Monday, August 17, 2015

Please Stop Telling Me About That Weird Dream You Had

Today's post is a very important public service announcement, in which we ask all of you to please stop trying to explain your dreams to us. I know they make complete sense to you, but when said aloud and with no context, we can assure you that the description of that weird dream you just had sounds like nothing more than the delirious ramblings of an insane person.


I mean, how many times has someone tried to explain to you the weird dream they had, where they were back in grade school and they were taking a very tough exam but they didn't have any pants on. Also, the teacher was Jeff Goldblum. And the school was a school but it was also an airport that sold exotic fish. Then they were suddenly somewhere else doing something else and they didn't know why.

What the hell does any of that mean? Imagine if someone tried to explain that same thing, except they didn't clarify it was a dream. They would be declared mentally unstable.







And perhaps most insane is the inevitable description of someone who was not themselves. You know: "You were you but you weren't you. You were someone else, but I knew it was still you."

What the hell does that mean? We know that you're mentally insane, but do you have to project your insanity onto us by extension?

How can someone be themselves without actually being them?





Trust us, we truly believe you when you say you had a crazy dream last night, and it was just too bizarre for words. So please, take your own advice and don't put it into words. Because you can't. There's just no way to explain a dream like that without coming off like someone who escaped from the insane asylum.

Also, it saves us the huge hassle of having to smile and nod while silently wondering where your caretakers are and if they brought your pills. Because there's certainly a time and a place to talk about you and Donald Trump bathing in a tub full of butter while your dead grandmother beats you with a wooden spoon. And that place is a mental ward.

Cheers and stay lucid, friends,
B&B

Music: Malpas 
Beer: Lagunitas IPA

138 comments:

  1. Dreams do tend to sound batshit crazy when you try to explain them. My wife hears a few, but yeah, I try not to explain them. Because you just can't.
    Would the slug you like to come clean my floors now?

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    1. I don't know how well slug me is going to clean your floors. Mostly, it just kind of pushes the liquid around until it never comes out again. But it's highly entertaining* to watch.

      *disturbing

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  2. I can't count the number of times I've tried to explain a dream and then given up because I realize I sound like captain crazy pants.

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    1. Well, at least you're captain of your own crazy vessel. And you have a killer nickname. That's more than most people can say.

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  3. I'll take it a step further, I don't care if you had a sex dream about me, unless you're going to act out the dream on, in, or around me, I don't care. Dreams are the ultimate out of context theater. They are the acid trip of the subconscious confined to the most narrow of meaning relevant to only the dreamer. Also, I don't want to hear about how someone slept. Oh, you had a rough night of tossing and turning? Not relevant to me, have a cup of coffee and sweeten it with some who-gives-a-shit.

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    1. "I had a dream that I was gay last night. Isn't that so weird?"
      Yes, random coworker who I barely talk to, and thanks for sharing, because now I'm going to think that you're secretly repressing your gay feelings toward me, as evident by the fact that you felt the need to share this with me before I've even had my morning coffee.

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  4. Yeah, I'm one of these nutjobs. I love explaining my dreams to my girlfirend, but only if they're particularly strange. Like two nights ago, I had this dream where I was in class, and like, there was this kid looking at me. Only he wasn't looking at me, he was looking THOUGH me, like...

    Anyway, my girlfriend always tells me of her dreams where we break up, as if that's reassuring.

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    1. I just love the dreams my wife gets where I'm cheating on her or we divorce. And she wakes up angry at me. Even though I didn't do anything. But it felt SO real, she says. And yet I'm still here and my dick remains in my pants, I say.

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  5. And also, there's no such thing as a short recounting of a dream. No. the teller goes on and on and on AND ON FOR FRIGGIN FOREVER. Please, I beg silently to myself, kill me now and put me out of my misery.

    P.S. More Pee-Slug in future posts! Maybe team him up with Peggy Sue in some weird dream sequence.

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    1. Yes, because the longer someone explains their dream, the more I'm likely to understand it (no, no, NO).

      And come on, does this blog need something as lame as a dream sequence as an excuse to bring back a retarded goat and a pee-slug?

      Delete
  6. I would love to tell everyone about my dreams, but yeah, I know how insane they sound. But I do like hearing other people's dreams because batshit crazy makes for good writing material.

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    1. That's true, but only if it's something we can use. A sex dream about Rosie O'Donnell in a pool full of spaghetti and meatballs isn't really something we can turn into a bestseller.

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  7. This is so true. No one wants to hear about your dream of banging the neighborhood kid you used to babysit because he's now all "grown up". Seriously, one of my psycho friends told me that once when we were like 20. Uh yea, you can guess the boy was still not of legal age. But, I don't recall her having purple hair or eyebrows like Melissa. Does she have purple pit hair too? Apparently dyed pit hair is all the rage!

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    1. Without a doubt, the creepiest time we've ever been hit on is when we were at a writers conference and a 60-something year old drunk woman told us "I like booooys." Legal age or not, that sentence is just horrifying.

      Oh, and sorry feminists reading this, but if my wife had pit hair of any kind she would not be my wife. Same goes for leg hair. Or a mustache. If I can't grow a mustache, she can't have one either. Fair's fair.

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    2. I had a creepy 60-something drunk old man once come into the convenience store I worked at and said the same thing to me. Do I win?

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    3. You win for most disturbing, hands down. But in a way... that also means that you lose.

      Delete
  8. "Cheers and stay lucid, friends,"
    You should do a B-side version of this post where you cover the same topic, except on lucid dreams. "Dude I totally had a lucid dream last night man. There was this stone statue of a girl, and I turned her into flesh and blood by taking her up the butt. Then flew off and fucked your mom too, I made her totally into me."
    Because of course the first thing you'll want to do when lucid dreaming is flying and fucking everyone in sight.

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    1. And then there's that one guy who thinks he's dreaming while he's actually still awake...

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    2. Hmm, now where the hell would we put a B-side post? That would be something interesting to try one day.

      Now if only I could have lucid dreams. There's no flying or fucking in any of my dreams. No, I never get the good stuff. But oh how I'll dream about something mundane and stupid like grocery shopping. I've got that mastered.

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  9. Fun side effect of general insomnia combined with my sleeping pills? Extremely lucid dreams. I know that weird sort-of-familiar building is not my house. But that does not matter, because there are see-thru cockroaches raining from the sky and latching onto people's heads and controlling their minds in a global alien takeover and it turns out that little girl I thought I was saving is actually their leader and everyone is f*cked.

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    1. That sounds batshit crazy, sure, but that also sounds like it could be a blockbuster movie. You need to write some of this stuff down and sellout to Hollywood.

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    2. I'm thinking of compiling the good ones to pitch the SciFi channel.

      Delete
  10. I have an ex who used to try and analyze other people's dreams. I very rarely remember my dreams, but based on the handful I do remember, I'm not sure there's much of a rhyme or reason to them, other than allowing me to picture people I know naked.

    The thing is, dream logic can work great in books, movies, and music if handled properly. Michel Gondry's early movies and rock videos do this to great effect. But in the wrong hands...

    Maybe I'll come back later and tell you in depth about the hanhdful of dreams I remember!

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    1. Analyzing people is easy. According to Freud I want to fuck to my mom and you want to fuck your dad. Or, maybe since you're a lesbian, you want to fuck your mom? I'm not sure how that works. Also, I think Freud may have been a bit of a quack.

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  11. My dreams have gave me good writing ideas, but that is the only time I tell them. As telling all I was locked in a car trunk, then all of a sudden I was driving and crashed into a tree causing a coffin to fly out of the back of the car, with a hula dancing bear jumping out of it, only to be turned into a rhyming cat that dug a hole and shit it in, then kicked the dirt at me and suddenly I was on some spaceship from the magic dirt fighting off little green men with a wooden spoon, just sounds bat strat crazy. And a run on sentence.

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    1. I kind of hope that run on sentence was the synopsis for your next book. I was sold at "hula dancing bear."

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  12. B&B:
    I admit to having some dreams that are VIVID - you know...widescreen, stereo sound, Cinerama...the whole enchilada.
    Those are kinda cool...wish I could dream up some LOW prices at the damn concessions stand, though.
    Others are boring as hell...and a few are more repetitive than the reruns of The Facts of Life on some obscure cable channel.
    (and definitely without the canned laughter).

    If there is a message in our dreams...I ain't finding it, so I just roll with it.
    If we took the time to TRY and interpret dreams, we'd have no time for important things...like earning money, food shopping, and oh yeah...SLEEP!

    Now, about those monsters under our beds...LOL.

    Very good post.

    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. Yeah, a lot of people have very poignant dreams where their subconscious is trying to tell them something. I think mine is just my subconscious trying to fuck with me.

      My subconscious: "You and your high school gym teacher are knitting socks in a Chinese sweat shop until the Kool-aid man breaks through the wall and you make your escape into the harsh Antarctic snow. Analyze THAT, bitch!"

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  13. Here's the thing... If I'm at work in a dream, it's combined with school. If a hotel, it's also a hospital. I also learned that if you can't find your car in the parking lot, just pick the nicest looking car and pretend your hand is the key fob. Within minutes, you'll have it crashed into something.

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    1. Sounds like a party we want to be a part of. But hey, after you injure us all crashing in your stolen handfob car, can you drive us to the hotel hospital? We need to get patched up before workschool.

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  14. LOL. My daughter always tells me about her dreams. I seldom remember mine for too long after I wake up. Most people's dreams sound like they're on some serious illegal meds when they have them.
    Susan Says

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    1. Funny you say that, because whenever I take Nyquil I end up having dreams like an Adult Swim cartoon on acid. I can only imagine then what would happen on actual acid.

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  15. Soooo... You mean to say that no one really wanted to hear about that time I took it upon myself to open negotiations with the giant ants that were setting up a staging area to wage war against mankind?

    ...huh...

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    1. I for one welcome our supreme ant overlords with welcome arms and want it known that when they started their invasion I was highly cooperative.

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  16. I stand by my statement that dreams are the brain's way of taking a dump.
    A necessity but we do all of that behind closed doors, and we don't talk about it.

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    1. If you tell me your dream, or show me a photo of breastfeeding, you win a free picture of my latest bowel movement. Because hey, THAT'S NATURAL TOO.

      Delete
    2. A brain dump - that makes sense. After all, I'm usually just evacuating all of the bad ideas my brain didn't need anyway.

      You know what else is natural? Periods. We should, like, make those public too. Because nature is beautiful. Disgustingly beautiful.

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  17. What about when you want to keep up with the actual crazy people? They'd work then.

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    1. That's implying I actually want to keep up with crazy people. That's a strong pass.

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  18. I laughed out loud at "So much juice." So, so much juice is needed throughout the world. Oy vey.
    And there are the dreams that people want you to interpret, and any pee-slug knows it clearly means that person is going to die soon, but we don't want to tell them that, of course. So we make shit up. Actually that's kinda fun.

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    1. I love when people ask me to interpret their dreams. Like I'm some kind of dream wizard. "Well, see, by you dreaming about showing up to work with no pants, your brain is trying to tell you that your mother never hugged you enough as a child. Also, you don't get enough vitamin C."

      Delete
  19. When someone says "it was you, but it wasn't" or "it was my house, but it wasn't", I think they generally mean that in the dream they understood it to be that person or place, but when they woke up they realized that it looked absolutely nothing like them, like, "It was supposed to be my Uncle Bob but it was actually just a talking cartoon spoon and he had a moustache and my Uncle Bob never had a moustache. Why? Why did the spoon have a moustache!!? Why!!!???"

    I think it's these endless digressions about how this was that and that was kind of this and something was partly this other thing that makes listening to other people describe their dreams usually such a tedious experience.

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    1. I just want to know why Uncle Bob didn't have a mustache. Every single Uncle Bob I've ever met - and I have two, mind you - have all rocked the dad mustache. I just can't even fathom an Uncle Bob sans dad mustache.

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  20. As someone who dreams extremely vividly *and loves to share said dreams* I'm extremely offended by this post. And just so you know, when I have a dream about you, but it doesn't look like you... but I know it IS you, I'm not telling you about it. Even though it might absolutely change your life. As in blow your freaking mind. But, I'm keeping it to myself.

    Unless, of course, I feel the need to blog about it. And then all bets are off.

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    1. Your dreams actually seem like they have meaning, though. And are coherent. It's the random babbling about nothing that I can't really take.

      And hey, if you have a dream interesting enough to blog about, do it. The best I got was my James Franco cheese dream, which was real. And stupid as hell. So very, very stupid.

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  21. Okay, so dreams are pretty much the craziest things ever. I've woken up from some SUPER freaky dreams thinking "Now what corner of Looneyville did my brain pull THAT from?" From the deepest, darkest corner, that's where. You know that corner of town where even the sketchiest characters are too afraid to go, because they just know they'd get sucked into the Abyss of Insanity...

    From what I understand of my studies in psychology and neuroscience, dreams are the brain's way of sorting through all of the thoughts and experiences that we've had throughout the day. The time we spend sleeping is the time our brain uses to process everything, getting rid of what we don't need anymore, and solidifying the stuff we do need. It's actually been shown that all-nighters spent studying are the worst thing you can do before an exam. The best thing to do is to study until your usual bedtime and then get some sleep. This gives the brain ample opportunity to process and file away what you've studied. This is why I study over the course of one to two weeks (depending on the the class). I swear this method works. Information that didn't make much sense to me while I was studying it the first night is a LOT more clear to me the next night, after I've had a chance to sleep on it. The brain is so amazing! I could write soliloquys about it...but I won't.

    Oh, look at that. I seem to have been rambling a bit. Sorry about that...

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    1. Or, or, or... you could not study. I was always a fan of that. I skipped the studying and went straight to the sleeping. Then my, uh, subconscious studied. Or whatever. Because science!

      Then, after I aced my test anyway, I made sure to thank my brain by soaking it in alcohol. Because I'm generous like that. Now if you'll excuse me, I have to go drink until I forget math.

      Delete
    2. Ahhhh, not studying. I remember when I used to be able to do that. Then I transferred schools and switched programs and my whole non-studying system had to be thrown out the window. Sigh...

      I don't need booze to forget math. Math and I have always been mortal enemies. Therefore I blocked its evil influence before my teachers could even teach it to me. That's how determined I was.

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    3. Math and I have always been mortal enemies too. I was forced to learn calculus in college. The kicker, of course, is that I still remember all of it to this day. You know, all of that highly useful math that I still totally use on a daily basis.

      You know what dream I want to have? Where you and I team up in a bad 80s cop action flick and shut down math (and its Columbian cocaine trafficking) for good.

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    4. Is there some way we could sync up our dreams for bad 80s cop action flick purposes? Cuz I want in on that one! You can be the cranky loose cannon that only narrowly escapes being fired once a week, and I can be the straight-laced, clear-headed one that finally has to throw the rule book out the window in order to save the day. I think this could work!

      You: "Dammit, Candice! I TOLD you to stay the hell out of my way! Why did you follow me down to Columbia? You could lose your badge for this!"

      Me: "Oh come on! Do you seriously think I'm going to let Calculoso get away with killing my best childhood friend, George Paul Average (GPA, to his friends)? It's time we did things your way. Calculoso's imaginary numbers are EVERYWHERE, watching our every move, and the only way we can defeat them is by going against everything we learned in the Academy." [Pulls out a pen, clicks it, and puts it back in special pen holster.] "Now let's get creative on their overly logical asses!"

      And that's when we defeat them with creative writing, music, artistic licence, and our knowledge of fictional stories. Yep. This could definitely be a thing.

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    5. I love that idea! I can hear the synthesizers blasting from here.

      He's a high school dropout whose parents were murdered by imaginary numbers. She's a recent grad who always played by the rule books... Until her parents were killed by rule books. Now they're teaming up, and they're not taking names...they're taking numbers.

      They are...Candice and the Dropout.

      "Dammit Dropout, Calculoso built a highly intelligent supercyborg named Trigonometron that's destroying the city."
      "Dammit Candice, I'm gettin' too old for this shit."
      "Aren't you just 31?"
      "Yeah... and until these clowns showed up, I was only 2 days away from retirement." *cocks handgun*

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    6. Yep. I'm definitely in. Let's do this thing! (Rides a motorcycle into the sunset to an 80s synthesizer montage...)

      Delete
  22. Several years ago, I had a dream that I was a secret agent called in to defeat the evil killer slugs that were attacking my city.

    Brandon... Da fuck? Why'd you do that? I thought we were buddies.

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    1. When my wife was a little kid, her mom would "entertain her" by having her get rid of the slugs in the garden. She'd give her the salt shaker and make her go outside and melt their faces off.

      In other words, I always wondered why my wife hated Brandon with a seething passion.

      (Okay, she really doesn't, but I assume you don't either)

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    2. I hate a lot of people, but you two are not on that list. You're on the much shorter list of people I like.

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    3. Wow, it's nice to be on that kind of list for once. We get a surprising amount of death threats from angry life coaches that feel threatened by an old post we put up years ago. One of these days they're going to coach someone to come kill us.

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    4. Threatened, angry and a life coach, at that!!...You're still dreaming, coach, vividly even if hilariously!


      Delete
    5. Funnily enough, that wasn't even a reference to yourself. We've deleted some of the nastier ones, but for whatever reason, that one post is the one that gets the most venomously angry comments from life coaches. Like, you should go kill yourself kinds of comments. And on a regular basis.

      Did you see the guy that threatened litigation? Now that was hilarious. We still haven't heard anything from his "lawyer." Maybe his life coach told him to drop the case, and only charged him a small fee for that valuable advice...

      Life coaches have life coaches too, you know. It's an infinite cycle, and I know that somewhere out there must be the ONE grand life coach that coaches them all. If I had to put money on it, I'd bet he sits on a mountain top and has a very long white beard that he's fond of stroking.

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    6. Tell you the truth, I was googling quondam friend and discovered that he's presently, you guessed it, a life coach. A conventionally 'cool' dude too, at what one would safely consider to be the cutting edge of his profession in the arts, and to my great surprise Mr. Cool Dude is engaged in this unmapped and unregulated field, so..., That's how I stumbled upon your post and the rest is history. I have nothing against nor anything in favor of life coaching, per se, but consider that it's most probably something that not everyone can do without offering something of value in exchange. The flip side being of course the old adage that a fool and his money are soon parted. Beats me, coach. Be good.

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    7. Our post was modeled off of someone we both know who is very much not at the cutting edge of their profession, and is simply trying to charge people to tell them how to live their lives while having no proper training whatsoever (and being a complete trainwreck in their own personal life). You know what they say about good eggs and bad eggs in every dozen.

      You keep calling us coach, and we're gonna have to each gain about 50 lbs, grow a mustache, and chew gum with our mouths open while getting winded pacing the sidelines. And I don't know if I'm quite ready to look like George Wendt this early in life.

      Delete
    8. You're batting a 1000, coach. What are you, a comedian...?

      Delete
    9. Comedy writer. So sort of like a comedian, but with less ambition. And less desire to put on pants and leave the house. I would say less hecklers, but you see how that's gone. As Jeff Goldblum said in Jurassic Park: "Life, uh, finds a way."

      Delete
    10. Life is fundamentally what you make of it. But on a different note, can you see any similarity at all between comedy writers and, say, life coaches..? If push comes to shove, can't a life coach find a way of writing a little comedy now and then, and a comedy writer dabble in a little life coaching too...? What's the problem.

      Delete
    11. Similarities between a comedy writer and a life coach: I wouldn't recommend becoming one, the pay isn't stellar, and your career is ultimately a joke?
      Difference: who's being laughed at and who's being laughed with.

      My life coaching advice: don't become a life coach or a comedy writer.

      That one's on the house!

      Delete
    12. I'd be proud to be either one or both, coach, the sky's the limit. Be good.

      Delete
  23. What I hate is when people base their writing off of dreams. I mean, seriously, do you think that incoherent rambling that your brain is doing while you're asleep makes for good fiction? The thing that makes Lewis Carroll work is that he was actually awake when he wrote all of that stuff.

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    1. Oh! My son (oldest) recently had a weird dream about being chased by Sean Astin or something, which was weird enough, but, after the fact, he did a search on it and it's actually a THING. It really weirded him out.

      Delete
    2. If you're being chased by Samwise Gamgee, is it because he wants to kill you... or gaily spoon you while caressing your one ring and calling you his little Frodo?

      I guess either is horrifying.

      Delete
  24. Those alternate universes our minds trip into during dreams can be really strange!

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    1. I'm just glad we're living in the universe where we're all people and not the universe where people are pee-slugs.

      Delete
  25. Some dude while visiting friends in hospital starts warbling on about the "Green Room." Its padded and like got these nice comfy straight jackets, hey theres even a TV in the door.... which isn't really a TV its a looking glass, oh wait a second... its a round window for the medics to peep through! Now I remember!!! erm anyways.. says the other guy to his friend - how do you know what the Green Room looks like? How should I know? Its like well, you see...sheesh I was only fooling around, you do believe me, right? LOL.

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    1. You know, I'm trying to watch TV on this door, but all they're showing are boring doctor shows where they take lots of notes and inject me with medicine. It's like, when does Walker Texas Ranger begin, amirite?

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  26. If I thought my dreams actually meant something I would have committed myself decades ago. There are some folks who would drive me to the entrance without a second thought. The dream I was having this morning was about having difficulty with time clocks in places (not real ones of course) I have worked in with people I haven't worked with. I think it is getting to be time to stop working. I'm too old for this shit.

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    1. A dream so bad you quit your job. I like that.

      "Sorry, boss, but I quit."
      "What the hell, man? Why?"
      "Had the dream again last night."
      "The clocks?"
      "Yeah, the clocks."
      *places hand on your shoulder* "You take care of yourself, okay?"

      Delete
  27. Did I dream I posted a comment about Craigslist here last night?

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    1. And here I had a dream that you posted a comment on a really old blog post. And by "really old" I mean the same way kids refer to a song that played on the radio a year and half ago as being ancient.

      Delete
    2. Deja vu. Or is it Vuja de, I've never been here before? I was in the archives and it seemed like only yesterday. I've got to stop looking at calendars as they tend to add to my usual confusion.

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  28. Outside of reading Freud's interpretations of dreams, I think the only dreams most of us find to be utterly fascinating are... our own. "Other people" simply have nutty dreams. Our own? Scintillating!

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    1. That is spot on. Unless it tells some kind of cool (and coherent) story, our dreams are really only interesting to ourselves. Besides, trying to describe a dream to someone is like watching a Hollywood blockbuster and then just trying to describe it to someone. They will not be getting the same level of enjoyment out of your description that you got out of the movie.

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  29. Well of course, my dreams are all perfectly lucid. For instance, last night.........

    Best one I ever had was about the rain men. They were space alien killers.

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    1. Rain men like aliens that can control the rain, or rain men like Dustin Hoffman rambling about Judge Wapner?

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    2. No, no, not Raymond, rain men. I think they were part of the rain and presumably could control it too. Don't ask me, I only dreamt about it.

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  30. I totally understand what you BEER BOYS are saying and you make a great deal of sense. ...However... I had a dream last night and I was wondering if you might take a stab at interpreting it for me. It went like this:

    I saw a great image. This great image, whose brightness was excellent, stood before me; and the form was terrible. This image's head was of fine gold, his breast and his arms of silver, his belly and his thighs of brass, his legs of iron, his feet part of iron and part of clay.

    I saw that a stone was cut out without hands, which struck the image upon his feet that were of iron and clay, and it broke them to pieces.

    Then the iron, the clay, the brass, the silver, and the gold was broken to pieces together, and became like chaff. And the wind carried them away, so that no place was found for them. Then the stone that struck the image became a great mountain, and filled the whole earth, and the mountain said, "I can no longer sit back and allow the international communist conspiracy to sap and impurify all of our precious bodily fluids."

    So... any idea what the dream meant?

    I'm thinking it meant I didn't have enough olives with my martinis, but it could be something slightly more complex than that. What say you?

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Dream Machine'

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    1. I think it means you can walk, mein fuhrer! You can waaaalk!

      Delete
  31. I can totally explain dreams. Your mind sees things throughout the day, the part of your mind that comes up with dreams is usually drunk and self-loathing and comes up with the craziest bull crap.

    No wait they explain the future. Trust me I believed some guy who pretended to know something about Native American culture.

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    1. Are you telling me my dreamcatcher is not actually catching dreams? Because I haven't let those things out in like 5 years, and I'm kinda scared to see what's built up in there. Probably a lot of mosquitoes.

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  32. LOL I hardly ever remember my dreams. I think it's a defense mechanism. If I did—even I would wanna send all three of myself (fairy unicorn me, giant wasp killer soccer mom me, and regular me) to an asylum—and that's while I'm still asleep. Because dream land is also a cloud castle with jail and disco rooms . . . o_O

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    1. A disco room can either be a nightmare or a very pleasant dream...depending on your perception of disco.

      Can we borrow giant wasp killer soccer mom you for an afternoon? I've got some wasps around my deck. I'll hook you up with a really thick flip flop.

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    2. I've been in need of a really thick flip flop, so YES!!!! lol

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  33. Ha ha ha...been there. You know what adds to the difficulty? Trying to explain why something was really scary...at least to you...even though it doesn't sound like much. I love when you have the "feeling" in the dream. Then you really sound nuts explaining your "gut" instincts.

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    1. Ooh, that's a good one! We forgot having to explain an emotion that doesn't make sense. Especially fear. "Well, see, I was surrounded by puppies, but I was terrified by them because I knew they were evil. Like, possessed by demons or something. And I was beyond terrified. But they were cute puppies. You know what I mean?"

      I promise you, no one has any idea what you mean.

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    2. HA! You're BOTH right on!

      How do you 'splain something like that? But in the dream, it's, like, TOTALLY REAL!

      Or it could go the other way: "I was looking at this olive thrust through by a sword, and suddenly I felt so loved and safe. You know what I mean?"

      Yeah, I know what you mean.
      You had one too many martinis.

      ~ D-FensDogG

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  34. I don't have dreams, I have movies... really stupid, 70's abstract existentialist movies with soundtracks by Barry Manilow. Share them? *I* don't even want to hear about them!

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    1. You poor thing! What awful, traumatic experiences must you have suffered through to merit a recurring nightmare where Barry Manilow serenades you?

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    2. Yes, sympathy, I deserve lots of it... just call me Pity Party Patty, lol.

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  35. I haven't dreamt for a while. I probably will tonight. Yippee then I can blog it and tell everyone. Seriously i find anyone telling me their dream a real switch off. Its not exactly news is it! Why bother, we all dream. Well I don't but. .

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    1. I love when people blog about their mundane dreams. Because if I didn't understand in person, I'll sure understand when you put it into written words without any context.

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  36. I've had nightmares every night since I was about 9 years old. I used to have Night Terrors where I would hit and punch hubby *yeah he loved that*. I've tried prescription drugs, over the counter drugs, talking with a psychiatrist and none of it has helped. One psychiatrist told me I had unresolved anger issues that manifest as nightmares. Well, hey doc, thanks for that not so helpful insight.

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    1. Have you tried unleashing your anger in a torrent of rage all across the day, so that you've exhausted both your anger and your body before you reach bedtime? I mean, you'll probably be arrested and will have killed countless people, but when you sleep in your cell that night, it'll be the best rest you've ever had.

      Kidding aside, that's just awful! I can't even imagine what that's like. Are they recurring nightmares, or always different?

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    2. Well now there's something I have't tried. But given that I'd probably have a cell mate named Bertha that would understandably take a liking to me and want to do unspeakable things to me in our cell at night, I probably wouldn't get that good nights rest you spoke of. LOL

      It's always a different nightmare. Although I have been shot a lot and had to remove the bullet and drive myself to the hospital more times than I can count. lol

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    3. I have a feeling big Bertha won't mess with a woman who's been shot so many times she knows how to pull out a bullet.

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  37. You must have been been talking to my hubby. I was telling him about my dream and not even in great detail like i normally do. He looks at me and has said that he has never known anyone who has had crazier dreams than me and thinks I am seriously in need of some meds:) My ex has said "There are dreams and then there are Birgie dreams". The night before I had a dream as if it were a shlocky 1950's early 60's film where the higher ups sacrificed a boy and a working man to a volcano. They survived but he was chased by this huge snake but saved by the underground dwellers who want to take over from the powers above. It even had the lighting etc from a cheesy film. before that I was having an affair with Robert Redford. I have dreamt of alternate dimensions, cats sunbathing and water skiiing, time travel, Leonardo Da Vinci, bathrooms and toilets (constantly), the list goes on. In fact I took an alternate State of Consciousness class when I was in University. We had to mark down our dreams for a month. I was lucid dreaming and having so many vivid dreams I was exhausted. My prof. was intrigued with me and wanted me to be part of an experiment ( not kidding) but he said to stop writing things down as it was not good for me. Haahahahaaaa!

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    1. Wow, even I want to take notes after reading that. I've always seen instructions online on how to teach yourself to lucid dream, but it just doesn't work for me. I'm a lousy dreamer. I'm your exact opposite. The other night I dreamt that I was in a grocery store, and I couldn't find the eggs. So I left and went home. Then I watched TV. The end. That's it. For being as creative as I am, my dreams are mundane garbage. Want to trade? :)

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    2. Oh yeas I don't know mundane dreams. I didn't even tell you the time I was a woodchuck and was so proud I was rubbing my furry belly and I was hungry, waiting for my friend to throw me some peanuts. I also sang with the mice from the movie Babe. Hmm Now I did tell you:)

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  38. LOL! My husband and I have weird dreams all the time and try to explain them to one another. Then I ask him what he thinks it means. Sometimes he tells me it just means I have a lot on my mind. He's so sweet.

    I gotta tell you this one dream I had at band camp...

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    1. If it involves an oboe I just checked out mentally, and you will find me floating around my own magical la la land where stories like that don't exist.

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  39. hahahahah! This made me laugh so much! and omg. I've had such weird dreams, and I love telling people about them even though I totally sound crazy. but I shall refrain from doing that now.
    totally unrelated side note: do you guys realize how creepy mickey mouse is?

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    1. I've had only a handful of nightmares in my life. They really don't come to me. But now that you mentioned that, and I've thought really hard about it, I look forward to him haunting my night terrors for eternity now, each murder accentuated with that creepy laugh of his. Thanks for that.

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  40. I often experience lucid dreams and most of mine are very vivid. sometimes they even come when I'm side awake. A lot of the time these dreams involve myself and or people I am somehow connected to. BUT, I have learned to keep my big mouth shut. People don't want to hear about it or they want to argue about what these dreams mean. I used to think I was supposed to deliver some sort of message, but have learned that most folks want to 'shoot the messenger' if not lock him up in a padded room permanently. Recently, I told a friend that I just had had a weird experience and their reply to me was that 'I WAS a weird experience'. I guess they got that right!

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    1. That's a fantastic retort. I'm the big fan of the juvenile "no YOU'RE a ____" kind of comedy.

      I think the problem with messages in dreams is that most people don't get profound messages. Or others just mistake theirs as messages. So it's hard for them to understand the idea of getting a real message via dream. Like, when my wife dreams that I'm angry at her and chasing her with a knife, she knows that it's not a message telling her deep down I want to kill her. Deep down I want pretty much the opposite.

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    2. Your friend was RIGHT!
      You ARE a weird experience.
      In fact, you're the WEIRDEST experience I've ev--- er... I mean, you're the WEIRDEST experience "HE" has ev---er experienced.

      Now, 'splain that dream to me again. The Black Man wasn't Jesus? He was really a Black Man in the Post-Civil War 1800s? [;-)]

      ~ D-FensDogG

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  41. LOL! See, dreams are where I get 90% of my story ideas, but usually when I'm not me, in someone else's life/world, where everything makes sense.

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    1. Wow. I wish my dreams were interesting enough to form novel ideas. But I don't think anyone wants to read a novel about me lost in Wal-mart without any pants.

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  42. My beef is about my own sex dreams, which only star people that I have to 1. see in the office, or 2. have a meeting with regarding work. My subconscious is definitely giving me the middle finger.

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    1. I've never had a sex dream, for better or worse, so I feel like my subconscious is giving me the middle finger also. Though... I suppose yours is worse, having to make eye contact with that person later in the day in the office.

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  43. haha - Now here is a topic I can totally relate to as I dream every night. I have very vivid dreams and sometimes my dreams become a reality. Does that make me some sort of freak of nature? I study dream works, dreams often hold the keys to our waking life. Just my thoughts...ha..A fact you might not know creative people are dreamers, a lot of their ideas come from dreams. Great musicians have woken up in the middle of the night because they had a dream about a song. Some of my poetry comes from dreams. If, I am crazy I am good with it..as the dreamworld will always call me.

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    1. My wife has premonition dreams - something she dreams of that later comes true. So does her mom. I didn't believe her until I got my most recent car. It was supposed to be a surprise, but it wasn't much of a surprise because the wife called me as I was leaving the dealership and said, "You know, I had a dream you bought a black car. And I really liked it."

      So I brought home my brand new black car. Which she really liked.

      For both of us being so creative, neither of us really dreams that much. We've never gotten a story idea or even post idea from a dream. No, but we've been inspired plenty by alcohol! Or liquid dreams, as we call them...

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  44. My family and I have a nice system when it comes to dreams. We never tell the whole thing. Only the MAIN thing we want to share. Like something that made us laugh when we woke up or something I think would make a cool story.

    Helps to remain coherent too. ;-)

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    1. Short, sweet, and to the point. I like that. Sometimes I think we need to do with dream-talkers what they do with the Academy Awards acceptance speeches. We'll give you a good solid one minute to talk, but after that, the orchestra is going to start playing you off.

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  45. OK this all was awesome but Pee Slug made me laugh so hard I couldn't breathe.

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    1. That's probably just the ammonia smothering your lungs.

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  46. Well, at least he's a handsome pee-slug.

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    1. He won't be purdy for much longer after moppin' up all that pee.

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    2. And good luck editing your masterpiece! Did you say assassination by way of taco? I think you did.

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  47. UGH, and it SO fucking uncomfortable. I used to try to smile and nod politely, but that only seemed to encourage them, so I have stopped acting remotely interested. Thank God for Smartphones; now I can just be a total asshole and whip it out and start playing on Facebook to show them just how much I DON'T want to hear about it. Hopefully they get the hint. Another thing that bugs me? When people sum up a complete episode of a sitcom for you--like THE WHOLE 30 MINUTES. I dated a guy in college who used to do that, and I broke up with him because of it. Okay, he really broke up with me for completely unrelated reasons, but whatevs. I still hated it when he did that.

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    1. I think people that explain TV shows or movies are a post on their own. If you want me to watch it so badly, just watch it with me. Don't spend 45 minutes trying to awkwardly explain a 20 minute TV episode, and confuse the hell out of me by saying things like, "Okay, well, let me go back. So the blonde guy was actually the fat guy's son, and he killed his girlfriend. I should have said that first. It's important for later. So anyway..."

      What. The fuck. Are you talking about?

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  48. So, so true. My wife tries to explain her dreams and I get all dizzy and have to lay down but not in my bed, well it is my bed, but it isn't...you see?

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    1. And she's your wife, but she's not really your wife. She's actually a dog with a mop on its head. We've all been there, man.

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  49. I explain my dreams on the rare occasion, but only when they're coherent. I once had a recurring dream where I battled hordes of space aliens and generally kicked ass. It was an awesome time of my sleeping life :)

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    1. Now see, that's a dream I would like to hear about. Coherency goes a long way, but explosions go an even longer way.

      Unless, of course, the twist ending of your dream was finding out that the aliens had come in peace and you had wiped their entire species out.

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    2. So like the opposite of Mars Attacks. My dreams are directed by M. Night Shyamalan.

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  50. Say they don't have a comic this week, still deliver with an intermissary (is that a word?) joke. Good job, on both today's post and the new book!

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    1. That comic only took 15 minutes to make. Much faster than a regular post. I'm getting quick at this!

      Say we're not going to allow comments, finds a way to comment anyway. Stay fly, our rebel friend.

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  51. It never occurred to me that my Other probably thinks I'm crazy when I ramble on about my weird ass dreams. Thanks for letting me know! (And congrats on the book!!)

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    1. Crazy is good, though. When you find the right person, a nonsensical dream is but an afterthought in the daily craziness that keeps life interesting.

      (And thanks!)

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  52. You took a perfect time to take a week off, because I got to go back and read this one from when I was off! Yes, listening to other people's dreams is 100% awful always.

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    1. We're just glad that you don't find it creepy that we cater specifically to your vacation needs.

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