Monday, June 29, 2015

Honeymooning in Jurassic Panama

Last week my wife and I (Brandon) went on our honeymoon to Panama. And since neither of us had ever been there before (or really known anyone who had) we didn't fully know what to expect. The pictures make it look like Jurassic Park, except instead of dinosaurs there's lots of wild birds. Which are descended from dinosaurs and therefore in my eyes just as dangerous.


All I knew was that I needed my special, patented, airplane-riding-survival medicine in order to get there. Because flying is terrible, and it's just better to ship my intoxicated corpse overseas than it is for me to be coherent.

Carry-on essentials. Booze and contact lenses. You need one in order to drink the other. I forget which is which.
So, we got to Panama City, stayed a night in a fancy hotel (thank you, badass travel agent!), and then set out from a regional airport for our final destination of Bocas del Toro, which is surprisingly not related to Buca di Beppo and therefore is not full of overpriced, low quality Italian cuisine.

It's also worth noting that our airplane looked to have been bought at some kind of international yard sale. It had such vintage luxuries as armrest ashtrays, prop engines, and free in-flight alcoholic beverages. And despite the fact that things like "safety checks" don't exist over there, that beast flew like a fucking champ. And by that, I mean didn't plunge any of us into the ground.

Four decades without spontaneous combustion. Who says miracles don't happen?
And then we arrived at the islands, where the locals were happy to see us.


Sorry, wrong slide. That was from our trip to D.C. last year and our tour of the Senate building. They are surprisingly trainable, though, once you separate them from the herd.


So we arrived at the islands, where we were given a really nice villa. But more importantly, we got a sweet ass golf cart to drive from the marina back and forth to our villa, which was about a ten minute drive up the mountain.

Note the pasty legs. They serve as a defense mechanism to blind attacking velociraptors.
Yeah, as I said, up the mountain. Imagine driving that thing up a mountain. We learned firsthand about the resilience of the mighty golf cart, which despite the often treacherous terrain, somehow managed not to roll off the side of the mountain to our fiery deaths (I assume it would explode Michael Bay style upon impact).

Needless to say, the place was a paradise (i.e. almost completely devoid of idiotic tourists), with beautiful beaches and little villages on all the islands. And boy did the mosquitoes give us a warm welcome.



Only the main island had but a couple of paved roads (including the runway) so pretty much everywhere else we went we had to take boat taxis. And believe me, you haven't lived until you've ridden in a fiberglass shell doing fifty miles an hour... in the middle of the pitch black night... on open ocean water... with no lights.

We took an awesome boat tour (during the daytime) where we got to see a lot of cool wildlife. Like the tour guide's boat shop, which is said to house over a thousand unique venereal diseases.


On the tour, we snorkeled, hung out at remote beaches, and met a lot of other locals and South American vacationers who made us practice our Spanish. I can even say "I now have explosive diarrhea, please let me die."*

*Ahora tengo diarrea explosiva. Por favor, déjame morir!

The wildlife we saw on our trip included dolphins, lots of starfish, and even a sloth who was too busy jacking off to pose for a decent picture. That's right. Think about that one for a minute. For a sloth, it literally takes a full minute to capture a single downward stroke. Poor guy.

I even had to fight a parrot for a beer...

I may have lost an eye, but dammit it was worth it.
The parrot won, but he bought the next round, so it all worked out.

The beer in Panama is, well...it's beer. Let's just say that Adolph Coors* himself would be proud.

*No relation to Adolf Hitler, even though both men ultimately mass-produced terrible things

Fortunately, Heidi did some googling and found out there was one lone micro brewery on the islands. And go figure, the owners previously came from Beer Mecca, our hometown of Denver.

I found a bottle of Panamanian swill outside the brewery and kindly disposed of it.
And even though they were currently remodeling, the owners were kind enough to emergency tap us some of their finely crafted IPA. It was well worth the dollar-fifty cab ride to get there.

We spent most of our days by the seaside, drinking rum out of coconuts and yelling drunkenly at exotic birds. We did a little jungle hiking, which resulted in a busted flip-flop (not the best hiking apparel), but we did make it far enough to wander on some private land that probably did not need us wandering on it.

I don't know how you say "buckshot in your ass" in Spanish, but I didn't want to find out.
Anyway, we had a blast on our honeymoon. The locals were friendly. The food was fantastic. And the remote scenery was out of this world.




Any of the married folk here had an interesting honeymoon experience?

Cheers and stay classy, folks!
-Brandon

Beer: Balboa
Music: Van Halen

126 comments:

  1. I would say congratulations and how beautiful and all that benign nonsense, but damn you for mentioning Van Halen in relation to your trip. Now I'll never dislodge that stupid song from my brain. I'll have to go listen to the Nerf Herder song "Van Halen" to get "Panama-a-a-a-a" out of my dome. You saw dolphins...but you didn't get close enough to get raped by one, did you?
    And you used a travel agent? Did they have to find a mosquito trapped in amber from the early 1980's, extract the DNA and clone a travel agent to help you book this trip? Travel agents are extinct still, right? We don't want them getting loose into the world.

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    1. One day they might be, but until then, jackasses like me keep them in business. They actually hooked us up really well, so I can't complain. I can't say I'd use a travel agent for my next trip to California, though.

      Van Halen's Panama - the best song ever that's not about its namesake! It's... about a car or something, right? Vroom vroom, Panama-a-a-a-a!

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  2. Glad you didn't plunge to your death. No pictures of the giant mosquitoes? Or were they hiding out at the boat shop?
    Might visit Panama now but I'm scratching DC off my list...

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    1. They say there's a man who actually captured a picture of the giant Panamanian mosquito. All that's left of him is a dry, withered husk. The rest of us? We ran. We ran for our damned lives. No picture is worth that.

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  3. Bloodshot eyes even though she had that very fluid sucked out of her? Step up your realism!

    If you strip away all the luxury, that seems oddly similar to my adventures in Peru. Might as well've been the same country, eh? But yeah, jungle hiking with flip-flops. If you ever thought that might be a good idea, and that nothing would go wrong, then I'm not sure what was happening in your head at the time. I've basically been living in hiking shoes for the past month, and they're actually pretty comfy! Invest in a nice pair and improve your adventures.

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    1. Blood has to go somewhere. Why not the eyes?

      And dude, we live in Colorado. If you think we don't own quality hiking shoes then ju crazy. The walk actually started on flat land, and then started getting more hilly, so we figured what the hell and gave it a shot in flip flops. It did not work. But we did not set out to hike in flip flops.

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  4. I seriously thought after that first sentence "my wife and I (Brandon)" that you guys were going to announce that you were married to each other. Obviously I have been looking at too many rainbows on FaceBook this weekend. Anywho, I imagine a sloth jacking off gave you honeymoonitis fer sure.

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    1. Well, now that we can gay marry, that honeymoon was kind of a waste, wasn't it? I mean, the two of us will just be going back there next month anyway.

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  5. Aw, you crazy kids! Nice selfie of you and the missus.

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    1. She cleans up nice enough that it offsets the bedhead and grungebeard.

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  6. By the look of some of those buildings I'd be scared to even touch them, just thinking about what I'd catch lol

    Glad a blast was had and that didn't include golf carts blowing up Bay style.

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    1. Between that and the food - if that didn't build up the ol' immune system, I don't know what will. Unless I end up being like Mr. Burns...

      I am indestructible!

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    2. I remember that episode

      there's a show called Soap where one the characters gets a disease named after her because she was the first known person to have it. Then she said "isn't that nice, they're naming a horrible disease after me".

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    3. Lou Gehrig - was an amazing baseball player, but is remembered most for the disease they named after him. And then kinda renamed. Double ouch.

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  7. Sounds like an amazing time!

    I am a little disturbed by the Sloth thing though. It's like the Sloth was trying to be Lust. Does it not know its sins? Maybe it was just too lazy to learn them... Because that would be Sloth... Oh.

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    1. It was also stuffed from eating a whole tree full of leaves (gluttony), which probably hindered its movement. See? Sloths are clearly the most evil of animals.

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  8. Did you look at the canal? I hear there's a canal there.

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    1. I didn't see a single canal! I'm gonna take this up with my travel agent, goddammit! Heads will roll!

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  9. A hearty congratulations once more on the wedding. It sounds like a great place to be if you can spend more than five minutes in direct sunlight. I'm not sure I can do that. But hey, if I work up the melanin necessary, I'll go for it. I especially like the idea of the boat ride in the dark and driving a golf cart up a mountain.

    I'm surprised you were able to get all that booze on the plane without being labelled a terrorist or getting molested. Maybe you were though and repressed the memory. I'm sorry if I just gave you a panic attack as you remembered the terrible and awful things the TSA did to your butthole.

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    1. Most people don't know that you can bring shooters through TSA security, since they fall under that whole small amount of liquid BS. You just can't drink on the plane (or so they say). But there's nothing stopping you from, say, buying a Coke at the airport, drinking half, throwing in a shooter or two, and having a hidden cocktail on the plane...

      And hey, have you seen how white we are? If the Panamanian sun can't melt me, it surely can't melt you.

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  10. I've seen those planes. I'm amazed they can still get off the ground.

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    1. And if you've seen the pilots, you should be amazed they return safely to the ground. "Hmmm, a wifebeater and flip flops, that's standard pilot attire, yes?"

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  11. I want a pet sloth. My daughter is terrified of them though, which is another reason to get one as a pet. I must marry losers because out of my 2 marriages I've had no honeymoons.

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    1. If you get one, just make sure it's not a masturbating sloth. That image wasn't cute. At all. - Brandon

      I've not had a honeymoon either. Maybe my wife is just a loser. I'll have to ask her later. - Bryan

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  12. I have been to Panama! I went back in 2006 but stayed on an all inclusive on the pacific side. Pretty cool to see the sun in the wrong spot:)It looks like you and the misses went for the more real style of visiting. She is very pretty-you 2 make a great couple. I laughed out loud at the cartoon of you sucked dry by Ms. mosquito who now has boobs after drinking so much blood. This is a regular occurrence up in the Canadian North. The weather change is from black fly season to mosquito season. I actually went zip lining in the forest in Panama. I saw a sloth but he was sleeping...not whacking off. It must have taken him all day considering how slow they are-he must have been pooped!

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    1. Actually that's Mr. Mosquito, who now has manboobs after ingesting all that blood. But I can understand how you might mix that up. He would make a very beautiful lady-mosquito.

      Zip lining must have been incredible. Flying in an antique plane was already terrifying enough, so we were content to spend our time on the ground.

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    2. I thought it might be a man but only female mosquitos bite so I thought she was just a fatty with small boobies...you know...a walmart mosquito

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    3. A fatty Walmart mosquito with small boobies... thank you for creating my favorite new mentally scarring image. :)

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  13. Looks like a great trip. I use my pasty legs for the same purpose. It's worked so far - never been challenged by a velociorapter. You're a very cute couple.

    I honeymooned in Victoria Id, BC. There aren't any sloths there, besides the now late ex (too soon?) husband, and I'm guessing that's why the marriage didn't take.

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    1. You honeymooned in BC? Before Christ? What was the Roman Empire like?

      As for me, I'm all about the Anno Domini.

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    2. There were lots of lights, roulette tables, and slot machines. Plus big burly body guards watching my every move very closely. Oh no, that was Cesar's Palace in Vegas. Never mind.

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  14. I was halfway through this post wondering why Brandon and Bryan went to Panama on a honeymoon. Celebrating a book? Publishing deal? Researching a new place for a story? Book conference? Honestly, I thought that first line was a joke about B&B. It wasn't until I got to the cartoon with Brandon and Heidi did I realize that this really was a honeymoon. Remove Bryan, insert Heidi. I'm still laughing.

    Despite your chronic anemia on this vacay, it looks like you (mostly) had a fantastic time. I mean, how awesome is it to lounge around the beach getting drunk out of a coconut and yelling inappropriate things to strangers? Freakin' paradise.

    BTW, you two are adorable together. Brandon and Heidi. Not Brandon and Bryan, though you guys aren't bad.;)

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    1. I'm flattered to know that I'm such of a huge part of this blog that your first thought, even when the opening sentence is about Brandon and his wife, was that this was about the two of us. Or I think I should be flattered. Just... don't make me the wife. I don't do dresses.

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  15. Looks like a great time. We went to Hawaii on our honeymoon and took our own moped tour. We went all over the place and when we stopped in a little local bar on the far side of the island, the bartender told us we were lucky we didn't get shot by guys protecting their pot fields. We stuck to the main roads after that.

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    1. That's awesome. A moped tour through cartel-infested pot fields sounds like the kind of honeymoon dreams are made of.

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  16. Happy Honeymoon! Am I to assume there was a marriage somewhere in the last little while? If so, congrats all around.

    Your destination sounded quite intriguing… particularly the bit about having to fight a parrot for a beer. My daughter has a parrotlet, Tink, and I've risked life and right hand as I've braved the changing of the seed dish. You'd think the little post-velociraptor off-spring would be a tad more appreciative.

    Loved the photo of the infested boat shed… curiosity would not be killing this cat to see the inside - I'm going to take the word of the locals that have seen and braved it. :)

    As to mosquitos, we are not usually plagued by them up here on the West Coast, however, we're having a bit of a heat wave, dripping with humidity, and the little blood suckers are giving me the once over! Ah… and they call me a nasty, tough, old bitch… really, I think not, as the mosquitos will attest - I'm sweet to the bone! LOL


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    1. Not only was there a wedding, but Bryan officiated. It was pretty awesome.

      The parrots were pretty nice. They just want your food. The owner of that particular restaurant attested that the parrots like beans and rum-soaked pineapples. Now, I wouldn't ever give Tink some rum, but this one seemed to enjoy it.

      Mosquitoes - now that's a real judge of character. "A mosquito won't even touch you. What does that say about you as a person?"

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  17. Brandon:
    Now there's a place I would not have guessed would be a honeymoon "spot" (I tend to think more like a STAIN than a spot, but both can be removed easily with Oxi Clean)
    I would think that near the canal zone would be some of the most populated.
    And to think of ALL the workers that succumbed to MALARIA digging that bugger.
    (hopefully NOW related to your local mosquitoes?

    My (first) marriage and honeymoon?
    Lemme see...was in the Pocono Mtns...very nice time.
    had some odd events, like the blindfolded newly-wed wife "leg feel".
    (see if you can "guess your new husband")
    Well, to make a long story short...of the FIVE couples, FOUR of the women chose MY leg (luckily my new wife was one of them)
    The announcer was wondering how I "got around" so much...LOL.
    (I spent a lot of time in the spa?)

    Now, back to reality (and Denver) for you two.
    Very good post and goes to show that a honeymoon can be fun (or is that just funny?)

    Stay safe out there.

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    1. It was both fun and funny, or at least I'd like to think so.

      Blind-folded leg feeling? And they say OUR generation is scandalous!

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  18. No, thanks. I wouldn't do well there. Oh. You weren't inviting me to go along on the next trip? Just as well. I can probably make it down the street to Walgreen's, and that's about it.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Sweet, we'll meet you there! You bring the hydrogen peroxide, we'll bring the diabetic testing supplies.

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  19. Congra---wait. Are you supposed to congratulate people on their Horneymoon? Seems weird but I'm not the best judge of that. What I am a good judge of? Entertainment factor. I remain astounded there is no video of the sloth masterbating. I'm assuming it's because you're working on an entire post about it. That's the only way I can get through this week quite frankly.

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    1. P.S. we married in Las Vegas so no honeymoon required: 2 birds in one sloth.

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    2. I did take video, actually. But the video came out poorly... just like the sloth. Ba dum tish. Hopefully that joke made up for the severe lack of masturbating sloth videos in this post.

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    3. I think the masturbating sloth should become a recurring character here. You can name him "Jack."

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    4. Consider that character created! We could always use a little more lowbrow around here. And because you helped, we'll give you 10% of all royalties. Now then, what's 10% of zero?

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  20. Wow! Be grateful you only had to sacrifice an eye to that bird! I hear they can be pretty merciless!

    Sounds like a lot if fun! I'm glad you weren't eaten by any jaguars (or whatever jungle cats they have there in Panama). Then again, I hear they're not particularly fond of eating bloodless prey, so those friendly mosquitoes really did you a favor.

    We went to Mexico on our honeymoon, and we loved it. And you've rarely known terror quite like riding in a top-heavy Mexican tour bus, traveling on a narrow dirt road at somewhere around the speed of sound. We didn't quite break the sound barrier, though, but we could hardly blame he driver for that. Everyone has their off days...

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    1. It isn't the jaguars you have to watch out for. It's the tribes. There are actually tribes of indigenous people out there in the jungle. I'm talking women in loin clothes with those sad, floppy National Geographic boobies. You just hope they don't catch you looking and run you through with an axe.

      I really want to go to Mexico some day, but I also don't want to get my head chopped off by the cartel. Decisions, decisions. :(

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    2. For me, it was well worth risking cartel-driven decapitation because I got to swim with dolphins. It was one of my "bucket list" items and it was awesome. I'd do it again. And I hear that the cartels don't mess with you too much so long as you know all the best routes through the desert. Just find the Singing Bush, and don't shoot the Invisible Swordsman. Rookie mistake, there.

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    3. But this $500 a day cocaine habit isn't going to feed itself. It seems like we'd just be destined to cross paths, the cartel and I.

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    4. Well, if you ever do get to Mexico-and survive-be sure to write a story about it. Because everyone knows that all the best stories start out with: "So this one time, in Mexico, I was chillin' with Rico and the other cartel guys, when Juan said: 'Rico, your garage mariachi band really sucks, man. You'll never make it to the big ti--' and that's when Juan was shot in the face with a sawed off shotgun. That crazy Rico! Always was a loose cannon!..."

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    5. Ooh! That's a great story idea. I've always wanted to use the term "loose cannon" in a story that wasn't an 80s cop show. Unless that's what the story actually is. Which would be awesome in its own right.

      "Dammit, Rico, we were supposed to be undercover! You're off the case! Turn in your badge and your shotgun."

      Naturally, Rico still has 5 more shotguns at home, solves the case on his own time (with a little help from his partner 'The Fuzz', the fat, lovable sidekick), and ends with the captain saying, "Dammit Rico, you're a pain in the ass, but you're the best damn cop we've got."

      Coming up next, on Rico and the Fuzz!

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    6. Um...I'd watch the hell out of that show! Make it happen! I'll do the theme song!

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  21. Why do airlines use words like "final descent" and "final destination?"

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    1. Because they know that either you crash and die, or you land in an airport, which is essentially Hell (the ultimate final destination)?

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  22. Well, BEER BOY BRANDON, it sounds like you absolutely DID have a memorable time. Good goin'! And isn't it amazing that one can no find micro-brewing happening just about EVERYWHERE now? And to think that I'm old enough to remember when Michelob and Henry Weinhard's Private Reserve were considered "top dogs" on any restaurant's beer list.

    >>... *No relation to Adolf Hitler, even though both men ultimately mass-produced terrible things

    Ha! But ain't that the trooth!

    I love that Private Property "buckshot in your ass" photograph! Very cool. It looks like a still from some stylish Horror movie.

    Glad you got back safe. Now may the beer-guzzling commence as scheduled!

    ~ Stephen

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    1. The beer guzzling just never stopped. It's not *good* beer over there, but you have to drink somethin'.

      I still remember a time when Miller High Life was called the champagne of beers... and people weren't being facetious when they were saying it.

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  23. I never thought of Panama as a honeymoon destination, but it sounds like you had a terrific time.. Years from now, you'll still be telling the story and laughing about the masturbating sloth. And the mosquitoes.

    Our honeymoon was free-wheeling trip down the Blue Ridge Parkway, stopping at whatever caught our fancy, and staying at all different kinds of places. (No travel agent involved, obviously.) We had a lot of fun, but cut it short because the temperatures were unbearable, and our '61 Chevy wasn't air-conditioned. Neither were some of the places we stayed.

    Our BESTEST honeymoon actually occurred later, when we met in Hawaii for R&R, or Rest & Recreation. (Or as he called it: I&I, for "intercourse and intoxication.") Because we knew he had to go back to Nam, we spent money like crazy, the one and only time we were so self-indulgent. We had an amazing time. Rented dune buggies and motorcycles to tour the island. The only downside was when we went to Don Ho's place in the International Market Place. He dedicated a song to us. Ready? It was 'Leaving on a Jet Plane." Sucky, huh?

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    1. I&I - I like that. The phrase and the actual activity. Isn't it funny how good self indulgence feels when you're normally all responsible and adult like?

      And hey, that song still beats "Hit the Road Jack."

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  24. Looks and sounds like you guys had a great time and happy honeymoon. Ken and I aren't legally married, nope we've been living in sin for almost 25 years. So no honeymoon stories. lol Good thing we live in Sin City...

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    1. How scandalous! I bet you spend your days playing slot machines* and smoking like a train, don't you?

      *aka pulling the Devil's knob

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  25. I was happy when that one guy was eaten by velociraptors but I'm glad you two weren't! I'm not married so I don't have any stories but now I know what to look for.
    Shoes that aren't flip flops for hiking.
    A golf cart.
    And a place to hide from birds because those bitches are dinosaurs.

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    1. Also, I'm pretty sure golf carts can't outrun a dinosaur, so throw in a good pair of running shoes while you're at it. You'll probably still get eaten, but it's better than trying to creep away from a dinosaur at a miserly 3 miles per hour.

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  26. Congrats on celebrating the honeymoon in such an exotic location! We had ours in the Empress Hotel in Victoria, BC, reputed to have some celebrated ghosts. We never saw any, or heard any chains dragging, but I can see why they were haunted. The room service had nice dishes, the food not so much, mostly burned. This was an old-time top of the line railway hotel, where the rail magnates stayed. The afternoon tea was expensive but impressive and much better than the room service (if you don't mind being surrounded by white haired ladies staring at you if you are dressed too casual. . .) We celebrated an anniversary in Paris however -- so all's good. Funny about the beer guys meeting beer guys from the old home town. . .

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    1. That sounds like a pretty cool place for a honeymoon. My cousin had her honeymoon in Estes Park, CO and stayed at the Stanley Hotel (the hotel Stephen King used for The Shining, which is supposedly haunted). They even stayed in the "haunted" rooms. You know, haunted or not, I'm not sure I'd actually want to see ghosts on my honeymoon. Three's a crowd, right?

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  27. Not to sound like a princess, but that trip makes my honeymoon to KFC sound like the deluxe package.

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    1. If you upgraded to a combo, though, we practically had the exact same experience.

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  28. Hey, didn't you get married LAST YEAR. Just getting 'round to a honeymoon, NOW? or are you making this an annual thing?

    Well, whatever, it sounds as though it was memorable. Me I'm all for that. why take a boring ole vacay t someplace typical. Go for the gusto, even if it involves eye pecking parrots, blown out flip flops, and death threats on a friendly neighborhood hike. Sounds a lot like where I used to live.

    Cute 'selfie' of you and the missus. Glad to see you still enjoying married life and each other - after almost a whole long year.

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    1. Touristy shit IS boring. Off the beaten path - even if it means breaking a flip flop and running from a shotgun in the process - is where it's at.

      And yes, they've been married nine whole months and finally got around to their honeymoon. What a bunch of lazy assholes.

      Sincerely,
      The guy who's been married almost five years and still hasn't gotten around to his

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  29. At least you had fun - in spite of the very large mosquitos.

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    1. If anything, they added to the experience. It's not every day you go on vacation and lose 10 lbs.

      (Of blood)

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  30. Your trip sounds both horrifying and fun, nephew!

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    1. Oh hey, Aunt L! Thanks for dropping by and welcome to "the dark side" (a Google account).

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  31. I saw those mosquitoes in that movie 'The Land of the Lost.' They do have one thing going for them: They are big enough to shoot. With a gun. And, hey, with climate change, they may be in Denver in a few years!

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    1. If any horrific insects are going to hop continents, it should be those Asian giant hornets that attack to kill. Fire a shotgun at a cloud of those things and the only thing you do is slow your inevitably agonizing death.

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  32. Due to 67 comments and a very tiny geographic distribution, all I have is, "Flip flops are bad choices for anything involved in moving."

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    1. Most days, they're not even viable options for walking. I'm more of a tennis shoe guy, myself. But when being a dorky tourist on a beach...

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  33. Glad you guys survived! Welcome back!

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    1. Thanks! It's nice to be back in a place where the mosquitoes have the decency to at least leave you a few pints of blood.

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  34. Congratulations Brandon and Heidi. Sounds like a great place to honeymoon. I trust that, in fact, they provided mosquito nets for you. I'm so happy you found a good beer too. I would love to visit that part of the world. By the way, next time try gin and tonic, excellent mosquito repellent.

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    1. I'm going to have to remember that. Rum and coconut is tasty but it certainly didn't protect us. And no, no nets, but that's only because we got well sealed buildings that didn't need them. Outdoors, though? We were fair game, and those suckers ate like kings.

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  35. Sounds like an interesting trip, minus the mosquitoes of course. I don't take kindly to those little creatures sucking my blood. Did you see the rainforest? I have a friend who has family there and she said the rainforest is amazing. Nice pics!

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    1. The rainforest area is incredible. It actually contains a lot of indigenous tribes. We saw some, from afar, but didn't want to say hi. Something about being burned at the stake while they chant "white devil" just didn't seem appealing.

      (I'm sure they're all nice, but rather not find out) :)

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  36. Hi. I dropped by from the UK and flipping heck, 82 comments. This will be lost. Oh maybe i could lose myself here in your comments. No one will find me. Oh and there's beer, sun, a microbrewery and vacation time. I'll stay. Have a great honeymoon. Don't mind me loitering here.

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    1. Forgot to say, try to see the new canal whilst it's empty. A friend walked in it recently. It looked awesome.

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    2. Well hey there! We'll probably get another barrage of comments before this post is done with, but yours will definitely not be lost. Our comments, like children, are all special to us. You know, all 100-something of them. And people can say otherwise, but we definitely have favorite children. So welcome to the favorites club.

      I guess we missed out on the canal, but as my mother-in-law likes to say, as long as I have Google Images, there's no place in the world I can't see.

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  37. Congratulations sweet honeymooners,
    I bet you explored like naughty racoons,
    Spotted wildlife and dolphins in the sea,
    Like playful lovebirds who happily roamed free,
    I'm thrilled you trekked out, highballed and whoopeed!

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    1. We didn't explore like raccoons, but I sure did give her the raccoon. Gotta keep things classy.

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  38. Panama's definitely a unique honeymoon destination. I hope the biodiversity more than made up for the lack of beer-o-diversity. Did you guys have any issues with the language barrier or did you know enough Spanish to get by?

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    1. My Spanish is, how you say, "muy un-bueno," but the wife speaks it really well because of her teaching gig, so she got us around pretty well. The touristy areas are pretty English-friendly, but the rest? Not so much.

      At least I could order my own beer. "Una cerveza, por favor." My high school Spanish teacher would be proud (ish).

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  39. Panamá necesita más risas . Beauty - they've got that covered!

    You're a lovely couple and deserving of this beautiful getaway.

    My honeymoon story? We both had been married briefly (to others, of course) before. When it came to the nuts and bolts of a wedding, it was getting more and more expensive and the "enjoyment" factor was rapidly decreasing.

    In a stroke of brilliance, we got up early on Saturday and drove to Gatlinburg, TN, and got hitched. My two sons (#3 was not even a twinkle yet) were "ring bearers." Honeymoon? I guess we technically spent it at the Pancake House...and they we went home and called family members with the news. It was fun to hear how loud a person yelled, "WHAAAATTT? But we wanted to be there!!!" Deed is done, people.

    I have no complaints. Twenty years later - we're good.

    You have been given an award on my blog today! Stop by and check it out when you can and congrats!

    The Creative Blogger Award

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    1. Crap...I messed up the link...html, my eye...go here, ha ha:

      http://www.cherdoontheflipside.com/2015/06/creative-blogger-award.html

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    2. As long as you're happily married, that's all that matters. I (Bryan) never even so much as hit up the Pancake House after ours and we're still as happy as ever 5 years later. A honeymoon is just the icing on the cake (or perhaps the syrup on the pancake), so I know my cohort enjoyed his, but it wasn't something they needed to be happy.

      Besides, who needs a fancy honeymoon when you've got a blog award to keep you warm at night? I'm going to name mine Tomas, and the wife's going to have to do some serious ass-kissing to earn her spot in the bed back. For now it belongs to Tomas.

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  40. It's been so long since I've visited blogspot that your entire art style has changed. :) Congrats on the honeymoon

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    1. Thanks! Not only do we have hands, but we have facial features! My how the time flies when you're growing proper limbs.

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  41. I love golf carts - that might be the best part of any honeymoon I'd venture to take, oops, guess you have to get married first, (smile). Love the photo of you and Heidi - congratulations!

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    1. It really makes it so much easier to carry the bride over the threshold with a golf cart, especially after a long day of flip-flop hiking.

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  42. Congratulations!! It's so nice to see pictures of who I'm stalking...I mean following for so long. Sounds like you two had a great time. WOW! Panama. I give you credit for going somewhere you didn't know much about. But not having expectations was probably the best part about it. BTW, I was cracking up at the cartoons with the mosquito. That is hilarious. It's a skit in itself. The boat house looks like an infested venereal disease hangout. I use my pasty legs to blind anyone coming toward me. It works... and also keeps rodents away. I guess white doesn't look appetizing.

    We went to the Italian Riviera for our honeymoon. There was an island across the way from Portovenere, where we stayed, and we decided to take a leisurely walk around this island. The leisurely sandal walk turned into rock climbing, sweating, rain, and a few expletives. But we made it and downed a few glasses of wine.

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    1. A few glasses of wine* help everything down.

      *beer

      You mean you haven't seen any of the other pictures of us we've got floating around here? We need to post live action more often, then. If only because it, uh, adds to the quality (and by that I mean saves the artist time by being lazy).

      I have never been bitten by a rat, so I'm gonna chalk that up to the white legs, and I'm going to use that next time someone asks why I don't tan. I've got ankles to defend.

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  43. That looks and sounds amazing! I'm so super jealous!

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    1. Sure beat a jump in the ball pit at McDonald's!

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  44. The biggest question in my mind is, how did a guy like you convince that wonderful young woman to actually marry you? Was making good on your threat to take her to Panama enough to convince her? Do you think it would work for me if my wife kicked my sorry ass out of the house? Inquiring minds want to know? Are mosquitoes descended from velociraptors? So many questions I have for someone who has actually left his home county. Mas cervezas por favor!

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    1. 1) It's kinda like having a pet; you just take them hostage and love them until they love you back.
      2) She was the one who threatened me.
      3) Kidnapping her and taking her to Panama would probably solve all of your problems.
      4) Mosquitoes are descended from ancient politicians.

      Feel free to ask as many questions as you want. We're practically experts.

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  45. I heard the chupracabra vacations there.

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    1. I found his withered husk, sucked dry by mosquitoes. He was all hype.

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    1. My favorite pick is either my wife or my nose.

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  47. I'm so glad I now know how to discuss "explosive diarrhea" in Spanish. I took espanol in high school and college, and that subject was never covered. I'm also glad that your pasty legs protected you from velociraptors. It must've been terrifying driving up a mountain in a golf cart. Sounds like you had an incredible honeymoon adventure! Thanks for letting us join in on the fun!

    Julie

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    1. We're glad to help your Spanish along. May you use it well in your next trip to Taco Bell.

      And traveling up a mountain in a golf cart isn't terrifying. It's pretty exhilarating. Which is probably the only time a golf cart has ever been considered exhilarating.

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  48. I want to tango with a chupacabra husk on a deserted beach, laughing as the mosquitoes zoom past me to reach anyone or anything else. They hate me they does. It makes me happy.

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    1. I'm envious of you. I wish I was naturally a mosquito repellent, but they love me. Or maybe I've just turned them into alcoholics since my blood is mostly beer.

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  49. Sounds like an exciting trip. By the way, you are a very cute couple.

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    1. Thanks! I hope you're talking about Heidi and me and not Bryan and me, but... a compliment's a compliment.

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  50. You guys look so happy! And I fucking love the parrot picture. We actually didn't take a honeymoon, per se, but have had some interesting trip experiences. How long have you had the beard?

    As for the mosquitoes, I've had this lifelong theory that they liked me better than the average bear. And lo and behold, science proved me right: they love women with type O blood.

    BTW, I told my little bro to check out your blog. I think he aspires to be you guys.

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    1. The beard comes and goes depending on the day. Shave it off and it just comes right back. Thus the permanent stubble in the cartoon - that's just how it looks freshly shaved.

      It's not hard to be us. Just be two adults drawing cartoons and writing funnybooks while your parents secretly pray that you grow up.

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  51. Love your blog. I am a regular reader and fan of your work. I wanted to ask a question if it's okay. Did Yoki ever recover the use of his back legs?
    I have been reading through your archives and I just read the post about your dog Yoki. Can you update us on his condition? I hope he is well now.

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    1. Oh hey! And thanks for the comment. Questions are very much NOT okay, but I'll answer yours anyway (I'm kidding. Questions are always welcome!).

      Yoki's doing very well. She regained the use of her back legs months before the vet said she would, and hasn't had a single problem since. She's just as strong, if not stronger than ever.

      Now I take her on daily walks to keep her legs strong and she takes me on daily walks to help me fight off obesity. It's a mutually beneficial relationship.

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    2. Oh, she is a beauty and she looks really strong and fit now. Thanks for the update and the photo. (I love dogs, in case you couldn't tell.)

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  52. Oops. I meant "She" and "Her". Sorry Yoki.

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    1. That's okay, my mom has called her "him" for years now... no matter how many times I correct her. I blame it on the epic facial hair.

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  53. Uh, well, my husband and I got to sleep on my parents' living room floor with all my friends (not in an orgy kind of way), because my delightful mother-in-law refused to give up our bedroom on our wedding night. Not a honeymoon, but we didn't really get one. I guess that's what happens when you get married at 18. All of our money had gone into moving to Oregon. However, my parents gifted us several nights at a hotel on the Oregon coast, and we were plenty happy with that. Our 20 year anniversary is coming up next year, so we're thinking maybe Savannah, GA, a place we've wanted to visit for awhile. From what I've heard, the mosquitoes will be similar to yours!

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    1. Glad to hear you'll get some redemption on that lost honeymoon! And can I just say that "not in an orgy kind of way" is the best kind of sidenote explanation for anything.

      Just spent 10 hours in the pool with my cousins (but not in an orgy kind of way).

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    2. Glad to hear you'll get some redemption on that lost honeymoon! And can I just say that "not in an orgy kind of way" is the best kind of sidenote explanation for anything.

      Just spent 10 hours in the pool with my cousins (but not in an orgy kind of way).

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