Monday, November 16, 2015

The Idiot's Guide to Winter Driving

Last week it snowed in Denver, signaling Old Man Winter's impending regime change. It also allowed drivers to shake off all that summer rust from driving on dry roads so as to return to their roots of playing bumper cars on ice.

Here at ABftS we care about your safety (and your money - that's good too), so today we want to explore some tips to help you be the best snow driver you can possibly be, so that you may spend more time with your loved ones and less time upside down in a ditch being consumed by the flames of your exploded engine.


1) Got an SUV? Just drive like you always do.

It's a proven, statistical fact that unlike regular cars, SUVs are impenetrable to snow and ice. Because of this, while everyone else is going at a sluggish crawl, you can drive at (or greatly above) the speed limit during even the worst snow storm. Sure, yesterday that SUV was used to drop 2 kids off at soccer practice, but today it's a goddamn snow tank, and you need to utilize that.

Don't let that 2 foot pile of snow on top of a 3 inch thick sheet of black ice stop you from reaching 75 mph on a side street. You're doing us all a favor by reaching your destination much, much faster than everyone else, you great Dale Earnhardt Jr. of the snow and ice.




2. Reuse your old, worn out tires.

In an effort to be socially conscious, you should reuse your old, bald tires as often as you can without suffering a brain-rattling blowout. Contrary to those "experts" that say things like "rear wheel drive doesn't matter so long as you have good tires" or "ensure you have at least 5/32 inch of tread on your tires", the truth of the matter is that tires don't mean shit. If you have all-wheel drive, then you can practically drive up a mountain. Things like "tread" and "traction" are just buzzwords the tire companies use to rob you of money.

So please, skate your way around town. If Paul Walker taught us anything, it's that drifting is super cool and never results in bodily harm or agonizing death. Yeehah, bitches! It's an adventure! Who knows where we'll go next? Not me, because I'm cranking the wheel and nothing is happening!

3) Don't waste time wiping your car off.

A giant pile of snow has just been shat upon your city, and your car is parked outside. Now it's covered in a foot of snow and looks like a mutant Pomeranian with wheels. On top of that, you have to get somewhere in a hurry. Well, most people don't realize this, but wiping the snow off of your car is a complete waste of time. Just hop in, flick the windshield wiper once or twice, and blast off to your destination.

Remember, you don't need the visibility out of your rear windshield in order to drive. Let the people behind you worry about all of that. And speaking of, the people behind you are in for an absolute treat when you finally start shedding your winter layer all over their car. It's like a small, personal Christmas shower from one driver to another! Or a snow-launching catapult, depending on the size of chunks and velocity.





4. Don't leave early. Ever.

A common rookie mistake is waking up earlier so that you can have plenty of time to reach your destination. That's a load of crap. All you need to do is simply hammer the gas pedal and weave through traffic in 1 foot of still-falling snow to get there faster. Remember: the other cars are going slow not because it's safe, but because they're blocking you personally and are jealous of your top level driving skills. Teach them who's boss by changing lanes frequently and cutting off those who can't match you. After all, six inches of road snow is no match for a car that's like four to five feet tall. With this, you're guaranteed to reach your destination much, much faster. Or an emergency room. Whatever.

5) Emergency roadside kits are just dead weight.

Remember the old Boy Scout motto, be prepared? Well, welcome to 2015, where that's bullshit. Chances are good your vehicle was made within the last ten years and is therefore a modern marvel of electrical and mechanical engineering. And therefore it will never fail you, and you shouldn't waste a second of your time 1) learning the basics of how your magical four-wheeled wonder-sled actually works, or 2) reading that three-inch thick brick they call an owner's manual that tells you how to diagnose most "common problems". Because of this, it's a huge waste of time to have an emergency roadside kit with tools and supplies. I mean, come on, do you look like a damn mechanic? Ain't nobody got time for that.

So in the off chance you should ever wind up with a flat tire in the middle of the Rocky Mountains during an apocalyptic blizzard, or with the square metal thing inside the front that makes the wheels turn (whatever that is) smoking, just remember that you can always call a tow truck with your infallible cellphone, which will always have signal and will never leave you stranded.



So there you have it, if you just follow these quick, easy tips... then you'll be like all of the other asshole drivers around here. And you're probably only one grocery store trip away from killing everyone you've ever loved with your gross negligence.

This winter neither of us are leaving our damn houses. You all have fun playing bumper cars out there.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: The Ruby Suns
Beer: Simpler Times Lager


111 comments:

  1. I've only attempted to drive in snow conditions once and it was a nightmare. Mainly because there was also ice in the road. There were people lined up on the side of a hill just to watch daring motorists lose traction and slide into one another. (We don't get snow very often in my part of the world.) Hopefully I won't have to drive in snow too often, but if I do, I will certainly employ your handy tips.

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    1. A whole part of your town lines up to watch people crash? I too am a fan of schadenfreude.

      You know, the first time driving in snow is pretty scary, but after a while you get used to it. And then, at some point, people care so little that they go barreling around like there's no chance they could spin out and slam into a tree at 60 mph, I mean it's a pretty big side street and the snow's only like 14 inches.

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  2. Everyone here either hides (because at the threat of a snowflake, the town shuts down anyway) or they drive five miles per hour. Even after the snow has melted and road is dry, because you just don't know where that black ice might be hiding.
    Why do SUV drivers think they are invincible, anyway? Those drivers need to come here. Guarantee they will end up in a ditch. (Because I swear they put magnets in them.)

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    1. I know it sounds like a joke, but any time there's more than a foot of snow, the ditches are lined with bad drivers. And the local news usually does reports on it, and will invariably interview one who exclaims that that ditch just came out of nowhere, man!

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  3. We don't get snow as much over here so I don't run into idiots driving through the snow much. Even then we take that shit more seriously. I've never known anyone to be really reckless in bad weather. The problem isn't that they just put themselves at risk (the Darwin Award needs winners after all) but that they put others around them at risk too.

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    1. What? You Brits are more civilized on the road? Who'd have thunk it? I'll tell you, you haven't lived until you've driven in a snowstorm and been cut off last second by a giant truck that starts fishtailing, barely somehow recovers, and then ends up sliding all the way through the red light because they can't stop (that was last year, if you're wondering).

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  4. I can empathise with everything you wrote. Every year I am staggered at the behaviour of drivers in the snow. This is Canada, they should KNOW how to drive in snow. But all of the things you describe above are exactly what happens. We haven't had more than a light sprinkle yet, enjoying the unusual weather. As for Alex's comments. We had thick snow one Christmas when we lived in NC and didn't get mail for a week even though the postwoman drove an SUV.

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    1. I think that's a part of the postman's creed. "Neither snow nor rain nor heat nor gloom of night stays these couriers from the swift completion of their appointed rounds... unless the snow is really tall, because that's hard to drive in and it's kind of cold and I have to keep hopping out and I don't want to get my boots soaked through with moisture."

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  5. Oh, crap. I got up at 5am because it's torturous CA weather and I have an early meeting. There were a few droplets of water falling from the sky yesterday. Damn, what a frikkin rookie I am. Wish I'd read #4 earlier. Plus, I'm going to stop at a Walmart on my way, if I live to do so, to buy Jenga. Jenga under the carseat? Genius. Pure genius. You guys are the best. Thanks for the sage advice. And thanks for the morning laughter, especially when I read #4.

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    1. Every time I visit California I'm reminded just how much I hate you guys for having consistently awesome weather. That "white Christmas" crap is cute for a minute, but when it's day 5 of a blizzard and there's 2 feet of snow that you have to shovel off of everything and you also have to make a 20 minute drive that's now an hour and a half drive it gets old quickly.

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  6. I've driven in winter conditions my entire life here in Canada and I agree with every observation you made! I've only ever once skidded off an icy highway into the ditch but, man, it scared the living bejesus out of me. And it was because I foolishly passed another car instead of staying put behind him. He stopped and rescued me too, the sonovabitch.

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    1. Wait, he stopped and rescued you? Oh yeah, that's right, Canada. My dad's truck got stuck in a snowstorm once. A guy pulled over and offered to help him out... for $20. My dad told him to go fuck himself, and I came to help him about 30 minutes later. Welcome to neighborly Colorado!

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  7. Ugg, hate driving in the snow, I avoid it at all costs, except when I had to go to work, couldn't get out of that one. Damn, I knew I was saving my Jenga set for a good reason. But people drive like morons here too and many end up in the ditch.

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    1. Playing Jenga while frozen and dying of hypothermia really adds a layer of difficulty to the game.

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  8. People here can't drive when its dry outside much less when it snows. One of the perks of living where I do is I can sit on my bed and watch the cars bounce off each other or get stuck in the ditch beside my house. I think I counted 5 in the last snow storm we had. I like to think I'm prepared. Since I practically live out of my car anyway I have food, blankets, something to read, sometimes extra clothes and shoes.

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    1. A front row view. I bet that's fun. Well, until you're trying to sleep but it's hard because of all of those cars colliding. Also, I hope that your supplies include toilet paper. That's definitely one of those things you don't miss until you REALLY need it.

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  9. Haha. Northerners. Down here, we shut the whole city down if the wind chill dips to a dangerous 38 degrees.

    I have driven in Omaha in winter a few times, though, and found it pretty simple. It turns out that the snow-filled streets get ruts in the snow and ice from where other tired have driven, and if you just keep the gas pedal pressed down, the road takes you where you need to go.

    Now, trying to steer on that is dangerous, but not going foward.

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    1. Driving is roughly 95% going straight and only about 5% turning so that means you're safe 95% of the time. That's practically acceptable!

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  10. We get a reasonable amount of snow here on the east coast and to be honest, i hate it and i drive like a little old grandma. Ex-cuseeeee me for TAKING MY TIME, you maniacs.

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    1. If you had all wheel drive or an SUV or an all wheel drive SUV you wouldn't have to take your time because those were, like, engineered specifically for snow or something like that.

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  11. OMG this is one of my favorite posts. As a transplanted Yankee living in the South, I am cracking up laughing because you nailed every single point about driving in the snow. If it ever snows here the entire town shuts down. However, a few crazy folks venture out and it is complete chaos.

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    1. Nothing here gets shut down, even in 2 feet of snow. You can even glance out your window and witness the poor pizza delivery boy skating around the neighborhood in an attempt to deliver pizza to some savvy eater that says "better you than me," in a tiny Honda Civic that can barely clear a speed bump, much less a road full of snow.

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  12. Snow is so pretty to look at...well, on the first day. After that it's just a slushy black mess. But to drive in, what a mess. Add in a mix of people who think they can drive in snow/ice/sleet and not enough snow equipment because we don't get enough snow to warrant it and you have a complete nightmare. They don't plow or salt/sand secondary roads in my area. It's insane. Worry not about me though. I have four brand new tires on a 2008 Subaru. I'll be right as rain. Or snow. No need for me to scrape the top of my car either. I can't reach it but I'm sure the sun will melt it come spring.

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    1. Oh, you have a Subaru, aka God's gift to cars, so you should just be able to drive around everyone else even if it's straight up a mountain and leave us mere mortals far behind behind in your all wheel drive snow-dust.

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  13. Ick. Driving in the snow REALLY sucks. I hate it. Mainly because everyone around here gets really stupid and either drive WAY too cautiously (even when there's no actual snow or ice on the ground, and Mother Nature is merely sprinkling us with a light dusting of snow, like cold pixie dust), or start playing "bumper cars on ice" as you so aptly called it. Ugh. People. Amirite?

    You forgot to mention what you're supposed to do when you see an accident off to the side of the road, though. It's very important that whenever you come across the scene of another person's misery, slam on your brakes so you can crawl by, gaping around as you search for some glimpse of blood or fire.

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    1. Oh man, I can't believe we forgot the whole rubbernecking thing! Yes, that's 100% true. It's especially imperative that you do this on the highway, so that you can backup traffic for miles all in an attempt to see a very minor traffic accident where no one is hurt, heartlessly go "Awww, that sucked, I wanted to see a body," and then cruise back up to a reasonable speed.

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  14. THIS IS SOLID GOLD. I want to print 100,000 copies of this and paste them to the windshields of every car stuck in Chicago traffic this winter. ESPECIALLY the slowass SUVs. WHY did you buy that SUV, Karen, if you're never going to go above 20 in the snow???
    Since I've always wanted to be a stereotype, I bought a minivan but I'll tell you that thing has 4WD and ABS and a bunch of other 3-letter crap that makes it drive like a damn dream over ice. Problem is? OTHER DRIVERS. Even if I slide a little, a little counter-steering and it's all gold Ponyboy, but everyone else is putsing along making sure to EXTRA brake EXTRA hard so they EXTRA slide, which I'm sure is fun and all but makes all the moms on their EXTRA Xanax and Starbucks EXTRA panic and it's kind of a nightmare. I will leave early, to go WAY out of the way to take back streets so I can avoid as many other cars as possible. Sorry Earth. But hey, at least I'm not driving an 11-MPG SUV? and I score the one-car garage spot, so I'll probably never kill anyone behind me with an icicle. Not on accident anyway.

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    1. Yeah, other drivers are just the worst. Nothing like making it through a storm and feeling proud of yourself and your driving skills, only to feel your heart drop into your stomach as some dumbass tries to stop and comes sliding ever so slowly right in your direction... only to stop at the last second right before hitting you. Good times, good times.

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  15. This is priceless as you hit the nail on the head. being a canuck-this is typical but add in pick-up trucks that are jacked up sky high driven by very tiny women or boys who haven't learned to pee standing up yet and you get the picture. We have a little Honda with snow tires on and driven by my hubby who worked in the Alberta oil fields for 23 years. He can get out of anything and passes all the big ass vehicles that ended up in the ditch.

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    1. I have an old Taurus with not-snow tires and never had a problem. During winter I keep a small bag of cat litter in my trunk in case I get stuck. Only happened once, put some litter in front of the tires, and drove right out immediately. People are always blown away by that, like it's some kind of ingenious lifehack. "Wait, you mean you can do that? I thought you were just supposed to mash the pedal until you somehow managed to peel out of the snow-hole your tires just dug."

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  16. Everyone here in south-central Indiana freaks when there's a dusting of snow on the road. I grew up in Canada, and as you know, we live in igloos and dog sleds are the best way of getting around. A dusting of snow is like summer weather! All I care about this winter is that the school bus can get up our street to pick up my kid and I get my writing time.

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    1. Oh you silly Canadians. When are you going to learn that the snowmobile is how you get around a winter state, not a dog sled? Also, I frequently ski to work when I want to get a good workout.

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  17. B&B:
    ROFL - I figured with the recent snowfall out there, this would be coming soon enough.
    I do something similar at the advent of winter weather here in Hoosierland (on my blog), but I REALLY love your cartoons much better.

    And your "tips" are SPOT ON!
    I've encountered EVERY one of them, especially back in Philly, where we get a LOT of ice-storms (well, the Atlantic Ocean IS only 59 miles away)
    Here in Fort Wayne, Indiana...pretty much the same (hate to think all those from the EAST coast followed me out here). We're stuck between TWO of the Great Lakes (great...heh).
    I'd like to think it is more a case of "selective intelligence".
    These people take their car keys and cell phones (so they can do anything BUT driving while driving), BUT, leave their brains on the table were the keys were.
    That's simply a-f$cking-mazing!

    I can say I've NEVER gotten stuck in such weather (and I've driven in a bloody BLIZZARD at 15 MPH...for 2.5 HOURS - not fun), although Wifey did get stuck ONCE...(ala Danny Vermin - "just once"). I walked a 1/2 mile and got her car out easy enough. Never happened since.

    It all comes from driving for a living (although that's not as much "fun" as it used to be).
    We also called that EXPERIENCE.
    (and that IS still the BEST teacher)
    I say get to KNOW your vehicle (and NOT in a Biblical manner, mind you...lol)

    Excellent tips, gentlemen.
    I;ll se sure to avoid ALL those drivers when it snows...believe me!

    Great post.

    Stay safe (and sane) out there, guys.

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    1. Too bad, because I already got to know my car in the Biblical manner and now I'm stuck in the tailpipe. I wonder if Triple A deals with that kind of car emergency...

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  18. Funny! Next time I see a car disguised as a white Pomeranian in the winter, I'm going to think of you!

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    1. Just as long as that Pomeranian doesn't impale you with a barrage of flying icicles.

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  19. In the midst of all that wisdom, I hit upon the words, "roadside emergency kit." My Dad used to have a little wooden box with those words emblazoned across it.

    Inside? A corncob split in two. Those old folks sure were funny.

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    1. That's right, because as we all know a proper roadside emergency kit contains toilet paper, a handle of Jack Daniels, and a rape whistle.

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  20. The most amazing thing in snow belt states is that everyone forgets how to drive in winter in only 6 months! A completely new skill set, like the one you have written about, is needed every year, so far. I can't wait to see the excitement that happens when climate change gives us hail, blizzards, and tornadoes all at the same time. I know my trusty pickup will get me through hell and high water. I need just one more winter from the original 2002 tires. I better check to be sure my horn still works. That's the most important thing.

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    1. Isn't that the truth? People never forget how to ride a bike, but they sure forget how to drive in snow. And while the horn is essential, you also need to check and make sure you can still raise your middle finger. Sometimes in winter months it gets too cold to raise properly and can fail when needed. And well, how else are you going to let someone know they almost killed you with bad driving?

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  21. I heard you all had some snow out your way. We get lots of idiot winter drivers around here and you described most of them. It's tough to pick which ones are the most irritating but you forgot those tractor trailer drivers where sheets of snow and ice fly off the top of their trailers and fly at you like a deadly 10 foot wide frisbee of death.

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    1. Oh yes, and it's especially fun when those tractor trailers are making like SUVs and blasting through the snow. I mean, none of us can stop quickly, but I'm sure you have that 50,000 lb death trap completely under control.

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  22. We're just getting ready for Old Man Winter in my neck of the woods. I laughed my way through this post because, sadly, there are shit drivers out there that think this is "real" advice and drive like they've got something to prove.

    Ahhh… I can only shake my head and be thankful the bus stop is three houses, and one back lane, over - sliding distance on foot. Yup, during the worst of it I hop the bus with my audiobook in tow, and my hot coffee which I conveniently spill on anyone sitting too close to me - social animal that I am!

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    1. You should do like us Coloradans and snowboard to work. But since you have to take the bus... ever been on a bus when it hydroplanes or skids on ice? Now THAT'S an experience!

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  23. BEER BROS ~
    Yesterday we got our second snow of the Winter. Man, this shit is falling fast! At one point it wasn't snowflakes coming down but chunks of ice. Then about 40 minutes later the sun was shining through patches of blue. Reno is weird in so many ways.

    I just drove home AS FAST AS I COULD, got into my house and stayed inside the rest of the day. That was about 2:00 PM.

    One reason I hate Reno and will probably kill a man (me) just to watch him die is because this place has the WORST DRIVERS I'VE EVER ENCOUNTERED. I've driven in all but maybe 3 or 4 states in the continental U.S. and previously I thought the worst drivers were in Utah. Followed by New Mexico and then Arizona. (It's a Western thang!)

    Today, I KNOW that the worst drivers are in RENO, and it is a deadly combination of Northern California drivers (CA. is just about 15 minutes away) and the Nevada drivers here whom I call "RE(NO)TARDS". On the surface streets they're not too bad, but get 'em on the freeways (or what they refer to here as "freeways" which are really just two lanes and an offramp) and they become Re(no)tards. Worst I've ever seen. Time does not permit a full listing of everything they phuck up in their freeway driving. Just know that when I move away from here (which will protly be sooner than later) the Re(no)tards on the roadways will be a major reason.

    Always keep a spare case of Road Rage I.P.A. in your backseat in case you get stranded in a blizzard... or just get thirsty on your way to Who-Knows-Where.

    Stay Safe and Happy Motoring!

    ~ D-FensDogG

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    1. What about Colorado? I've been driving in plenty of states and I feel like there are way too many fucktards here. Worse than Utah, even. As I joked with another blogger recently, Brandon and I always say that even if you leave the house for 5 minutes someone will invariably try to kill you via vehicular dumbfuckery. It's no longer a joke, because it never fails. Worst. Drivers. Ever. And I've been driving in rush hour in California.

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    2. Well, I think there's no disagreement that there are shitty drivers to be found everywhere. You've got the good and the shitty side-by-side. But based on my experiences (and consider my 56 years and the countless miles I've logged, including extensive road trips, one cross-country from New York to Los Angeles) I think the worst are in the West.

      It was a long time ago, but I drove many miles in Colorado: South on I-25 from Cheyenne, WY., to Walsenburg (almost the entire state vertically). And West on 160, through Durango, to Cortez. At Cortez, I have driven North on 666 into Utah, and also South on 160 to Four Corners.

      I didn't do Colorado in the snow, and that protly would have made a difference. But I didn't leave Colorado with any memory of overall atrocious driving (not even around the Coors brewery in Golden, which I toured with my buddy Pooh).

      But Utah, which I have covered extensively on a few occasions, found me leaving the state shaking my head and thinking: Damn! These Mormons need to go back to horses!

      It wasn't while in New Mexico that I had the realization how shitty those people are behind the wheel. It was my encounters with New Mexico drivers in OTHER states (especially Arizona) that made me sit up and take notice of them.

      A distinction needs to be made between the Southern and Northern Californians. I think Southern Californians are probably the overall BEST drivers in the country. It's a car culture there with the most complex, extensive freeway system to be found in the U.S.A. You don't even go to the liquor store or the hairdressing salon without getting on a freeway, and driver's licenses are issued at the same time the birth certificate is produced.

      Northern Californians are so preoccupied with thoughts of their next same-sex adventure that they can't keep their minds on the road.

      Re(no)tards... I don't even know what their problems are. Probably just heavy drug use. But, man, put 'em on a freeway and watch them find 101 ways to attempt a 69-car pile up. Next time we yak, remind me to tell you about a Reno freeway accident I managed to get around "by using rocket science" (or, "by using an offramp"). Ha! There ARE advantages to being the smartest idiot in a city of about 500,000 dumber idiots!

      ~ D-FensDogG

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    3. I feel like a lot of the driving dumbfuckery occurs around the suburban areas, where people buy expensive cars they have no idea how to properly operate, or the ghetto, where people just don't care about their jalopies and will crash it into pretty much anything without so much as batting an eye. I also feel like it's gotten a lot worse in recent years, so it probably was a lot better back when you were driving these roads. I know my parents both say driving here before was mostly great, even as recent as 10 years ago. Driving here now, though, is a nightmare.

      With that said, I don't doubt the dumbfuckery of Reno for a second. And at first I thought you said your story involved going off a literal ramp, which would have been an amazing ending to pretty much any story - jumping over traffic Dukes of Hazzard style.

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  24. I'm not ready for snow!!!!! But, I mean, I do have an SUV so all I gots to do is speed & drive over everyone else. OR have my family quit everything during winter and stay locked up inside, I'm with you on that lol

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    1. See? That's where it's at. People should just stockpile plenty of supplies and then hibernate for the winter. Everyone. The entire city. Then we can come out when it's sunny. I mean, it works for bears.

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  25. You're lucky that you get snow so much, when it happens here the fecking country goes to hell in a handbasket!!!!!!

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    1. Isn't that funny? The places that never get snow get snow and suddenly everyone acts like it's the apocalypse. 1 inch of snow? How will we ever leave our house again?

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  26. SUV? That's a god damn family-sized monster truck!
    Last year was a fairly mild winter over here, but the coming one promises to be harsh. Then again, I've never seen three feet of snowfall, so I probably won't have any right of complaining. (Public transportation shuts down after a few flakes of the stuff though.)

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    1. You'd be surprised how many SUV drivers think it's "cool" to lift theirs like that. It's not. It's really not. And even if it shuts down at the drop of a hat (or snowflake), I'm envious of your public transportation system. And the amount of people that bike. Here? We have old buses that always break down and a light rail system that only extends 48 miles.

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  27. People freak out when they get snow here. I can deal with snow, it's that damn ice I hate. I almost lost control on a bridge. I was going 5mph.

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    1. Ice is what always gets people here. They'll go slow when there's a ton of snow on the road, but when there's only an inch of ice they think it's totally safe to go the speed limit or higher. This is why we have so many guard rails around here. And they're all dented to shit.

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  28. Mechanic is not in my resume, so that's one good thing about living in a place where it doesn't snow.

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    1. Cars still break down in nice weather. You'd know that if you read your manual.

      (Well, actually, the manual probably doesn't say that)

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  29. I hate driving in the snow, even with a SUV, but I don't go fast, at least in the white stuff. I come from the deep South and the flatlands, and driving in Vancouver weather is another skill I had to learn. Just driving in the snow at all is an accomplishment for me. I have even walked home in the snow when my carpooler and I saw a 39 car pileup on one of our major streets (ice) so we parked and walked home - we felt like pioneers, but I couldn't walk too well the next day. That was a boot camp for how to survive Vancouver snow driving by walking, and how to dodge the idiots what were still driving and sliding. Took us 3 hours or so to get home. We lived 20 mins away (15 miles) from work by car at that time. Good tips guys!

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    1. Wow, that's really impressive. Not just the walking, but I don't even think I've seen a 39 car pileup. Also, walking home 3 hours in the snow is such a badass Canadian thing to do. Around here people would just say, "Well, guess I'm sleeping in the office tonight. Anyone got a pillow?"

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  30. Were you talking to New Englanders when you wrote this? This is exactly how it is up north. Idiots, morons and assholes all over the roads. I wonder how many cases of frostbite happen every winter because of not being prepared in the US? My emergency kit always had Heineken in it! Could be a long wait.

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    1. Denver drivers are pretty close to New Englanders, except instead of SUVs they drive "cahs." Whatever the hell those are.

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  31. I read StMc's comment and I must disagree. The worst drivers are in Florida. I've lived many places and none are so bad as Florida. I really thought GA was bad before Florida, but now I know better. Should we ever even get a flurry in Florida I'm not coming out. These people (and I use the term loosely) can't drive in dry conditions. So, what else you got?

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    1. I think the only thing we're taking away from this post is that everybody everywhere sucks at driving and it's just best never to leave your house again if you value your life.

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  32. I think I'll park my SUV in the garage, curl up in my easy chair with a hot toddy, and let someone else figure out how to get dinner. No need to thank me for clearing the way for all those "conscientious" drivers.

    By the way: Happy Birthday Bryan; hope you did not catch adult cooties.

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    1. See, that's where it's at! I don't drive in the snow unless I absolutely have to. I also don't drive if I don't have to, but I avoid snow too. Basically I avoid going outdoors as often as I can.

      And thanks! Avoided adultness successfully for one more year!

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  33. I seriously HATE driving in the snow. It takes an act of Congress or the request of one of my babies to get me to drive in the snow. Then I'm a white knuckle, slow driving pain in the ass that every SUV tries to run over.

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    1. As I always tell the wife during a snowstorm, "Unless us NOT leaving this house results in your death or mine, I'm not moving an inch."

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  34. This is entirely accurate! :p Also, add pickups to the SUV category. And if you're in a Jeep, the SUVs and pickups will tailgate you, because they're pissed that you're not driving like them when you're in a Jeep, so you should be.

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    1. What an irresponsible Jeep owner you are. As penance, I hereby sentence you to a 12 inch lift kit, a back window full of Fox Racing stickers, and nudey girl mudflaps.

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  35. hahaha - I think you really captured winter driving. Oh, the dread, it has not yet snowed here and I am elated about that as I need to get some new tires before that stuff falls. Last winter I had an accident on an icy road and let me tell you that was scary. Nothing here closes we just continue on leaving earlier in the morning ...skipping out a bit early in the afternoon the only problem with that is everyone has the same idea so there we all are again..haha...I don't know about where you live but, if you don't clean the snow off your car you can get a ticket. I have to say I don't enjoy those big chunks of snow flying off an suv to hit my car.

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    1. I don't know if it's a law but I've never seen anyone pulled over for being covered in snow. And I've seen plenty of cars not cleaned off. You know what is a law, though, that they really love to enforce here? You can't start your car in your driveway and then walk inside your house. Even if your car has remote start and is locked. Apparently it's easier to steal your car that way so they give you a ticket. It's so nice of them to protect us from ourselves.

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  36. That's weird. This was just posted today, but somehow people around here have been following this guide for years.

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  37. You haven't seen anything until you've taken a trip down I-95 through Maryland, home of the world's worst drivers. Aggressiveness, ignorance and selfishness, mixed with a healthy dose of incompetence.

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    1. I feel like I believe you and I also feel like I don't want to experience that ever, so I'll just take your word for it.

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  38. LOOK if you get stuck in a snowstorm and need to survive you just slice open your Tauntaun, crawl inside, and you'll make it through the night.

    -- Excerpted from "Hokey Religions and Ancient Weapons Are No Match For A Good Blaster: Everything I Need To Know I Learned In Star Wars."

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    1. My Tauntaun got bad gas mileage so I traded it in for an Ewok. I don't think I can fit inside one of those.

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  39. I don't mean to brag--well, yes I do--but I had quite a talent for driving on snow and ice. Slow and steady wins the race. I've been in Florida for five years. Before Florida I was in Illinois for seven years, nowhere near Chicago. We only had snow a couple of times. Farmers in their pick-up trucks drive like maniacs. In Maryland, it irritated me that the road would have a clear strip for each lane, but a big pile of snow in the middle. Some butt-faced jackass would always drive so he hit the snow in the middle and sprayed it on the windshields of all the other cars. I'll probably never drive in snow again as long as I live. It was 78 today, not that (again) I mean to brag, but I do.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Last night was a blizzard. Some people got a foot. We didn't. But still, by all means, brag. I'd love to be lounging in 78 degree weather. Today it's 32. Tomorrow it might creep up to 50. BRAG. You've earned it.

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    2. I can't brag during the summer when it's so hot I can't bare to go outside. At 4:13 p.m. it is 79 degrees.

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  40. I'm so glad we don't get snow here in Las Vegas. I mean we do every ten years or so and even then it's only about 3 inches but when we get those 3 inches the people go nuts. Trying to make snowmen, go snowboarding and sledding in the 30 minutes it takes for the snow to melt and turn into ice water that everyone gets mad at.

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    1. How about rain? That's fun too. I love how Vegas's drainage systems suck (aka don't exist) so only 2 inches of rain ends up flooding the streets and people hydroplane everywhere. Good times, good times.

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  41. OMG Your blog is hilarious! I'm so glad to have found it! You just acquired a new follower :-)

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    1. I hope you brought Kool-aid because we kind of go for a cult atmosphere here.

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  42. This sounds awful, haha .. Down here, we get ice not snow and people seriously drive like it doesn't do it every single year. The first day, it's sirens every thirty minutes or so because some dummy flew into a guard rail or off a bridge.

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    1. And see, driving in snow isn't all that bad. It's the ice that will get you, because no amount of all wheel drive or beefy tires can stop you when you're on a solid sheet of ice. Most people around here, even if they've been driving for decades, never figure that out... which is why all of our guard rails look like they've just been in a 5 round steel cage match. Especially around curves.

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  43. Luckily we've been on a regular December to April schedule for snowfall. I've got another month of no hassle driving. Granted, I'm not looking forward to the crazy SUV drivers in the coming months. Last year I almost got taken out by an SUV skating into the oncoming lane. Thankfully there was another tank in front of my to take the hit. But people usually hate me during the snowy weather since I take it pretty slow in my 3-pound car.

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    1. That must suck. My mom used to have a 3-pound car and she was almost run over on a regular basis. It made her practically invisible. Apparently one of an SUV's many blind spots is anything underneath them.

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  44. Oh, the memories. I love those people who never scrape off their car. My car would always wind up getting hit with it at the worst times. Don't miss those winters. In Germany, if the car isn't cleaned off, it will be after driving 160 km. LOL!

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    1. HA, HA, HA! Man I miss those Colorado winters, especially up in the mountain, where everyone is the invincible snow beast of a driver in their SUV.

      Living where I do now in the mountains of NV, a mere spit away from CA where everyone of course,know exactly how to drive in snow and ice (fast, faster and fastest) it's a real treat once the white stuff starts to fall. Sunday coming home from work (a whole 2 miles) some guy spins out in oncoming traffic, I'm trying to move out of his way as he spins closer and closer to me. Yeah, that was fun, fun, fun. Fortunately he missed me; this time, but I'm sure his aim will get better as the winter drags on..

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    2. Denise - I wonder what it's like getting impaled by a brick of snow at 100 mph+?

      FAE - Fun fact: the government sends out its employees in poorly maintained, ancient Jeeps and Chevy vans with check engine lights and the worst traction you can imagine thanks to low quality Chinese off-brand tires (big surprise, right?). My wife, while working for the gubmint, was sent out to Grand Junction and had to take I-70, which I'm sure you're familiar with. In a light snow, she and her coworker took a bend at 25 mph (the speed limit at that bend was 50, so she was already crawling), and the van spun out and smashed into a guard rail, aka the only thing stopping them from plummeting down the mountain to their deaths. Since it was only 25 mph, the van was pretty much fine, but after that, she was so rattled she told them she was never driving out that way again because she didn't feel safe in their broke down, not-maintained jalopies.

      Thanks, gubmint!

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    3. I worked for the gubmint in Summit County for years and drove around in one of those broken down jeeps. Their idea of population control.

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  45. LOL! I grew up in Utah and people would be doing 75 in the middle of a blizzard. I still marvel at that years later.

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    1. They don't call them Utards for nothin'.

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    2. AND, contrary to the many comments, they are the worst drivers in the lower 48.

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  46. Thanks for the tips. If I am ever in snow, I live in Phoenix AZ, I will keep these things in mind. You get the crazy snow drivers and we get the crazy rain drivers.

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    1. I love that a single inch of rain can throw your city into panic. I can't even imagine what would happen if it DID snow.

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  47. B&B ~
    I love snow but would rather play in it than drive in it. My hometown goes nuts ~ one inch is truly disaster. My van travels well, so I don't have issues with ice or snow. When snow is predicted, the van gets parked in the carport, while I camp out in front of the fireplace. It works. All I need are heavy duty wipers and I'll be set... in case I take a ride. (Snow and Christmas lights make me happy.)

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    1. Amen to that. Sledding through the snow on Christmas - wonderful. Sledding through the streets in an SUV that's sideways - completely awful.

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  48. How does this translate to Arizona weather, where nobody knows what snow is and everyone thinks a cloud means it's the end of days?

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    1. I think this applies to you guys but instead of "snow" insert "1 inch of rain."

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  49. I for one enjoy winter (for the most part) but you are dead on about the drivers. UGH!
    I have a full size pick up with 4-wheel drive. I drive like I have a 1980 hatchback Chevette with bald tires. Why? Cuz I'm not stupid, that's why.
    Speaking of snow we are due for our first tonight and into tomorrow. 4-8 inches of probably slushy, heavy accumulation. I don't care, I'm off for the next ten days and don't have to leave unless I run out of beer, besides I just bought a new snowblower. Retiring the old shovel.

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    1. Snow's always great when you have nowhere to be. And are drunk. And don't have to use a shovel...while drunk. I would not recommend that.

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  50. Amazes me how people think that just because they have four-wheel drive, they can drive on snow and ice like there isn't any snow or ice.

    I used to love winter, but after last year's five solid months of 3 feet of snow on the ground because the temperature never got above 20F........ no. Just no.

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    1. Yeah, right? Also, snow is beautiful when it first falls, sure. But after it's been not-melting for 3 weeks it's just black and brown piles of disgusting slush.

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  51. No matter how God-awful the drivers may be in your neck of the woods, I guaran-damn-tee ya the drivers here in Atlanta are WORSE. Their driving in the rain is iffy, let alone the snow and ice. Rather than drive in the snow, drivers will get out of their cars and leave them stranded in the middle of the road! I kid you not.

    Worst thing about snow in Baltimore when I was a kid: spending hours shoveling out a space for my mother to park when she got home from work, only to have some asshat neighbor sneak into the spot before she got there. It was enough to make a certain sweet angelic little girl cuss...

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    1. Abandoning a car mid snow. That's impressively awful. Meanwhile, I don't even like leaving my car in the Wal-Mart parking lot too long for fear of someone scratching or denting it. Also, if someone stole the spot I spent hours digging out, I believe legally that's grounds for murder.

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  52. Seriously, try snow in Western Oregon, which gets it every year, and promptly forgets, and never invests in serious road clearing equipment. We're a bunch of fucking ninnies with 1/2 inch. And meanwhile, my Midwest relatives are laughing at us.

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    1. You know how I know you guys are a bunch of ninnies? Because you used the word "ninnies." But don't feel bad, the Midwest laughs at us, too. People think we get what they get... but we don't. Not even close. And we still suck.

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