Monday, July 6, 2015

ABFTS: Let Your Shame Just Swirl Down The Drain

Once upon a time ago you guys asked us a ton of questions. Every other week(ish) we've made an attempt at answering them. Well, we've finally made it down to the last bunch of questions, so let's get down to bidness.

Sherry Ellis: How did you come up with the name, "A Beer for the Shower"?

The name was born after we received a giant dickpunch from the universe. See, we had a "big deal" from a major publishing house for our first novel...but it fell through before we actually got a contract. Brandon, living in his ant-infested rathole apartment in Chicago, glumly took a beer with him into the shower to wash away the shame. And voila, a blog name was born.



Showering with a beer is scientifically proven™ to wash away shame. And also a little bit of pee, depending on how long you've been in there drinking.

Mark Strong: What are your thoughts on meeting fans/readers for beers? Say someone who may be attending the GABF (Great American Beer Festival) in Denver.

We've always wanted to meet a fan/fellow blogger. Let's make this happen. Not just you - anyone reading that's in the area. Not only do you get to drink with 2 D-list Internet funnymen, but you'll probably get made into a cartoon. What's there to lose, if only your dignity?

Mark Strong: Have you ever found yourselves writing something you never intended to write?

Bryan: Is anything we write ever truly intended? I feel like the majority of our novel ideas start out with one of us suddenly going "Holy shit!" and then unloading some bizarre, insane idea that just came to us on the spot.
Brandon: Eulogies. Something you never expect when you wear the 'writer' badge is everybody wants you to write a sendoff. Also, as a sidenote, Bryan probably never intended to write my entire wedding ceremony (including spoken-word, slam-poetry epicness), but he rocked the hell out of that thing.
Bryan: I intended to rock... and that's all that ever matters.

Bob G.: What TV shows do you two HAVE to watch (and why), even if you accidentally cut your femoral artery?

Brandon: I love the new Netflix Daredevil series, Louie, and True Detective. I like Maron a lot too, on IFC. If The Twilight Zone or a bigfoot documentary is on those'll probably get watched too, otherwise I don't watch a whole lot of tube.
Bryan: He and I both watch most of the same shows, so... what he said. Also, Game of Thrones because violence and bewbs.

What's your BIGGEST gripe with society (in general)?

Brandon: In a nutshell, people are losing patience. It is being swallowed up by the instant gratification of one-click response times and the growing divide of interpersonal communication. The closer we as a world get, the further apart we become. The fallout is endless.
Bryan: And that impatience really overflows into everyday life. People get mad at you for taking an extra 10 seconds in line at the grocery store. People get annoyed at minor inconveniences like a restaurant being too busy and they take it out dickishly on their server. Or, you know, people get mad at you on the highway for making a simple mistake and then pull a gun on you.

Ruth: What do you think of nature versus nurture?

Brandon: It's a tightrope act that is vastly off-balance, despite the belief of the acrobat. Nurture is very important, but nature cannot be overcome. 
Bryan: I'm definitely Team Nature. Not only am I against coddling, but I was raised via nature. Literally, my parents left me in a forest where I was raised by wild bears. And let me tell you, theirs was a scary world.





They taught me right from wrong, they taught me how to be polite, and they taught me how to do my taxes so that I could always maximize my return. You know, just the bear necessities.

And to this day I still use the life skills they taught me, like how to hunt and forage for food.







Nature is hell, but ultimately, it's the circle of life. Man eats the candy bar. Man dies, and his body becomes the grass. Then the candy bar eats the grass, and the circle continues. Or something like that.

Birgit: Which film made the first impression on you? Who is your favourite actor/actress? Which era is your favourite?

Brandon: Parasite 3D. I think it was made in the 70's. It was also godawful. However, it scared the shit out of me when I was about seven or eight. And I loved it. After that I watched John Carpenter's The Thing, and was pretty well hooked on the horror genre.
Bryan: Probably Edward Scissorhands. It was dark, it was weird as hell, and yet somehow it worked. Sure, it never answered my question of "how did he use the bathroom without eviscerating himself?", but that was part of the mystery. I don't really have a favorite actor/actress. And if I had to pick a favorite era, I'd probably say Paleozoic. Ah, such simpler times.

Morgan: See, at first, I'm wanting to dig deep down and ask something heavy like what's the worst fight you two have ever had?

Bryan: A better question is "What's any fight you two have ever had?" And the answer to that would be not applicable. We have never had a fight. Ever. And honestly, it's not that hard to stay that way. We're both level headed, we're willing to compromise, and when it comes to making a mistake, well, we might as well be two Canadians trying to accept blame.







But then I want to know stuff like "Have you ever wanted to date the same girl? And if so, who got her? Was the purple haired beauty involved?"

Bryan: Any friend that wants to fight you for your girl isn't a real friend. I've never seen anyone that Brandon dated and thought, "I should probably steal her from him, like she is property that can be easily taken. Also, fuck Brandon."
Brandon: If we ever wanted to date the same girl, it would probably have been someone far out of our league. Like Rachel McAdams, or Marie Curie.

And THEN this is the ultimate mystery… do you guys have a system with who does what? I always want to know who I'm talking to. Say, is Bryan really the funny one, but Brandon does all the tedious bloggy work, cuz he's too shy to participate on social media? ;-) Or vice versa? Or are you equal/equal in the humor/commenting/twitter department?

Bryan: There's no such thing as "the funny one" or "the outgoing one" or "the handsome one" because we share all responsibilities in this blog. Including handsomeness.
Brandon: Especially handsomeness.
Bryan: Precisely. And if anything, we enjoy seeing if people can figure out who's saying what. This whole co-blogging thing would be boring as hell if one of us was a shy recluse with the sense of humor of a potato.

G.B. Miller: How in the world did you guys first hook up (nudge, nudge, wink, wink)?

We met up in Catholic school, so if you're looking for a good gay joke, you'd be hard pressed to find a better setup. We weren't altar boys, though. Or sexy enough to get molested by the priest. I guess we were ugly ducklings.

Vanessa Morgan: What is your favorite Belgian beer?

Bryan: I haven't had a lot of Belgian beer (I've had plenty of Belgian-style beer), but I do enjoy a good Leffe Brune...which I'm sure is swill compared to the good stuff you have access to.
Brandon: Locally, Avery brewing makes a trio of religiously-themed Belgians called The Holy Trinity, and they're awesome. Anything by Unibroue is also good. But for real, authentic Belgian, I'm a big fan of Kwak.

Jacqueline: Velveeta or Cheez-Whiz?

Bryan: I don't like to eat neon yellow plastic, so neither. I'm kind of a cooking fiend (my best dish is my black truffle mac and cheese) and by extension a cheese whore. Start a nice roux, melt in some creamy goat cheese, top with something a little stronger like parmesan or a nice smoked gruyere. Yeah, it sounds pretentious as shit, but it's great. Velveeta can be used for a ton of things - play doh, plumbing sealant, craft glue. Unfortunately, "food" is not one of them.
Brandon: You can't have an authentic Philly Cheese-Steak without the Whiz.

What is the kindest and/or most generous thing someone has done for you?

Bryan: My mother let me live, which was pretty generous of her. I'm sure she also regrets it now. This probably sounds shitty, but no one's ever really done anything truly kind or selfless for me outside of those who are already close to me, and that's fine. I'd rather be the one doing something kind, anyway.
Brandon: Every time an airline pilot successfully brings me back to the ground without a fiery ball of flaming fire, I pretty much feel like the luckiest man on earth.

You've been selected to start a new charity; what would it be, and why?

Bryan: The "Save the Humans" fund, because saving humans is important. And I'm not just the president, I'm a human, too.
Brandon: The "Billionaires Giving Away Their Riches Fund", because let's face it, the world would be a better place if that money was redistributed to people who actually needed it rather than some shithead offspring who will piss it away in the next generation or two.

Truedessa: Have you ever had a dream experience that has lead you to an idea for a post? Would you be willing to share that dream?

Neither of us are the types to get brilliant, poignant dreams that lead us to post ideas or novel ideas. We both dream about stupid, inane things. And trust us both when we say you would not want to see those appear as posts.



Janie Junebug: The two of you have indicated you like me. Why? What in the hell is wrong with you?

Everything? You like the written word as much as we do, you say what you mean (so when you compliment us we know it's genuine) and best of all, you don't give a fuck. We love that quality in people.

Mary: What is the best/worst practical joke you have played on someone or someone has played on you?

The greatest practical joke we've ever played is convincing all of you suckers that we're actually two people. When really, we're just a horse in a "two humans" costume.

horse in a human costume

And no one suspects a damn thing.

Cheers and stay classy, suckers,
B&B

Music: The Runaway Club
Beer: Great Basin Chilebeso


115 comments:

  1. If the plane lands without blowing up, I feel really damn lucky as well.
    And just how does Edward go to the bathroom? Wait, I don't want to know...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My favorite part of flying is when something really weird happens - the plane starts shaking, some strange noise appears, the wing falls off, etc - and the attendant just waves a hand and says, "Oh, that's normal."

      As for Edwardo, I figure he can cut off his pants and just free-ball it, but after that, he's going to be walking around half-naked. So... beats me.

      Delete
  2. You're right about the patience thing. I almost set fire to a person when she pulled out a checkbook at the grocery store. Even though, what did it cost me, like two minutes? Still, screw that lady and her stupid checkbook. Immolation is the proper response to people who bust out checkbooks at the grocery store. What do you mean, I missed the point?
    Excellent bear drawing, by the way.
    Speaking of "Billionaires Giving Away Their Riches Fund", did you see the Saudi prince who's giving away 32 Billion!?! It always makes me happy when billionaires give away the majority of their fortune then pressure other billionaires to do the same.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I almost set fire to a woman checking out at the grocery store when she started haggling with the cashier. She clearly wasn't from America, and clearly didn't understand that 16 year old Devin was not the one who set the price of her cold cuts. Nor did he really give a shit if she bought them or not.

      Had not heard of the Saudi prince giving away $32 billion, but now I eagerly await the headlines of some awful news site asking, "But what's $32 billion REALLY going to achieve?"

      Delete
  3. That;s why I don't like taking my wife anywhere. Too damn impatient. Of course it does have its perks...like in the bedroom. Giggity!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't see how impatience in the bedroom is a good thing...

      "You didn't finish yet? I'm giving you 2 more minutes and then I'm getting on my phone to play Candy Crush."

      Delete
  4. "the bear necessities"
    Oh puh-lease. The skeleton in the chocolate bar's carcass more than makes up for that, but hot damn did I groan. (It was a good groan though. Kind of like a... moan?)
    As great as the double-human horse one is, I'd like an honest answer to that question. Surely you've pulled some neat pranks in your lifetimes?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now that I'm getting older, I live for those groans. I'm like a dad that loves making dad jokes... minus the whole 'dad' thing.

      The reason we gave that answer wasn't because we're jackasses (well, partly it is) but because we're not really pranksters. Our answer would have been a sad, disappointing excuse for not playing practical jokes on others... which we wanted to avoid, and now we kinda ended up doing anyway.

      Delete
  5. Well, you've certainly got Canadians down pat. And I love the hot dog dream! But jeez, do you have to be wearing CROCS in it?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's how you know it was a nightmare and not just a regular dream.

      Delete
  6. I remember in Edward Scissorhands when that older lady tried to seduce Edward. Even when Johnny Depp looks like he's spent his whole life indoors and with scary replacements for hands, he still gets the women.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, right? Some women just really want to be scissored.

      Delete
  7. So does that mean the horse and the retarded goat mate? Hmm, that might fall into the dream category that no one wants to know.

    People are rather pathetic these days with patience, need it now. Now if some slow poke gets in front of me going 30 in a 50, then I'll get impatient.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, thanks for ruining the surprise that we were really Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat's children all along. No, wait, that's a terrible idea. Never mind.

      Neither of us are immune to impatience, it's just about what sets you off. And how you handle it. Slow pokes can annoy me too but I won't react by running them off the road, setting their car on fire, and then pushing their children down into a swampy ditch. Seems a BIT much.

      Delete
  8. I thought you had jumped the shark with the quesitons thing, but Conspiracy Bear and the horse in a people costume are keepers.

    Seriously. Keep Conspiracy Bear. So much better than a stupid goat. I'd vote for that bear!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fuck yeah! Going out on a high note! Still got it!

      (Seriously though, so glad we can stop answering these damn questions)

      And you bet your ass Conspiracy Bear will be back. I've always wanted to draw a 600 lb grizzly bear with a tin foil hat. The truth is out there...

      Delete
  9. I'm probably the least patient person I know. Its gotten me in some terrible situations, but I can't seem to change.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it all depends on how you handle that impatience. Take the woman who whips out a checkbook at the grocery store checkout. If you sigh, grumble under your breath, and get annoyed, that's one thing. But if you slap the checkbook out of her hand, push her purchases to the ground, stomp them with your feet into mush, and then scream "THIS IS WHY YOU CAN'T HAVE NICE THINGS" then you may have a problem.

      Delete
  10. Did the bears also teach you how to write? I imagine they are beautifully creative beings. You can't be horses though because bears would eat horses. Especially two horses. Unless your costume was really well made. Interesting to know you guys do actually drink in the shower. You'll be pleased (possibly) to know I've heard other people talking about it. It's an actual thing people do now. I'm not saying you started the trend, but you can claim you did at least. Should I ever find myself in your part of the colonies I'd love to go for a drink You can laugh at my poor taste in alcohol and I can laugh as you pass out and I steal your wallets.

    Wait forget that last bit.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They taught us prose and how to avoid the passive voice. Also, how to eat a Labrador with your bear hands. It's good to be well rounded.

      Your mistake, of course, is thinking you can out-drink us. I mean, look at us - we drink so much we even drink in the shower. For reals. Bring it on!

      Delete
    2. TRUE: My buddies and I were drinking beer in the shower back in 1982. Of course, I don't mean we were doing it AT THE SAME TIME! We may have shared a six-pack, but we NEVER shared the shower.

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  11. The bear may be on to something. Maybe not a correct something. But something.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At no point did I say the bear was wrong...

      Delete
  12. God, how many times must you have heard, "does a bear shit in the woods"? My Dad used to say that all the time! Maybe we are kin?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And the answer, of course, is no - they use the toilet like everyone else. Only redneck bears shit out in the woods like the uncultured swines that they are.

      Delete
  13. That picture of the bear is one of my favourite things ever.

    Brandon I think you're the only other person I know of who got hooked on horror at such a young age. For me it was Hellraiser (my cousin thought she'd be mean and made me watch it with the intention of scaring the crap out of poor little eight-year-old Mich. Her plan backfired horribly).

    Belgian beer is phenomenal. Y'all should try these:
    http://www.beeradvocate.com/beer/profile/207/645/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, I don't think I've ever seen a beer with a solid 100 score all across the board like that. Will definitely have to track that one down.

      We actually both got into horror at a young age. For Bryan it was books. He was the only kid in 3rd grade reading Stephen King, and needless to say, he got a lot of funny looks. Just not from Brandon.

      Delete
  14. Best answers yet! I laughed out loud and earned a stare from my dogs at that last cartoon. Have a great week!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hope that isn't slang for hot dogs, because those shouldn't be staring at you. If they start talking and walking around in Crocs, seek help immediately.

      Delete
  15. It's always fun and interesting to learn more about you guys. There's too much good stuff in here to comment on, and you are both handsome. I'm now wondering how you decide who gets to be the horse's ass, or do you take turns?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's not just something you decide. It's something you feel deep in your heart. Or I guess butt. And let me tell you, I always feel like a horse's ass.

      Delete
    2. I understand the feeling. I pictured you two each offering, out of self-sacrificial sentiment, to be the horse's ass. And your offer won out this time, with a promise to Brandon that he could be the ass tomorrow. But I guess that wasn't the case.

      Delete
  16. Aww, c'mon, you guys are way too modest. D-list? You are at least C-list Internet funnymen.

    Naw, seriously, this was funny!

    Ironically, late last night, while trying to fall asleep, it occurred to me that you had not included any images of beer cans or bottles in blog bits lately. I made a mental note to complain about this today but - voila! - I got two images in this post. And new images, too!

    Brandon has a Ballast Point 'Big Eye' in his hand, I do believe. (I think we can safely say that's NOT REALLY the beer he took into a shower which inspired this blog's title.) And later you poor Beer Boys got stuck drinking Molson. (Oh well, without 'Molson Golden' gone flat in my fridge, I might never have discovered that I liked beer. Plus, I'd have had nuttin' to gamble with. So there's that.)

    I LOVED the bear'ducation bit, and the chocolate bar stalking. (I may never eat a chocolate bar again. Never realized I was also munching skeletons. Sheesh!) Apparently, not only can jet fuel melt steel beams, but it can also melt steel beams that it never even comes into contact with (World Trade Center building # seven). Those bears need to go back to school themselves. Ha!

    So... does the horse's ass always appear as Bryan, or do you sometimes reverse the costume and share the shame "equally"?

    After all that yakking about "a nice roux, creamy goat cheese, parmesan or a nice smoked gruyere" I gotta say, that "mustard" looks like Cheez-Whiz to me! Have I caught you in a lie? If so, no worries because... I "don't give a fuck". (I'm in Janie's Club.)

    GOOD BLOG BIT, BEER BOYS!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's always good to beat you to the punch. Brandon probably had something swinely in his shower, like a Hamm's, so I thought I'd kick up the story by giving him something better (good eye! - Big Eye to be exact).

      And that dream is clearly a nightmare (I'm wearing pink Crocs, after all) so that being Cheez-Whiz would only make sense. "The cheese! It's everywhere! It's in my mouth! Not the cheese!"

      /Nicolas Cage

      Delete
    2. Ha!-Ha! I'm still trying to decide which was the most awful remake of a good movie in cinema history: 'Wicker Man' or 'Cape Fear'. (Then again, when they're THAT BAD, does it really much matter which was "worse"?)

      It's almost scary that I can identify the beer labels at such a small size. And I think my liver has something to say about that, too.

      Hamm's... yeah, that's near the bottom of the beer barrel. But you know what? The last beer I consumed was a Mickey's Big Mouth. (Sometimes it's good to go back to your roots. Sometimes it's good to remember where you came from.)

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  17. While there were certain parts of this post that i laughed out loud at (nature vs. nurture, Canadian manners) I must admit to finding one answer objectionable, having spent my first 35 years in Philadelphia and remaining something of a cheese steak snob.

    Brandon said, "You can't have an authentic Philly Cheese-Steak without the Whiz"

    We only feed the tourists "whiz" in Philly, Brandon.

    Pat's has real cheese for the natives upon request. Try one with provolone or mozzarella.

    Now for some people, substituting the processed Whiz with real cheese makes the sandwich a bit too healthful, and that is why Pat's invented cheese fries. Upon which Whiz is perfectly acceptable.

    There is a drive-up angioplasty clinic right across the street that is also open 24 hours...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As a foodie, I object to that as well. Angioplasty aside, I just find that it not only looks like plastic, it tastes like plastic, too. A Philly cheesesteak with provolone, on the other hand, sounds amazing. So amazing, in fact, that I bet I could still hit up the drive-up angioplasty clinic after, having invariably ingested my entire body weight in meat, cheese, bread, and giardiniere.

      Delete
  18. B&B:
    ROFLMAO...you two are perhaps the BEST thing to come along on the Internet in some time (aside from those too cute cat videos)...!
    Cripes, there's never a dry eye (for me) when reading your posts.

    Here's a wild idea...how about a book using JUST your cartoons...(things about life in general).
    You DEFINITELY have the "source" material to glean plenty of tales.
    And the writing would be minimal (more time for a brewski...or three).

    The fact that both of you have had such a great rapport with one another says to me that the world could use a LOT more folks like you.
    (okay, even if that doesn't make a BETTER world, it would be a HELLUVA LOT FUNNIER)

    Excellent post (as usual).

    Stay safe (and classy) out there in mile-high country.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You might not be too surprised to hear, then, that that's what our agent's been working on - selling a full-color picture book based on our blog. Mostly new stuff, of course, so our current readers aren't just left with stuff they've already read before. Fingers crossed that it works out. We'd love to have our fucked-up-edness gracing America's coffee tables.

      Delete
  19. I much prefer a glass of wine in the bathtub so I can whine away the shame of failure. Sometimes drinking enough wine to get through the whine involves the danger of drowning.
    I'm a fan of Netflix's Daredevil too. I'm not a good stand-in-line person. I get so impatient if the waiting is caused by incompetence.
    Susan Says

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There's danger in pretty much any alcohol-related watersport. I bet someone, somewhere has drowned in the shower. And I also bet that alcohol was in some way involved.

      Annnnd there you go. Freshman drowns in shower

      Delete
  20. I thought having a beer in the shower was a universal thing. Used to live in a snake pit with a few roommates, and we'd stack up empty beers in the corner of the shower. Whoever knocked them over would have to throw them out.

    Also, I have a t-shirt that says "Save The Humans". I don't think the funds went toward saving humans, though.

    Anyway, congrats on answering all the questions! I now know way more about you guys than I do about... myself. *Cue 'The Sound of Silence' and zoom shot of face*

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I just realized that by comparison we know absolutely nothing about you. I've never felt so vulnerable. And afraid. And... a little turned on? (Let's save that psychological analysis for the NEXT Q&A session...)

      Delete
  21. Nom, nom… that was a great post! :)

    Loved Edward Scissorhands - man could he work a set of sheers!
    (PS - I don’t think he peed. He never ate… so it stands to reason he had no need to do the #1 and #2 bit. Yup, it plagued me too!)

    Re the “met up in Catholic school” bit - I’d be calling you lucky ducklings.

    Laughed over the Velveeta or Cheez-Whiz question. Man, you guy are different - I knew there was a chink in your shiny armour and “the cheese” is it!

    Do we really need a “Save the Humans” fund? How about you regroup and start the “Save Useful Humans” fund - you know, those of us that actually contribute to the planet, not suck it dry. This would then leave a few hundred good folks to do the dirty deed of repopulating the planet. Ah… nothing like an authentic Philly Cheese-Steak after a bout of procreating. I’m in!!!

    Okay, that whole hot dog thing is sending me right to therapy - damn, and I love a good roasted weeny… now look what you’ve done! You’ve mustarded it for me! Geez… where’s the cheez!

    What a great finale… loved, loved, loved all the questions you Beer Boys were hit with. Most of all… I loved your answers, so honest, so heartfelt, so real… brought tears to my eyes. (Okay, tears from laughing my ass off - so there!)

    Cheers, Jenny @Pearson Report

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My cohort likes fancy cheese, too. He just wanted to give a smartass answer. Which I think earns him a proper spot in the "Save The Useful Humans" fund.

      So what happens to the not useful humans? Blast them into the sun with a cannon? After all, if you're too stupid to realize that you can't actually "vacation" on the sun*, you're probably not very useful to the rest of us useful humans.

      *only at night, duh

      Delete
    2. Oh… you want my thoughts on the "removal" of those less-than-useful humans - well, okay… have you heard of 1-800-GOT-JUNK! LMAO, seriously, my poor little deaf dog just jumped from the shaking of the room.

      Now, I'm thinking the real way to go about this "removal" process is to start with a round table discussion, where hot dogs, sans mustard, will be served, along with your fancy cheese concoction. At which point, we might have to haul Mr. Penwasser in to do some PR work regarding where these misfit should go to board the various shuttles in the "hell who cares, just get them the fuck off this orb" direction. Whereby we might need to call in Bushman, he's really good with a garden hoe (read assault weapons - poor garden gnomes) to clear out those lurking in the underbrush (aka government offices). Ah… it's going to take at least a good full weekend to do this, but, in the name of all that's not Allah, it must be done.

      Well, I see missing my meds for a day is wonderful for the imagination! (aka real time drama).

      Delete
    3. Hah! Or how about the College Hunks Hauling Junk? The joke, of course, is that they just end up hauling themselves as otherwise useless mimbos.

      We don't have any hoes, but I do have a baseball bat with a nail in it... because, you know, reasons.

      Wait, you missed your meds? Maybe we need to start taking some... because we're definitely on the same level, here.

      Delete
  22. People really do need to learn more patience. I know this past month I've learned a lot of patience since I broke my arm at the top of the humerus where the bone fits into the shoulder socket. Nothing to do but wait until it gets better before I can freely move around pain free again. I think you guys work really well together and this blog is too funny. So glad I found you guys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, thank you kindly! That just made our day. And as for the whole injured/patience thing, no kidding. You know, my wife hurt her ankle badly enough to need crutches, and you wouldn't believe how many people in the grocery store would be so annoyed at having to go around her. Yeah, sorry the girl on crutches is hobbling slowly, and can't run out of your way, meaning you have to go around. Our deepest (Canadian) apologies for your loss of .5 seconds.

      Delete
  23. I was recently at a conference and the speaker mentioned that 20 (or was that 30??) the average attention span was 19 minutes...now it is 9 seconds! I guess Edward Scissorhands just lets it hang out and drip dry. I also wondered how he bathed himself. You must have had a secret yearning for Betty Rubble. Now she might be more your type than Wilma unless she does her giggles during sex then I think you would rather go down in an airplane:)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Betty Rubble was sexy as hell. I think it was the laugh - aka the sweet, heavenly laughter of an angel.

      Meanwhile, I just wonder how Edward Scissorhands wiped... you know, without ripping his rectum off.

      And I don't doubt that the average attention span is now 9 sec hey let's go ride bikes.

      Delete
    2. Yes every boy wanted to land Betty. Edward never wiped which is why he stank and was a bit crusty. Yes 9 sec is...oh sorry got a text mes........what was I writing?

      Delete
  24. That is a great visual of washing away the shame in the shower with a bottle of beer and a little pee. Next time I get a rejection, I'll have to try that. ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Just make sure the beer to pee ratio doesn't shift in the wrong direction.

      Delete
  25. We Canajens-eh appreciate that bit of 'Murrican' humor. We can be polite, until we start thinking about who runs our country. We really need another Trudeau in there. Not the cartoonist, Gary Trudeau, but the son of Pierre. And thanks - I never knew the cure for ridding oneself of shame. I'll have to try beer in the shower, since drinking wine in the hottub can make one smell like skunk. . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Whomever you have running your country (sorry - stupid, uniformed 'Murican here) is surely better than what we've got here. You have great health care, less morbidly obese mongoloids, and are generally friendlier. And you guys wonder why we drink in the shower.

      Delete
  26. I agree about the plane thing and also about the Janie response. (She's great, right?) The Disney references made me scream but people already think I'm insane so whatever.

    Now, a very important thing you left out-
    If meeting you, is beer required? If yes, who pays? What if somebody (me) is beer-stupid? Would you disown their friendship?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Beer is encouraged but not mandatory. Does beer-stupid mean you don't drink at all or just don't know what to drink? Regardless, we'll buy you milk if you come out with us. The drink matters not. Only the company. So don't be stupid-stupid (which I'm sure you're not) and you can be as beer-stupid as you want.

      Delete
    2. I drink so rarely it could probably go in the not-at-all category and nobody would know the difference. I will try not to be stupid-stupid and I look forward to the milk and company if you're ever in Arizona or I'm ever in Colorado.

      Delete
  27. Drinking belgian beer,
    washes away nightmares and fear,
    seeing my girl excites me with cheer,
    Several good friends think I'm sincere.
    My thoughts soon disappear,
    When trekkies yell, Hey man, we're here!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'll be damned. If that isn't the greatest Star Trek themed drinking song I've ever heard. What's 'salud' in Klingon?

      Delete
  28. Let me just begin by saying it took a second for me to see that the water swirling down the drain actually spelled out the word "shame." Brilliantly done!

    I'm pretty sure I'd get sued for the unforgivable offense of trying to turn my crazy dreams into a written format. That's one hot mess of random, confusing stuff that never, EVER should see the light of day!

    I never understood friends who argued with each other all the time, it never made sense to me. I mean, you don't have to agree on everything, but you definitely don't need to fight about it. (You guys make very convincing Canadians, by the way, eh?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hmmm, can you sue yourself for printing your own dreams? Defamation of subliminal character?

      Mine are just really stupid. As an example, last week I dreamed that my cat was a watermelon and I was eating her. That's it. It wasn't scary. It wasn't sad. It was just a weirdly mundane snack. That does not need to be a post.

      We're friendly. We love hockey. We love beer. Maybe we're secret Canadians. Also, some people just shouldn't be friends. I knew two guys that got in a brawl over a ham sandwich. That's not friendship.

      Delete
    2. Anyone can sue anyone for anything these days, so I'm pretty sure you could make a case for yourself. Against yourself. That's the screwed up world we live in. I wonder if things really would be better in Canada. Every dispute could just be solved with a quick game of hockey. And some maple syrup-glazed ham.

      Delete
    3. And who doesn't love riding moose? I mean, I never have, but just the very thought seems delightful.

      Delete
  29. Black truffle mac and cheese........ I need that in my life!

    As for shame - I feel none, do not acknowledge it's existence. After all, my Granny took me 'streaking' as a child. Talk about 'bare' necessities, lol.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In my completely biased and one sided opinion, the mac is pretty awesome.

      I only wish I had that level of shamelessness. How does one go streaking? And where, I wonder?

      Delete
    2. With Granny, we met in her back yard at midnight, whipped off our nighties, and danced around in the moonlight to the tune of Ray Steven's 'The Streak'. My Granny was every bit as unique as her friends, including the ones in the nursing home.

      The mac sounds pretty darn awesome, every bit as awesome as my lobster mac... oh hey, sounds like a cook-off to me!

      Delete
    3. Oh, that's not too bad. I thought you meant Granny took you to the mall on the weekend, let you strip down, and saw how far you could run before security caught you. Which still sounds like a fun time. Just a different kind of fun.

      Challenge accepted! I don't care who wins, I just want to try that lobster mac (one of my favorites dishes, but here in landlocked Colorado we don't exactly have a lot of good seafood).

      Delete
  30. Well, now I've made a discovery. Bryan is the cook. I often wondered when you commented on my blog. Maybe Edward Scissorhand has help? By the way I read boars for bears and thought your drawings were weird at first. As for hunting chocolate, be nice to it and it will come tamely to hand.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh yes, your blog is one after my own heart and I'm not just being nice when I say I've either bookmarked a recipe for later or that I'm making that recipe soon. I've made quite a few of your recipes with some great success. And I don't think of myself as a cook so much as a mad scientist with an apron. More fun that way.

      And you know, I've tried setting chocolate traps, but they just end up melting in the sun. Chocolate isn't very smart, after all.

      Delete
  31. Your answer to Bobby G.s second question hit the problem with the world right in the balls. Bravo!

    Next, How did you guys go through Catholic school and NOT be altar boys? I would go during the week with my Dad the summer after Mom died (and I was officially too old) and the Priest would peek out to see if anyone who'd ever put on the robes were in the vast crowd of 10+, and wag his finger at me. And I once broke a window on his head! Go figure.

    And on behalf of the 22.7% of my body which consists of Velveeta or store brand similatude, I resent that!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think our parents were just the right balance of Catholic. They thought it important for us to go to things like catechism and church, but not enough to force us to be altar boys. I always saw the dinky little kids up there holding those gigantic candles and wonder what it would take for them to just teeter over and burn the whole place to the ground.

      You can see, now, why the likes of us do not really belong in church.

      And I won't hold it against you that 22.7% of your body is plastic cheese if you won't hold it against me that 22.7% of my blood is beer.

      Delete
  32. I can't wait to ask an intelligent question. I can't wait to have the intelligence to think of one. Then there was the word "bewbs". I like that. Maybe I will ask an intelligent question about bewbs. Yeah, that's it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know what this Q&A session was severely lacking in? Intelligent questions about bewbs. So yeah, we expect great things from you next time around. Great, big, ample, pillowy things.

      Delete
  33. Bryan, I could not eat dinner with you. Probably. I rarely find a cheese of any sort I like. Cheese on cheese with a side of cheese would likely kill me. Although, lots of wine might revive me.

    I'll donate to your save the humans fund; somebody has to love us too. Wouldn't mind a donation back from the billionaires club though :) You guys are too cool.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The cheeses all blend together into one radioactive supercheese. Which may kill you. How about pass on the cheese and food completely and just get straight to the wine? It's only not classy if you're drinking alone.

      Delete
  34. Well, I'm still on vacation (and will be for a very very very long time). Yeah, that was a lot of verys. But that's because I'm going to be gone for so long. Anyway, I don't have much time to comment so I'm typing super fast.

    I loved this whole bit. Sounds like more people would turn out better if they were raised by bears. I mean Bryan's an Alright Guy. ;0

    Jet fuel can't melt steel beams. Obviously.

    Just so you know I really hate hot dogs. I pride myself on not having eaten one in years. And years. So, I wasn't attracted to either one of you (with or without mustard). And I don't plan on dreaming about you or hot dogs. Was that relevant? Probably not.

    Having traveled from FL to OH I'm simply feeling relieved that no one killed me on the interstate. It's insane out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, what a coincidence, I'm not attracted to wieners either. Also, hot dogs are pretty gross. I'd rather have a good brat.

      Now that you've said all of that, I hope you realize that you're going to have a nightmare in which a hot dog eats you. Extra mustard, lots of relish, heavy on the Robin.

      Delete
  35. This was really a good round of questions! Impressive bear drawing. "Cheese whore" was Boyfriend's nickname for me, so I guess he'll need to figure out a new one...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We can both be cheese whores if you want. It's like one of those cheese of the month clubs, except the members aren't "cheese aficionados" they're "scandalous cheese whores".

      Delete
  36. My biggest gripe about society is people who think it matters if you put one, or two, spaces after a period.

    And you ALMOST ALMOST got me off on my "cheese rant," like the one I lit into Michelle Obama for -- I bet she read that post! -- but then Whichever Of You it was came through and admitted liking Cheese Whiz. Cheez Whiz? Whichever. That saved you. At least one-half of the horse was being honest. Fake cheese (or: Cheez) is what built America.

    PS: The billionaires are being hectored into giving away half their money, which is nice, I guess. It'd be nicer if they'd give away 95% of it, but at least it's a start.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Lies. No one likes Cheez Whiz. They only eat it because their rotted brain tells them to.

      And let's face it, you don't get Michelle Obama arms without a little Cheez Whiz, amirite?

      Delete
  37. Once again, I'm loving the question and answer posts. Glad to learn the origins of the name.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We just think it's important to practice what you preach.

      Delete
  38. You guys crack me up! I find myself waking up my other with my snickers. :P

    Hate: planes, Velvetta, Cheese Whiz, and Belgian-style beers.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So what kind of beer do you prefer? And please don't say Keystone Light because we already like you and don't want to be forced to hate you.

      (kidding. maybe)

      Delete
    2. Ew, lol .. Yeah, I've never even had one of those before. The most macro beer I've had is Bud Light, which is terrible and I only drank it because I was drunk already and there wasn't anything else to drink. I like stouts the best. Dry stouts, sweet stout, not so much on the spicy ones, but I'll give it a try. Hands down favorite beer ever is The Temptress by Lakewood (a Dallas brewery). It's a sweet stout and fantastic.
      I also dig sours, but I'm sorta on a one-person boat with that.

      Delete
    3. You... are still a one-person boat on that. But we both love a good stout. Probably my personal favorites (local) are the Breckenridge Oatmeal Stout (good body, lightly sweet, not too filling) or the Big Choice Poblano Stout. Like the site says, it's not spicy, it just has a slight smoky taste. It's pretty amazing.

      Delete
  39. Roll on when I'm famous enough to be asked questions 😟
    great answers. I'll store them for when I am famous. . Do you charge for answer supply?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We don't charge for anything, here. We really should. I thought blogs were supposed to make people huge Google bucks. So far we haven't gotten a damn thing. :)

      Delete
  40. By the time I get to the ends of things, I have always forgotten all the things I wanted to say. That might be because I have to get up and "do things" every couple of questions...

    Cheese...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This post brought to you by fancy cheese™! Stop staring at your computer like an ingrate and go buy some fancy cheese!

      Delete
    2. Oh, I buy fancy cheese all the time.
      Though I do need to go get more of that Redhawk sometime soon.

      Delete
  41. I think you two should run for public office someday. Co-president of the USA, Brandon and Bryan. I would actually get out and vote for you! You make more sense than any of these other twit-brains campaigning. Food for thought!! XX

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like the idea of that. Even better is that we could potentially rule the country for 16 years. 8 years with me as president and him as VP, then another 8 years with the roles switched. And believe me when I say that we would rule with a tyrannical, iron fist. Either that, or we'd be drunk all the time. Yeah, probably that.

      Delete
    2. So was Ted Kennedy. Betty Ford. Richard Nixon. And lord knows who else hit the bottle!

      Delete
  42. hahahaha - I needed a good laugh so glad I dropped by for a visit. I guess it is cleansing to wash away shame who needs it anyway..down the drain it goes as you drink away..I've never had a beer in the shower, but I've had wine in the tub...hmm...interesting dream there you know stuck between those buns...oh wait, that doesn't sound quite right..if you think you have strange dreams you would be shocked to enter my dream realm. You guys have some really witty comments. I wonder how long it took you to answer all of these? The whole nature/bear things made me laugh as I would be on team nature. As I was reading this I thought you should do a book "The Bear Necessities" and you could fill it with humorous life survival tips from Mr. Grizzly...haha...it would make a great coffee table book...I just love it when I find a good coffee table book.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our agent is actually working to make ABFTS into a coffee table book... but I might have to add a section just for "Life Advice from Mr. Grizzly." He's got a great rant on the moon landing hoax, how the Van Allen Radiation Belt would have incinerated any astronaut passing through it. Oh, good times.

      A wine in the tub is an acceptable substitute for a beer in the shower if you're not into beer. I just don't recommend a wine in the shower because it's so damn hard to hold that flimsy, fancy little glass without dropping it.

      Comments and questions are all answered as soon as we see them, so most things come to us pretty quickly. Even wit. I guess it makes up for all of our other crippling character flaws. We're all about balance.

      Any weird dreams worth sharing?

      Delete
  43. These were great questions and answers. I agree about the whole communication and impatience thingy ma jiggy.

    I'm a very confused individual. I never know who is posting what. When one of you visits my blog and comments, I have no idea which co-blogger it is, so I hold you both accountable. :D

    " And also a little bit of pee, depending on how long you've been in there drinking." I don't think a guy even has to be drinking beer to pee in the shower.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We like to keep it that way - not knowing who's commenting. Just know that it's one of us, or both of us, or one of us acting as another. Because why not?

      And hey, as long as you don't whiz all over your own leg like a dummy, a drain's a drain. It all goes to the same place. Science confirms that.

      Delete
  44. It looks like you guys saved the best for last. Some of the answers to these questions are hysterical,and the hot dream/costumes...OK, I won't even touch that one,but what I personally like best is the fact that the two of you are friends who have never ever had a fight (also that you were not alter boys). Sorry to stoop to sentimentality, but for today that's just where I'm at and 'you know me.'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm actually just surprised... by how many people are surprised by that. I didn't think it was all that uncommon, but apparently true friends are hard to find. Makes you not take each other for granted (cue studio audience: awwwww).

      And Father Hitler always knew that we got bored easily during mass, so I don't think he would have let us be altar boys. Two kids sitting up next to him, daydreaming about stupid things like people in hot dog costumes... what kind of message would that send parishioners?

      Delete
  45. Guess I was wrong. I thought you were a llama in a two-man suit.

    Also, sad fact: cheese gives me crippling migraines. I had to start eating American. But I CAN have hard cheese, like parmesan.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A llama? Come on, that's ridiculous. Llamas can't sew people costumes. They're notoriously clumsy seamstresses.

      I can't believe cheese gives you migraines. That sucks. Nagging gives me crippling migraines. That seems pretty self explanatory, though.

      Delete
  46. You guys probably never stop by to check on replies (I don't.) But I just call you two the Beer Guys instead of trying to figure out who's actually commenting.

    The way I see it, you two act as some sort of symbiotic unit, possibly connected telepathically. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We do check back in (hi!) but I think you view us the way more people should - we're never just going to tell you "Oh hi, this is Bryan." Or "Hey, this is Brandon." That's lame. We share most of the same views on everything, anyway. Why waste the time to say it's one of us when the other already symbiotically agrees?

      Delete
  47. I get the people expecting you to write eulogies. Everyone just assumed I would be making a speech for my sister's 21st and I'm pretty sure it's only because of my performing experience.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Your sister's 21st eulogy? How many times did that poor girl die? Or at this point, is it just like Weekend at Bernie's Part 21? ;)

      Delete
    2. No no, it was her birthday. Every year on her birthday we write her a eulogy just to remind her not to get ahead of herself.

      Delete
  48. awesome as always fellers. I mustarded on myself last night.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. With you having a kid and all, I'm just surprised you even have time to mustard at all.

      Delete
  49. People are losing patience. It is being swallowed up by the instant gratification of one-click response times and the growing divide of interpersonal communication. Amen to that. I've been saying this for years. Who would've thought that the human race would find new ways to go down the drain?

    Yeah, what happened to those steel beams?

    P.S. My dignity.... What dignity?

    ReplyDelete
  50. Hunting the candy bar cracked me up!
    Personally, I think Edward Scissorhands is magical and never has to use the bathroom.

    ReplyDelete