Monday, February 1, 2016

I'm All Man, Baby

Hey guys! Time for another crazy but true story in the life of Bryan.

So the other day I was on Facebook (clearly my first mistake) when I saw one of those 'People You Might Know' things. And sure enough, I saw a people I knowed. But I didn't know from where. The name didn't ring a bell, but the face looked really familiar... I just couldn't quite remember who it was.



After browsing the profile I realized that it was a girl I used to go out with, but what I saw made my jaw drop hard enough to give me whiplash.

But first... some back story here.

Once upon a time ago I took up online dating, and met a few crazies along the way. Or maybe a considerable amount of crazy. Or maybe a whole clown car full of crazy. But then I met Ellen, who wasn't traditionally my type, but she also wasn't crazy. On top of that, she was intelligent, polite, and well read. And let me tell you, being well read is hard to come by these days. A ton of girls have "I love curling up with a good book!" and "I'm an avid reader!" on their dating profile, when all they really mean is "I read Fifty Shades of Grey once because I heard it was porn." In fact, a good many of them are so illiterate I'm amazed they can even manage to fill out the profile.


That joke also works with Twilight, The Hunger Games, and anything by James Patterson.

So anyway, Ellen and I met up for coffee, and she was not what I was expecting... physically. She was the tiniest person I've ever met, standing about 4'10 and weighing all of 95 lbs soaking wet. I felt like a giant standing next to her. She also had the longest, straightest, blondest hair I've ever seen. It went down all the way to her legs, and it was her pride and joy. As she told me, she had to brush it for at least 30 minutes to an hour every single day, like some kind of Disney princess.





Aside from books, we didn't have a lot in common. She wanted to be a lawyer, whereas I want to stay as far away from lawyers as humanly possible. She liked death metal, whereas I prefer my eardrums intact. She was a Pisces, whereas I don't give a shit about horoscopes. On top of that, she wasn't very talkative. But we gave things a chance, and slowly over time she began to open up to me.

I thought I'd be happy for her to finally be able to open up, but all she did was uncork a little bit of weirdness.


And she was kinda hoping I would volunteer as tribute. Then shortly after that she released the floodgate of weirdness.


I stopped talking to her shortly after that, not just because I promised I wouldn't give a woman The Raccoon* until I was married (I assumed that's what she was into), but because the connection wasn't really there and she liked me a lot more than I liked her, so I didn't want to lead her on.

*You give her two black eyes and then knock her trash cans over on the way out

So, you might ask, why is this even worth mentioning? And why did seeing her pop up on my Facebook make my jaw drop?

Because Ellen is a man now.


Ellen, who has some videos linked to her Facebook profile so as to answer all of my WTF questions, has apparently always felt like she was supposed to be a man, so she chopped off her Disney princess hair, went on testosterone, and started working out. Ellen is now legally named Steve (why not the obvious 'Allen' I don't know, but hey, not my call), and Steve is a self proclaimed gay guy who looks a little too much like a mini Justin Bieber (only MUCH more manly... obviously).

And really, I did not see that coming, especially from someone under 5 feet tall, under 100 lbs, who once had hair that most women only dream of. But maybe those were the signs, right? Having shimmery, extra long hair and wanting to be pregnant just to feel like a woman? And now I can't help but wonder if what she was into in the bedroom that was 'really weird' is related to this. Who knows?

All I know is that it blew my mind, and I considered not even posting about it because it's such a sensitive topic. I mean, how can I make light of this situation without the angry social justice warriors of the Internet digitally gangbanging me for being bigoted or transphobic or lactose intolerant or all of the other big words they don't understand how to use properly?




But hey, I'm not judging. I wish Steve all the happiness in the world. I just think the whole thing is a trip.

And so that's the story of how I once dated a man who looks like Justin Bieber.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Aspen Blonde
Music: City and Colour


112 comments:

  1. And drinking a fruity drink with an umbrella isn't?
    That's definitely one of those things you don't see coming. Who knew she had a tiny man inside her?
    You didn't accept the friend request, did you?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's not gay if the drink contains rum. Look it up. It's man-law.

      So it wasn't a friend request. I think Steve was just cyber stalking me, so Facebook asked "Do you know this person?" Which makes the whole thing all the weirder.

      Delete
  2. You guys are the best. I love Bryan's dating stories. I also hate that "People you may know" feature on FB since most of the time it shows my ex's!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, I get that a lot too!

      Pro: that means your exes are still checking you out. Stalking you. Seeing what you're up to. Which means you must be really desirable.
      Con: that means your exes are still checking you out. Stalking you. Seeing what you're up to.

      Delete
  3. You really made me soul search. As someone 4'10 with long hair and a terrible dating/marriage track record. Do I suck at dating because I really want to be a man? Nope that's not it. Shew good! Although my daughter for some reason thinks I'm in the closet (from even myself) about being gay. To be fair she kinda thinks everyone is in the closet.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hey, you're not the only one. One of our good blog friends thinks that the two of us are secretly gay for each other and calls our wives beards (I love that term). Maybe we all need to do some soul searching. Do I really find my wife hot, or am I just in denial about the appeal of the hair sweater?

      Delete
  4. You went there. I can't believe you went there. Furries, man. Wow.

    But at least you can say you dated a man. That wins some points... somewhere. I love Harry Potter and Vonnegut. Yet while I do fantasize about Severus Snape, I do not do so with Kilgore Trout.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, now that I've dated a man, I suppose dating a furry is the next stop. Sure, I'm already married, but with this track record of past weirdness all I need now is a Facebook friend request from a girl I used to date who now goes by the name 'Vixen "Grrr" McFoxkin.'

      Delete
    2. Secret inside information: Go to Furcadia for that quest.

      You didn't hear it from me. Nope. I have never seen such a place.

      Delete
    3. Gah! Did you have to put it that way? Quest? My inner RPG nerd just tingled.

      Delete
  5. Maybe back then he wanted to do things that made him feel "more like a woman" because he was unaware what his "but I don't really feel all that female" feelings meant? But hey, I'm no psychologist.

    And again, loving the extra-effort artwork. The heaps of practice you get by not reusing assets is already visibly paying off!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. According to those videos it was more about trying as hard as possible to fight those feelings and suppress them, so I imagine going to the far opposite extreme was a way of accomplishing that. And I'm no psychologist, either. Clearly. Ellen, while slightly tomboyish, seemed pretty damn feminine to me.

      And you know what's funny? Now that I've learned to draw over the years and I can whip things up quickly from memory rather than having to use references and copy/paste, these new posts actually take LESS time. Imagine that.

      Delete
  6. Wow that is quite a story! You guys have some crazy online dating stories lmao. By the way great job on the new artwork! Your skits are hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Stay tuned for next week when I reveal that my wife of 5 years, to my shock, is actually two goats stacked on top of each other in a trench coat.

      Delete
  7. lmao I had the pregnant thing come due, but as far as I know, she never watched to switch sides. That usually does mean they are either Facebook stalking you or Facebook stalking someone you are friends with already, or they are friends with friends. I knowed that to be true.

    Not sure I ever want to knowed what Steve wanted to do in the bedroom though.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Steve never knew any of my friends, and according to Steve's profile, we have no mutual FB friends, so... it was stalking.

      And to maintain my childlike innocence, I'm just going to assume that little bedroom secret was eating cookies in bed and just leave it at that, forever.

      Delete
  8. Damn, I've had my fair share of dates odd dates, but they pale in comparison to your's. Kind of makes me wish I'd discovered the online dating scene so I'd have some stories to tell my grandchildren.

    "Wait, you mean people were born to a specific gender back in your day and had to undergo surgery to switch genders, Grampa Chiz? And here I thought people were always born gender-less until their 18th birthday where they get to choose to be a male or female."

    Aw shit, I think I just thought of the premise to a YA dystopian novel. Look out Hunger Games.... and Divergent... and Maze Runner...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Patent. That. Shit. Now.

      That reminds me of a great comic I saw recently, where a doctor had just delivered a baby, and he exclaims to the mom, "Congratulations, it's a they!"

      Delete
  9. B^B:
    And that's why I have never done the "online dating" thing...
    But, I have to also add that my wife of 19 years (and counting) was someone I met ONLINE (no dating services involved, thank you very much).

    That being said, you have definitely surpassed your quota of "weird" for the next DECADE. I surpassed mine decades ago...lol.
    In all my "lifetimes", I dated the usual way: meeting someone face-to-face.
    Sometimes, it clicked while other times, well (...crickets...).
    And, sad to say, if I knew THEN what I know NOW, things could have turned out a LOT differently.
    You always regret the "one that got away".
    Still, all things considered, when life tosses a curve-ball, you CAN always "lean into it", get hit and take a base. The bruise will go away eventually.

    And, I think Richard Matheson wrote some DAMN fine stuff (The Shrinking Man immediately comes to mind). How about Larry Niven, Philip K. Dick, and Clifford D. Simak?
    And who could forget Studs Terkel?

    Excellent post and GREAT cartoons as always.
    Stay safe out there, guys

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm just glad I don't have to date anymore. I refuse to do it ever again. I just plain refuse.

      And sure, Larry Niven, Philip K. Dick, and Clifford D. Simak were great sci-fi writers... but how about that Harry Potter guy?

      Delete
  10. That is truly bizarre, and a great story. I didn't expect that twist, so I'm sure you're still blown away. Thank goodness you didn't do the raccoon with her. And isn't it interesting how mocking a weirdo who happened to have a sex change makes one "homophobic"? I mock Bruce/Caitlyn because he was a weirdo and now she is. Have the money and balls or vag or transitory body parts should not make one immune to good blog fodder. Weirdos are weirdos. I do wonder how Allen's dating life is going these days...

    ReplyDelete
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    1. According to FB Steve is on a gay dating site and not having much luck (thus how I found out he identifies as a gay guy). Which made me wonder - what's the end game here? Steve has a va-jay-jay. Gay men, from what I hear, are pretty grossed out by va-jay-jays. So... how's that gonna work out for Steve, exactly?

      Delete
    2. Yeah, it's all very perplexing. (oops, I called Steve, Allen. I liked your idea of Allen better, so that sunk in.) I wonder the same about Caitlyn - who doesn't seem into men - and people I know who seemed confused. I wonder if it's more about sexual identity, while being asexual and not necessarily wanting sex. Weird!

      Delete
  11. You get the award today for plot twists. You should have connected this to the Love Lost and Found blog hop. You really can't make stuff like this up. Well maybe you two guys can but most of us couldn't.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Love was neither lost nor found in this instance, but I sure did lose some confidence. "My ex grows better facial hair than I ever could."

      Delete
  12. Wow.

    I had a friend in high school who is now a man, but everyone saw that coming. This is just....weird. Also it is a SIN, I would probably sell my soul for hair like that, and he cut it all off?!?!? Heresy!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't have the heart to tell my wife that a man once had more beautiful hair than she could ever have... and my wife is obsessed with hair perfection.

      Delete
  13. This is the most hilarious story. I think you can legitimately say you once dated Justin Bieber. OK, so he's only like 21 years old now so you may have gone statutory AND gay, but hey, not many people can make that claim to fame.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hey, it's not gay if it's Justin Bieber. He's more girly than most women I know.

      Delete
  14. Sometimes I get really close to signing up for Online Dating. Let's face it, my dating life SUCKS. And then I read one of your dating horror show stories, and I think to myself, "So I'm bored as hell. It could be worse."

    As for Ellen/Steve... I think she doesn't feel at home with herself, but doesn't actually know why. She clearly likes dudes, so she isn't gay (despite her wanting to be something that will make her feel more "normal," whatever that means). So, she's on a gay site and getting no action because she's a girl (in that she has girl parts). Shocking. She'd really get some action if she wanted a woman, but she doesn't. So, now she's set herself up for failure. Maybe she really wants to be alone and not worry about brushing all that hair. Which is fine. Really. I'm totally down with it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, online dating is worth it when you find the right one. Which I'm very thankful for. My wife has no desire to shed her beautiful feminine exterior for a beard and leg hair, which is more than okay with me.

      Delete
  15. I had a similar experience when a friend of mine came out as transgender. He was someone who had a full beard at 15, was tall, lanky, but in good shape. Then she tells me that, hey, she's always felt like a girl. Then she became the girliest girl ever.

    I think it's not as rare as you think. It's like straight people who are overly straight and then you find out that they were gay. I guess that, just like my friend, he wasn't ready to feel that way. They felt that being the girliest they could be; growing long hair and having kids, would reinforce to them that they were a woman. Evidently it didn't work. Because it never does.

    On a more silly note I love the little details in the comics. Like the pregnant duck and the weird half beast. And the way her hair changes and forms hands and stuff. The little things matter.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. So what you're saying is that Brandon's developed a pretty thick winter beard and wears clothes like a lumberjack so I should be considered that he's going to become a woman soon?

      Kidding aside, I'm glad people are noticing/appreciating the small details. It sure beats spending all the time to create this kind of post only to have a bunch of people say "LOL nice post!"

      Delete
  16. That stool though, that's what really got me. I'm not sure why but when I saw it in the next frame, I just bust out laughing.

    Wow. Just...wow. How many of us can really say we dated someone who transitioned? I'm gonna say not many. Also, I'm glad you provided the definition of Raccooning because I've regretted looking stuff up on the Internet before. Like Lemon party. Thanks Chris Hardwick. You know I'm gonna look even when instructed not to.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The jelly donut. The rusty trombone. The pirate.

      You're welcome.

      Delete
  17. Hilarious! I can see why you didn't recognize Steve. It made me think of the line in Steel Magnolias when Clairee said "all gay men have track lightin' and are named Marc, Rick or Steve".

    I am fairly sure that you dodged a bullet by not continuing a romance with her-then-him. No matter what gender a person identifies with, I can't think the word "weird" in describing their sexual proclivities is a good omen.

    As well read as I am, (People Magazine) I have read about some very confusing relationships.

    Your cartoons are a riot. The "playing dead" is inspired.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Bullet very much dodged. I can handle a lot of things from my wife - nagging, mood swings, forgetting to turn off the light when leaving a room - but I draw the line at beards and woolly, unkempt body hair.

      Delete
  18. I'm still wondering what the "something really weird" would have been. Probably best to not think about it. Ellen/Steve could have been a jockey and her/his sex wouldn't have mattered. Maybe I'm just a pre-operative lesbian in a man's body. I get so confused.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You should give it a shot. You would make a stunning, gorgeous, heroic woman... or so I've been told I should say that after the whole Caitlyn Jenner thing.

      Delete
  19. I was going to say something about never having good "bedhead" back when I had hair, but it just seems so irrelevant now.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And I thought my hair regimen was lazy...

      Do showers take half the time now, what with having to do significantly less shampooing?

      Delete
  20. well that makes for an interesting story :) Always a laugh when I stop by, thanks!!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Stay tuned for next week when we put an embargo on all laughter.

      Delete
  21. This is probably the best story I've read on any personal blog. That is absolutely fucking hilarious! I feel you on the judgement, but its worth sharing for those who can read it without finding a way of being victims. So I google +ed it. Sorry.
    I love the typical book reading girl comic. Also love you used Harry Potter not Twilight.

    - mindyourmadness.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Hey, thanks for the kind words and the sharing action! We always appreciate both.

      Also, you would not believe how many girls had only ever read Harry Potter and considered themselves voracious readers because of that. And besides that it's a great story and all, but they do realize it's for children, right?

      Delete
  22. Well, you never know how people will turn out. . .some people aren't comfortable in their own skin. However, people who say they are weird in the bedroom would give me the chills - shades of Grey, you know. I would slowly back up and get out of there. Something that would give me pause - what if their meaning of weird is much worse than mine? (btw, I just finished reading some true crime cases. . .so. . .)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And that's why I'm truly glad I never found out what that weird thing was. I could have ended up one of the true crime scenes you've been reading about. "The victim was found hanging upside down in women's lingerie with rat bites all over his body and a cattle branding sign seared deep into his left butt cheek."

      Delete
  23. Oh Man! . . . umm, woman! . . . umm, thing? Look I don't know which would be less offensive, but apart from coming out of this whole story thinking "I can't even", my take from this is: even the one girl at that point you found who actually liked to read the stuff you love, was "really" a guy. That was probably another sign . . .

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, it could have been worse. We never did anything physical, so no one can bust my balls and say I once kissed a guy. Or banged a broseph. I mean, imagine all of that high fiving afterwards. No thanks.

      Delete
  24. Hey, small world! I once knew a petite woman who was 4'10" and had long blonde hair down to her bum. But she didn't turn out to be transgendered, she turned out to be a lawyer.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ewww, gross, disgusting, freak of nature... a lawyer.

      Delete
  25. OK-You take the cake on this one! Actually a cake, 2 pop tarts and a whole bunch of cookies. Hey...if you did want to get...biblical with her...him...it, you may have found your own "Crying Game".

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm okay without knowing any of that. I think I'd need more than a cake, 2 pop tarts, and a whole bunch of cookies to wash away the awkwardness.

      Delete
  26. *You give her two black eyes and then knock her trash cans over on the way out, that's brilliant I'm using that!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It is my gift for you; share it with the world.

      Delete
  27. There was my big laugh for the day! Rawkyn Robyn will have to really stretch to beat THAT dating site post....

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well she's still actively dating so she's got plenty of opportunities to meet the male-to-female-to-male of her dreams.

      Delete
  28. Is that an appletini, easy on the tini? (Yes, that's a scrubs reference. Yes, I loved scrubs.)

    I'd like some long pretty disney princess hair! Not to confirm my femininity, but just because....perrrty.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh J.D., you lovable lightweight. No reference was needed, because trust me, I use that one on my wife constantly (in the J.D. voice) when I make a drink, and it never fails to make her giggle.

      Delete
  29. I think it's pretty obvious who is the reason why Ellen is now Steve. I'm pretty sure you know too.





    Thanks Obama.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. This, more than anything, is exactly why we need Trump to MAKE AMERICA GREAT AGAIN®.

      Delete
  30. lol That's pretty funny actually. I looked up a couple of guys I dated in my 20's, I'm now in my 40's so it was a long time ago. But they are both total the most back water hillbillies I've ever seen. Then there's another guy who I found Googling his name and his 12 or so mug shots popped up. He robbed a bank and it all went down hill from there. So don't feel so bad. lol

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Just think, had you stuck things out you could have been a real life Bonnie and Clyde, complete with fatal police shootout. Oh, to be young and reckless again...

      Delete
  31. I think there's a few people from my dating past that I.. wouldn't.. be all that shocked to find they wanted to be a man. I'm not sure what that says about my tastes.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Like a handsome woman, do you? No judgment here. It'd be nice to not be the only one capable of opening pickle jars for once.

      Delete
  32. Awww, it sounds like he's a little pocket guy now. Probably has a Napolean complex, too... or a Josephine complex.

    A guy my hubby and I went to school with became a girl. He'd married and had a couple of kids before he made the big switcheroo. Thing was, he was a reeeeeeally tall skinny dude with bad skin. Now he's a tall (and old) skinny gal with acne scars. One thing that didn't change? He was always a very talented musician, and had a very successful career, both as a man, and later, as a woman.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "I don't like to brag, but I'm kinda pocket sized" - no guy ever

      Also, I hope part of that gal's act is the classic "My Gal Bill." Fantastic song.

      Delete
  33. I am too sick, right now, to think of a good comment. They're all just formed things.
    No, seriously, I'm sick. Two years without being sick and this is my second time since 2016 started.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Maybe you just feel bad because your inner womyn is struggling to break out. Let her out, Andrew. Release her. Let her roar.

      Delete
  34. Ha! I'm sorry, but HA! That's awesome. Good for...Steve, is it?

    I couldn't possibly stand to have hair that long. Seriously, never. I would have chopped it off - Mulan style - LONG before reaching adulthood.

    Can I also just say how very impressed and disturbed I was by the half-duck, half-human child in the background? Because that was quite impressively disturbing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Frankly, I don't know anyone that would want hair that long. Imagine how long that takes to wash in the shower. How much shampoo you would go through. How long it would take to try. Or imagine using the bathroom and finding out only too late that your hair is swirling around in the toilet beneath you. Or, or... actually, stop imagining all of that. It's awful.

      Delete
  35. "For a dame" she was "one hell of a guy", eh?

    Man, 6-B, you've got the strangest damned dating stories I've ever encountered.

    Considering that she thought she was really, at heart, a homosexual man (WTH?! - And some people don't believe Jesus is returning soon?!), I'll bet the "sexually something really weird" she was into had to do with a strap-on.

    It's times like this when you just have to take comfort in the knowledge that you're (Link:->) "A CONFIDENT HETEROSEXUAL", and just let the memory go. LET IT GO, I SAY!!!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She was a hell of a guy, but at least I didn't give her no mouth to mouth restitution.

      Part of me thinks that weird something is strap-on related, and the other part tells me to imbibe a beer or six and just never wonder about such things again.

      Delete
  36. Seems to me a literate person any more is someone who can read all the subtitles on movies.

    Really? A woman becomes a man, proclaims "himself" gay, and sleeps with men. I think I read that wrong somewhere.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I was almost at the point that I would have settled for someone who could read a shopping list.

      And yes, I never in my wildest dreams thought penis on vagina action could ever be considered gay, but the Internet is teaching me more and more with each passing day.

      Delete
  37. All I want to know is what the "weird" stuff during sex was. Make your choices, Steve, I don't care. I'm just endlessly curious about what people consider "weird" during sex nowadays. I mean, a foot fetish is barely a fetish anymore. If it was being a furry, that would have been worth the story.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, right? That's really gonna bug me. Nowadays even things like bondage aren't considered all THAT weird. If you stop in the middle of a dinner conversation, stare into my eyes with utmost intensity, and warn me that you're into something weird, then well, that something is bound to be VERY weird. Like a horse, a midget, and an unsuspecting pizza guy kind of weird.

      Delete
  38. My niece was thinking about becoming a guy at one time. Was in counseling and doing the boob squish thing. But, she seems to have given that up. Still is bisexual or pansexual or whatever she is calling it these days.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's sad when people use that kind of thing as a cry for attention, cry for help, etc. Also, there's clearly a difference between bisexual and pansexual. Bisexual means you'll sleep with both males and females, while pansexual means you'll sleep with all 381 genders. They're adding new genders each week, you know. Could be 382 by the end of day, since scientists found an indigenous gender known to only inhabit the African rain forest.

      Delete
  39. This is plain scary. I do not wish to have an experience like this. Your posts should come with warning labels :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You don't want to date a man that becomes a woman or you don't want to be a woman that becomes a man? Or both? You might make a dapper gent. Don't rule it out.

      Delete
  40. Wow. That had to be quite a shocker. I hope Steve is happy, now!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Steve seems pretty happy now, so more power to him.

      Delete
  41. Good for Steve! That's soooo not where I thought this story was going though.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Trust me, I never thought it would go there either. Or that Steve would have better facial hair than I do (jelly).

      Delete
  42. See this is the insidious thing about Facebook. Just think you could have gone your whole life without ever knowing about Steve.

    I dated a few dooseys in my past and would prefer to have absolutely no idea what or who they are doing today.

    My best dating story (why am I telling you this; I dunno) is with a guy I met on a bus (yeah, public transportation). He seemed nice enough and fairly average. I went out with him once and everything was fine. I was prepared to accept a second date when he told me he was in Seminary. Yeah, you read that right. He was studying to be a Catholic priest. Needless to say I was a little freaked out by this info. He, of course, assured me it was alright. He wasn't a priest yet and that they were encouraged to 'sew a few wild oats' before they took their final vows, just to be sure.

    My reply: ARE YOU KIDDING ME? I don't think I really want to be anybody's 'wild oats', let alone some priest to be. YIKES! Needless to say I totally rethought that second date.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, on the plus side, at least he wasn't one of those pedophile priests? Unless this tale takes place when you were 12 years old...

      And yes, I'm more than okay without seeing ANYONE I've dated ever pop up on my Facebook feed ever again. Some guys want to stalk their exes and make sure they're fat/unhappy. I just could not care less about any of that.

      Delete
  43. You should try dating a man sometime. Maybe he'd transition to a woman. Not a bad way to pick up chicks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then I can transition to a woman too because who doesn't love some hot girl on girl action?

      Delete
  44. I guess Facebook does have some advantages. IMHO, when I see women with long hair like that, I want to cut it off. It looks like a horse tail, especially when they put it in a ponytail, hence the name.

    I've had some bad, bad, bad dates, but yours trumped mine. Better you than me. :D

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We also apparently have something in common in that we both have dated dudes.

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  45. Maybe Steve should get together with one of my ex'es. I found out afterwards that he liked men too. I would say Steve can ride him like a stick pony, but let's just not go there.

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    1. We're all just better off not picturing Steve riding - or getting ridden by - anyone or anything.

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  46. Hah.. did NOT expect that! A friend of a friend of mine transitioned a few years ago and it took them forever to get used to called her a him. I've never met him, but good for him. I appreciate when people realize there's something wrong and embrace whatever the heck it is that makes them happy (certain things excluded: I.E. involving kids, animals, murder or any combination therein).

    I'm really curious now what weird stuff he wanted to do in bed, haha

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    1. I'm curious too, and admittedly, it's gonna bug me, but I'm not curious enough to actually reach out and say, "Hey Steve! Long time no talk. So hey, remember that one time you said..."

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  47. WHOA! No seriously. That's just like... the hugest plot twist I read in a blog post ever. No really.

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    1. Thanks! We like to keep our readers on their toes by reminding them that truth will ALWAYS be stranger than fiction.

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  48. When I was in college, a guy i went to school with called to let me know he was becoming a female. He told me he was already living and dressing as a woman, and assured me he was stunning. He said his ultimate goal was to return to our high school and get with all the guys who had hated on him. Hopefully I convinced him that was a really good way to get himself harmed- either physically or in the least, emotionally. I hear through the grapevine that he did have the change, but he's never come back to a reunion...that I know of.

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    1. "Remember that dorky guy we all made fun of in high school? Well he's a hot chick now, and I'm TOTALLY banging her."

      -no one ever

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  49. I was laughing out loud while reading this in bed! Yes, I'm old. I love how Ellen's hair turned into a scarf, then a cape, and suddenly took over her whole body! I also enjoyed Steve's FB photo complete with an enticingly manly armpit! I always learn things when I visit too - like what giving someone a Raccoon is. A lot of guys probably would've let curiosity get in the way, but you were smart enough to walk away at the right time, Bryan. This definitely needs to be filed under "The Best of A Beer For The Shower Collection."

    Julie

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    1. We're here not just to make you laugh, but to teach you things, too. Things you probably wished you didn't know, but that you learned nonetheless. And this will definitely not be filed under the Best Of section in my life, but I'm glad at least it can make the Best Of in our blog!

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  50. Raccoon! My day has been made. Say no more

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    1. I take a certain pride in introducing people to new backalley terms. You're welcome!

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  51. So you dated rapunzel? Did her Mommy know? (wink wink) Whatever you do, stay away from lawyers. I almost slept (slept yeah right) wih one. They're obsessed with procedures if you know what I mean. But a woman lawyer still beats a man... YIKES!

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    1. "A woman lawyer still beats a man." There are so many contexts to that sentence... And all are apt.

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  52. Bizarre is as bizarre does. I kneel before thou's altar of bizarreness and ask, "How can I be like you?"

    Father Nature's Corner

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    1. I wouldn't recommend anyone be me. I wouldn't even recommend I be me, but well, I kinda got roped into it. Someone's gotta do it, right?

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  53. Ha, that's a riot. You have a good attitude about it though. I'd be worrying that I'd been the cause of another becoming the opposite sex..lol

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    1. I never thought of it that way. That's sure something to brag about. "You once made a woman gay? Oh yeah? Well I once made a woman turn into a man. Top that."

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