Here at ABftS we care about your safety (and your money - that's good too), so today we want to explore some tips to help you be the best snow driver you can possibly be, so that you may spend more time with your loved ones and less time upside down in a ditch being consumed by the flames of your exploded engine.
1) Got an SUV? Just drive like you always do.
It's a proven, statistical fact that unlike regular cars, SUVs are impenetrable to snow and ice. Because of this, while everyone else is going at a sluggish crawl, you can drive at (or greatly above) the speed limit during even the worst snow storm. Sure, yesterday that SUV was used to drop 2 kids off at soccer practice, but today it's a goddamn snow tank, and you need to utilize that.
Don't let that 2 foot pile of snow on top of a 3 inch thick sheet of black ice stop you from reaching 75 mph on a side street. You're doing us all a favor by reaching your destination much, much faster than everyone else, you great Dale Earnhardt Jr. of the snow and ice.
2. Reuse your old, worn out tires.
In an effort to be socially conscious, you should reuse your old, bald tires as often as you can without suffering a brain-rattling blowout. Contrary to those "experts" that say things like "rear wheel drive doesn't matter so long as you have good tires" or "ensure you have at least 5/32 inch of tread on your tires", the truth of the matter is that tires don't mean shit. If you have all-wheel drive, then you can practically drive up a mountain. Things like "tread" and "traction" are just buzzwords the tire companies use to rob you of money.
So please, skate your way around town. If Paul Walker taught us anything, it's that drifting is super cool and never results in bodily harm or agonizing death. Yeehah, bitches! It's an adventure! Who knows where we'll go next? Not me, because I'm cranking the wheel and nothing is happening!
3) Don't waste time wiping your car off.
A giant pile of snow has just been shat upon your city, and your car is parked outside. Now it's covered in a foot of snow and looks like a mutant Pomeranian with wheels. On top of that, you have to get somewhere in a hurry. Well, most people don't realize this, but wiping the snow off of your car is a complete waste of time. Just hop in, flick the windshield wiper once or twice, and blast off to your destination.
Remember, you don't need the visibility out of your rear windshield in order to drive. Let the people behind you worry about all of that. And speaking of, the people behind you are in for an absolute treat when you finally start shedding your winter layer all over their car. It's like a small, personal Christmas shower from one driver to another! Or a snow-launching catapult, depending on the size of chunks and velocity.
4. Don't leave early. Ever.
A common rookie mistake is waking up earlier so that you can have plenty of time to reach your destination. That's a load of crap. All you need to do is simply hammer the gas pedal and weave through traffic in 1 foot of still-falling snow to get there faster. Remember: the other cars are going slow not because it's safe, but because they're blocking you personally and are jealous of your top level driving skills. Teach them who's boss by changing lanes frequently and cutting off those who can't match you. After all, six inches of road snow is no match for a car that's like four to five feet tall. With this, you're guaranteed to reach your destination much, much faster. Or an emergency room. Whatever.
5) Emergency roadside kits are just dead weight.
Remember the old Boy Scout motto, be prepared? Well, welcome to 2015, where that's bullshit. Chances are good your vehicle was made within the last ten years and is therefore a modern marvel of electrical and mechanical engineering. And therefore it will never fail you, and you shouldn't waste a second of your time 1) learning the basics of how your magical four-wheeled wonder-sled actually works, or 2) reading that three-inch thick brick they call an owner's manual that tells you how to diagnose most "common problems". Because of this, it's a huge waste of time to have an emergency roadside kit with tools and supplies. I mean, come on, do you look like a damn mechanic? Ain't nobody got time for that.
So in the off chance you should ever wind up with a flat tire in the middle of the Rocky Mountains during an apocalyptic blizzard, or with the square metal thing inside the front that makes the wheels turn (whatever that is) smoking, just remember that you can always call a tow truck with your infallible cellphone, which will always have signal and will never leave you stranded.
This winter neither of us are leaving our damn houses. You all have fun playing bumper cars out there.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: The Ruby Suns
Beer: Simpler Times Lager