Friday, January 15, 2016

Food Poisoning: The Poor Man's Sexy Diet

Food poisoning is the absolute worst. It's not just because your insides liquefy and then missile launch from your body at every which angle, but because if you're like either of us - foodies - then food poisoning means that chances are good you've just been hurt badly... by something you love dearly.


And there's nothing worse than suffering a food miscarriage at the hands of something you love. Hey, I don't recall ordering the botulism! Who put salmonella on this? I distinctly remember asking them to hold the norovirus!

The result, of course, is a few days' worth of The Supermodel's Diet®, in which you evacuate every last molecule of food and liquid you've ever had upon ingesting even the slightest bit of anything. And since you can't eat or drink anything without projectile vomiting it like a busted fire hydrant, it's a great way to lose weight. Bryan lost 6 lbs in 2 days thanks to a bad chicken wing or two, thereby making this the sexiest illness he's ever had. He didn't even need to lose 6 lbs. How's that for a killer before/after testimonial?

The weirdest thing about food poisoning, of course, is that it can come from nearly anything, and you can't really see it coming... unless you're blatantly eating out of a dumpster that's sitting out directly in the scalding hot sun behind a dollar scoop Chinese place*. The source doesn't necessarily have to be a greasy burrito or a poorly cooked chicken wing. It can even come from something as harmless and stupid as a salad.

*pro tip: don't do that

In Communist Russia, plant waters you

If you don't think kale is evil, just remember that in addition to tasting awful, it can also murder you slowly from the inside.

Food poisoning can even taint foods we once loved forever, eternally turning them into something in which the very thought of said food makes us throw up in our mouths a little, almost as if to give you a small sample of what's to come, should you eat or drink this intestinal violator ever again.


And really, if you spend 3 solid days glued to the toilet from various ends, then no one can blame you for never wanting to eat that food again.

The other side of that, however, is if your palate is somehow willing to forgive its digestional rapist. If you can somehow find it in your heart to go back to the very food that scarred you, both emotionally and intestinally. It's like a jilted lover trying to take back the person that crushed their heart into a black, bloody paste. Do you go back? Should you go back?


No one said we humans were smart. But in the end, our reasoning is this: if we're going to get food poisoning, which we all invariably get at some point or another, we'd rather get it from something we love than something we don't. So don't skimp out on the chicken wings or the burritos or the overeasy eggs for fear of food poisoning. Like a good game of Russian roulette, food-borne illness is likely to hit you at some point in your life anyway. Might as well just roll with it.

Plus, you know, free weight loss. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan and Brandon

Beer: Upslope Thai IPA (gotta keep hydrated)
Music: Washed Out (also the current state of my insides)

131 comments:

  1. It's really hard to forgive that food though. I haven't touched Tuna Helper in over twenty-five years and it took awhile to forgive plain tuna.
    A few more bouts of food poisoning and Bryan will vanish forever. Or be ready for a gig as a supermodel.

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    1. Are you sure that isn't just what happens when you eat Tuna Helper? I mean, that stuff's 99 cents for a reason...

      And yeah, I don't like to brag, but I've currently got some ribs showing, and it's pretty hot.

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  2. I remember last time I got food poisoning. The weight loss was incredible. Everyone thought I was Christian Bale's character from The Machinist. I had such a rockin' bod before I forgave McDonald's 3 days later and put on 40 lbs.

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    1. Ah yes, women just love the waifish look. That slender "maybe he's homeless, maybe he's not" bod. Too bad we men love food more, amirite?

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  3. All this newly drawn art, it's almost like a different webcomic!
    It wasn't actually food poisoning, but I once had a horrifying experience with banana vla. Praise the Lord I had the bright idea of looking at my spoonful before going to town on it, for what I saw was best described as death waiting to happen. A thick glob, slightly darker than the surrounding vla, not quite solid but definitely way too viscous. It was... so disgusting. I've never had vla since. Even thinking about the dessert makes me gag now. ):

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    1. Fun fact! "Vla" is also the sound you make as you projectile vomit rotten banana everywhere. That sounds horrific. But on the plus side, your description was magnificent. Have you considered writing food-related horror?

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  4. Oh dear, what a horrid thing to have to go through Bryan. I suppose I must have had food poisoning at some point in my life although it was more likely gastroenteritis in my case. Hope you are all better now.

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    1. Yep, I'm all better now! Still haven't gained that 6 lbs back, but I'm going to make some chicken wings this weekend for the big fight, so... I'm either brave or stupid. I'd like to think the former.

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    2. Just be careful you handle them carefully when they are raw and cook them thoroughly.

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    3. That's not a problem! :) My friend, on the other hand, who poisoned me, was quite inebriated and apparently did not do such a good job of careful preparation.

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  5. Glad you boys are well enough just to write this post!

    I think I told you that I experienced some food poisoning way back when (junior high school?) from fried chicken at this place my dad loved. Today I can eat fried chicken (and I do!)BUT I never could go back to that particular place that burned me so badly. I don't know if that makes sense but each time my dad hopefully suggested I give it ONE MORE TRY my insides attempted to run. He eventually gave it up (and probably went with without all of us at lunch time!).

    Tequila. That was my sorority drink in college. It came out at every single event we had. I puked it up at nearly every single event we had. Do you see the commonality here? Just the smell of tequila does me in. There isn't even any disguising it in something fun like a margarita. No sirreee. I can smell that intestinal nightmare no matter what enticing stuff you put it in!!!

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    1. Well, Brandon was never sick, but I'd like to imagine he had sympathy pains.

      I know both of those feels. I'm making wings again this weekend, but I can never again eat anything prepared by my stoner pal (he was high when he made those wings, and I didn't find out until after, so go figure).

      Also, a friend once tried to get me drunk using tequila. It didn't work (I process alcohol like a beast) but the sheer volume made me sick to my stomach, and to this day I can't even smell tequila without getting the urge to yak.

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    2. I also meant to tell you that I'm acutely aware of how being sick will make you lose weight. I've gone through several really rough years with my migraines. Each time I slide fully down the slippery slope into migraine hell I lose weight. I think it's largely because I eat just barely enough to sustain life. So, several times I've dropped 20-30 pounds, which makes me feel model-thin while I lie in bed longing for a quick and painless death. The upside is that I looked great in a bikini (if your idea of great is super skinny). All and still, I don't recommend illness as the ideal weight loss plan!

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    3. If I'd have known that's all I had to do to be thin, I would have stopped working out ages ago. I'd just get sick every few months. However, to be honest, I don't think anything would make me look good in a bikini.

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    4. TEQUILA is the devil's orange juice! That is nasty shit, just pure poison! ...No wonder I love it!

      Nah, jus' kidding. I don't love it.

      Tequila is the one form of alcohol that I steer clear of. God invented Don Knotts for one reason ONLY: to play the part of Barney Fife. God invented Carroll O'Connor for one reason ONLY: to play the part of Archie Bunker. And God invented Tequila for one reason ONLY: to play the part of a Margarita.

      I love, Love, LOVE Margaritas. But Tequila ain't no good for nuttin' else (except a ticket to a Messican jail!)

      I can out-drink just about everyone I've ever known, but even I am no match for Tequila. Ninety-Five out of One Hundred drinkers who drink Tequila agree: that shit is shit!

      It hasn't yet (YET!) been determined in laboratory conditions, but alcohol in the form of Tequila has a way of fudging up the brain waves more than alcohol in any other form does.

      The only times I order Tequila (outside of one or two marvelous Margaritas) is when I feel like slugging someone and going to jail in Ensenada, Mexico, which fortunately hasn't happened since 1982.

      Carry on...

      ~ D-FensDogG

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    5. Maybe my stomach isn't as smart as I thought it was. I forgot about margaritas. I love those too. Make mine a strawberry on the rocks, sugar on the rim, not those giant chunks of salt. I'm a human, after all, not a deer.

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  6. The best diet plan and free exorcism known to humans!

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    1. Whatever demons were previously inside of me have definitely been cast out!

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  7. In my experience working in the food industry, salads are probably the most unsanitary thing you can find in the kitchen of any restaurant or fast food place. I won't even eat them at expensive 5-star restaurants anymore.

    Oh goodness, tequila...... ::shudders:: NO THANKS

    I tend to be the one asshole in the group that doesn't get sick when everyone else gets food poisoning, even if we all ate the same thing.

    Hope you're feeling better!

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    1. You know, you don't even have to elaborate on that one bit for me to never want to eat a salad at a restaurant ever again. That says it all. And unfortunately, I tend to be the one asshole that gets sick when everyone else is fine. One time in college some friends and I went in on a 5 for 5 burger deal at some place. There were 5 of us, we each got 1 burger. Yeah, guess who got sick out of his mind, and guess who didn't? Like Burger Russian Roulette.

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    2. OH THE TALES I COULD TELL OF THE THINGS WE FOUND IN THE SALADS AT PANERA

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    3. I KINDA WANT TO KNOW NOW BUT I KINDA DON'T IT'S PUBES ISN'T IT

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    4. hair, several different species of bugs (they were already in the bag that was shipped to us from wherever they get their lettuce and whatnot), bits and pieces of foods from the bakery and the sandwich station, long pieces of twine, and my personal favourite, a small fish that looked like a dried up anchovy, which was also found in a sealed bag of lettuce from the supplier

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  8. As much as I'd like to drop a few pounds, I'll pass on your way of doing it. When our kids were growing up, stomach flu often made the rounds through our family, but it's been a lot of years since I got food poisoning. From soft crabs. It never stopped me from eating them, though. (No, no, no... NOT stupid. I'm going with you... BRAVE.)

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    1. Soft shell crab is one of my favorite delicacies and I love it so much I would probably still eat it even if I had a severe seafood allergy. I'd just have to stock up on EpiPens. And at that point, I think it definitely transitions from BRAVE to VERY, VERY STUPID.

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  9. Yeah, I was thinking that neither of you could afford to lose 6 pounds. Food poisoning is gross, but a hearty carne asada Chipotle burrito with avocado and sour cream makes it well worth it. Problem is you forget that when you're praying to the porcelain god. But hey, there's a fix: get another when you're finished with prayer.

    I laughed out loud about the plant in Communist Russia. You guys are so good at every detail. I never know what's gonna strike my funny bone the hardest. That's one of the reasons I love dropping by.

    Happy Friday and weekend.

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    1. Ha, prayer! Yes, I prayed to the porcelain god so much that my entry into the sewage afterlife is all but guaranteed. Hopefully I will not be required to worship for a long, long, long time. Thanks for the kind words!

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  10. I've got a list of things I can't tolerate now: gin, grape juice, cayenne, Mojitos, chili, blue cheese, too much feta cheese, herbal teas-yep, overindulged in those too, but mostly I learned not to let other people mix your drinks or order them for you. . .and avoid dips at get togethers (too many double dippers). Food poisoning is hell, with the only beneficial thing being that it's like a 'cleanse' that you didn't plan on. Great illustrations for this post. Especially the naughty Kale. . .

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    1. My only regret was not getting to doodle that little shit getting chewed up in a blender. Maybe next time.

      And I avoid dips at all costs, too. Hell, I don't even usually go out to eat anymore. I mostly stay in and cook or cook with friends. Needless to say, a friend poisoned me with his cooking, and I will never be eating anything he prepares ever again.

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  11. Ah yes, food can hurt, and I've suffered my share of the sexy weight loss. Never could keep it off though. Yep, I can never stay mad at those salmonella guys, they just taste so good - going down. Tequila is not something I've re-united with; just the thought makes me wanna - - -

    Hope you're feeling better Bryan. Date night is coming up and I'm sure your wife won't forgive your digestive system for ruining it!

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    1. I am feeling better, and she'd forgive me regardless of my digestive system now that I'm looking so lean and trim and borderline anorexic.

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  12. Awwwww, Brandon snuggling with his Jagermeister boyfriend just made my day! I think I'll start a slash fandom on tumblr for them!

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    1. Jagermeister is a bit of a douche who's afraid of commitment, so just imagine all. Of that. ANGST.

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  13. Replies
    1. Don't you dare lie to me and tell me those taste anything like potato chips.

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    2. Wow! 6 more words, 1 more comma, and 1 more exclamation point! Ain't you boys been blessed!

      ~ D-FensDogG

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  14. Hope you're feeling better now. I'e had food poisoning twice. First time I went to one of the buffets here in Las Vegas and ate sushi. Yeah, don't ever eat sushi at an all you can eat buffet. Just don't do it.

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    1. I'm getting sick just thinking about that. Fresh prepared sushi? Game on. Sushi that's been sitting behind a very flimsy sneezeguard for God-knows-how-long? Strong pass. Sorry to hear it got the better of you.

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  15. I've luckily never had it, I don't eat meat which is often the main thing that causes it.

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    1. Watch out for a rogue salad, though. Those leafy greens are some mean sumbitches.

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    2. Spinach has been known to make the masses sick...

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    3. According to the CDC leafy greens like lettuce and spinach are the leading cause of food poisoning nationwide. Personally, with those odds, I'll take the wings over the salad any day.

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  16. The last time I got food poisoning happened to be mere hours after I had donated blood for the first time in my life. I have never felt worse, before or since. I mean, literally losing large portions of every single bodily fluid that I possess is NOT OK. I had to force myself to take in any and every kind of fluid that I could get my hands on, because I was low before I got sick. You're supposed to spend several days after giving blood replenishing the fluids you've lost, not losing more of them, violently, multiple times per hour! Ugh.

    If I ever donate blood again, I'm not taking any chances. No more "Hey, let's try a bad salad at at new restaurant that keeps getting mixed reviews right after participating in a blood drive!" Lesson learned. Just crackers and water for me, thanks!

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    1. Wow, that sounds 110% more awful. I can't even imagine. So crackers and water, yes, but do you still take the free cookie after donating? Is it salmonella free... Or no?

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    2. It had better be salmonella free, cuz I never turn down a free cookie!

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  17. I once had food poisoning from chicken nuggets. It took me years to trust it again. Jager and I have a history. It occasionally hurts me and I keep going back. So pretty much like every person I date.

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    1. I haven't had that experience with Jager, but with tequila if I even smell it I start to salivate in that "I'm about to puke all over you" kind of way. My body's way of warning me. Now, if only that worked with people, amirite?

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    2. I've never understood the Jägermeister fad. I've tried it once or twice and, to me, it tastes like something my Pa would have made me drink (for good health) when I was a tot...

      Kind of a combination of Black Strap Molasses, a raw leaf of spinach, and way too much Vitamin B.

      Achieving the supreme state of drunkenness should be a whole lot more pleasant than tasting Jägermeister in your mouth.

      If I want to drink something that tastes "healthy", I'll drink the blood of a female marathon runner.

      ~ D-FensDogG

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    3. I think the majority of people drink it because it's incredibly cheap and tastes a little more like candy (kind of like licorice) than your average hard alcohol. Neither of us are fans.

      And thankfully for you, female runners are now making themselves more and more accessible to drink their blood. Salud!

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    4. How does this happen? I just completely invent, spontaneously, some outrageous idea like drinking the blood of female marathon runners, and hours later you come up with a story that matches that outrageousness - and even adds another level of outrageousness to it!

      Yeah, I went and read the story. I thank you for that link. Couldn't have gone on living without it.

      I'm at a point now where even God Himself could not convince me that we have NOT entered the Biblical End-Times.

      ~ D-FensDogG

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    5. Yeah, welcome to new-wave feminism. Aren't you inspired now? I definitely am more "aware" of women who don't have access to pads/tampons. I just pray that this year some brave woman shits all over herself and waddles through a 10k to raise awareness for women that don't have access to toilet paper.

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  18. Since the best I got for this is a tequila story I haven't told you, I'll tell it now. A girl at my old job drug a bunch of us to her neighborhood bar, and insisted we do T shots. Now, me, my stomach curdles at the smell of the bottle cap, so I politely did one shot and said no mas. About an hour in, she insisted on another round. I said, "I don't want one." She told the waitress, "Yes he does." I told the waitress, "If you bring one, you better bring a trash can." She brought the shots, and gave me a trash can. Just then, another of the girl's buddies came in. I offered him my shot. He took it, chugged it, and immediately barfed it onto the floor. The waitress came back, looked at me, and said, "Why didn't you use the trash can?" I said, "IT WASN'T ME! HE did it!"

    Haven't touched the stuff since. I'll stick with Duck Farts.

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    1. I had a duck fart once. Best drink name ever.

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    2. I'm glad you specified that was a drink. I don't think I'd question either of you somehow drinking a duck fart (is it squeezed out into a glass, or drank directly from the duck, I wonder?).

      I believe now that tequila must be distilled with ipecac. I don't think I know anyone who's drank tequila without barfing it up later, and violently at that.

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  19. I've been quite lucky, I've only had food poisoning twice in my life. An one of those times wasn't quite bad enough to regurgitate anything. Felt pretty awful though.

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    1. I've only had food poisoning twice in my life as well. At 32, that equates to roughly once every 16 years. With that said... it still seems like way too damn much.

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  20. I remember, about 10 years back, I was out of town visiting my high school buddies. On the way home from somewhere, we stopped at a Hooters and had some wings.

    Cut to later that night, when I woke up suddenly, about 2:00 AM, feeling both nauseous and like I was about to lose containment. I penguin-walked to the bathroom, sat on the can and immediately exploded.

    Then the nausea ramped up, and I had to make a decision... like whether I was really going to put my face into a place where I did NOT want it put. Luckily, I was able to make the nausea pass via deep breathing.

    Damned wings... (and I didn't really care for Hooters' wings in the first place.)

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    1. You clearly have the deep breathing skills of a yoga master. Kudos to that. This is why I keep a trash can right next to the toilet, for those tricky moments when your ass is glued to the toilet and you really don't want to have your face glued there as well.

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  21. The whole time I was reading this, one thought kept recurring:

    NO more Peach Schnapps!!!! Never - ever - ever - promise?!!!

    I promise ;)

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    1. Ooh, I haven't overdone it on that, but I can only imagine how awful that is. It's so sugary sweet... however, I bet it did not taste sugary and sweet coming back up...

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    2. OH gosh Dixie...after reading your comment, a hideous experience....involving Peach Schnapps...came flooding back! About 20 years ago....enough said...don't want to remember!
      I do not believe I have ever had food poisoning...knock on wood!
      Cheers!
      Linda :o)

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  22. It does take a while to forgive. My daughter is two years into her breakup with Chinese food and one of my sons will not eat cold cuts of any kind. But they both still love Chipotle so anything could happen.
    Six pounds! Damn you young men and your metabolism. I could be sick that long and lose 1.5 at best.

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    1. I SHOULD break up with Chinese food. It hasn't poisoned me, but I sure don't feel great after I eat it (the cheap stuff, anyway). Also, 6 lbs isn't that hard to lose with the food poisoning diet. Take in one tablespoon of water, eject 1 lb of vomit. It's a pretty solid (and painful) diet plan.

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  23. If I lost 6 lbs I'd look as skinny as the cat. blah to it coming out both ends. You and that chicken wing sure had some great times. Thankfully I have never gotten food poisoning. 30 years without a single case, sooo hoping it stays that way. Last time I regurgitated anything was the flu in the 8th grade. No kale has pissed on me either, a huge plus.

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    1. Wow, that's lucky on both accounts. I wouldn't wish food poisoning on anyone, or that much weight loss on someone who didn't need it. I'm currently rocking that "does he have cancer, or doesn't he?" look, so I'm looking forward to appearing more, uh, normal... now that I can keep food down.

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  24. I never thought I would see a J-Lo ass on a chicken wing? I am glad you are feeling better and can relate. I can't even smell, never mind drink, Brandy/cognac. I visited the porcelain gods-toilet, tub and sink. I vaguely recall my hair swirling around with my barf. Classy eh? A few years ago, our boss took us to a fancy restaurant known for their lobster sandwich. Of course I had this, went back to work and then went grocery shopping. I was at a plaza in a pet store when it hit-cold sweat, feeling of nausea and the imminent backlash of....a bad backlash. I asked the young bitch for the washroom and she told me to walk across the way to the grocery store. I tried to get to that store but alas..I did not make it. I went to my car and proceeded to feel ill in the car. This was, to say the least, quite the mess. I had to drive home! Now I know what a 2 months old feels like. I called to complain about the sandwich and they hung up on me! I was not a happy camper and knew they left the lobster out on the counter in the warm air a bit too long. I don't think I will eat kale and if one gets sick from veggies it is literally due to poo....eewwww

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    1. Wow. I love lobster! ... just not when it's been left out in the sun for an afternoon. Ouch. And now I see why women usually have a buddy to help them hold their hair while they puke. It's like an all day dried puke helmet. That must be doubly awful.

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    2. What was horrible, when I was 19, my mom was holding my hair and she was not amused. I love lobster too, but never at that place ever, ever again.

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  25. The one thing that held America (TM) back from being TRULY the greatest country in the world is that we had never produced someone who could draw a chicken wing twerking.

    Until now.

    Gentlemen, our country owes you its deepest gratitude.

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    1. As a true American®, I accept payment in the form of Baconators and/or assault rifles.

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  26. B&B:
    The time away from blogging only served to make your posts FUNNIER.
    And I know that food poisoning is NOT funny one damn bit (been down that street, got jumped from behind and strong-armed by some shrimp.
    (no, the formerly swimming and deep-fried ones with tails...THOSE guys) once...JUST once!

    Someone needs to create a bathroom with TWO toilets - BOTH within "reach" if you get my drift...!
    Somehow, driving "The Porcelain Bus" after dumping in it isn't a pleasant experience.
    (ask any bus-driver...heh)
    The cartoons are epic as usual.
    Well done (and I hope that bout is over and done with).
    ("twerking wings"...LMAO!)

    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. Well, they do have the dual toilet, but I don't think that's so much for both ends as it is for couples that share WAY too much.

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  27. If you should use your Super X-ray vision powers you'd see a bucket lives in permanent residence beside the porcelain goddess bitch. Tuna fillets taught me the wisdom of that course of action. I will never again eat uncanned tuna, oh hell no!

    Glad you're feeling better and thanks so much for your kind words. =)

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    1. I don't think canned tuna is much better than uncanned. You know, with the whole mercury poisoning thing. But the bucket is a great idea. I have a small trash can, with the knowledge that should it ever be used, it will just be inserted directly into the big trash can and thrown away permanently. No way I'm gonna clean that out and reuse it!

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  28. Haha. This is so funny. And true. I once had food poisoning after dominos pizza. After throwing up for days, I avoided dominos like the plague. And stuck to pizza hut. And then suddenly everyone got all "dominos is so much cooler!",and then I kinda decided to forgive dominos. Oddly enough, I've never had food poisoning from dominos since. Maybe the food is just testing you. Like 'do you really love chicken wing? Or do you just pretend you do?'. You passed. But you failed tequila's test.

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    1. I don't know anyone who's passed tequila's test and lived to tell the tale. And even if they do, it's like massive brain damage... at that point, is it even worth it?

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  29. >>... Upslope Thai IPA

    What? "Thai"? As in hot? Spicy? What are we yakking about here?

    Funny thing is that while reading this blog bit, I got hungry and got out some Pringles jalapeno potato chips and Lay's Ranch dip. But this Ranch dip tastes like vomit! Does it REALLY taste like vomit, or is that just my mind imagining that my stomach is being food poisoned?

    This blog bit was only 19.28% funner than previous blog bits. I want my money back!!!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. That just means it's brewed with red light district venereal diseases. Really adds a nice crunch. Actually, it's brewed with lemongrass. It's pretty damn good.

      I think as a general rule anything artificially Ranch flavored tastes like vomit. In fact, I'm pretty sure Ranch IS just pasteurized cow vomit.

      Also, we apologize for the inconvenience and will get you your money back immediately. Where may we send the check for $0?

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  30. I once had food poisoning from chicken soup that someone left on the counter and then put back in fridge. It was three days before I could come down the mountain and get to the store for "anti-D". It was a 20 minute car ride and I couldn't go 20 minutes without the "D".

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    1. The hilariously ironic part of this, of course, is that most people eat chicken soup to feel better.

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  31. Being sick is definitely no fun especially when it leaves you heaving. I had to say good-bye to my old friend Gin, just the thought of it makes me ill. Luckily my friend Tequila has been kind to me. In fact I had a couple of margarita's last night. I can only visit Tequila in small doses. It's about quality not quantity..or something like that.

    I once had food poisoning from eating bad chicken at a restaurant to this day I will not order chicken out. Of course I eat it at home as I know how it has been prepared.

    Hope you feel better soon! I wouldn't mind losing 6lbs but, not that way no siree...

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    1. Margaritas are fantastic (in small doses). Shots of pure tequila, however, are no bueno, even in small doses. My stomach lurches just thinking about it.

      And you know, the more I hear about people getting random food-borne illnesses from random foods while dining out, the more I appreciate learning to cook and staying in. I don't see me undercooking rotten, expired meat and wrecking my own digestive system any time soon.

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  32. In communist Russia, plant waters you.
    Bahaha!
    It's definitely true the only diet a typical man will go through is liquified laxative style. Non-voluntary. Food poisoning. Also, my man always has a beer for the shower. I'm always thinking "What if I get my shampoo dropping in his beer and he takes aswig...hehe".
    No, in all seriousness I usually have a couple swigs myself.

    - Harlynn
    mindyourmadness.blogspot.com

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    1. Well, it wasn't so much laxative as projectile vomiting, but hey, does it matter what end it comes out of? Results are results.

      Also, your quandary depends entirely on what he drinks. If he drinks high quality craft beer, you owe him a sopping wet trip to the fridge to get a replacement. If he drinks Bud Light, then it doesn't matter, because it tastes like swill anyway. If anything, he should be thanking you for adding some flavor.

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  33. OMG, as someone who has experienced that - SO FUCKING SORRY if this happened to you, and I missed that part reading (I am tired.)

    I did laugh my ass off at the lap dancing chicken leg, however...

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    1. Yep, it did happen to me. I believe the technical term is that I was "all kindsa fucked up."

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  34. This was hysterical, and I especially loved the taco smoking a cigarette at the end! Sorry you had to go through all that, Bryan. I hope you've completely recovered, and gained the weight back. Happy New Year B & B, and take good care of yourselves!

    Julie

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    1. Thank you! I am completely recovered, and I have not put the weight back on because I'm enjoying it. Really lets the abs show. Yeah, that's right, 3 days of bulimia gave me the abs of my dreams. I should do motivational speaking on the power of throwing up.

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  35. There are a few dishes I'll never go back to. There's this one house specialty dish from a Chinese place here. I'm emotionally traumatized.

    Also, there is no good way to get vomit out of a bathtub.

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    1. "Just came from eating a $5 bowl of Chinese food, and man, do I feel GREAT!" - no one ever.

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  36. As surprising as it may seem, I have never had food poisoning. I hope you are all better.

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    1. Personally, I wouldn't recommend acquiring it, so you're wise to stay away. And I feel much better, thanks!

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  37. I've gotten food poisoning a bunch of times. Way more than is healthy. But when people talk about Taco Bell giving them diarrhea, I think those people are weak. Not their stomachs, them. I've eaten Taco Bell way more than is healthy and never gotten diarrhea but a salad at a restaurant? Instant pissy-poos. Also, pork products at chain restaurants, what are you doing? If you order pork at an Applebees, you might as well play Russian Roulette.

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    1. Completely agree with you about Taco Bell. It's not hot, it's not spicy, and the ingredients aren't any crappier than any other fast food joint, so I don't know why so many people claim it's diarrhea central. Diarrhea central is the dollar scoop Chinese place, or, as you mentioned, doing something as dumb as ordering pork at Applebees. That's the kind of mistake that earns you bloodstains in your underwear.

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  38. I must have missed you guys saying you were moving to Fridays now. I don't know if I've ever had full blown food poisioning but I do somehow have selective lactose intolerance. I think it's just something in chocolate flavoured milk that sets me off in a bad way. Some kind of additive that's only in chocolate flavoured things.

    Like you with food poisioning though I forgive it. I forget it. Every so often I'll drink something really chocolately and then set up a fort in the bathroom wondering why I thought anything would be different this time.

    Yet, a few months later, we do it all over again.

    People are dumb.

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    1. We aren't moving to Fridays, but our new schedule might be confusing to some, so we're going to create a mini banner for that. Thanks for reminding us.

      And sure, people are pretty dumb, but food is also amazing. I used to be lactose intolerant, but I also love milk/cheese. So I just kept binge drinking milk until it finally went away. Wrecked my guts for a few years, but now they're practically cast iron and I can drink any amount of milk I want without so much as a stomach ache.

      True fucking story.

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  39. I couldn't eat veggie fried rice for like six years after a particularly bad episode. Food aversions are a bitch.

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    1. Why is it that the majority of Asian restaurants have fairly clean/healthy foods, and then you reach Chinese food, and suddenly it's like "here's a glop of fried rice with fried chicken covered in fried sugar sauce and hopefully you don't get intestinal herpes from it"?

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  40. Thank Jeebus you're back! A couple of things. E.coli is found in poop. Who the fuck poops in a lettuce patch? I mean really! How rude! Second of all "they" say you shouldn't have your bathroom sink too close to the toilet because flushing it causes some poop splash on your toothbrush. Okay, so what about the times when you are sick at both ends? Isn't it nice to poop AND be able to barf into the sink when the occasion calls for it? Call me for your next bathroom remodel.

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    1. I think a better question is who pooped in my salad? I think I'd trust the guy picking the lettuce more than I do the questionably grungy teenager in the kitchen.

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    2. Good point. I rarely eat in a restaurant (we don't have many here)so I rarely get sick from food. I did get sick from contaminated milk once. Guess the cow pooped in the bucket.

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  41. I'm a sucker. I forgive the food every single time. My husband and I use that "In Communist Russia..." phrase all the time. My kid is going to say it one day at school, probably for something that totally doesn't make any sense, and I'll receive a letter from the teacher. Yup, I definitely see that happening.

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    1. Principal: "Mrs. Rains, your son was overheard making inappropriate comments about communism. I have no choice but to hereby suspend your child."
      You: "In communist Russia, child suspends you."

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  42. Replies
    1. I had a great comment reply all worked out, full of some sharp lawyering. But I'm not going to read it. I'm hear to apologize. I am young and I am inexperienced.

      But you cannot hold Carl Lee Hailey responsible for my shortcomings. You see, in all this legal maneuvering something has gotten lost, and that something is the truth. Now, it is incumbent upon us lawyers not to just talk about the truth, but to actually seek it, to find it, to live it. My teacher taught me that. Let's take Dr. Bass, for example. Now, obviously I would have never knowingly put a convicted felon on the stand -- I hope you can believe that. But what is the truth? That he is a disgraced liar? And what if I told you that the woman he was accused of raping was 17, he was 23, that she later became his wife, bore his child and is still married to the man today. Does that make his testimony more or less true?

      What is it in us that seeks the truth? Is it our minds or is it our hearts?

      I set out to prove a black man could receive a fair trial in the south, that we are all equal in the eyes of the law. That's not the truth, because the eyes of the law are human eyes -- yours and mine -- and until we can see each other as equals, justice is never going to be evenhanded. It will remain nothing more than a reflection of our own prejudices, so until that day we have a duty under God to seek the truth, not with our eyes and not with our minds where fear and hate turn commonality into prejudice, but with our hearts -- where we don't know better.

      Now I wanna tell you a story. I'm gonna ask ya'all to close your eyes while I tell you this story. I want you to listen to me. I want you to listen to yourselves. This is a story about a little girl walking home from the grocery store one sunny afternoon. I want you to picture this little girl. Suddenly a truck races up. Two men jump out and grab her. They drag her into a nearby field and they tie her up, and they rip her clothes from her body. Now they climb on, first one then the other, raping her, shattering everything innocent and pure -- vicious thrusts -- in a fog of drunken breath and sweat. And when they're done, after they killed her tiny womb, murdered any chance for her to bear children, to have life beyond her own, they decide to use her for target practice. So they start throwing full beer cans at her. They throw 'em so hard that it tears the flesh all the way to her bones -- and they urinate on her.

      Now comes the hanging. They have a rope; they tie a noose. Imagine the noose pulling tight around her neck and a sudden blinding jerk. She's pulled into the air and her feet and legs go kicking and they don't find the ground. The hanging branch isn't strong enough. It snaps and she falls back to the earth. So they pick her up, throw her in the back of the truck, and drive out to Foggy Creek Bridge and pitch her over the edge. And she drops some 30 feet down to the creek bottom below.

      Can you see her? Her raped, beaten, broken body, soaked in their urine, soaked in their semen, soaked in her blood -- left to die. Can you see her? I want you to picture that little girl. Now imagine she's white.

      The defense rests, your honor.

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  43. Bravo! Great pictures and story. I feel your pain. I've gotten food poisoning many times, and if that wasn't bad enough, I pretty much had an allergy to drinking. In my younger days, every weekend I'd go out drinking, and every weekend, I'd wind up vomiting for six hours the next day. BUT dummy me would start all over again the following weekend. :D Thanks for sharing your mouth and anal drip story with us. :D

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    1. Well, no one said we humans were smart. After all, we deliberately drink poison (alcohol) because we think it's fun.

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  44. I don't believe I've ever had proper, full blown food poisoning. However, I have had gastro. And I do believe from that I can say I have sympathy. :-D

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    1. Yeah, I'd consider that awful enough to be comparable. Funny how many things can screw up our digestive systems. I eat one bad wing, I'm sick as hell. My dog eats out of the trash, he's happy as shit. It's not fair.

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  45. Been there down that my friends. The one upside for me, is after a bout of food poisoning (or stomach bug for that matter), my blood sugars usually drop by 50-75 points.

    I definitely agree about avoiding the foods that give it. About 15 years ago, had a bout of food poisoning from McDonalds, and it took me the better part of three years before I felt comfortable eating anything else on the menu besides fries and nuggets.

    I Are Writer!

    Father Nature's Corner

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    1. Wait... is there anything else on the menu aside from fries and nuggets (worth getting)? If you ate the Filet-o-Fish or the McRib, then I have to side with your intestines on this one. They know what's bad for you.

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  46. Sorry you had to deal with that, Bryan. Food poisoning stinks!

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  47. I've had a horrible month and a half. First I had several rounds of flu, and then? Well, then I got eye problems courtesy of both eyes going extremely dry and in turn having scratched corneas. I've missed the internet greatly. That may sound like I'm complaining, but I wanted to say I'd swap all of that for your Supermodel's Diet . . . if I'm gonna be miserable, I want to at least lose some extra pounds dammit!

    So happy you guys are back with your new plan. Even happier that I *can* enjoy your masterpieces ;)

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    1. I'd say you had it much worse than I did. I can live without keeping food down, but being unable to surf the Internet? That's a misery I can't even imagine. Unable to check Facebook, or see hilarious cat videos, or shop. I'm getting all cold and clammy just thinking about it. I wonder if this is what heroin addiction is like.

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  48. Oye! The joys of food and our own frailty, eh? We had a group of friends we used to hang out with, but every time they fed us, we got sick. We quit eating anything they prepared and the problem went away. Surprise!

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    1. Yeah, this was definitely a case of the company I was keeping and much less the actual food itself. The moral of the story: don't let a stoner who's blazed out of his mind cook your food (in all fairness, I had no idea he was high until AFTER).

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  49. I've had food poisoning once and I wanted to die. It had to be better than living with the pain and 'crap'! Sorry Bryan you were sick. Hope you're on the mend now.

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    1. I feel great, and I even had wings a couple of nights ago. If that isn't an inspiring success story, I don't know what is.

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  50. Man, how's that Thai IPA? Haven't seen that around...

    Also, don't think anything Thai is the best bet after (or during) a bout of food poisoning.

    Can I knock on wood here? I've never had food poisoning. And I eat some messed up stuff. Though, my mom and brother get poisoned all the time. Guess I got my iron stomach from my dad whom I've never known to be sick my entire life (if you don't count the alcoholism).

    Anyway, feel better! Hope you get back to glorious food!

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    1. The Thai IPA is great, and don't let the name fool you, it's not spicy or anything. It's brewed with Thai lemongrass, and it's pretty damn tasty. It's so rare (Colorado brewed only, and in small batches) that I grab it any chance I can get... sickness or not.

      And if it tells you anything about those wings, I have a pretty cast iron stomach and can eat just about anything. The only thing I can't eat, however, is poorly prepared chicken. Apparently human digestive systems weren't made for that. I do feel better, though, and am back to eating food that is not soup or toast! Thanks!

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    2. Oh man, that sounds good. I'll have to see if anyone I know in Colorado can get me some :)

      You know, weirdly, I'd like to try medium rare chicken. In other countries they eat it.. I've seen it before on some food/travel show and they acted like it tasted great though I dunno if they were puking off air after. Apparently, if it's from a good chicken and super fresh.. you won't get sick. One day, I might purposely give my self food poisoning to test that theory.

      Fun tidbit: my husband doesn't eat chicken cooked on the bone because he swears it leaves a bad taste. Dunno what that's about.

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  51. Food poisoning - YIKES! Been there and done that once or twice (I'm a slow learner). Today I'm pretty careful what I eat (I live on an AIP diet, so I can move. Yeah, it's as exciting as it sounds.) I did spend the last few weeks trying to hack up a lung, does that count for some serious grossness? Also, I read through the comments and your replies and I'm trying not to pee my pants (from laughing) funny what some of us think of as FUN!

    Now as if this wasn't all TMI, one more thing. I love tequilla or 'to kill ya', worst hangover I ever had, but I never puked.

    OK, I'm done and done for I'm afraid. That was way too much TMI, even for me.

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    1. I just googled AIP diet and I feel like that's worse than any food poisoning I could ever suffer. Sorry to hear you have to eat like that. On the plus side, though, at least you've never had tequila pukes. I think it's once you puke from tequila that it's virtually impossible to go back. Just picturing the feel of tequila in my mouth makes my back start spasming like when a cat's about to throw up all over your carpet.

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  52. GODDAMN YOU! I didn't see the PRO TIP b/c I wasn't wearing my glasses, and I was literally *just* rooting around in dumpster beneath the broiling sun. BUT! I think I'll be oka...

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    1. Dumpsters behind restaurants are like the mouse traps of human food. We know we shouldn't, but... free cheese!

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  53. Your post reminded me Dumb Ways to Die songs :) Your comics are full of sarcasm. It's good way to wake people up :)

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  54. Oh my, I have been there more times than I care to say. The worst was going at both ends. The best, I lost 8 pounds in three days.

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