I suck at adulting. I am no good at being an adult.
I mean, my body is getting older, but I don't feel like an adult. I feel the same as I always have since I was practically a kid. And I guess it doesn't help that while the gray hairs are slowly coming in, I have a bit of a baby face and a thin build, so I still look like a kid in many ways.
But I'm not complaining. Still getting carded for rated R movies is awesome. What's weird is this feeling that I should be a responsible adult by now. That, at some point - be it 18 when I could be charged as an adult or 21 when I could legally drink alcohol or even 25 when my insurance went down because that's the magic number that suddenly makes me a good driver - a light switch should have been flipped in my brain that said, "HEY, YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW."
...But that just never happened.
But I don't feel like an adult. At all. To me, an adult is mature. Responsible. They know all of the answers. And yet, 32 years later, I don't know squat. Like, I've been doing them for countless years now, but I still don't understand how the hell taxes work.
My strategy for filing taxes online is to fill out the forms, and assume that if I was committing tax fraud that Turbo Tax would tell me so and stop me. And so far I've been doing okay. I have not yet been jailed for tax fraud, despite having no actual idea what the hell I'm doing with very important legal documents.
This is my yearly strategy. I can't help but feel that a real adult would NOT do that.
I also suck at cleaning the house. I always assumed that when you got older, you LIKED to clean. That you wanted to keep your house in nice order, and to vacuum all the time, and to dust in a manner that was not just wiping off a thick layer of dirt with your shirt sleeve. So you did it, both regularly and willingly.
And yet, the magic thing that makes adults want to clean the house never came in for me.
Is that how an adult thinks? Is that how an adult chooses to solve their problems? I feel like it shouldn't be, and yet here I am, dusting more crumbs off of my lap as I type this and letting them sprinkle the floor, where I assume a dog (God's vacuum) will just come by and "clean it up" for me. Because I, as an adult, would rather do something like play video games or watch cartoons than be bothered to clean up my own mess.
These can NOT be the words of a functioning adult.
I can't even eat right. When I was young, my mom told me, "Sure, you want to eat nothing but cookies right now, but when you get older you'll want to eat normal, healthy foods with your family and you won't really care about stuffing yourself with sweets."
And you know what? That's a damn dirty lie. Because I could sit down and eat an entire cake RIGHT NOW if I wanted to. I probably can't even count the amount of times I've polished off an entire box of cookies in one sitting, just because I could. And on countless occasions I've done things like eaten half a cold pizza for breakfast because I was too lazy to make something and it sounded like a viable substitute.
I suck at adulting.
And later today I can promise you I'm going to stuff myself with birthday cake until my feet go numb. Why, as the years pass, is this still an acceptable birthday practice for me? Why do I have no desire to just say, "Oh, thank you but no thank you, I'll just have a nice kale salad and a light beer and we can celebrate my birthday in spirit."
Because I suck at adulting.
So really, I'm getting older, but I don't feel one bit closer to becoming what they call "an adult." I don't know all of the answers. I hate cleaning. I love shoving my pie hole full of sugary snacks. I love watching cartoons and playing video games. And honestly, at this point, I'd be horrified if I woke up one morning and didn't laugh when someone pointed to a USB thumb drive and asked if they could "use my dongle." Or if I couldn't take down a whole pizza, which just seems like the appropriate thing to do on a Thursday morning.
In other words, if growing up means becoming boring, I'm okay with being a 32 year old man-child. Anyone else suck at adulting?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)
Music: They Might Be Giants
Beer: New Belgium + Ben and Jerry's Salted Caramel Brownie Ale (case in point)