Monday, November 9, 2015

But How Do I Adult?

Hey all. Bryan here, and today, November 9th, is officially my 32nd birthday. So I'd like to take this opportunity to make an announcement.

I suck at adulting. I am no good at being an adult.

I mean, my body is getting older, but I don't feel like an adult. I feel the same as I always have since I was practically a kid. And I guess it doesn't help that while the gray hairs are slowly coming in, I have a bit of a baby face and a thin build, so I still look like a kid in many ways.


But I'm not complaining. Still getting carded for rated R movies is awesome. What's weird is this feeling that I should be a responsible adult by now. That, at some point - be it 18 when I could be charged as an adult or 21 when I could legally drink alcohol or even 25 when my insurance went down because that's the magic number that suddenly makes me a good driver - a light switch should have been flipped in my brain that said, "HEY, YOU'RE AN ADULT NOW."

...But that just never happened.






But I don't feel like an adult. At all. To me, an adult is mature. Responsible. They know all of the answers. And yet, 32 years later, I don't know squat. Like, I've been doing them for countless years now, but I still don't understand how the hell taxes work.



My strategy for filing taxes online is to fill out the forms, and assume that if I was committing tax fraud that Turbo Tax would tell me so and stop me. And so far I've been doing okay. I have not yet been jailed for tax fraud, despite having no actual idea what the hell I'm doing with very important legal documents.

This is my yearly strategy. I can't help but feel that a real adult would NOT do that.

I also suck at cleaning the house. I always assumed that when you got older, you LIKED to clean. That you wanted to keep your house in nice order, and to vacuum all the time, and to dust in a manner that was not just wiping off a thick layer of dirt with your shirt sleeve. So you did it, both regularly and willingly.

And yet, the magic thing that makes adults want to clean the house never came in for me.








Is that how an adult thinks? Is that how an adult chooses to solve their problems? I feel like it shouldn't be, and yet here I am, dusting more crumbs off of my lap as I type this and letting them sprinkle the floor, where I assume a dog (God's vacuum) will just come by and "clean it up" for me. Because I, as an adult, would rather do something like play video games or watch cartoons than be bothered to clean up my own mess.

These can NOT be the words of a functioning adult.

I can't even eat right. When I was young, my mom told me, "Sure, you want to eat nothing but cookies right now, but when you get older you'll want to eat normal, healthy foods with your family and you won't really care about stuffing yourself with sweets."

And you know what? That's a damn dirty lie. Because I could sit down and eat an entire cake RIGHT NOW if I wanted to. I probably can't even count the amount of times I've polished off an entire box of cookies in one sitting, just because I could. And on countless occasions I've done things like eaten half a cold pizza for breakfast because I was too lazy to make something and it sounded like a viable substitute.

I suck at adulting.





And later today I can promise you I'm going to stuff myself with birthday cake until my feet go numb. Why, as the years pass, is this still an acceptable birthday practice for me? Why do I have no desire to just say, "Oh, thank you but no thank you, I'll just have a nice kale salad and a light beer and we can celebrate my birthday in spirit."

Because I suck at adulting.

So really, I'm getting older, but I don't feel one bit closer to becoming what they call "an adult." I don't know all of the answers. I hate cleaning. I love shoving my pie hole full of sugary snacks. I love watching cartoons and playing video games. And honestly, at this point, I'd be horrified if I woke up one morning and didn't laugh when someone pointed to a USB thumb drive and asked if they could "use my dongle." Or if I couldn't take down a whole pizza, which just seems like the appropriate thing to do on a Thursday morning.

In other words, if growing up means becoming boring, I'm okay with being a 32 year old man-child. Anyone else suck at adulting?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: They Might Be Giants
Beer: New Belgium + Ben and Jerry's Salted Caramel Brownie Ale (case in point)


127 comments:

  1. Happy birthday! Some grey hair? Give it twenty years. Trust me.
    I'm an adult in some areas. (My wife calls me Mr. Responsible.) But in others, yeah, I'd rather just eat junk and play games.
    Will you hit adult at my age? Heck no! Uranus jokes will be funny until the day we die.

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    1. YES! That might be the best birthday news I've ever heard. Well, unless you had another Uranus joke lying around. And I don't mind the grey hairs. I just wish they'd all go white already and give me that slick Anderson Cooper/Steve Martin look instead of just making me look like a grey-striped porcupine.

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  2. Happy Birthday! I don't think there's a set definition of "adult", I think we have a skewed idea of what adults are based on our childhood misconceptions. Our parents and teachers tricked us as kids into thinking that someday farts would become less funny (they don't) or that at some age you have life figured out (no one does). I mean, look at Richard Branson. That dude started several businesses but named them all "Virgin" because even billionaires are idiot man-children. Finding joy in indulging the silly even though you know of all the horrors of the world means that you are adulting just fine.

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    1. Awww yeah, the next time I'm watching cartoons in my underwear (and laughing at a fart joke, I'm sure) and drinking a beer at 11 in the morning I'm going to remember that you said I was adulting just fine.

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  3. Hey I am second. I am much older than you and much older than Alex. I hate cleaning. Luckily our taxes are simple compared to yours. In fact the only way we differ is that I don't much like pizza. I know you do cook Bryan. Enjoy your birthday and stuff yourself with cake if you want. I wouldn't dare because I don't want birthday cake hips. Now go study Uranus.

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    1. I wouldn't mind some birthday cake hips. Do those come with birthday cake arms? Mine could use a little beefing up. Wait, that's probably not a thing. And I do cook, but not because I'm fancy, but simply because it's easier to make my own cake and stuff myself with it than buy my own lesser cake at the store. :)

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  4. The problem is that everyonoe else is just faking it too. You just didn't realize that when you were a kid because you had a freakishly underdeveloped brain and were scared of all of the giants that controlled the cars and your grades.

    Do you know how I know this? Because when I fail miserably at adulting - say I write a terrible blog post or I show up to work drunk - nobody notices. Later on, I think, "Is my normal self so terrible that no one even noticed THAT?"

    But they didn't. Because they were too busy hoping no one would notice they wore mismatched shoes that day and had gum stuck in their hair.

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    1. Hey, you may call my brain freakishly underdeveloped as a child but I'll have you know it's probably still freakishly underdeveloped now. And I still fear giants. They are a real threat, and when they come for you they will peel your flesh from your bones and crush your brain into a jelly that they will then smear on their oversized toast. There, I said it.

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  5. Happy Birthday, Bryan! The truly important thing is that you've found your adolescent soulmate in your lovely purple-haired wife!

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    1. Ain't that the truth! Here's to one more year of her not realizing she can do better! Cheers!

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  6. I totally suck at adulting. I just assumed that how you file taxes because that's how I've been doing it.Can you blog from jail? I remember once my dad told me I can't just fix mac n cheese for me and the girls and call it dinner. I asked why not because we all love it. Hope you have a great birthday.

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    1. I'm sure you can blog from jail. After all, convicts DO have dating profiles from jail.

      And I still fix myself mac and cheese for dinner constantly. It's my favorite. I put "real" cheeses in it like mozzarella or goat cheese and add something like shrimp and suddenly it's a gourmet meal. Or so the trendy hipster restaurant down the street would tell me ($15 for mac and cheese? What the fuck?).

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    2. Holy crap! I just don't even know what to say about that. Even I haven't been single long enough to attempt inmate dating. Looking at the profile pic I am just sure Julio is wrongfully convicted.

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    3. I bet underneath that mask Julio is just a big teddy bear. Not in that he's cute and cuddly, but in that he will maul you and literally eat your face.

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  7. Happy Birthday!

    (He said shuttlecock huh huh huh)

    Yeah, um, my job is to do taxes and there are still times I have to re-read some of the IRS forms eleventy times to make sure I'm answering it correctly. Those bastards have us set up for failure.

    Good to know I'm not the only one wiping off crumbs for the dogs to catch. I do it in the kitchen so I don't have to sweep every night. Poor dogs get so confused. I yell at them for begging but then call them in there to as I'm Windexing the counters. Meh, they're getting fed right?

    Oh, and ice cubes, they get kicked to one dog who likes to chew on them…at least to a point. The tiny pieces melt into the carpet I guess.

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    1. I was waiting to see what you would say about taxes. I thought you would come in and say, "Well, they're actually pretty easy once you sit down and try to learn about them instead of just glazing over everything." Nope, even YOU don't get all of it. In that case, I'm glad to know I'm not stupid, and that the so-called taxman really is an over-complicating asshole that just wants to see us fail.

      And hey, that made me think of a new phrase. If anyone asks why I'm kicking ice around, I can just say I'm watering the carpet.

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  8. Happy birthday, Bryan! I suck at adulting too, and I'm guilty of that ice cube under the fridge trick. Don't tell my kid! I have to pretend I'm a good adult for the kid. Yet he knows if I'm cleaning, it means someone is coming over to the house.

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    1. Oh no, what if all adults are just pretending to be good adults for their kids? And when they grow up, they too will become half-assed adults? This all makes so much sense now. I'm going to ask my parents later if they do the kicking the ice cube under the fridge trick. If I inherited it from them. If I did... my whole world will be shattered. Well, not really. It'll just justify my lazy actions.

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  9. lmao adult? What's that? I think I gave away the fact that I suck at adulting when I decided to be a rhyming cat. I went in the casino a while ago and they insisted I had a fake id and tried to take my drivers license from me, I threatened to sue them if I got caught driving without a license and they gave it back and let me in. I guess minors don't threaten lawsuits? Happy Birthday!

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    1. Thanks, man! And cheers to a fellow baby face. One time while buying liquor the dude brought in his manager and an assistant manager to look at my ID under a magnifying glass (who just has one of those lying around, honestly?) because they thought it was fake. If you're an organ donor it has a heart stamp on it. I guess I wasn't at the time, because my license didn't have one, so they were suspicious. I joked, "I guess I'm just heartless." That went over like a fart in church. I should have just threatened a lawsuit. Got my beer at least, though. They were genuinely pissed. Like somehow I had made the PERFECT fake ID and they just had to sell to me.

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  10. Bryan:
    First off, a very HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
    (from here, you don't look a day over 18)
    Have a slice for me.

    The whole "adult" thing is just that...a THING (from another world?)
    I'm certainly NOT the type of adult that I remember my parents being, but everything changes, and perhaps that might be good (once in a while).

    Nothing wrong with trinkets and toys, either (some day some of them they WILL be worth some serious scratch). I learned this the hard way (and lost a lotta moolah as a result).

    Rather than think of "adulthood" as a SWITCH that is only flipped ON or OFF, I prefer to believe it's more like a DIMMABLE device.
    Turn it DOWN when you NEED to be a REAL adult, and turn it UP when you need to express your "inner child".

    As for that Turbo Tax question, I'd ask why is there no "ALL OF THE ABOVE"?

    I think there ARE times to take things seriously, as well as times to laugh you ass off at the "Theater of the Absurd" that surrounds us daily.

    The trick is knowing the difference.
    Perhaps THAT is what adulthood really is all about.

    Excellent post (and fantastic cartoons as usual).

    Stay safe (and cake-filled) out there.

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    1. Oh snap, Bob comes in bringing the wisdom. It's true, I do know when it's appropriate to laugh and not to laugh at that wonderful Uranus joke. I probably wouldn't do that during a wedding. Or a funeral. Maybe this is what adulthood feels like, and it's incredibly underwhelming.

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  11. If you pick "photosynthesis", you're going to have to attach three copies of form CLPHYL-339R. You should be fine as long you've kept receipts for all bio-duct exposure transfers. Make sure they're printed in blue ink if you live in 448 school district or above.

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    1. I only have form CLPHYL-339S-A. I used to have CLPHYL-339S-B but I lost that one. Also, I don't have any receipts for bio-duct exposure transfers but I do have a receipt for a tomato aquaponics kit I got at a Hobby Lobby. I also... you know fuck it just take me to jail. I give up.

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  12. Ha, ha, ha! I suck at adulting too AND I've logged in a few more years than you. (I think I may have a pair of shoes that are 32 years old). Every time I try to do something like an adult I fail miserably, so I think what the heck, why not just be me and have fun with it. Cleaning - isn't that what rugs are for (as in sweeping it under). Cooking healthy food - so who says chocolate isn't a valid food group? Taxes - oops, I think I'm currently being investigated for that one. Do you suppose all the stuffed animals crowding around my computer at this very moment, will help to convince them, I'm really a fun and cuddly gal, who would do no harm.

    In short, what I'm trying to say is have a very H-A-P-P-Y B-I-R-T-H-D-A-Y! Now, where's my piece of cake. I haven't had breakfast yet and a gigantic piece of Birthday Cake is exactly what I had in mind.

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    1. Breakfast is the most important meal of the day. On your birthday, cake is the most important part of the celebration. Therefore, I reason that cake for breakfast is the most important meal you'll have all year. This is my adult reasoning, and I'm glad you stand behind it. :)

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  13. Happy Birthday, Bryan! You're an awesome child-man and friend. If you didn't suck at being an adult, we wouldn't love you as much as we do.

    Every year at tax time, I go through the forms thinking "Damn, a degree from Berkeley even, and I don't understand any of this sh*t." Thanks for affirming that I'm not the only intelligent person who doesn't understand tax forms.

    Enjoy your day!

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    1. Thanks! I'm glad I'm not the only one who doesn't understand taxes. I mean, I know I'm not a Mensa level genius, but basic tax forms make me feel like a slobbering idiot. And trust me, I realize that if I was any good at being an adult I wouldn't draw silly cartoons on a weekly basis and call that part of "my life's work." No reasonable adult does that.

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  14. Happy Birthday. Mine is later this week and even though I'm old enough to be your mother, I can say that adulting doesn't really start until you have kids and then you have to pretend to be the adult. Doesn't always work. And having taught PE for over 30 years, I still can't introduce teenagers to badminton without the shuttlecock giggle. It never gets not-funny. Turbo Tax, don't even talk about it.

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    1. I like that all I've learned today is that adults just fake it with their kids so they can convey a sense of responsibility. I don't know if I'm ready to fake responsibility for the sake of kids. I like being who I am - an irresponsible adult-shaped child.

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  15. Happy birthday!

    I think the whole "adult" thing is a myth. I'm 25, and I have to frequently remind myself that I'm not a teenager anymore. Every time I have to do this, I'm shocked. I just don't think of myself as an adult, and I don't think I ever will.

    I like cake for breakfast. What better way can there be to start the day?

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    1. And let me tell you, it doesn't go away. I still feel like a teenager. And cake contains milk and eggs, which is a vital part of breakfast (or so I've heard) and plenty of people eat things like sugary cereal for breakfast anyway so really it's like taking all of those things and mashing it together. Cake breakfast. It's pretty much nutritional.

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  16. I suck as an adult. I'm just the same as you really. I feel bad about it at 25 so I feel a little better now knowing that you, at 32, are in exactly the same problem. To be honest I think that writers and other creative types just never grow up and that's why we end up doing what we do. I think part of my problem is also that I've never had a "real job". I've never experienced the hum drum of the office life that makes you become like an adult. But I believe you and Brandon have so I don't know if that really factors into the equation.

    I just know that, mentally, I'm not where I should be. But maybe as a writer that's not such a bad thing. If we weren't as childish and imaginative then we wouldn't be able to do what we do. So I think I can live with it. As long as I can live with what I do. Maybe one day I will have to be dragged kicking and screaming into the real world. Who knows?

    In any event, happy birthday! Go nuts. Eat cold pizza and shove your face full of cake. On my last birthday I had the pizza place give me some cake.

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    1. You're right, I worked in an office setting for 10 years straight and still didn't grow up. If anything, being stuck in that made me want to grow up even less.

      And it's true, I mean, who else boasts "Job title: making shit up all day long"? There's something mentally wrong with us writers... but in the best way possible, I think.

      And hey, thanks! Our pizza places don't have cake, but they do have dessert pizzas, which can hold candles and taste awesome; those two things are really my only requirements for a proper birthday cake.

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  17. Happy birthday! Adulting is highly over rated and should be approached with caution. Once you put on the hat of the "adult in the room" you will never be able to take it off. ..so fling that fedora and run the other way.

    My husband frequently asks, "Am I ever gonna grow up?"

    I always reply: "Dear God, I hope not."

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    1. Oh no, trust me, I'll never put on an adult hat. Especially if it's a fedora. 99% of guys look awful in one, as evident by this meme.

      Also, damn good answer for your husband. If growing up is a choice, then I certainly choose to never do such an awful and boring thing.

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  18. I'm twice your age and find that in many ways I have also not left puberty and started adultery. I will sit down with an entire package of cookies, but now my belly hurts if I eat the whole thing. That and I can gain weight like a pro rassler on 'roids if I do. One pound of cookies equals 2 pounds of useless fat. Excuse me, but I have to go turn the petcock on my radiator. Har, har, har!
    To be honest I still feel like I am about 27, but my body is not as resilient as it once was. I pay dearly for acting the age I think I am.

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    1. That just reminded me that I need to change the ballcock in my toilet. Hur hur hur.

      Also, cookies may make my stomach feel like it got nutpunched by Thor but I'll still eat the whole package, because I'm resilient. And isn't that what being an adult is all about? Persevering against the impossible? YES WE CAN.

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  19. At 32, yer still a young 'un!

    If you think you feel your body getting older now, wait another twenty years!

    In your fifties, you go to yawn and throw your back out!

    I used to think there was a point where you turned into an adult...but basically adults are just kids who lived. The responsible ones just happened to be thrown into situations where they had to suck it up, stop laughing at the word "uranus" and be responsible.

    But if you get that responsible man away from his wife and do a good fake fart, he's still going to laugh.

    Happy birthday...and stay young!

    Larry

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    1. All kidding aside, right now at 32 I'm in the best shape of my life and would wipe the floor with 22 year old me. I figure this is my prime. I know it'll just go downhill from here, so I'm savoring it while I still have it. While sneezes and yawns don't yet incapacitate me, and I can walk up a set of stairs without my joints playing a full-on musical number.

      Thanks, Larry!

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  20. Happy birthday!

    Well, I chose to watch Inside Out yesterday rather than Southpaw, and I was giggling like a gopher at the silly jokes. I also read comics, laugh at farts, and have acne. Though, I'm good at paying bills, so I'm pretty much an adult.

    Then again, old people that have a sense of humor about absurd things are far more likable than old people who post rage-filled political "memes" on Facebook.

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    1. I think Inside Out was a much better choice. I saw Southpaw and thought it was very meh. No comics, no farts, and no acne. And yes, isn't acne a bitch? I got a huge zit on my cheek the other day, as if to remind me "You think you're done with that teenage shit yet? Guess again."

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  21. Not to make you feel old, but... hot damn you're getting old! Relatively speaking, that is. I've barely entered my twenties, and you're already well over thirty. That's an eleven year difference, and at my age that's pretty big. So sorry, but I wouldn't date you.

    The thing with being an adult is that there is no such thing. As you mentioned, there isn't a switch or defining moment that makes you an adult for the rest of your life. There may be a realization somewhere down the line, "holy shit look at me go", but that's about it for most people. You don't "grow up". You just change, like you have been doing for your entire life. Some people shape more towards shouldering responsibilities, doing what is expected of them, being a good upstanding citizen. Others prefer sticking with their roots, not giving a fuck, simply doing what they feel like.
    There are no wrong answers to the question "what does an adult do?"
    You sound like you're enjoying your unhealthy lifestyle, so congratulations, you're living it up! I know I wouldn't be able to do that (hell, I'm already forcing myself to lay off the fried and fast food, simply because it makes me feel like shit), but that's just my way of rolling. Your choice, my choice, it's all adulthood.

    And if anyone says otherwise, tell them you're sorry they suffer from adultism.

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    1. My unhealthy lifestyle? Ouch, man! Let this old man assure you, I don't eat whole cakes or half pizzas or fast food on the regular. And if I do splurge on some junk food, it's okay, because I've burned off the calories to earn it. I've been training MMA for almost 10 years now (I spent a few months in Thailand training Muay Thai under a major general of the Thai army), and usually practice about 1-2 hours per day. Every day. Rain, snow, or crippling flu. I'm in the best shape of my life right now, and I'm not afraid to reward myself with some cake or some greasy burgers here and there to keep me happy. I earned it with blood, busted knuckles, and hundreds of very one-sided sparring sessions with my Body Opponent Bag (but you can call him BOB). :)

      And don't let that fool you into thinking I'm a responsible adult. I just really, really like punching, kicking, kneeing, and choking things.

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    2. Hah, sorry if it sounded like I was cramping your style. Nothing wrong with an unhealthy lifestyle if that's your thing. And I didn't know it wasn't actually that bad! That's what you get for writing in hyperboles though. ;D
      Your Muay Thai training sounds really cool, and super intense. And yes, you can view greasy burgers as a reward, that's one way. I personally see it as countering all the progress I've made, so I steer away from it for that reason.
      To each their own though, I'm definitely a bit jealous!

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    3. Nah no harm done and no style cramped. I just love childish foods, and don't mind working a little harder to enjoy them from time to time.

      OH GOD THAT ALMOST SOUNDED RESPONSIBLE WHAT IS HAPPENING TO ME?

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  22. Happy Birthday Bryan. Have a wonderful day and many more. Being adulty is way overrated. It just makes you get old. Carry on with your fun self.

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    1. Eww, I don't want to get old. Old people smell like if moths perspired. Kidding aside, thanks!

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  23. Happy Birthday! Hope your day is filled with fun things and laughter.

    I have news for you, I have 20 plus years on you but I still don't know all the answers and I hate to clean, altho I like a clean house good food ergo, I'm sorta adulting. Being the oldest in my family I had to learn to be responsible but given a choice there are many things I'd much rather do, like draw or read.

    I've always felt that being an adult doesn't mean being deadly dull. I think it's important to maintain a sense of playfulness and I have a 21 year old who doesn't know whether to laugh or hide when his dad and I have a wet papertowel fights, lol! Hey, my mom was still battling us in water gun fights when she was in her mid 60's. She's sneaky, too, got us more times than we got her. She's 79 and still likes to play. :-)

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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    1. Thank you! That's great to hear. Slowing down shouldn't mean slowing down on the fun. And a wet paper towel fight sounds like a blast at any age. I'll have to wet one, slap my wife in the face with it, and see what she does. I'm sending you all of the resulting medical bills, btw. :)

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  24. Happy Birthday Bryan!

    Adulting sucks, except when used by vicious little toads to try to corral people who are actually having fun and a life.
    In fact, the only person I've ever met who actually liked adulting, and cleaning, etc... is my sister in law, the ax murderer.

    I'm 54, therefore wis..... LOL, yeah not!

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    1. Thank you kindly! I never correlated a love of cleaning with crazy, but it adds up. My mom loves cleaning and she's also a nut (in a mostly good way!) Aside from her, I don't trust anyone that willingly loves cleaning.

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  25. Have kids.
    That will change everything.
    Okay, that's not true.
    My 12-year-old daughter is a better adult than me.

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    1. I have a feeling having kids would only enable my love of playing. The legos would come out, and I. Have. Bins FULL of those suckers.

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    2. But, see, when you do it in conjunction with kids, you're being a good adult.
      See how that works?

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  26. It was obviously photosynthesis.

    Happy Birthday

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    1. Maybe next year I'll study harder but this year I was studying for my anniversary. Aced it!

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  27. Happy birthday and enjoy every yummy bite of that cake. Cake is the most wonderful thing about birthdays! Oh and if it makes you feel any better, I'm 20 years older than you and I still think farts are hilarious. Very adult of me I know.

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    1. Farts are timeless. Farts are forever. Farts, like good fashion, never go out of style.

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  28. "November 9th? Nobody's born on November 9th anymore, man. Nobody's born on November 9th."

    Borrowed that line and adapted it from one of your favorite movies. But you're so old you won't even be able to remember where it came from!

    Well, don't feel bad. We all age, but that doesn't mean we have to grow up. "I DON'T WANNA GROW UP! I'M A TOYS-R-US KID."

    I liked your ice cube remedy, because it's the same one I employ.

    I spoke on the phone yesterday for the first time with Dixie Polka and she said I sounded "really young" on the phone. I told her that it was the little boy, alive and well in me. Then I asked her if her refrigerator was running...

    Just yesterday, I put away a full pint of Steve's Burnt Sugar Vanilla ice cream in one sitting. I only stopped because the container went dry on me. Had it been a half gallon, I'd have consumed the entire half gallon in one sitting.

    There's much to be said for non-adulting, and I intend to avoid becoming an adult for as long as there's beer, ice cream and Deputy Dawg cartoons.

    H.B., 6-B!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    POSTSCRIPT:
    "Taxes? Nobody pays taxes anymore, man. Nobody pays taxes."

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    1. A comment? Nobody makes a comment anymore, man. Nobody makes a comment."

      If you sound really young on the phone, then I must sound like a pre-teen boy. Not a dig against you, more of me sounding like my juevos never dropped 100%. I'm holding out for a rich baritone come my 33rd, though. I can feel it.

      Also, I'm all for beer and ice cream, but don't ever try beer ice cream. It's horrible. Just horrible. Do not recommend.

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  29. Happy Birthday Bryan. Adulting? I think that's a stupid word, don't you? I hope you can still eat a whole cake 30 years from now and still be slim. It usually doesn't work that way but hey...we can dream right? At 32 I was just starting to take my future seriously and quick smoking that stuff you grow in Colorado. I consumed way too much so when I quit, things started falling in place. Does that mean I was "adulting"? Nah...I'm just as goofy now as I was at 17. Just with more laugh lines!

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    1. Adulting is a stupid word, isn't it? No wonder we're so bad at it. And not to put salt in the wound, but my dad is 62 and actually weighs 10 lbs less than I do. I have many years of cake eating ahead of me without having to pay for it. Muahaha.

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  30. God, when I was 32 (and you can stick a newly minted able-to-drinker in between then and now) I had no clue what an adult was, and wasn't looking too hard to figure it out. By the Martin sliding scale of necessity, I figure you have a good 17-20 years before it becomes a problem. Honest to God, there are times when we walk along a yard and I expect someone to lean out the door and yell, "You kids get outta my yard!"

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    1. Youth must be a mentality that people can pick up on, then. More than once, and including just in the last week, people have referred to the wife and I as "kids" when we were doing something. By complete strangers. Hey, no complaints here, I see myself as a 32 year old kid.

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  31. Happy happy birthday! I would totally eat junk all day every day if i was ok with becoming a giant horrible food monster. But seriously. I dreamed about eating candy last night. Not even classy sweets - gummy worms and swedish fish. Yum. Enjoy the birthday cake!

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    1. Thanks! Gummy worms and Swedish fish don't need to be classy to taste amazing. Which they do. Now I wish my cake had gummy worms on top (gummy worms in chocolate frosting - ultra classy).

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  32. Puh-leeze. The complexity of your tax return pales in comparison to mine. I honestly don't know how much money I made last financial year. It's something to do with having more jobs than friends. And I have a decent amount of friends.

    Also, this.

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    1. Yeah, I wouldn't even want to imagine what your taxes look like. I'd just walk my ass to the police station and say here you go, arrest me for tax fraud, I already know I'm going to screw this up royally.

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  33. Happy birthday! And, don't feel alone, we are all faking adulthood. Some people are just really good at it.

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    1. Thanks! And yes, as you can probably tell, I'm really bad at it.

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  34. I'm a terrible adult. The good thing is, without makeup, I still look about 15. With makeup, I'm usually accused of being 17 or 18. So nobody actually expects me to be an adult. Except my boss. But he thinks I'm funny so if I say something childish, he'll laugh instead of fire me.

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    1. Hey, what a coincidence, without makeup I look like a teenager too! ...Wait.

      Sounds like you have a great boss. My boss is kind of a dick, but he loves my jokes. Also, I'm my own boss.

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  35. I'm pretty sure people never learn to fully adult. And taxes weren't meant to be understood. Happy Birthday again!

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    1. I once tried to even just halfway adult and I sprained my brain stem. The only cure was 4 straight hours of video games. It's a real thing.

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  36. Happy Birthday Bryan! Gosh I'm 19yrs older and still feel like I am , well, your age. I love Bugs Bunny and the Flintstones. I got hooked on X-men and I collect Kinder surprise toys. I have met "responsible" adults and they are boring as sh&^%. Who doesn't love pranks and watching men get hit in the groin (unless you are the actual man getting hit in the groin). I am proud that I call my dog over to lick up any spills that occur and that Chocolate is a food from the gods.

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    1. My first response to your comment was "awww, I can't collect Kinder surprise toys because those are illegal here." Then I really wanted to watch Bugs Bunny and the Flintstones again. Yeah, I'm a child. And per Homer Simpson, give me "Man getting hit in groin with football" over artsy crap any day.

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    2. Umm....Kinder surprises are illegal there? Really? One can carry an arsenal of guns, flame throwers and all but you can't get a Kinder surprise? An art film should be made about this "Fin"

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    3. Yep they're actually illegal. Our government thinks we'll be too stupid and eat (and choke on) the tiny toy on the inside so they protect us from ourselves. The people even petitioned to lift the ban last year but it was rejected. God bless this free country of ours!

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  37. Happy Birthday!!

    I didn't feel like an adult until I had a kid and had a small person totally dependent on me. Then my daughter turned 18 and moved out and now I can eat cereal for dinner if I want to because I don't have a toddler staring me down for my frosted flakes and I don't have to be the 'good example' anymore. lol Oh and I still don't like to clean. I do a thorough cleaning about a week before family shows up for Thanksgiving dinner. LOL

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    1. Wow, being a good example sounds awful! But really, I know the feeling with cleaning. My parents came over to visit yesterday so the wife and I went into "emergency cleaning mode." That means we cleaned the house for probably the first time in about 6 months.

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  38. Same here. I guess my priorities lie elsewhere.

    Ooh. Chocolate.

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    1. Chocolate is fantastic. So is beer. But chocolate beer? It's always awful. Always. And I just don't know why.

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  39. LOL! Visiting from Pat's post featuring you today. Happy Birthday, Bryan! I'm twice your age, and guess what? The magic adulthood phase where one foregoes M&Ms for kale and loves housekeeping didn't happen for me. Thank goodness! I hope you had a great day!

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    1. Hey, nice to meet you, and thanks! I worry that one day I'm going to wake up and suddenly want to be responsible, but thank God there are people like yourself who can inspire me to hold onto my childishness for years to come.

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  40. Happy Birthday! I'm 44, and I'm still trying to figure out this adulating thing. It's complicated!

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    1. It's so complicated I just think I'm going to give up altogether. Trying is severely overrated.

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  41. Definitely I suck at adulting, and I've been trying it for 30 years. It doesn't suit me at all. Ive given up getting better at it, to the dismay of my twenty year old kindling.

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    1. I'm sure glad I don't have any spawn to disappoint, because I'm definitely abandoning ship on the S.S. Responsible Adult.

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  42. Guilty, of all of this stuff. I too suck at adulting, mostly the money part of it. The fact that I still don't have any, nothing to show for all these years of adulting... But, I have some awesome kids and they make me be adult like sometimes ;)

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    1. When I was a kid I was like, "Wow, I can't wait to be an adult so I can have money and buy whatever I want." And now all I can think is, where the fuck is all this money I was promised?

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  43. Happy . . . belated . . . Birthday!!!!

    Mine is coming up in a couple weeks and I'm pondering the same question. It doesn't seem like I should be allowed to adult. Whoever is in charge of the decision about who's ready and who's not, is clearly a child. lol.

    I'm a very organized 'adult', I keep the house in order at ALL times, I'm a neat freak. IN MY HEAD. In reality? Well, no. Just no.

    Also, not laughing at uranus jokes is hard. Hard... this just brings a whole 'nother set of "that's what she said" jokes o_O

    S.K. Anthony: Romance v Horror: The Trailer

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    1. On the whole, it's hard not to laugh at uranus. Giggle giggle. Also, the expression "that's what she said" - it comes and goes in this household but it's always good for cheap, easy amusement. Also that is what she said.

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  44. First off...Happie Burfdae!
    Second...Kicking things under the fridge when the dog is not around is perfectly acceptable behavior...when no one is around.
    Third...You only need to watch your weight and health when you're like me and the Dr says do it now or die. So you got another 9 or 10 years of M&M cakes to gorge on while drinking a nice Oatmeal Stout.
    Oh and by the way, if you just don't clean, ever, then your woman will have to make the sacrifice and do it for you. It's called training.

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    1. Unfortunately I'm bad at training women and mine never learned to like cleaning. And last time I saw the doctor he said I was in incredible shape, so I look forward to many years of face stuffing and liver punishing.

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  45. As you were going through your Ice Cube Options, I was aggressively thinking, "No, dude, you kick it under the fridge!" And then there it was. So obviously I'm not an adult yet either. Maybe when I hit 70.

    Happy birthday!

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    1. Oh, trust me, my friend, this is not my first time around a fallen ice cube. And it can't be 70, because that's when people start regressing toward acting like a child again. If there's one thing I've learned about the 70+, it's that this is when you truly do not give a fuck what people think about your actions anymore. I aspire to that.

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  46. Happy belated birthday! I hope you had a great day, and a rockin' year. Celebrate all month, I do. No, that is not an adult thing to do, but I do it all the time. I'm still on the fence as to being an adult. Sometimes I hit the mark, and sometimes, I'm just so junior high. Stay young in mind and the rest will follow.

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    1. Ooh, I completely forgot about the Birthday Month. Around here it's the Birthday Week. I'm on day 3 and going strong. Yesterday was pizza, today's ice cream (and it even snowed, so it's definitely not ice cream weather). If that isn't young in mind I don't know what is.

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  47. I can totally relate to this. In fact I feel like my kids are getting older than I am. I'm doing pretty good at playing old man, but I don't feel all that much like seeming like an adult. I might even be regressing. I'm hoping my wife buys me some toys for Christmas.

    Arlee Bird
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Good for you! I know the feeling. I'm hoping my stocking is full of toys as well. No matter how old I get, I'm still disappointed when I get clothes. One day I'll be 70 years old and I'll get a Christmas sweater and I'll still rumple my brow and say, "Oh... a sweater. Great." Then throw it in the corner. Then go play with some gadget I got myself.

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    2. The dreaded Christmas sweater! NO, no, no! Or even worse a tie. I already have a collection of ties I've rarely worn.

      Arlee Bird
      Tossing It Out

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    3. Oh absolutely! People have probably seen me wear a tie once in my life (my wedding) but yeah, buying me another will definitely go to good use.

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  48. Happy Birthday!!! (Week.) I've never aged a day past 16, mentally, so I hear you. I only get responsible when I HAVE to take care of these things called kids.

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    1. Thanks! You know, the more I hear about them, the more I'd rather be a kid than have one.

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  49. I told you I read this on Monday and I did! I'm finally back for that comment!!!!!!!!!!!!!

    The ice cube on the floor. Have you considered picking it up to toss it into a pet's water bowl? That's what I usually do. I figure they probably wish I did it more. Who doesn't like cold water better?

    There's nothing wrong with being a kid unless you have kids. And then the story changes. But you don't... so live it up, my friend!

    shuttlecock. That'll always be funny. Where is it? In Uranus. Hurk. Hurk.

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    1. So you waited all this time just to make a shuttlecock in Uranus joke...?

      Because it's like you totally know me! Definitely worth a hurk hurk. And I do toss ice cubes in the water bowl for my dogs sometimes, but the floor is often covered in said dogs' hair, so I feel like a jerk throwing in an ice cube with a Cosby sweater. Like an actual Cosby cocktail, that can't be pleasant going down.

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  50. I once saw a meme that said: "Don't grow up! It's a trap!!!" And I agree 156%. Being a grown up is comprised of paying bills, and having responsibilities. I mean, Booo! Right?

    I suck at adulting too. And I'm actually okay with that, for the most part. There are days when I wonder if I would be better off if I tried to be better at adulting, but then I hear the word "shuttlecock" and start giggling, so those thoughts just end up flying out the window...

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    1. And I agree 132% with your agreeing 156%. Other favorite words/terms:

      Poppycock.
      Flying buttress.
      Masticate.
      Gray Poupon.

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  51. Happy B-day!

    Be grateful that you still have hair that you didn't start losing it when you were in you early 20's.

    Father Nature's Corner

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    1. My hair is so thick my barber should charge me twice. Don't think I take that for granted. :)

      Thanks!

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  52. But you're 32! You're NOT an adult! Talk to me when you're 38 like the rest of us, dammit. And who the hell still goes to the movie store to rent rated R movies? Are there still movie stores?? All kidding aside, you always make me laugh out loud. And honestly, you'll never feel like an adult. Sometimes I look at my kids and marvel at how I'm in charge of them...Whaaaaa?? :)

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    1. Who said anything about a movie store? What is this, 1995? I still get carded at the actual movie theater for rated R movies. Apparently asking for IDs is a thing there. It's simultaneously awkward and hilarious, especially when the teenage kid sees my birth year and is like, "Oh, shit." It's a nice feeling.

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  53. Happy Belated Birthday, Bryan! I've finally started eating better and putting a dark chocolate square in my oatmeal adds extra vitamins, right? Sadly, my kids just roll their eyes when they have healthy meals, and I'm happy with a grilled cheese sandwich. This was fun, and I think many of us are also waiting to magically transform into adults!

    Julie

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    1. Thanks, Julie! I too have moved over to dark chocolate, which really helps justify dessert. "I'm just eating dark chocolate, which is good for you. And this candy bar has nuts. I'm practically dieting."

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  54. Well, happy belated birthday to you, sir, and thank you for stealing my thunder. I was gonna start my new post with 'I'm afraid I'll never really grow up. I refuse to do so. Oh I can act all adultish (Sandra's coinage) and fool everyone, nuns included, but in the end that's what it is: an act. And when I'm on stage talking like an adult, strutting like an adult, even smelling like an adult (yes, I can), I'm just another Clark Kent donning a disguise waiting for the Oscars to start pouring in.' But I guess I have no choice but to write about raccoons instead. All I know is that there's no such thing as a functioning adult.

    P.S. Who cares about taxes anyway?

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    1. Only adults care about things like stealing thunder. That's an awesome beginning and you should still use it. Also, you need to tell me how you fooled those nuns. They always saw right through me and went straight to the wooden spoon.

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    2. What??? Am I adultish? Say it ain't so! I'm cursed.

      Oh good.... there's a compliment. You know kids like compliments. If I tell you how I fooled those nuns, will you tell me what you were doing HERE? I'd say you're busted... No?

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    3. I'd say going to see a romcom on a Saturday afternoon alone is a very man-child thing to do.

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  55. Happy belated birthday! Are you kidding...I am going to be 40 next year and I don't feel grown up at all. I bought a bottle of wine for my boss a couple of years ago and got carded. Thank you!

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    1. Hey, thanks! Yeah, I used to hate getting carded, but the older I get, the more I appreciate it. And now when someone doesn't want to check it, I almost feel like, "Aren't you forgetting something...?"

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  56. I hope you had a super duper birthday, and ate as much cake as you wanted. With ice cream, even!

    You aren't alone. We have no choice about getting older, but that doesn't mean we have to be and act like old farts. Adults can still be kids at heart. Life's a lot more fun that way.

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    1. It was very super duper, and I ate enough cake to take down an elephant. Thanks!

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