Hey guys! Time for another crazy but true story in the life of Bryan.
So the other day I was on Facebook (clearly my first mistake) when I saw one of those 'People You Might Know' things. And sure enough, I saw a people I knowed. But I didn't know from where. The name didn't ring a bell, but the face looked really familiar... I just couldn't quite remember who it was.
After browsing the profile I realized that it was a girl I used to go out with, but what I saw made my jaw drop hard enough to give me whiplash.
But first... some back story here.
Once upon a time ago I took up online dating, and met a few crazies along the way. Or maybe a considerable amount of crazy. Or maybe a whole clown car full of crazy. But then I met Ellen, who wasn't traditionally my type, but she also wasn't crazy. On top of that, she was intelligent, polite, and well read. And let me tell you, being well read is hard to come by these days. A ton of girls have "I love curling up with a good book!" and "I'm an avid reader!" on their dating profile, when all they really mean is "I read Fifty Shades of Grey once because I heard it was porn." In fact, a good many of them are so illiterate I'm amazed they can even manage to fill out the profile.
That joke also works with Twilight, The Hunger Games, and anything by James Patterson.
So anyway, Ellen and I met up for coffee, and she was not what I was expecting... physically. She was the tiniest person I've ever met, standing about 4'10 and weighing all of 95 lbs soaking wet. I felt like a giant standing next to her. She also had the longest, straightest, blondest hair I've ever seen. It went down all the way to her legs, and it was her pride and joy. As she told me, she had to brush it for at least 30 minutes to an hour every single day, like some kind of Disney princess.
Aside from books, we didn't have a lot in common. She wanted to be a lawyer, whereas I want to stay as far away from lawyers as humanly possible. She liked death metal, whereas I prefer my eardrums intact. She was a Pisces, whereas I don't give a shit about horoscopes. On top of that, she wasn't very talkative. But we gave things a chance, and slowly over time she began to open up to me.
I thought I'd be happy for her to finally be able to open up, but all she did was uncork a little bit of weirdness.
And she was kinda hoping I would volunteer as tribute. Then shortly after that she released the floodgate of weirdness.
*You give her two black eyes and then knock her trash cans over on the way out
So, you might ask, why is this even worth mentioning? And why did seeing her pop up on my Facebook make my jaw drop?
Because Ellen is a man now.
Ellen, who has some videos linked to her Facebook profile so as to answer all of my WTF questions, has apparently always felt like she was supposed to be a man, so she chopped off her Disney princess hair, went on testosterone, and started working out. Ellen is now legally named Steve (why not the obvious 'Allen' I don't know, but hey, not my call), and Steve is a self proclaimed gay guy who looks a little too much like a mini Justin Bieber (only MUCH more manly... obviously).
And really, I did not see that coming, especially from someone under 5 feet tall, under 100 lbs, who once had hair that most women only dream of. But maybe those were the signs, right? Having shimmery, extra long hair and wanting to be pregnant just to feel like a woman? And now I can't help but wonder if what she was into in the bedroom that was 'really weird' is related to this. Who knows?
All I know is that it blew my mind, and I considered not even posting about it because it's such a sensitive topic. I mean, how can I make light of this situation without the angry social justice warriors of the Internet digitally gangbanging me for being bigoted or transphobic or lactose intolerant or all of the other big words they don't understand how to use properly?
But hey, I'm not judging. I wish Steve all the happiness in the world. I just think the whole thing is a trip.
And so that's the story of how I once dated a man who looks like Justin Bieber.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)
Beer: Aspen Blonde
Music: City and Colour