Monday, December 21, 2015

The War on Christmas

*NOTE: New post coming 1/4. Things are slow around here during the holidays anyway, so no sense in breaking our backs over something a ton of people will miss out on while spending time with family and friends. Plus, we're busy spending time with our own family/friends. Have an awesome New Year and we'll see you in 2016! Man, have we got some awesome stuff in store for you. ~B&B*

War... War never changes. We laughed at them when they said they were waging a War on Christmas. We never took them seriously. But in the year of our lord 2015, well, that was when the bombs began to drop.


It all started in 2005 when Santa's elves, under strict orders from workshop president Elf W. Bush, sold elf-made weapons and artillery to Iraqi insurgents as a way of financing the production of Christmas toys. And so when the bombs began to drop on the North Pole, they were emblazoned with serial numbers traced straight back to their very own workshop.


There were massive casualties. Frosty the Snowman was melted by napalm. He's now nothing more than chemically unstable melted snow pooling in a bucket. The Grinch was wounded badly in combat, having taken a bullet straight to the aortic valve. He needed an emergency heart transplant in order to survive, but unfortunately the donor heart he was given was two sizes too small, and he died of massive heart failure.

The reindeer were the next to go. Do you know why they call him Rudolph the Red Nosed Reindeer? It's because he got his goddamn nose blown off by an IED.


Yule logs were incinerated in their beds while they slept, and chestnuts were burned by the millions in giant extermination furnaces. But they didn't get it the worst. No, the mall Santas got it the worst by far.

These poor, drunken minimum wage employees were systematically yanked from shopping malls all across America, tortured until their bodies could take no more, and then murdered in an attempt to find the real Santa. This was especially tragic, because as we all know the average mall Santa is a scrawny homeless man just looking to make some extra booze money, and is most definitely not a jolly fat man looking to spread magical joy.


Santa wasn't the only one facing a massive manhunt. Terrorists were also scouring the country for the big cheese, the commander-in-chief himself, General Jesus H. Christ. For his protection, Mr. Christ was kept locked up and secure in his private fortress, deep inside of a child's mouth. For you see, it's often said that Jesus can be found in the smile of a child.


Meanwhile, the real Santa set out to retaliate for the loss of his elves and his reindeer by dropping bombs of his own over Baghdad. In the span of one night he murdered 5,000 innocent Iraqis and mutilated another 2,000, and to this day no one's quite sure why be bombed an entire city without doing any research whatsoever on where insurgents might or might not be located.


Santa's fatal flaw, however, was having his location tracked through SantaTracker.com, which is a really cute website that shows Santa's geolocation as he delivers presents, but it also allowed him to be easily traced by terrorists and blown out of the sky by a surface to air missile that agonizingly incinerated him and the comically idiotic Labradors he had trained as last minute reindeer replacements.

With that, Santa and his army of elves had been decimated.

Now set to deliver the final blow, the terrorist insurgents searched high and low for General Jesus, but they could not find him. No, for they were so stupidly looking for a dark skinned Middle Eastern man, and as we all know, Jesus is white. And so, completely unnoticed, blue-eyed blond-haired surfer Jesus grabbed his lamb and just surfed away to safety, never to be seen again.


With Jesus gone, exchanging presents and assembling for family dinners was outlawed by congress in 49 states, meaning that people could only exchange gifts or cook big dinners in Alaska. However, they often died of hypothermia or dysentery on the long trek there, and eventually gave it up altogether in lieu of sitting at home quietly, starving, and just overall being miserable.

And so in the end... that's how ridiculous it sounds when people proclaim that there's a "war on Christmas". Look, Christmas isn't going anywhere anytime soon, angry politicians aren't desperately trying to pass laws to ban it, and no one is looking to burn down your Christmas tree KKK style. And even though some people make a public Grinchly stink out of the holiday and get way too much press coverage for it, either of us have yet to meet anyone who's genuinely offended by being wished a Merry Christmas and reacts with fiery, seething rage.

So to those who celebrate, we hope you have an awesome Christmas, and to those who don't, well, hopefully you at least get a free day off of work, and in that case who the hell can complain about that?

Cheers and stay merry, folks,
B&B

Music: Charles Murdoch
Beer: Aspen Brewing Independence IPA





104 comments:

  1. Jesus will be back. Then those terrorists will get theirs!
    Did they get Buddy the Elf as well?
    Have an awesome and Blessed Christmas, guys!

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    1. Yeah those sumbitches are gonna get... Love and forgiveness! They'll never know what hit them. You have a great Christmas too.

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  2. Holy mother of God... I'm the first person to comment on this. I think there must be World War III going on and I'm the lone survivor. What madness is this????

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    1. Well apparently you're not the sole survivor because Alex still beat you. At least you won't be alone for eternity?

      Delete
  3. I'm not sure I even want to know where that hyperlink on the word "dysentery" goes to. Some things are better left a mystery.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It unlocks the sixth circle of Hell and invites Mephistopheles into your home and you know you still kinda want to try it.

      Delete
  4. Yeah, I think anyone who says there's a war on Christmas has never been to a retail store. I work a shopping chain on weekends, and the 18 hours of Christmas music playing on repeat is enough to make me want to wage war on the holiday, but alas, how can I combat so much magic alone?

    You know what? There is a war on Christmas, and it's being headed by me, as of right now. It's going to be a war on Christmas music specifically, but we may have time to decimate the fruit cake population in the process.

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    1. That's a battle we all would lose, for Christmas music, like a particularly stubborn herpes, always comes back next year, no matter how hard you fight it.

      Delete
  5. Is this a draft plot summary for your new novel? It better be, people'd be all over that. Especially if you release it near the end of spring.
    But is that really a thing? People getting super mad about christmas? I know it's hella commercialized and has to do with a religion I care nothing about (read: any religion that doesn't involve Sithrak), but that also means I simply don't care enough to get my manties in a knot over it.

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    1. No this is the pilot for our new tv show but you're close. And apparently people get super hella mad about Christmas but so far we've only ever seen it on clickbait news sites and never once in person so it feels more like sensationalism than a real thing.

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  6. I just hit Publish and see Alex beat me to it. However, I still say... WTH???

    As for the war on Christmas... I think people get all bent over the wrong things. For example, the stupid person who went ballistic on Starbucks about the cups. To that I say, pick your battles, people. That wasn't even close to being something worth fighting about... and most everyone else agreed, since my social media was lit up with people saying they didn't care about the cups.

    I think it's fair to say there's a war on Christ, but then that's not news. That guy started causing trouble the moment he got here. He ran all around the Middle East stirring the pot. Of course, the pot was running pretty hot before he got started. The point is, it's always been hot, and I don't see it cooling anytime soon.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm still not convinced that Starbucks cup hater was a real person. Imagine if it was just an elaborate ploy by Starbucks to sell more coffee. Well, it worked. I have yet to meet any Christian, even the stick in the mud kind, that was even mildly offended by that stupid cup.

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  7. lol but but there is still a Santa Claus for Canadians. A part of his ear landed up here and some Eskimo riding a polar bear rescued it. Then he grew Santa back in the polar bears stomach like some chia pet and Santa burst forth a few days later. Can't believe you missed that part.

    Who knew Jesus could really catch a wave.

    Ridiculous the things people get offended over.

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    1. Santa pulled a chest burster and exploded out of a polar bear in a torrent of blood? Man, I'm gonna beat myself up forever for missing that. At least remind me when Rudolph is ready to go. I hear they found his red nose, and grew it inside a moose, and well, that's gonna be especially awesome. Like one of those Russian nesting dolls, but in reverse.

      Delete
  8. Thanks for showing us what a REAL war on Christmas would look like. I suspected it might look like that. If I were to rage a one man war it would look a lot like that, especially the electric nipple clamps. Nice touch! If I lived where you do, though, I would likely be too stoned to care what day it was. Pass the Doritos™.

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    1. Around here I'm surprised people can even remember to celebrate Christmas on actual Christmas Day.

      "Man, Christmas is gonna be great tomorrow."
      "Dude, it's July."
      "Then why did I get all these presents?"
      "That's just more weed."
      "This is gonna be the best Christmas ever."

      Delete
  9. This is one of the most beautiful stories you've ever posted. Nah seriously. The war on Christmas is pretty damn stupid. When people were bitching about the red Christmas cups my reactions were threefold;
    1. You're actually this outraged?
    2. Dude red IS a Christmas colour. Santa is red.
    3. Bro take your business elsewhere. Costa has Christmas themed cups.

    It's as simple as that. If you're outraged that someone isn't being christmassy enough then deal with someone who is. When people actually encroach on your rights and try and take away your tree then you can be upset. The puritans, now those bastards waged a real war on Christmas.

    Oh and Surfer Jesus is my favourite Jesus.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. B&B:
      I love the manner in which you have explained the REAL Christmas behind that "other" one.
      Well done...LOL.
      SO much carnage.

      And while my thoughts on Christmas would definitely make heads explode, that's MY preference.
      I don't try to take the LACK of Christmas from atheists or other-faithed religious folk.
      To the heathen among us...MERRY CHRISTMAS anyway.
      Enjoy it (and deal with it)

      Wonder what the new "alternative" substitute for COAL will be, considering Obummer's stance on FOSSIL FUELS.

      Gonna need a BIGGER stocking to fit that damn 300 ft tall windmill with those 120 ft blades, that's for sure...heh.

      Have a fantastic Christmas to you AND your families.
      Stay safe out there, guys.

      Delete
    2. Mark - I'm offended by that red cup because the outrage over its outrage is leaving me in an outrage. I swear, my FB news feed was clogged with that garbage for days.

      Bob - I was bad this year so Santa just had Elon Musk shit in my stocking. What a dick.

      Delete
  10. I think this whole war on Christmas is really ridiculous. I mean I live in Italy which is mainly a catholic country so there really isn't a "Christmas war" going on here but I mean I just don't get getting offended by another religion's holiday. I'm a roman catholic but I would never get offended if someone wished me a Happy Hanukkah for example. It really is just absurd. MERRY CHRISTMAS to you guys!

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    1. We don't get it either. I love when a Jewish friend wishes me a Happy Hanukkah. It's a gesture of kindness. Now if someone wishes me a Happy Kwanzaa, though, FUCK THAT GUY.

      Delete
    2. Oh Moses, this comment made me laugh uncontrollably. Thank you. Thank you.

      Delete
  11. I'm with Silvana Joanne. That comment hits the nail right on the head. Have a blessed Christmas!

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    1. What do you mean blessed? Are you implying neither of us are blessed? That we're heathens? Filthy, disgusting animals? Oh, you self righteous piece of shjust kidding you have a blessed Christmas too.

      Delete
  12. Daddammit, that picture of Surfer Jesus should replace all the devotional art in all churches everywhere right NOW! Have a wonderful Christmas, you blasphemous apostates!

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    1. Why, that's the sweetest thing anyone's ever called us without dousing us in a cloud of fire. You have a wonderful Christmas, too!

      Delete
  13. Merry Christmas and stop smoking whatever you're smoking out there in Colorado. Way, way out there!

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    1. Merry Christmas! We don't need weed to see the demons out here, man. They just come to us naturally.

      Delete
  14. Goodness knows if I send my husband's aunt and cousins a card that says Happy Holidays instead of Merry Christmas, it's a war! Have a very happy Christmas, guys. :) (We're doing Festivas with friends this year!)

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    1. Next year you should send them a Festivus card with a picture of your family around the Festivus pole and let them truly flip out. You have a happy Christmas too!

      Delete
  15. Because only crazy people live in Kentucky (or at least the parts I've lived in) I wrote about it last week. The town I grew up literally picketed the board office over a Christmas play.

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    1. Oh, so THAT'S where the dumbfuckery is all mass produced. It makes sense now. And all of this over A Charlie Brown Christmas. That's amazing. The second most non-offensive comic in existence (second only to the terribly unfunny G-rated Family Circus) offended someone. Bravo.

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    2. I spend a lot of time thinking I'm being punked. There is no way people can really be like this. Last week I actually had a friend post he didn't leave a tip because his waitress said happy holidays instead of merry Christmas

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    3. Wait, she did? THAT FUCKING THUNDERCUNT.

      (No, but seriously, wtf?)

      Delete
  16. This is so freakin' awesome. I would love to decorate my house with surfer Santa and blown off nosed Rudolph.

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    1. Pro tip: blood spatter made from felt really accentuates any wall.

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  17. Hilarious! People need to chill.

    Have a great Christmas, guys! Stay safe.

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    1. You have a great Christmas, too! No guarantee of safety, though. That's half the fun.

      Delete
  18. Oh my Moses, this was as outrageously clever and funny as it was a therapeutic read. I am so Moses damn sick of people shouting "Merry Christmas" because they aren't supposed to say it because there's a war on Christmas. I wish they'd shut the f*k up and keep their balls and tinsel to themselves. I don't want to touch any of it. If they refuse to say "Happy Holidays" of "Happy Hanukah" to me, because it takes one extra syllable and a bit of sensitivity, I remind them that Jesus was a Middle Eastern Jewish guy* who never celebrated Xmas either.

    *I laughed through this as usual (right now, as you know, I really need the laughter, so it's very much appreciated), but loudest at the quip about Jesus being White. Duh.

    Thanks. And thanks for your kind words on my blog.

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    1. Ugh, last time someone wished me a Happy Holidays I pushed them into traffic and stomped their face into paste. And if that 75 year old woman's mouth ever recovers, well, maybe she'll say "Merry Christmas" next time around like Moses intended.

      Delete
  19. Elf W. Bush is a scary thought! We're going to see Star Wars on Friday.

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    1. "If the usher says something bullshit and generic like 'Happy Holidays' and doesn't tell us 'May the force be with you' I'm going to be sooo outraged."

      Delete
  20. Is this a major motion picture? If benghazi is a major motion picture, this should totally be one too.

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    1. It's not, but I'm willing to bet our post is about as historically accurate as that movie's gonna be.

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  21. A war on Christmas... a war on Christians... and let's not forget that ever-lovin' war on women. Sheesh. The only war that's being waged in our country is that vicious assault on common sense.

    I hope you guys and your families enjoy a wonderful Christmas, and all the best in the new year.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Don't forget the war on drugs and the war on body shaming. With all of these wars it's a miracle we haven't just nuked ourselves off the map.

      You and yours have a great Christmas and New Year as well!

      Delete
  22. The war is real, my forefathers died in that war. Except it happened many centuries ago when Christians trampled over my pagan ancestors, renamed their holiday, and made them convert or die at the hands of their swords and spears.

    True story.

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    1. My ancestors owned slaves and stole the Native Americans' land from them so I can believe that. Also, people are inherently shitty. What's up with that, anyway?

      Delete
  23. Why is everyone anti - Christmas? and why do we always have to be PC...Merry Christmas! ohh...I said it and not Happy Holiday or Seasons Greetings..haha...are you sure you guys don't dream up this stuff?

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    1. That would be nice, to wake up and find that political correctness was just a bad dream. But no, it's more like a living nightmare. Happy Kwanzaa! ...or whatever.

      Delete
  24. Woo-Hoo! It's "the Second Coming" of Surfin' Jesus.

    Catch a wave
    and you're sittin' on top with the Sav--
    ior.

    "Elf W. Bush, Daddamn, General Jesus H. Christ" ...HA! The only guy you forgot was my gardener, Haysooz from Veracruz.

    My kingdom for a mug of Cerveza Chilebeso!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. You know, I like that Surfin' Jesus. As his friends say, he's pretty bodacious. He's not anything like that bogus Tapdancing version that my grandpa used to like to yell angrily about.

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  25. I had a whole "war on Christmas" thing the other day... At the time, I was determined to remember it, but, well, that determination obviously didn't stick because...
    Wait... What was I saying?

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    1. So you had a thought regarding the war on Christmas or you just wanted to have an actual war on Christmas? Because as Future President Donald J. Trump™ would tell it, Isis has got you beat by a mile.

      Delete
  26. What? It might be a major faux pas to try and ban Christmas. I think kids might go on the rampage or at least a protest in our current times. Consider all the industries and businesses that would be affected. . . What excuse would be used for having the same number of days off work if we don't have Christmas holidays?

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    1. I just don't think big business would allow that. Christmas spending alone is the largest economic stimulus in the U.S. every year. "Pssh, who cares about that Jesus guy? I just want my millions of dollars of sales." - every large business ever

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  27. Poor Rudolph, but who wouldn't want to hang loose with Surfin' Jesus and his lovable lamb! Sounds like a wonderful children's cartoon that's not really meant for children, but that's okay. Bryan and Brandon, you are consistently funny and clever which is no easy task. Thanks for providing endless entertainment, and "Deck The Halls With Matzo Balls!" I didn't say those two little words you loathe, but the sentiment is there.

    Julie

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    1. Hey, thanks! And what two words that we hate? "No beer"? "She's pregnant"? "Justin Bieber"?

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  28. Christ is white! That's where me and my Atheist League of Christian Corruptors went wrong! We were so close. So close. Maybe next year we'll start by kidnapping Kirk Cameron to draw Jesus out of hiding.
    I always love when people have such a tenuous grip on their beliefs that they're worried about nonsense like "keep Christ in Christmas!" Was anyone really looking to change it to "Santamas?"

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    1. "But Dad, WHY do we celebrate Christmas? That's such a weird name. What does it have to do with Santa delivering us presents?"
      "Dammit Billy, stop asking questions. You don't need to know."
      "What is a 'Christ' anyway?"
      "I told you that word is outlawed in this house, you little shit. Go to your room."

      Delete
    2. What! Christ is white?! Like... Snow White? Man... this year sucks on day 1.

      Delete
    3. We said blue-eyed, blond-haired but what we really meant what blue skinned. He was one of you, Blue. Why else do you think they treated him like such a weirdo?

      Delete
  29. Long time no comment. Just wanted to pop in and say HEY. Missed you guys. Wishing you all the best this season.

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    1. Hey, good to hear from you! We've missed you too. So HEY back, and Merry Christmas/Happy New Year/all that jazz.

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  30. That's the best Christmas story ever! Have a very merry Chris - tmas!

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    1. Thanks! You have a merry Chris... tmas as well!

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  31. Oh brother this goes hand in hand with your last post about making war on something and then forgetting about it. I make sure to say Merry Christmas to everyone and if they have an issue with it, it's their issue and they need to smarten up. I am loving this every moment from my Christmas tree to St. Nicholas to my nativity scene. I watch every Christmas movie that i like(that means no Stella McCarthy or is that Sheila..oh well). What I can't figure out is when did the Sound of Music become a Christmas movie? Oh well, nothing says Christmas better than Nuns, Summer and nazis

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    1. I hope your nativity includes a surf board. Mine sure does. And around here, we don't watch the Sound of Music, but I'll watch the hell out of A Christmas Story every year. Now THAT'S a Christmas movie! Uh, I mean nondenominational winter holiday. No, wait, no I don't. Fuck that.

      Delete
    2. My Christmas village has the local whore house that I painted pink and purple and it is called The Cathouse. I also have a bum laying on the bench-every Christmas village should have this. Merry Christmas! I meant every word-all 2 of them:)

      Delete
  32. Not even going to comment on 'the war on Christmas'; are you kidding me?

    What I am going to do it to wish the two of your and your sweet wives the Merriest Christmas possible and a Most Joyous New Year filled with possibilities.

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    1. Are we kidding? We never kid. We're two very serious gentlemen in expensive loafers and very thick sweater vests. And we wish you a non-offensively festive winter holiday as well, madam.

      Delete
    2. -->... Not even going to comment on 'the war on Christmas'; are you kidding me?

      Meaning you think there isn't one, or you know there is one?

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  33. Merry Trekmas and happy New Year comrades.

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    1. Thanks, comrade! And may the force also be with you.

      Delete
  34. This is hilarious! And rather excessive :p anyway, happy Xmas and have a great new year, ya filthy animals!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll have you know I bathed just last month. But thanks, and you too!

      Delete
  35. Too funny. Hope you both have a Merry Christmas.

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  36. The Grinch would still be around if the bastard's heat hadn't grown at the end of the book in the first place.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Notoriety: it can elevate you to fame, and it can also put a target over your (small, blackened) heart.

      Delete
  37. OMG I just spent my holidays with relatives who fervently believe there is a WAR ON CHRISTMAS. Gah. People. [shakes fist]

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    1. "It's only gotten worse, you see. Next year we'll be lucky if there even IS a Christmas. Five years from now, people won't even remember what it was."

      Delete
  38. It's my end of the year post to all the bloggers I know and love! Especially those who make me wonder if I really SHOULD take beer to the shower.

    Thanks for your hard work, great posts, and bloggy friendship. Wishing you all the best in 2016 from "the Flipside."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The answer is that you always should, but we can't hold it against you for questioning it, especially if you butter us up with words (we're partial to those). Thanks for your own awesome posts, your fun BOTBs, and your bloggy friendship, and may your own 2016 be a craft beer among Coors Lights.

      Delete
  39. This is great stuff, fellas. Deep, too.

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    1. Thanks, Blue. We hope the holidays are treating you well. Not sure if you saw, but we honored you and your snazzy Ted Baker suit in a recent post (and a few folks noticed) since you always drop us into yours.

      Delete
    2. I'll have a look. The holidays have been keeping me from stopping by. May this year be a good one for you.

      Delete
    3. I'll have a look. The holidays have been keeping me from stopping by. May this year be a good one for you.

      Delete
  40. This is great stuff, fellas. Deep, too.

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  41. I agree. People totally over-reacted about this war on Christmas thing. Seriously. I hope you guys had a good one, and that 2016 will be awesome for you both.

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  42. That was the most bizarre way to make the most reasonable point. I'm not offended by Merry Christmas or Happy Holidays. I'm pro taking every holiday on the calendar off. Why ban when we can be inclusive?

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    1. Noooo, don't take away the holidays. I say we just celebrate them all. Who doesn't want 30 days off per year just for holidays? 8 days off for Hanukkah? You bet!

      Delete
  43. The war on Christmas is just a shaming of people who focus on religious aspects of life. No one minds the commercial portions.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. People can shame and hate all they want but religion isn't going anywhere any time soon.

      Delete
  44. I am a big believer in Festivus.
    I've also been reading up on the Flying Spaghetti Monster. The Michigan state capitol actually had a statue up for the holidays. Very inspiring.

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    1. I'm a big believer in Festivus as well. I don't like to brag but no one's been able to pin me, three years running.

      Delete
  45. My daughter would love this post. She loves Christmas, but hates all the symbolism that has been built around it. As a child, she made it her mission to destroy her classmates beliefs in Santa Claus and other related beliefs.

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    1. Yeah, symbolism is just the worst. We had to find symbolism in those horrible required reads in high school, and it was beyond miserable.

      Delete