Monday, October 19, 2015

Ladies and Gentlemen, Meet Mr. Tuck Watley

So we've got some great news and some terrible news.

The terrible news is that today's post is full of words and light on comics, so to those who only come here for the "purdy pictures", who don't give a shit about our actual words, feel free to get back to that rousing Buzzfeed quiz, "What Potato Is My Spirit Animal?", that we temporarily distracted you from.

The great news, for everyone else, is that we're one step closer to obtaining a big fat publishing contract.

See, this is us without a big fat publishing contract, as we currently are now.


But this is us with a big fat publishing contract.



Most people don't realize that even if you sell thousands of books per year that with royalties being something like $1-2 per book, you're still not left with enough to live comfortably on. Or support your family. Not by a long shot. So we're looking to change that.

Our lovely agent, Holly, recently finished reading our newest novel and loved it enough to instantly put it out on submission. For those who aren't familiar, that means she's sending it to editors at big publishing houses who she believes will love it as much as she does. And since our first agent was a lazy dipshit that we fired, this marks the first time that we've ever been on proper submission with an agent. That also means that we're hopefully one step closer to achieving our dream of becoming successful writers.

The novel is called Tuck Watley: The Freedom Fighter Fighter and it's the first novel of a multi-book series about a lowly government phone tapper who must infringe the rights of everyone around him to protect us all... from ourselves. It's a satirical look at the NSA and how they spy on us in the name of so-called "freedom", starring a call center employee who fancies himself the American James Bond. He... is definitely not. If we do say so ourselves, it's pretty fucking hilarious.

So today we wanted to celebrate with you (or punish you, if you're one of those ingrates that just stops by for the pictures and glazes over the words while you drool Mountain Dew remnants onto your keyboard) by giving you a little taste of our new character, who we hope you'll be seeing more of in the near future. Enjoy!



Tuck Watley: The Freedom Fighter Fighter

It was just one of those days.
You know the kind, where the coffee in the break room’s a bit burned, and the air conditioning is a little low so the whole office is cold and clammy, and your coworker is bound and gagged in your cubicle, trying to shriek beneath her makeshift mouth-gag that she’s not a terrorist.
Yeah, one of those kind of days.
“Pleeb,” Gabby pleaded, “leh muh goo.”
I couldn’t understand the deranged girl, but she was probably saying some kind of anti-American, jihadist prayer, pleading her maker to strike me down. Or at least that’s what I assumed. After all, she had enough wadded Post-It-Notes in her mouth to choke a hippo. That was my idea, by the way. So was the thick wall of rubber bands that held her arms to my office chair, and the tall manila envelope stuffed over the top of her head, covering her eyes and the top of her nose.
The girl was tough. Unbreakable, even. Her forearms were covered in binder clips pinching down into her skin, and she had enough glue sticks up her nostrils to break a hot glue gun. But I wasn’t done. No, I was just getting started.
 “Now listen carefully. If you don’t tell me who you work for,” I said, holding my stapler before me like a black plastic revolver, “I’m going to waterboard you.”
“FUGH. YUH,” she spat. “I wohk foh yuh, yuh idjit.” It was times like this I wished I had spoken Arabic so I knew what she was saying, but perhaps it was better I didn’t know what kind of hoodoo curses she was putting on me. Shaking her head violently, the envelope tipped off and toppled to the floor. She then spat one of the sixty-seven pieces of Post-It-Note out of her mouth like a wad of soggy paper tobacco, straight into my face. Her eyes were ablaze with venomous defiance.
Ugh, and to think at one point I had put my tongue in that mouth.
“Then waterboarding it is,” I said, loosening my tie. My once neatly-combed jet black hair was strewn across my eyes, my face was sticky from where I had been Post-It-Note spit-balled, and my button up dress shirt was soaked in sweat—the sweat of a man who was serving his country by the seat of his pants and delivering sweet after-hours justice.
I grabbed an ‘I’ve Got a Case of the Mondays’ mug off of my desk and threw water into her face.
“There,” I said, uncertainly. “You’ve just been waterboarded. Had enough?” I guess I really didn’t know or understand what waterboarding was.
She started to scream again, and I threw another mug of cold water into her face. Then another, then another. She stared daggers back at me as her mascara ran down her cheeks. This girl must have been expertly trained in torture, because I was waterboarding the crap out of her and she was taking every face full of cool, purified drinking water like a champ.
I took one of those mugs of water, held it up to my lips, and took a long, hard sip. Fighting terrorism was exhausting work. I then splashed the remainder into her face.
“Where’s the bomb, Gabby?” I asked, but Gabby and her sixty-six Post-It-Notes weren’t talking. “Terrorists always have bombs. Where’s yours?”
Behind us, Jerry the janitor was mopping up lazily, and when he saw Gabby bound by office supplies, he arched his eyebrows at me. “Hey, Tuck. Do I want to know?” he grunted.
“Oh, hey Jerry. She’s a terrorist,” I explained flatly. “I’m waterboarding her. Or at least I think I am.” I took another mug off my desk and dashed the liquid against her face.
Oops, I thought, as my scalding hot coffee burned rosy red patches into her cheeks. Wrong mug.
But Gabby wasn’t talking. No, she was just screaming, something about fire and agony and third degree burns. I had tried to waterboard her, and instead of breaking down and confessing all she could do was threaten to bomb me. Classic terrorist.
I held my hands against my hips as I examined my bound, soggy prisoner. “Hey…do you know what waterboarding is, Jerry?”
Jerry shrugged. “If I knew how to waterboard, you think I’d be cleaning up piss all day? I’ll tell ya, you guys can hit a perp from a hundred feet away, but you sure can’t hit a damn toilet.”
We both shared a hearty laugh, and then he went back to mopping. And me, I gathered up all of the empty mugs, cradled them into my arms, and waddled toward the break room to refill them via water cooler. It was going to be a long night.
             I’ll tell you, it was just one of those days.



Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Rationale
Beer: Ska Brewing True Blonde Ale


116 comments:

  1. Hot coffee? I say she had it coming. Damn terrorist.
    Congratulations, guys! Hope your agent finds a home for your story.

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    1. See? This guy gets it. The obvious moral of the story is that even a pretty coworker can be a terrorist. Thanks!

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  2. That's exciting. Just a few more steps away from suckling off the teet of Oprah. Does she still do that book club thingy? Is Oprah still relevant?
    The concept and the excerpt are great. I wish you nothing but luck and success. No ha-ha's just a sincere hope for you two to achieve your dreams.

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    1. We appreciate the sincerity, because we know how much you were dying to tell a fart joke in the midst of all of that. So thank you. And I don't think Oprah would much care for this. In fact, maybe that's its own unique demographic and we need to explore that. The book has a sticker that reads: Most definitely NOT in Oprah's book club.

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  3. You guys deserve a major congratulations for managing to get this out there. I really wish you luck with it. I hope the publishers do love it as much as your agent does (and me). Live the dream my brothers. Use the dollar menu because you want to, not because you need to.

    Ahh but seriously, good luck with it all. Keep us updated.

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    1. Thanks, man! So I don't know if you came up with that or have seen that dollar menu quote somewhere, but that's a goddamn brilliant line, Mark, and I just want to tell you that I plan to use that as often as I can (in my poor life... probably often). Attribution most definitely included.

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  4. Congratulations! I can't wait until your rich and famous and I can crash on your couch.

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    1. We like you enough that you could do that right now, but it'd be a lot less impressive and your kids would probably worry about your sanity. Also, no matter how rich or famous we are, we should warn that that couch will always come with a small army of cats. It's just like... their home base or something.

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  5. I do hope you get your contract. I often feel this writing business is too much like hard work. Prior blogging I used to think one wrote a book, and then got it published. How naive of me. Best of luck guys.

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    1. Thanks! And yeah, it's a real process, isn't it? You're not the only one, which makes it really hard to explain to people what we do, because yeah, everything thinks you just write it and then it's published and then you're famous. I tell people I'm writing a book, and they ask when they can find it in Wal-mart. When we say we're not going to be in Wal-mart, they give us that sudden look like, "Oh, so you're not THAT good then."

      Clearly we're not WAL-MART kinda good.

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  6. That is so awesome guys! I can't wait until your major book tour so I can have a beer with you. How will you bring the shower? Oh, this is gonna be interesting......

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    1. Oh, we'll just bring one of these camo-colored bad boys. Sure, it'll be creepy as hell for anyone who doesn't know who we are, but for those who do? It's gonna be a party. A soggy, drunken party.

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  7. My cheeks hurt from smiling so much! I'm so excited, happy, elated, overjoyed, um..you get the idea..for you guys! Congratulations!!!

    And this line right here: “There,” I said, uncertainly. “You’ve just been water boarded." Had me laugh out loud so hard my dog looked at me like I was nuts.

    I can't wait for this bad boy of a book to get published so I can get my hands on it and read it. Hurry up editor/publishing people. Let's get this thing rolling for God's sake!!

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    1. Thanks! My cheeks hurt from clenching my jaw while we wait endlessly for a response on Tuck's permanent fate in this world. That's probably not healthy. And hey, you know what the best part about writing from the perspective of a highly misinformed employee is? No research required whatsoever.

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  8. Since y'all are going to be rich and famous now, can I borrow some money? I'll pay you back.

    Is this book fiction or non-fiction? I can't tell from the excerpt and Tuck's waterboarding method sounds a lot like what Dick Cheney described when he defended it.

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    1. How much you need? I'll have it sent via my butler. He's actually a carrier pigeon... but he's also my butler.

      Nobody got shot in the face in this book, so I'm thinking fiction. But that could change depending on the day. This book has a lot more truth in it than some autobiographies.

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  9. Good for you! Writing a book is a lot of work and you deserve the big bucks. Tuck really needs to watch Arrow. That show could show him how waterboarding is done.

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    1. Is that what that show's about? I thought it was about some dude in green tights, but if he waterboards people in the name of U.S. freedom this changes EVERYTHING.

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    2. He got waterboarded in the past, as shown in flashbacks. However, it was for the "greater good" or so the US government said

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    3. Oh, HE got waterboarded? Poor guy. All of that clean, filtered water and coffee on his face. That's awful.*

      *we still don't really know what waterboarding is

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  10. Good luck, boys! The excerpt is hilarious! I hope you score that big contract. And I love the final cartoon too, LOL. But now where will I get my fix?

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    1. Thank you much! If you want a fix, look for the seedy looking guy under the bridge at the corner of 9th with the big trench coat. He looks like he's going to flash you, but that coat is actually just full of delicious comics. But warning: if there's more than one dude in a trench coat, yeah, you're probably gonna see penis. Just saying it right now.

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    2. Thanks for the warning. I hate those ugly things.

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    3. Try living with one. Sure, it's fun to use, but it ain't much to look at. Like a mutant fungus trying to escape two miniature, morbidly obese Shar-Peis.

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  11. Good luck boys, I can say I once knew you......through blogger anyway.......sort of......

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    1. You'll still know us, through Blogger, sort of. I mean, it's not like we'll shut down the blog. You'll be the cool guy - the guy who was here long before all of the posers.

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  12. lmao "classic terrorist" was a great line. This one is going to be great indeed. Awesome news on the publishing contract, almost, being there for it.

    And yeah, 1000's of books sold doesn't equal much in the end, especially when the tax man comes a calling too.

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    1. Thank you kindly, good sir!

      And yeah, isn't it a blast getting a royalty check?
      You see how many books you sold: Wow, that's awesome! People are buying a lot of books!
      You see how much you made: ...Oh. Right. I only make like a dollar a book. Well, that's okay, I still made some decent money! Time to celebrate!

      Then at that point the tax man, who I imagine looks like this, socks you in the stomach and takes 25% of it. Because fuck you, that's why.

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    2. lmao the tax man may be more rolley polley than that though, but yep, sucks a ton as the money gets sucked away. At least people are buying though, that is the good part.

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  13. Books are word-based, not time-based, so what's the "jokes per minute" equivalent here? Jokes per page? Jokes per chapter?
    Reads like a fine work, pushing against the border of overdoing it, but never making it quite there... yet. Congrats on the good news, Gods peed!

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    1. As you can see, the jokes are pretty rapid fire. Let's say at least 10 jokes per minute with a high of 20 jokes per minute when we're in an action scene. The action scenes are particularly, um, ridiculous. The sex fight is probably our favorite. Yes, that's a real thing, and it's awesome.

      And Gods peed to you as well (just hopefully not on you - bring an umbrella).

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  14. Absolutely hilarious! Good luck. I'm knocking on wood for you. And it's actual wood. Not that fabricated kind or plastic painted to look like wood.

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    1. Okay, Ms. Fancy Writer, I get it, you have a wooden desk! Stop rubbing it in for us poor writers still using pizza boxes and milk crates.

      (Kidding aside, thanks!)

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  15. Oh, I'd read the crap out of this book! I really hope it lands somewhere great so we can all enjoy it! It's crazy funny, and that's just from what I saw here today. (Heck, I think you'd have a pretty good chance of turning that into a TV series! Not kidding!)

    Thanks for giving us all a glimpse, and best of luck to you and your agent in finding a great editor/publisher!

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    1. Awww, thanks! You've got me all warm and fuzzy on the inside, like early morning alcohol. Or maybe that's just the early morning alcohol.

      We'll release Tuck to the world no matter what, even if we have to go Indie with him like we've done with the other books, but we genuinely believe he's got a shot at making it big. TV/movies included. No action figures, though. I don't think kids want to play with a paranoid cubicle jockey who tortures women.

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  16. Congrats boys. I hope it finds lots of success and you can actually get a decent meal. Hopefully you won't go pissing any terrorists off either. Too funny.

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    1. In the second book, he's taking on the equivalent of Kim Jong-Un, so in other words, if terrorists don't kill us for the first one, North Korea might just kill us for the second one.

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  17. I feel so protected. This behind the scenes story of how our government works to keep us safe will be a comfort to all. I really curious to learn how the terrorist was discovered and what techniques beyond waterboarding will be used. Hoping you get that contract and get away from those Ramen noodles. They'll kill you after a while, all that sodium and other mystery stuff.

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    1. If ramen noodles haven't killed me at this point, they just never will. Maybe I'm immortal. No one should be able to eat that much salted plastic and still be alive.

      And thanks for the kind words!

      Delete
  18. Hopefully Holly isn't a terrorist. I'd hate to see her in the hands of expert torturers like yourselves.

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    1. Oh God, what if she's not actually a literary agent? What if she's just a really clever NSA agent using this as a way to not just spy on us, but hold our book hostage so it never sees publication?

      We really should have asked her to specify what KIND of agent she was before we signed with her.

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  19. And if I say so myself, Tuck is your fuckin best! I laugh at every line. Still, I'd rather have him than the NSA fighting for my freedoms. Keeping fingers crossed for you.

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    1. Thanks, Robyn! BTW, had a bit of a family emergency this last week (all is good, though) so the writing post will be next week. It features unnecessary graphs and writerly facial hair. I think you're gonna love it. (See? We're not procrastinating. We're just hyping the shit out of it)

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    2. Haha. Writerly facial hair? I'm intrigued.
      And I'm glad all is good with the family.

      Re Tuck, it's all fabulous. That "sex" scene, though - phenomenal. Better and worse than any "sex" scene I could ever experience or write.

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  20. Big publishing companies, huh? You freakin' SELLOUTS!

    Seriously, congrats on your continued success, and hopefully one of the big names will recognize the talent in you guys. I enjoyed the sample, and I can't wait for the book to be made available in its entirety. Is there a time frame you guys are looking at of when we can expect it to be released?

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    1. Hey, let those other hipsters hold onto their artistic integrity or literary soul or whatever BS they want to call it. We would sell out in a second if it meant having a book in every bookstore across the country.

      So if our agent can sell it, it'll probably take about a year to be published. That process is always really slow. But A) we promise it'll be worth it and B) if she can't sell it, worst case scenario, we'll just publish it Indie-style like we have been with the other books. Either way you'll get your hands on Tuck. Just be gentle. He bruises easily.

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  21. Sounds like a story of FREEDOM

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    1. If this story doesn't make your netherbits tingle with feverish patriotism, then you need to get the fuck out of my country.

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  22. B&B:
    This novel of yours sounds like a hoot and a half...!
    And, to be serious, don't we ALL have one of THOSE days?
    If this doesn't get you on some government list, I don't know WHAT will...heh.
    (especially whenever you invoke SOME facet of Arab-Islam-camel-jockey stuff.)

    I say...GO for it -beats the hell outta Ramen Noodle Overdose Syndrome.

    Ahh, the smell of freedom...or is that scalded human flesh mixed with runny mascara?

    Very good post.

    Stay safe out there, guys

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    1. Is it weird that that smell is making me hungry?

      Crap, what are the symptoms of Ramen Noodle Overdose Syndrome? I better head over to WebMD and find out how I die today.

      Oh, and thanks for the kind words!

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  23. Holy cow!! This is huge news! You guys have been working hard towards this for awhile now. Fingers, toes, and eyeballs crossed for you!

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    1. I tried crossing my eyeballs for good luck but now they're stuck that way and my wife wants a divorce because apparently being married to a guy who's crosseyed is a "huge turn off." :(

      Oh, and thanks!

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  24. Umm, yeah . . . Tuch is working on the new and improved definition of "waterboarding" lol. And it really was just one of those days, did he have to waste such good coffee? hahaha "Classic terrorist" made me choke on mine, by the way.

    Also, also, also . . .
    YAY for being closer to publication! Fingers crossed for you guys! Holly better make it happen. I'm not sure she knows the wrath she'll face from all your readers if she fails us. Yes, us. So best of luck, Holly, I have taken notes from Tuck's torture techniques.

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    1. Maybe that's an unexplored method of torture; give someone a mouthful of coffee, and then make them read/watch something hilarious. Also, put them in their best white shirt or dress. Also, the coffee is from 7-Eleven and was made by a teenage stoner who picks his nose a lot and doesn't wash his hands.

      Oh, and I didn't think about threatening our agent with a mob of angry, torch-wielding fans. Maybe we'll have to try that. Or not.

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  25. Glad you have a new agent who is not sitting on her ass. It sounds like things will begin to roll. This is funny. I love that the janitor just keeps going about his business. It reminds me a little bit like Office Space. I have a feeling you know how this people live their lives. My ex can totally relate

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    1. Actually, our agent is sitting on her ass, since she works in an office and sits in a chair all day... BUT she works very hard while sitting on said ass!

      And you have to figure that when you're a janitor at a place like the NSA, you've just about seen it all. After hours torture? Just don't make a mess, bud. I'm the one who has to clean that up. Or clean up the body, depending on how far you go.

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  26. Congrats!! Also I'm extremely jealous.

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    1. Thanks! But don't be jealous just yet. Until Holly actually does something about it, we're just two guys who bought a lottery ticket and are already naively spending the winnings.

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  27. Oh, TUCK and I go way, way back. To, like, a couple days ago.

    I'm really looking forward to reading this book. I mean, any book that starts out with such a low watt guy as Watley and Gabby Hayes' great granddaughter ("pershnickety females!") all tied up and kinky... well, that's GOTTA BE A WINNER.

    Good luck, Beer Boys!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Just think, when we're big time celebrity writers you can say you were there before everyone else. Yep, you have at least 2 days on everyone else, who is just a poser by extension.

      When the day comes to 'tsk-tsk' everyone else, I hope you'll be wearing your hipster glasses.

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  28. If you throw hot coffee on someone and it scalds them, then they're a witch. I'm pretty sure that's how waterboarding works.

    Also, can you direct me to the other quiz: What spirit animal in your potato? My food is getting cold and I'd like to know what I'm eating here.

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    1. You thought we were kidding but Buzzfeed is just that goddamn stupid.

      And I always thought you tested for witches by putting them underwater and seeing where the bubbles start pouring out. Or maybe that's how you test a flat bike tire. I'm not very good at this.

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  29. Ooh that's awesome news. All the best!

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    1. Thanks! We'll even settle for second or third best if it means a nice contract.

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  30. Hey! You guys might become thousandaires! And risking everything by not putting in enough comics! You are so avant-garde! Torture is a real crowd pleaser, too. You get your S&M audience ( I think it means Spaniards and Mexicans), your double naught spy audience, AND your downtrodden office worker audience. Just expanding your readership by that much ought to get you in best-seller territory in no time. And to think I knew you when...

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    1. I'm a Spaniard/Mexican/reformed cubicle junkie, so you know what they say, write what you know. And I don't like to brag, but if we get a big enough contract, I might even buy myself a pretty sweet, hardly used Kia. Power windows AND air conditioning? Watch out ladies. This baller is on the loose.

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  31. Well, you know I'm waiting to read it.

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    1. And you will continue to wait. And then after you're done waiting, when you've thought you couldn't possibly wait any longer... you'll wait just a bit more.

      Waiting is the worst part. Hopefully this whole thing doesn't take years and years. Our sanity can't handle that.

      Delete
  32. That's awesome. Congrats to you guys.

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  33. Holy Hotshit Batman and Robin! I actually jumped up and down until I remembered (after the black eye) that I wasn't wearing a bra...

    Seriously? I'm thrilled and delighted for you and am sending all the good mojo I can your way!

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    1. Ha! Thank you for the fantastic celebration laugh. And the good mojo. As things would have it, my wife got so excited about something one time that she just threw up her hand, nailed me square in the eye, and gave me a black eye. The moral of the story? We all need celebration helmets.

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  34. Good writing. I enjoyed it, and I don't usually do comedy. This was fun. Gives me ideas on what to do with all those post-its and paper clips the next time someone in the next cubicle mouths off. I like your torture ideas.

    Good luck guys; I hope you sell to a BIG FIVE soon.

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    1. Thank you, truly! We know you have quite the critical eye, so that means a lot to us. And if you think that's twisted, you should see what you can do with a protractor, a rubber band, and a sheet of bubblewrap. It's illegal in 3 states.

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  35. Idgit. For some reason that I don't even understand I totally LOVE that word.

    Definition of irony: Someone named Gabby can't say a damned thing because her mouth is full of wadded up post-its. Hahahaha.

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    1. I know, right? I like to say that word even when I'm NOT choking on 67 Post-It-Notes.

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  36. Going after the NSA? Welp, it was nice knowing you guys. Do they let you blog in gitmo? Hmm.....

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    1. Uh oh. I wonder if Edward Snowden is currently looking for roommates?

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  37. And this, my friends, is why I need to be better about my blog roll. I NEEDED this laugh on a Monday morning...and of course the great news! So proud of you both and I'm sending out serious karmic good vibes to all those red pen God complex publishing house readers. I'm sure they're going to love you guys as much as we do...if not, just point them to this comment section. Congrats again!!!

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    1. Hey, good to see you again! And thanks for the good karma/kind words. What happened to your own blog? Just blogging via Indie Chicks full time now?

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  38. Congratulations and good luck! I love that you guys have your own unique voice. I tend to go through periods of sounding like whichever author I'm reading at the time (so look out for my upcoming blog "A Pepsi for the Bathtub")

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    1. We've been there. It took a long, long time to find our voice. Playing around with different styles is the best way to get there. See what works, and what doesn't. What you like, what you don't. Also, just some advice, don't bathe in Pepsi. Yes it has bubbles but not the kind you want to scrub your folds with.

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  39. Very interesting. . .but, a bit harsh don't you think? Glue sticks up the nose?? Clips pinching the skin? Somehow water in the face is a bit insulting even if it isn't waterboarding (btw I thought that was a water sport). . .Good luck with the submitting, I'm sure they (publishers) will see the irony in your writing and the subtle humor.

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    1. Psh, you should see what the girl did to deserve those glue sticks. If anything, he was too lenient. The nostrils are the last orifice I would have shoved those bad boys in. But that's why neither of us are in the NSA.

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  40. To be honest, I don't know what water boarding is either. He could be right, for all I know.

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    1. And after writing this, we still don't know what it is. Is an actual board involved? Is it like a surf board, or an ironing board? How much water? Should it be a certain temperature? It's all so confusing. Thank God we as writers can just make shit up.

      Delete
  41. This is beautiful.

    Congrats you guys! Awesome!

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    1. Yeah, office related torture always does bring a tear to my eyes.

      Thanks!

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  42. A huge congratulations! You guys rock. Love your excerpt - hilarious as always!

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  43. Let me guess, we have to wait a year to read the rest of it?
    I can already see it as a movie. Which, in your case, is always good. The fact that I immediately see the characters and how they move and speak is great. Most books won't do that for me and this is just a few paragraphs!
    Congrats and good luck. I look forward to future updates.

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    1. Sadly, that's what it'll most likely be. About a year. But it'll be worth it. And thanks for the kind words! We both think Tuck would make a great movie. But we're biased assholes, so what the hell do we know, right?

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  44. This is fantastically hilarious. I can't wait to read the whole thing! Stationery is great for torture, or self harm, as I found out that time this one girl from my highschool kept cutting herself with a compass. I wonder is the gluesticks could've dissuaded her from the compass cutting. Unfortunately, I wasn't creative enough to try this back then.

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    1. Isn't that the truth? They always gave us those stupid plastic scissors that could barely even cut paper so we wouldn't hurt ourselves, and yet everyone I knew invariably got stabbed by a sharp pencil, or a compass, or got a nasty paper cut from the very paper they were trying to cut.

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  45. Congratulations! I wish you the best with your new novel. It was funny, but the sad thing is I can relate to Tuck. What is waterboarding? He's my kind of hero!

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    1. Truly, there's nothing better than writing about a hero who doesn't know what the hell he's doing. We have plenty of experience with that! Thanks!

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  46. Woot! Here's hoping that "on submission" status lasts for all of a week!

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    1. We hope so, too! The sooner this story gets out there, the better. Thanks!

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  47. Good luck! I hope your agent lands you a big, fat fish, er...publisher. You guys have earned it.

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    1. I also hope that fish is a giant sea bass and not an anorexic, half eaten minnow, because at this point there's nothing a small publisher can offer us that we're not already doing for ourselves.

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  48. What!!!!!!!! Nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno comics this week? What's going on here? Don't you know The Blue Ingrate needs his quick fix or beer and tricks as he addresses you in the third person singular?

    I guess not.

    P.S. Don't you know how hard it is too hit a toilet when you're wearing gloves? (boxing gloves to HIT it.... What were you thinking?)

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    1. Don't worry, to make up for it, we'll have double the comics next week!*

      *probably not

      Also, you can punch a toilet without boxing gloves, but you're probably going to end up with busted knuckles. My best advice is to leave the toilet in its natural environment - the front yard - and use it as a planter for growing some really classy ass dandelions.

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    2. Will do. I can always count on you fellas for some sound advice.

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  49. Congrats on the book and an agent who works! I love the sneak peek, especially those slick official torture techniques. Gotta write those down for when my kids get behind on the laundry.

    Seems like I have a lot of catching up to do on this blog. I've missed you guys! Glad to know some things only get better with time.

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    1. Hey, good to see you around here again! And it's true, like a fine wine we get better with time, until we're left out on the counter without a seal and turn into foul tasting vinegar that smells up the kitchen.

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  50. To think I almost missed this. Big fat happy grin on my face as I read it, can't wait for more.. or a release date or something. Whichever comes first. Congrats, I hope it's a smooth ride!

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    1. Thanks! We hope it's a smooth ride, too. It's gonna be a long ass ride, but hopefully it's comfortable and doesn't end in us plummeting off of a cliff.

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  51. While I have FELT tortured by office supplies, I don't think it has ever gone quite this far. Ha, ha, ha! 'As he waddled toward the break room'; this is some pretty funny stuff. Can't wait for the entire story

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    1. I think waddling is the universal method of carrying office supplies through a cubicle farm. Thanks!

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  52. Woo HOO! Good luck with the submission process. I hope you guys get such a good contract, you can take your wives to a 5-star restaurant to celebrate.

    Your Mr. Wately sounds like a real winner... or should I say loser? A loser who will make you guys winners. Not to mention a few bucks.:)

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    1. Thanks! At this point I'd even settle for a nice 3 star buffet, the kind that doesn't have instant mashed potatoes. Only real potatoes for these rich writers.

      Kidding aside, I think Tuck is the winningest loser we've ever created. We won't spoil anything, but let's just say he's not ALWAYS wrong. :)

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  53. Cold water, scalding coffee, it was an innocent mistake! Tuck might not be tip-top with terrorists, but he's terrific to me! Good luck Bryan and Brandon! This is destined to be a hit! Now I've used up all of my explanation points for the month.

    Julie

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