Most people think of Colorado and think skiing and weed, but we have so much more than that. So here are the best things Colorado has to offer that you probably won't find in any "guide books."
Come see our hookers!
Fun fact for you: Denver is home to the longest continuing street in the US: Colfax Avenue. And despite its ridiculous length (stretching across multiple cities) you can easily buy crack cocaine on any given block. Awesome, right? But the fun doesn't stop there. No, it's famously lined end to end with hookers, especially on the East and West ends, where the clapboard motels reign king and the ex-cons lay their sleepy heads at night between buying $5 parking lot blowjobs.
Come see our radiated wilderness!
No trip to Colorado is complete without a visit to Rocky Flats. Sure, it used to be a Federal dumping ground for nuclear waste, and the wildlife in the area may have a few more appendages than you're used to seeing, but this four-square-mile section of Colorado history has been really cleaned up! While the majority of the land is a nature preserve, home to genetically resilient animals of all types, the entire area is surrounded by... new housing developments! So bring your kids. Bring your cousins. Hell, bring Grandma! Because there's plenty of room for expansion surrounding this little piece of history. And plenty of toxic runoff for everyone!
Come see ze missiles at NORAD!
What the hell is a "NORAD", you ask? Good question! Go Google it, you lazy bastard. We don't have all the answers. But we can tell you that NORAD is a top-secret government military base set deep in Cheyenne Mountain. And all you need to know is that if there's ever a nuclear war, you needn't bother with anything as silly as 'doomsday prepping' because NORAD will be at the top of the list for being blown to smithereens by North Korea's impressive bottle-rocket nukes. Yolo, bitches!
Come see our quarterback!
It's a natural landmark and a goddamn national treasure, and it's visible from 30 miles outside of Denver. No, we're not talking about the Rocky Mountains, we're talking about Peyton Manning's forehead! Come see everyone's favorite
Come see our weird ass art!
If you like unnecessarily gigantic art that makes absolutely no sense, then Colorado is for you. Stop by and see Blucifer, the blue demon horse with glowing red eyes that's perched awkwardly outside of our airport. Fun fact: during construction, he actually fell on and crushed his creator, Luis Jiménez, to death! So don't look Blucifer directly in the eyes, or you're next, bitch!
After you let Blucifer haunt your soul, be sure and see our tall pile of yellow blocks which are visible from the highway. You know you've officially arrived in Denver when someone points out the window and asks, "What the fuck is that?"
It's art, you heathen. Get some damn culture.
Don't forget to also see the weird giant bear that's watching you masturbate...
The giant pile of beans...
And of course, the enormous anorexic dancers on acid.
Come see crotchety old conservatives and foul smelling hippies!
No trip to Colorado is complete without a trip to colorful Colorado Springs. Just to clarify, by colorful, we mean the mountains, not the people. In the land of Focus on the Family and supergigantomegachurches galore, you'll be hard pressed to find either heathens or brown people.
And if you want the complete polar opposite experience, take a short trip up north to Boulder where you can see what a mountainside hippie commune looks like. Pungently offensive body odor masked by equally pungently offensive patchouli? Check. White people with dreadlocks? Check. Vegan, gluten-free, organic, free-range bakeries where the containers taste better than the pastry? You bet your ass.
And if you're truly lucky enough, you can even see these two magnanimous personalities collide.
So, when can we expect your next visit to Colorado, land of mutated, weed smoking hippie hookers and gigantic, murderous demon horses?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: The Epilogues
Beer: Upslope Craft Lager