight against, but at least you have some self-awareness so that you can fight against potential booze-and-gambling-hound addictions. Loved the silent movie cartoon, by-the-way.

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    1. I wish I could say that I'm some strong willed champion of addiction-fighting but I've just never had any desire to drink myself into a coma or gamble... well, at all. And that was even before I knew about my grandpa's bastardly ways. I'd say those genes skipped me entirely.

      And I think it was more like this (but unfortunately, no matter how much he helicopter-spun, the current was just too strong):
      [im]http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view/28091/midget-o.gif[/im]

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  36. Glad the resemblance is only in appearance. He doesn't sound like a great roll model!

    My husband and his grandfather could have been twins. The resemblance is uncanny.

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    1. "Role model." Although, your grandfather probably did a lot of rolling!

      Delete
    2. Haha, I think you had it right the first time! I'm pretty sure he left every bar he ever frequented much like this:
      [im]http://gifrific.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/09/Ralph-Wiggum-Smiles-Rolls-Down-Hill.gif[/im]

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  37. Dude-complaining about 5'10" being meager? Try 5'7"....in 9th grade football, I remember the coach salivating about what I'd be like on the line when I hit my growth spurt (that height and pretty broad shoulders).

    Well I am 54 and am still waiting to find out...

    My mon was 4'11" and my dad was just about 6 feet...SO I guess I split the difference.

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    1. When you spring up to 6'1 next year, you should call your old high school football coach and inquire as to whether he's still looking for a studly offensive lineman.

      My mom's 5'2 and my dad's 5'8. My maternal grandpa was 5'3 and maternal grandma 5'1, and my paternal grandpa was 5'8 while my paternal grandma is 4'11. How I got my height is beyond me. Based on current projections, though, I expect that my grandson will be roughly 6'4.

      Delete
  38. I do not understand why the wat picture is never not funny, but holy crap is it funny.
    [im]http://memesvault.com/wp-content/uploads/Wat-3d-Gif-18.gif[/im]

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    1. Holy crap, I do believe that's my new favorite WAT gif. A close, creepy second.
      [im]http://i.imgur.com/AxtzziK.gif[/im]

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    2. Lil Bro#2 and I once had an hour long text conversation of nothing but wat pictures

      [im]http://littlefun.org/uploads/53a6089de691b25f25ab32ec_736.jpg[/im]

      [im]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/24/c8/46/24c846cf4d662a2e90da23be208a1cfa.jpg[/im]

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    3. ...And it was the greatest text conversation in the history of text conversations.

      [im]http://i1.kym-cdn.com/photos/images/newsfeed/000/715/614/d45.jpg[/im]
      [im]http://stream1.gifsoup.com/view4/20131212/4922089/wat-is-love-o.gif[/im]

      Delete
  39. Wow. That is so Dr. Who!

    In my family, everyone was either kicked out of their country of origin, or fled, except for the Apache part, which was the only tribe to declare guerilla warfare on the white man. You know how that went.

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    1. Well, at least you're still around. Being all white and alive. I'm all about that.

      Delete
  40. Wow! The resemblance is eerie. Unfortunately, you can't that you're a branch on THAT family tree. I look so UNlike anyone in our family, I used to wonder if I was adopted. Everyone else is very dark-haired, dark-eyed, and I'm light-haired and green-eyed. Hmmm, maybe I look exactly like my great-great-great grandmother. Nah, on second thought, I don't think so. I've seen some of those old pictures, and they all looked OLD, even when they were kids...

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    1. Yeah, don't they all look so old? I'm way older than my grandpa was in that pic, yet he looks older than I do. And Shorty was probably my age in his pic. He looks 40. That era definitely took a toll on a person.

      If it tells you anything, one of my great uncles has blue eyes and is a redhead. In a family of dark haired, dark eyed Mexicans. Yeah, we don't know how that happened, but he has the face of his dad, so... no ginger milkman involved.

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  41. Never been drunk? How is that possible, with a blog called A Beer For the Shower?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. A body that processes alcohol like it's water. The Irish ain't got nothing on me.

      Delete
    2. Tis a great curse, though, for it means I have to drink because I like the taste, not because I want to get wasted. For example, a 12 pack of Keystone Light gives me nothing but a stomach ache.

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  42. It's time you accept the truth. You really ARE your own grandfather. One day soon you're going to get drunk, stumble into time travel, and end up back in the old days. At first you'll have no memory so you'll sleep with your own grandmother. Then you get your memory back one day. You realise what you have done. So you run out, and become addicted to drinking and gambling to try and shut away the memories. You never see your son or grandson again because it's your father and you. Meeting yourself would destroy the time space continuoum. You can't risk that.


    On a more serious note it's incredible the effect that the genes of our parents can have on us. Even non-genetic things can have a significant impact. If a parent really messes up then even their grandchildren can feel the effects.

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    1. Oh god it's probably true. My Grandma was a real fox before she turned into a shriveled raisin. I'd never recognize her younger form.

      That. Story. Is. Fantastic. I loved it so much I shared it with my parents. They both laughed out loud (I guess I inherited my twisted humor from them).

      And on a more serious note I also just find it fascinating when a parent really screws up and the kid has the willpower and the determination to turn out better. My dad is awesome. He's the kindest guy I know, and has always been there for me, through thick and thin. Not bad for a guy who never once had that himself.

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    2. Not having something will either cause you to make sure that your kids have it, or cause you to believe they can live without it too. It's good to hear he broke a generational thing by living a good life unlike his own grandfather and father. It's also good to know I can still spin a fun tale.

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  43. I come from a family of giants. Going back three generations, many of the men (and a few of the women) were over 6'6". Broad shouldered, also. Built like linebackers. My family reunions look like a professional wrestling convention.

    My great-great grandfather married three times and had a total of 17 children between the three. When we're at one of our extended family reunions, we introduce ourselves first by stating which wife we are a descendant of.

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    1. Wow! Well, I'll make sure our family reunions are never hosted in the same building so that no one gets stepped on. I escaped their wrath, but Shorty's genes still made it to many of my other relatives, and we have plenty of 4 footers still around. 4 footers that would very easily stick to the shoes of those 6'6" broad shouldered ladies.

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  44. Whoa, yeah, you two do look a lot alike. Also, strange to think that the guy's been gambling and drinking and who knows what else, and he's still alive at 93. Maybe he isn't, but he died alone and the public record never got updated.

    As for my own family, I have this weird thing where I'm really really really good at algebra and calculus when no one else in my family is. The only genetic connection I can find is my great great great (oh I don't know how many times) grandfather who was a scientist and mathematician. Also, he looks like my dad. :-D

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Nope, he's still alive. I think I may have found him with some help from a very kickass blog friend, so there's going to be a part two here soon. Anyhow, I assume he got his act together. Either that or he has a body that's made of cast iron.

      So is math a genetically inherited skill? If so, then I can blame my parents for my complete lack of understanding of algebra, calculus, trigonometry, etc.

      Delete
  45. I prefer to think of it as less of an evil twin and more of a Bizarro Bryan.

    I had to Tweet you the accompanying photo because I wasn't sure where to upload it :P

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    1. Ha! I bet that's pretty close to how he looks now, too! Like me as a wrinkled zombie. How horrifying a thought is that?

      And now that you Tweeted it, it has a link location and can be posted here for all to enjoy.

      [im]https://pbs.twimg.com/media/CdyDuLGVIAEPglY.jpg:large[/im]

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  46. I'm late getting here but better late than never. Ok, yes you look similar except for the expressions. Try as you might you don't give off the asshole smirk the way your dear grandpa does. He , I am guessing, is the little baby on mom's knee.....just wondering. My great grandfather, on my dad's side, used to deliver the mail for the Kaiser...yes that old because this was around the 1860's I am thinking. Apparently, he liked to drink more than hold a job and would dump the mail to go to the pubs in Prussia, a German province. This was not looked on lightly so he had to leave, with his wife and changed his name from Bader to Baderski and fled the country. My grandfather was born in 1878 in Scotland. A funnier event is not my story but a friend's, her grandfather went with his brother and son to Boston for St. Patrick's Day. They started drinking and somehow lost the grandfather for 3days. They looked everywhere but couldn't find him. Rather than worry they went to the St. pAtrick's Day parade. Marching along with the other people in the actual parade was her grandfather! He was waving to the public and having a great time. They never did find out where he was for those 3 days.

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    1. You still showed up faster than my grandpa ever did. Ba-zing!

      Yep, he's the wee baby on his mom's knee. Just look at him there, silently plotting her death (I assume).

      Dumping the mail to get drunk at the bar - I love the priorities there! At least his name change was voluntary. When great-grandpa Shorty came over from Spain, his last name was Perez. They asked him what his last name was, so he said in a very thick accent "Peddez." It was written down as Pedas, pronounced like peddus, so now that's the family name and suffice it to say NO ONE can ever pronounce it upon first meeting me.

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    2. I had a feeling that was him since he has a look of nasty child...I almost wrote Puppy Monkey Baby

      Delete
  47. Damn, you do look like your Grandpa. I loved the story.

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    1. Thanks! And due to recent developments, it seems there will actually be a part two to this story. Stay tuned for Does Grandpa Still Look Like Bryan Or Does He Look Like An Angry Shriveled Raisin-person?

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  48. that was freaky! but always fun to see a cartoon baby drop-kicked...
    glad you found other diversions that are less destructive, yet keep the fun of an alcoholic, right? (jk!)
    thanks for the laughs!

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    1. Hey, somebody's gotta keep those infants airborne.

      I don't act on my evil impulses. I just write about them as if I HAD done them and call it fiction. Isn't that the whole point of being a writer?

      Delete
  49. Wow! Definitely could be an evil twin. Or perhaps the same person? I've wondered how vampires survive over the years....they must have to start pretending to be their own great great grandson. (I almost missed this post, i'm glad i didn't!)

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    1. You caught me; I'm actually Shorty. Do you know how hard it is to walk on stilts for a century? I would NOT recommend it.

      Delete
  50. Between your new schedule and my broken blog roll, I'm at serious risk of missing your posts. You certainly do look like Grandpa there, it's strange how that genetic connection works out sometime.

    As for the behavioral/black sheep thing, every family has em. My family has a weird habit of ending up on the wrong side of various wars. Great (maybe 2 greats) grandpa fought in the US Civil War- on the side of the South. Great (probably 2 or 3 greats) Uncle was a Polish National who wanted to fight the Germans, so he joined the Russian Army, got caught up in their Revolution and ended up in Siberia. Mom's family we're either Jews or Gypsies in the mid twentieth century. Hitler wiped out those of them that remained in Europe. Those who made it to the States took on the disguise of devote Polish Catholics. What a mess! My heritage is one of some pretty poor, or at least rough decisions.

    Well I guess you win some and you lose some. I would like to think I've broken that cycle, but then I have a few insane decisions in my past too.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. If it helps, our posting schedule is in a picture up in the upper right corner. And it follows the BOTB schedule pretty damn well.

      And as for poor war decisions, your lifetime choice is simple. Just don't join ISIS, and I think you'll be okay...

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  51. I am a spittin image of my maternal grandfather...and basically the same height. I also share his proclivity to cause trouble now and then :)

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    1. See, trouble now and then is where it's at! My grandpa made the mistake of getting into nothing BUT trouble. That never ends well.

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  52. That resemblance is truly uncanny! What a great story.

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    1. Thanks! And the story's not quite over yet. Time for a Jerry Springer-style reunion.

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