Tuesday, March 22, 2016

#05 - A Black Guy Named Monica







112 comments:

  1. Ebonics- not just for black people anymore.

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    1. Ha! There's a blond-haired white kid around here that talks like that and I want to slap the teeth out of his face when I hear him speaking like that. Son, you're not from the mean streets, you're from the suburbs of Denver.

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  2. I feel your pain. There is a person at our local Kroger and I need a translator to understand her. The girls swear she is speaking English but I don't understand a word she says.

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    1. I've encountered a few people like that, and thankfully they ended every sentence with 'knamean?' (Know what I mean?) so at least it was nice knowing that whatever the hell they were saying, "Yes" was always an acceptable answer.

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  3. Word, bruh. So dope. Some people are cray cray, not kewl. Right, homies? Yolo! Oopsies. Got pawned. (now excuse me while I go shoot myself.)

    I know one guy who says, "what's up, dawg?" "hey, dawg." Dawg this dawg that. Yet he's talking to me and not a dog. Go figure lol

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    1. What a coincidence, I know a guy who calls everyone brother. "Hey brother!" "What's going on, brother?" "How you doing, brother?"

      And yet I'm not related to him in the slightest. Odd.

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  4. Ah, the power of slang. Making the other party think you're saying something completely different. Surprising to see politics are how they are without it.

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    1. Maybe if Future President Trump™ starts calling all of his black voters* Monica he'll be on his way to a landslide victory.

      *once they start existing

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    2. Honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if there's a couple of black hipsters out there voting for Trump ironically.

      And hey, I finally accepted your Wii U friend request, BryGuy! Took me a while, because my Wifi password had changed, but the gamepad (which is for some reason required to change system settings) was in for repairs.
      So, wanna "smash" sometime soon? If you know what I mean. (; I got a bunch of stay-at-home days this and next week, after that it's just wednesdays and thursdays. Weekends too, of course. Just throw a date/time my way and we'll see if we can orchestrate something!

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    3. Awww yeah! I'm pretty slammed this week, but next week I might have some free time. I'll shoot you a comment your way and let you know. But either way, we'll do this soon. Now I just need to practice so this isn't a one way Smash fest...

      Also, regarding Trump, you're not wrong.

      [im]https://pics.onsizzle.com/Twitter-day-43-the-unseasoned-chicken-has-353092.png[/im]

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  5. Maybe you guys can clue me into why so many Hispanics refer to me as "cool hero." They say it so fast that they string the words together, and it ends up sounding like they're saying something like "culero." I mean, I know I'm cool, and I have the capacity to be a hero, but I don't know why people are always screaming it at me.

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    1. My suggestion would be to ask Chin. According to my angry family members, he knows all about cool heroes since he's got one. "Chin's got a cool hero." Or I guess "chingate culero" as they say it.

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  6. "I felt a great disturbance in the Force, as if millions of English teachers suddenly cried out in terror, and were suddenly silenced. I fear something terrible has happened."

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    1. [im]http://funnyand.com/wp-content/uploads/2014/12/The-English-Teacher.jpg[/im]

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    2. [im]http://mediacdn.snorgcontent.com/media/catalog/product/d/e/deerlord_fullpic_1.png[/im]

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  7. This pasty faced white boy would never pass for a Monica...

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    1. I sure pass for a Green-Go, though, or so my Mexican friends tell me. Which is weird, because I'm not green.

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  8. You guys always make me laugh. *once they start existing...hahahahaha

    As for "being a special kind of stupid"...it seems that I am even MORE of a special kind of stupid because I had to look up the Monica reference. OK now I get it. Clearly, I don't have nearly enough diversity in my life. 99 percent of the time I can understand what they are saying. That other 1 percent that I didn't understand was probably not crucial information.

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    1. Ha! I was wondering if there was anyone who wouldn't get it. Worry not, though. Black cousins aside (who I've only seen a handful of times) the only diversity around here are the varying degrees of orange from yuppies giving themselves awful looking spray tans.

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  9. You can always count on me to be the one 10 minutes after the joke to slap my forehead and say "Oh..now I get it!

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    1. At least you didn't wander around and ask any black people.

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  10. Why doesn't anyone speak Pig Latin anymore? This old white geezer wants to know.

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    1. I think it got replaced by the much superior Igpay Atinlay.

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  11. Hmmm... The last time a man of "medium-color" told me "You don't belong here, right, ese?" I admitted that I didn't and I paid for my trespassing by giving him... my briefcase.

    ["Look, man, don't MAKE me give you my briefcase!" That expression should be a "thing".]

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Well, in all fairness, they did leave a sign that says no trespassing. Not a very legible one, mostly graffiti, but still a sign that says, "This is fucking private property, no fucking trespassing, this means fucking you.

      (It says all that? Maybe if you wrote it in fucking English I could fucking understand it.)

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  12. "I'd like a bowl of 'Updog,' please."
    "What's updog?"
    "Not much. How 'bout you?"
    Thank you. Thank you very much.

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    1. Me: "I like Updog but I'm a bigger fan of Upsexy."
      Still me: "What's Upsexy?"
      Me: "Not much, what about you?"
      Still me: "I am so alone."

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  13. Replies
    1. [im]http://cdn.inquisitr.com/wp-content/uploads/2011/11/origins-of-memes.jpg[/im]

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  14. In your struggle for gritty realism, you noticed that in America, white people stand in front of steel blue (or "cornflower") walls, while minorities hang out in front of sky blue walls.

    Someday, when the effects of racism are lessened, they'll be able to afford cornflower blue walls of their own.

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    1. Oh, no, I think you misunderstand. We white people can afford cornflower blue walls, but the minorities are just out in the open. That's blue sky behind them. They can't afford walls*.

      *Thank God Future President Trump™ is going to build them some

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    2. Only if we get Mexico on board for paying for it. Oh no...my cynicism is showing isn't it?

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    3. Well of course we're going to get them to do it. Do you know how cheap Mexican labor is? Plus, nothing sends a message quite like making illegals build their own wall. Take THAT!

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    4. Mexico will, that I can tell you. CHINA!

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    5. Mexico will, that I can tell you. CHINA!

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  15. I'm a special kind of stupid like that. I;m the girl that fell for snipe hunting. Nuff said.

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    1. Pro tip from an ex-professional snipe hunter: when you line up your target, you want to make sure you hold the gun just right. Like this.

      [im]http://lh3.ggpht.com/kaushik810/SQMdHkhFEkI/AAAAAAAADM0/KjruDsFqls4/girl-holding-gun_thumb%5B2%5D.jpg?imgmax=800[/im]

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  16. Hmmm, must be a Friends reference.

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    1. It's from episode #87: "The One Where Joey Gets Jumped For Dropping The N-Word."

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  17. I know no Spanish, since I concentrated on French. It's the Quebecois here who speak a different kind of French - even the French in France aren't sure what is being said by visitors from Quebec. I prefer my French in France. I will have the Spanish on the side, please. . .I too had to look up the slang of that monica word. . .say what?

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    1. The only French I ever concentrated on was French fries. I suck at any language that isn't English, but I can speak meme like you wouldn't believe (that should be its own language).

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  18. Back in school, I had a few bullies on the playground who used to call me a stupid Kraut. I thought they were calling me a stupid crowd. Probably my best come back was, "I'm only one person, why are you calling me a crowd?" Which only made them laugh more. I didn't understand till years later.

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    1. I always thought Kraut was a stupid term. Germans like sauerkraut, so Kraut is somehow derogatory. It's like me being called a Beaner. Yeah, I love beans. Add some cheese and it's a damn party. What of it?

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  19. Being a woman of a 'certain age' and so pasty they named a flower after me, I didn't get a single reference. Of course. I do, however, have a friend who is a bit more colorful than I who must be a very fond of the water since she always yells 'BEACH' when she sees me. Funny that. Have a niiiiiice day!

    [im] https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/c/c9/Narcissus_papyraceus_'Paper-White_Narcissus'_(Amaryllidaceae)_plant.jpg [/im]

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    1. Ha! I dig your spirit flower. I'm pretty sure I blend into that same non-existent tone.

      What a coincidence! I have a friend who just likes a part of the beach. I assume that's why he always greets me with "Some-beach!"

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  20. Yes, things will be SO much better under Future President Trump. He'll bring the peace and stability to America and the World that are so desperately needed.

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    1. Yes, and in Trump's clubhouse, no Muslims allowed, because fuck those guys!

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  21. Since my dad was born in 1913, I grew up knowing the slang like Kraut since my dad married one:) Have you ever heard of D.P.? This wonderful term is for Displaced Person. My mom would joke about her being one. As for the language..I...hang my head low and agree with Adam(way above) that all teachers yelled out. I would have no idea what they would be saying to me and I would be taking out my language dictionary.

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    1. I don't know DP but I do know DVDA*.

      *Google at your own risk

      Also, if it hasn't been created yet, someone should make a slang dictionary. Like, a current one. Like, yesterday current. It's amazing how quickly it all changes.

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  22. Monica...now that's funny. I think the latest slang I heard around here was "You ratchet Beeetch." I had to Google Ratchet and find out what the heck they were talking about.

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    1. It's ever-changing. For example, me and the squad are gonna be lit af tonight fam. <-- I'm sure even that's old and outdated now.

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  23. LOL! "Essay, yeah I write those".
    Never heard of Monica, but maybe we are all Monica...well maybe not us since we're white. We'll say we're all Ashley.
    White as it gets.

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    1. Okay, as long as we're not all Ashley Madison, because last time that happened a ton of idiotic husbands lost their wives to a small army of spam bots.

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  24. For a minute there I thought I accidentally had this page translated into Mayan or something. But I figured it out. I could share some of my son's stories from work but it would be too politically incorrect. He can swear in Nepalanese. I don't even know how to spell that.

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    1. It's actually Nepalese, and my dad's old coworker (who was Nepalese) pronounced it like "Nipple-Ease." Once you hear that, it's damn near impossible to forget that word.

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    2. I can't believe you did that to me!

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    3. There's a joke about Nipple-ease women somewhere around here but I'm not yet prepared to make it.

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  25. I don't know what the hell you are talking about Monica.

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    1. With those awesome recipes you post you always Monica.

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  26. If people want to talk like that, they should hand out crib sheets so the rest of us know what the heck they're saying. No problem, though. Trump will probably outlaw that sort of language...

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    1. Well, in public he will. Let's not pretend that in private that guy doesn't drop the N-bomb like Michael J. Fox drops coins at a parking meter.

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  27. Let's try again. I thought you were going in an entirely different direction with Monica.
    [im]http://www.freakingnews.com/pictures/102500/Monica-Lewinsky-Holding-Little-Bill-Clinton-102911.jpg[/im]

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    1. So did Bill. Ba dum tish.

      [im]https://i.imgflip.com/enywi.jpg[/im]

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  28. This makes me think of one thing, Airplane! (Title of the movie, not an extraneous exclamation point.)
    [im] https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/736x/84/a9/20/84a9207585272aa1297c24a77edd28ea.jpg[/im]

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    1. That movie was great enough to warrant the exclamation mark, though, dammit!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RrZlWw8Di10

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  29. B&B:
    I swear (because I know all the right words) that I will NEVER find the "fascination" (?) with people who choose to use what I call LAZY LANGUAGE in America.
    In our day, we had PROPER slang, and knew HOW and WHEN to use it.
    This is all an aside from those others who refuse to use ENGLISH at all, or very seldom.
    Then, toss in the virtual world, and it's texting slang, and we are are horribly behind the 8-ball.

    Where will it end?
    Haven't a clue.

    Good post and great comments.

    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. It will probably end with everyone just speaking in letters.

      U F A 4-N X-N. I M 4-N 2!

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  30. The last few times I had to venture into a ... *questionable* neighbourhood, I was asked what country I'm from.

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    1. I hope your answer was, "I'm from the mean streets of Quebec, Canada," said in a French-Canadian accent.

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    2. I choose a different country each time. Last time it was Svalbard.

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  31. Lots of Monicas around where I live. But if you're white, you'd better not call them that! They can call each other that, but if a white person does, it's big trouble!

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    1. I once dated a girl named Monica, and she was white. Does that make me a racist?

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  32. Once I realized what you were doing, I kept trying to guess what Monica was referring to. I wasn't able to until I got to that panel.

    There's a black guy a work I talk to every day with no issues, but as soon as he turns to talk to another black man, it's like he's speaking another language. They loves to laugh at me when I get lost.

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    1. It's really, really impressive to me when a black dude can go from talking like Wayne Brady with me to talking like Lil Wayne with another black person. Is that just, like, a switch you can flip?

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    2. As an ESL teacher I know the name for this. It's called code-switching. It's the same as how you can switch from how you would talk to your boss versus how you address a child without any real thought about it.It also works for people who speak more than one language and can switch back and forth.

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    3. I don't have a child and I can't speak more than one language so I guess this still blows my tiny, singular mind.

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  33. LOL! I really feel like I'm out of sorts because I don't even understand the younger generation. But the below video makes total sense.

    https://youtu.be/Dd7FixvoKBw

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    1. We love that sketch! In our small group of friends, two are named Aaron and Blake... or as we call them, A-Aron and Balackay.

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    2. When I'm mad, my husband will say, "Be Dee-Nice, Dee-Nice."

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  34. It took me about 2 1/2 minutes to figure this one out. Thanks for again demonstrating just how out of touch I am and how poorly my brain is operating these days.

    *goes off to read "Family Circle" comics*

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    1. Here, I can help with that.

      [im]http://i-beta.crackedcdn.com/phpimages/article/9/2/1/53921.jpg[/im]

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  35. I must admit - I am not in your league. If fact, most comments are outside my realm of comprehension. Maybe I have a disease?

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    1. Yes, and that disease is Severe English Comprehension. It means you speak proper English and don't understand our stupid caveman grunt slang.

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  36. Hehehe I didn't get about half of that, but hey, that's because I live on the other end of the world. You know, the one with no Future President Trump to worry about.

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    1. A lot of people (mostly Americans) act like the USA is the #1 country in the world, but at this point I wouldn't even put us in the top ten. If you get two new American neighbors after this election, well, don't be too surprised.

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  37. Now in Bryan/Brandon's defense they were at least speaking another language. When you wake up and realise you don't know what kids speaking YOUR language are saying is a sad day. I don't know what the fuck fleek is but I can only assume I am not on it.

    Apparently being "on fleek" means being flawless. I take that back. I'm totes on fleek.

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    1. You squad fam so of course you on fleek. You get lit af AND you go hard in the paint, so you go ahead and cash out those ratchet ass haters.

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    2. ...I don't know how to feel that I understood all that. Happy? Sad? I'm sure that, whatever this feeling is, some teenager on Tumblr has a retarded word for it.

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    3. ...And I ran out of cool young slang words, so I've got nothing else to offer. Well, back to the old folks home for me.

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  38. It's a good thing I still listen to rap music (you know, that there devil music!) and watch shows like @midnight or I'd be screwed after my kids move out of the house because I can't understand half the stuff my daughter says without an explanation from Chris Hardwick.

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    1. Chris Hardwick is the youngest old guy ever. It's great. I'm not ashamed to say that I too get most of my new slang and pop culture references from a 44 year old man.

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  39. I had/have to have all three of those explained to me :P

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    1. Alright, alright, we'll help you out. Especially since I doubt you have a lot of Spanish speakers on your side of the globe.

      In Spanish, esé just means man, or dude. Sometimes Spanish speaking guys, when using English, will combine it and say something like, "What's up, esé?" Which just means what's up, dude? As you may have guessed, esé sounds like "essay."

      "Ai papi!" just means "Oh, daddy!" and is an expression used in a sexual connotation. I'm sure you get the idea. It rhymes perfectly with "I poppy."

      Lastly, sometimes black folks call each other "my nigga," and it gets said so fast/emphasized differently that it comes out like "my nikka" or even "my nyukka" which both sound a little like Monica.

      So in closing, though you are white, you will always be Monica.

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    2. I feel so culturally informed now.

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    3. Take that with you now, into your everyday life, and spread this wealth of knowledge to others. Or don't. That last one could get you shot.

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  40. Here are a few of Scotlands finest gems for you:

    "How?" - meaning "Why?"
    "Mind?" - meaning "Do you remember?"
    "He's no the worst." - meaning "He is clearly the worst, but he's my pal"
    "Is it knocked?" - "I'm quite sure these goods are stolen."
    "Taps aff weather" - "Behold my incredible pecs, for it is over 10 degrees C"
    "I cannae mind maist ae last night" - "I got wasted and made an arse of myself last night. As such, I refuse to admit that I remember any of my misdeeds."


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    1. Scottish slang is so much cooler than American slang. I'd love to adopt those phrases, if only to heavily confuse others. In other words, consider your slang knocked. How? Because I cannae mind maist ae last night.

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    2. It's even confusing to the Scottish, depending on where you're from. I once heard someone in Aberdeen, where the accent is particularly thick, say "fair fizzy gaun fae that Bonnie bairn it that tim o nicht"
      Which apparently meant, "where was he going at that time of night with that pretty wee baby?"

      A lot of it makes no sense.

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  41. I would've thought the guy was taking about an essay or the girl's name was Poppy too. I need to get the 411 on modern slang... do people even say 411 any more?

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    1. With Google being a thing now, I'm amazed 411 even still exists. And I confirmed that it did... by Googling it...

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  42. [im]https://cdn.stepfeed.com/uploads/2015/09/30180325/20150930-3ala-rase.gif[/im]

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    1. Oh yeah, I loved that episode, I think it was called "The One Where Monica Dates A Black Guy Named Monica." I thought it was a bit tacky having Matthew Perry burn a cross in his lawn, though (I assume it was the drugs talking).

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  43. And then there's this:
    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5TRL9zVMqk

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    1. Still more coherent than my black cousins.

      (Great clip)

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  44. I think maybe I don't understand none of this, but that might be because I speak Chicagoese with a Cruzan accent. If you get that, you've got a better grasp of linguistics than me, for sure.

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    1. I don't understand either of those, but I do enjoy the occasional Chicago dog while drinking Cruzan, which I assume is practically the same thing.

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