Monday, November 2, 2015

The Idiot's Travel Guide to Colorado

The secret is out: Colorado is awesome, as evidenced by the fact that people are moving here in droves. So as two born-and-raised Colorado natives, we feel it's our duty to not only welcome you newcomers but to also show the rest of you potential transplants what you're missing out on.

Most people think of Colorado and think skiing and weed, but we have so much more than that. So here are the best things Colorado has to offer that you probably won't find in any "guide books."

Come see our hookers!

Fun fact for you: Denver is home to the longest continuing street in the US: Colfax Avenue. And despite its ridiculous length (stretching across multiple cities) you can easily buy crack cocaine on any given block. Awesome, right? But the fun doesn't stop there. No, it's famously lined end to end with hookers, especially on the East and West ends, where the clapboard motels reign king and the ex-cons lay their sleepy heads at night between buying $5 parking lot blowjobs.




Come see our radiated wilderness!

No trip to Colorado is complete without a visit to Rocky Flats. Sure, it used to be a Federal dumping ground for nuclear waste, and the wildlife in the area may have a few more appendages than you're used to seeing, but this four-square-mile section of Colorado history has been really cleaned up! While the majority of the land is a nature preserve, home to genetically resilient animals of all types, the entire area is surrounded by... new housing developments! So bring your kids. Bring your cousins. Hell, bring Grandma! Because there's plenty of room for expansion surrounding this little piece of history. And plenty of toxic runoff for everyone!




Come see ze missiles at NORAD!

What the hell is a "NORAD", you ask? Good question! Go Google it, you lazy bastard. We don't have all the answers. But we can tell you that NORAD is a top-secret government military base set deep in Cheyenne Mountain. And all you need to know is that if there's ever a nuclear war, you needn't bother with anything as silly as 'doomsday prepping' because NORAD will be at the top of the list for being blown to smithereens by North Korea's impressive bottle-rocket nukes. Yolo, bitches!

Come see our quarterback!

It's a natural landmark and a goddamn national treasure, and it's visible from 30 miles outside of Denver. No, we're not talking about the Rocky Mountains, we're talking about Peyton Manning's forehead! Come see everyone's favorite Indianapolis Colt Denver Bronco throw the football while having a debilitatingly football shaped head. And steel plates in his neck. He's like our own personal Frankenstein, just shambling toward the goal line for our amusement.



Come see our weird ass art!

If you like unnecessarily gigantic art that makes absolutely no sense, then Colorado is for you. Stop by and see Blucifer, the blue demon horse with glowing red eyes that's perched awkwardly outside of our airport. Fun fact: during construction, he actually fell on and crushed his creator, Luis JimĂ©nez, to death! So don't look Blucifer directly in the eyes, or you're next, bitch!


After you let Blucifer haunt your soul, be sure and see our tall pile of yellow blocks which are visible from the highway. You know you've officially arrived in Denver when someone points out the window and asks, "What the fuck is that?"

It's art, you heathen. Get some damn culture.


Don't forget to also see the weird giant bear that's watching you masturbate...


The giant pile of beans...


And of course, the enormous anorexic dancers on acid.


Come see crotchety old conservatives and foul smelling hippies!

No trip to Colorado is complete without a trip to colorful Colorado Springs. Just to clarify, by colorful, we mean the mountains, not the people. In the land of Focus on the Family and supergigantomegachurches galore, you'll be hard pressed to find either heathens or brown people.

And if you want the complete polar opposite experience, take a short trip up north to Boulder where you can see what a mountainside hippie commune looks like. Pungently offensive body odor masked by equally pungently offensive patchouli? Check. White people with dreadlocks? Check. Vegan, gluten-free, organic, free-range bakeries where the containers taste better than the pastry? You bet your ass.

And if you're truly lucky enough, you can even see these two magnanimous personalities collide.


So, when can we expect your next visit to Colorado, land of mutated, weed smoking hippie hookers and gigantic, murderous demon horses?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: The Epilogues
Beer: Upslope Craft Lager


124 comments:

  1. I really hope that demon horse isn't anatomically correct...
    Manning actually had a good game last night. He needed that.
    Giant pile of beans. I'll just pretend it's a pile of Hot Tamales.

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    1. No one's ever gotten close enough to the demon horse to find out. Well, correction - the only guy who did got killed. We don't like those odds.

      And don't get us wrong, we love the hell out of Manning. And the Broncos. But that doesn't change the fact that he himself looks like an angry, mutated horse.

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  2. I love Colorado! It's a gorgeous state! But I wouldn't live there. My brother loves to say how it snows but "it melts the next day." Whatever. He's constantly telling me how many sunny days there are verses rainy days but conveniently leaves out all those snowy days. Hmmm.

    We talked about that creepy ass horse on my last visit. I asked him about the red eyes. He had no idea why they were red. We agreed that it was from all the weed (despite how long it'd been there.)

    But hey, while the east coast has the beach - you guys have mountains to hike in and that was awesome!! I had a blast in Colorado Springs.

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    1. Do what my uncle does. He lives here in summer and then in Vegas in the winter. That would be ideal. The snow isn't so bad... in November and December. Every year is pretty much a 60 degree, shorts and sandals kind of Christmas. It's February through April where the snow is relentless, tall enough to bury you, and does NOT melt the next day. More like the next month.

      And hey, Colorado Springs is a ton of fun as long as you stick to the beautiful naturey parts and not the inner city. My cousin's been shot there! (We'll have to take you on a tour. Sound fun?)

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    2. I'll just live with my brother part-time. I'm sure he'd love that! hehehe Why am I having a hard time believing you about Christmas time…doesn't sound like what John Denver sang about.

      Umm, that was not the Colorado Springs I experienced at all. Maybe I went someplace else entirely. Cave of the Winds and Garden of the Gods - beautiful!! Not mudery at all.

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  3. You're being generous when you say that when I think of Colorado I think of anything outside of weed. That's the problem with being the first state to legalize weed (I know, Washington, you both tied for first) it attracts way too many white people with dreadlocks. Your best hope is for national legalization. Little did I know Colorado had so much else to offer! Is there room for another practically useless stoner?

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    1. There's always room for more useless stoners. That's pretty much what Boulder was founded on.

      You know, the funny part is that those white people with dreadlocks have been in Boulder for eons. Legalization really didn't matter to them, because those folks were getting baked with such regularity anyway, legal or not. Last we had heard, CU Boulder was the #1 party school in the nation... anyone surprised?

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  4. I love the bear. I also rather like the horse. I don't remember where it was but have you seen the statue of a giant dog cocking his leg against a building. Right up your street. We have a statue downtown which looks like a giant dog turd. Another near by has been christened the rusty bucket. I don't think I will be visiting Colorado any time soon.

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    1. The dog statue - is it this one? http://www.ocregister.com/articles/dog-496103-museum-art.html Apparently it's rigged to spray yellow paint. How wonderfully weird.

      And hey, you may not want to come see the pile of beans or the stack of yellow blocks, but I definitely want to see a dog turd and a rusty bucket. That's just the Coloradan in me, I guess.

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    2. Yup, that's the one. I had forgotten about the yellow paint though. I thought it was hilarious. I keep meaning to take pix of our local "art" - it isn't on the internet for some reason!!

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  5. Wow, Colorado offers more than I had ever expected of America. Pretty surprised they have some damn culture!

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    1. Kidding aside, Colorado has a ton of culture. We have more than just hipsters. We have actual art districts, the most craft beer output in the nation, and our streets are not yet full of garbage like New York. It's a pretty fantastic place to live.

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  6. I will be having nightmares about Blucifer. I didn't know you guys had so much to offer. I always thought it was murdered child beauty queens, football, and weed. Which is still an improvement over Kentucky. We only have basketball, horses, and homophobic, self righteous, county clerks.

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    1. Oh wow we had forgotten about Jon Benet. You know, that actually all happened in Boulder, which was especially weird and why everyone thought it was the parents. I mean, why would a town full of dreadlocked hippies kill a random girl?

      (Don't forget Columbine. That was us too)

      And hey, don't forget moonshine. We hear you guys have some killer moonshine. The kind that's so strong it could strip the paint off a wall.

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    2. We had one years before Columbine. It happened the next county over. But he only killed 2 people. The western part of the state had one too. I didn't do my research we may be the only state with two school shootings. Oh Moonshine how could I forget. I am a big fan of lemonade flavor. A moonshine hangover is so different from any other kind of hangover. Its actually easier to handle. I just saw on the news last week that the University of Kentucky is suing Kentucky Mist Moonshine for copyright infringement because they want to use the Kentucky Mist logo on shirts and UK doesn't want them to be allowed to use the word Kentucky on clothing. The logos look NOTHING alike.

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    3. You know you live in a backwards state when someone tries to prevent the public use of an entire state's name. Well, that and your county clerk.

      We have a friend that lives in Kentucky, and whenever she goes she always brings us back moonshine. I'd love to try lemonade. So far I've just tried strawberry and peach, and both were VERY dangerous. Like, I could willingly give myself alcohol poisoning with this and die with a smile on my face.

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  7. I have only been to Colorado a few times but it looks like I missed all the good stuff!

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    1. Next time you're this way let us know and we'll give you the full experience. All the craft beer you can drink, enough weird art to burn out your retinas, and a tour of the most beautiful mountains you've ever seen. Plus your avatar implies you might like hitting up the weed shops.

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    2. Believe it or not, while I am very much in favor of legalized marijw....mairjhu...legalized pot, I have not touched a bud since graduation night of high school.

      But of all the silly things our country is uptight about, that, to me, is the silliest.

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  8. There have been stories on the local news down here in Texas that homeless people are moving to Colorado for the pot.

    That doesn't make a lot of sense, because I'm not sure why homeless people would be more prone to moving 800 miles away than anyone else. Especially as my understanding is that the legal pot is more expensive than the stuff everyone down here is smoking now...

    But it was on the news, so I'm assuming they don't just start insulting the homeless without good reason...

    I might have to take a trip up there myself, now that I know there are prostitutes and giant flying spiders.

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    1. Do lesbians enjoy gummies? I guess we'd never thought about it, but that doesn't sound like it adds to that particular experience.

      And you're dead on. If homeless Texans are moving here, they're going to be in for a rude surprise when they find out they're paying up to $250 an ounce for the "good" stuff. Don't forget tax. But hey, maybe that's why they're homeless. If I jumped states just to buy weed that cost more than what I pay for groceries I'd probably be poor and without home too.

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  9. The only thing I knew about Colorado is that it's the place South Park is set. Maybe that's why you guys keep getting new people coming in droves. It sounds like a great place to live. If you like hookers. And drugs. And hippies. And giant blue horses.

    Which personally I love. Giant blue horses that is. No matter how strange and demonic they look. That it's killed someone just makes it cooler.

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    1. Wow, you're like the thug of the art world. "You killed a guy? You alright." That's gangsta as fuck, Mark.

      Also, Trey Parker and Matt Stone put so much Colorado humor into that cartoon. It's funny by itself, but if you're not from Colorado, you're missing some great hometown gems they like to throw in there from time to time.

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  10. Damn I can't believe I missed all of that fantastic art the one and only time I went skiing in Vail. Sure would have been a helluva lot cheaper to check out some culture 'cause I think a cheeseburger and a hot chocolate cost 27 bucks back in 2001. But, it was freakin' awesome! The best mountains, snow and skiing EVAH!

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    1. Is it weird I've lived my whole life here and never skied? Then again, I've never been able to afford a $27 cheeseburger, so you can see why I stick to the weird art district.

      Vail is its own experience. The only time we were there was for a writer's retreat, and some of the agents/editors asked us to find them weed. You know, because we young hoodlums could do that.*

      *We did, but that's beside the point

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  11. I want to see all those works of art come alive and rampage through the city. (You know, like that Simpsons episode when Homer stole that giant donut?) Blucifer would rule... if he doesn't already.

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    1. Blucifer would hold his own, but don't take "eavesdropping bear" too lightly. He knows all of our secrets, and therefore all of our weaknesses!

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  12. B&B:
    LMAO - Okay, so WHEN do you guys sign on as the chief writers/publicists for the Colorado Bureau of Tourism?
    Sounds like you hit this one OUT of the park (and into the toxic waste dump).

    I have never heard(or seen) a BETTER representation of what your state is all about.
    Sadly, it was not ALWAYS like that.

    Guess liberalism DOES have it's place.
    Damn shame it HAD to settle in the formerly unspoiled state of Colorado.
    (Well, it IS closer to the "Socialist Republik of Kalifornia")

    Very well crafted and explained.
    (So much clarity, even a caveman could figure it out. Oh,wait...I think that was just another hippie).

    Great post...funny as hell w/ the cartoons.
    (could even become a travelogue - make a nice holiday DVD)
    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. The holiday DVD gives me an idea. Has anyone created a travel show where they exclusively show you the weird/messed up stuff in a state? If not, we need to corner the market on that. Travel Channel - call us!

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  13. No wonder you have to drink beer . . . LOL Thanks for umm, making Colorado so enticing o_O

    Nah, kidding aside, the uniqueness would make for interesting pictures! Now I know the fun stuff to find when I'm there, and most importantly I now know not to offer anyone any gummy, especially without the "bear" attached to it. (I was like "gummy"? hahaha took a minute to get, man I need coffee lol)

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    1. It's true, we drink to forget things like "gummy". You poor, sweet, innocent soul. Sorry to have tainted you. Next lesson for you: the rusty trombone.

      We may or may not have once witnessed a saggy old hooker giving a guy a "gummy" in the parking lot behind a place we went to eat. In broad daylight. Colfax is great.

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    2. Hahahah I totally looked it up! *dying*

      NY isn't any better . . . I once witnessed an old man handling his business right outside of my window—next to my desk. It was around 11am. And no, it wasn't to me, it was one-sided view, so he was pretty much looking at himself while doing it. I also had to call maintenance to clean up after o_O

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    3. I'd almost be offended by that. "What, I'm not good enough for you? You'd rather look at yourself?" What a jerk!

      But hey, at least you had someone to call about that. Living in a house without maintenance means I'd be out there in my best biohazard suit with a mop that was surely going in the dumpster after. You just can't keep that kind of cleaning utensil around the house once it's been soiled by a guy's nasty manjuice.

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  14. I think I told you that I spent a summer in Colorado when I was in college. That was probably before you were born. Or maybe you guys were toddlers. Yikes. I'm depressing myself.

    I remember visiting Boulder and Colorado Springs. I also remember one crazy Saturday night we spent trying to get into a bar (no, we weren't 21), but we got a tip about a bar that didn't card. Turns out it was a gay bar. Hahaha. What was really funny was that it was an OLD gay bar. From there we got a recommendation for another bar... younger. And still gay. Hahahaha. That was one crazy night. But they were right... we didn't get carded. I can't remember where we were this night, because we did stuff every Sunday afternoon as a group all over the state. Usually involving a state park. But, the bar thing was probably in Boulder.

    Obviously I missed all of the really fun stuff while I was there. I didn't drive down Colfax just to check out the hookers. Didn't stay in a pay by the hour motel. Didn't see the blue horse. Didn't visit the dump. And I didn't get high. But, I can still sing the jingle for The Post that played on the radio. Now that's *something*.

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    1. I don't even think WE remember that jingle. That's awesome. You know, if you ever find yourself back in Colorado, we'll take you on a tour. No gay bars, though. I've been to plenty of those thanks to my brother-in-law, and they like me just a little bit TOO much there. Like one time, an employee told me he wanted to show me a magic trick, so he asked me to raise both my arms over my head. Then when I did, he ripped my shirt off. I wasn't even mad. That was pretty damn clever.

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  15. Crap. I missed out during my short stint at the Denver airport last year. All I saw was beautiful snow-capped mountains. How'd I miss Peyton's forehead. (That bit's hysterical.) The only thing more disturbing than Lucifer is that they kept building him after he murdered the creator.

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    1. I imagine the murder-horse threatened them telepathically and they had no choice but to finish him or suffer his wrath. And you actually missed out a lot at DIA. You wouldn't believe the amount of conspiracy theories people have about that place.

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    2. Just read through that - very enlightening and eerie, especially the runway. Nothing subtle about its design. Sure am glad I was focused on the fudge and caramel apples and pretty snow capped mountains, thinking "BnB live in a nice place." Ignorance is blissful.

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  16. I feel like I've seen the demon horse before. Which made since at first since I have been to the Denver airport...until I realized I was only outside to go to my plane.
    Also, why the hell do you get snow at the end of April? I left Arizona in full our summer clothes and y'all had 12 inches of snow. Strongly regretted that decision.

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    1. You've probably seen him in your nightmares. He's always lurking in the background, even if you don't know he's there. Just look for the glowing red eyes. Don't make eye contact though, or he'll shred your soul to pieces.

      People think that Colorado snows all the time. It doesn't. It only consistently snows in March and April, and when it does, it snows its ASS off. Like 2 feet. Makes no sense at all.

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  17. So Colorado's version of art is to just make big ass things and stick them in the open? A peeping tom bear beats a murdering demon horse though. It always looks so nice in the few movies I've seen. Cheyenne mountain has the stargate too, they say it's just a broom closet, but you can't trust "they" one bit. I won't need to go all that way for a hooker though, we got two streets here I can get one one. Double the fun? Yours may last longer though.

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    1. I don't know, we have 26 solid miles of hookers. That's a LOT of herpes. Enough to probably kill a man by mile 3.

      Also, I stopped trusting "they" a long time ago, ever since "they" said things like being out in the cold will give you a cold and bacon gives you cancer.

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  18. As soon as I win the Lotto I'm there!

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  19. I really considered living there at one time in the area around Salida on down to Silver Cliff. Just couldn't quite pull it off. Now that weed is legal there is a bit more motivation, but I am going to visit some friends in Berthoud in the spring. Did anyone figure out how to get more water, yet?

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    1. Wow, Silver Cliff. Population 500 and the cliffs are definitely not silver. I don't think we could live there either. Also, we're now getting our water straight from the Coors processing plant in Golden. Turns out they make canned water called "Coors Light." Odd name for h2o, but plants love it. So do rednecks.

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    2. Wasn't their motto something like, "It's water"?

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    3. I can't find it on YouTube but about 10 years ago they actually had commercials where they were talking about how Coors Light is made with pure Rocky Mountain spring water. Which I don't doubt. They just forgot to add the beer on top of it. Common mistake, I'm sure.

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  20. I knew there was going to be something up with that dog when the rest of the picture was revealed, but the tentacles, the hoofs, and the pine tree with ankles and feet were a bonus. Nicely played.

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    1. ...and the third eye and extra set of arms. Almost missed those!

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    2. Now I'm gonna go back and add some more things to really trip you out. "What? Those were there the whole time. Don't tell me the radiation's getting to you, too."

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  21. My son was one of the golf pros at the Broadmoor for a few years so we visited your beautiful state a few times. We could never afford to stay at the Broadmoor.... I can't wait to share your post with him.

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    1. Wow, good for him! He must be quite the pro. That place is swaaaanky. I don't think the two of us could even afford to step foot in there. Not in good conscience. Like, this would basically be us.

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  22. I wonder if there is a joke in Colorado that goes something like this-"So a demonic red-eyed horse and a Bear walk into a bar full of toothless hookers"... Actually the horse looks like it is well sculpted but the tail in the back part makes it look like it has a "bushy" area. That the artist died by it's own creation is just...weird. I find the bear quite funny. In Toronto, there are just moose here and there. As for the pile of beans...Is there a sculpture of a man blowing some farts? Maybe there was supposed to be but the fart was so smelly it killed the artist. In Ottawa, in front of the Art Museum, there is some gigantic spider which is supposed to represent motherhood. If I was a mother, I would be insulted

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    1. That joke doesn't even need to have a punchline to be funny. As for the beans, maybe we just need to put this work of "art" in front of it. That would make a lot more sense.

      Also, didn't you know? Like a spider, women are bristly, evoke fear in all men, and eat their young. But really, who thought that was a good way to represent motherhood?

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    2. OMG! That is too funny about that "work of art" I agree, it would make a lot more sense. I think the woman who made the spider sculpture was bringing her hidden Norman Bates personality to life

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  23. Well, Looks like Aussa from aussalorens.com moved to the right place. she's a hacker, ninja, hooker and spy. Occasionally a flasher too! She could probably use this timely resourceful guide. she moved to colorado like last week. I should share this with her! I'll brb.

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    1. Well, she came to the right place for hookers! As for being a ninja, it's both easier and harder here. It's easy to hide in 2 feet of snow, but not so easy to move around in it. Also, watch out for frostbite. That could seriously hinder all of those things (especially flasher).

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    1. DON'T TAKE THIS AWAY FROM US IT'S ALL WE HAVE OUTSIDE OF WEED AND HOOKERS.

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  25. LOL My sister ad two of my brother's live in Colorado. The top-secret government military basethat everyone knows about...cool!

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    1. If only they offered super top-secret guided tours. I'd love to know how a missile is made. Or how to properly torture someone with jumper cables.

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  26. I haven't been here in forever, but someone just shared this with me on facebook BECAUSE I moved to Colorado last week. It is like we are in sync.

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    1. Well hey again! I hope the hookers are treating you well and that you haven't yet been trampled by the demon horse.

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  27. That yellow sculpture looks like a big pile of mcdonalds fries. Is that how the mcdonalds logo looks out west? I'll take it.

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    1. A thousand foot tall stack of fries that can make you hungry from up to ten miles away. That's brilliant.

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  28. After this enchanting travelogue, I think I'll just stay in Texas - land of Bushes and Tex-Mex and Blue Bell Ice Cream. What doesn't kill you here, makes you stronger :)

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    1. But none of that is delicious Colorado green chile. And I'm okay without my Mex having any Tex in it. The ice cream, though... Very much yes.

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  29. Hey, I live in the Springs and am tan. ;) Also, Colfax is perfect for playing I Spy Pimps Hos n Blow. Try it some time. It's what i do with any company who want to visit Casa Bonita. Quality time, yo. I'm amused at the person above who doesn't believe what you said about Christmas being warm and March and April being snowmageddon. Also, my FIL, who was a Texas Conservative, always referred to Boulder as the Republic of Boulder. I've since heard other people doing so, so apparently it's a thing.

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    1. Oh yes, Casa Bonita was going to be an honorable mention. Maybe we'll have to have a part two. And I didn't know that Republic of Boulder was a thing either. Do hippies have republics? That just seems like a lot of work, man.

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  30. Weed? They voted against medical marijuana here in FL so I'm booking my flight now!! Lol.

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    1. What? Crazy ass Florida won't legalize weed? How the hell did we manage it, then?

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  31. OKAY FIRST OF ALL, every single building should have a giant peeping bear.

    I have no follow up.

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    1. Oh my god yes. We should spend so much tax money on this. This is why I'm not president.

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  32. Since I've never been on the ski slopes, and never will be, I didn't think your state held much attraction for me beyond the scenic beauty. Thanks to you guys, I now know better. There's so much more! That peeping bear alone is worth the trip, but I've gotta say, that yellow paint-spraying dog takes the cake. Can't say that I call it "art," but I do call it funny.

    Oh, and if you're looking for a new line of work, the Colorado Tourism Bureau sounds like a natural fit.

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    1. Now if only we could arrange a Godzilla-style fight in the city among these giants. Then the Tourism Bureau would hire us in a second. Or be crushed to death. Either is perfectly amusing.

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  33. I've been to Colorado a few times, and until my latest trip last August, I was all set to retire in Colorado Springs. Ya know, all those erect young Airman to gum. But lately I've changed my mind. No, its not the mutated flora and fauna that scares me (those extra appendages on an otherwise good looking Airman could be fun). Its the wine snobs. Why can't I buy wine at any convenience store on the corner? I walked half a mile to get a cheap bottle of wine at Target, and all they sell is Beer. Lots and lots of beer! Good luck locating a liquor store that has a reasonably priced cheep wine. The restaurant let me take my expensive bottle of wine back to the hotel room, but they were not happy.

    And that potpourri aroma? Eeew. Nothing masks that skunk smell of pot. My sinuses couldn't wait to get back on the plane.

    I did get a kick out of listening to all the stories about Blucifer though. Everyone has their own favorite version Like reading the Grave Shift anthology.

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    1. We'd write a story about ol' Blucifer if it didn't mean our imminent, brutal death. He's killed before. He'll kill again.

      And yeah, isn't that great? You can buy legal weed but you can't buy wine in the grocery store. Or good beer. It's actually a law. You won't find craft beer in any grocery store. You can only get that at the liquor store for a jacked up price. Seems you'll be able to buy a joint at Target before they let you buy a damn bottle of wine.

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  34. Aw Peyton, I knew him well...

    Or, umm, I once saw him leave a convenience store with a pack of Marlboro Reds.

    So where's my 15 minutes of fame??? Btw, I loved the vid last week!

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    1. What the what? Peyton smokes? That just can't be. Especially not playing at this altitude. Please tell me he was just being really, REALLY nice and getting them for someone else. Like... his 4 year old son? Fuuuuuck. Don't crush my dreams here. All kidding aside, we LIKE Peyton. And the Broncos.

      Oh, and that vid was especially fun because it was a genuine surprise. Told him, "Hey, you should check the back alley. Thought I saw some suspicious activity back there."

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  35. Colorado Springs!

    The locale of choice for that very cook A&E show "Homicide Hunter: Lt. Joe Kendra"!

    Amazon

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    1. Wow, I didn't even know that was a thing. It says "he's solved a lifetime of murders" and it's ran 5 seasons and countless episodes so far and all I can think is, "Yeah, that sounds like Colorado Springs."

      If the show had taken place in Pueblo, however, it would have been one episode and would have just been him getting shot in a drive by.

      Delete
  36. I lived in Colorado for about seventeen years, Breckenridge to be exact. YIKES! Now I've told you more abut myself than I ever intended.

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    1. Now we're gonna drive to Breckenridge and we're gonna find all the clues we can about you and WE WILL LEARN MORE ABOUT YOU.

      Delete
  37. Hookers and Hippies and Giant Soul-Crushing-Horse Sculptures? Oh my!

    I can tell that you guys have a real love for your home state. It's really heartwarming. I think I'll have to write up a guide for people who think they want to move to Utah...

    "Come live in Utah! We've got the worst drivers in the world!" (Seriously. I mean, I've lived here since I was four years old, I learned to drive here, and I know how bad it is!)

    "Come and enjoy our four seasons! Almost Winter, Winter, Hotter than Hell, and Construction!"

    "Come for the sulfur-y Lake Smell, Stay for the 'Who just farted?' Refinery Smell!" (That one is specifically for the Salt Lake area...)

    "Not enough haze and pollution where you live? Come to Utah, where we have multiple oil refineries, and there's always a nice, long inversion of air pressure that traps all of that hearty, polluted air inside its own lovely snow globe of death!"

    Oh yeah, they'll be coming here in droves.

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    Replies
    1. Oh wow, we're booking our next Salt Lake trip right now!

      But truly, I feel like Utah is our sister state. We have the worst drivers in the world too! B and I joke that even if we leave the house for 5 minutes to run to the grocery store, someone will invariably try to kill us via 4,000 lb death trap. It never fails, and it's no longer a joke. Our seasons are similar but just a little different - Construction, Construction, Winter Break, and Construction. And you'd better believe we have a few towns that smell like a 30 square mile burrito fart. Greeley and Commerce City both smell like sweltering death, even if you're just on a neighboring highway with your windows up. Hope you brought an air freshener or ten!

      Delete
    2. Oh yes. We're pretty much twin states, just on opposite sides of those fabulous Rocky Mountains. When's the next family reunion, by the way? It's been forever since we watched everyone's favorite Uncle State, Wyoming, get drunk and light his own pants on fire! Ha Ha Ha! Good times...

      I'm wondering if we could find a way to see just how bad the drivers in our respective states are. We should see if we can compare them, side by side.

      I smirked to myself when I read about people trying to kill you in the 5 minutes it takes to get to the grocery store. Just a few weeks ago, I was driving to the store, and I stopped at one of those STOP sign thingies. It was a 3-Way stop, and there was another car, stopped at one of the other signs, waiting to turn left. Since I got there a few moments after they did, I sat and waited for them to take their turn. Following basic driving etiquette, right? Well, apparently not, because after waiting for a few minutes, they started gesturing to me, as though I'd offended their great-great ancestors or something, and then they finally took their turn, flipping me off as they did so! I mean, seriously, why?!? Apparently in this state, following basic traffic laws makes you a jerk. Yeesh!

      I say we set up some sort of obstacle course. Let people from both states cut each other off, speed up as soon as they see that the person next to them is trying to change lanes or merge onto the freeway, and/or do that SUPER annoying thing that we like to call a "Utah Road Block" where multiple cars are going at just about the same speed, right next to each other, across all lanes of traffic on the freeway, with no discernible reason for doing so except that you're running late and the Universe is having a good laugh at your expense.

      Yep. We should definitely set this up.

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    3. Awww, we truly are related. Here we call that the Colorado Road Block.

      I'm all in favor of this obstacle course as long as none of us are directly involved. Maybe just observing from a guard tower 2 miles away with binoculars. That's truly the only safe distance.

      No one understands 3 or 4 way stops here either, but more in that they just don't stop. Behind my house is a very small plaza with a few shops. The people leaving that plaza onto the main road never look, ever, because it's a low traffic area, and they blow the stop sign. Makes sense, right? So about 2 months ago I left my house, got on this road, and this woman in a gigantic SUV comes barreling out of the parking lot, straight toward me, without even looking. I lay on the horn and swerve out of the way, and she, in a panic, throws the wheel so hard she hops up on one of those concrete islands and the bottom of her SUV just starts shooting sparks everywhere as she skids to a halt in a patch of rocks.

      This, within 30 seconds of leaving my house.

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    4. Yikes! I have to go at least 45 seconds away from my house before I encounter THAT level of idiocy. You must be in a high-idiocy area. Be careful out there, and make sure your horn is always operational!

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    5. At this point I'm just surprised I haven't punched a hole through my steering wheel column.

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    6. HAHAHAHAHA!!! If you ever do, please take a picture and post it for me. I'd get a good laugh out of something like that!

      Delete
  38. "What the fuck is this?!"

    Oh, it's your latest blog bit.

    I'm late ...but I'm fashionable (and I have Sierra Nevada 'Oktoberfest' to keep me warm).

    Funny stuffs, BEER BOYS! I really like that story about "Blucifer". I'm a sucker for "Blue Comedy". (Black Comedy's pretty good, too.) Love the pile of beans. They're good for your heart, ya know?

    I had no idea there was so much of interest to see in Denver. Foreheads, gluten-free bums (er-- ...I mean, job-free individualists). But, hey, just so you know, I've read The Bible about 21 or 22 times, and there is definitely NO MENTION OF MEXICANS IN IT. Therefore, they don't really exist. They're just a figment of your bean statue's imagination.

    Was that a bird dog or a dog bird?

    Uh... well, I could go on and on but... I won't. (Please don't be too disappointed.)

    Very funny blog bit... or whatever the fuck it is.

    ~ Stephen
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. This wasn't a blog bit. No, this was art. That's probably why you didn't understand it. It's hard for most people to understand art like WE do.

      Sincerely,
      The Denver Art District

      P.S. that was a Dawk. Half dawg, half hawk.

      Delete
    2. Fuck Art!

      I'm a Paul Simon fan.

      I hope your Art gets run over by that Train which is currently in the distance... but which won't remain there.

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  39. Colorado is definitely in my top 50 states to visit in the US.

    Also, after Sunday night's game against the Packers, it's safe to say Peyton's back. I mean, he didn't have any passing touchdown's and threw for a slightly above average 340 yards, but you have to admit that those Manning-doubters are sure eating their words right now. Sarcasm aside, I begrudgingly tolerate Manning more than other QBs in the league.

    However, my step-brother does live in Colorado, so the likelihood of me visiting the state is slightly higher than--oh, I don't now--South Dakota or something.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. South Dakota? Ugh. That is just the WORST Dakota.

      Peyton's not fading. No, he's just tactfully saving himself for the Superbowl. Or so we Broncos fans try to tell ourselves.

      Delete
  40. $5? That makes a job at McDonalds not seem sucky.

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    1. If you work at Mickey D's, who even needs the $5? I bet you could get a gummy with just a pair of cheeseburgers. You know, the extra soft kind that don't require teeth to chew.

      Delete
  41. I wish I'd known all this when my nephew went to grad school in Colorado. I could have given him some tips. I don't think he'd go for most of this stuff now. He's taken the traditional route: job, wife, dogs they dress up in Halloween costumes. Oh, the horror.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Oh no, I have a wife that dresses up our dogs in Halloween costumes to compensate for a lack of kids. Have I become "the man"? Have I accepted "the system"? Have I become that which I mock via blog?

      Delete
  42. I hear the drug problem has only gotten worse since legalization--many more people buying and selling through unofficial channels. I'm telling you, that was brainiac move.

    Thanks for the chuckles!

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    1. The drug problem here is just beyond insane. I'm on heroin right now.

      Delete
  43. This is a great post. I couldn't stop laughing. I wouldn't mind the pot smoking, but can I leave the stinky hippy behind? Those sculptures are hilarious. We have some of those in Chicago. There is an orange monstrosity by the Chicago Post office downtown, and then another crazy sculpture by the Daley Center. I still have no idea what they are.

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    1. Don't forget the gigantic mirror bean. That one's fun, too. I think the lesson learned here is that no matter what state you live in, we all have gigantic weird art that no one understands. We stand united... in confusion.

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  44. Apparently we are also an awesome state, for some of the same reasons...but no scary bear. Painted metal cows around town? Check. A statue that looks like a giant match stick, and moves? Check. Legal marijuana? Check.

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    1. Maybe all this weird art is the state giving high people something to look at. I mean, who else but a stoner would appreciate an army or metal cows and a giant, moving match stick?

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  45. OH YES. All of this and a perennially shitty economy are making people move here and causing rents to get ridiculous.

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    1. Living in downtown Denver is already beyond expensive, but I can hardly wait until it's something like $2,000 a month to rent a one bedroom studio apartment... that doesn't even have a bathroom. You have to share that with your 5 neighbors. Welcome to Denver. Hope it was worth it.

      Delete
  46. I would only go to Colorado if they closed Montana. Montana is safer and there is Gluten everywhere!

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    1. Montana is safer because it has no people. It's just a bunch of cows with wigs impersonating people and no one ever noticed because who the fuck cares about Montana?

      Delete
  47. What you have shattered all my illusions - I thought Colorado was "Rocky Mountain High" ..well, I guess it really is now...haha..

    I had to google but, I found a song...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FWooDCkkkVQ

    Ok, I had to laugh nature is amazing as I see some transforming? Oh and a blue horse is rather cool but, with red eyes that is just plain scary...I say run and run fast to to the nearest pub and have a mug or two...cheers..thanks for the laugh...

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    1. Well now that our state is represented by a demon horse with flaming red eyes I have an idea this is more of our current Rocky Mountain Way...

      But don't let the death metal demon horse fool you, Colorado is one of the most beautiful places to live, and we wouldn't want to be anywhere else right now.

      Delete
    2. I had to swing back to read your reply - good song choice..haha..

      Well, I would like to see that Colorado Plateau...just to hear the humming...have you ever been there?

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    3. We have not been to the Plateau, or Four Corners, but for the sake of some travel porn we have been to The Royal Gorge, Estes Park, and Seven Falls. Oh, and Garden of the Gods. Do highly recommend each.

      Delete
  48. The art actually looked pretty awesome to me. The best art we have is on this bridge.

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    1. That's a pretty good bridge. The graffiti is tasteful. Around here our bridges look like this.

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    2. We have our fair share of those too. We call them the non-government-sanctioned ones.

      Delete
  49. LOL! You hit some of my favorite head scratchers! I'm visiting from Pat's post today, and as a longtime Colorado resident, I couldn't resist this! Brilliant! I always have fun pointing out the killer horse to people I meet at DIA ~ love that name Blucifer!

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  50. Isn't the Stargate inside Cheyenne Mountain? Or is that too top secret to mention? My son worked at the Broadmoor in Colorado Springs for two years. The mountains are lovely. Didn't know that about the big horse. I wondered what it represented. Wild, killer horses? The Koreans would probably have to be as close as Kansas in order to hit Norad.

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    1. Ha, it is inside Cheyenne Mountain! Good catch. The Broadmoor is awesome... or so I've heard. I don't think we have enough money to even walk on the premises. That's why we prefer those lovely mountains - no cover charge.

      Delete
  51. Did you know that you can make money by locking special sections of your blog or website?
    To begin you need to join AdscendMedia and run their content locking tool.

    ReplyDelete