Tuesday, March 8, 2016

#04 - How Can Mirrors Be Real If Our Bodies Aren't Real





97 comments:

  1. The biggest irony is when fat people are telling super-skinny people they should be ashamed of their bodies.

    If chunky Belle is real, I'd rather have the "fake" one.

    I do miss this term from my online dating days, BBW. Which I assumed meant Big Beastly Whale.

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    1. Back during my online dating days, I saw so many women that listed their body type as average while being well over 200 lbs.

      I don't think they understand how averages work.

      I just love that people shaped like chunky Belle are called "curvy" now. Yeah, that's not curvy. She has no curves whatsoever; she's just fat. Women of any size can be curvy, and the word references an hourglass like figure, not being built like a refrigerator.

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  2. You're all too swole to exist. Can't be flaunting a body that breaks spacetime, right?

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    1. Yeah son I got these sick ass 15 inch biceps and you don't even wanna tangle with these pythons ya herd?

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  3. Just another form of fat lazy ass people trying to justify themselves being fat lazy ass people.

    This is how a real body looks after McDonald's 3 meals a day, 2 mins of exercise walking to and from the bathroom, sleeping 12 hours a day and whining all over the internet about those fat shaming skinny folks.

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    1. "I don't get it, doc, why am I still morbidly obese? I've tried absolutely nothing and I'm all out of options."

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  4. Unless it's made of silicone (Cher, anyone?) it's pretty much a real body; shove your 'eat a sammich!' in the first available orifice. Same way with the 'I'm not fat, I'm FLUFFY'. Just 'fess up to it, plzkthnx.

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    1. Well, in all fairness, my body isn't technically real. I'm half cyborg, half reptilian, half human. And all of me is terrible at fractions.

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  5. I'm fine with all thing being realistic as soon as they give poor Ken a penis.

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    1. But for ultra realism it should be 2 inches shorter than he advertises and doesn't work half the time because he's just a little nervous, STOP LOOKING HIM IN THE EYES.

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  6. Wow, the wife has on some low-slung jeans. You're lucky Katy's not around anymore.

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    1. Actually, those are yoga pants. Tight, form fitting yoga pants that generously hug every delicate curve.

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  7. My body isn't real? Crap, why do I work so hard to keep it in shape then?

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  8. The Pinocchio of the new age. "I AM a real boy! I [co="red"]AM[/co] a real boy!"

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    1. "Sorry Pinocchio, you may be human now, but you don't qualify as a REAL boy until you gain 95 lbs and become a gorgeous, curvy empowerment of human flesh."

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  9. Real people should get real more often and start lookin' in the mirror. When you are sportin' camel toe in your yoga pants it's time to go up a size or two or go on a diet.

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    1. The wife and I recently saw that size 4XL yoga pants exist. We could probably both fit in them together, one of us in each leg. You say go up a size or two, and I say I'd rather not see a size 4XL person wearing anything resembling yoga pants to begin with.

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  10. Uhm... I thot and I thot and I thunk and I thunk and I got... nuttin'. I don't theenk this has ever happened to me 'afor now.

    Guess I'll have to send a weird text to make it up to you. (When you get the text, theenk AITF, because I theenk that's where it stems from.)

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. It's probably that fake body of yours failing you. If you weren't a lame vegetarian, I assume you'd have a real body. One powered by bacon and cheeseburgers and high blood pressure.

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    2. I may be a vegetarian, but I'll have you know that my real body is powered by 7.10% ABV and 80 IBUs!
      http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/4950/56678/

      I'm bitter as Walter and strong as a six-pack (with a beer belly).

      ~ D-FensDogG

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  11. Replies
    1. You don't even know how hard it is to type out novels and comments with no arms to support your severed hands.

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  12. Those Disney princesses are all 16 and in the prime of their young lives. Why would they look like they had five kids and lived on fast food? I tried to find some "real life" princes for you, but they only had creepy real life guys dressed as the princes. *shudders* Then I looked up "real life" superheroes. Again, there's only the women they expand. Why do they have to do that? You know how many hours a day those heroes exercise to get in shape like that? Or, you know, they just have mutant powers that make them those in shape.

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    1. They have a few male examples of superheroes. My favorite is flabby, out of shape Iron Man. He spends all day running around fighting villains, but yeah, Iron Man is still built like a computer programmer that last set foot in a gym 10 years ago.

      And yes - I, as a reasonably intelligent adult, understand that The Incredible Hulk looks like he does because of mutant superpowers, and it does not make me self conscious of the fact that I do not and could never have 80 inch biceps.

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  13. I continue to be amazed at all the words like normal, real, curvy etc. that endorse overweight but if you happen to be small, thin or not curvy that makes you somehow not normal.
    [im]http://i328.photobucket.com/albums/l332/Cheryl_Perzee/butt%20crack_zps7c9a6ezq.jpg[/im]

    FYI..I am again trying to insert a picture. Last time it way way too big. Seems like size matters here so I am hopeful that this isn't going to blow up to be a billboard size pic.

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    1. YES! That picture is fantastic! ...Well, minus Kim Kardashian's weird fake ass. And poor, poor Crabby Pants for being eye level with that thing. Don't get too close, now. If Kim turns around, Crabby's head is gonna be put through the nearest wall in a heartbeat.

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    2. As luck would have it Crabby Pants isn't big (fat or curvy) enough to be considered real so I guess no harm can come to her. She probably has something hidden behind her back to shield herself from butt fat. (Let's pretend it isn't the fact I can't actually draw hands worth a damn.)

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  14. Is awesome considered a body type? My brother and I got DNA tests just to be sure one of us wasn't fathered or mothered by aliens. The kind from another planet. I think his results were faked.

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    1. Ah, so you and your brother have got that tiny green body that supports a giant bulbous head, do you?

      Awesome is definitely a body type, and I'd classify mine as awesome. Shout out to the body that's helped support this giant watermelon I call a head for over 30 years.

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  15. I'm comfortable with my body type. It's called old and nearly outdated, but at least it's not expired. It mostly works and only one replacement part so far. Hopefully there aren't any cash for clunkers deals in the future.

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    1. That's a perfectly good body type, and it suits you a lot more than, say, a fake, plastic Kim K one. That particular trim level looks ridiculous on any body type.

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  16. Those articles are too ridiculous.

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    1. Body empowerment used to be, "No matter what your size or shape, you are valuable as a person, and it's important to be comfortable in your own skin."

      Now it's just "Boooooo! Skinny people are the worst! They make me feel bad!"

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  17. Judging by the sweet young beautiful princess's "real" body, when she's older, she'll be the size of a battleship. I may be old, but I don't ever wanta be that "real." Not much call for battleships in our neck of the woods.

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    1. I bet she'd make one hell of a linebacker, though.

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  18. This is ridiculous! Who wants to look at Fat Bertha Butt singing someday my prince will come. Her prince would come from the local trailer park carrying beer and cigs while scratching his crotch. Also I am sick and tired of fat people being called curvy. they are not curvy...they are fat...fat, fat, fat! Marilyn Monroe was curvy. Raquel Welch is curvy...Sophia Vergera is curvy. Kim Kardashiass is creepy. Kate Bosworth is way too skinny and does suffer from anorexia. Most models at 5 ' 10" weighing 70lbs are not trim...they are anorexic/bulemic. I could stand to lose a few pounds. So here's a thought, the healthy people who weigh a healthy BMI weight and don't have their shoulder blades sticking out like they could cut your head off are not fat...they are healthy! Having an ass the size of Cleveland is not healthy unless you are in the water and need a floatation device...ughhh don't get me started!

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    1. And yet still, if pressed with the choice between drowning and using Kim K's ass as a flotation device I'd choose death.

      And yes, there are plenty of anorexic looking models that are unhealthy. No one should strive to look like that. But, for example, the girl above in the red bikini (it's a drawing from a video game), that's not anorexic. That's not unhealthy. I don't see any ribs or pelvic bones. That looks like a great example of a curvy (the real curvy) girl who's in good shape and doesn't starve herself. It just amazes me that THAT is seen as being unrealistic and unattainable.

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    2. Oh you are so right! There is nothing wrong in being in good shape and the people who are in good shape but are. Not too thin or too heavy are the ones who get ridiculed. I don't get. It.

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  19. I'm saving my brain cells for old age.
    Nevertheless, I'm sweet & crazy... what more could you ask for?
    What? You like Big butts and you cannot lie? Dreamer!

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    1. I'm going to donate my brain cells to science but that's assuming I have any when I die.

      Big butts we like. Big guts? Not so much...

      Delete
  20. I have always had a weight problem but I too am working hard to sustain the lie. What about Trump's figure, is that real?

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    1. I bet underneath that suit there are enough corsets and girdles to suffocate a grizzly bear, and at the end of the night, when they must be removed, it's done by a tactical bomb squad so as to avoid sudden explosions.

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  21. Ah, the old "skinny women are a myth and men are deluded pigs for believing in them" gambit. A classic!

    When I saw the title, I thought maybe this was about Jaden Smith's tweets. He said something similar, but I think it was "...if our eyes aren't real?" Did I catch a reference here? A call back? Do I win tickets for being the fifteenth caller?

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    1. We were wondering if anyone would catch that. You win! You've earned yourself a 50% off any appetizer coupon good at any Bennigan's in the tri-county area.

      [im]https://kidfromthe6ix.files.wordpress.com/2014/11/screen-shot-2014-11-24-at-1-59-38-am.png?w=481&h=180&crop=1[/im]

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  22. Fabulous artwork, as always.
    That real Ken doll needs a real bro.
    [im]http://cdn.ebaumsworld.com/mediaFiles/picture/327604/80680632.png[/im]

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    1. No, you're all wrong! It should be called...
      [im]http://i44.photobucket.com/albums/f48/johnnycharge1234/mansierre.jpg[/im]

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  23. Hmm... drawing me real would be simpler. Big bellies are easy.

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    1. I've always found that when it comes to ease, the whole straight line vs half circle thing really boils down to whether you have a protractor or a ruler.

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  24. Perfect illusions, imperfect reality. If the body reality isn't what you like, you probably did something in another life, and now karma has come to pay you back. . . No wonder we don't know what to eat any more. Ever see a movie 'La Grande Bouffe'?. .A pilot (Marcello Mastroianni), a cook (Ugo Tognazzi), a TV star (Michel Piccoli) and a judge decide to gorge themselves to death on fine cuisine. An interesting retro film.

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    1. Ha, neither of us have seen or even heard of that movie, but after a quick Google... wow, what a storyline. Poop humor, funny sex scenes, and having people eat themselves to death - how ahead of its time.

      Karma - not only is it a just dessert, but it kind of sounds like a dessert.

      "Why are you so fat?"
      "Ugh, gorged myself on some chocolate karma."

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    2. Hmm - never considered it that way. . .but then halvah is like dessert too, so you could be right. Have you ever had halvah? it's made from sesame seeds and is very rich in taste and calories. And yes, that movie about eating reminded me of 'Eating Raoul' another quirky film.

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    3. I love a good halva. I've only had it a few times, but it was great. I've never tried making it, but I do make a killer baklava (served best with a nice cup of Turkish coffee).

      Yep, now I'm hungry. Where's that chocolate karma?

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  25. You're freaking me out, I'm not real?

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    1. None of us are real. This is all a Matrix-like simulation, and for whatever reason, Keanu Reeves has not yet opted to save us all.

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  26. I wish some parts of my body weren't real. My body is one part Han Dynasty (small feet and pale skin), part Golden Age of Hollywood (curvy) and Post Modern Beauty (large breasts and butt). I'll take Ancient Egypt for 50 points, Alex.

    https://youtu.be/Xrp0zJZu0a4

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    1. Ugh, I am TOTALLY a Roarin' Twenties with my flat chest and boyish figure.

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  27. [im]https://45.media.tumblr.com/tumblr_lrlo24dUf81qiijpmo1_500.gif[/im]

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  28. ABFS:
    I think a lot of this is over-hyped (imho).
    After all, most all the things these so-called "do-gooders" are talking about are TOYS for God's sake!!!
    It's FANTASY stuff for KIDS...leave them enjoy what childhood they have allotted to them, because we're forcing them to grow up TOO damn soon.
    Good post and great cartoons as usual.

    Stay safe out there, guys

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    1. One of these articles had a great complaint that was something like, "Barbies have impossible beauty standards like oversized breasts, a tiny waist, and platinum blonde hair."

      So... even just being blonde is an impossible standard of beauty? WTF?

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    2. For some people, platinum blonde is impossible. My cousin tried to go that route DIY style and ended up with blue/grey hair.

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    3. Oh I believe it. I just think it's funny that Barbie's even being criticized for her hair in a way that implies platinum blonde hair just doesn't exist at all.

      For me it's not impossible. I had platinum blonde frosted tips in high school that I would just rather not remember ever existed.

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  29. Just because you changed my hair to blonde doesn't mean I don't know you used my picture without asking. Because that's me, the real AND unrealistic . . . it depends on my salt-intake. Okay, fine, not really . . . this whole body image thing . . . thanks to people like KimK my body type is perceived as fake. I'm latina with the same 'heavy' top & bottom, wide hips & small waist, but I'm very short so I never know if I'm fat realistic or fake skinny unrealistic or if I even exist o_O

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    1. Oh yes, my Mexiwife™ (all 5'0 of her) knows that feel. With the big boobs, slim waist, and big hips/butt all in compact form, she's like a sexy brown Hobbit.

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  30. Alright, I'll never master this embedded thingy, but I have to say that video of women's body types through the ages is both awesome and downright scary. As is the princess thing. YIKES! I just looked up and read your reply to the last comment. 'Sexy Brown Hobbit' at my house you would be sleeping on the couch. Well, at my house you would be sleeping on the couch regardless. Ha, ha, ha! The debate goes on. In search of the perfect body type.

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    1. In all fairness, I say that with love, so she can't hold that against me. Especially because it's so hard for her to hold anything with those tiny Hobbit hands.

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  31. I have a friend that owns a character company. People can rent a princess or super hero to come to their party. My oldest has been Anna from Frozen several times. She has Little Mermaid hair but I refuse to let her go out in public in that costume. So if Disney Princesses were real they would probably look like a regular average teen, although I find chunky Belle funny.

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    1. I can understand why you wouldn't let her go out in that costume, but what I want to know is how that costume even works in general. If she has a fish tail, how does she get around? Ariel drags herself around on the ground with her elbows because she can't walk? This brawny assistant carries her everywhere? This is Ariel's motorized wheelchair?

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  32. It's very confusing, isn't it? Let me tell you, some petite people really do have big boobs, and there aren't enough people who think we're real, based on the lack of appropriate clothing! Tmi I know, but fuck, this is as good a place as any to rant.

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    1. My wife knows your pain. She often has to wear a size large, not because she is large, but because apparently only 'large' people have boobs. Lower sizes squish them into cross-eyed pancakes.

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  33. No dick pics? Well there goes my plans. I find those kind of articles really annoying. I suppose in a way obesity has become such a big problem that I guess being fat is the new average.

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    1. Did we put dick pics? We meant duck pics. God, I hate those stupid birds.

      Fat is definitely the new average. But I really don't know why that means people want to suddenly see 400 lb Tony Stark rolling around in his Jarvis powered motorized scooter because the other one looked 'too fake'.

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  34. Ha! This site is hilarious!!!! :)

    ~ shadowfire ~

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    1. [im]https://memecrunch.com/image/52842e451605fb4b00000032.jpg?w=400[/im]

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  35. Ha! I feel like this is just a #humblebrag about how attractive y'all are....

    (kidding. mostly.)

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    1. Remember, an attractive body does not necessarily an attractive person make.

      #Butterface

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  36. What the hell is up with Belle!? I'm normal size in my eyes. Obviously I could tone myself more. However I'm also sick of the whole "real women are thick" BS all over the interweb.

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    1. I feel like as long as a person exists they're real, but I've been known to oversimplify things.

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  37. I don't remember how I described myself when I was on OKCupid. I said curvy or something that meant even larger. I met Willy Dunne Wooters. He said, Oh, no, you're much too small to be *whatever it was I said.* I told him I didn't know because I'd gained weight. I guess I was still smaller than most people, but I don't like to pick on people because of their weight. We have too many problems with eating disorders.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I met my wife on OKCupid, and I don't remember what either of us put either, but I just found it funny that it made you 'pick' your body type from this list of choices. I saw plenty of 200 lb girls that picked 'about average' and plenty of way-too-self conscious 130 lb girls that picked 'more to love' or 'big beautiful woman' or whatever the "fat" ones were. Other than wrecking confidence, I'm not really sure why they put that whole thing in there.

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  38. I dunno. Every mirror I look at is a funhouse mirror. Of course, that could be me.

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    1. I love the funhouse mirror that gives me a forehead like Peyton Manning and an ass like Kim Kardashian. It's like the one mirror that really sees the REAL me on the inside.

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  39. First, I'm not late because I don't understand the new posting schedule. I'm late because I've been completely overwhelmed by my car accident (and all the BS that happens after said car accident).

    I love that guys have managed to tap into yet another PC topic that is absolutely ridiculous. No, it's not nice to "fat shame" someone. I think that kinda falls under the motto of "do onto others." BUT, no one wants to look at naked fat people. Heck, I don't want to look at MOST people naked. It's all iffy territory as far as I'm concerned. I can pretty well count on one hand the number of folks I'd really want to see naked.

    Ergo, the idea of making Fat Barbie or Fat Disney Princess is one of those ideas that meets all of the requirements of being PC, but I don't think most little girls will want one. Instead, they'll say to mom, "But, I want the pretty doll." Why? Because we all want the pretty doll. Let's face it. Just because it's PC doesn't mean it'll sell.

    **Note: I guarantee that all five of the folks on my "naked list" are not rocking the scale so hard that they might break it. Just sayin'.

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    1. We're both just glad to hear you're okay after that car accident. And that you have a rockin' new car.

      Your comment reminds me - I often see on Facebook links to those stupid Buzzfeed articles that are like, "This photographer captured fat people naked to prove that they're just as beautiful as everyone else!"

      Except... they're not. Especially the ones that are like 300 lbs +. I'm not going to be rude and call them ugly - like you said, "Do unto others" and all - but that's not beautiful. If your gut is so big that they don't have to blur our your genitals because the fat covers it... I'm pretty sure that's the exact opposite of sexy.

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    2. [im]https://media0.giphy.com/media/dOl2LFw0RbTMc/200.gif[/im]

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    3. One other thing I thought of AFTER I posted my comment (and before I respond to your comment addressing my first comment)... Making a woman's belly bigger and boobs smaller is not the way the human body works. When a person gains weight they gain it everywhere. Right now I'd seriously love to lose about 15 pounds (which would make me ever so much happier with the mirror and my clothes). The dealio is that when a person gains weight, they gain it everywhere. Fat women have huge boobs. They just do. Because people gain weight everywhere. Even fat men have boobs (not a mental image that is thrilling me right now). SO, to make a doll fatter and her bust smaller... well, that ain't how anatomy works.

      Yes, I'm really doing very well (especially considering how hard I was hit). I think a few weeks in therapy should mostly make everything work they way it should. Or was. Whatever.

      All media (but Facebook is VERY guilty) are trying to convince us that fat is beautiful. Fat is a heart attack waiting to happen. Fat is a knee and hip replacement at the age of 45, because the human body isn't meant to carry that much flesh around. Aside from being way unattractive it isn't healthy. The LAST thing our youth needs is a reason to sit down and never get up again. The human body wasn't made for that.

      Nothing says sexy like being so fat you lose your kitten in the folds and squash him. Yew.

      Delete
    4. Incidentally, "Lost in the Folds" is the title of our upcoming horror-thriller.

      Delete
  40. I'm trying to think what kid movie it is that the adults all float around on hover boards because they're too fat to walk...that's our future. Kids are too lazy to spell out words, too lazy to walk, God forbid we make them play outside or actually participate in gym (gah - qualify for first place NO!! Everyone gets a ribbon!), so I'm not surprised that Ken and Barbie are getting a makeover to be fat asses. What will our kids' grandkid's look like?

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    1. Yeah, Wall-E totally called it.

      [im]http://i3.kym-cdn.com/entries/icons/original/000/011/463/1088_118437617_repaste-detail.jpeg[/im]

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  41. Omg! Yes! Its Disneys WALL-E - http://youtu.be/vbLNOFbsRow

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    1. EVE is an unrealistic depiction of what a real robot looks like, so I would like to see her re-done as a garbage truck.

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  42. I don't understand the "fat is beautiful" movement. Everyone has value, and that's what should be said. But encouraging people to give up on getting healthy appears to be the way it's moving. Forget real. How about healthy? Also, I'm tired of everyone thinking it's okay to be nasty to skinny people, but not okay to say anything about someone being overweight. I had just as big an issue with self-esteem for being too skinny as a teen as anyone had with being too heavy. But people felt free to comment about my weight all the time. Double standards. It's not healthy to be too skinny, nor is it healthy to be too heavy. Period. On the flipside, the actual size of "plus-sized" models is usually average size. It wigs me out when I see what is considered plus-sized in the modeling world.

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    1. We both know that feel.

      Growing up: "Ha, don't you ever eat? Eat a cheeseburger or something!"
      My boss, at work: "Wow, what's it like being skinnier than most of the women here? They'd kill for your waistline."

      That's the same guy who also wrote someone up for joking that the new manager looked like he ate someone (he did, though).

      And the modeling world is all kinds of fucked up. If being over 100 lbs is considered plus sized, then give us plus sized all day. Starving yourself isn't any healthier than gorging yourself to death.

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  43. As a person with a regular body who DOESN'T work out, I think what is called for is people producing pictures of US with videogame/Disney princess bodies. I'm not saying I'm actively hoping people start picturing me with Jasmine's body but I'm not NOT saying that either.

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    1. I pictured you as more of a Pocahontas, but you know what? It's your body. Dare to dream.

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