This week is Thanksgiving, in which we all gather together and eat dry, overcooked turkey until we hate ourselves, while holding awkward conversation with that racist uncle who never stops sending you cheesy e-mail forwards about Obama secretly being a Muslim transsexual space alien.
It's also a time when we give thanks, and while many will be thankful for things like friends and family and a roof over their heads (lame), we want to each talk about some things we're REALLY thankful for.
Bryan: I'm thankful I can spend at least one more year staving off the terminal, blood-sucking virus that consumes your life for at least two decades and costs hundreds of thousands of dollars to get rid of. No, I'm not talking about Ebola, I'm talking about children. While everyone else is probably thankful for their children, I'm just thankful I don't have them.
Brandon: I'm thankful for the existence of long grass at the park. I know it sounds weird but hear me out. Nine times out of ten, my wife and I have little baggies to collect the turds our dogs drop when we take them on morning walks, buuut, a quarter of the time, after we use and throw them away, the dogs poop AGAIN. And then we're THOSE assholes. You know, the ones planting fecal landmines in the place where you play your adult kickball league games. So, yeah, long grass. It's mother nature's way of helping me hide the shame of my dog's spontaneously never-ending bowels.
Bryan: I'm thankful for boobs, because why would that possibly ever need an explanation?
Brandon: I'm thankful for all of my neighbors' trees. Not having any trees of my own, I'm fortunate that my neighbors on all sides have plenty of them so that I don't have to miss out on raking up mountains of leaves every year. Because really, how the hell are you supposed to fully appreciate autumn without lots of allergy-inflaming yard work? It builds up your arms and it builds up your mucus.
Bryan: I'm thankful for having an exceptionally unrefined palate, one that allows me to enjoy the hell out of a $5 bottle of wine or a $15 bottle of whiskey. Because if I did have a so-called refined palate, imagine how much money I'd have to spend just to drink alcohol that I liked.
Brandon: I'm thankful for my barber. I know that sounds overly obvious, but as a fairly hirsute individual, it's actually pretty important. Without my barber, I would probably look like a wily caveman. Or bigfoot. Or Dave Grohl. And nobody wants to see that.
Bryan: And finally, I'm thankful for not having that weird second toe that extends way past your first toe and looks like a mutated finger. It kinda creeps me out, and I'm not sorry I said it.
So really, cut the cheesy crap. What are YOU thankful for?
Cheers and stay thankful, friends,
Music: Port St. Willow
Beer: Ballast Point Longfin Lager