Monday, September 28, 2015

Shaken Doggie Syndrome

Last week Brandon got the opportunity to fulfill his lifelong goal of being able to play detective. No, it wasn’t Colonel Mustard in the living room with the double-sided dildo. It wasn’t that kind of detective game. You see, Brandon and Heidi came home from dinner to find the tattered remains of a pack of gum, eviscerated and strewn about the living room floor like a sugar-free crime scene.


And while at first we didn’t think much of it, we decided to check the Internet and make sure eating an entire pack of gum wasn’t going to kill our dogs. Much to our surprise, we found out that yes, it was going to kill them so hard. As it turns out, a common ingredient in sugar-free gum is a fake sugar substitute called Xylitol, which is great for people but sort of liquefies the insides of a dog.

So the mystery at hand became figuring out which of the dogs had a ticking time bomb in its gut. It was either Sammy the Rat terrier, who chews on anything and everything, or Abby the German Shepherd, who's afraid of her own shadow.


And just like that, the game of detective was over. We called the 24-hour emergency vet, and the doctor said to bring the dumb, gum chewing butthole in immediately, because it was likely that for a dog his size, the whole pack of gum could have him packing his bags for doggie heaven. Or doggie hell. But we think heaven, because he's been a pretty good dog up to this point...gum chewing aside.

So it was off to the 24-hour clinic. Sammy was checked in, and swiftly ushered into the back room where he was lucky enough to endure induced vomiting (I believe the technical term is “the supermodel’s dessert”). And you know, it's funny, because they call it stomach pumping, and yet there's no pumping involved. That part was kind of disappointing.


Regardless, once Sammy was purged, while he looked damn slim and sexy, the doctors didn’t find a single stick of gum in his barf. Which meant only one thing. My wife and I were shitty detectives.

Turns out it had been the Abby the Shepherd after all. Fortunately, she’s a lot bigger than Sammy and her body weight might have meant she’d be fine with eating poison, but just in case she wasn’t, the doggie ER was there and willing to help...for more money, of course.


For once in my life, I was thankful that Abby was an uncontrollable car puker. So I decided to tackle the problem DIY-style.

And so for the next thirty minutes, at eleven o’clock at night, I Mad Maxed my way through the streets, veering, swerving, and doing donuts like an alcoholic stunt driver all in an effort to make my adorably dumbass dog blow chunks in the backseat of my truck.

And it worked like a charm. A disgusting, swampy charm. Why the backseat, you may ask, and not the bed of the truck? Well, if you've ever seen a full-sized dog projectile vomit, then you know it's for the sake of everyone else on the road.


In the end, Abby tossed her Xylitol-filled cookies three times, and it became immediately apparent by the not-so-fresh fruity stench that she had indeed been the gum eater. When all was said and done, my truck smelled like the Kool-Aid man had used it for a week-long bender...but at least the dogs were safe.


Pictured when not eating poisonous gum

The moral of the story here is pretty obvious. You’re never sure until you’re vomit sure. Those are words to live by, really.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
Brandon (and Bryan)

Beer: Great Basin Chilebeso
Music: Billy Joe Shaver




128 comments:

  1. Dogs and cats are both really good at projectile vomiting. Glad your dog was all right, but bummer you had to spend two hundred making the wrong dog puke. Did he forgive you?

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    1. Sammy's quick to forgive and quick to forget. But even so, I'm sure he made up for it with a rightful puke all on his own soon after.

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  2. If it was 11 at night and you were swerving to make the dog car sick, how did you not get pulled over for drunk driving? When they pump a dog stomach, do they lay down a tarp for easy clean up? If not, $200 sounds cheap. And don't worry about overdoing it with the vomit humor. Vomit has always and hopefully will always make me laugh.

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    1. Well, this wasn't done in the presence of law enforcement. Drunk driving 101 right there. And you know, for all of the messes a vet encounters on a daily basis, they really should invest in a tarp. I'll suggest it. Hey, maybe that kind of $200 pointer can get me my damn money back.

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  3. I'm glad the story had a happy ending. Those dogs are hella cute too. I knew chewing gum caused problems for a dog but I didn't think it could outright kill them. Also nothing makes me want to get pet insurance quite like vet fees. The last trip to the vet cost me about £70, £50 of which was the consultation fee. Thanks for telling me my cat is healthy. Here's £50.

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    1. If only pet insurance made sense and wasn't a rip off in itself. It's about $30 a month just per pet (I have 4), but fun fact: a German Shepherd is considered "higher risk" (no shit, see above) so for them it's about $50 a month. Oh, trust me, you're paying for that $50 consultation one way or another.

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  4. Aww glad they are ok. I had a dog get into a bag of snickers once. Once the crisis was over and he was fine, I wanted to kill him for putting me through that.

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    1. And they always eat the whole damn bag, don't they? It's never coming home, seeing one candy bar eaten, and telling them come on, dude, don't do that. No, it's a trip to the emergency vet so they can pump 27 Snickers bars from their stomach. And I mean, hell, you'd probably have to pump MY stomach if I ate that many Snickers in one go.

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    2. Once when I was about 5 I ate about a half a pound of M&M's and puked all over my babysitter.

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    3. AND you had the good decency to throw up all on your own? Man, pets suck.

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  5. I'm glad the doggies are okay, but personally I'd like more exploration next time of the "Colonel Mustard in the living room with the double-sided dildo" scenario. That's just the kind of hairpin I am.

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    1. But a case like that is difficult because it only creates more questions. Like, who got the second end? We still haven't found a second body yet...

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  6. Man, pets sure can get killed by a lot of things. Good to hear they're doing fine now, you better buy a vault for that gum of yours.

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    1. With all of the things that can kill pets, maybe I should just put the dogs in the vault. Much less hassle.

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  7. Ultimately pointless trips to the vet used to be my specialty. Once, I pushed my ex's cat out of my chair and its tail went droopy. My ex became convinced I'd hurt it in some fundamental way and spent $300 to find out that no, it just wasn't raising its tail that day.

    Also, if you end up doing the "Colonel Mustard in the living room with the double-sided dildo" post, I've got some gifs you can use.

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    1. My mom once rushed her cat to the vet because of a pimple. Like, a plain as day pimple. She refused to listen to me, and hello, I was 15 at the time. Pimples were my goddamn world.

      And I don't want to sleep on the couch for the rest of my life, so please don't pass along those gifs.

      "No, no, you see she sent me all of those double-sided dildo gifs because she's helping with a post. That's all!"

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  8. lol made the poor guy puke for no reason, hopefully he forgave you. It sure isn't cheap though. The things we do for the pets, Mad Max 5 The Puked coming soon to a theater near you.

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    1. I haven't even gone out of this way for humans I know. Yeah, there, I said it.

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    2. haha neither have I, humans can help themselves

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  9. So sorry about your poor dogs. But, next time I want to lose a few el bees I'm calling Brandon to give me a ride in the back of his truck.

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    1. You've never felt as slim and sexy as you do after rattling around the backseat of a Toyota Tacoma at 11 at night. Sure, you've got chunks in your hair, but look at those abs.

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  10. Glad to hear the dogs are okay. I, too, would like to hear more about the Col. Mustard mystery. I think you've got something there. And all this vomiting humor without a reference to Mr. Creosote?

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    1. Nice reference! Well worry you not, I'm sure this isn't the first, nor is this the last vomit related post, so perhaps we'll reference our dear morbidly obese projectile vomiting favorite in the future when the post is more human-centric. I mean, it's not really a vomit-party until you've puked so hard you split open your ribs and exposed your still-beating heart. :)

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  11. Glad your dogs are both okay. We do everything for our pets. More so than many people in our lives.

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    1. I have friends and family members I wouldn't even rush to the ER for things they did to themselves. "Dude, you broke your own leg like a dumbass. Figure it out on your own."

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  12. This is a great idea for me to take on, but I won't steal your glory. I have only one small dog currently and I am down to 9 cats. That means we still buy paper towels by the case. Since I am the first one up in the morning I often have the honor of first barf of the day. I have also learned to wear slippers which, holding true to their name, often slip in stuff. I refrain from turning on lights right away because I would rather not know until I have a cup of coffee and can think a little more clearly. After a half a pot I can think more quickly, too. Anyway, a day without barf is a bit unusual so I have become adept at identifying the cause. Although with cats I think they just do it when they feel like it, but as with dogs, they often get the hickey-hooeys first for a few moments before letting it fly. At least there is a short warning.

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    1. My favorite was always trying to get the dog onto the wood floor during those hickey-hooeys so that it would make for easier cleanup than on carpet. And yet, because the carpet is like a magnet, they would fight me until they backed right back up onto the carpet and threw up all over it.

      As for surprises, the worst is unseen stair puke. Nothing I love more than tromping my way down naively, slipping on some puke I didn't see, and then gliding down the stairs like some kind of slapstick comedy movie, creating a green/yellow slug trail behind me. Good times.

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  13. Reminds me of the Christmas when my mother brought some chocolate that Matt loved and at the time was only available in the UK. Didn't think about it and she had it wrapped up under the tree. We went out for the evening and came back to silver paper and Christmas paper all over the place - she had left one chocolate for Matt. Chocolate is supposed to be bad for dogs, but I have fed it to my hounds for years without any bad results and she certainly never had a problem after this indulgence. Glad the dogs are OK. Expensive way of finding out which dog was the culprit.

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    1. Were the packages not clearly labeled? Maybe the dog thought it was for her because it didn't expressly say "Matt" on it.

      Kidding aside, I'm glad to hear your hounds never received any negative effects. My wife's chihuahua ate some chocolates when he was young and got so sick he almost died. One very expensive vet bill and a few weeks of recovery later and he was thankfully okay.

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  14. I never knew that about gum and dogs. I know grapes will make their kidneys fail.

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    1. Yep, it's sad but true. Gum will ensure they have minty fresh breath as they melt from the inside.

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  15. You're very responsible dog owners.
    I mean, except for leaving a murder weapon on the floor.
    Other than that, you're gold, Ponyboy.
    Now I don't feel bad talking about vomiting in my last 2 posts.
    At least I didn't DRAW IT.
    hahahaha

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    1. Well, if you need someone to illustrate post #3, you know who to reach out to.

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  16. I believe the original CSI ended it's centuries long run on TV last night. You should take over. CSI: Doggy Style. No wait, that would have to be on Showtime or something. Glad the pups are okay. My little dog once ate an entire bag of Hershey Kisses, foil and all. Dog emergency indeed.

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    1. Foil and all? Wow, that's crazy. Did the poop come out already neatly wrapped?

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  17. You guys had more fun with this incident that anyone else would. I laughed through it, imagining you coming up with phrases like "supermodel's dessert". Add to it the cartoons and photos - this is a charm. Never was so charmed by puke. You're a good friend for sacrificing your car's interior too.

    PS I'm still wondering what a double-sided dildo looks like.

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    1. It looks exactly like this (link is safe for work) but instead of an adorable cat and dog head it's just two dick heads.

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    2. That's kinda cute. If it glows in the dark, we have a sale.

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  18. Poor pups. I'm happy they're both okay. *blurkkkk* I don't think I'll ever chew gum again though.

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    1. I already think gum is kinda gross (you're essentially chewing something you can never swallow) but this truly sealed the deal.

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  19. Was anyone back there to hold back her fur while she puked three times? Poor baby! Remind me not complain because I had to Windex all the windows (inside and out) after letting the dogs tag along for a ride this weekend. A thirty minute trip turned into an hour clean up. But, I guess that doesn't compare to what you had to do. But in my defense, it was all six windows. They are very droolie animals.

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    1. Wow and here I thought you were talking about them puking everywhere. Drooling dogs just gross me out beyond everything else. Vomit you only have to deal with here and there, but drooling is forever. And drool you just can't avoid getting on everything, unlike puke which is pretty central. Drool is like the herpes of dog bodily fluids.

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  20. B&B:
    Lave it to you two to take a vomit-laced experience and turn it into a BETTER vomit-laced experience...lol.
    We keep ALL gum far away from where ANY critter could get it (which explains why even I can't find the damn stuff sometimes...heh).
    Makes you long for the days BEFORE sugar-free anything...when food old chewing gum has REAL (and wholesome) SUGAR in it.
    Kept the dentists in the "job-security" realm nicely, too.
    Love the cartoons...and the ploy is fusing the pickup was brilliant (if a bit odoriferous)
    I can only imagine the neighbors and what they were witnessing.
    "That's just that writer fella driving his dog around to make him upchuck...go back to bed, Ethyl."
    "He does turn some pretty fine donuts, though"

    Love the photos of the pooches, too.
    Very nice dogs.

    A great post as usual.

    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. The funny thing is that the gum was in a plastic bag, way up on the counter. We think the cat grabbed it out of the bag and knocked it to the floor, which the dog then ate... like a little asshole accomplice.

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  21. First time I ever encountered the expression "No shit, Sherlock" in conjunction with a Sherlock Holmes costume.

    Poor Sammy. He was thinking: Why are you doing this to me?

    Well, that's what he would have been thinking if dogs think. I've had dogs and I know they don't think. They just do... and doo-doo.

    I almost threw up at the sports bar yesterday. No, not from drinking too much. From eating too much. I'd just come from the all-you-can-eat buffet, and overdid it. Then I tried to drink beer right after. Got one Leinenkugel's 'Summer Shandy' down, but when I tried to tackle a Lagunitas IPA, I knew it wasn't gonna stay put, so I walked away and left it on a slot machine.

    The last thing I wanted to do was puke all over the bar. Everybody'd be thinking: Sheesh! That guy couldn't even drink 24 ounces of beer without barfing. What a lightweight! What a puss!

    'Chilebeso'... I had one late last night, after the food settled. No question about it, that beer is in my Top Ten (along with about 35 other beers).

    Wow! I'm still full. I may have to go see the vet and get my stomach pumped. That, or take a wild ride in my pickup truck.

    ~ Stephen
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. I've seen my dogs think, especially when they're about to do something they know they shouldn't and I'm watching them. They're thinking, "Should I still do that? Or do I want to get spanked?" Now, I didn't say they were smart enough to make the right decision, but they do think about it, at least.

      Also, you're a trooper for attempting to drink after an all-you-can-eat buffet. You know what you need to invest in? An all-you-can-drink beerfet. For $20 you get all the beer you can drink. Includes a complementary stomach pump.

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  22. Damn, that's oddly fortunate that your dog gets car sick. The only way to get my dog to barf is to buy a new carpet or furniture set. He can't resist the sight of untainted fabric.

    That'd be funny if the proper way to pump a dog's stomach was to just have the veterinarian stand face-to-face with the dog and make fake gagging sounds until the dog threw up. That'd certainly work on me.

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    1. I'd just love it if you could get a dog to puke by repeating the word "moist" over and over again, right in its face.

      "Moist! Moist! MOIST!"
      Ugh, that word sounds so gross. *BLEGH*

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  23. I was kind of thinking it was the German Shepard. There's always a plot twist with these mysteries.

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    1. Still not the best possible twist ending, though.

      "Who ate all of this gum off the floor? Oh, it was just Brandon. That's really kinda sad."

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  24. That's one area where dogs aren't so bright...they'll eat almost anything.

    Cats, on the other hand (at least mine) act like anything I put in front of them is beneath their station in life.

    Larry

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    1. Ain't that the truth. I can offer my dog a cardboard paper towel roll and he'll try to eat it. Dumb, dumb, dumb.

      Meanwhile, I can offer my cat a piece of freshly roasted chicken and she'll snub it. "No, the piece isn't small enough. Bring it back when I can eat it in one bite, ingrate."

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  25. Those darn German Shepherds. They act so innocent, but they're such trouble makers! My Schultz once ate a whole tub of Benacol butter spread. It made for interesting poop. Glad your canine is okay.

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    1. I don't know what the hell Benacol is but I don't think I'd want to eat that as a human either. That sounds like an off-brand of horse tranquilizer.

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    2. "My horse used to suffer from painful rickets, but she's A-okay now that I've been treating her with Benacol®. Thanks, Benacol®!"

      *Warning: side effects include diarrhea, vomiting, lesions, pus pockets, anal fissures, bladder cancer, and involuntary slamdancing.

      "Ask your horse doctor if Benacol® is right for you today."

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  26. So glad your dogs are alright. I've had my dog Falcor now for about a year and we found out he has a very sensitive stomach. Gave him a french fry..he puked. Gave him a bite of hamburger...he puked. Gave him a meat ball...you guessed it, he puked. What happened to those dogs with the stomachs of steel and would wolf down anything, sit there and wag their tails for more? I had a dog as a kid that would sit between me and my brother at dinner and we would feed him the vegetables and liver (once a month) that we didn't like. Not once did he ever get sick. Man, I have a wussy dog.

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    1. Meanwhile, my chihuahua's favorite meal was a McDonald's cheeseburger and fries. Uh, no, he didn't get that often. But when he did he didn't puke. Come to think of it, I don't think I ever saw that little 4 lb thing puke once...

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  27. I've been feeling bad for over a week now. Well, actually longer than that. The last few months have been "iffy" every day. The migraines. Oh, the migraines. Then I got the brilliant idea to try and get off one of my meds. Yeah, that seems like sound reasoning given that I already felt pretty damn awful, no? Anyway, in the cutting back on said med, my vestibular issues kicked into high gear. What is that you ask? Well, I only have 30% function in both ears. I can hear fine. Got nothing to do with that. It is all about not being able to "find myself in space," which creates dizziness like you wouldn't believe. So, the dizziness cranks up the nausea, which cranks up the migraine... leading to a cesspool of unwellness.

    So, reading your vomit post. Ah... not so good. I feel for the dogs. As someone who is ready to hurl at any given moment for the last 10 days or so...

    My phone was playing music in the background. Guess what was playing while I read this post? Forget it. Don't guess. I'm happy to share.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NRdHsuuXxfk

    You're welcome.

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    1. Ha! That's awesome. For your next song, you should listen to Eminem's Lose Yourself.

      His palms are sweaty, knees weak, arms are heavy. There's vomit on his sweater already, mom's spaghetti...

      Every time we eat spaghetti in this household I sing that to the wife and she gets. So. Mad.

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    2. I love that song.

      Maybe not so much right this minute.

      But someday soon.

      I hope.

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  28. Luckily for us, Scrappy, while well versed in eating human food, has never shown an interest in eating random crap while we're not around. Worst he's done is tear up used kleenexes or candy wrappers- just to say, I'm pissed off that you left without me.

    His predecessor, Fred, liked to be the goat of the dog world. You couldn't leave a wrapper, a pen cap, a paper clip on the floor and turn your back.

    My sister once had a dog who became famous when he shit out a baggie of her son's pot. Relatively intact, as I recall, and the smoke was even stronger afterwards. From a high standpoint, that is.

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    1. I wonder if you could sell that for a higher price. Kind of like they do with civet coffee where they charge a higher price since the civet is literally shitting the coffee out. It's an untapped market, my friend.

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  29. Those are good looking dogs. Many years ago, when I was married to the asshole, one of the dogs got sick after a visit to the vet. I told the vet the dog had behaved strangely earlier in the week. He walked sideways like he was drunk. Then when he got sick a few hours after seeing her, I called her. She said he was having an allergic reaction to his shots and to give him some Benadryl. He got worse. He was unconscious. We went to the emergency vet. He was actually having seizures. They couldn't save him. We went back in the morning to hug him while he was euthanized. How come euthanize is spelled correctly according to spell check but euthanized is wrong? Let's ask The Queen of Grammar later. Anyway, it cost $1,000, give or take a few dollars. We took him home to bury him in the backyard. We cried so hard. I cried so hard I could hardly stand up. The asshole cried, and I think it was about the only time he honestly cried over anything--and we weren't crying about the money. A few years later, one of our dogs went out for before bedtime potty. Something was wrong with him. He acted as if he didn't know where he was and didn't know how to get in the house. I went out and led him in. He lay at the foot of my bed. I thought, I can take him to the emergency vet to get poked and prodded, or maybe he'll be okay in the morning, or maybe he'll die naturally. At 3 a.m. the smooth collie genius Faulkner sounded the alarm that his friend was dead. Asshole was out of town. I called my sister. I was doing the cry so hard thing that when my brother-in-law answered the phone he didn't know what I was talking about. I managed to tell my sister. She told me to go back to bed. Go back to fucking bed with a dead dog? She's a fucking bitch. I called a lady who lived kinda nearby. She came over and we put the very heavy dog on a blanket and carried him down the stairs and to the garage. In the morning, I called the receptionist where asshole worked. Some of the nice guys who worked there came out and buried the dog under his favorite tree, where he liked to nap. I called asshole. He had no reaction. Later, he said he had always hated the dog. He hated all the dogs. Why am I writing all this? I guess I got started about the cost of the emergency vet, and the dog died anyway. Well, I'm tired now, so I'll be quiet. I'm glad your dogs are okay. I had my stomach pumped once. It was horrible, but it didn't stop me.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Wow, that's awful. All of it. I've had my own sad experiences in parting with dogs. I think it's harder than parting with most humans because often you wonder if they knew you loved them, like really knew it since you could never say it to them in words they'd understand. Also, because most people are assholes. But worry not, because all dogs go to heaven. I've had dogs come back and confirm this for me from the great beyond, and I don't give a flying fuck if people think I'm crazy for saying it, because I've experienced it and I know what I've seen. Cats are invited too. People optional. Tell your friends. Especially if those friends are dogs.

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    2. I know all the dogs who have owned me will greet me when I go to heaven. What other reason could there be to live?

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  30. Great post! Was the terrier all like, "what the fuck you guys??? what was THAT about?!?" The driving around thing is genius. I spent a literal fortune on kitty when she was eating too many lady bugs and had tummy issues. Worth it of course, but I'm a little bitter. It's not like she's even tried to get a job since we last talked about it, you know?

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    1. Well, the terrier forgot pretty easily because dogs are dumb like that. I just say thank god it wasn't the cat. Those little bastards never forget. Or forgive.

      And are we not talking about the fact that your cat is a lady bug serial killer and will eat them until she gets sick? Are we pretending like that's normal cat behavior? Because it's not!

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  31. If you don't mind, I will use "Supermodel's dessert" in the future-too funny. Yes we do everything for our fur babies. Seeing your German Shepherd makes me want to go through the computer and hug him and squeeze him such a cutie! Well, in the pictures, not when he is puking. The really gross thing is when they eat their own puke. I really don't understand that and then they want to give you a kiss-nope...not gonna happen. Glad the crisis has been averted.

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    1. She's really quite huggable when she's not vomiting uncontrollably. And maybe they just like eating it so much because they know it's called the "Supermodel's dessert." I mean, who doesn't love a good dessert?

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  32. Oh noes! But you have to make sure...ouch. Sounds traumatic for all.

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    1. Yeah, I don't think that was a pleasurable experience for anyone involved, dog or man.

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  33. Not long after we got our black lab (this was 18 years ago; he is no longer with us), we took him to the beach. He puked all over the back seat of the car. However, by the time I could pull over to try to clean it up, he had already taken care of the mess. That's a bonus with dogs.

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    1. Tastes just as good going back down as it did coming up, amirite?

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  34. For the most part opening mouths and barfing, next time flame shower the dogs - "kill meeeee pleaseeeee!" "Squeal" but I wonder could you do it to your own best friends?

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    1. Sometimes I want to burn the entire house down when I'm trying to kill a spider but I miss it and it slips into a crack into the wall, but outside of that I try to save the sweet, cleansing fire for bodies in my backyard.

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  35. No where in this post did I see a finger pointing at the person who left the gum in a place where said pooches could get it...class you guys!

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    1. Believe it or not the gum was up on a counter in a plastic bag, so chances are good that the cat took it out and knocked it down for them. These assholes all work together. I should watch my back at night.

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  36. Glad to hear the dogs are ok, those vet bills can be expensive. I have a bird and have had some expensive bills and let me tell you after a vet visit she is in a very fowl mood for days.

    the barfing is just gross - but hey even we humans do it on occasion and I can honestly say it is not fun.

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    1. Well, my dogs barf from eating stupid things like gum and chocolate, which is poison. And we humans mostly throw up when we poison ourselves with alcohol, which is a totally different situation and much less stupid.

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  37. When my mom's dog got her paws on some left over Valentine's candy (a whole damn box, the greedy bitch) the vet said to give her a tablespoon of peroxide until she started puking. In the end, we didn't need to help her out because apparently an entire box of chocolates will make anyone sick.

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    1. I vomited in my mouth just thinking about eating a whole box of sugary chocolates. I truly don't know how dogs, little kids, the morbidly obese, and people that hate themselves do it.

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  38. So the dumb, gum chewing butthole (just quoting) was innocent after all? You had the wrong dog purged? See, that shit always happens to me. Who did it? The blue one.

    Poor Abby. I had no idea gum can kill a dog. How did you know?

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    1. You'd be surprised how many results Google returns with when you type in, "Will gum kill dogs?" Frankly, the answer is so many, that Google shouldn't even give you results listings. It should just say "YES, DUMBASS, NOW TAKE YOUR DOG TO VET" in gigantic flashing letters.

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  39. My parents had the pleasure of going through that with me when we drove on family vacations. Sometimes, I even made it out of the car on time. It never seemed to affect anyone's appetitie, as we always stopped for dinner afterward. Glad your adorable dogs were okay. You were wise to try the DIY method. Best doggie doc ever!

    Julie

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    1. Maybe I should start my own all-in-one vet/alcohol detox service. I'll just drive both drunkards and animals around in my car until they puke. That'll be $20, please. Don't complain - the other guy's charging 10x that amount.

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  40. Thank goodness you pumped the little guy first! Your powers of deduction are well invested.

    Incidentally, I nearly didn't read on after the title; made me a bit queasy. But, being the gritty voyeur I am, I'm proud to have held in my cookies through the post :)

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    1. See, this is why we do comics. I mean, imagine if instead of drawing silly looking, neon green cartoon vomit, we just uploaded pictures instead. "And here's the dog projectile vomiting all over the carpet. Now here's the wife vomiting because she just got vomited on..."

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  41. I'm glad that my beagle was never that much of a butt hole. I did, however, have to worry about her trying to drink my coffee, usually on my work desk, but beagles have evolved to fly. Luckily, she never drank more than a lap before I caught her, and she already had a weak stomach so she'd make herself vomit, usually on my work desk. Still kept my vet on speed dial.

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    1. My cat's evolved to simultaneously run full sprint and projectile vomit. Ah, the magic of nature.

      I think the vomit on the work desk is just a very harsh critique of your work. Which isn't to knock you. We've had both dogs and humans shit on our work, physically and metaphorically. And which did which may surprise you.

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  42. Don't worry, I wasn't expecting the truth of life when I came here, so your vomit filled post was totally perfect.

    I didn't realize the gum was lethal. I have an old dog who eats it every time my kids leave it down. Well, actually, she eats anything left down. She once ate a bag of flour after nosing open a cupboard. We just take her food from her for a day or two and try to flush her with water, because she eats the packaging and all and I fear she'll get a bowl blockage.

    She'll be 16 this winter, and I am amazed she has made it this long!

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    1. But isn't being vomit sure a truth of life?

      Only sugar free gum is lethal, so if you get the regular kind, then the worst that happens (I assume) is your dog just blows bubbles out her butt. I mean, if she's been doing it for 16 years, then nothing will kill her and her iron stomach at this point. :)

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  43. This story reminds me of the time when I was about 8 or 9 years old, and my family came home to find that our little Maltese Poodle mix had eaten one of my little brother's diapers. The whole thing. Unfortunately for her, the thing was absorbing all of the moisture in her body, which was causing it to continually expand in her stomach. My parents took her to the vet, who said there wasn't much to be done at that point except wait for things to...er...get moving, or an expensive and risky surgery that may or may not work. My parents opted to leave her with the vet overnight for observation. Luckily, she came out of it ok, and was home by the next day. Seriously, dogs. Amirite?

    Glad your gum-stealing pooch is doing ok, and that you were able to figure out a free treatment, rather than paying two vet bills. Yikes!

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    1. I once knew a girl whose dog ate a pair of socks. The vet said pretty much the same thing - either it was going to pass, or it was going to get blocked up and require thousands of dollars in surgery. Thankfully it passed.

      However, with that said, she is truly the worst dog owner I have ever seen in my life. She would buy and feed her dog an entire Totino's pizza because "the dog liked it." She actually gave her dog - a husky - diabetes. How the fuck do you give an athletic dog like that diabetes? You have to be a special kind of stupid, that's how.

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    2. YIKES! $200 to make a dog puke.

      My little Olaf who was only about 4 months old at Christmas, stole some chocolate laden cookies off a side table. Fortunately, the sly little culprit was seen and Rachel (a former Vet Tech) was here visiting. She held him down and had us pour about 1/4 cup of hydrogen peroxide (exactly what the Vet would do), down his little maw. Within an hour he puked up all the chocolate and about everything else he had eaten in the past month. BUT, he was fine and lives today to tell the story. Keep that in mind for the next time, but hopefully there is no next time, but then...you know dogs.

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    3. We have 5 dogs between the two of us. Trust me, there will be another time. Dogs are stupid like that. So this is really good to know. And here I would have just gone supermodel style and shoved my fingers down their throat until they vomited on me up to the wrist.

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  44. This sounds very familiar.

    Currently I am waiting to see if Bosco the beagle can keep water down. He's been having a puke fest for the past day. He is also known to eat things that liquefy his stomach and require late night ER visits.

    Tonight does not appear to be an ER visit night.

    ... but I'm never sure until I'm vomit sure.

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    1. I hope Bosco feels better. I don't think I've ever met a dog that didn't like eating things known to kill them. It doesn't matter how many years you spend feeding them regular meals and treats; they still think the floor is an all-you-can-eat buffet full of tasty goodies that we just, you know, somehow forgot about.

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  45. I can't be 100% sure but is this actually just a clever update of the first Sherlock Holmes mystery? I know remakes are all the rage now, and dog vomit's pretty much a big thing too.

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    1. This is still better than most of the bullshit "Sherlock Holmes and the Case of the Expired Copyright" novels I see swirling around Amazon like an unflushed turd. If you listen closely, you can hear Arthur Conan Doyle spinning in his grave so furiously he's about to launch into orbit.

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  46. Props for the chest burster post script. I had a doberman who got into my backpack in high school and ate a pack of mint gum. It wasn't sugar-free. Didn't seem to bother her. But I had to clean up the weird gobs of dog-chewed mint gum with silvery wrapper bits mushed in. Blech.

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    1. While that does suck, at least you didn't have to clean up that dog-chewed, partially digested gum with silvery wrapper bits as projectile vomited in the back seat of a truck.

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  47. You're dogs are so adorable. I'm glad their better. I can't believe how friendly your German Shepard looks. The German Shepards in Germany are massive, some with long hair, and they aren't looking to play.

    I have a Jack Russell who eats everything. I'll spare you the details of some of the things I had to get out of his mouth.

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    1. OMG! I can't even believe I used the wrong word usage TWICE!

      I meant to say, "Your dogs are so adorable. I'm glad they're better."

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    2. At least you corrected it. Most people would smile and say, "Yep, totally nailed that comment. Your welcome, guys."

      This one's massive, but she's just a big pathetic bundle of love. It's great. I don't think I'd want the military variant that eats people.

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  48. I'm so glad I'm eating while reading this ;P

    Also, good on you for being a good doggie owner! :) Glad your pups are OK!

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    1. I just realized that I was eating most of the time I was illustrating this. Oh how desensitized we've become.

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  49. Hah! Oh man. I've got enough kids pulling stupid stunts that we avoid complicating things with pets. But on the puking front... I have a brother-in-law who will puke if you pretend you're about to. Really cruel, but kind of funny too.

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    1. Meanwhile, I have so many problems with stupid pets that I'm in no hurry to complicate things by adding kids.

      Also, your poor brother-in-law. I would abuse that little quirk until I was permabanned for life from all family-related events.

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  50. Hi guys!
    Came here via Debra's blog, but I have seen your witty comments over at Blues!
    This made me chuckle....especially when the Vet ONLY wanted $200 more! Ha!
    Hope to visit again!
    Cheers!
    Linda :o)

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    1. Us? Witty? Glad to hear we aren't the only ones who have been drinking.

      Thanks, though, and cheers!

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  51. I've no pets right now but sympathize with the vet bill. Geez, I almost got sick reading this. No joke. I knew when my throat started to close, and tears formed in my eyes... I better stop looking at the pictures.
    Glad the dogs are okay now.

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    1. It's okay, looking at pictures of Brandon's dogs makes me physically ill too.

      -Bryan

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  52. Haha, I just love dogs. They may sit amongst the mess or missing food and look at you as if to say, "What?" "Look at this cute face, I didn't do it". They always look guilty. Most of the time the evidence is in their mouth. We've had entire hams and roasts missing along with an entire package of tortillas. She did not feel well after eating the tortillas.

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    1. Meanwhile, my cat once knocked down, ripped open, and ate out of a full box of cookies. Left crumbs everywhere. And a half eaten cookie on the table. Then when I confronted her she just looks at me all calm and annoyed like, "What? You want something?"

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  53. Your poor dogs. (And your poor truck, too. Not a pleasant clean-up job, I'm sure.) All's well that ends well. I'm glad they're both okay, and a bit slimmer, too. (Like your wallet.)

    We just returned home from Tennessee, and one of our friends' dogs had just returned from the animal hospital after eating some rat poison the week before. He went through all kinds of misery and numerous medical procedures, but while we were there, he kinda made up for it. He got away with all kinds of stuff he wouldn't ordinarily be allowed to do, because the smart little booger kept playing his "But I almost died" card.

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    1. "I lost 10 lbs through my wallet and never looked trimmer! Or poorer!"

      And yes, dogs are absolutely fantastic at making you not mad at them. "Well, you just cost me $1,000 and destroyed half of my house... but you're just so damn cute."

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  54. Hmm. Could have sworn I commented on this one, but I can't seem to find it. :-/

    My mother once had to pay $2000 for an MRI and lumber punch because our dog suddenly became paralyzed. Turned out he had (of all things) meningitis. No one had even known it was possible for a dog to get it.

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    1. Ouch, that sucks. My dog actually went paralyzed about three years ago from a ruptured disc (had no idea at the time). They presented me with two options: pay thousands of dollars for round the clock care, or I could do it myself. Yeah, I did it myself.

      (She's fine now. Hopefully yours is too)

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  55. Holy shit, the "dumb gum-chewing butthole" line and "while he looked damn slim and sexy" had me cracking the hell up. You guys get me every time!!

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    1. 60% of the time we get you every time. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

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  56. Xylitol is bad for dogs. Great to know. Sorry about the issue, though. I can just imagine the car swerving and the terrible time at the 24 hour clinic where they tend to charge twice as much regardless the hour.

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    1. Pretty much anything will kill dogs. Fruits, vegetables, houseplants, chocolate, gum. Now I see why they eat the same damn thing for every single meal of their life.

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  57. Pretty ingenious, taking him for a drive to get him to throw up! Poor doggies, what a bad night for them, but thank god they are okay! I

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    1. I handled that so well I'm thinking of opening my own veterinary clinic. Not really. Thanks, though!

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  58. Hey now I understand why you guys own a pick up truck. Its a handy place for Sammy or Abby to barf up when going out for a spin.

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    1. Well, according to the title Brandon owns that truck. It would be weird if I owned his truck too. I don't think his wife would like that. Or him.

      "What do you mean I can't drive my truck to work today because you're playing real life Mad Max?"

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  59. If a dog had vomited in my car, I'd have to set it on fire afterwards. Nothing else would make it feel clean enough to me :P

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