Monday, September 14, 2015

Adventures In Online Dating: Choke Me Baby One More Time

Online dating is a great way to snag up a spouse. It's also a great way to meet the mentally unstable headcases trolling the furthest depths of the backalley that is the Internet dating website. As many of you know, it's not the first time we've shared our experiences with this.

In part one, we met a woman who was fond of surprises (surprise, it's herpes!), and in part two we met a woman who did a really awesome job at hiding her crippling physical handicaps until it was date time.

Today we want to start off by telling you about Mary, a gal that Bryan met for a drink back when he was trying out online dating. Now, where most people would have started off a conversation with a 'hi' or a 'how are you?' and therefore beat around the crazy bush, Mary wanted to get straight to the point and lay out all of her craziness onto the table immediately. Literally.





Mary, upon meeting me, had a memorized laundry list of dos and don'ts that I, as a potential date, must abide by. I don't remember all of them (and not all of them were crazy), but here are some highlights.

1) You must open doors for me. Especially the car door. I had an ex do that once and I loved it, so now I make every guy do it.

2) You can buy me flowers - and should, because I love them - but just don't ever buy me roses. I once dated a guy who bought me roses, but he broke my heart and now whenever I see them I think of him and it makes me sad.

3) If we make it to the bedroom, I don't do doggystyle. I had an ex that could only finish that way, and it felt demeaning, so now I just don't do that at all with anybody.

4) I'm Jewish, and I know that's not a problem for you, but let me just say that there will NEVER be a Christmas tree in my home. Ever. So if we date, just remember that you will never celebrate Christmas ever again.

No, I'm not kidding. She actually said the words "you will never celebrate Christmas ever again."

Aside from that, do you see a pattern? That's right, she basically wanted to take out every grievance she's ever had with an ex-boyfriend on me, going so far as to say in the first 10 minutes of meeting me that if we ever became a thing, I could not engage in a particular sexual position because another guy ruined it for her.




Needless to say, we did not become a "thing". Nor was there a second date. Like the tactful gentleman I am, I ran for my fucking life.

I thought she was a sexual weirdo, but oh boy was I wrong. No, it was Steffi who was the real sexual weirdo. I met her for coffee after exchanging a few messages online, and if you thought Mary's list was TMI (too much information), that was nothing compared to Steffi's icebreaker.





Yeah, so Steffi's thing was being choked with a belt until she blacked out while getting the D. And I mean, I'm no prude, but I just have no desire to sexually strangle a woman until the life is drained from her body.

She also said (seriously) that she traditionally dated EMTs because they were "trained to properly resuscitate her", but that I was so "cute" she was willing to give me a chance.

Uh... thanks?







Ultimately, I had no desire to date a girl that wanted me to choke her unconscious and potentially kill her just to achieve orgasm, so I never called her or saw her again. I mean, did we learn nothing from David Carradine?

Now those were some terrible stories about me, but as an honorable mention, let's not forget the time Brandon started talking to a woman online, only to find out she was a Bigfoot.





Okay, that didn't really happen, but we didn't want Brandon to feel left out of this post. And while Bigfoot may or may not exist, the crazy-lady-laundry-list and the choke-me-unconscious girl definitely did, and somehow those both are a bit scarier than a yeti in a dress.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Bernhoft
Beer: Goose Island Oktoberfest

124 comments:

  1. Who tells people those weird sexual fetishes on the first date?
    No Christmas ever was definitely a deal breaker. And no doggy style? I bet she didn't like the Bloodhound Gang song The Bad Touch.

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    1. I'm no Dr. Fraud here but I feel like if a woman can't even do a particular sexual position without it bringing back PTSD relationship memories that maybe, just maybe she's not ready for another relationship yet.

      Delete
  2. Awww, date over? But Yvetti took the time to cook and everything for you!?!
    How are people so inept with human interaction? Everyone knows you have to slowly reveal your nuttiness one "endearing" quality at a time. Maybe choking girl was just a huge fan of INXS. HOW IS THERE MORE THAN ONE CELEBRITY WHO HAS DIED FROM AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION!?!

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    1. Because the lesson here Pickleope is that if you need to get choked unconscious to get your rocks off YOU WILL EVENTUALLY GO TOO FAR AND DIE. To think, if I had married that girl I might not even be the blogger you know and love. No, I'd be serving time in federal prison for gruesomely choking my wife to death with a belt. "No, your honor, she asked me to do it! She said she needed it! I swear!"

      Delete
  3. Man those are some rough first dates. It makes me wish I had gotten onto the dating scene so I had some good date stories. I have a few but nothing like that. I wonder if the second girls female friends feel comfortable having sex on the first date because what she was willing to do so quickly was way worse. I have heard other girls say similar things. That they like to date EMTs because they like it just that rough.

    While there are things I'm not all that comfortable with thanks to my exes I try my hardest to not take it out on my current partner. She's incredibly kind and deals with my bullshit. I feel bad about the way I feel sometimes. I could not imagine writing up a whole list of instructions that include the words "because my ex".

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I'm no sexpert here, but I feel like if you need to be resuscitated by a trained professional after having sex that you're doing it wrong. Maybe that's just me.

      And what I loved about Mary's craziness (real name, what's she gonna do, sue me?) is that she not only talked about her ex's bad habits...but the good stuff, too. "I had an ex that opened car doors for me, and I loved that so much that I make every guy do it." It's like she thought she could just mold a guy into what she wanted by taking everything she liked and applying that, while simultaneously eliminating the things that hurt her. Lady, that is NOT how men work.

      Delete
  4. OK, I can understand the first one had serious ex boyfriend issues, and she may have killed you for the slightest mistake like turning on the radio to the wrong station. But the second one could have been loads of fun. I mean you could have unloaded all of your pent up aggression on her, slapped the shit outta her and she would have seriously enjoyed it. A win/win!!!!

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    1. Yeah, but what happens when I invariably killed her because she went too far, and the police showed up to find this sexually abused, battered, choked to death corpse? "Hey, she TOLD me to do this, officer. Bro fist?"

      Delete
  5. I have a guy friend that has an online dating account and finding someone like him is exactly why I am scared to get my own. I have a hard enough time trying to get away from the jerks I encounter outside of dating sites.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. See, jerks I can handle. Your personalities clash, and you both know the date is bad. But crazy people can't tell the date is going horribly. No, on the contrary, they think everything's going just peachy, and while you're trying to figure out how to jump out the window without making a scene she's already planning the damn wedding.

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    2. Absolutely. Crazy - not exclusive to either gender.

      Delete
  6. The ones who won't let you do things or say things because of past relationships are idiots. I run from them as fast as I can too. Obvious they can't let go of things and if you so much as cause them to break a nail you'll hear about it for the rest of your life.

    Maybe the second one was an under cover FBI agent searching for potential murderers to track lol

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    1. After number two bragged about her, uh, sexual desires, she pulled back her aptly named choker and showed me a few faint, yellowed bruises, as if to hint to me that it had been a little while since her last choking. I mean, what man wouldn't be ignited with lust after seeing that, right?

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  7. Replies
    1. I was so proud of that I'm now hoping to shamelessly drag her back as a recurring character.

      Delete
  8. Oh wow.

    When i hear stories like this, it makes me happy that I don't date. Ever. No, I'm happy that i am completely and totally alone and will probably die that way, pushed intop a back corner of a 5th rate government nursing home and forgotten.

    Woohoo!

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    1. One of these days you'll stumble into a little old lady who wants nothing more than to be choked unconscious, and then you will be complete. You will be whole.

      Delete
  9. I thought I had some rough online dating experiences but compared to you, not so much. The worst it got for me were some rando guys sending me nudes. Who does that to someone they just met an email ago? *shudder*

    The first thing I thought of as I read about the choking chick was David Carradine. Sad that's how he's going to be remembered forever. Even Eminem mentioned him in one of his songs.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "I sent this random woman I've never met a picture of my ugly, misshapen penis. Why is she not in love with me yet?" - creeper guy logic

      Delete
  10. Those women are just crazy! I'd be running away too. I actually met my husband online way back in the day when it was still creepy. We were only friends until we met and then I couldn't resist his dice collection, I mean, his geeky charms.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Awww, love at first dice.

      I met my wife online too, after I waded through the crazies. On our first date she admitted to me that she was a raid leader in World of Warcraft. After that I was smitten.

      Delete
  11. The 2nd one has some kind off death wish. Maybe the basis for 50 Shades of Grey?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well I'm no helicopter pilot billionaire so compared to 50 Shades of Shit she was really willing to settle for less.

      Delete
  12. Oh my gosh! I am kind of stunned by the level of crazy that you encountered during your online dating experiences. I mean, seriously! So many people have actually been strangled to death doing what Steffy was asking (okay, so basically demanding) for you to do. And that "laundry list" is one of the most unbelievably insane things I've ever heard of. If she has such strong feelings about that stuff, wouldn't such things typically be addressed over the course of a relationship, as they come up naturally? Yeesh!

    Oh, and the yeti in a dress, named Yevetti? Brilliant. Seriously, I giggled aloud, and I'm currently sitting at my desk waiting for class to start. Oh well. I didn't get too many odd looks...

    I myself have never experienced online dating. That makes me happy.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Not gonna lie, I'm so proud of Yvetti the Yeti that I'm already trying to think of how we can (shamelessly) bring her back as a recurring character.

      And I don't think Mary understands how dating works. I'm not a dog.

      "I like it when guys open doors for me."
      Okay, that's nice to know. Duly noted.
      "You WILL open doors for me because I make all men do that."
      Do you have arms? Oh, you do. Okay, great. So open your own fucking door. And now that you've opened it, walk through and keep going, you crazy, demanding harpy.

      Delete
  13. Yvetti the yeti, ayy.
    The first one I'd just straight-up get away from, agreed, but I'm sure Steffi's case could be worked out? Sure she's a bit open, probably somewhat desperate, but that's nothing that can't be solved.
    Question: Have you also had "normal" dates? What's the crazy/normal ratio here?

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    1. Steffi literally told me that she could not achieve orgasm unless she was choked the fuck out. That's not something you work out. I don't mind being adventurous, but I don't want to test the threshold of "will I murder my lady today?" just to get it on.

      Answer: I met my wife that way and she's normal...ish. Does that count? I guess that makes the normal/crazy ratio about 1/100?

      Delete
  14. If I am ever widowed and try dating again I wonder what kind of strange old women I will run across. Can you imagine after six or seven decades the kinds of things they may think of or "need?" Things like, "I can only get off in the back seat of a Chevy Corvair," or "I only date guys wearing polyester leisure suits," or " I'll need a hit of LSD and some Jefferson Airplane in order to have a second date."
    I realize the years and gravity may take their toll and I'm okay with that as long as I don't see nipples next to her ankles.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "I only get off while taking Quaaludes."

      If that's the case, you're better off just buying one really nice suit, pretending you're a billionaire, and shacking up with some 18 year old bimbo. I mean, if you find a REALLY stupid one (which isn't hard) you could probably milk that lie for at least a month.

      "I told you, baby, my mansion is getting fumigated, which is why we have to stay in my spare 1 bedroom apartment. Yeah, termites, that's right, they kept getting attracted to all of the money I just have lying around everywhere."

      Delete
  15. LOL. Despite the TV ads, I don't really know anyone in person who has had online dating thing work out. None of their stories were as hilarious as yours.

    Susan Says

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    1. Well, I met my wife that way, but you don't know me in person either, so I could just be another "weirdo on the Internet."*

      *which I very much am, see above cartoons, sane people don't draw those

      Delete
  16. OMG, I want to pretend like I don't know which would be worse in this post but I can't even. No doggie style? What a freak.
    I like the IDEA of a "do's and don'ts" list, but the execution? Yeah, never seems sane.
    That girl should just do what I did when I was single, pretend she's allergic to roses and pine trees and date girls for awhile until her anger goes away toward men. And also? LOTS of therapy!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. A dos and don'ts list is okay if you don't go spouting it off like a communist manifesto. Example: "I love getting flowers but I don't like roses. I have some bad memories attached with those. I also like it when a guy opens the door for me. It's chivalrous." Okay, that's good to know. But Mary's above list, in demand form, is just batshit insane.

      Delete
  17. And from this moment forth, whenever I need a good laugh, I shall re-read your statement: "I'm no prude, but I just have no desire to sexually strangle a woman until the life is drained from her body."
    This nearly beats to death the Jewish gal's laundry list including abstinence from doggy style. Frikkin nutters.
    Thanks for sharing more dating stories, BnB. Brightened my morning.

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    1. I almost kinda want to meet the man who's so heinous that he ruined an entire sexual position for a woman. Then I want to shake his hand - not for the deed itself, but for helping me dodge a real bullet. Thanks for taking one for the team, dude, so that I didn't have to.

      Delete
    2. The only thing I'd suggest is that you put gloves on, or wash really good, after shaking his hand. We don't know where it's been, except that it's likely been to rare-explored terrain on that neurotic gal. And who doesn't like roses? What a freak.

      Delete
  18. "Hey, I just met you. And this is crazy, but here's my belt . . . so choke me maybe." Hahahah WTF. And the list, OMG the list, "Well, chick, I'll do something probably all your exes did, and I'm sorry I might remind you of them . . . but I'm running the hell away from you!"

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    1. I don't say this often and mean it, but LOL - that is damn funny. Like, I wish I had thought of that and included it in the post.

      "And all the other boys
      Try to choke me
      But here's my own belt
      So choke me maybe."

      Delete
    2. Hahaha nice!

      I had two songs, but went with the "choke me maybe" ;)

      For the first chick, Milkshake played in my head:

      My long list runs all the boys from my yard,
      And I’m like
      Open my door,
      Damn right, Christmas no more,
      I can do you,
      But not doggystyle . . .

      o_O LOL

      Delete
  19. Wow. This is exactly why I never did online dating.

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    1. It's never too late to try. I hear there's a wealth of high quality people overflowing on Craigslist's personals.

      Delete
  20. There are strange people in this world, but I've never met anyone with a 'laundry list'. I've met gropers with no idea of anatomy, and crying men who whine about their daddy not giving them a chance, or lotharios who use the 'love' word to excess thinking it will oil the hinges of ye old chastity belt. Maybe there should be 'gene' control. . . .

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    1. See, this is fascinating because over here you only have the male perspective on crazy females, but I can only imagine what normal women have to put up with in crazy males. I mean, let's not forget about guys that send dick pics, or guys who expect you to pay for everything because they have no job and live in their mom's basement, or, you know, married guys.

      Delete
  21. B&B:
    I would have NEVER guessed that your online experience would be so..."enlightening"?
    I figured you two to be more the "standard" tactics and venues kinda guys.
    (shows how much I've learned over the decades).

    I don't DO lists of any kind (unless she hands me a list of former lovers she's KILLED...then I kinda pay attention).
    Nor do I present lists to prospective soulmates...demands are best left for when AFTER you're married (then the real "fun" starts...right?).
    But, truth be told, my wife is someone I actually met ONLINE...and we've been together for 18 years (seems a LOT longer...hahahaha...OUCH, that hurt)
    She can hit when she wants to.

    Former "loves" were people I met at work, at school, and yes, even at a TOY SHOW (seriously...the one I let get away).
    If I had it to do all over again, it would be a lot more difficult to find "that special someone".
    (unless I went to the local SPCA and got me a nice golden retriever).
    Usually can't go wrong there, if being a chronic bachelor is in the offing.
    Then again, in a couple decades (if I make it), I can chase the nursing home therapy cuties around in my wheelchair!

    There is ALWAYS hope...just not where we are prone to look.

    Very good post - LOVE the cartoons.

    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. We typically have been more for standard tactics. My cohort actually met Mrs. Brandon in a bar. But at the time I wasn't so lucky. I got sick of meeting drunk party girls at bars (which, duh, you end up meeting a lot there because of the location) so I figured what the hell, let's try online dating. Met the wife that way, so it wasn't all bad. Just the women in between.

      Delete
  22. My sister-in-law has had over 60 online dates and still hasn't found Mister Right. I doubt she will, but who knows. She has a journal of all her dates and the men she has met. OMG, I can't believe all the crazy guys out there and she dated many of them. Her suggestion is, if you really like the person you are dating, give it 5-10 dates before wanting to spend your life with them. Usually after that many dates, the real personality comes out because they are no longer trying to impress you.

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    1. Completely agreed, and yet that still makes me wonder, if it takes 5-10 dates for the real personality to come out, what either of these two women were REALLY like. They were already crazy when they were trying to make a good first impression. Imagine knowing the real them.

      Delete
  23. Oh they're out there all right!! They come in the form of females and males...NUTCASES! I think we could collaborate and write a book about our online dating experiences!! LOL

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    1. I think if we wrote that book it wouldn't be classified as comedy, it would be classified as horror.

      Delete
  24. Every now and then I think, "Maybe it's time I get back in the dating game. Oh... and since I don't seem to be meeting anyone at my regular haunts, perhaps I could give online dating a try."

    Now I'm thinking that's just not a good idea. I'm not sure I want to wade through the crazy in order to meet someone.

    Of course, now I'm thinking about all of my LTRs and none of them would have happened if those guys had laid their crazy on the table in the first ten minutes. So, there is that. It's really easy to walk away ten minutes in vs. 6 months to a year.

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    1. Don't get me wrong, I do appreciate these ladies laying out the crazy so I didn't waste my time with them. However, I don't think things would have gone 6 months to a year with Steffi anyway.

      "What's wrong, dear? You've seemed sad the past 4 months."
      "Well, I was really hoping you would choke me unconscious during sex, but I was afraid to ask."

      Delete
    2. Robin-I'd have thought your mother's experiences would make you swear off the whole online experience!

      Delete
  25. You know the best one to date is the Yeti even if she is eating baby parts. I have dated through the internet like I said in the past but my worst ones were the chocolate fountain guy and the guy with no teeth (oh and then there is Fargo Man). The first date-she wasn't eating rabbit was she? I could hear her say "I will not be ignored!" As for the 2nd nutbar from Alpha Centuri, maybe she was actually with David Carradine that fateful night he never woke up. I mean she may be showing up on America's Most Wanted soon-These 2 are just nuts!

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    1. The guy with no teeth. I still cringe. The next installment will include the girl who had meth teeth. She, uh, didn't smile in any of her pictures. I see why now.

      And I wasn't so much worried about the second girl being a murderer. I was more worried about me murdering her. Imagine the police show up and there's this girl lying there, dead, with bruises all over her neck, naked, spread eagle, and I'm just like, "Thank God you showed up, guys! She MADE me do that!"

      Delete
    2. ahhh-yes that old excuse:) The first girl is more the murderer...the 2nd one is one you see on that old show called "Kink"

      Delete
  26. I never did online dating, but I have had a few blind dates back in the day. I surprised I'm even still friends with some of the people that set me up on those blind dates. Needless to say, though, our friendships were damaged from that point forward.

    I wonder how people like this prepare for these types of dates. I bet they sit a chair in front of a mirror and talk to themselves until they've convinced themselves that dropping a laundry list of no-nos in front of someone they just met is the most normal thing in the world. There's so many weird people, and I don't know how they survive being so fucking weird.

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    1. We've never tried to set each other up on blind dates because that just sounds terrible and we don't hate each other. I do, however, have a (now ex) friend that tried to set me up on a blind date so offensive that I couldn't even fathom being his friend anymore. Seriously, this dude once tried to set me up with his coworker, a 350 lb ginger girl with a lazy eye. I mean, I'm sure she's got a wonderful personality and blah blah bullshit, but what the fuck, man? I thought we were friends!

      Delete
  27. While I can beat Bryan's horror dates, I can't beat a Bigfoot (although a member of the women's rugby team at my college once asked me out, but I deferred since I questioned the wisdom of dating a woman who could kick my butt).

    People rave about online dating as better than random encounters, but I think that's a crock.

    The online shuffle replaces that initial ask-so it may take some of the sting of rejection away-but you still are at the same square one on the first date.

    Not to mention that in my limited experience with online dating, I have found that most people are (gasp!) somewhat less than truthful with their profiles.

    When I had a profile, I put it all out there...literally the ugly truth!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't doubt you can beat my horror tales. With that said, I kinda want to hear them. Lady Sasquatch and all.

      For me, I was working 60 hours a week in a small office, so meeting people was hard, unless it was at the bar, and as explained above, that was just the breeding ground for "annoying drunk party girl" rather than "future wife." So I gave online dating a try. It wasn't a total failure, as I met the wife there. She's also a homebody who was busy with her career, so we never would have met otherwise.

      She wasn't deceitful in her profile, either. It simply said "I hate people and I have chinky eyes." Yep, this is total truth.

      Delete
    2. I have always been too much of a chicken to follow through, but you actually meet a lot of very nice women all over the place-I met a very nice lady Saturday while waiting for my tires to be installed.

      We chatted a bit.

      Did I ask for her number? No.

      Note to young people who are still looking-if she talks to you for ten minutes, ask her for her number! The worst she can do is not give it to you.

      Otherwise, you end up being fifty-something and hoping for some of Brandon's Lady Sasquatch leftovers....

      Delete
    3. Wanted to finish my thought-I do no think online dating is inherently bad,

      I just do think it replaces the age old tradition of going up to a total stranger, asking her out, having her say "no way, loser" and saying "your loss" while walking away with your tail between your legs.

      Good times.

      Although if I saw a profile that led with "I hate people," I, too would have been intrigued.

      Delete
    4. Are you familiar with that whole "friend zone" thing? A guy is essentially too much of a wimp to ask out a girl so he just becomes her friend, and then she either thinks he's gay or just sees him like a brother, so when he finally works up the courage to ask her out (a year later, and she already has a boyfriend) it's incredibly awkward and terrible and destroys everything?

      I wonder how much of that, for this generation, is a result of being a part of the online dating generation, where you don't really have rejection in the same way. Most of the times it's just something stupid like you send them a "wink", and if they don't "wink" back it means they aren't interested. But there's no real interaction. And you're winking at 100 girls simultaneously, so you aren't even focusing on the ones that don't wink back, you just focus on the ones that do.

      Both of us went through the in person asking out thing. As I told my wife, I never had any intentions of being her friend. Or any girl's friend. If I saw someone I liked I talked to her a bit and asked her out. If she said no, oh well. You don't make a big deal out of it and move on. Not sure why that's so hard for this generation, but it really is. Maybe that whole online dating thing accounts for part of it.

      Delete
  28. The last time I dated a woman...
    Al Gore hadn't invented the Internet yet.

    It's been a little slow lately.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well now that Al Gore has invented the Internet, have you considered online dating? It's chock full of herpes and crazy. And crazy herpes. Act fast before global warming (that other thing he invented) kills us all.

      Delete
    2. Just think, Stephen, with the Internet, you can find your very own "Tipper" McCarthy!

      Delete
  29. Some day I might have stories that I'll tell.
    Just dating stories since they were before online.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Crazy - one thing that will always stand the test of time.

      Delete
  30. Ah, she went with the scroll. Very nice. Very old school.

    I knew a girl who kept making stipulations that started with "My ex..." like that. I knew her very briefly.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I would have gone with the tome, personally, but that's just me.

      My general rule of thumb was always that if a girl couldn't stop mentioning her ex, to get the fuck out of Dodge before she made you into another.

      Delete
  31. lol Dang you've had some dating disasters alright.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The most ridiculous part, of course, is that this series isn't even over yet...

      Delete
  32. Bunny boilers the lot of them, they make Meryl Streep character look normal!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You know, I had to Google that reference, because I didn't get it. Never saw the movie, but I wouldn't be surprised if either of these women were so deranged that they boiled a live pet rabbit (for Mary - it's on her list, and the other, Steffi - it's the only way she can climax).

      Delete
  33. B&B - Bittersweet post guys. Online dating is not my thing :)

    I've been in contact with two nice men since 2006, and 2011. Both are Bible study partners - one I've met. The one I haven't met, plans to visit next month. Also, they have met each other. I am grateful for their friendships.

    Seriously, this post choked me up, a bit. (smile).

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    1. I don't think online dating is anyone's thing. And don't worry, Dixie, this got us a little choked up too. Had I actually dated Steffi, I could have been sent to prison for 20 years for strangling my wife to death (she asked for it, I swear!) and I'd never be the writer/blogger you tolerate today. Or had I actually dated Mary, I could have been sent to prison for 20 years for strangling my wife to death (put THAT on your mile long list, you harpy!).

      Delete
  34. Okay, so since you get like a million comments and I basically just buzz through them on my way to add something stupid, this may have been asked before. But...


    Did choke chick care if you choked her while doing doggystyle? I mean, not for me, but Scrappy's curious.


    (No, I didn't read the post to him, but he enjoys looking at the pictures.)

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    1. Logistically speaking, that position seems like the optimal way to choke someone with a belt. But I didn't ask. No, I assume if I asked she would mistake that for interest rather than horrified curiosity.

      Delete
  35. Do they realize that the whole "laundry list of demands" isn't cute/adorable/charming? I mean, I think you have to be super super hot to go with that approach and not scare someone off. Like too hot to online date.

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    1. Ouch. Sad but true. This was not a model-hot 20 year old girl with princess demands. This was a just kinda cute 30 year old woman who was a little soft in the middle. Maybe I should have said that to end the date early. "Lady, you are not nearly pretty enough to be making those kinds of demands."

      Delete
  36. I guess no doggie on Christmas either? What a bummer

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    1. "But we can still do missionary on Hanukkah!"
      ...
      Worst. Holiday. Ever.

      Delete
  37. Steffi's story creeped me out :P Bet then I felt better when I learned that there's such a job as "celebrity pathologist".

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    1. We all have to have our place in the world. Just remember that there's also such a job as Elf Sex Expert.

      Delete
  38. Man, sautéed baby leg? Really, where did you find these dating sites? I've heard of these strange things happening; the list people, the choking people… they actually do exist, according to the really desperate friends I have (not saying you were at anytime desperate… well??) that have tried the many online dating services here. It boggles my mind, really, my mind has officially been boggled by all these online dating horror stories.

    It begs the question, why do it? Having teeth extracted anally would be less painful. LOL Seriously though… BUT… it obviously was an investment of time well spent given the writing fodder it has provided; not to mention the enlightenment it provides us as we stop by and lap thirstily at the dating trough.

    I eagerly await the next instalment.

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    1. Sadly, it doesn't matter what dating site you hit up. They're all full of crazies. You know, the funny thing is that I only did this for about 3-4 months before I found the wife, but it seemed like an eternity because of all of the crazies I met. I truly have no stories of, "Well, we met, there wasn't much chemistry, and we just peacefully parted ways." It was all crazies, all the time. The wife was the first normal(ish) one and I snagged her up instantly, right when I was about to give up, to be honest.

      Maybe that was a sign from the cosmos to make me appreciate her even more. "Just remember, dipshit, she could have wanted you to choke the shit out of her or had meth teeth (next installment!)."

      Delete
  39. It truly frightens me how many psychos are out there on dating sites. I salute you, Bryan, for your perseverance. I gave up.

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    1. After a while it almost feels like an investment. Well, if I've encountered this many shitty people thus far, that means a good person just HAS to be around the corner. Just one more date. Just one more date.

      Maybe this is what gambling addiction feels like.

      Delete
  40. Hahaha... dating sites freak me out! Thankfully, I've never had to use one (and hopefully never will) but I've heard and had to deal with horror stories and their aftermaths. There are some seriously crazy folk online, but I guess some good folk too. My brother-in-law met his wife online. So there's that.

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    1. I eventually met the wife through this very online dating. I just had to wade through a sea of crazy to get to her. Really makes you appreciate the normalcy after all is said and done.

      But really, if my wife died, or left me, or left me for dead, I just don't know what I'd do. I couldn't do it again. As Danny Glover said so many times, "I'm gettin' too old for this shit."

      Delete
  41. Ha, wow that is pretty crazy. Bet you're glad she didn't say she liked to strangle you with her belt, but I imagine if I read the other comments on here someone else has also said this :) Love your posts.

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    1. No, actually you're the first, so congratulations? And thanks for the love! Especially the non strangulation kind.

      Delete
  42. It's amazing how many nut cases there are out there. I mean, Steffi could have at least waited until you finished your scones before telling you about the death choke hold. And I think Mary would have gotten farther with you, if she left out the parts about her ex. :D

    Hi! I'm Denise, and I like to take long walks on the beach, have romantic dinners, and get a great bare ass spanking every night.

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    1. I don't know about getting farther with Mary. She had kind of a bland personality. As someone else pointed out above - she was definitely not hot enough or interesting enough to be making such demands. She didn't understand half my jokes, and that was a deal breaker in itself.

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  43. Bwa-ha-ha-ha! I only ever dated one guy I met online, and he was actually pretty dang sweet. Granted, we were high schoolers so it wasn't a play-for-keeps kind of deal, but again, he was a great guy. You never know what you'll find, but looking on sites where you have common values/beliefs helps significantly.

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    1. Well they didn't make a "writers with a fucked up sense of humor" dating site, so I settled for what I could get. I don't think I would have been welcome on the niche dating sites like Farmers Only and Black People Meet.

      Delete
  44. Running is the right thing to do in many cases. Or in my case it would be walking since I don't do running. No one hands me a list of what I need to do or how I need to behave unless I get sent to prison and a bad relationship might be worse or at least as bad as a stint in prison.


    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    Replies
    1. I think I'd rather be in prison than date these nuts. At least in prison I have a choice on whether I choke my bunkmate out.

      And I may not run as fast as I used to, but put a crazy chick in front of me that wants my babies and I'll turn into Usain Bolt.

      Delete
  45. But you guys could have gone on a date to watch World's Greatest Dad and bonded over auto-erotic asphyxiation. Missed opportunity.

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    1. That actually would have been the exact timeframe that we went on our awful date. And hey, what's more appropriate than watching a Robin Williams movie about suicide by hanging? Yuks all around!

      Delete
  46. Woah. Reminds me of my first girlfriend. Her mom was a vice cop, so I had an unwritten list of don'ts (no do's) that understand no circumstances should I attempt to even think about. Suffice to say, she eventually broke up with me. Over the phone.

    Father Nature's Corner

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  47. Online dating. Did I get to tell you guys about my experience with a real life crazy eyes? It just, I don't even know if there was an e-dating post since it happened. Reading this just makes me think of this girl punching herself in the face repeatedly so if we're gonna continue doing this, you guys are gonna have to stop writing about funny moments in e-dating history because my heart is so broken.

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    1. No, you did not tell us about this experience, and I'm thinking you really should post about that. That beats any of our stories, hands down. So please, tell us about the one that got away.

      Delete
    2. I hadn't even considered it.. thanks for the inspiration.

      Delete
  48. Nothing says love like talking about an ex. I still love the comic of you running away. I hear the "boing, boing" in my head. I didn't know Goose Island made an Oktoberfest? I'll see if I can find it because after all it is Septemb.....

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    1. I'm glad I'm not the only one that hears that. That's really how I run. Needless to say, I don't do many marathons. Too self conscious.

      Goose Island does make an Oktoberfest, and it's pretty good. And you know what? If they can start selling Christmas decorations in August, then I think I can have a goddamn Oktoberfest in September.

      Delete
  49. In the case of incoming ugly honey bunnies - run for cover. Of course you could just let your mind run wild, imagine shes the most beautiful girl that wants hot steamy fun.

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    1. In the dark everyone's a 10, right? Just ignore that weird lump.

      Delete
  50. I can't believe you went with Keith Carradine! We haven't learned anything since HISTORY'S FIRST RECORDED CASE OF AUTOEROTIC ASPHYXIATION:

    Peter Anthony Motteux, English author, playwright, translator, publisher and editor of The Gentleman's Journal, "the first English magazine," from 1692 to 1694, died from apparent autoerotic asphyxiation in 1718, which is probably the first recorded case.

    Wikipedia has a list! Of COURSE Wikipedia has a list.

    I also would have accepted "Kenny."

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    1. Wikipedia - your trusted source for possibly untrue smut.

      And I'm sure some caveman choked himself to death while wanking it. Let's not kid ourselves. Mr. Motteux was hardly the first.

      Delete
  51. Replies
    1. WHAT ABOUT ROBERT CARRADINE? NO LOVE FOR REVENGE OF THE NERDS?

      Delete
  52. After reading this, all I can say is 'I guess it takes all kinds'. I can't believe Bryan stayed with online dating long enough to find his lovely wife. And I thought all the weirdos of the world were hanging out somewhere in some bar. yikes!

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    1. I think I stuck with it so long because of stubborn determination. I mean, after suffering through this I HAD to find just ONE normal date. That probably doesn't look good, then, that I married the first normal date I found. Maybe I was just being reminded how truly shallow the dating pool can be before I found the one.

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  53. After reading about the two lovely ladies that Bryan met, I kind of feel sorry for Yvetti. Your online dating stories are always a treat, though you must have had nightmares for months afterward.

    Julie

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    1. You know, baby eating aside, Yvetti wasn't so bad. Yetis get a really bad wrap, but she's house trained, she won't eat YOU (just children), and she loves the outdoors. Plus she's famous on the Internet, and many men dream of snagging her up. She's quite the catch.

      Delete
  54. The fuck! My favorite was the guy who said, out of nowhere, "Oh, by the way, do you like guys who have big dicks, or a guy who knows how to use it?" As if they were mutually exclusive. And now what did he just disclose about himself (on the first date randomly?!) So I somehow managed to say with a straight face that I was into bondage, knowing that he was from a conservative Vietnamese family and would never call me again. It worked.

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    1. That reminds me of a great comic I saw the other day.

      Gangsta: Ayyy gurl you like big dicks?
      Girl: Yeah!
      Gangsta, sad: Dang.

      Delete
  55. Steffi brings new meaning the to phrase "dead lay." I never dated online, but I've had a few similar (never choking) conversations at the bar. I stopped letting guys buy me drinks as they felt free to tell me all about their sexual fantasies. Putting the wedding ring back on my finger did not help, nor did just flat out telling them I'm married or gay or just don't date.

    Come to think of it, I've had some pretty freaky pick up lines from girls too. Telling them they did not have the right equipment to seduce me produced a "no problem, I have that at home in my drawer." Or in a bag in the car.

    See why I date the ex husband? I know exactly what he is all about, lol.

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    1. My wife will give me shit if I leave the house and forget my ring, to which I always say that the ring isn't going to stop hoes from hitting on me. In fact, there are a particular breed of ho that actually LOOK for the wedding ring. I'm sure for you as a woman it's only a million times worse, with man-hoes, that is. And regular hoes, apparently.

      Delete
  56. Online dating wasn't a thing when I was young. Hell, what am I saying? "Online" wasn't even a thing when I was young, and the computer I used at work filled an entire room, floor to ceiling. Not that any of that matters, because I probably wouldn't have had the cojones to date any online weirdos, anyway. I did just fine attracting weirdos all by myself. (Not really. I was actually pretty lucky, and it helps that I got married when I was little more than a zygote.)

    These two gals were real lulus. You'd have been better off with the yeti. I'm sure you could have charmed her into changing her eating habits.

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    1. Sadly, weirdos are everywhere, regardless of the Internet. The Internet just makes them easier to find.

      And personally, I think Brandon and Yvetti would have meshed well. It would be nice for him, for once, to be the least hairy person in the room.

      Delete
  57. The long list of dos and don't's is a deal breaker, but I could see some horny dude sticking with her for the night and then running out the door the next morning singing, " I wish you a Merry fucking Christmas." Now the chick that needs you to choke her to near death is the crazy bitch you run from even before your drink arrives. That's all you need is a murder rap to add to your resume - lol.

    ReplyDelete