Well, now I have new neighbors. I was hoping for a fresh start with them. They're Chinese. Now, I don't mean that they're some kind of Asian and I just assume they're Chinese by default because white people think all Asians look alike. I mean they're actually from China. And let me tell you, so far it's going well.
And by well I mean terribly. I think they hate me, simply because I exist. There's a whole household of them, ranging from teenager to grandmother, and while the teenage son smiles and says hi, everyone else avoids eye contact with me and flees upon seeing me. And 5 out of 6 Chinese people agree - Bryan is fucking awful and should be avoided at all costs. Apparently.
Mom, pictured above giving what I assume is the Chinese hello, likes to stare at me when we're both outside. I imagine that she thinks I don't notice. But the moment I look in her direction and say hi, she averts her gaze so quickly I'm worried she'll get whiplash, starts grimacing, and walks away while pretending she couldn't hear me.
Out of all of them, though, Grandma is the worst. I don't annoy her. I just terrify her. Yesterday I was out front with my 3 tiny dogs, letting them use the grass equivalent of a bathroom. Grandma stepped outside of the house. I picked up my poodle so he wouldn't try to run over to her and jump up on her. I then waved and said hi.
This was how she reacted.
I've never seen a woman that age shuffle so fast. She ducked her head, shielded her eyes with her hand, and did a complete 180. She burst back inside the door from whence she had came before I could so much as attack her with a caustic, "How are you?"
Which, I mean, is just amazing to me. This surely has to be the first time ever that a person has fled in terror at the mere sight of a thin white guy with 3 cat-sized purse dogs.
If you think that's terrifying, you should see the sleeveless sweater-vest I rock in the summer so I can let "the guns" breathe.
But really, I can only imagine Grandma running back inside, heart racing and out of breath, struggling to relay her tale of horror to the others about the ghastly white guy that almost asked about her day.
Maybe I should have told them I'm not actually all white. That I'm part Mexican. No, wait, then they'd think I was in a gang, selling drugs. Better they just think I'm an evil, scary white guy.
Anyone else here have neighbors that hate them simply because they exist?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)
Music: Olympic Ayres
Beer: Goose Island Oktoberfest