Monday, June 8, 2015

How My Stupid Dog Is Battling Child Illiteracy

Out of my 3 dogs, one of them has a special talent. And really, it's the most useless of special talents, but it's truly all that he's good at. I have a poodle who, on most days, I think is borderline retarded. He can't sit. He can't lay down. He can't come when called. But he can do one thing exceptionally well, and it is this...


No, it's not deflecting projectiles with his mostly empty cranium. It's sitting there. And doing nothing. Which, as mentioned, is not a particularly great talent to have. I mean, that's not something we really value in people. Well, unless you work in a cubicle.




But because of his ability to sit there and do nothing, this poodle makes an incredible Caring Canine service dog. And contrary to the few marbles rolling around in his skull, he's actually a certified service dog that specializes in bringing comfort to sick and dying hospital patients, something I've posted about before. He even has his own goddamn business card, something *I* don't even have as a person.

And no, I'm not making that up.

The ID picture truly captures his vacant eyed stare
But he's recently moved up in his career. Now my wife is taking him to the local library, where they have a program called Paws to Read (and feel free to "paws" as you sigh at the terrible pun) that incorporates Caring Canines and children reading. How, you ask? Well, by having children read to a dog. A dog that's very good at sitting there and doing nothing, aka pretending it's listening. Something that Little Man is a specialist in.




And yes, my wife has a barrage of excuses as to why Little Man is staring off into space, or looking at the ground, or feasting on his nether regions.

But I'll be damned if it doesn't work. Apparently kids that are struggling with reading don't feel shy reading to a cute little dog. And a lot of them have had very positive experiences with Little Man... and his ability to just sit there flawlessly doing nothing.

If anything, the real struggle is with my wife, Meli, who has to supervise. And has to not laugh when kids make mistakes like the following, which is a very real fumble that some little girl made last week.

This is what the book actually said...


Which seems like something Wonder Woman would totally do.


But when the girl reached that part of the story, she read it like this, without skipping a beat.


Which elicited this response...


And, in turn, this response...


But thankfully my wife recovered with this...


And it was a damn good save, because this was all Meli could think about at the time: something that Wonder Woman probably would NOT do.


Ultimately, my dog is even better at this than my wife because he'll never laugh at a child for letting it slip that Wonder Woman once dropped dat booty on some unsuspecting soldiers. It's an art, and Little Man's ability to sit there looking profoundly disabled is helping children all across Denver learn how to read.

So while I laugh at him for being kinda dumb, he's leaps and bounds better at helping others to read than I am as a writer. Which is kinda sad if you think about it.

But we make a damn good team, and the way I think of it, we're almost like a duo running a hustle. He gets the kids hooked on reading, and then I snare them in with my and Brandon's books.

...Or at least that's how I justify my own dog being a better teacher of children than I am.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Great Basin Cerveza Chilebeso
Music: Paul Simon



121 comments:

  1. Fortunately, I don't think you're in danger of Little Man actually responding.
    Hey, at least he's using his talent for good. Most humans would use that to sponge off the system.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now, if only we could find a way for Little Man to get paid for this, so WE could sponge off of HIM...

      Delete
  2. But does your wife ever drop a mean fart on the kids? Because I bet your dog has a time or two. If I can volunteer to be a dog, like Wilfred in that TV show, who just sits there but also gives out unsolicited and terrible life advice to the kid and the kid isn't sure if I'm real or a hallucination, I would totally do that. What? My friend's a therapist, I want to help him get more business. If you can with this "teaching them to read" scam, then why can't I help my therapist friend get work...Well, now that I read that sentence back, I may reconsider this idea.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks to your comment, I now want to buy a costume like this, walk into the library with my wife next week, and be like, "Hey bitches, who's ready to read?"

      (I also might have to explain about bitch's double meaning so the kids will understand why that statement is clever)

      Delete
  3. You can never tell with Wonder Woman; she did grow up on an island with no men.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And as an Amazonian, I'm sure it was only a matter of moments before those poor soldiers' pelvises were ground into bone dust. God rest their lucky, lucky souls.

      Delete
  4. I will spend the rest of workday erasing the image of Wonderwoman twerking enemies into submission.. much like any golddigging Vegas Showgirl has done to her benefactor(s)
    Thank you for that. Monday is much more bearable now
    :-)
    PolishSpring

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I hear for a gay man that's just the absolute worst way to die. You spend your whole life avoiding a woman's nether regions only to have it jackhammer your internal organs into soup.

      We're always happy to hear that we can start your Monday off on the classiest note possible. :)

      Delete
  5. I am thinking little man is much smarter than you give him credit for.
    What better way to score treats and cuddles than spending time with children ?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He doesn't get treats OR cuddles during reading time because it would distract the kids. He's pretty much doing this gig for free. Either he's got a huge love of the game, or he's really not that smart. Let's say both?

      Delete
  6. I have to agree with PolishSpring, above (if that IS his real name). The gif of Wonder Woman is a new high point (or more accurately new low point, I guess) for this page.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If that's true then we really need to get cracking for next week, because I feel like we can do SO much lower than this. That gif didn't even have terrible rap music or Mexican guys throwing dollar bills at her.

      Delete
  7. Little Man is one awesome little dog. I've heard about that program and that it really does help kids learn to read. It sounds like an idea that was fueled by drugs, or someone just saying "Well why not?" but at the same time it really works. Like you said the kids don't feel judged or anything like that. They're able to just read and they get to spend time with a cute little dog. At the end of the day; that's all anyone really wants out of life.

    Except spending time with a cat. A cat would find some way to judge you while you read though.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Some of the kids are still terrified, which is both sad and hilarious. I guess last month there was a boy who was shaking the whole time, and after he was done he threw down the book and just sprinted out of the room. His mom later said he went to the bathroom to throw up. I never knew a poodle could do that to someone. I feel like that should be emblazoned on his business card.

      "Once terrified a child so much he made him vomit"

      Delete
  8. Well, that WW gif is now burned into my brain forever. Ewwww.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't believe for one moment that you don't want to see Wonder Woman droppin' booty on some chumps.

      Delete
  9. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I taught my dog a few tricks. She can sit and knows she has to sit and wait to get a treat. Not much other than that. She never learned the shake hands thing. My brother's dog will keep shaking your hand several times after you say the command.

      Delete
    2. I never was able to teach any of my dogs to shake hands. And the others sit... sometimes. But they definitely know "shut up." Yep, nailed that one.

      Delete
  10. Good thing Little Man can't understand the readers. That Wonder Woman scene would've been enough to cue a little red rocket.

    ...Sorry. It's Monday morning and boner jokes are the best I got.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I never even thought to take it there, so I applaud your efforts to take a lowbrow joke and to drag it even further into the mud. If it weren't for boner jokes, we probably wouldn't have much to say at all.

      Delete
  11. I've heard about that program. I kind of wish they had it when I was a kid. I'd read to my dog now, but she would just fall asleep.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I try reading to Little Man at home, but he's so tired of doing it for a living all day long that I just don't think his heart's in it by the time I read to him.

      Delete
  12. Three dogs, what do the other two do? I think we should have a vote of praise for Little Man. If that's a genuine picture on his card, he don't look like no poodle I ever saw.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The other two are collecting unemployment. I try to get them to look for jobs but they just can't be bothered. What lazy dogs.

      And yes, that's his real picture. Here's another picture of him with the wife. He looks pretty common for a toy poodle. They all look more or less like this at his size. He's 5 lbs full grown.

      Delete
    2. Thanks, that looks more like it. What an attractive wife you have.

      Delete
  13. lol she had a good recovery from the wonder woman remark. Wonder woman's ass can really jiggle too. For a dog that does nothing Little Man sure gets a lot done.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wonder Woman - her true superpower is being a white woman with an actual ass.

      If I ever want to light a fire under my ass to get more done, I just remind myself that a dog is accomplishing more than I am by doing nothing, and when I die I don't want to say that my dog had a better resume than I do.

      Delete
  14. Now if only you can get a commercial made Little Man would be bringing you the money

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If he could be the dog version of Grumpy Cat, that would be awesome. That cat sits there, does nothing, and makes his owners MILLIONS.

      Delete
  15. It's beautiful that your stupid, vacant dog is bringing literacy to young minds in Denver. If only stupid vacant people could be used for anything worthy. And I am picturing you two working on getting Wonder Woman's butt to flap up and down like that - drawing it out, getting the rate just right and all.. pure genius. I like the kid's version. Linda Carter was hot. Ratings would've soared had she straddled the troops.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm not kidding when I say I had to watch a few twerking videos just to see how butts flap like that in action, and it was not pleasant or fun. Twerking is just awful. I can feel it actively killing my brain cells with each painful booty flop.

      So just know what we do for our friends here for the sake of making them laugh. :(

      Delete
  16. I think the entire US military is thankin' Little Man right now. Just think of the motivation those soldiers had after story time. I'm sure they went back and inspired all the troops after seein' that ass!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Take heed, children! Don't send the soldiers overseas letters hoping they come back okay. Send them wishes that Wonder Woman bounces that delicious booty their way.

      Delete
  17. B&B:
    Hey, Little Man is one CUTE-ASS little bugger!
    (but don't tell him that...you know dogs and inflated egos, right?)
    Has his OWN business cards...WTG!
    That's a great job your Missus and L-M have got going on...love to see children literacy programs.

    And that "flub" by the one child had me ROFL...(also got my cat to STARING at me wondering WTH so damn humorous).
    Your illustrations really brought this tale (or is that "tail"?) to life...well done.
    Wonder Woman lap dance...(Mmmmm...Lynda Carter)
    Nice imagery. Thank you.

    And getting the kids to read (so they can get YOUR books)....beyond BRILLIANT.
    A marketing coup, to be sure.

    Excellent post...have Little Man (and your Wifey) keep up their great work, too.

    Stay safe out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You've addressed a valid concern. Sure, he's good at sitting there doing nothing, but if he KNOWS that he's good at sitting there doing nothing his ego could get out of control. It's probably for the best that he can't understand anything we say. Especially when I call him dumb.

      Delete
  18. Well it looks as though Little Man was born to be a volunteer dog. I mean, a small poodle that can just sit there and do nothing but convert oxygen into carbon dioxide is pretty rare. Usually mini poodles are yappy little things that can't stop running or jumping around, biting ankles and peeing on...well...everything. Including the very ankles they've just bitten.

    Well if your vegetable of a dog can go out there and get a job, then there are really no excuses for any of the rest of us. We always tease my dad, because as soon as we were 12 years old, he was always telling us to get out there and get a job. Seriously, whenever we would be hanging around, whining about being bored, he'd say: "Go get a job. You won't be bored anymore." So we always say his theme song is "Get a Job" by The Silhouettes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nbGthv-dJp4

    Now I see that he had a point. If Little Man can do it, so can we. He's an inspiration, really.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that song! Have you ever seen the short animated film Get A Job? It has that song featured in it, and it's the first thing I always think of when I hear that song play.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=TwI2DTiVSJ0

      And thankfully I haven't been bitten, peed on, or had a bite mark peed on by the poodle, so I guess I'm lucky. All of that involves movement, and he is not a fan.

      Delete
    2. Yes, it is a very good song. And I must admit I've never seen that cartoon before. Trust those kooky Canadians to put together something like that! :)

      Delete
  19. OMG.....
    I. Love. This. Post.

    Truly, you pull off amazing posts every Monday. I mean it.

    Little Man is using his talents wisely: one of his talents being..... utter cuteness to charm the kids into reading. I love this for so many reasons. I love it because I love dogs, I love teaching and I love it because I am a book person (raised by a librarian)...

    .... and... I love it because Wonder Woman has such a nice a--. Yes, I am bleeping out that swear word.... because... I don't swear online anymore (I'll explain that more later)

    Your animated GIF is awesome!!!!! Love the perfect twerk rhythm.

    Hey, why the Mona Lisa?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The Mona Lisa? No no, that's not the Mona Lisa. That was painted by myself. It's called the Moona Loosa. It's the cheap offbrand painting since I can't quite afford the original.

      (Okay, I didn't paint that. But it makes for a fun background)

      I'm just eager to hear why you don't swear online. But as long as you swear somewhere, that's all that matters. Bottling all those words up is dangerous, you know.

      Delete
    2. LOL! I thought it was a painting of Brandon dressed like the Mona Lisa...

      .... and you're right. Who gives a shit. I'll swear when I want.

      Delete
  20. I've never owned a dog that could be used as a service dog. They all move. A lot. And bark. A lot. I really should use the past tense since we are down to one. But all of them were Active. Not a vacant sit and stare in the bunch.

    My mind just won't stay out of the gutter, because all I can think about is Wonder Woman straddling the troops and that shocking booty bumping you managed to draw. Makes you wonder if straddling the soldiers is actually the way to bring about permanent peace. I know the military seems to think it's guns, but I don't think those boys were going anywhere. And there was only one weapon they were thinking about shooting, if you know what I mean;) BTW, that comment was not intended in any way to suggest that our 2nd Amendment right to bear arms should be revoked in favor of legalizing prostitution.

    Yikes I better stop now while I'm "behind."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, it's especially weird because the rest of the pack all move like crazy. The Italian Greyhound can jump so high he'll poke you in the eyeball with his nose. But the poodle just wants to sit there. The others try to get him to play, and he just gives a lazy growl and lays down. He's not completely inactive - he trots around - but he's not a run and jump kinda dog.

      The right to bear arms? How about the right to bear dat booty? That's an amendment I'm sure every soldier would agree with. ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

      Delete
  21. That Wonder Woman gif is the most hilariously disturbing thing I've seen in ages.

    I sometimes read to my cat. Then she walks out of the room, and it's like she doesn't even care that I'm about to get to the good bit!

    Dammit. Sniff.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Last time I tried to read to my cat she threw up and then tried to eat it back up. I think that was her scathing version of a critique.

      Delete
  22. That dog is pretty adorable. I'd read to him.

    Your wife is most impressive, I probably would have had to leave the room until I stopped laughing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. She's practically the most immature woman I know (thus why I married her) so she truly has a world class poker face to not snort laughter after hearing that, especially in such a deadpan, matter of fact manner. That somehow just makes it funnier.

      Delete
  23. Our library has a program like that and the school does something with dogs and reading too. Your wife if a quick thinker or at least her mind climbs out the gutter quickly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "That's my secret, Captain. It never leaves the gutter." - Wife

      Delete
  24. He can't sit. He can't lay down. He can't come when called

    Is it that he can't or won't.

    If it's the latter, are you sure he's not a cat?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now that you mention it, I'm 99% sure Little Man is just a cat wearing a really poorly made sheep costume. We try to give him orders, and he stares at us, but maybe he's just playing dumb. Like the Asian guy I used to work with, who conveniently didn't understand English when someone barked an order at him. Then after the manager would leave, flustered, he'd throw me a wink and laugh.

      Delete
  25. Little Man is an awesome dog. He does a better job earning his keep than a lot of people do. Oh, and if he isn't interested in listening to you read to him after he's put in a hard day at the library, maybe you're choosing the wrong material. Try a more dog-friendly book with a hot bitch in it. (Not Wonder Woman.) But, um, not "Old Yeller."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, I don't think he's my target demographic. And I did read him Old Yeller, but he just sat there, glassy eyed, not responding. I think he may be a serial killer.

      Delete
  26. Serious booty boppin' going on there, lol.

    You and Little Man have something in common y'know... you both give humans reason to read.
    Oh my goodness, did I just leave a nice comment? I'm sicker than I thought!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What's this, a genuinely flattering compliment? NO! That's our kryptonite! It's like pouring water on a witch! I can feel my black heart shriveling up like a raisin... arrrgh...

      Delete
  27. Probably working way better than No Child Left Behind ever did. How much is Little Man getting paid for this gig? I hope it is substantial. As a reading specialist there are probably very few that get results this good and he should be appropriately compensated. And Wonder Woman could straddle me any day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Little Man isn't getting paid a damn cent. He's in it for love of the game. Or... maybe he hates the game. I don't really know. He doesn't do a lot. He's got a great poker face.

      Also, I can only assume those soldiers were gay, because I wouldn't complain about a lap dance from Wonder Woman either.

      Delete
  28. So Little Man is your muse, too, eh? Or is that your critic? If he helps the little readers, then he serves a purpose. He's like a doggie Buddha, showing us how contemplating the universe or other areas can bring inner calm. Wonder Woman in comics was a lot like Xena in spandex. . .the tv show worse. Not a fan, in case you can't tell. Token female to balance off all the male superheroes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We never watched Wonder Woman. Or read any of her comics. Or read any of the books where apparently she straddles soldiers. So I don't know if we tainted her legacy or just added to the existing pile, but... no regrets. :)

      Delete
  29. Wow, that sure tops Scrappy doing the Bottom's Up on my Friday Time Machine! Scrappy would be no good for this... not because of not being able to just sit (or lie) there- but he has a bad habit of letting out big sighs when he's bored. You think the kid cried for a snicker...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, that's awesome. I've never had a dog that sighs. I feel like that could be a sideshow attraction. "Come see the dog that gets bored of you! Tell him a long-winded story; if he sighs, you should probably shut up!"

      Delete
  30. Come to think of it... I believe I once saw Wonder Woman pole-dancing at the 'FANTASY' Club For Men. I always thought it was just some chick in a Wonder Woman outfit, but not now:

    If it's got dat swing
    It must be da real thing!

    Say, curious, did Brandon get a chance to sample that Chilebeso? If so, what did he think of it?

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Times are hard for some of those old superheroes. Iron Man and Captain America are off making A-list Hollywood blockbusters, and Wonder Woman's swinging on a pole at the Spearmint Rhino. Come one, come all! She wears her indestructible bracelets... and not much else!

      Brandon's currently away on a honeymoon with his wife, but I saved one bottle for his return. Or... maybe I will. He's gonna be gone a while, and that bottle sure does look lonesome on its own...

      Delete
  31. How did you even get your dog into that? Were you convinced that that your dog was perfect enough to be a celebrity/model/actor (as I believe with Kitty) and were rudely informed that it's too dumb to do that but could sit like a lump?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. He was already a Caring Canine service dog, so the HBIC (head bitch in charge - little dog pun there, folks) offered for him to join this program since he's, um, gifted in that way. It's good to give work to the retardeds of the world.

      Delete
  32. It seems little man can sit there looking like he cares when he is actually quite vacant...poor little man. Come to think of it, I think many kids can sit there looking vacant and adults so Little Man is ahead of the game because he actually has a job. As for the little gal with the oops-I laughed out loud and kept laughing as I saw Wonder Woman finally getting it on. I think she watched one too many Nicky Manaj or Jennifer Lopez videos to get the booty going-that takes special care and I think she found a new way to deflect bullets instead of using her wrists

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And to think, Little Man can sit down and look vacant eyed without having to smoke weed all day. What a talent!

      Also, you might just be working toward a new special power for Wonder Woman. Make sure you charge DC Comics for it when they start using it in their new issues:

      "Some women have an ass that you can bounce a quarter off of. This one you can bounce a bullet off of."

      Delete
  33. Sorry I'm late, I just got back from a visit to my in-laws.

    I'm not even going to try to say something funny here as this post just made me go all girly and gooey inside. It is such a wonderful thing when animals help people like this. And I know it's cliche, but they don't judge anyone. They just accept us as we are. It must feel really good to take part in something like this, to see how your dog makes such a difference in the lives of others.

    From what I understand it is hard to find a dog with a nature that is placid enough to be trusted as a Service Dog. Neither of my 3 dogs could even get into a school to learn how to do this kind of thing. You two have the coolest animals, hawks, wild cats and a Service Dog. Anyway, I've said it before and I'll say it again-I so enjoy these kind of posts from you boys.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true, I've had dogs most of my life and Little Man is the first one I've ever met that's so calm. You know, before a dog can even become a service dog, the service dog admins will give them a full test to make sure they don't freak out or snap under pressure. That way, if a patient makes a move too fast or starts having a seizure, etc, the dog won't lash out and potentially hurt them. Little Man doesn't do a damn thing, even if a stranger pretends like he's going to strike him. Even my other dogs, who are as friendly as can be, will bare teeth if a stranger makes a very sudden movement around them.

      Also, not to tease, but if this week's post makes you feel girly and gooey, then just wait for next week. We're not trying to beat animal-themed posts to death, but I have a pretty interesting post lined up concerning a new animal that I've taken in and nursed back to health...

      I'm like the poor man's Dr. Dolittle: all of the animals somehow know to come straight to my door and ask for help. In this case, literally.

      Delete
  34. Perhaps I should take my 24 year old son to the library, or recovery room. He's as talented as Little Man. Might tend to snicker with his own thoughts though :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you can dress him up in this, then I assume none of the kids will be any the wiser.

      Delete
  35. I feel as about as bright as your dog. I read the post. I loved the post. I was scrolling down to comment on the post. Several hours later, I checked back to see if you had replied...and I saw I never actually commented. My bad.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now I can only ever imagine you sitting behind your computer, vacant eyed, a faint line of drool sliding down your mouth as you read our post. Which is okay. That seems like our target demographic.

      Do bear in mind that while Little Man isn't very smart, we don't claim to be either. Just last week we posted about battling giant turd monsters. In other words, this isn't likely the kind of site that people frequent when looking to write their master's thesis. You're among (not very smart) friends.

      Delete
  36. Feasting on his nether regions....bwahahaha Yeah I have a dog that's good at that too. But good god, did you really have to make wonder woman twerk?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, don't blame me for that animation, blame the poor child that can't read properly. Apparently Little Man isn't doing his job well enough.

      Delete
  37. haha - I think that doggie is smarter than he appears. Had to laugh about the wonder woman story kids say the darnest things without even knowing it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, I promise you, Little Man is quite dumb, but it's okay. They say ignorance is bliss, and he lives a very happy, very stupid life. :)

      Delete
  38. awww your dog is awesome. I wish he was around for my daughter to read to when she was really struggling with her dyselxia, because its hard for me not to laugh when she says stuff like straddle instead of startle. I don't do a very good job covering up my laughter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So not only am I making fun of a little girl in today's post, I'm potentially making fun of a dyslexic little girl. I didn't even think about that. Welp, I guess I already knew my one way ticket to hell was nonrefundable. At least my dog can help people - I sure can't!

      Delete
  39. I've never heard of dogs helping kids read, but it makes sense! They can't judge or (in your wife's case) laugh. It seems very ideal. Oh and not that I'm blaming your wife or anything because I probably would've laughed to. I mean, just reading it gave me a chuckle. And then a loud laugh at the gif of Wonder Woman straddling the soldiers hahaha
    Your dog sounds awesome! My dogs aren't talented, even at sitting and doing nothing. Their butthole selves just ignore me and do what they want.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If it's any consolation, none of my other dogs are talented either. One of them is just plain stupid AND can't sit still. It's a bad combination. He hurts himself a lot. And at 6 years old, I feel like he may just be terminally unemployable.

      Delete
    2. Haha.. My little dog still hasn't learned not to run under foot, so she gets stepped on a lot. Mostly by our other dog. Though I think he does that on purpose!

      Delete
  40. Awww! I love Little Man's business card!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You should see people's expressions when I hand them one. It's a special kind of disbelief/befuddlement.

      Delete
  41. Hahahaha just goes to show you that everything (and everyone) has a purpose in life. Even to just sit and do nothing. ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "God has a plan for me... and it's to sit here and do nothing! Hallelujah!"

      Delete
  42. Aw! That is so sweet. Little Man has a BIG purpose in life. Now, if I was your wife, I'd be a bit upset that you gave me two teeth as she's snickering. LOL!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I know, I'd be mad too. It doesn't represent her one single tooth (but she takes GREAT care of it).

      Delete
  43. Critters have special powers given to them by the aliens who planted them here.

    My poodle is too smart - I'm not kidding. It's annoying as heck. Go for the dumb dog, always.

    Then again, look at all the attention Little Man is getting...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, everything I've read says that poodles are supposed to be very intelligent, clever creatures. I don't know what went wrong with ours, but he's dumb as a box of rocks. And yet... I prefer him this way. I couldn't imagine if he was all crafty and mischievous and liked to outsmart his owner

      Our chihuahua, meanwhile, was supposed to be stupid as hell, but that was probably the smartest dog I'd ever had. He could point to his water bowl to indicate it was empty, and if I said 'go to bed' he'd walk to his bed, roll himself up, and go to sleep. I know some humans that aren't even that smart.

      Delete
  44. I'd love to use my cats for something like this. Unfortunately, one of them would just crap everywhere, and the other would hiss, growl and swipe at the poor kids. I don't think this would encourage them very much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You have a cat that craps everywhere? My goodness that's awful. I mean, my cats are both mischievous assholes, but at least they keep it in the litter box.

      Delete
  45. As dumb as some dogs can be, it's hard not to love them anyway. Trust me, my dog is dumber than shit and he still lives in my house. That's saying something.

    In all actuality, I've learned a lot from my dumb dog. Like how to completely ignore it when your name is being called. Now if only I could master licking my own balls....?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The dumber the dog, the happier he seems to be. Same with people, come to think of it. Ignorance truly is bliss. If I ever get tired of being moderately intelligent, I'll just jump into traffic head first, then after I get out of the hospital I'll strap on my helmet and prepare for a lifetime of sweet happiness. Someone turn the TV to the History Channel, I'm gonna learnt me about the history of dem Ancient Aliens!

      Delete
  46. Wonder Woman wouldn't do that? She wouldn't??? (Now I need a paws...)
    Plus I don't have a business card.
    Other than that, it's all good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. For you she just might. She easily resisted the Green Hulk, but she may never resist the charms of the Blue Grumpster.

      Delete
  47. I have to admit little man got personality. Hes definitely got killer talent speciality. So write those words for us folks to wash down, or take up serving burgers like Krusty the clown.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Have you seen how much they pay authors? I might have to start asking people if they want fries with that anyway. :(

      Delete
  48. There was a dog at the library today, but I didn't see if they called it the Paws to Read program there, either. We were in a hurry. But, hey, whatever helps kids read. Nice save on your wife's part!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There was a dog at the library? Was he reading or returning an overdue book?

      Delete
  49. You shouldn't underestimate Little Man ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This is true, but I shouldn't OVERestimate him either. He's really not that bright. :)

      Delete
  50. I love this post, and even without meeting him, I love Little Man. This dog has a lot more going for him that a lot of people I know. Keep up the good work Little Man. Keep Little Man safe and happy Bryan and Melli.

    As for Wonder Woman, I think it best if I don't touch that with a ten foot pole.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If Wonder Woman acts that way with even just random soldiers, I think it's best no one touch her with a ten foot pole. That pole could end up covered in herpes and/or chlamydia.

      I love Little Man too. Just don't tell anyone. I have a certain level of street cred to maintain*.

      *absolutely zero

      Delete
  51. If they'd pay me, I'd sit at the library dressed in a dog costume and let kids read to me.

    And they'd need to pay me with money--not books or dog biscuits.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Wrote By Rote

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Dog biscuits aren't worth much, but books are worth just as much as money. $5.99, last we checked, for our own. But we might better call them priceless.

      Studio audience: Awww

      Delete
  52. I remember your other story about your adorable Little Man, and I'm glad that he and your wife are helping more kids than ever. I love his business card, and Little Man looks a lot more with it than I do on my driver's license.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Awww, that just made me sad. Little Man's business card is better than my own driver's license. He also posed for that yearly calendar and looked like a little model. I need to ask him his secret.

      Delete
  53. If I read to my dogs one would probably vomit and the other would run...very fast.
    I really should get them business cards.

    Remmi's would say ball chaser for hire (not those kind of balls).
    Gunner's would say underwear eater supreme. (For those days when you don't feel like doing laundry.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just surprised Little Man hasn't shit in the library yet. I'm sure the kids would take that as a very harsh criticism.

      Delete
  54. Little Man has it all figured out. Sit around, do nothing, and get fed. He's milking the system.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I guess that makes me the system. I suppose it was only a matter of time before I became "the man." :(

      Delete
  55. Replies
    1. Is it Andy Dick? Because I still haven't forgiven that asshole for what he did to my poor La-Z-Boy.

      Delete
  56. I had like, SEVEN good puns for that "Paws" thing, then I got all distracted by Wonder Woman and the whole thing got me thinking, and then searching, and now my browser history will end my marriage.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sounds like we need to introduce you to a little thing called "Incognito mode."

      Delete
  57. Sounds like Little Man is a little smarter than you think ;)
    I was trying to find something else and stumbled upon this page. Hilarious writing. Had me lol out loud :) and it's almost two am and people are sleeping, so that says something about the power of your humor. or perhaps about my self-control. You're writing is frankly entertaining is my preferred conclusion ^_^

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, thanks for stopping by, and for the kind words! Little Man is definitely smart. He found a way to even be featured in the local newspaper. On one hand, I'm proud of his recognition. On the other hand, I am less popular than a dog.

      Delete