Monday, August 10, 2015

Every Warning Label Has a (Moronic) Story

Have you ever wondered about the origin of stupidity? Sure, there are plenty of stupid people doing stupid things even as we post this, but it all had to start somewhere, right? You know, 50,000 years ago Grog the caveman was feeling cold, and decided he might sleep in the campfire to keep warm for the night. And after doing so (RIP Grog), the village made sure to warn everyone else: "Don't sleep in fire."

So today's post is about the almighty warning label. Specifically, we wonder what had to have happened to a person to merit some of these warning labels that point out the most idiotic, common sense things.

Like, we all know that plastic bags contain warnings about being huge choking hazards. But just imagine the first time someone discovered this, and then decided we needed to create a label to point out to everyone else that a plastic shopping bag can kill you, as a way of preventing more people from following in those very idiotic footsteps.





How many lives has that warning saved? Frankly, we don't want to know. Whatever that number is, if it's greater than one it's highly depressing.

And it's not just grocery bags. It's the food we put inside of those bags, which now has to be vigorously labeled so we don't send ourselves to an early grave by way of tasty snack.

Imagine what had to have happened to create the need for a warning label on a bag of peanuts.






"This bag of peanuts may contain peanuts? As someone with severe peanut allergies, I'm glad I read that, because it just saved my life!"

You might laugh, but we're pretty sure someone has said that across the course of history.

Worse yet, stupid people breed. A lot. Like, when have you not seen a really stupid person at Wal-mart dragging 8 screaming kids behind them? Well, since they do breed like rabbits, they need a slew of warning labels not just to protect them from themselves, but to stop them from inadvertently killing their offspring as well.






Because if you can't store your baby in a tupperware bin, where the hell can you put them when not in use?

Okay, let's face it. We know this is a legal decision made to protect the asses of corporations and businessmen, but dammit, what a world we live in, right? The laws of Natural Selection have backfired, and if you're stupid enough to be weeded from the gene pool but somehow manage to survive your own idiocy, you're going to be one rich son-of-a-bitch thanks to a lawsuit. So now we have to protect stupid people from themselves, or face the risk of turning them and their families into multimillionaires.

All it takes is this: "Well, the package didn't say I shouldn't do that."

And really, it's only begun. Just think: one day we'll get to create a warning for personal spaceships, because some idiot will have flown into the sun. Or maybe we'll have to put warning labels on robots that say "WARNING: do not put genitals inside of robot", because some idiot will invariably try to get a robo-hummer from Rosie the Maid-Bot 3000 and will end up getting his goodies mauled off by the garbage disposal embedded in her head unit. Or maybe we'll even have to slap huge warning stickers on the sides of laser cannons that say, "WARNING: do not stare directly into laser opening and squeeze trigger to test if laser is working", because some moron... well, that's pretty self explanatory.

We've seen plenty of stupid, but sadly, we feel that the dumbest is yet to come.

What's the dumbest warning label you've ever seen?

Cheers and stay intelligent, friends,
B&B

Music: The Wombats
Beer: Red Stripe


120 comments:

  1. You mean I can't store kids in bins? Guess no one will want me to babysit for them.
    Do not iron while wearing shirt is one of the dumbest I've seen.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm a big fan of "do not use blow dryer while sleeping." But if I blow dry my hair while sleeping and iron my shirt while I'm wearing it, think how much time I'll save!

      Delete
  2. Please tell me the penis screwdriver warning and the baby in a box warning aren't true. There's a limit to the shit we should put on safety labels. My favourite ones are always the obvious ones. Like the time I saw "Warning; contains eggs" on a box of eggs. You also find "Aim away from face" labels on things like BB guns. Imagine how much trouble we'd save if we put them on REAL guns. Maybe that's what we need. We need to put warning labels on guns. Because, you know, people are fucking stupid. If we stopped trying to save the people who are obviously a danger to themselves we'd fix that overpopulation problem pretty quick.

    On a slightly more serious note. Guys you'll notice that Immortal Space is finally released. I was hoping I'd be able to collaborate with you on something. I prefer the idea of an interview over a guest post where I just say "Hi you guys don't know me but I'm here to sell you something." No one buys something after that. An interview though, with the inane, yet ane (that's not a word) questions you can come up with would do a lot of good. Really though I'd be open to anything you guys would be willing to do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. From what I've seen, those are both true warnings. The baby in the box thing especially (I've seen that first hand on some Tupperware I have downstairs).

      A warning label on a gun would really add to the political debate going around guns right now. "WARNING: guns don't kill people, people kill people. But if you use this gun, you as a people could kill another person."

      Delete
    2. Everybody knows you have to put some holes in it, before you store the baby in the Tupperware. Geez...

      Delete
    3. Last time I tried that the baby got out THROUGH the holes. Maybe I made them too big. This is so much work. If only they made some kind of cage, but for babies.

      Delete
  3. I don't think we'll need warning labels to not sex up the robots because, before we get working robots, we get fuck-bots. Then, those sex robots will get tired of being molested and they will turn on us. That's how the Terminators start. They leave it out of the movies but all them robots are tired of mournfully cleaning dong juice of their circuit boards. We do need that warning label preemptively! Don't stick your dangly bits into robots, people!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fuck-bots sound expensive, and we all know that if Cletus can fuck the garbage disposal for half the price, he will. Why, oh why did they have to give the garbage disposal metal breasts?

      Delete
  4. Mmmm, my brother once locked himself inside an old fridge while it was being replaced by a new one. Unfortunately (he was vile to me), we found him in time but had it been nowadays, my parents could have sued the fridge company for not putting a warning label on it, something like : "not to be used for getting rid of obnoxious brats" !

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. See, I always keep my children in Tupperwares, but really I might keep them better in the fridge, where they stay better for longer. The children in Tupperwares only seem to last about an hour.

      Delete
  5. I am once again reminded of the idiot who blew his head off because he thought it was a good idea to get drunk and light a firework off his head. Praise the lord he wasn't from Kentucky. That just seems like the kind of thing our dumb asses would do.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That seems like something someone from our small cowtown would do, too. Maybe next year. And speaking of, is that what we should expect next year for fireworks warning labels?

      "Warning: this is not a hat."

      Delete
  6. That smiley face in the baby section would make the perfect profile pic. I mean, perfect.

    Social media sites - particularly dating sites - need more disclaimers and warnings. "WARNING: Most of these people aren't who they claim to be, and the ones not using fake pictures are lying about how interesting their lives are."

    You know, just in case someone doesn't know that and accidentally gets jealous or involved with them.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "WARNING: if the person you're talking to looks like a stock photo, it's probably because they're fake. Real people have pores. And don't laugh at their salad."

      Delete
    2. A friend of mine joined a dating sight and I want to warn everyone he may come in contact with. I'm a pretty shitty friend.

      Delete
    3. Or you're a really good friend. You know, saving him from the inevitable heartbreak. Or pepper spray to the face.

      Delete
  7. that's why they need to make storage bins with air holes.

    Safety first!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think pretty much everything should come with air holes now. Bins. Boxes. Bags. Ovens. You know, just in case.

      Delete
  8. I thought the warnings on plastic bags were to keep them away from kids which I suppose is much the same. Maybe we need stickers on cars saying don't leave your kids and pets in here on a warm day.This peanut allergy business tees me off. Food is being withdrawn because it contains nuts. I love nuts so why can't I get products with nuts in because other people are too stupid not to know they can't eat them. Would putting the baby in a plastic bin which has air holes solve the problem?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Not only should they add air holes, they should also add a straw where they can get water. Kind of like a glorified hamster cage. This is why I don't have kids.

      Pretty soon peanuts are going to be outlawed, and you'll only be able to get them on the street corner from a guy covered in tattoos named Chainsaw.

      "Hey man, you want some meth with this?"
      "No, the illegal peanuts will be all, thank you."

      Delete
  9. Oh, this reminds me of that one where someone put their cat in the microwave-oven to dry. It died instead. And the owner then sued the device's company, which somehow got forced to include a "don't put cats or babies in these things" warning line in their booklets.
    I'm strictly against most of these silly warning labels though, we're already holding back natural selection enough as is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a great meme once said: "I'm not saying we should kill stupid people. I'm just saying let's remove all these warning labels and let the problem sort itself out."

      Delete
  10. The funniest warning labels in my house are on bathroom cleaning products that state they are not for personal hygiene. Makes you wonder what idiot did that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Why would I need to brush my teeth, wash my face, and put on deodorant when Scrubbin' Bubbles can do all of that for me at once?"

      Delete
  11. My favorite are the instructions on how to open packaging. I can hear a customer service call now:
    "I've had this package of bacon sitting here for a month and I can't figure out how to open it!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Especially if it just involves opening it with scissors. I don't need instructions on how to rip something open with scissors. "Cut until thing falls out" seems pretty straight forward.

      Delete
  12. Also the label on a hair dryer that read:
    "Do not use in bathtub."
    You know THAT person is voting for Donald Trump.
    If they're still alive, that is.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe that's some consolation - all of the idiots pining for Donald Trump will be dead come election time due to natural selection, and he gets zero votes.

      A guy can dream.

      Delete
  13. This sentence is a golden example of your brilliance: "The laws of Natural Selection have backfired, and if you're stupid enough to be weeded from the gene pool but somehow manage to survive your own idiocy, you're going to be one rich son-of-a-bitch thanks to a lawsuit." Applause!

    I just bought these Dollar Store little decorative candle lights (for a party). They contain a warning label about not being for children or for setting real fires. Like, what's a kid gonna do, become an arsonist by setting his hometown on fire, inspired by a little candle bulb? Everything that lights up is probable cause for California's wildfires?? Oy gevalt. There's no cure for stupid. I'm in favor of zero population growth.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe we need to bring Smokey the Bear into this. "Children, only you can prevent candle light fires."

      And you laugh at that warning, but don't you remember the Great Candle Light Fire of 1912? God, we lost SO many lives that day.

      Delete
  14. I am totally amazed that there are no warning labels on guns, but they do often help eliminate incompetent users. Unfortunately, there are some innocent bystanders now and then. Here at the workplace we have 5 gallon buckets of thick drywall mud that has a warning of a baby falling headfirst into it. I am sure it is usually ignored as most people would welcome help from any age group when mudding drywall.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ugh, I hate when I'm mixing drywall and a baby just falls in. You know, blame the buckets all you want to, but I believe the babies are equally responsible.

      Delete
  15. I saw on a superman cape once, "will not let you fly. Do not jump off of tall buildings to fly." So some idiot obviously thought it would, very very sad. People are becoming more stupid as we go on, some need to be spayed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But what about jumping off of SHORT buildings? Quick, someone strap on that cape, jump off a short building, and break your leg! You'll be RICH!

      It didn't say you shouldn't!!

      Delete
  16. B&B:
    R-O-F-L-M-A-O...!
    I was talking to Wifey about this topic last week, and every time we come across something ELSE that has some ridiculous warning on it, we have to bust a gut over it.
    I posted a long time back about it...
    Being a gun-owner, you learn to KNOW things regarding SAFETY...and with GOOD reason:
    The "instruction manual" SAYS AS MUCH!
    Example, in my one manual there are PAGES of warnings ...literally.
    More of them than steps on disassembly OF the weapon, in fact.
    (excerpts from a Taurus manual):
    ---DANGER - This product is not intended for use by criminals, for use in the commission of a crimes, or for any other wrongful purpose.
    (well, now THAT explains everything...we can solve ALL gun-crimes now - read a manual)
    ---(at the bottom of every page in red): Always keep the muzzle pointed in a safe direction and finger off the trigger.
    (that makes hitting a target quite problematic)
    ---A firearm is a machine, with NO judgment of it's own. It responds to your actions, whether wise or foolish.
    (tell THAT to the gun-control freaks)

    So, you see, it is definitely everywhere.
    Wonder how may pages of warnings are in a new CAR owner's manual?
    (might look like a Manhattan phone directory...lol)

    Excellent post.

    Stay safe out there, guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The warnings in a car manual are hilarious. It has some pretty great ones about not crawling underneath the car after you jack it up, and has a cartoon illustration of the car falling on the guy. Oh, and most cars now have a warning like this on the sun visor with the tilted over car that warns you not to turn too fast.

      Delete
  17. The warnings on the peanut butter jars really get me. Even my yogurt warns me it contains milk products. Well, duh. And at least I've been told by the warning labels not to use my hair dryer in the shower or bathtub.
    Susan Says

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My pasta warns me that it may contain wheat. Which is great, because I never would have guessed.

      And when else are you supposed to use your hair dryer, toaster, and curling iron, if not while immersed in water?

      Delete
  18. Replies
    1. I assure you, I am NOT that good at Photoshop.

      Delete
  19. I thought you were making up a few of these warning labels until I saw the proof in the pictures you posted as confirmation. Fortunately, I haven't seen any warning labels that trump the ones you found. If I had, I might have suffered a rage-induced heart attack. (Warning: Warning label may cause frothing of the mouth and possible seizure)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With a lot of these warning labels, you have to see them to believe them. And I'm glad to hear we're not the only ones that go into violent, rage-induced seizures. Last time I watched a commercial for a Kardashian reality show my heart almost exploded inside my chest.

      Delete
  20. You know it occurs to me there should be a warning label on a lightsaber. Imagine turning one of those things on - holding it the wrong way around.... Its a good thing we've got stun settings in Star Trek.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And don't forget cauterizing. You'd have to warn against people trying to become surgeons with that one. "Warning: do not attempt to cauterize open wounds with a lightsaber. Leave that to a trained, licensed lightsaber professional."

      Delete
  21. This blog post cannot be used as a flotation device and it may contain gratuitous peanuts.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This comment should not be read while underwater and may be unsuitable for children under the age of 6.

      Delete
  22. I love when they say something "may" contain wheat or nuts or whatever. It's like, don't you know!? Didn't you make it?

    My favorite warning label was on those old cardboard windshield shades. Remember the ones that had a picture of a giant pair of cartoon sunglasses on them? They had a warning label that said not to drive with it in place. Yeah.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what I always loved about those things? That they had the side to reflect the sun, and the side for emergencies - "NEED ASSISTANCE PLEASE CALL POLICE." But what invariably happened is that people would leave it that way all the time, so no one took them seriously any more.

      I wonder how many real emergencies were ignored because of that.

      "WHY IS NO ONE CALLING THE POLICE?"

      Delete
  23. You know, I kinda wish they'd just take all the labels off and deny lawsuits for death by stupidity. Weed out the idiots, I guess.

    I've seen some particularly weird ones, but can't think of any right now. The one that cracks me up the most is the "Warning, hot coffee is hot" ones. Because.. duh!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The world would definitely be a better place if we weeded out the idiots, but instead, we're helping them survive. We're becoming a real life Idiocracy.

      And I hate when I drink my hot coffee and it burns my mouth because it's hot. It's like, why didn't anyone tell me this? Anyway, I'm gonna go touch my stove now. It's been running for a while and it looks pretty.

      Delete
    2. That makes me want to weep. The world my kiddo has to grow up in :(

      I have no wit today. Gold star sticker for you :p

      Delete
    3. Joke's on you. I'm going to eat that gold star sticker and choke to death.

      This is why I'm NOT bringing a child into this world.

      Delete
    4. HAHA... people have choked on less! At least you'd die with a little gold inside.

      Good for you! And good luck with that! :) (it's exactly what I said, but things change)

      Delete

  24. Definitely a very timely post. I have a brilliant idea; why not leave the warning labels off EVERYTHING. Outlaw lawsuits and then...TA DA, in one felled swoop we rid the world of parasites and idiots. Naw, that would be too simple.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For some reason, we have to have sympathy for stupid people. If someone jumps off a building with a plastic Superman cape on his back expecting to fly, we have to feel sad. We can't laugh hysterically and ask for a replay.

      Delete
  25. I have a different view on these things...for example, lawn mowers have a warning label that tells you not to put your hands or feet under the mover while it is running.

    My thoery is, if someone old enough to read does not inherently know that they do not want to put their hands or feet or other appendages into a small enclosed space with sharp blades rotating at high speed...

    , maybe we want said individual out of the frickin' gene pool!

    Larry

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I gave up on the gene pool a long time ago. Being on the above average end isn't even anything to brag about, either. No, the worst thing about stupid people is that they THINK they're smart. I mean, Cletus just chopped his hand off by holding the chainsaw the wrong way, but WE'RE the real idiots!

      Delete
    2. What's even worse? Stupid people are having more offspring than the rest of the herd.

      It's goona get worse...

      Delete
    3. Each year Idiocracy slowly goes from "satire" to "biography".

      Delete
  26. My favorite are the "contents are hot" warnings on coffee.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Let's not forget the verbal warning from servers at a restaurant: "Careful, this is hot."

      Hot food is hot. Hot drink is hot. I mean, I know there's SOME kind of pattern and correlation here, but it's just not jumping out at me.

      Delete
  27. For the last several years my egg cartons have contained the Allergen warning that it may contain eggs. May? damn well better.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm deathly allergic to eggs but this package of eggs that I have doesn't say if it may or may not contain eggs. Should I eat it?

      Delete
  28. I just wasted a considerable amount of time (So what's new?) looking for one of my old posts. It's there somewhere, but I gave up on finding it for now. Anyhow, the post was about an annual award for the most ridiculous warning labels. Believe me, there were LOTS of contenders.

    One of my favorites wasn't in that post, though. It's a warning written on claymore mines. You know, the ones the military uses to blows stuff up? On each mine, it says, "This end toward enemy." And... "Do not eat." (I mean, I know military chow leaves something to be desired, but...)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I tried searching for it too (more time wasted!) and can't find anything. Which is a damn shame, because I'd love to see that post.

      Also, I wonder at what point a soldier is so delusional that a claymore mine starts to look like a delicious ice cream sandwich?

      Delete
  29. I'm waiting on the warning on cheese slices: Warning: Consuming wrapper may constitute choking hazard. Be sure to melt with cheese thoroughly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The kind of people that scoff at your comment probably don't realize that there's more plastic in Kraft singles than there is in the actual wrapper.

      Delete
  30. Isn't there a "do not iron clothes while wearing" one that comes with most irons? I like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's a little known fact that you can actually iron on your own abs. Yep, that's right, after you melt away the skin and the fat there's nothing but muscle, baby.

      Delete
  31. I have to laugh as the other day I was eating something and it said warning "do not eat the wrapper" as it could cause choking. Wow, do we really need to be told not to eat the wrapper. A timely message on warnings...haha..gee what happened to common sense?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Interesting. See, this protein bar I'm eating doesn't have any warnings like that on the wrapper. So now I assume I should probably eat it. This crinkly plastic sounds delicious.

      Delete
  32. I heard that a person bought a camper van and was driving it down the highway. He decided he wanted a coffee, co he flicked on the cruise control and went into the kitchen to make one. After the resulting crash, the company that made the van had to put a warning in future manuals not to leave the wheel while it's on cruise control.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Rookie mistake. He was looking for the Auto Pilot button, which is just to the right of E-mail and slightly above Bacon.

      These new cars are hard to figure out sometimes, you know.

      Delete
  33. You know, the sad thing is that Billy Bubba from redneck town everywhere, probably did place a screwdriver up his penis hole. Why can't we place labels on stupid people and have a "Do Not Enter" on all stupid women who feel it is their right to eat twinkies, go to Wal-Mart in the black Whale-tards and crop top and churn out a kid every other year so they can collect more baby Bonus. Oops I sound a little judgemental....Oh well.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TAryFIuRxmQ

      ^ This.

      If you haven't watched the movie Idiocracy, you should. Sadly, that's where the future is headed.

      Delete

  34. >>... What's the dumbest warning label you've ever seen?

    "Please drink responsibly."

    Huh!-Huh!-Huh! :-)
    Yeah, like I'm ever gonna fall for THAT one!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Party Animal'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Do not operate heavy machinery after consuming."

      Hey, I've got no choice but to operate these guns at all times.

      Delete
  35. "Warning: Superman costume will not enable you to fly."

    Also, speaking of stupid people, my mom and I had a neighbor once. He was already an idiot but his daughter, Lord help her, must have been brain dead. She was diagnosed with diabetes. When her doctor moved, she stopped taking her medication and landed herself in the ICU. Why? "Well, when my doctor moved to Florida, I thought he took the diabetes with him!"

    I cannot make this shit up. You can ask my mother.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A Superman costume can't make you fly, but Red Bull can give you wings. Why has no one tried chugging some and jumping off a building?

      Also, bravo. That is officially the dumbest thing I've ever read. I once overheard a guy say, "Yeah, totally made sure to use a condom with that chick last night so I didn't catch her diabetes" but this absolutely takes the cake. The sugary, diabetic cake.

      Delete
  36. Darwin Awards -gene pool realignment 😀

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I went to the auto shop and unfortunately it turns out they can't realign my gene pool because my brakes are warped.

      Delete
  37. Darwin Awards -gene pool realignment 😀

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I wish stupid people could opt to have that as a surgery: "I'm having gene pool reassignment - deep down, I believe I'm smart, but I'm trapped in this stupid body."

      Delete
  38. Do not swallow...on a bottle of formaldehyde. Have you ever smelled formaldehyde?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have not, but I'm willing to bet it doesn't smell like candy.

      Delete
  39. We are headed for total chaos. The morons are piling up and the smart people aren't having kids.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As two reasonably smart guys that do not have children...yeah, sadly, we can confirm that.

      Delete
  40. If someone is stupid enough to shove a screw driver up their penis, they deserve to be castrated. Do you think such a stupid person has the intelligence to even read the label? Unbelievable!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I would imagine they'd still do it anyway, but with the warning label in place, they can't sue and be awarded millions of dollars for their idiocy.

      Delete
  41. I can actually understand why that warning label was put on that screw driver set. There are things called sounding devices *Go Google it, you know you want to* and I have a feeling that some poor mook that didn't have the moolah for such a device decided that the screw driver looked to be about the right size and he'd save some money and just use that.

    I think the worst warning label I've seen is on a curing iron..it says, "For external use only." Now which one of you sick f*cks made that warning label necessary? lol

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Having just Googled that, I'd like to ask just one simple question. Ahem.

      OMG WHY THE FUCK WOULD ANYONE DO THAT, AND WHY IS IT CALLED SOUNDING IT HAS NOTHING TO DO WITH SOUND AT ALL IT'S JUST MUTILATING YOUR PEE-HOLE WHAT THE FUUUUCK?

      That is all. :)

      Delete
    2. Bwahahaha, I knew you would. Happy nightmares. LOL

      Because they tried all the other kinky stuff out there and thought to themselves...hey, I wonder what it would feel like to stick something in THERE!

      Delete
  42. The dumbest warning label I've ever seen? Do not push anyone in this washing-machine. No kidding...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But you can escort them inside gently, right?

      Delete
  43. Usually on a can of mixed nuts: this was made in a factory that also came in contact with peanuts, milk, eggs, soy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The factory came in contact with it? Are they located out in the middle of a food fight?

      Delete
  44. The origin of stupidity! Good fucking question.

    The dumbest label I have ever seen was also the scariest. It said something like "do not put genitals in contact with drill." Because. Someone. Fucking. Did. That.

    And probably sued.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, maybe it was just a really fuckable drill.

      Delete
  45. And! I saw a notice on an iced coffee that said, "This beverage is very cold."

    Well I fucking hope so.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But coffee is hot. How can it also be very cold? Be this witchcraft?

      Delete
  46. Very funny post, and yet so sad. Unfortunately, our country threw away the accountability/ownership law.

    I took a business law class, and it had a bunch of cases in there regarding stupid people. One was about two drunk guys. They got home from the bar, decided to cut the grass, and then wanted to cut the hedges. The picked up the lawnmower and lost their fingers. That's why there is a label on the top of the lawnmower that states "Keep hands and feet away."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, an actual story of the first case! That's awesome!

      And you know what I love? That it was TWO guys. At no point did one of them think to say, "Hey, you probably shouldn't be touching those blades."

      Delete
  47. Did you ever see the movie Idiocracy? It was a stupid movie, but also kind of terrifying because that is definitely where the human race is headed.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sure have. I don't know if I'd call it "stupid", though, so much as "hauntingly accurate".

      Delete
  48. Darwinism exists for a reason. Why do we insist on foiling it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Because every life is precious. Every stupid, moronic, "I should probably put this fork in a light socket while sitting in the tub" life...

      Delete
  49. As a guy who practices consumer protection law, I should probably get up on my high horse and say something lofty and principled about the need to inform consumers of esoteric risks, etc. etc. res ipsa loquiter magna carta c'est la vie.

    But I won't. There are legitimate things that people need warning and information and education about, and there are dumb things.

    Consider the 5-gallon bucket warning label. The Consumer Product Safety Commission proposed, and then withdrew, a rule that would require warning labels on 5-gallon industrial buckets because 112 children had drowned in them. The buckets, the CPSC said, were sturdy enough to not tip over when little kids leaned over them and would topple in headfirst.

    In the comment withdrawing the proposed rule, the CPSC said that of the 112 incidents, 91 involved a caregiver in the other room from a child.

    I'm not saying that parents can never leave a child alone in a room. But the caregivers left the children alone in a room with a bucket of water. This isn't really a product-safety thing; it is a parental education and ability thing. Tired parents, uneducated parents, parents without any help, etc. make mistakes like this that compound the usual problems of childhood.

    The key is not just to make products safer (think how foolproof your car is, or how a refrigerator was engineered to be able to have the door pushed open by a three-year-old because so many kids were getting trapped inside of fridges that latched shut) but to make people's lives better. Under what circumstances would a parent leave a little kid alone in a room with a bucket long enough to drown? Most people say 'negligence.' I say 'parent who probably worked 14 hours and had just finished mopping up the floor before getting distracted by a phone call or bill collector or possibly saying 'I'm just going to sit down for a minute to rest before finishing up' and dozing off."

    A lawyer friend of mine commented once on the difference between negligent parents and parents like me and her. "The difference is that we can afford to get a babysitter once in a while or take the kids to a McDonald's playland in the winter and haven't worked 17 of the last 24 hours," she said.

    She's probably right.

    Anyway, you're right about the warning labels, mostly. What we need is a label that could be slapped on the US Capitol, the Washington Monument, Mount Rushmore, the Constitution, and every American Flag: "Warning: This society may be hazardous to nearly everybody who is not the 1%."

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    1. Great comment, sir!

      A case like that is sad. No way around it. If a kid's small enough to fall in a bucket and drown, they probably don't know any better. I get that. If a parent is exhausted, though, I just don't see them noticing "WARNING: CHILD CAN DROWN" on the side and taking extra care to empty that bucket or make sure their kid isn't alone with it. That's the other part of warning labels; when every single thing you own has a warning label - your food, your furniture, your kids' toys - at what point do you just start tuning them out?

      Sadly, as you said, the best solution is probably just baby-proofing/idiot-proofing things. And if we can idiot-proof a 4,000 lb sedan or a 6 foot tall refrigerator then I'd like to think we can idiot-proof a bucket. Or a tupperware. But not a bag of peanuts. That one's kind of here to stay.

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  50. This whole bit is funny, but the part that pertains to this blog post begins at the 1:50 minute mark.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZBjelRDKHUk

    This is some hilarious stuffs. Warning Labels. Egads.

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    1. Wow. That was hilarious. And kinda sad for humanity.

      "Do not insert this curling iron into any orifice."

      This is why we can't have nice things.

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  51. Hm, so many stupid warning labels, so little brain power right now. How about the "may make you drowsy" warning on sleeping pills? I mean, here's hoping, right?

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    1. Or to go along with that, "Do not operate heavy machinery."

      Because some idiot said, "I'm going to pop 4 sleeping pills and then drive a forklift."

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  52. It's like the old woman who put her dog in the microwave to dry and then sues the microwave company because she holds them responsible for the death of her dog. Not sure if that's an urban myth or not ;-)

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    1. Oh no, that's happened before. I know of at least one time I saw that in the news because some stupid woman microwaved her cat.

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  53. Hm. I'm must have missed this one when I was out of town. All I do know is that you are most definitely right. Next thing we know, warning labels won't be enough, and everyone will have to take a 3 hour safety course before they're allowed to buy coat hangers.

    "Now remember that this coat hanger should NEVER be used for frontal lobotomies. Such procedures should only be performed by a trained medical professional..."

    "These hangers should also NEVER be used for body piercings. Make sure you go to a trained piercing professional. Like that teenager at the mall that has had at least an hour's worth of training with that piercing gun..."

    Seriously, if it was up to me, we'd remove all the warning labels and natural selection would once again reign supreme.

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    1. But can I use one for scratching that itch I have deep inside my nose, right near the frontal lobe of my brain? And can I use it to air dry my baby? My last one died tumbling around the dryer. God, if only there was a big book that told me all the things I CAN'T do so I was never confused again.

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  54. Cigarettes should have a warning label that states you should not try to blow smoke out your ears.
    It hurts like hell.
    Ahhh...to be young and dumb(er) again!

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    1. Better than blowing smoke out of your ass, I suppose. [im]http://www.picgifs.com/smileys/smileys-and-emoticons/beer/smileys-beer-817053.gif[/im]

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