Monday, October 12, 2015

Reimagine the Possibilities!

To date, the two of us have written 8 novels, 2 novellas, and enough short stories to fill a biblically sized tome. And all of those pieces have had completely unique characters and plotlines. In doing so, we thought we were being clever and original.

Turns out, we were being complete dumbasses.

Earlier this year, garbage-bag-full-of-farts-and-bad-ideas-with-an-awful-drag-queen-wig E.L. James released the cleverly titled Grey: Fifty Shades of Grey As Told By Christian, in which she rewrote the exact Fifty Shades of Grey novel all over again... except this time, told it from a different character's perspective.


Not to be outdone, Stephenie "I Ruined Everything Once Terrifying About Vampires" Meyer dared to dream and asked the question: "What if I wrote the exact same book all over again, but this time I made the guy a girl and the girl a guy?"

So now as of a few days ago we have Life and Death: Twilight Reimagined, which turns Bella and Edward into Edythe and Beau. Do you see what she did there? That, folks, is called creativity, and you can't buy it. We writers are just born with it.

So it got us to thinking - why are we sitting around writing original story ideas like assholes when we can just "reimagine" our existing story ideas?

Like, our zombie novel Dead and Moaning In Las Vegas has been a huge seller and gotten rave reviews. To give the fans what they truly want, why don't we release a "reimagined" version, where it's the exact same story, but this time told from the perspective of one of the zombies?




Or maybe we should turn our sights on something a little less gruesome, like our Slim Dyson novel. For this, the choice seems pretty obvious. The story will remain exactly the same, but all of the parts previously written by Bryan will now be rewritten by Brandon, and all the parts written previously by Brandon will be rewritten by Bryan.



Hell, now that we're really thinking here, why not "reimagine" the blog? We can recycle, uh we mean reinvent blog posts and turn them completely on their heads by gender swapping us, kinda like that time we did A Wine for the John. Imagine how wildly different our blog posts would be if we were both women!

Do you see what we did with last week's post about Bryan's Chinese neighbors hating him? Now instead of hating him because he's white, in this version, his neighbor hates him because he's white AND a woman. It's practically a whole new joke!

So please, join us on a journey of untapped creativity as we drop trou, take a spicy burrito dump all over our readers, and rehash everything we've ever written to death, all in an effort to scam you out of more money for something you've already read before.

If it's good enough for such literary geniuses as E.L. James and Stephenie Meyer, then it's good enough for us.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
B&B

Beer: Upslope Blood Orange Saison
Music: Yonder Mountain String Band


118 comments:

  1. I saw that Twilight swaparoo nonsense.What a great idea for people devoid of ideas. But, you know, if that audience hasn't aged and learned enough since the original to learn that these novels are a tire fire in a mountain of manure, then screw them, take their dumb-head monies.

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    1. I would say that it's just an age thing, that teen and pre-teen girls aren't well read enough to realize how bad this is, and what a ripoff this is, and yet I see 30-something year old women absolutely salivating over this book. Where do we get fans who are that vapidly loyal, like a dog with brain damage?

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  2. James and Meyer rewrote their own books? And people are buying them? Criminal.
    I could rewrite CassaStar. Only this time, instead of all men, it will be all women. Can you imagine? And you thought the situation between Byron and Bassa was difficult when they were men...

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    1. Hell yes. I smell a sexy catfight between the young, conflicted Byranna and the older, wiser Bassy (Sassy Bassy, if you will). The story literally just writes itself (since it's already written).

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  3. Something something the money-making industry. There's no denying dosh-diggers have been at this kind of stuff for centuries now. Only change I'm seeing that it's getting increasingly more stupid. Hey, they gotta do something to keep up with the average member of their demographic.

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    1. It's been going on for centuries?

      "Moby Dick Reimagined: in this classic retelling, Herman Melville asks what would happen if the main characters were gender swapped? Find out when Princess Ahablia takes on the great white whale that keeps thwarting her, Moby Dickette."

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  4. I just can't even believe that people buy the garbage that is Twilight and 50 shades. It really makes me wonder how stuff like that becomes popular.

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    1. It also makes me wonder if my cohort and I have any chance of making it in this world if all people want to read is a bunch of sparkly gender-swapped vampires sexing each other up (all over again).

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  5. I thought people were buying the Meyer's book because it was a romance mixed in with sparkly vampires which was kind of a unique genre, same with the whole dominatrix deal (except for Anne Rice's Sleeping Beauty but even she knew when to stop) but c'mon. When it's over, it's over. Author's need to know when it's time to call it quits and put a period on the end of their sequels.

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    1. As Chris Hardwick so brilliantly put it, teens connected with Twilight because they don't fully understand all of their emotions yet and when they read something terribly written like, "he touched me and I felt electricity shoot through my body" they say, "Oh my god, I totally identify with that. That is EXACTLY what love is like."

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    2. And because I am Chris Hardwick's age I totally identify with EXACTLY what he says (sorry, couldn't help myself) haha

      And where the hell is he? Hiatus because of TWD after show? WTF? I mean sure, I watch that but still, how am I suppose to get my Ron Funches and Doug Benson fix?

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  6. And that's what I call 50 Shades of Utter Nonsense.

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    1. She should rewrite it one more time, make both main characters male, and call it Fifty Shades of Gay.

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  7. "Dead and Moaning in Las Vegas" should be rewritten from the perspective of its first victim. A waitress named Katy (with a -y and not the more conventional -ie spelling).

    Sure, she gets killed on about page 3, but I still really connected with her for some reason.

    Do it. Really fill in the details of the character. Does she like chicks? Does she have huge bug eyes? The possibilities are endless!

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    1. Since one of us is a Bryan with a Y, we're all about unconventional spellings. And I don't know, if we make the very first character in our book a lesbian, and then she gets brutally murdered, isn't that classified as a hate crime?

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  8. I heard of the 50 shades garbage but never knew Twilight was going to do it as well. Here we go, that damn Ghostbusters reboot started a whole new trend. Instead of remakes we'll get the exact same movie or book gender swapped. Creativity is at an all time low. Greed and stupidity on the other hand

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    1. Hey, don't you talk badly about the Ghostbusters reboot. Sure, it's lazy and stupid. Sure, they could have made an all-female ghost hunting story that was unique and original. But if you say otherwise you're just a disgusting, sexist pig who spits on the progress of women.

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    2. Damn it, my true colors have been revealed. I'll never live it down now.

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  9. Lipstick! Lipstick for EVERYBODY! That last cartoon cracked me up.

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    1. Well clearly when you gender swap all you do is give the guys boobs and a ton of makeup. That's really all there is to being a woman.

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    2. That is why the book isn't doing well, I think. Guys and girls are not the same. Meyer says she wrote it in attempts to prove a dude would have fallen just as hard under the same situation. I am a girl, but I know enough to know that when a guy sees a hot girl, his first thoughts aren't as lovey dovey as a woman's might be. Meyer didn't even bother to change that stuff. The only reason it was believable in Midnight Sun (Twilight from Edward's perspective) was because he wasn't just a male, he was a friggin vampire who had been alive for a very long time. What is teenage Beau's excuse for thinking so much like a sissy? I feel bad for feeling this way, btw. I truly loved the Twilight books because of that very reason. It showed a man in a light that every female craves in fantasy. But it just isn't realistic. Also, even if Meyer had gotten the guy persona down, by creating this gender swapped book, almost makes a mockery of the Twilight series. I can get the 50 Shades thing (even though the only way I would have became a fan is if Ian Somerhalder had gotten the role of Christian) because for a fan, they will take anything they can get... except for gender swapping, it seems!

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    3. You shouldn't feel bad for feeling that way. Neither of us are exactly the epitome of masculinity, but we as men look at a character like Beau and just roll our eyes. It would not happen.

      I mean, Meyer wanted to prove that Twilight wasn't sexist, and only ended up making her story look sexist. Which I don't think it is. Look, if you're a woman and you dream of having a strong, domineering guy sweep you off your feet, so be it. No one has any right to tell you that fantasy is "wrong." But please don't try to reverse it to show that it somehow goes both ways, because no guy dreams of being swept off his feet by a domineering woman and carried off into the sunset like he's some prize winning flower. Because that guy already has a boyfriend and isn't interested in Edythe or her particular plumbing.

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  10. B&B:
    ROFLMAO...By Jove, I think you two are onto something.
    Hey, everything old becomes "new" again...like bell-bottom jeans.
    (I''m personally holding out for the reboot of BETA VCRs...got a ton of tapes...lol).

    The zombie POV is brilliant...and, was it really THAT difficult to learn their language as opposed to say...proper Klingon?
    You have to be watching AMC's The Walking Dead, right?
    (BTW, Chris Hardwick "gets it" more than a lot of people give him credit for.)

    How about To SAVE A Mockingbird?
    (The Audubon Society would love that)
    Or...All Noisy on the Eastern Front?
    (stop with the boom stuff)
    Perhaps...FIRST of the Mohicans?
    (someone had to start the whole thing)

    Think of what you COULD do to all those classics?
    The possibilities are endless.

    Very good post and be sure to give that neighbor of yours a "middle finger salute" from us in the Midwest.

    Stay safe out there, guys!

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    1. First of the Mohicans made me laugh out loud. Well done on that, sir.

      We certainly do watch The Walking Dead, but when it comes to Hardwick, I'm more of an @Midnight kind of guy.

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  11. What you're doing is just like the big Hollywood blockbuster remakes because they can't think of anything else, either. It makes them a lot of money and the only thing they have to update are the clothes, hairstyles, and cars. The difficult part, for me at least, is seeing you guys with breasts. It just doesn't do anything for me except maybe a little urp into my mouth.

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    1. Hollywood might not be able to think of anything, but we writers always have new ideas. How about throwing us a little love instead of "rebooting" everything until we hate it?

      And hey, don't you body shame us. We are beautiful, totally fuckable women. Just don't tell us that, because then that's objectifying us, which is also wrong.

      Men: you just can't win, so don't bother trying.

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    2. I know I can't win, but I can't help staring at those soft, round, comforting globes on your chests.

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  12. Authors get one hit and then they find ways to ride it for life. Harry Potter is getting spin offs, stage plays and everything in between. Next up, gender swap.

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    1. In all fairness to J.K. Rowling, she tries to write other stuff, but no one will let her. They absolutely refuse. No, they just want Harry Potter Part 27: Harry Potter and the Retirement Home of Secrets.

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    2. That is so sad if JK Rowling wants to write other stuff and fans don't want it! I would be interested to see what another original story would look like from her. If she truly wants to, she should go for it.

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    3. She's even tried to write mysteries under a pen name, Robert Galbraith, but the Internet, who is sometimes way too smart for its own good, figured out it was her and then cried like babies that she wasn't working on more Harry Potter while simultaneously slamming the new novel for being a realistic mystery which is very clearly not wizards playing sports on broomsticks.

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  13. I find it kind of funny that James stole the characters and the story from Meyers and now she's even stealing ideas. Meyers planned to "reimagine" Twilight from the perspective of Edward. She gave up on it when the manuscript was leaked. She said if she was to write it she'd have killed everyone off. Most would argue that would be a great novel they'd all read.

    It's pretty sad really though that reimaginings are becoming a thing. Especially when it's the exact same story. As long as idiots continue to buy tripe though, tripe is all we shall have. We need consumers to say "Fuck off we're not buying that" but they never do.

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    1. You know, you'd think now that 10 years have passed that Twilight fans would have grown out of it. But no, I see a slew of 30 and 40-something year old women that are dying to read this book. The same book they've read before 10 times. But it's totally different now, you guys. She used completely different gender pronouns, which makes it a totally new story.

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  14. When I heard what E.L. and Stephenie were doing, I puked in my mouth a little. There are brilliant and original books out there but most readers will never hear about them because the crap in the spotlight. Though, you know, if I gender swapped my modern day dragonslayer (he goes around shirtless a lot), I'd get a whole new batch of readers!

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    1. And yet I don't think the kind of people that lap up books like Twilight would like the kind of stuff we write anyway. Things like plots and description are overrated. They just want teenage angst!

      And hey, I'd read that reimagined book. I always thought dragon-slaying could use a lot more boobs. But she might want to be extra careful. Boobs don't make for very good armor.

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  15. "Do you see what she did there? That, folks, is called creativity, and you can't buy it. We writers are just born with it." I'm laughing in a "I'm about to pee in my granny panties" way - through this whole thing. It started more intensely with that "Do you see what she did there?" To think, if you weren't such complete and total dumbasses, you could be really really rich right now. Doh!

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    1. You know that Guy on the Verge of Awesome Shit is just waiting to be written by you, right? Let us hear the tales of Robyrt and his awful dating woes, so that we may laugh until we pee in our whitey-tighties.

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    2. Brilliant! Why have I been such a complete and total dumbass?! Guy on the Verge of Awesome Shit will be followed by Dude Verging on Amazing Crap, Reinvented. Then, Zombie Bordering on BDSM in the Twilight of Christian Gray's Tiny Whineys, and I could keep going. Dude, I better get cracking. This is awesome shit. Thanks!

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    3. Robyn is going to be very famous and fabulously rich!

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    4. From Jono's mouth to the Zombie Bordering on BDSM in the Twilight of Christian Gray's Tiny Whineys' ears and Robyft's outer god...So much to look forward to. Thanks, guys, for all the faith and inspiration.

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  16. I rolled my eyes at the Twilight and Grey retells too but I didn't know how to give the idea the clever praise it deserved like you did. Kind of like all those movie remakes and trying to make old TV shoes into movies. And what kind of women are you? It's your uterus that kills you at that time of month. I wish you could experience just so you could share it with us.

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    1. I never said we were very good women. Even so, we all know that a period is simply the alien inside of you trying to make its monthly escape, which explains all of the bleeding and the cramping. It's just basic science.

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  17. In my view reimaginings just prove the author only had one successful story in them. Perhaps elongated by serialisation but still one story. On that note I've often wondered whether i should blog from Mr Him's perspective.

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    1. If people can blog from the perspective of their cat and/or dog, I think you can damn well blog from the perspective of Mr. Him.

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  18. More perplexing than these "re-imaginings" is the sheer number of people who actually buy that crap. I really need to finish my vampire novel.

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    1. Did you know that the Kindle version is $12.99? Thirteen bucks for a Kindle file. Meanwhile the hardback is $13.19. There's some real money to be made in writing pure bullshit.

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  19. I loved those lines...
    Kid, you can't put a price on this kind of creativity."
    "But since we already did... no refunds."

    GOL!

    Yeah, you're right! The possibilities are endless.
    For example, I could start a whole new blog titled "BATTLE OF THE BANDS Presents STMcC". Or maybe "FASCIST FRIENDS FERRET-FACED". Wow! I'm really excited about these new ideas. I haven't been so enthused about writing since... well, since...

    Come to think of it, I've NEVER been THIS enthused about writing.
    Thank you, thank you, thank you, Bryan & Brandon. (Or is it Brandon & Bryan?)

    ~ GgoDsneF-D
    'Underground American Loyal'

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    1. Or you could even start a Battle of the Banned!

      ...Oh wait.

      And if you must know, it's always B&B. Not B&B, and absolutely NEVER B&B (that's downright offensive). It's always B&B. In that exact order.

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  20. At first I thought that said, "Fifty shades of Grey as Told by a Christian." You know, like a completely watered down and sanitized version. So instead of throwing tampons in the toilet (or whatever they did), they would pray and read the Bible to each other.

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    1. As opposed to the real life slop, I would actually read that.

      "Christian," Ana pleaded. "I really, truly want to touch your peepee."
      "That just means we need to pray harder," Christian insisted. "I'll grab the holy water. And the chains, so we can tie you down to the bed... until your urges pass. It's gonna be a long night."

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    2. Lmao omg, I am a Christian so I probably shouldn't be laughing at that but it was funny. Good clean fun, lol.

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  21. I think it's a little unfair to say that you're >complete< dumbasses.

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    1. Yeah, maybe only about three quarters dumbass. I was about 1/4 dumbass on my father's side (through marriage), and my cohort can trace back his lineage to a 14th century dumbass.

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  22. I'm really bummed that I never made it back here last week to comment on your 'neighbor' post. I've had some doseies! But, we'll save that for when you rework THAT post,

    I've heard it said that they're really no new ideas out there for writers, scripts, etc, but when it comes to simply reworking your own work...YIKES! These people ought be ashamed, but then in the case of E.L. she oughta be ashamed on general principles, or should I say complete lack of them. In the case of Stephanie Meyer...who cares if she's a 'one hit wonder', she can afford to be laughing all the way to the bank. What is wrong with these women? Never mind, don't answer that, don't think I wanna know.

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    1. I just love how much these women are inadvertently feuding with each other. So before that awful Fifty Shades of Shit from the dude's perspective came out, Stephenie Meyer was writing a book called Midnight Sun that was apparently Twilight from Edward's perspective. Now that E.L. James' version was released, Meyer doesn't want to release hers because then fans will think she's just ripping her off. This, after E.L. James directly stole her entire characters and story from Meyer.

      I love it. These awful women, who barely have a single idea between the two of them, are now fighting over who shits out which bad idea first.

      http://www.inquisitr.com/2483929/stephenie-meyer-wont-release-midnight-sun-blames-e-l-james-novel-grey/

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    2. I went and read that article - first thought - how embarrassing for both of these women. Are they in the 6th grade, or what?' Reimagining their own work should be embarrassing enough, but verbally bitch slapping each other over something so rideculous - dumbass indeed.

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  23. I'm just going to retype my comment from your last post....but re-imagined!

    I'd done a post a few years back about writers continuing a character (specifically the detective Spenser) after the writer (Robert B. Parker) passes on, and whether or not that's a good idea.

    I guess this just takes that trend to the next level.

    What does that say about the intelligence of America? Is there really that much to be told in the story of Shades of Gray (I was dragged to the movie and that's two hours of what little life I have remaining that I squandered) that you really need the guy's perspective?

    Is there really any doubt about what motivates the guy?

    Stay tuned for my book, a re-imagining of Green Eggs And Ham from the point of view of the ham...

    Larry

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    1. But what about the Green Eggs? Green Eggs Matter.

      Personally, I don't think it's a good idea to continue characters. Now that Sherlock Holmes is public domain, there are so many godawful Sherlock Holmes "mysteries" written by teens swirling around Amazon like an unflushed turd. Some of them feature Sherlock Holmes and Watson "hooking up." Arthur Conan Doyle is surely spinning in his grave. Not that I'm comparing either of us to him, but I couldn't imagine being long dead, our copyright expiring, and someone continuing our books simply because they could. Get your own idea! Get your own characters! I assure you, as a writer, it's not that hard. Don't believe the hype. (Putting it all down, that's the hard part)

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    2. Oh man, I didn't even know about this. That's terrible.

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  24. I hang my head low because these asswipes are selling their books. I still maintain they know the "casting couch" very well. This comes to you from Uncreated by VV. Why VV?? Eh, Why not! Now what if that book of 50 shades of crap starred Caitlyn Jenner and Bruce Jenner...at the same time! The 50 shades could be the various ways they shaded in his/her cheek bones and bust. I wonder how they got rid of the after 5 shades that men get? Oh wait, Caitlyn doesn't worry about that any more since all the toxins he/she took has wiped off any shades of whatever.

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    1. I hope it didn't involve a casting couch. I can't imagine anyone wanting to actually fuck a garbage-bag-full-of-farts-with-a-bad-drag-queen-wig. Then again, I'm sure Caitlyn Jenner still gets laid, so I guess there truly is someone for everyone.

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  25. A work based on such a classic like Twilight turned out to be terrible? I'm as shocked as you are. I don't think I'll be able to recover from this.

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    1. I think the only way to rid ourselves of the shock is to read the brilliant literary works of Kylie and Kendall Jenner as a way of atonement. They just, like, get me.

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  26. Yeahhhhh, I heard about the genderbent twilight. ALSO (I hate that I even know this, tbh): stephanie meyer was going to write a twilight from edward's perspective, but the first couple of chapters leaked online so she killed the project. Not only did EL James rip off her crappy characters from twilight, she ripped off the crappy idea of telling the story from the dude's perspective from twilight too. Impressive, really.

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    1. Yeah, isn't it great? It's like one big circle jerk of idea theft, none of those ideas actually being any good.

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    2. My mom actually first told me about this book. I don't get out much! 16 hr days, home business, yadda yada, anyways, she said she wanted to go to the store and pick up the new Twilight book. I told her that wasn't a thing. She insisted that it was. When she told me the premise, I ensured her that it was a hoax. She showed me an article online. I was FLOORED. I would have never believed a writer would commit professional suicide like this. She probably made a decent amount of cash this time. I admit, I bought it, well, technically my mom bought me a copy (but I would have bought it myself). I was curious. But what has she done to herself for the next time? So many fans are now disgusted, jaded. I just feel bad for her.

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    3. I hate when my mom knows news before I do. Makes me feel so out of touch with the world. Like when she asks me if I've heard of a website called "YouTube."

      We can't figure out Stephenie Meyer, because she acts like she doesn't have any other original stories floating around her head. Like she's a one trick pony. And yet she wrote that book The Host a few years back. What happened to all of her ideas? They just ran out, so now she's rehashing old stuff? No matter what you think of her, good or bad, that just really doesn't look good for her future as a writer. And no matter what you think about her stories, at least she came up with an original world and original characters. E.L. James couldn't even do that. Because of it, the writing world doesn't expect much from her, and as expected, she's not giving us much. But you'd think you could expect more of Meyer. Perhaps not.

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  27. There is a big difference in your books being re-written and the others. Your's would still sell and be good!! Can't compare apples to oranges guys!!

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    1. Well, thank you kindly! But we wouldn't re-write our own books anyway. We have way too many original ideas floating around our demented heads as is.

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  28. That was one hell of an ovary...

    This could be a good concept for oldies radio, too. Can you Imagine the Spencer Davis's Wife's Band singing "I'm a Woman", or Henry Reddy doing, "I am man, hear me snore..."

    Okay, "good" is stretching it a bit...

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    1. It really spans the decades if you think about it.

      Johnny Cash reinvented: "A Girl Named Steve."
      Jim Stafford reinvented: "My Guy Billie."

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  29. I know you're being funny (and succeeding) and talking about writing, but you know these posts often make me think of something on a tangent. So, here I go. There is a TV show on Showtime called The Affair. A couple weeks ago we got Showtime free for a few days and they had the entire first season (10 episodes) running in anticipation of airing season 2. I had no idea what it was about, and wasn't even reasonable sure I'd like it, but I DVR'd it just in case. Turns out it's strangely fascinating. I'm operating on the premise that you haven't seen it. ANYWAY each episode was split into two parts. One from His POV. The other from Her POV. It was actually fascinating because they saw it all completely differently. In every case, the clothes were different for the same event. The personalities were different. And there was some crossover in the dialogue, but it was interpreted in radically different ways. For the viewer, it was really tough because we had no way of knowing which event was the "truth." About midway through I decided that was precisely the point. They were both true and not true. Just like in life. I'm not sure I like any of the characters but they are fascinating people and the way they write the thing is outstanding. Plus I really like Joshua Jackson (Fringe).

    So, if you're going to reimagine something, I suggest you do it in the first book. With two opposing viewpoints running against one another. Yeah, it's already been done, but I know it hasn't been done the way you guys would do it:)!

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    1. You know, we've actually always wanted to do a book where it's told from two different perspectives, and you don't know who's right or wrong until the end. I think we could pull that off, and bring something unique to the table. Joshua Jackson can't come though, sorry. He's not invited.

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  30. The Adventures of Slender Dysoness. Envision it. A homeless woman. Boom. Mind blown.

    Yeah, these women are a joke. They're making writers into a joke. Someone make them stop.

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    1. If he was a homeless woman then instead of people trying to rob him they'd probably just keep trying to sexually assault him. Too dark?

      And at this point, if we can't even stop these two from re-releasing their own books, then there's nothing we can do. We just have to wait for old age or disease to take them.

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  31. If you do a single thing to 'Dead and Moaning....' you shall NEVUH touch a drop of my beer! Nope, uh uh.

    Besides, gentlemen, you have brains and creativity, don't be sell-outs duuuudes!

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    1. Hey, maybe that's the only reason why E.L. James and Stephenie Meyer haven't written a zombie story. They don't have a brain to share between them. Mmmm, brains.

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  32. The saddest thing is that people are buying both. :-/

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    1. Frankly, I think we're all better off not knowing how many copies they've sold, or how much money that means for each of them.

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  33. I had no idea all this was happening, and I'm a little upset I'm in the loop now. On the upside, a zombie novel as told by grunts and moans would probably sell just as well as that empty book about the things men know about women.

    I'm writing this on a mac and it just erased everything and made me type it over. Killer.

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  34. Well, sadly I did know about the re-hash on the "50 Shades" book, but I had no idea that Stephenie Meyer was re-writing the Twilight series! That's kind of hilarious, I won't lie. But I say hey, if people want to spend their money on that, they're welcome to do so. Their brains have been half liquefied already, so what difference does it make for them to put those brains in a blender and hit "frappe"? It just makes it that much easier for those zombies to get their proper nutrition, right?

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    1. That's assuming they have much brain to blend. After you liquefy a Twilight fan brain, you're not left with much but a gray, pulpy soup that couldn't even feed a zombie half a meal. The poor things would starve.

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  35. OMG. You crack me up. I'm over here laughing. Seriously? These best-selling authors are making more best sellers just by changing the point of view? I'm going to try that trick, and change the point of view as many times as there are characters in my stories.

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    1. And in your case, with a children's book, the possibilities are endless. In the original, the main character was a bird. But now he's being "reimagined" as a cat. That'll be another $14.99, please!

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  36. I would actually buy a rewrite by you guys!

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    1. Please don't do that. :( We respect you way too much to do that to you.

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  37. So, what you are saying is these writers have no creativity so they just re-write. I really don't want to read the same story again. I have read a couple of books from different perspectives but, I think they were done fairly well and dug deeper into the other character's head.

    Sometimes, readers want to know the other characters POV..just sayin'

    Take care guys - "When grasshopper speaks - We need to listen" - enjoyed the pic..

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    1. How dare you point out reasonable logic in a post like this!

      Nah, we get what you're saying. This kind of thing can be done well if it serves a real purpose. Further explores the character's thoughts and actions. But neither of these books were complex to begin with, and in the case of Stephenie Meyer, she barely changed anything outside of gender pronouns. And in the case of reading Fifty Shades from Christian's perspective, A) she's terrible at writing the thoughts/perspectives of a man and B) we know what motivates him, his dick. We don't need an entire book to tell us that.

      I see your blog is gone. I hope this isn't the last we'll be seeing of you?

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  38. They say there are no new plot lines...but GEEZ. Fifty Shades of Gray was porny enough as it was and subpar lit - now someone wants to have it all explained in excruciatingly bad form once more? And a publisher jumped on that bandwagon?

    Good grief. No one wants to be creative - just recycling is the new black.

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    1. I guess I never thought of it that way. Imagine if they did real porn like that. "Sure, we saw it from the pizza guy's perspective, but what if we saw that same thing 'reimagined' from the horse's perspective? Or the midget with the whip?"

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  39. I could re-write my deer camp adventures. This time I would end up on the buck pole.
    The anti-hunters would make me a fortune.

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    1. You'd make those angry vegans so hard. Assuming they could still get hard after being so nutritionally deficient.

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  40. You know, my editors have stopped me from repeating themes and conventions in subsequent works, but they never have had to say, "Get a new idea!" I think real readers like the variety.

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    1. Conversely, imagine if your editor came to you and said, "So your new idea is okay, but what if you just re-wrote your last book all over again? And swapped some gender pronouns around?"

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  41. I read the rewrite as "Fifty Shades of Grey As Told by A Christian." Now that would've been somewhat original at least. Boring, but marginally original. "Christian the Christian felt a strong desire to sodomize his subordinate, but he resisted the temptations of Satan and vowed to wait until marriage, where he'd gently make love to her for the sole purpose of procreation. The End!"

    Anyway, I think a rewriting of your horror novels/short stories as rom-coms could be a pretty neat idea. Open up the gates for a whole new fanbase.

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    1. And at first glance I read your comment as "I read the rewrite of Fifty Shades of Grey..." and I was preparing myself to lose all respect for you as a person. But we're good now.

      And I'm pretty sure that same fanbase is already writing gay fanfiction about the two of us, the likes of which we'd just rather not ever see or hear about.

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  42. I laughed out loud (and you can take me at my word there, because I hate when people totally lie about that, because no you did not "totally spit out my coffee all over my compute keyboard" from laughing so hard. It's nice of you to say so--it is--but you did not do that) at "garbage-bag-full-of-farts." I'm using that somehow today. I agree with all of this as well. I won't even go see the movie of a book I've read because I either get bored because it's completely the same, or I get mad because it's completely different. So there's no way I'm re-reading the same story from a different character's perspective. Unless it's your zombie book, of course.

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    1. Thank you, not just for the genuine laugh, but for calling out the "spit coffee all over the keyboard" BS. Dear people that say that - no, you did not just spray your screen with coffee in riotous laughter. At best, you probably huffed under your nose a little. That's fine. But don't exaggerate. And if you do, at least be creative.

      "Oh my god, this was so funny I just vomited stomach acid all over my jorts."

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  43. I, out of morbid curiosity, downloaded a sample of Life and Death. Meyer claims to have rewritten the entire thing (even breaks it down into what percentage of what was changed) but I saw no real difference. 'She' changed to 'he', so forth. There's a part where in the original Bella says that she thinks she should think whatever it was is beautiful. Same line from Beau, but with the added 'or something'. Like it's bad for a guy to think in his head something might be beautiful? I dunno, I couldn't even finish the sample.

    She also claimed she used her sons as inspiration on getting the male perspective and I'm so sick by that thought.

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    1. You know what amuses me? Not just that she barely changed anything, but that in her quest to gender swap characters so that she could prove Twilight wasn't sexist, she actually made it more sexist.

      Example: in the original, it says, "Billy put a lot of work into his engine."
      In the gender swap, it says, "Bonnie had a lot of work put into her engine."

      Thus implying that a woman can't work on her own engine. I mean, how hilariously backwards is that?

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    2. Yes, exactly! She's just digging her own literary gave. Further. It's ridiculous, but at least she won't get any money from me :)

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    3. I thought the same thing when I read a few pages! The stuff she put in about Beau's parents was somewhat disturbing. Meyer kind of showed her personal opinions in this book, I think. She definitely made it much more sexist!

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  44. You know, I just sit back and applaud. These guys would clearly make an extra injection of money with those "rewrites". Most writers would sell their literary soul for a million dollars in sales and these guys don't even have to take their dignity into account.

    Also, don't forget that brilliant author J.K. Rowling is also trying to milk more dollars out of Harry Potter by releasing side stories and follow-ups.

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    1. I think I'd rather have literary appreciation than money, but that's easy to say when I'm poor. Neither of us could sell our souls like that just for money, though. Stephenie Meyer and E.L. James may be laughing all the way to the bank, but no one's laughing with them. We're all laughing at them. They're the butt of all of the jokes. No one says, "She's a brilliant writer."

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  45. Hahahahah oh my gosh, this is hilarious. I love the zombie book, best seller for sure!

    Re-imagined:
    Heheheheh oh my god, that's humorous! RAAAAWW WWRRRGH a Memoir is spectacular. I confidently believe it will hit the NYTimes Best Selling list.

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    1. I can't believe no one else has reimagined a comment yet. That's brilliant. This is how we know you're a TRUE writer.

      Reimagined reply:
      Aggggh I'm getting my period all over the place please get a man to help me!
      (This is the extremely sexist and offensive genderswapped version)

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  46. I think you're both on to something. Why don't you remake Thelma and Louise as Elmo and Louis? Since you both look good in drag, you may just want to be the next Laverne and Shirley. I would definitely binge watch that! Thanks for the lesson in Zombie speak!

    Julie

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    1. Elmo and Louis is a great idea. We might tackle that after we reimagine Bert and Ernie, except they're straight. Or Tom and Jerry, except we're humans and there are huge legal and moral repercussions for smashing one another with falling pianos or anvils.

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  47. From the perspective of one of the zombies... I think that's brilliant. I bet it will be moving too. Think about all the internal struggles.... Human.... Food..... Um but I shouldn't but I willl oh what to do....

    I need a hanky.

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    1. I'm getting wildly emotional over here too. But that may be because the zombie just ate the part of my brain responsible for properly controlling my emotions.

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  48. What can I say? Some people write drivel, and evidently a whole lot of people must like to read it, too. There's no accounting for taste... or the lack thereof. And I guess those "elite" readers enjoy reading the same drivel over and over again.

    But my money's on more creative writers. YOUR books I've bought.Can't say the same for any of those "Gray" or "Twilight" books.

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    1. And we thank you for it, truly. Just as there are good and bad writers, we believe there are good and bad readers. And you are definitely a good reader. No good reader has Fifty Shades or Twilight in their bookshelf, unless it's a bookshelf that's about to be dumped into a burning trash fire for disposal.

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  49. How did I miss this? Bad idea, bad idea. thought that as soon as I heard about the rewrite of Fifty Shades. Just proves regurgitating the same drivel is about the best idea these authors can summon. And btw, how much fun will it be rewriting what has gone before? The creative side of your brain may just atrophy. . .Don't do it guys!

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    1. You probably missed it because your brain subconsciously tried to block it out. We don't blame you. We tried to block it out too, but all of the girls we knew in high school who still have a crippling dependency for shiny vampires stopped us from ignoring it by posting about it on Facebook like a digital plague.

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  50. Not to sound like I'm taking up for EL James, but her books were written in first person. You only get whatever her name's thoughts. What she sees and experiences. While the old 50 Shades will be similar to the Christian version, it won't exactly be the same. You will get to see what he is doing when they aren't together. What's going through his mind. They spend large portions of not being together alone or busy with stuff. I thought I would just put that out there. EL James has definitely one-upped her predessor.

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    1. And funnily enough, Stephenie Meyer was planning to write a version of Twilight from Edward's perspective, until she found out E.L. James was doing that with Grey and didn't want to be seen as a copycat. So she just rehashed her same story and changed gender pronouns. Because that's so much better.

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