In part one, we met a woman who was fond of surprises (surprise, it's herpes!), and in part two we met a woman who did a really awesome job at hiding her crippling physical handicaps until it was date time.
Today we want to start off by telling you about Mary, a gal that Bryan met for a drink back when he was trying out online dating. Now, where most people would have started off a conversation with a 'hi' or a 'how are you?' and therefore beat around the crazy bush, Mary wanted to get straight to the point and lay out all of her craziness onto the table immediately. Literally.
Mary, upon meeting me, had a memorized laundry list of dos and don'ts that I, as a potential date, must abide by. I don't remember all of them (and not all of them were crazy), but here are some highlights.
1) You must open doors for me. Especially the car door. I had an ex do that once and I loved it, so now I make every guy do it.
2) You can buy me flowers - and should, because I love them - but just don't ever buy me roses. I once dated a guy who bought me roses, but he broke my heart and now whenever I see them I think of him and it makes me sad.
3) If we make it to the bedroom, I don't do doggystyle. I had an ex that could only finish that way, and it felt demeaning, so now I just don't do that at all with anybody.
4) I'm Jewish, and I know that's not a problem for you, but let me just say that there will NEVER be a Christmas tree in my home. Ever. So if we date, just remember that you will never celebrate Christmas ever again.
No, I'm not kidding. She actually said the words "you will never celebrate Christmas ever again."
Aside from that, do you see a pattern? That's right, she basically wanted to take out every grievance she's ever had with an ex-boyfriend on me, going so far as to say in the first 10 minutes of meeting me that if we ever became a thing, I could not engage in a particular sexual position because another guy ruined it for her.
Needless to say, we did not become a "thing". Nor was there a second date. Like the tactful gentleman I am, I ran for my fucking life.
I thought she was a sexual weirdo, but oh boy was I wrong. No, it was Steffi who was the real sexual weirdo. I met her for coffee after exchanging a few messages online, and if you thought Mary's list was TMI (too much information), that was nothing compared to Steffi's icebreaker.
Yeah, so Steffi's thing was being choked with a belt until she blacked out while getting the D. And I mean, I'm no prude, but I just have no desire to sexually strangle a woman until the life is drained from her body.
She also said (seriously) that she traditionally dated EMTs because they were "trained to properly resuscitate her", but that I was so "cute" she was willing to give me a chance.
Ultimately, I had no desire to date a girl that wanted me to choke her unconscious and potentially kill her just to achieve orgasm, so I never called her or saw her again. I mean, did we learn nothing from David Carradine?
Now those were some terrible stories about me, but as an honorable mention, let's not forget the time Brandon started talking to a woman online, only to find out she was a Bigfoot.
Okay, that didn't really happen, but we didn't want Brandon to feel left out of this post. And while Bigfoot may or may not exist, the crazy-lady-laundry-list and the choke-me-unconscious girl definitely did, and somehow those both are a bit scarier than a yeti in a dress.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Beer: Goose Island Oktoberfest