Monday, November 23, 2015

Happy Stuff Your Piehole Day

This week is Thanksgiving, in which we all gather together and eat dry, overcooked turkey until we hate ourselves, while holding awkward conversation with that racist uncle who never stops sending you cheesy e-mail forwards about Obama secretly being a Muslim transsexual space alien.


It's also a time when we give thanks, and while many will be thankful for things like friends and family and a roof over their heads (lame), we want to each talk about some things we're REALLY thankful for.

Bryan: I'm thankful I can spend at least one more year staving off the terminal, blood-sucking virus that consumes your life for at least two decades and costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to get rid of. No, I'm not talking about Ebola, I'm talking about children. While everyone else is probably thankful for their children, I'm just thankful I don't have them.



Brandon: I'm thankful for the existence of long grass at the park. I know it sounds weird but hear me out. Nine times out of ten, my wife and I have little baggies to collect the turds our dogs drop when we take them on morning walks, buuut, a quarter of the time, after we use and throw them away, the dogs poop AGAIN. And then we're THOSE assholes. You know, the ones planting fecal landmines in the place where you play your adult kickball league games. So, yeah, long grass. It's mother nature's way of helping me hide the shame of my dog's spontaneously never-ending bowels.







Bryan: I'm thankful for boobs, because why would that possibly ever need an explanation?

Brandon: I'm thankful for all of my neighbors' trees. Not having any trees of my own, I'm fortunate that my neighbors on all sides have plenty of them so that I don't have to miss out on raking up mountains of leaves every year. Because really, how the hell are you supposed to fully appreciate autumn without lots of allergy-inflaming yard work? It builds up your arms and it builds up your mucus.

Bryan: I'm thankful for having an exceptionally unrefined palate, one that allows me to enjoy the hell out of a $5 bottle of wine or a $15 bottle of whiskey. Because if I did have a so-called refined palate, imagine how much money I'd have to spend just to drink alcohol that I liked.





Brandon: I'm thankful for my barber. I know that sounds overly obvious, but as a fairly hirsute individual, it's actually pretty important. Without my barber, I would probably look like a wily caveman. Or bigfoot. Or Dave Grohl. And nobody wants to see that.


Bryan: And finally, I'm thankful for not having that weird second toe that extends way past your first toe and looks like a mutated finger. It kinda creeps me out, and I'm not sorry I said it.

So really, cut the cheesy crap. What are YOU thankful for?

Cheers and stay thankful, friends,
B&B

Music: Port St. Willow
Beer: Ballast Point Longfin Lager


102 comments:

  1. I wonder when that guy will stop sliding?
    I'm grateful for Cherry 7Up, which when added to cheap wine makes it taste better.
    And someone else grateful they don't have kids! My wife and I are way past the age where that's a possibility now. Plus I had that magic procedure that involved smoking balls. (Yeah, if that doesn't make you nervous, I don't know what will.) Anyway, thank God for no kids! Because I wasn't sharing my computer games anyway...

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    1. Smoking balls still somehow sound more pleasant than kids. And... Cherry 7Up and wine? You can DO that? That sounds so deliciously wrong... And yet so right.

      Delete
  2. I'm thankful for a friend like you, Bryan, because you're been such a tremendous help to me. You're the best!

    Aww, isn't that so super sweet it's making you wipe a tear away from your eye? Yeah, that's what I was going for.

    I'm also thankful for the obvious things: family, food, shelter, but the not so obvious thing I'm grateful for is how close I live to the coast. I can drive a few miles to the beach any time of year and see the ocean and that makes my heart smile every time I see it! That's just freakin' awesome and I was lucky to land here when we retired.

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    1. Wow, is that... is that salt water in my eyes? No, it couldn't be. I don't live near the beach. :(

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  3. I have one of those weird second toes. I'd like to say it's come in handy, but I can't see how it has. Maybe it's come in footy. I'm not sure what that would entail.

    I'm glad we got to see more of what happened to the guy that slipped on the dog crap. Seemed like you were going to leave us with a real .... cliffhanger. Eh? Eh? Anybody? I imagine that guy showing up randomly in another post like five months from now, gliding across the membranes of the multi-verse.

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    1. So is buying shoes more difficult? Or do you just cut holes in the front so your toe fingers can breathe?

      Unfortunately, if that guy comes back, it's just going to be his sliding corpse. I mean, I'm pretty sure you can't breathe in outer space. Don't quote me on that, though. I'm no scientist.

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  4. B&B:
    Cripes that is HILARIOUS.

    I never knew that being THANKFUL would be as humorous as you two have portrayed.
    Every reason cited..exactly as I remember (even the kids).

    Nostalgia...rhymes with neuralgia...now I have both in abundance...LOL.
    (wonder if that guy is STILL slipping on that dog crap???)
    Brilliantly done, lads.

    Have a great Thanksgiving.

    Stay safe (and thankful for being so classy) out there.

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    1. I have yet to see someone come in and say "But kids are such a blessing! You'll totally change your mind!" The thought of that gives ME intense neuralgia. You have a great Thanksgiving too.

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  5. I too am in the no kid camp. Do you suppose that kid will ever stop sliding. I actually feel sick now. Cherry 7Up and cheap wine. Yuk. We did all our Thankful bit last month and I am thankful I don't have to cook another turkey this month. Going out for Christmas Day.

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    1. I like to put frozen cherries in my wine. Helps cool it down without resorting to ice cubes and also improves the taste. I thought that was bad but I guess it can always be worse. And hey, Cherry 7Up still has to beat just pouring a packet of Kool-Aid in there...

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  6. I'm thankful I'm not that poor bastard on the dog shit express!

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  7. I am thankful that this blog has not gone highbrow just because its writers went professional.

    Although you should probably try it once, just to scare everyone.

    I would be thankful for that, too.

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    1. Okay, picture this: you show up one week and the goofy header is gone. The blog post is all about tips to improve your business, and they're legitimate tips. There are no comics. There are no jokes. The blog post IS the joke.

      Look at you, bringing out the Andy Kaufman in us.

      Delete
  8. I can believe that you two actually have Thanksgiving together. To be honest this was a bad year for me. I'm running low on things to be thankful for. I barely even have my health anymore. I'm thankful that, for at least 9 months this year, I had someone helping me lose weight I guess. I still do too because I have a gym buddy, even if he can't go nearly as much as he should and him not going motivates me to also not go.

    Not thankful for having to buy a new computer though. Why is this always so stressful and difficult? Time to throw myself at the mercy of the bloodsucking bastards at the computer shop I guess. I know enough to recognise a good deal, but not enough to know what is best for my individual needs.

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    1. We would have Thanksgiving together. We are not, however, gym buddies. So you've got that on us. And if it's any help, Amazon always has great deals on computers and, you know, user reviews from real people vs. store guy telling you, "Yeah, this is totally the best one." (<- it's not. It never is)

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  9. I am that weird-toed person with all the trees that vex the neighbors, forcing them to rake them up and irritate their sinuses. But what am I to do, use my ape feet to scale the tree and hand/foot pluck each leaf from the yard? I didn't plant the damn things! How about this: you shake loose some of them excessive chest hairs on their yard and call it even?

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    1. So... CAN you use your ape feet to climb trees? That was never quite clarified, and would essentially change everything I said about said ape feet. And hey, how dare you call those excessive chest hairs. It's a hair sweater, and it should be referred to as such.

      Delete
  10. Hahahaha that longer second toe creeps me out, too. Anyway . . . I'm thankful for wine. It helps me "wine" down every so often when I need it to survive raising my adorable tiny twins. I'm also thankful for food, because well . . . I get hungry. And I'm thankful for coffee, because: coffee.

    Have a great Thanksgiving, guys!!! <3

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    1. Now THAT'S a Thanksgiving toast. Seriously, you should raise a glass of $5 wine and toast that at Thanksgiving dinner. Let us know how it goes over. Also, if you need wine to deal with your adorable twins, are they REALLY adorable or is that just the "wine-goggles" talking...?

      (Yeah, yeah, I'm sure they're cute as hell. But just like that baby bear cub at the zoo, they're cute, but not so cute that I want to actually invite one into my home)

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  11. lol I'm thankful for sticks lying around, then I can just take the stick and flick the dog shit in the ditch. Hopefully the aliens will save the dog shit slipping guy. Also thankful no little whiny, wrinkly poop machines are crawling around the floor.

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    1. No ditches around here, and with my luck, I'd just end up flicking it into some poor old woman feeding the pigeons. Or a whiny, wrinkly poop machine. The latter I wouldn't feel so bad about. I mean, poop is practically their life, so...

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  12. I'm not going to be that whiskey snob, but I will say you're contradicting yourself. "I can enjoy $15 whiskey", but then "whiskey is basically turpentine and you can't tell the difference".
    You can actually get fairly good whiskeys for around €20 over here in the Netherlands. Not sure how the price conversion goes for alcohol, but nearly all of the stuff we drink on our "whiskey and chill" nights is in the €20-€40 range, with a rare few going slightly above that. Super expensive whiskey is generally a waste of time unless you're a professional connoisseur.

    As for what I'm thankful for... Well your blog is still running, and you still pay me occasional visits, so that definitely doesn't go unappreciated. (:

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    1. Actually, that's not a dig against whiskey, that's just a dig against how underdeveloped my taste buds are. I love a good whiskey, but admittedly, I have no idea what the hell I'm tasting. And more expensive whiskeys don't somehow taste any better to me. Besides, have you tried turpentine? It's surprisingly refreshing.*

      *our legal team** wants to remind everyone that we're just kidding and please never do this
      ** just us, but in tuxedo t-shirts

      Delete
    2. Ah okay, didn't catch that from the joke. (Shame on me or shame on you?)
      But yeah, price doesn't say anything about taste. It's really just a matter of personal preference and, indeed, being able to taste the difference. I ain't going to pay more for a 26-trillion-colors display if I'm color blind, right? And even then, sometimes the cheaper stuff is just... better.
      Have you tried Talisker? You can actually taste the sea it was made next to. Kind of salty, and if I try real hard I can make out a smoked salmon-y taste. Recent favorite! Anything you'd recommend?

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    3. Probably shame on me but since I'm a man-child and don't like to accept responsibility let's just say shame on you and leave it at that without exploring the topic further.

      I've not heard of Talisker. I'm not sure if we have that around here but I'll check next time I'm out so I can experience salty salmon (you're not really selling me with that description but I like wacky/unique so I'd still try it, admittedly). And both of us would strongly recommend Stranahan's... but sadly, I think that's US only.

      Delete
    4. >Colorado-made whiskey
      How could one expect anything different. Seems interesting, but from the looks of it Europe's not their target audience. Remind me to get one of these if I ever drop by!

      Delete
  13. The good Lord works in mysterious ways. I always thought I wanted kids. And then I got migraines. Turns out that parenting and migraines are not all that compatible. Ergo, it's a really good thing I wasn't trying to multi-task with this full-time. I ended up getting the best of all worlds. I'm still involved with my ex's kids and can love them from a distance. So, I'm thankful for that.

    In other news, I have that creepy second toe that is longer than the big toe. Now that I know how much that disturbs you, I think I'm gonna have to take a picture and send it to you. Unexpectedly, of course. Because everyone likes surprises.

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    1. "The good Lord works in mysterious ways... like sending you a surprise finger-toe picture. He gets a HUGE kick out of that."

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    2. So good to see you "get it." Hahahahaha.

      The beauty of this is that you won't have *any idea* when it's coming. I can sit on this for a year or better and then.... bam! All because the good Lord works mysteriously...;)

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  14. I, for one, am thankful the opportunity to grace this world with another slobbering child. Although, I must admit, my child will not act like the idiot kids do today. At the young age of 41, I too thought I was a bit old for children, aw hell, who am I kidding - I am too old.
    What I am really thankful for is a good job, a nice home and the fact that I can pretty much do whatever the hell I want (short of climbing Everest). Until said kid arrives. LOL

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    1. Enjoy that freedom while you've got it. In a matter of months you won't even be able to go to the bathroom for longer than 10 minutes without having to check on that slobbering baby. I hear they do everything in their power to hurt themselves. When they're not slobbering, that is.

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  15. I'm thankful that it's Bushman and not me or you guys bringing another slobbering kid into the world. Good luck to that sucka.
    Happy Thanksgiving week, BnB.

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    1. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too. The world already has three of us. God knows it doesn't need any more than that.

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  16. I'm thankful to be back in Ireland among my people, getting ready for the zombie apocalypse in the middle of nowhere!

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    1. That sounds like either the best place to be or the worst place to be for a zombie apocalypse, depending on how much alcohol has been ingested, of course.

      Delete
  17. I'm thankful for the 75% off Halloween candy that's still gracing shelves at a few stores, and for demented card games like Cards Against Humanity that I can play with my friends after I subject myself to two days with my unpleasant and divorced in-laws, because I will desperately need a laugh after that. Happy Thanksgiving, guys!

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    1. Ohhh yes, we forgot about both of those, which are dear favorites. Bonus points if you pool them together - there's nothing quite like talking about midgets shitting in a bucket and getting hilariously gangbanged by the Blue Man Group while shoving your face full of last month's candy.

      Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

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  18. I'm thankful for that cheap wine palate also. When I get a $2.99 bottle and don't like it, at least I did not waste real money on it, and adding it to my kids' V8 Splash (Cherry Pomegranate) lets me actually finish the disgusting bottle. Love a Barefoot Moscoto, goes with everything from bacon to lobster tail.

    I'm also grateful for windows with curtains and 6 foot fences in the back yard that keep the nosy neighbors out. My cat insures no dogs slip under the gates to poop in my yard (though he's been known to invite the neighborhood cats in to share his dinner) but he has a more expensive cat food palate than my taste for wine.

    When it comes to kids (I have 5) I'm thankful for the age of 18 - kick out age. My last one in the house is 17 and I'm already making plans for his room and looking forward to the empty nest syndrome. Please poop gods, let me experience that by the time he's 19!

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    1. I love Barefoot Moscato. They call it the training wheels of wine, but if that's the case, then I'm alright never graduating to a big boy bike.

      And I'm in the opposite boat. I have a nice big extra room that I devote to writing, and I really don't want to give that up for the next 18-20 years for a kid.

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  19. I have relatives like that Uncle...hence why i don't see that side of the family any more. I am also very thankful not have those things called children. There are cute kids every once in a blue moon but most look rather...ugly and they smell. The worst is when they are given cake to eat and everyone thinks it's cute to have their face covered in cake. Even when i was a kid, i grabbed the washcloth to wipe their face. What's worse is when the parents dish out the cake when the snot-fingered kid just groped the cake with his hands. I pass on that cake. Dog poop---we are all guilty. In fact, our dog, due to nerves has about 3 poops the last one looks more like the chocolate milky way which can't be picked up so we cover it in the leaves that are busy flying around. This just gives an extra surprise to the people when they rake. My friend has webbed toes-he is the man from Atlantis (remember that show?) Happy Thanksgiving:)

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    1. Yeah, I won't touch and I certainly won't eat anything a baby has touched. In fact, I even just cringe when someone asks if I want to hold their baby, and it's just sitting there, blowing snot bubbles out of its nose. No, I'm alright. You keep it.

      Also, webbed toes are kind of weird, but webbed toes with that long second toe would just be my ultimate nightmare.

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    2. I was once asked to hold a baby that stank and had snot coming from its nose looking at me like it was the perfect little idiot (yup not politically correct) and I just said "um No that's ok" The mom asked why and I just said "It's leaking"

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    3. That. Is. Awesome. I'm definitely going to remember that. And yes moms always insist their babies are smart for their age and ahead of the rest but let's face it they're all dumb as shit.

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  20. I am grateful to people who pick up their dog's turds, so I don't have to end up on a poopsteroid out in space like that dude in the picture. Poor guy!

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    1. Oh, he'll be fine once he reenters the Earth's orbit.

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  21. Happy Thanksgiving. On the flip side of the having children deal. I'm thankful I have them but also thankful they're grown up. And they don't mind drinking the cheap stuff too. Kids learn that in college.

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    1. See, I just wish I could skip through the 0-18 years and get right to them being cool adults I can drink cheap booze with.

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  22. I'm thankful that blogging has put me in touch with a breed of caring, intelligent, creative sociopaths that I might never have imagined existed without. And it allows you to meet people from different geographic areas with something to add to your life. Because believe me, Bobby G and I hold Fort Wayne up ourselves like a couple of tentpoles.

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    1. And believe us, if we're ever out your way we fully expect to see your majestic kingdom. And to see how sturdy those tentpoles actually are before they break, because, you know, sociopaths.

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  23. Every year around the holidays I put this as my status...it pretty much sums up how I feel...

    "To me, Christmas/Thanksgiving means cooking up a feast for family and friends… an endless, numbing day of scrubbing, grating, peeling, chopping, slicing, and dicing, until my fingers bleed, and like a tortured slave, my mind spirals into a dark psychotic pit of hell where the voices in my head begin screaming "Shoot me, please somebody just fucking shoot me!" "

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    1. That is the greatest summation of Thanksgiving I've ever read. Thank you.

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  24. Regardless of how people feel about President Obama politically, I still can't believe all the people who think he's Muslim. The Koran is basically a Persian twist on the Bible with extra stuff about Mohammed. It's not to understand that super religious Christians and Muslims agree on most social issues. Obama is pro-choice, pro-LGBT, and he drinks beer. If he's Muslim, he's doing a bad job at it.

    Every Thanksgiving I see my brother's in-law nephews. Their mother has no problem spanking them like crazy, yet they always act like brats if they're bored.

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    1. And yet you have nothing to say about him being a transsexual space alien. Interesting, interesting...

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  25. You're lucky $5 wine even exists in the U.S. In Canada you can't buy a bottle for under $10.

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    1. I think your healthcare system MORE than makes up for that.

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  26. I am also thankful that I don't have kids. They are fun once in a while, but I like to give them back when they become not fun. Or leaky. I am also thankful for not being a fussy eater. I eat just about anything. If I am ever lost in Bumfuck, Outer Mongolia I will be able to eat sauteed yak horn or whatever and not go hungry. I am also good with strange or cheap alcoholic beverages so I never have to be wealthy to not be sober. Life is good, mostly.

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    1. Now I'm kinda hungry for sauteed yak horn. Yeah, I'm not a picky eater either.

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  27. I have that weird toe too. I don't know that I'm thankful for it. I know for sure I am not thankful for my trees, I have to clean all the leaves out of my gutter and I am not looking forward to it. I'm glad I had my kids when I was younger because there is no way I'd have any now. I'm selfish enough to enjoy all the me time they give me.

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    1. I probably should have had kids when I was younger. The older I get, the more I dread that complete loss of freedom. I like never having to put on pants. And hey, if you fall off the roof cleaning out your gutters at least you can dig into the wall with your extended toe and pull yourself back up. Maybe?

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  28. I'm grateful that I'm just a hair under 6' tall because it helps to not make me look at heavy as I really am!! Oh and my feet. I have really sexy feet.

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    1. Don't be surprised now if creepers on the Internet see this and come to your blog demanding foot pictures.

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  29. Let's see...I'm thankful for the opportunity to pull a string out of my cat's butt yesterday. Thanks for that experience, you furry degenerate.

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    1. And I'm thankful that in my 20 years of owning cats I have never experienced that. Though I'm not ruling out future opportunities.

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  30. Let's see...

    I'm thankful for Excedrin, especially at this festive time of year, when people become so overcome with Holiday Spirit that they just HAVE to steal your parking space in every parking lot, elbow you out of their way, and flip you off in traffic.

    I'm also thankful for eBay, without which I would have been an epic fail as a parent, as well as the means of disappointing my daughter on her birthday this year.

    I'm thankful for chocolate. For obvious reasons.

    Oh, and I'm thankful for family and stuff...

    Happy Turkey Day!!!

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    1. I'm thankful for Amazon so I don't have to be elbowed by people in stores and flipped off in parking lots. I'm also thankful for eBay because see above. And of course chocolate. I don't trust anyone who doesn't like chocolate.

      Happy Turkey Day to you as well!

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  31. I am thankful for the two of you and your kooky humor. You make me laugh. I am thankful for all the great Amazon deals as I watch my credit card balance go up. Of course I am thankful for my wonderful family (most of them) and my good friends.

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    1. Awww thanks. We're thankful for you too. And also for Amazon. As quickly as our book royalties come in we spend them on gifts and goodies. It's a vicious cycle.

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  32. I am thankful I don't have that weird 2nd toe and I'm thankful I didn't slide off into space on dog poo. I am thankful for warm bubble baths, while drinking that cheap wine. Of course I am thankful for a place to live, family and friends, etc..I am thankful for humor as life is just too stressful at times. So, thanks for the laugh. Heck I am just thankful to be alive!

    Happy Thanksgiving!

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    1. Amen to all of that! And with all of the dumb stuff we've done over the years we're both thankful to be alive, too. Cheers to combating Darwinism! Happy Thanksgiving!

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  33. I'm thankful for the lack of concussions this year, my one-eyed hamster, and boobs because why the hell does that need an explanation.

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    1. Fuck. Yes. Hamsters are always cute and boobs are always awesome. It's just a fact.

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  34. >>... e-mail forwards about Obama secretly being a Muslim transsexual space alien.

    Yeah, those are TOTALLY ridiculous!!!

    Anyone who's been paying attention fully knows that there's nuttin' secret about Obama being a Muslim; that it's actually his wife, Michael ("Michelle" - wink!-wink!-nudge!-nudge!), who is the transsexual in the relationship (Barack is just a garden variety gay fellow); and if "space alien" is code for "communist", well... DUH! Even Nick Nolte never telegraphed a punch so blatantly!

    What am I thankful for? Well, to be serious for a moment (pretending for a second that I wasn't absolutely serious before)...

    I'm thankful for good friends (like you).
    I'm thankful for good food (like this package of Dole's "Very Veggie" salad bag mixin's that I just discovered at WinCo Grocery, which I'm truly enjoying with this 666,000 calorie 'Buttermilk' dressing by Hidden Valley spilled liberally [I 'pologize for dat word] all over it).
    And I'm thankful for... the ability to feel thankful for my Second Amendment right.

    MUSIC: 'The Fabulous Baker Boys' movie soundtrack.

    FOOD: 'The Muenster cheese on Buttermilk Bread with Best Foods mayonnaise and cracked pepper sandwich' I'm gonna eat as soon as I finish this bowl of rabbit food with Buttermilk dressing.

    PSEUDO-BEER: Blue Moon's Cinnamon Horchata Ale, which pairs well with Blue Moon's Gingerbread Spiced Ale. (Who needs Cerveza Chilebeso when they've got Cinnamon Horchata?)

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    POSTSCRIPT: Aren't you Beer Boys glad this comment came late, when less blog followers will see it?

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    1. I just wish more people would realize that he's an Irish terrorist. I mean, his name IS Barrack O'Bomber.

      I'm thankful I don't have to eat veggie packs. Or very veggie packs. I'm more of a spinach guy. It sure worked for that Popeye dude, though my focus is not on having bicep sized forearms and forearm sized biceps.

      My mom-in-law's gonna be here soon, so there will be plenty of horchata. I guess I'll have to add my own beer. And since you're vegetarian, I'm actually preparing the turkey this year with bacon on top. Double meat to cancel out your zero. I am all about balance, after all.

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  35. Going green via puppy contributions. An different tactic but does it elevate the greenhouse gas? Can it power a car? What are the ramifications of a great quantity of this product affecting the climate of the Earth? Hope it's a Great Thanksgiving for ABFTS!

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    1. Wow, think if it powered a car. I don't mean as fuel, I just mean as a roadway. People could slide forever to their destination without ever stopping for fuel. But, uh, do bring a face mask to avoid the smell. Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

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  36. That's an excellent list, Beer Boys. My turkey is never dry. I put strips of bacon on the breast and put the turkey in a Reynold's Oven Cooking Bag. I'm thankful that Willy Dunne Wooters will come to my house early in the day on Thanksgiving so he can lift the turkey from the refrigerator where's it's currently thawing. Then he helps me stuff the turkey, and he puts it in the oven. I appreciate his help so much because I'm not supposed to lift more than one pound. Ridiculous! If I followed all the orthopedist's rules, then I wouldn't even be able to pick up my messenger bag. I wish you a blessed Thanksgiving, Beer Boys.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Hey, have you been spying on my recipe book? I'm hosting Thanksgiving this year, and I too am planning to put strips of bacon on top and put it in a Reynold's Oven Cooking Bag. Bacon makes everything better. And Reynold's... well, that was the first thing I saw so I just grabbed it.

      Also, you're not supposed to lift more than one pound? Wow. Imagine if you actually followed that.

      "WDW, answer the phone for me. It's 1.2 lbs. WDW, hold this bowl of soup up to my mouth so I can slurp the broth. It's 3.5 lbs (broth is heavy!). WDW, hold this book up for me for the next 4 hours while I read. It's hardback, so..."

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  37. I'm thankful for........................... *looks around desperately, trying to find something not sounding cheesy to be thankful for* fooooooorrrrr..... you know what? I'm thankful for living far enough from the annoying members of my family that I don't have to worry about them pitching up for Christmas. (We don't have Thanksgiving in South Africa.)

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    1. Cheers to that! Holiday or not, we're always thankful for the distance between ourselves and annoying family members. Sadly, though, some of our annoying family members not only live extremely close, but they insist on showing up to everything. Those are the exact people who need to be shipped off to South Africa. And hey, you could ship yours here. Think of it as a permanent peace of mind exchange program.

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  38. I am thankful for your quick wit, your unique style of humor, and your nonPC blog which provides me with rip roarin' belly laughs.

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    1. Awww, stop it, you're gonna make us feel feelings and that's not what men do.

      Delete
  39. I'm thankful for not having kids, too. I'm thankful for those true friends that buy you alcohol when you've spent all your money on adult things like action figures or video games. I'm sure there's other things I'm thankful for but those really stick out, you know?

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    1. So basically "I'm thankful for not having kids so I can be a kid but with lots of alcohol. Sometimes free alcohol."

      Yeah, we can get behind that. 100%.

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  40. Yeah, I have to bring the whole roll of poop bags with me on walks because my dog likes to poop ~3 times per walk. Doesn't stop my neighbors' dogs from dropping nukes on my lawn, though. That reminds me, I'm thankful that I can make everything about ME!

    But that dog poop scenario was hilariously accurate. Instead of skidding across the ground on one foot, though, I like to slide on the poo for about 3 feet before falling on my back and smearing the feces up the back of my brand new shirt.

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    1. Why do all dogs do this? I have 3 dogs, and it just makes walks miserable. We truly go nowhere. Timeline - leave house, start to pass trashcan. Dog#1 poops. Pick up, walk back to trashcan, dispose. See if anyone else has to go. They don't. Start walking again. Dog#2 poops. Pick up, walk back to trashcan, dispose. Repeat, repeat, repeat. This usually goes on for 30 minutes. One time it took so long that that WAS the walk. I ran out of time and had to bring them back. Yeah, best 1000 foot walk ever. Maybe next time we'll reach the end of the block.

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  41. Don't bother raking the leaves. Just leave them there. It's fine. The wind will probably blow them into your neighbours' yards eventually.

    I wish I had your lack of refined palate .On a related note, I am thankful for the Weyerbacher Brewing Company.

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    1. Well, we have a refined beer palate (thus our beer of the week is never something like Coors or Miller Lite), and thankfully, craft beer isn't that much more expensive when compared to crap wine vs fine wine, crap liquor vs top shelf liquor, etc. So at least there's that.

      The downside? Instead of liking what's available in every grocery store, we like stuff we can't always get. Like Weyerbacher, which I'm sure would be amazing but we will almost certainly never have access to. Womp womp.

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  42. Actually, I begged to sit next to THAT Uncle on Tutkey Day. Let my dog poop wherever he wants (outside), like my kids (other people's - not so much), and have THAT toe on both feet.

    Happy Thanksgiving! I hope you both enjoy the day with your families whoever or however nuts they may be. We don't get to keep them forever.

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    1. Happy Thanksgiving to you, too! Our families are crazier than we are (if you can believe that), so we don't beg to sit next to that uncle. He just sits next to us anyway and then proceeds to tell us everything we wish we didn't know about him.

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  43. I'm thankful for toilet paper.

    Happy Thanksgiving to you guys! Wishing you a safe and enjoyable holiday with friends and family!

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    1. ...And I'm thankful to not be near anyone who doesn't have toilet paper. It makes shaking hands especially awful. Happy Thanksgiving to you too!

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  44. You guys are fucking hilarious as always!

    We do not have children (by choice) and I refuse to invite anyone to my house on Thanksgiving that I don't like. It's one of my great joys of being an adult. I posted about this and may repost!

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    1. This year I'm hosting so I can choose who comes and who doesn't, but previously I've just been invited to other family members' houses, which rules out me tampering with the guest list. My guest list this year: my parents, my wife's parents. No children allowed, under penalty of death. Or something like that.

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  45. Even as I write, warm pie for my pie hole (and the pie holes of others) sits on my stove. IT will disappear like magic tomorrow when all my sons are at the table with their gals.

    Happy Thanksgiving, guys, and be safe! I hope you have a wonderful holiday! <3

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    1. That's my favorite kind of magic, the great disappearing act. Our family is making three pies... and still wondering if that's enough. Happy Thanksgiving to you too! May it be full of equally awesome memories and food.

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  46. I also have that unsightly toe problem that Robin has, but it beats the family bunions. Love your uncle's T-shirt! I'm thankful that my husband doesn't mind grocery shopping, and will pick up last minute items at different stores, while I ready the house for inspector Mom. Happy Thanksgiving Bryan and Brandon, and thanks for always making me laugh, and say "Why didn't I think of that?"

    Julie

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    1. Oh wow, nothing says Thanksgiving quite like the genetic passing down of bunions to your offspring. And a scrutinous inspection by Mom. Happy Thanksgiving!

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  47. Well now I'm thankful for the toe thing, too.

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