Monday, February 15, 2016

How to Comment on the Internet Without Looking Like a Complete Dumbass

If there's one thing we know about people, it's that they'll fight about and over anything. Literally anything, as evidenced by the fact that we have such wonderfully inspiring tales of humanity as 'men kill couple for Facebook defriending' or 'man kills own mother for not buying Avril Lavigne tickets' or 'girl kills other girl over farts' (we didn't want you ladies feeling excluded).

People will fight over anything, any time, anywhere. Even on the Internet. Make that especially on the Internet.

Let us put this in perspective for you. The other day Bryan was on Facebook and saw a poll in which it was asked what was better, waffles or pancakes. And people were actually FIGHTING in the comments section. Like, viciously ripping each other to shreds over anything and everything.

...Over a question about fucking BREAKFAST FOODS.


So since the Internet is clearly in need of a severe etiquette lesson, today we're going to walk you through the dos and don'ts of Internet commenting and replying.

Ready?

Scenario #1: Someone said something you disagree with on the Internet.
Don't: Respond.
Do: Shut the fuck up.

Remember: not everyone has to agree with you, no matter how crazy their beliefs and opinions are compared to yours. But more importantly, nothing you say will make someone on the Internet suddenly agree with you, so why bother wasting an entire day trading verbal blows? Do you honestly think this ever happens?


No, not in the real world. So stop wasting your time and just shut up.

Scenario #2: Someone said something derogatory or offensive on the Internet.
Don't: Engage them.
Do: Shut the fuck up.

We know how it goes - you see someone saying something particularly nasty or messed up and you want to be the savior of the Internet, dashing in on your white steed to slay the evil troll... but unfortunately that's not the way it works. Most trolls don't really care what you have to say (and if anything, enjoy drawing out your anger), and at the end of a day-long comment battle all you've managed to gain is a few more points of blood pressure. Just let it go. The best way to defeat a troll is to ignore them completely.

Scenario #3: Someone is complaining about something on the Internet, when there are much, much worse problems going on in the world.


Don't: Say anything.
Instead: Shut the fuck up.

Yeah, there are a lot of terrible things in this world, but people are still allowed to complain. Let them. They have every right to do so. This also goes along with someone pointing out a cool or interesting luxury item, and someone else then feeling the need to complain about poverty/homelessness/world hunger and scorning people for spending $300 on a hoverboard that doesn't even hover when they could donate it to starving, thirsty infants in third world countries or whatever.

News flash: no one cares. No, not about the dying children, about the whining. If you want to change the world and fight poverty, go volunteer at a soup kitchen and make a difference. Otherwise? Leave it the hell alone. Whining achieves nothing. Besides, we all splurge and buy ourselves something special from time to time, because life would be boring if we never treated ourselves to anything. So please, just shut the fuck up.

Scenario #4: Someone said something that was incorrect on the Internet.

Don't: Correct them.
Do: Shut the fuck up.


That doesn't matter. People that argue on the Internet don't want things like facts or logic. How else do you explain people in the year 2016 still thinking vaccines give you autism or that the earth is flat or that shape shifting lizard-people live among us?


The 87 paragraph-long comments that you strung together over the span of 2 and a half days say otherwise. We promise you, this never looks cool. Ever.

The only thing that arguing with someone on the Internet proves is that you have way too much time on your hands. So please, don't waste hours upon hours of your precious life squabbling with some incompetent dumbass who's not even gonna change their mind anyway. Stop whining to random strangers. Don't pick long-winded fights over disagreements of opinion, especially now that election season is upon us.

Please, just shut the fuck up.

And in case anyone's wondering, the correct answer to the poll question above is waffles. Anyone with half a brain knows that (kidding... maybe).

Cheers and stay silent, friends,
-Bryan (Brandon is moving and took the week off)

Music: Simon & Garfunkel
Beer: Breckenridge Agave Wheat

128 comments:

  1. Taking your sage advice, I'm just going to shut the fuck up now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Classic left wing conservative marxist logic at its finest. You wanna fight about it, tough guy?

      Delete
  2. Oh how grand a place would be if everyone just shut the fuck up. Not just on the internet, oh no. In real life, too! The silence would be like music to my ears. ...yeah.
    It's always fun though, whenever I come across raging "debates" I imagine both parties are acting like children on purpose, ironically, or for literally any form of joke-making. Surprisingly hilarious.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, that's true. The Wal-mart parking lot would be so much more quiet without screaming idiots almost coming to blows.

      Oh, so it's all just an ironic joke? It's probably like all of those diehard Trump supporters. They're just supporting him because they think it's a funny joke. A real... funny... joke.

      Delete
  3. I have way too much time on my hands, so....

    ReplyDelete
  4. Shut the fuck up is always good advice, but pancakes or waffles is too important to ignore. I like the texture of pancakes better, but there is no doubt that waffles hold the butter, syrup, and toppings better. And screw Brandon for taking a week off. How insensitive!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Waffles are a divine gift to breakfast foods for the simple fact that they have built in condiment holders. That's just plain efficient.

      And by "moving" Brandon means he's "going to federal prison" so expect a lot of "weeks off."

      Delete
  5. Did you write this to me personally? I like to think so, but I just published like 12 hours ago and I know that these drawings must have taken months to perfect. My wife salutes you.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, well things are completely different in an online game. In that case the gloves are off. Games are serious business!

      Delete
  6. The number of times per day I type half a response into a box only to delete it, easily numbers into the threes. It is always the right choice. Unless I can have a conversation, in person, I try to shut he hell up. Unless its here, then I just spew whatever I want

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've been there. Every time I start to type out a comment like that I just ask myself "Do you really want to devote that much time to something that's only going to anger you for no reason?" Then I close the page and go have a beer or three. That's a much healthier vice.

      Delete
  7. Brilliant! Thanks for the refreshing, welcome words! I prefer pancakes myself; but that's relative. I love them both ~ with butter and maple syrup!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I may not agree with your choice in pancakes but I will defend to the death your right to have that preference.

      Delete
    2. Mmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmm....................pancakes.

      Delete
  8. George Carlin said: "Never argue with an idiot. They will only drag you down to their level and beat you with experience."

    Mark Twain said: "Never argue with stupid people. Onlookers may not be able to tell the difference."

    Such wisdom. It is NEVER worth engaging with anyone on the Internet. They have an open, anonymous forum from which to spout hatred and foul epithets, and they WILL use it.

    PS: Waffles 4 evah!!! All you pancake-loving haters can go die!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "The problem with internet quotes is that you can't always depend on their accuracy." - Abraham Lincoln, 1864

      Anonymity definitely gives stupid people an unnecessary confidence boost. I mean, I highly doubt they'd say half the things they do if they had to do so while looking someone directly in the eyes.

      ...Speaking of which, I WISH one of those pancake-lovers was here right now. I'd punch their face into a damn pancake.

      Delete
    2. Except toaster waffles. Toaster waffles are for sucks.

      Delete
    3. Agreed. Toaster waffles are pretty horrible.

      Delete
    4. And Bryan, if you ever do get your hands on one of those pancake-loving weenies, give them a free concussion, compliments of me!

      Delete
    5. "The problem with internet quotes is that you can't always depend on their accuracy."
      - Abraham Lincoln, 1864

      GENIUS!

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
    6. Abe was wise...but isn't everything on the internet true?

      Delete
  9. The internet has released the beasts and the lunatics!

    ReplyDelete
  10. People like you are what is wrong with this country!

    When no one stands up for facts and truth, then lies get spread unchecked.

    Why do you want everyone to believe lies? Huh?

    It is my responsibility - and YOURS! - to stop people from believing the wrong thing. All if takes is seven or eight paragraphs about theology or taxes posted as a comment to an article about the Grammys and things will get better.

    People just need to be told they're wrong.

    I'll interpret your silence as an admission that you were wrong and I was right.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay okay okay, fine, I'll vote for whatever party you endorse and I acknowledge that the earth might possibly have some curvature to it. But I'm not vaccinating my autistic children. That's where I draw the line.

      Delete
    2. Did you hear that BERNIE SANDERS has said that if he's elected president he will see to it that for the duration of his stay in the White House there will be free beer for all Americans? (I think he said that those folks who sneaked into this country illegally will get free beer, too.)

      This is OUTRAGEOUS! Who the f--k is going to pay for all that beer?!

      This is a question we will DEFINITELY need to revisit once Bernie's term in the White House has ended.

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
    3. I bet if anything he serves at least 4 terms, since the country will be so blissfully drunk it'll feel like much less.

      "Dude, isn't this his fourth term?"
      "Nah, man, it's like his second."
      "You said that LAST time."
      "Yeah, but like, I'm SURE this time." - Congressional officials

      Delete
  11. Waffles OR Pancakes? Why not both? I'm all about bringing people together.
    And breakfast foods.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That either sounds like bliss or sacrilege. Or blissful sacrilege.

      Delete
  12. In all seriousness (yeah, no kidding), you are 100% absolutely correct.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have prepared a 3,000 word dissertation on why it's scientifically improbable to be 100% correct and am hoping you too have set aside the afternoon to be verbally browbeaten by an intellectual gargantuan.

      Delete
  13. I could be wrong....but I'm not. lol Pancakes for the win!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope you know that pancakes are why this country has the lowest literacy rate of any country in the entire WORLD.

      Delete
  14. After telling one blowhard he was an asshole, I have learned to shut the fuck up, which is very difficult for me. Although I still do enjoy reading the comments on the internet because they can be quite entertaining.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Internet commenting is much more fun as a spectator. I like to picture both parties puffing up, sweating profusely, and turning purple, and imagining which one falls over and dies of a massive coronary first (that's how you declare the winner).

      Delete
    2. Wait. That wasn't me, was it? I'm fairly certain I would have remembered. Then again, I've gotten older and have trouble remembering things. What were we talking about?

      Delete
    3. Who are you? Why are there words on my webpage? I specifically remember putting pictures here, but no words. I am alone and afraid.

      Delete
  15. News story by the local news channels on FB have the worst people. These people are mentally disturbed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, right? It can even be a local fluff piece like "Local dog shelter serves free ice cream to start adoption awareness!" and then invariably some jackass starts a chain of hatred with something like, "Yeah, dumb libs ALWAYS want something for FREE" or "If only the GOP was as concerned with dogs as they are with UNBORN BABIES and taking women's bodies HOSTAGE."

      Delete
  16. B&B:
    I am so glad that someone (specifically YOU two) have finally addressed this growing problem (nah, more like a damn plague of virtual zombies).
    Well said.
    I just won't engage the chronically-trolled among us.
    They can't debate properly, so they attack the "messenger".
    It's too much like shooting an unarmed person anyway, so where's the sport (and challenge) in that?
    The cartoons are spot on (as usual). ROFL!
    And as far as "social(ist) media" is concerned, I'm quite content to keep it at the BLOG level and not gravitate (or is that devolve?) to FB, twitter, and the like.
    Funny thing, the virtual world is but a very clear (and darkly-tinted) mirror of our ACTUAL world.
    And we (as Americans caught neck-deep a global society) have been working on this for decades.
    Well, you pretty much get what you deserve, don'cha?
    Thing is, many of us NEVER asked for this at all.
    We were much happier in our civility and ethical behaviors...and more importantly, we were a more POLITE society.
    (If you can't say something nice, don't say anything at all...remember that one?)
    Or(as you put it)...shut the f$ck up...LOL.
    Excellent post.

    Stay safe, warm & always classy out there, you mile-high guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, all of that hostility is definitely reflected in the real world. I bet at this point in my life I've gotten more middle fingers than I have waves... and that's keeping in mind I'm a pretty calm, laid back guy who's never intentionally provoked anyone.

      Delete
  17. Well...sure ...."Shut the fuck up" is the wise way to go BUT I would miss reading all the dumbass comments that I find totally entertaining. Bring on the idiotic responses!!! Where else can a person feel superior while arguing about such important issues as the best breakfast food.

    With that being said...I think I feel discrimination in play. Why isn't French toast represented? Have you got something against the French??

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The French were going to take place in the poll but then they surrendered and retreated.

      Delete
  18. You do realize you've just published a post that inspires zero comments. We're all just shutting the fuck up. Now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, we mostly just said not to reply to comments. So you're fine, but technically we're the rule breakers here.

      Delete
  19. In the spirit of the season, I would like to say that at times I like waffles and other times it is pancakes. But any idiot knows in America you should be having eggs and bacon for breakfast. Geez. And I know people are starving but I went to the dentist this morning and my mouth hurts so I can't eat my pancakes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Bacon and eggs are the EXACT reason why America is obese and you should be ashamed of yourself for condoning the obese lifestyle. And on an unrelated note, since you can't eat those pancakes, I'll take them off your hands. I mean, I'M not obese, so it's fine when I do it.

      Delete
  20. When you see people saying the earth is flat or earth is hollow and really believing it, if you argue with them, you need just as much help as they do. I've had trolls come at me, haters, and seen plenty of internet crap, I may make fun of a few, but I've generally adopted a different rule. One of, I don't give a fuck. It make me shut the fuck up and not want to think about their crap too, win win.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Amen to that. For even the worst trolls, Dr. Bryan always prescribes 100 milligrams of Don't Give a Fuck™.

      Delete
  21. I have to admit, I have made the mistake of defending my opinion on the internet. It was a quick lesson in stupidity- my own and others.

    I'll tale pancakes or waffles, just don't ask me to make them you sexist bastards.
    (I just couldn't resist!!)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How are you even managing to comment right now? Does your kitchen have wi-fi? Or did your husband give you permission to use his computer after you properly fed him?

      Delete
  22. You can't educate all the illiterate, so STFU is good advice. I happened to experience a bit of that nastiness when I mentioned some unmentionable ideas about something that is 'guaranteed' in the American Bill of Rights. And my vote is for Waffles. Belgian.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, definitely Belgian. Any other waffle is just a lame impostor, and that's a guarantee worthy of the Bill of Rights.

      Delete
  23. This needs to be the homepage for every single internet browser in existence. And you should not be allowed to proceed to anything else on the internet until you prove that you have read the entire thing.

    You know the Staples easy button? At work we have made a Shut the F*ck Up Button.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet if you sold big red Shut the Fuck Up Buttons you'd be a bazillionaire. Hell, I'd buy 20 right now and hand those bitches out like candy.

      Delete
  24. Yeah, i don't usually comment. I just silently hate-judge them and sometimes tell my cat about how they're an asshole. (I'm actually a big fan of the "hide posts from this person" option. I can't take trumpers seriously.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Between my use of the "hide posts from this person" button and the unfriend button this election season I'm surprised my Facebook friends list isn't in the single digits and my feed just 2 posts from my aunt sharing cat pictures (who in their right mind would hide those? WHO?).

      Delete
  25. Ooh! Simon and Garfunkel! You just went up another notch on my class meter.

    Where's Brandon moving to? Across town or out of town? And why aren't you helping him? And why didn't anyone ask me to help? Not that I could have but still...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, we've always had a thing for classy duos. Not being one, ourselves.

      Brandon's moving to China to realize his dream of assembling iPhones. Or maybe he's just moving a few miles away from where he is now. I can't remember which. And he's hiring movers, so I'm only going to help with the stuff I can't break. Which is NOT a lot.

      Delete
  26. As I don't eat waffles or pancakes. I cannot partake in the argument. You are so right guys, luckily I have never, yet, got involved in arguments like that. I have occasionally been told people didn't like a post on Facebook. So, it's still a "fairly" free country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You can't not take sides. What is this, Switzerland? That's not how arguments work! And if it's any consolation, most Facebook posts are unlikable. Like my niece that keeps posting pictures of her ugly baby. Lady, just stop. Please.

      Delete
  27. Spot on advice, dudes!

    Some FB posts seem to be written with the sole intention of starting a big knock-down, drag-out fight. (Or as knock-down, drag-out as it can get in an online forum.) The primary idjit will write something outrageous and obviously untrue, and see how many other idjits will bite. Tell ya what, the bait has been mighty tempting at times, but so far, I've managed to just shake my head and stay out of the fray. Then again, they've never tried baiting me with blueberry pancakes or waffles.

    Like that moral from an old fable: "The empty barrel makes the most noise." (Man, Trump must reeeeeally be empty...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I unfollow/unfriend anyone that posts those instigating links, especially those ones like, "This man just proved that anyone who believes in (insert political/religious belief here) is a COMPLETE MORON WHO SHOULDN'T BREED AND SHOULD KILL THEMSELVES WITH A RUSTY SPOON."

      Yeah, that totally sounds like an informative, well researched, unbiased article. And frankly, I don't care if I even agree with what the article is saying. It's still bullshit to present it like that. Unfriended! Now then, back to hilarious cat videos (the reason the Internet was invented)...

      Delete
  28. ..........................

    (See? I follow directions and shut the fuck up!)

    (Parenthesis doesn't count. Everybody knows that. I think.)
    (But umm, clearly the earth IS flat, as supported by the fact that the shape-shifting lizard people need it to be so AFTER turning from the vaccines that caused autism-lizardness? Pfff . . . I just told YOU.)
    (Also, this is now awkward 'cause that chick is going to now want ME to put a baby up inside her . . . and well, I can't. Maybe if I got re-vaccianted and became a lizard chick? hmmm . . . ) (Also, Also, loved this post. I'm with you guys 100% on this commenting business. And sorry for all the words, I'm feeling quite "typy" today lol)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, congratulations, you not only beat us at our own game but you put us to shame with your non-comment comment, thereby officially making you the coolest person on the entire Internet. Your crown is in the mail, and you'll be contacted shortly to receive your $1.5 billion Nigerian dollars. Look for an e-mail from Prince Nfuku, and don't be surprised if he needs a few thou from you upfront to get the ball rolling (just simple transfer fees, you know how it goes).

      Delete
  29. So much relevance and greatness here! Thank you, and you did it all solo. I'm even more impressed than usual.

    Too often, I need to remember to just shut the fuck up.

    That big wrestling idiot made me laugh most. Now, I imagine he's saying "Bryan hot. He wanna smash?"

    Have a great week.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't know if I'd call him a wrestler per se but he's definitely "wrestling" with something in that picture.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, I didn't know what to call him. Ugly mofo?

      Delete
  30. So I'll get hot women if I win arguments on the internet? That's the upshot, right? I just woke up.

    I didn't click on the blue links. I think I'll save those for a rainy day when I don't need my faith in humanity anymore.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Actually that's how I met my wife. Verbally destroyed some goober on a local news site who was arguing that Coke is better than Pepsi (what a fucking brain dead retard right?) and my wife's been in love with me ever since.

      Also, as an upside, the blue link about the girl killing the other one over farting is kinda funny... up until she beats her to death with her bare hands and all.

      Delete
  31. I think it is racist to talk about waffles vs pancakes since they both look pale and that is not right. It is all about breakfast foods all white. Oh..I better shut the fuck up

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. #AllBreakfastFoodsMatter

      Why does flour gotta be white, anyway? Why is brown flour seen as being flawed? Wheat flour is people, too!

      Delete
    2. I only eat whole wheat and I mean nothing sexual in that remark

      Delete
    3. I fuckin crave whole wheat flour and I mean everything sexual in that remark.

      Delete
  32. Does a side order of bacon come with the pancakes or the waffles? Yes, it helps me to decide. (Smile).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We just assumed bacon as a side was a given for either choice. I mean, what is this, communist Russia?

      Delete
  33. Shutting the fuck up is always the best choice when disagreements virtually pop up. If you wouldn't say it in person, don't type it. If it were a poll at some local store nobody would be standing arguing pancakes vs waffles. I do like waffles more. Haha.

    - Harlynn
    mindyourmadness.blogspot.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now are you saying you like waffles more because you truly do or because you feel bullied and pressured by our tough Internet personas? This may come as a huge shocker, but we are not nearly as tough as our Internet personas would have you believe.

      Delete
  34. You realize that your advice goes against the entire Martin genetic code. If I tried to comply, my head would likely roll off and settle under the couch.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "I come from a proud family, son. We Martins have been yelling at strangers online for 6 generations now... and I'll be DAMNED if we're gonna give that up NOW, you inbred, backwards, fatheaded hippo."

      -message sent online

      Delete
  35. Now if only people would listen to you! And there are lizards living among us. *whispers* You know, the Illuminati. Before I go and put on my tinfoil hat, I vote for pancakes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is EXACTLY something a Bilderberg New World Order lizardperson would say and don't think you've fooled me for one second with your obscure choice in breakfast foods.

      Delete
  36. Oh man I kind of feel like 80% of this was about me. And that kind of stuff won't help make girls want me to put a baby up in them? What about granny? Is she at least a little turned on?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It is to my understanding that granny is moist.

      Delete
  37. OK, but what if, say, somebody on the Internet says that the only reason White people dislike Cam Newton is because they're racists? Surely, you wouldn't expect me to just let THAT go, right? So what should I do in a case like that?

    ...Hello?

    ...Uh ...Hullo?


    "Right wing libtard Fascist Socialist logic".
    HA! I like that! But you left out "Muslim Mormon Maroonism". Well, I still give you an "A".

    I love the comment section arguments where someone will say to someone else "Your a friggin' idiot!" I couldn't count how many times I've seen a person denigrate another's intelligence with a comment that's loaded with grammatical, punctuation, and spelling errors. HILARIOUS!

    One time a guy was giving me the business, so I took his comments and re-posted them showing all the corrected errors in BOLD. (Like, about 101 corrections.)

    Maybe I should have just "shut the fuck up", but the guy actually saw how deplorable his English was and actually... "shut the fuck up" HIMSELF!

    >>... what was better, waffles or pancakes.

    I would have to say waffles, although I'm not a big fan of either. Can't even remember the last time I had a waffle or a pancake.

    If the Internet subject is "Best Breakfast Cereal", however, I will fight to the bitter end and use every profane word I know to support CAP'N CRUNCH. (But not with Gooseberries, Huckleberries, Dingleberries or any other artificial thing added. It's got to be just plain ol' regular CAP'N CRUNCH, the way Ted Cruz's god created it!)

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. >> OK, but what if, say, somebody on the Internet says that the only reason White people dislike Cam Newton is because they're racists?

      Well, they'd be right, because white people are inherently racist, and your a friggin' Muslim Mormon Maroon if you didn't know that!

      So you don't eat meat AND you don't eat waffles OR pancakes? What do you eat, boy? Man cannot sustain himself on beer and Cap'N Crunch alone (though it'd be the funnest malnutrition you ever experienced).

      Delete
    2. >>... "Man cannot sustain himself on beer and Cap'N Crunch alone"

      Well, I been doin' it for 31 years. I guss that makes your an idiot than huh!!!!!!!!

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  38. Hahahaha hi guys :')
    #Teamwaffles
    Ok i'll shut up

    ReplyDelete
  39. I've long been immune to such fluff, but I do have my limits. Can't tell you how many times I've unliked a page or unfriended someone, simply because they couldn't open their brain one millimeter to allow access to a different point of view (George Takei's page is notorious for ganging up on people who do not, repeat, do not agree unequivocally that one, gay marriage is good; two, gay rights trump all others; and three there is no such thing as a conscientious objector with it comes to points one and two).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just unfollowed George Takei because his page is nothing but recycled memes that I've already seen or him begging for money via his own products/projects or hawking others'. Buy my new book to help me out! It's all about how you can become rich and famous on social media like me! (Secret: recycle popular memes) And just when you think "Uncle George" has enough of his fans' money BAM he posts a Kickstarter. Hey, kids, those recycled memes don't pay to find themselves.

      Delete
  40. This is soooo true!! I learned this on Instagram when I made a comment on someone's post. It was a religious thing that I didn't agree with....I most definitly should have shut the fuck up and I didn't even say anything bad it was just something to the effect of "I disagree with this...and then a simple explanation" The bitch got soooo defensive, sent me a nasty ass message and then blocked me! So I learned my lesson after that...people get so defensive on the internet and I never understood why...I really enjoyed this post...it was right on point!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it just amazes me that when someone posts something and you politely disagree with it that it becomes personal, like you just told an artist his newest painting was a complete piece of shit. People don't want to post something political/religious and start a dialogue. They just want people to pat them on the back and say yeah, right on! You're so smart and informed!

      Delete
  41. I have a few family members on Facebook that get into 102-comment-long political arguments daily. It usually devolves to something along the lines of, "Wow, you're so angry right now, lol," and "I'm clearly not the angry one, lol." That goes on for about 40 comments before the "debate" suffocates and dies. I can just imagine them sitting in front of their computer screen, elbows on the desk, cigarette ash on the keyboard. They're hair is beginning to thin from constantly tugging at it out of frustration. "Honey, it's bed time. You have work in the morning." "Not now, Barbara! That socialist idiot Jim is spewing his Nazi rhetoric on Facebook, again!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, they keep saying they're laughing out loud, but I don't know if I believe them.

      And sleep? Who can possibly sleep when SOMEONE IS WRONG ON THE INTERNET?

      Delete
  42. BOOO! Pancakes :P

    You are absolutely right about not arguing with people on the internet, but my personality is drawn to conflict. When I see someone bullied or something not right, I can't help to "not shut the fuck up", which is why I stay off social media. My Twitter account only knows me as the link girl, and I left Facebook last April. I'll converse on Google+, LinkedIn, and Goodreads groups about writerly things, but I stopped with the craziness of the internet. I can't take stupid without being stupid, so the best thing to do is step away and eat some potato chips. :D

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    1. You've got some pretty smart ideas... for one of those crazy "pancake people." And it's true, even stuffing yourself full of potato chips is better for your health than arguing on the Internet.

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  43. Yes. If you don't have anything good to say, don't say anything at all.

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    1. That saying's been around for how many years now and people still don't follow it?

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  44. But I...If I comment now, aren't I breaking the cardinal rule of shutting the fuck up? Oh, god, I'm so conflicted, yet here I am airing that confusion in an internet comment. Why can't I stop my fingers!?! Curse you, inadvertent hubris that commands me to comment unnecessarily even on a post that commands me not to comment!

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    1. The main message wasn't to not comment, just to not reply to comments in a way that starts an argument. But you made wonderful use of the word hubris, and I admire your hubris in the USE of hubris.

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  45. You can comment on the internet without looking like a dumbass? I don't believe you. The short and simple answer is to not respond. There is one thing the entire internet agrees on; don't feed the trolls. But what does everyone do? They respond to people and insist on arguing with them over some stupid inane bullshit.

    Though I do love a good sarcastic spat when they come along and I enjoy riling people up so I guess I am part of the problem.

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    1. What I'm getting here is that trolling is only fun if you're the troller, not the trollee... and I definitely agree. So in a way, today's lesson is ultimately this - don't be the one who gets trolled. Be the troll. BE THE TROLL.

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  46. I have three guidelines for dealing with the internet. Number one is I NEVER read the comments of articles or sensitive subject topics, like which is better Waffles or Pancakes. I know I am just going to be disappointed in humanity. The second is if something is so seriously wrong in what they post. I comment with a link to the snopes site disproving it. I don't say anything or engage the stupid, I just post the link. Third, when my family comments to a post with How's your dad, or have you seen your dad lately. I respond with fine or yes. I don't elaborate. I know they are trying to start a conversation about what a shitty daughter I am because I don't care for him. One day I may block them, but in the mean time I shut it down quickly.

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    1. If misinformation on the Internet was a sinking oceanliner, Snopes would be the guy with a bucket trying to scoop out water a pailful at a time. God bless 'em for trying, but for every stupid thing they correct, there's still going to be 10,000 idiots simultaneously posting "Mark Zuckerberg said he'd give away $1 billion to the first 100 people that post this so repost this on your wall NOW!"

      And Facebook fighting started by your own family? What a time to be alive. It's like Jerry Springer for the digital age. I can start shit with my deadbeat cousin and I don't even have to leave the house.

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  47. I really think it's a maturity thing because I used to argue. SO much, like heated shaking angry at dumb stuff... but older now and eh. Don't typically feel the urge to argue. My husband claims he argues (about religion) not for the person he's arguing with - who will never change their opinion - but the observes who might be on the fence. I think he just needs to join a debate club or something to get all that shit out instead of wasting his breath arguing on Imgur.

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    1. Well, his reasoning sounds more logical than those who think they're going to change their opponents' mind, or those who simply want to 'win', but yeah, I don't know if Imgur is really the place to reach out to someone who's on the fence about religion.

      "I was browsing Imgur one day, and these two people were arguing about religion on a meme, but one of those guys really spoke to me, man. He opened my eyes and now I've found all of the answers to where we've come from, why we're here, and what happens when we die. He changed my life." - no one, ever

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    2. Yeah, it's logical to a point. Definitely not on Imgur. I mean, if you wanna talk cats it's on point there, or the latest meme of whatever the heck, but religion? Naw. He just likes wasting his time haha

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  48. If only you could teach these morons!

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    1. I bet I could if I started a really big Internet argument with them...

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  49. A friend of mine sent us a link to a Facebook war that one of her friends had. She'd done the whole "Let me school you on feminism" thing and written an essay on why the genders are currently unequal and that it's uneducated to believe otherwise. My friend was very proud of her. I made a mental note to try to avoid meeting her. I'm sure she was spot on, but education is hard to swallow in rant form.

    Actually, I like the sound of that last sentence. I might Tweet it...

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    1. Make sure you put it over a picture of a sunset, though. No inspirational quote is complete without it.

      (Really, though, that is a great quote)

      I know exactly how that goes. We have a mutual friend who uses her Facebook exclusively to make political rants, and we both unfollowed her about a week after friending her. Here's the funny thing, though. We both agree with what she says, but we still unfollowed her because her posts are just plain mean. No one's going to listen to you if your information is preceded by, "So let me school you and show you why you're a braindead MORON if you think (insert belief here)." I don't need that kind of negativity in my life.

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    2. [im]http://vignette1.wikia.nocookie.net/starpolar/images/6/6b/Notime.jpg/revision/latest?cb=20150225125846[/im]

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  50. I read that stuff just for fun. I love the way I feel about myself after reading ridiculous comments that fucktard-douche-nozzles leave on the internet.
    Especially the ones where they argue about how many boxes do you see.

    That beer sounds great by the way, especially with PANCAKES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

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    1. I see what you're trying to do there, but it's hard to argue with that logic, because it's true; a sweet, agave flavored beer would definitely improve the taste of a dry, flimsy, flavorless PANCAKE.

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  51. Obviously it's waffles. It has built-in syrup holders. Duh. Anyone who thinks otherwise is a moron now excuse me while I write a four hundred word explaining why...kidding! I used to do that. I've finally learned not to waste my time and to take the Thumper approach. If I can't say anything nice, I don't say anything at all. I move along with my day. It's easier for me.

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    1. This gal gets it! You don't need 400 words to explain that waffles will hold your syrup for you like a complete gentleman.

      As for me, I'm a firm believer in only that second part of Thumper's approach. I just don't say anything at all. Even a kind phrase on the Internet can receive massive hate. I mean, I've seriously seen people argue and fight over something as stupid as 'have a nice day'.

      (I am NOT here for your amusement and I will NOT be told how I should be expected to feel! - HUFF)

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  52. I avoid discourse on Facebook other than nice comments about my grandchildren or something positive of that nature. When it comes to issues I don't exist as far as FB or other similar forums go. The blog crowd usually seems to be more diplomatic about hot button issues. I don't mind intellectually sound well-reasoned disagreement with anything I say and I'll even let know-it-allism slide for the most part. The one thing that I won't give a free pass to is the commenters personally attacking each other with derogatory terms and insinuations. I will either step in to attempt to diffuse things and bring reason back into the discussion. ON very rare occasions (maybe once or twice) I will delete a comment that I feel is totally out of line.

    In the week to come I'm thinking of starting a blog series that might push some buttons. I'll have to see what happens. Damn! The music battles can be contentious enough and here I'm going to head back into the realm of controversy.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. I love how quickly the Internet can turn adults into children again. Just the fact that you have to step in and "be the adult" between two people that don't know how to argue without taking swings at each other. Yeesh.

      Anyhow, we'll be sure and pop by for your controversial post series to argue with you and demean you and assassinate your character, even if we agree with you. Because after all, wasn't that why Al Gore invented the Internet in the first place?

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  53. If they're blueberry pancakes I'll take an order if not I'll take the waffles. It's all about the blueberries...lol...I don't do FB and I'm glad I don't.

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    1. But what about blueberry waffles? And if that's not enough, waffles have built in blueberry holders on the top for even more blueberries.

      See, these are the kinds of things you'd learn if you were on Facebook.

      (Not really)

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  54. French toast. Duh. Now we have to go toe to toe.

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    1. What, but no love for crepes? That is SO ableist of you, you racist bigot. Go throw yourself off of a bridge and end your reign of misogyny. You are literally worse than Hitler.

      (How was that?)

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  55. Now why didnt i read this post before the one i commented on? DOh!

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    1. Well, in all fairness, you didn't say anything hateful or argumentative with us... YET.

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