War... War never changes. We laughed at them when they said they were waging a War on Christmas. We never took them seriously. But in the year of our lord 2015, well, that was when the bombs began to drop.
It all started in 2005 when Santa's elves, under strict orders from workshop president Elf W. Bush, sold elf-made weapons and artillery to Iraqi insurgents as a way of financing the production of Christmas toys. And so when the bombs began to drop on the North Pole, they were emblazoned with serial numbers traced straight back to their very own workshop.
There were massive casualties. Frosty the Snowman was melted by napalm. He's now nothing more than chemically unstable melted snow pooling in a bucket. The Grinch was wounded badly in combat, having taken a bullet straight to the aortic valve. He needed an emergency heart transplant in order to survive, but unfortunately the donor heart he was given was two sizes too small, and he died of massive heart failure.
The reindeer were the next to go. Do you know why they call him Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? It's because he got his goddamn nose blown off by an IED.
Yule logs were incinerated in their beds while they slept, and chestnuts were burned by the millions in giant extermination furnaces. But they didn't get it the worst. No, the mall Santas got it the worst by far.
These poor, drunken minimum wage employees were systematically yanked from shopping malls all across America, tortured until their bodies could take no more, and then murdered in an attempt to find the real Santa. This was especially tragic, because as we all know the average mall Santa is a scrawny homeless man just looking to make some extra booze money, and is most definitely not a jolly fat man looking to spread magical joy.
Santa wasn't the only one facing a massive manhunt. Terrorists were also scouring the country for the big cheese, the commander-in-chief himself, General Jesus H. Christ. For his protection, Mr. Christ was kept locked up and secure in his private fortress, deep inside of a child's mouth. For you see, it's often said that Jesus can be found in the smile of a child.
Meanwhile, the real Santa set out to retaliate for the loss of his elves and his reindeer by dropping bombs of his own over Baghdad. In the span of one night he murdered 5,000 innocent Iraqis and mutilated another 2,000, and to this day no one's quite sure why be bombed an entire city without doing any research whatsoever on where insurgents might or might not be located.
Santa's fatal flaw, however, was having his location tracked through SantaTracker.com, which is a really cute website that shows Santa's geolocation as he delivers presents, but it also allowed him to be easily traced by terrorists and blown out of the sky by a surface to air missile that agonizingly incinerated him and the comically idiotic Labradors he had trained as last minute reindeer replacements.
With that, Santa and his army of elves had been decimated.
Now set to deliver the final blow, the terrorist insurgents searched high and low for General Jesus, but they could not find him. No, for they were so stupidly looking for a dark skinned Middle Eastern man, and as we all know, Jesus is white. And so, completely unnoticed, blue-eyed blond-haired surfer Jesus grabbed his lamb and just surfed away to safety, never to be seen again.
With Jesus gone, exchanging presents and assembling for family dinners was outlawed by congress in 49 states, meaning that people could only exchange gifts or cook big dinners in Alaska. However, they often died of hypothermia or dysentery on the long trek there, and eventually gave it up altogether in lieu of sitting at home quietly, starving, and just overall being miserable.
And so in the end... that's how ridiculous it sounds when people proclaim that there's a "war on Christmas". Look, Christmas isn't going anywhere anytime soon, angry politicians aren't desperately trying to pass laws to ban it, and no one is looking to burn down your Christmas tree KKK style. And even though some people make a public Grinchly stink out of the holiday and get way too much press coverage for it, either of us have yet to meet anyone who's genuinely offended by being wished a Merry Christmas and reacts with fiery, seething rage.
So to those who celebrate, we hope you have an awesome Christmas, and to those who don't, well, hopefully you at least get a free day off of work, and in that case who the hell can complain about that?
Cheers and stay merry, folks,
Music: Charles Murdoch
Beer: Aspen Brewing Independence IPA