Monday, June 22, 2015

Doing The Swirl For Sexual Profit

Once upon a time ago you guys asked us a ton of questions. Every other week(ish) we make an attempt at answering them. We're finally toward the end of the pile, and present to you our penultimate set of answers. Let's get down to it!

Joy Christi: If you each HAD TO pick one profession, besides writer/author/playwrite/scribe from which to draw inspiration for your stories, what would that be? Online match-maker, mayhaps? Writing Retreat Planner/Torture Dungeon Designer?


Brandon: Bartender in a run-down bar in a shitty part of town. Definitely not for the humor, but for the horror stories, this kind of scenery is ripe for the pickings.
Bryan: If you want horror AND humor, I'd work at an old folks home. They say things that are hilarious. They say things that are horrifying. They say things that are hilariously horrifying. What more could you want?


Rachel: Professional question: How do you copyright shit?

Seriously? We have no fucking idea. We imagine you have to send it via carrier pigeon and just pray your copyright makes it successfully through the hordes of undead before it finally lands in Mordor, where an anorexic goblin drops it into a volcano. Or something like that.

(Actually, we don't need to copyright anything ourselves. Under U.S. law, anything written in a fixed form – including an ebook or paperback book – is automatically copyrighted.)

Fun question: What do you do for fun? You know, besides having a beer in the shower.

Brandon: My hobbies change pretty often, but tend to lean to the outdoorsy (last year was axe-making, this year is munitions-loading). Next year will probably be getting into fly-tying or something like that. But main staples are hiking, camping, and frequenting the occasional dive bar.
Bryan: For being a dorky writer, all of my hobbies are oddly jockish. I like Thai boxing and working on cars, so in my free time I'm either punching BOB (my Body Opponent Bag) or working on one of my cars. My pride and joy is a 510 horsepower twin turbo Ford Taurus that's as fast as a Lambo... and let me tell you, you haven't lived until you've smoked some angry old guy with a $100,000 supercar in a family sedan.

Also, what is the stupidest thing either of you have ever done?

Brandon: I went rafting once without a vest and got sucked into a churning hydro-dam. That's the first thing that comes to mind. I've done plenty of stupid stuff but have managed to survive it all so far.
Bryan: One time, while buying a video game system, the cashier said, "Enjoy your new system!" and my automatic response was, "You too!" I realized what I'd said, turned my head away in embarrassment, and ran off. Now, this may not seem like a big deal, but 15 years later and I STILL THINK ABOUT IT CONSTANTLY.

Now every single time I'm in a situation like this - "Enjoy the movie!" or "Have a nice flight!" there's this dark, nagging voice in the corner of my brain that says, "You know what you should say? YOU TOO."

Holy Ghost Writer: Did you get a spray tan or roll in white paint for your new header?

Brandon: As writers that never see the light of day, you may underestimate our whiteness.
Bryan: I don't like to brag, but I'm so white that the reflection off of my bare skin can melt snow.

Denise Baer: If you found out that an author you liked didn't share the same ideals in life as you, would you stop associating/reading that author's works?

Brandon: That's a tricky one. I think that as far as being products of their generation, I would have to say no on dissing writers of the past. For example, H.P. Lovecraft was racist as fuck, but managed to write, in my opinion, some of the best short stories of all time. I have a much harder time with that with the contemporary ones, though. Like Orson Scott Card. Decent writer, but I just can't bring myself to respect anything that bigoted twat ever writes again. Back to the question, I think a lot of those "ideals" tend to show through in a writer's writing (especially in these days where subtlety is a lost art), which really just turns me off being interested in their work anyway.
Bryan: I don't read James Patterson because he's a book-shitting, megalomaniac twat that uses other people to write his own books as a way of creating some kind of ridiculous empire. But I also don't read James Patterson because all of his books are terrible. A lot of times that kind of personal shittiness goes hand in hand with their books' shittiness.

Briefs or boxers?


Bryan: Anything that's not man panties, aka whitey-tighties. Boxer-briefs. The best of both worlds.
Brandon: Boxer briefs are good, except in the summer time, when the dreaded swamp-ass returns.
Bryan: In that case all of the above, but also none of the above.

D.G. Hudson: What do you really think about living in Colorado? Has it made you a better writer, a la Hunter S.?

Brandon: Colorado is awful. Tell all of your friends and family it's awful. Whatever you do... Do...not...move...here. Please.
Bryan: Yeah, go away people that constantly move here! So they say write what you know, and we know Colorado. Naturally we set a lot of our novels here, and I think it adds a unique charm to the story. It's a cool place. Sure, we have a lot of hipsters and we're the home of Coors (the Pee of Beers), but we also have gorgeous mountains, a thriving city, and some amazing craft beer. And it sure beats setting all of our novels in a place like Wyoming.*

*Sorry Wyoming readers, but we've both been there and you know it's true

Julie: 1) What is the "swirl" on Seinfeld, and have either one of you had success with George's move? 2) Bryan and Brandon, have you ever pulled a Cyrano de Bergerac to help each other on dates?

We're glad you asked that! Because both of these questions are actually correlated.

First off, the "swirl" is the most erotic movement that a man can make, and he has to be careful in doing so, not just because he could overwhelm his lady with his hip-melting powers, but he could also shatter his pelvis from the sheer G-force exerted by his circular thrusting.

And second, we always helped each other out during dates, Cyrano de Bergerac style. As they say, two heads are better than one.











And that, kids, is how I met your mother. 


Candice: 1) What is your most favorite book of all time? I'm talking the book that you could read over and over again and get something new out of it every single time and never get tired of it? 

Brandon: I think that title changes with my mood, but right now I'd have to say it's a toss-up between Toole's A Confederacy of Dunces and King's The Shining.
Bryan: What's Eating Gilbert Grape? I've read it 3 times now, and I still don't know what's eating him. Is it E.Coli? Necrosis? Swamp monsters? Who knows? Really though, it's a wonderful mix of comedy and drama and certainly an inspiration for my own writing.

2) All-Time favorite movie? 

Brandon: Pulp Fiction. I think I finally figured out what's in that damn briefcase. But I'm not telling.
Bryan: The Room. It's the worst movie on the planet, in that it's so bad it's gut-bustingly hilarious. If you haven't seen it, watch it. I can watch that movie once a year and still laugh just as hard... Every. Single. Time.

3) Do you believe in ghosts, and have you ever had any experiences that reinforced that belief? 

Brandon: Yes and yes, with multiple firsthand encounters. And I'm not some ghost-hunting dipshit who watches too much TV, either. Just happen to be in the right places at the right time, I guess.
Bryan: My wife once saw my dead childhood cat in my old childhood home and described him to me in perfect detail, including his personality, without having ever knew he existed. She thought he was alive. He had been dead for years. So... yes, I believe.

4) You guys have known each other for a VERY long time, so I'm sure you've taken a more than one road trip together. Share the story of your most memorable road trip(s)! 

Probably moving Brandon back from Chicago to Denver. We drove over 1,000 miles in the span of 2 days, attended a funeral (in which the priest gave us nasty glances because he somehow thought we were gay), and passed through such awful road-trip states as Iowa and Nebraska. We finished the trip without wanting to kill each other, and if that isn't true friendship, we don't know what is.

5) How many brothers/sisters do each of you have? Are you close to your families? 

Bryan: I'm an only child. I wrecked my mom so bad on the way out that she had to get an emergency hysterectomy. Regardless of that, she still loves me, so you could say we're pretty close.
Brandon: One sibling, but we don't talk. It's for the best.

6) If you guys could form your own garage band, what instruments would you play, and who would you recruit to be in the band with you? Oh, and most important of all: what would you call yourselves? 

Brandon: Our band would be Pregnant Scandinavian Workforce, and my weapon of choice would be a two-necked guitar named Gorgoncock.
Bryan: Naturally, I would play the flaming keytar while dazzling our four person audience with my heavenly falsetto.

Robyn: I like hearing about your younger days. Did you ever crush on the same girl/s? Ever double date? Ever trade "how to impress a chick" tips? Do tell.

Neither of us have crushed on the same girl, or awkwardly tried to date the same lady. Bro code and all of that. Plus, we have different tastes in women. But I'll tell you what, we have definitely saved each other's bacon more than a few times when it comes to dating the wrong woman.





Because an okay friend will help you get over a bad date, but a real friend will help you bury the body.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Halestorm
Beer: Blue Ski Lager (Epic Brewing)


117 comments:

  1. Now I want to know where you buried the body.
    If I moved my hips like that I would dislocate something.
    I have to agree with you about the writers. I can separate some of it (like appreciating Tom Cruise as an actor while thinking he is batshit crazy in real life) but often crazy values come through in the writing and then I draw the line.

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    1. I've got ice packs on my hips and I'm confined to a wheelchair, but... WORTH IT.

      Also, it's true, Tom Cruise might be the only batshit insane person whose work I don't hate. You hear that, Jaden Smith? There's still time. You have a chance. But you have to stop doing really shitty movies and being a terrible actor.

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  2. Damn, "munitions-loading"? I look forward to the upcoming post, "How Brandon Learned How to Type With Only Three Fingers."
    A Confederacy of Dunces is a great choice. And it's a tapeworm that's eating ol' Gilby Grapes.
    Nice try on the Colorado front, but it's the modern gold-rush over there. You just have to weather the tsunami of white guys with dreadlocks flooding your good streets.

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    1. As someone who knows a white guy with dreadlocks... excuse me while I laugh myself into a dry heaving fit.

      And we always figured if Brandon lost some fingers it would be from the axe-making, but who knows? He's got plenty of dangerous hobbies. And plenty of fingers... for now.

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  3. I have to make my focus so fast I smoke sports cars. This is now #1 on my to do list.

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    1. There are people who have been known to throw gigantic V8 muscle car engines in a tiny Focus. The result is both hilarious and bad ass. I would totally rock one of these, if only for the sound of a muscle car coming out of this tiny grocery getter.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pELyuges29I

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  4. Well I didn't have time to read all that, I will have to come back. I loved the hip swivelling bit. Sorry swirl. And yes, where did you bury the body and did she come back to haunt you?

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    1. We have yet to find someone who doesn't love the swirl. It's just overall a great move. Who needs flowers, or candy, or diamond rings when you can have awkward hip gyration?

      And we buried her in the Pet Cemetary, which only seems to affect animals. So she didn't come back to life, but we are currently battling a pretty nasty invasion of zombie hamsters.

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  5. I didn't think the Cyrano story could get any creepier, but congrats! Love the gifs especially.

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    1. Well, we figured we should update it for modern times. And yes, let's not pretend that a big nosed weirdo walking someone through a date isn't creepy regardless of the era.

      "Quick, Cyrano, what do I do now?"
      "Honey, why are you talking to a man in the bushes while we're making love?"

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  6. As per usual with these posts there's a whole lot to read and so I obviously can't respond to anything. But hey I did read it all. I hope that copyright thing exists over here too. Don't tell anyone but I just throw the copyright symbol in to everything I write in the hopes people genuinely believe it's copyrighted. Something tells me that actually does work. Like fake security cameras. I haven't met a ghost yet (to the best of my knowledge) but my friend's ex said she once had a dream about my house and managed to describe it in perfect detail so that was a cool moment for me. My own views on the supernatural and beyond are pretty screwy and often contradictory though. I believe in ghosts, an afterlife, AND reincarnation. How the fuck does that even work?

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    1. I'm pretty sure it applies to you. The basis is generally that if anyone tries to plagiarize your writing you can prove that you wrote it first, sue their asses off, and win both fame and money. Which probably wouldn't ever happen, but at least you know your ass is safe.

      And hey, nothing wrong with believing what you believe in. I believe what I believe because of firsthand experiences, not because someone told me I should believe it and not because I read it out of a book or on the Internet and said, "Yep, that's the definitive answer!"

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    2. As authors you should know just as well as me that a book wouldn't lie to you. There is no such thing as a bad book. Just terrible, terrible authors. Stop victim blaming books you guys. Srs.

      Okay I'm not serious but I couldn't resist. I smell a Tumblr movement here.

      Delete
    3. Don't be a transphobic fat shaming gender hater. You're triggering me hard, bro.

      Delete
  7. This one was especially hilarious. I laughed, I cried, it was better than Cats. Both the broadway show and the prissy domesticated animal. So many comments, so little time.
    Seeing The Swirl .gif'ed is the gift I never knew I wanted, thank you.
    I agree about old people and their stories. The town I used to live in, and probably a lot of towns in the world, have events at the VFW. I HIGHLY recommend you go to there. They had blood drives where the veterans would make you pancakes for donating blood. Those gents were the bees knees wearing cat's pyjamas with an onion tied to their belts, which was the style at the time. Great stories, they want you to have beer with pancakes RIGHT AFTER donating blood at 10:00 am, and you feel like you did a great thing.
    Speaking of hilarious geezers, this feel like the right time to tell you to watch the movie "Bubba HoTep" LOOK INTO IT.
    If you only ever watch one Elvis vs The Mummy movie? Let Bubba HoTep be it.

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    1. As a big Bruce Campbell fan I don't know how the hell I missed Bubba HoTep. Consider that on my 'to-watch' list.

      Also, I know all about the joys of the VFW. My favorite VFW memory is an old guy telling me all about how in Vietnam a 14-15 year old Vietnamese boy was stalking him and trying to kill him because the boy knew he had run out of ammo, so he had to hide in a tree, and then when the boy was walking underneath he jumped down on him and stabbed him to death with his knife, because it was either the boy or him. Oh, good times.

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  8. "Died doing what she loved: Brandon" - I laughed out loud at that one, bwahahahaha.

    The question & answer posts are great; I love them.

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    1. Well, we think she loved it. Women gurgle and choke on their own vomit when they're enjoying themselves, right?

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  9. The pictures were really good on this one. A+

    The words were crap.

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    1. Except Pregnant Scandinavian Workforce. That was funny.

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    2. I blame this post being written by James Patterson's ghost writers. But I bet you couldn't tell this was all written by 8 year old Chinese children shackled to a radiator, so they get an A+ in that regard. No food, though. Some American woman said your words were crap, children, so you don't eat tonight.

      Delete
  10. I love visiting your state and hiking there. If my children weren't grown and settled here, I would become one of the invasive species out there.
    Agreed about Patterson and Orson Scott Card. There's more than a few idiots in the old guard of science fiction writers.
    Munitions loading? There's a hobby for that?

    Susan Says

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    1. You know what's funny? That for all of the people that move here, the numbers of hikers and campers never seem to increase. No idea why.

      And yes, there's a hobby for pretty much everything. I still feel like it beats collecting toe nails or stuffing mice, though.

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  11. Patterson is such a douche, getting ghostwriters to write everything. Yet he still makes a ton of dough. At least nutso Mel Gibson doesn't phone it in or get a beaver to do all his talking for him...wait a minute.

    Hope no one ever finds the body. If I moved my hips like that there would be no moving for a few weeks lol If Brandon likes hiking and camping so much, does the being so white from staying inside and being writers still hold true?

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    1. I would rather read a book written by an antisemitic beaver with a cigar than I would anything by James Patterson.

      Oh, and we both love camping and hiking, but the places we go are usually high up in the mountains and full of trees, so no real sun exposure. If anything, it's usually cold. No great summer tan awaits us this year.

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  12. Bryan you need to take that Taurus on "Street Outlaws". You could kick some ass! And Brandon, I want to be a low budget bartender too only serving beer and wine. Those fancy drinks are too time consuming and take away from real conversation.

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    1. What do I look like, Paul Walker? Save the flaming corpse for someone else. :)

      And one time, at a party, I was forced to be bartender. I found that if you have a great personality and admit that you don't know how to make a damn thing, people will be surprisingly accommodating. I... don't think that would work at a real bar, though. Unless you have rockin' jugs. I do not.

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  13. I'm thrilled to see the ending, especially, of this post. Thank you for a wonderfully entertaining answer to my question. I need a friend like that to help me recuperate from loving too much. That IS a true friend.

    Excellent special effects with the swirl bit too!

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    1. Why thank you! Now that we've tripled our budget*, we can give our readers those dazzling Hollywood special effects you see above.

      *0 x 3 = 0

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  14. With the swirl, is that a hip popping out or something gone the other way? Do I really want to know?

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    1. To correct any broken or disfigured bones, simply swirl in the opposite direction until the desired effect is achieved.

      Delete
  15. "One time, while buying a video game system, the cashier said, "Enjoy your new system!" and my automatic response was, "You too!" I realized what I'd said, turned my head away in embarrassment, and ran off." <-- it's an automatic response, I do this on a daily basis. At this point I just give up.

    Bryan, I challenge your paleness to a duel. No one is whiter than I am. Unless you've crossed over from pale to transparent.

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    1. Challenge accepted! You see the central background of this blog? It's merely a picture of my own skin up close. Your move.

      Delete
  16. Loved this post.

    I stepped in the "You too" landmine on Thursday. And the worst is that people are so nice about it. ;-)

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    1. I love how they just end up smiling at you like you're handicapped. I'm not, I swear! I just rely on my autopilot WAY too much for my own good.

      Delete
  17. Once I learned that Colorado led the US in deaths caused by mosquitoes, I knew I'd never step foot inside that state. I can hardly deal with the mosquitoes in Mass. Though, my step-brother lives in Denver, and he loves it there.

    Also, Denise Baer's question is the reason I don't try to read too much into authors' backgrounds. I've made the mistake of following authors of some of my favorite books on Facebook and Twitter only to wind up having to unfollow them because they're unbearably irritating in real life. Won't stop me from reading their future books, though.

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    1. Do we really lead the US in mosquito-related deaths? And people wonder why we don't go outside.

      Also, we won't name any names, but we have an author friend who just doesn't understand why she can't get any readers. Meanwhile, the only time she's ever on her official Facebook page (not her private one, but her author page) all she can talk about is who she voted for and how anyone who voted differently is a complete fucking moron, and how if you aren't a staunch feminist you're just a patriarch loving sexist, and how anyone who believes in any kind of religion is an uninformed bigot, etc, etc. Name calling those who don't agree with you - that's how you make friends.

      But hey, who needs an author platform when you can whittle it down into a really shitty soapbox?

      Delete
  18. There are too many things to respond to here. I think my brain just overloaded. Something's running out of my ears, at any rate.

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    1. If it's brain matter, just shove it back in with a Q-tip. If it's blood, consult a doctor immediately.

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  19. This made me laugh way too much! But you know what Bryan? I totally get that "you too." voice in your head. This one time in middle school, this girl called me up way too early in the morning to wish me cause it was my birthday. I didn't wake up. The. She called again, by which time I'd managed to groggily sit up and locate the phone that was making the noise. Then I picked it up and didn't let her say a word, not even hello. I just said "Happy birthday!!" In this very excited voice. And then an awkward pause later, I realized it was my birthday, not hers. And that still haunts me every time someone wishes me happy birthday. My head just knows that someone is about to wish me happy bithday and i have this urge to intercept them and wish them first. And all of the answers on this one were so funny. And awesome. :D great post!

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    1. That's hilariously mortifying. And I don't know what's worse, saying something like that automatically, or just never forgiving yourself for it, even though it's such a tiny, stupid thing that's pretty understandable considering you had just woken up.

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  20. Old people do say the funniest things. I heard quite a few when I volunteered in a nursing home.

    Interesting about the ghost cat!

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    1. Probably my favorite part was them always mistaking me for an employee, and then getting sad/mad when I wasn't rushing over to help them change their depends. Sorry, old lady, not in my job description. Literally. Because I don't work here.

      Also, that could be a 1980s action show: GHOST CAT: HE'S BACK, AND THIS TIME IT'S PURRRR-SONAL.

      Delete
  21. >>... Brandon: Bartender in a run-down bar in a shitty part of town. Definitely not for the humor, but for the horror stories, this kind of scenery is ripe for the pickings.

    Brandon is going to dig my next blog bit (which I've been collecting photos for going on 4 days now).

    Run-down bars in a shitty part of town? That's my language you're yakking, Brandon! God help me, but something inside me pulls me into those places. Always have. There's just something about a dive that appeals to me. Maybe it's that "waiting-for-the-other-shoe-to-drop" feeling. I have been in some of the most decrepit bars imaginable in the downtown Los Angeles area. (Not the "nice" part of downtown Los Angeles, but that part where even the Hollywood studios don't like to go to film.)

    And a little over 3 months in Reno now, I've found some real winners (a.k.a. losers). Reno's a great place for gin joints and hooch parlors. An' I got some photos.

    >>... Rachel: Professional question: How do you copyright shit?

    I would start with urine and work your way up. Copyrighting shit can be a bit tricky and messy.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Fun fact: one of my favorite parts of visiting Chicago was seeing the dive bars. Colorado has some good shitholes, but Chicago really takes the (urinal) cake in that regard. It's fantastic.

      If a bar has chandeliers and serves you beer in a glass like this, then it's probably too fancy for either of our tastes.

      We'll both be on the look out for that next blog bit.

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  22. I get the Wyoming joke, but obviously neither of you have ever been to Jackson. Like some of the very best parts of Colorado. I also get the part about requesting no new people move there. After 20+ years in the mountain towns, I had to go somewhere a little less populated, and a little less populated with Californians. Ha! Of course, how was I to know that the place I lived would have become the town of 'high profits'. Man am I ever in the wrong business.

    I have to admit these were some of your best questions/answers. I like best the one about friendship. It's true the best friends will always help you bury the bodies, or better.

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    1. No disrespect intended toward Wyoming. We know it has plenty of places that don't suck, and Jackson is beautiful, but it'd hardly be the kind of place we could set ALL of our novels, especially since a lot of them take place in the city. Colorado has the best of both worlds, which is cool in that we can set one story in the heart of the city, and then the next in the suburbs, and then another in a quaint mountain town.

      As for the constant swarm of people... you should see the highways here. It's only a matter of time before we're the new Los Angeles. On one particular occasion it took me over 2 hours to get to Brandon's house (it's about 25 minutes away normally) because the highway had turned into a parking lot. I shut off my car for 15 solid minutes. No accidents. No stalls. Just pure congestion (and stupidity).

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  23. BOB (my Body Opponent Bag) ... he looks rather helpless with no arms and no legs. What's the point? He does have a great tan though, (smile).

    "Briefs or boxers?" Does this mean thongs are on the table? Never mind, a picture just came to mind - what with a sneezing penis and all. It would make a sound like a single string violin. Eek.

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    1. That was so disgustingly visual... you'd be perfect as a writer here. You're hired!

      You know what? I've been fighting BOB for years and I still can't win. I'll hit that guy for hours, and at the end of it my knuckles will be all bruised up (even with gloves) yet he won't have a single blemish or scratch.

      Look at me - I'm so bad at Thai boxing I can't even beat up a quadriplegic.

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  24. I would have to say I learned more about you guys in this post than any other previous post. Or, did I?

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    1. I feel like you should have already known that we were murderous sexual deviants that laugh at the misfortunes of old people.

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  25. If my hubby swirled his hips like that I would be visiting him in the hospital and laughing at his response to the Dr's question of how he got so hip damaged. Old people are quite funny since my mom lives in long term care. She calls the lounge the "death lounge." One woman was just yelling at my mom and my mom was telling her to keep quiet. When my mom left, said death lounge, she looked at the woman and said "You're insane" and kept on walking. Another time, I just left my mom's room and a psw was helping an elderly man down the hall when his pants just fell down to his knees. he just kept non trying to walk while the psw was trying to get him to stop so she could pull them back up. Oh you boys crack me up. Glad you hid the body really well:)

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    1. Senile old people really are like adult babies, aren't they? They're not all there, they have no filter, they make a lot of messes, and running around naked doesn't faze them nearly as much as the adults supervising them.

      I only spent time in an old folks home once, to visit a friend's grandmother, and it was just beyond bizarre. Most of them thought that I worked there, and would bark weird orders at me. One old lady started to cry because she kept asking for me to bring her another lunch tray, saying, "Sir? Why are you ignoring me? I told you I don't like this lunch. I'd like another. Sir?" So I had to flag someone down to help her. It was kind of funny, it was kind of sad, and thus I learned the value of tragicomedy.

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  26. B&B:
    That was one HILARIOUS set of Q&A...fantastic.
    So refreshing to see people who know HOW to "bare their soul", as it were.
    But really?
    A 500+ BHP TAURUS???
    Doesn't all that torque wanna tear that trans-axle the hell OUT?
    Love to turn you loose on my Firebird...see if 'ya can get it to do 200 MPH (with a V6)...bwahahaha!
    (got the vintage article from Car & Driver...it CAN be done, but w/ a V8)

    Those "love" stories...better than war stories, squeezed her TOO hard...LMAO!
    And I had a hunch at least ONE of you was an ONLY child...as am I and my wife.

    I know...no one to BLAME things on growing up, except the family pet (and that never works unless it's a excretory situation...lol)

    Great post.

    Stay safe out there where the air IS thinner, guys.

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    1. Wow, you AND your wife? I can't say I know many only children.

      And the tranny will hold all of that power and then some. It won't even get too squirrelly thanks to the tires I've got on it. Just rev up the gas a little, drop the hammer, and launch like a slingshot.

      If they can make a 9 second Geo Metro then an old school Firebird that can hit 200 mph should be a walk in the park.

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  27. I want to see that Ford Taurus! Now that's a muscle car!

    You guys are awesome. I probably tell you that a lot but I can't help it. You guys are awesome!

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  28. Pregnant Scandanavian Workforce? Nice. I don't think I would be able to resist downloading all of your songs, once they're available. But your answers are raising more questions for me. For instance: How exactly would you set a keytar on fire and still manage to be able to play it? AND I don't know if I would be able to play a double-necked guitar at all. Is it difficult? Does it require extra hands? Is Brandon hiding extra pairs of hands under that black leather jacket he always seems to be wearing? Regardless, I'll just stick with my regular, one-necked guitar and leave "Gorgoncock" in Brandon's capable (and apparently numerous) hands.

    Some very nice, succinct answers here, boys. I'm impressed...but I don't think I'll ever be able to hear the word "swirl" in any context without seeing either Bryan's crazy hula dance, or Brandon's creepy eyebrow dance. I think you guys can go ahead and call that a win. Well done.

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    1. The keytar itself isn't flaming. When you press the keys, fire ejects out the top, ala Mad Max.

      And come to think of it, that guy might be the person to ask about the double necked guitar since he's playing one. Now, I don't know how it would work for you, but Brandon actually has monkey feet, so he just plays with his toes. Or at least that's what he tells his parole officer, since apparently he once got in trouble for fingering A Minor.

      (Ba dum TISS)

      Delete
  29. I went white water rafting three times. The first time they scared me to death of the "what ifs' so my life jacket was my best friend.

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    1. The first time I went white water rafting I was terrified too, especially since I couldn't swim. After a few trips, it gets easier. In fact, in the small mountain town where I go rafting, the locals like to actually set up their lawn chairs on a certain bend because rookies always dump their raft and go flying. Really, that's how the town spends their day. So my group went over and almost dumped it, but another guy and myself leaned our bodies and kept us afloat. The town 'awww'd in disappointment, and it was the greatest feeling ever flipping off the entire town as we sailed away in victory.

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  30. I hope you're proud of yourselves. I'm about ready to vomit because of the swirl.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. We too like to vomit when we're just bursting with joy, so of course we're proud that we could bring you such internal warmth. Literally and figuratively.

      Delete
  31. If I had an ex I would get her a tombstone just like that. It really brought a tear to my eye and I'm not ordinarily that sentimental. Other kinds of mental, maybe.
    When I get to the old folks home (and it won't be long now) we're going to party like Woodstock only with a lot more ailments.

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    1. IF you had an ex? Married the first one you found, eh? That's ballsy. If we'd done that, we'd both be miserable.

      I bet senile old people would be a blast to party with. Now THAT'S a group that likes to take strange pills while wearing no pants!

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  32. Wow... you totally explained how you met their mother and it didn't take you 8 years to do it! That must be some kind of record.

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    1. And we didn't even finish it with a lame, cop out ending where the chick dies! Oh... Wait.

      Delete
  33. Oh, I do enjoy these Q & A posts. You guys really are witty...The swirl that is some move you got going on there..lol...Hey, you never know she might come a haunting..haha....a bartender in a small town bar can be quite amusing..I once went to this place that had a sign "come in and take a seat you're better off here than across the street"..any bets on what was across the street???? You guessed it a cemetery...and the stories that would come out of patrons there about seeing unusual things when they left...I am not sure if they were drunk or was there really more to these stories? I'll let you decide...

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    1. Well, I haven't ever drank enough to see ghosts, but I know plenty of people who've drank until they saw God. Does that count? A bar across the street from a cemetery... that's either very weird or very cool. There's actually a bar here that used to be a mortuary. They call themselves an "eatuary." I'd say it's creepy, but it's actually pretty cool.

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  34. First, I could've sworn you were flies on the wall at my mom's assisted living place. Next, you hysterically tied in "the swirl" with Cyrano de Bergerac, complete with special effects! Just when I thought things couldn't get any better, you surprised us with a killer ending! Bravo Bryan and Cyrano de Brandon!

    Julie

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    1. Thank you! I just wish more people understood that as a big nosed weirdo who liked to intervene in people's sexual lives, that the only clear ending for a story like his was death. At least it wasn't his own.

      Delete
  35. I'm sure you guys have answered this before but I can't remember: how long have you known each other? Also, sorry to add another question to the list of questions you're trying to get through. Oops!

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    1. Hey, it's no problem. We'll just answer it here. We met each other as five year olds in Catholic catechism school. And thus, two demented minds were born...

      Delete
  36. I laughed at the description of your band. Out loud. Not sure why that one gave me the giggles so bad haha .. I agree with the writer thing! It tends to come through. I especially hate Orson Scott Card. Seriously -.-

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    1. Even just his name is pretentious. I'm pretty sure you're the only Orson Card around, dude. We're not going to mix you up with another. Unnecessarily adding the middle name is just douchey.

      Delete
    2. I've never thought about that, but so true!

      Delete
  37. Ah, nursing home stories...

    I recall a time when visiting my grandmother at the nursing home, and one of her old lady pals rolled up to join in our conversation: "Good morning Granny's old lady pal, how are you today?"... She, pointing at a middle-aged gent with a handlebar mustache who was talking with an older man
    across the room, said "Know what he wants to do right now?" Somewhat hesitantly I said. "No, what does he want to do right now?"

    Leaning over, a bright smile on her wee wizened face, she chirped " Oh he wants to shit in my mouth and then shag my hole until I pee myself."

    How did I not see that one coming?

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    Replies
    1. Wow. I don't even think we could come up with something that dirty. This just goes to show you that not all old people are sweet and innocent. Those folks have been around for a long time. They've seen some shit. This woman - literally.

      (Hey, at her age, whatever makes her happy)

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  38. Brandon kissed his girl into a super figure eight,
    A late night food fight led to some debate
    she wanted to hustle a super pay rate
    Brandon flipped out to Norma crazy Bates
    said sweet goodbye on their last sexy date.

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    Replies
    1. Will you be our official poet laureate? That was fantastic. I also now regret not dressing Brandon up as a bloodied Norma Bates.

      Delete
  39. I feel like my questions were part of the grand finale or something. Now what are you going to post about? Any new series coming up?

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    1. Sorry, no grand finale here. We still have one more of these. But we're open to suggestions for a future series. We still have more bad dating stories (sadly) and we'll never run out of people to make fun of. "Why Miley Cyrus needs to just fuck off already - part 1 of 1,317."

      Delete
  40. Thanks, guys, for answering my question and don't worry, no plans to move out of beautiful British Columbia. I like living by the big water. Colorado has beautiful scenery, so I've heard, but I have flown in and out of Denver, and it's very very brown and dry looking. Anyway, if I ever get down that way it will be just a passing through type visit, on my way to the Grand Canyon. . . I kind of feel that way about British Columbia, wish the rest of Canada and the world would quit moving to BC, it's getting crowded and expensive to live in Vancouver. If only they didn't call it the Riviera of Canada. . .

    ReplyDelete
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    1. British Columbia looks beautiful, or so Lord Google tells me. We have a lot of pretty things here, but water ain't one of 'em.

      Colorado most definitely has beautiful scenery. Don't let the airport "greenery" (brownery) fool you. I feel like it was deliberately put out in the middle of nowhere so that passersby won't think, "Holy crap, this place is beautiful, let's move here." Instead, they think, "That's it? Ugh, let's hurry out of here."

      I mean, if our airport was located in Boulder, we'd just all be fucked.

      Delete

  41. I just said to someone that the definition of a true friend is someone who will help you dispose of the body!

    Re: Pulp Fiction-not my favorite of all time, but I still love a movie that can make a theater audience laugh at someone in the back seat being shot in the head...

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    1. L.C., may you always have someone who will help you dispose of the body, no questions asked.

      And hey, if we can't laugh at violence, then what's the point?

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=lSW2pPlZF-M

      Oh, what a time to be alive!

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    2. That's funny-I recognize the older actress but not the film.

      By the way...I hate to be the one to tell you...but George's swirl was counterclockwise and er...um....well let's just say it did not involve the pelvis.

      How do I know this? I freeze-framed the scene with the crib notes on his hand, blew it up, and have adopted the "move" as my own....along with Jerry's umbrella twirl!

      Delete
    3. Your level of dedication to Seinfeld is simply unparalleled. You know, there are entire reddit threads devoted to people trying to figure out just what the swirl is, and they too agree that it's not pelvic related. So... any insight into the pinch, or the knuckle?

      Delete
  42. Diamonds in the rough… Multi faceted. You guys never cease to amaze, and astonish, me.

    I have one of those "real" friends - the body has yet to be discovered. Well, maybe if they catch the great white that ate the body, but hey… I'm sworn to secrecy.

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    1. Disposal by great white? That's bloody brilliant. I wish we had known that before we spent 2 hours drunkenly digging in the mud. Now the only thing I'm wondering is how you harnessed the power of the sharknado to land specifically on your victim. I hear those kinds of storms are wildly unpredictable.

      Delete
    2. You just have to have friends that work for SeaWorld - hahaha. Sneak in the back door and voila - a snack in a black bag and Bob's your Aunt! (Bob always was a little strange) LOL

      Delete
  43. Thank you for clarifying BOB (Body Opponent Bag).

    My mind went somewhere else.

    What? Somebody had to.....

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    1. You know, it took me a few moments to understand what you meant. But I don't think I'd be punching one of those things. I have a feeling it'd be punching me, and I would not be enjoying it. I'll stick with the huge dummy.

      Delete
  44. Awesome job, guys! "Swamp-ass"? That's a new one for me. You two are true writers. Some of your responses are so passionate that I find myself moving away from the computer. :D Love all the pictures.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Unfortunately, it's not new to any male that's been trapped in muggy underwear during extremely hot weather...

      And hey, writing isn't always about reporting the beautiful stuff. Sometimes it's making you visualize the disturbing. Or so that's how we justify our careers as both horror and humor writers.

      Delete
  45. I read this on Monday. In fact, it may be the last thing I read before I called it a morning (and a migraine) and went back to bed for the day. It's been a terrible couple of days. I've somehow returned to the place of Just Living bringing on a migraine and the choice becomes to medicate or not to medicate. ugghhh.

    But, that's what this comment is meant to be about.

    The swirl. Thank you for clarifying precisely what that is. Another Seinfeld episode explained in graphic detail.

    I'm impressed that you could decide on ONE favorite movie. I get stuck on that question. In fact, I'm stuck right now. I don't know what I'd say if someone put a gun to my head and insisted on an answer RIGHT NOW. I'd want to be something classic and literary that made me seem smart as hell (To Kill A Mockingbird maybe?) but it would probably be She's Having A Baby. I've seen that movie so many times I know almost all of the lines. So there you have it. If you haven't seen it, only 5% of that movie is about having a baby. 95% is about adjusting to being married. It's so funny. Back in college, we rented that movie so often we could've bought it outright 10 times over. It was either that or Better Off Dead, which we also should've just bought. But then what would we rent if we owned the only two movies we ever watched????

    As for the tombstone... that's the funniest epitaph I've ever read. May we all be so lucky. Not doing Brandon, but doing what we love. Or who we love. Whatever.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I couldn't really decide on a favorite movie, which is why I gave a jackass answer like The Room. It still is hilarious, though, and something I can watch yearly. And Better Off Dead is certainly up there. "I want my two dollars!"

      Also... To Kill A Mockingbird was overrated... there, I said it!

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  46. I often wonder how closely linked an artist is to their art. For example, surely it's okay to still like The Cosby Show even after what happened to Bill? His stand-up's just as funny isn't it?

    Oh, and "the swirl" is related to oral sex. Watch the episode again ;)

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    Replies
    1. I don't think there's anything wrong with liking The Cosby Show. Or even his Cosby sweaters. I've been known to rock a few myself. It's Cosby the person that's a piece of crap. It's still kind of weird watching anything with him, though, and thinking what a creep he is.

      And would you believe me if I said there's entire pages on the Internet devoted to what the swirl is? I'm sure it is oral sex related, but me swirling my tongue around in a gif is much more creepy and much less funny than the weird pelvic hula hoop. Or at least I hope.

      Delete
    2. I should have realised you were taking poetic license. I'm one of THOSE people now :P

      Delete
  47. I must be a terrible person. I laughed out loud at the cartoon of the old guy saying he need a new Depends because "someone" pooped in his pants. Shame on me. (But in my defense, it's funny!)

    Good stuff. You should incorporate Swirl into your fictional band name. Might increase your audience a bit.

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    1. Well, how do you think that Scandinavian Workforce got pregnant in the first place? ‎

      ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°)

      Delete
  48. I've tried the swirl many times but I always black out and end up in a park naked.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Actually, that's how you know you're doing it right.

      Delete
  49. LOL that tombstone!!!
    And phew!! Good thing both of you didn't come doing the swirl on this post. Imagine? You'd have all these cracrays moving to Colorado even after you warned them not to :P

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    1. "Colorado: Land of the Swirl." That should be our state motto.

      Delete
  50. Just too much hilarity to even comment on so I'll just say,
    "Fuckin A Bros. Fuckin A"

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  51. The dancing/moving pictures are too funny. You guys are a hoot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The gift of animation is one we choose not to waste. Thanks!

      Delete
  52. Thai boxing... no kidding.... You've smoked some angry old guy with a $100,000 supercar in a family sedan? Way to go. I just hope it wasn't me and I just 'don't remember'. Briefs or boxers... well, how about seedos? I mean speedos? Great moves by the way.

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    Replies
    1. No kidding. It's like regular boxing, but sometimes you knee your opponent in the face. Which is a great way to mix things up. And by that I mean shatter a nasal passage.

      I've also smoked sad old men in 1980s Camaros, but that isn't quite as satisfying. More like, "Just let it go, man. 1985 is gone, and you can never go back to that time."

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  53. Ha, ha... great stuff to know about you two.

    I find it amazing that you have BOTH had experiences with ghosts. What are the chances of that?

    Do you think the chances have increased as of the 21 century?

    I'm sure you've heard all the stuff about the Mayan calendar ending in 2012 and the galactic alignment and a shift in our frequency to become more psychic...

    Who knows if it's all true... maybe there have always been the same amount of people having experiences like this but there was no internet to share them.

    .... or perhaps the internet or "ether" as it has been called is a product of our frequency change...

    booya!

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    1. Are you implying that the Internet is haunted? Because that would sure explain why my wifi router doesn't always work. It's probably just boosting their ghost signal. And maybe their ghost signal is interrupting my cellphone signal, because I can't seem to get more than 2 bars in my own damn house.

      Mind = blown.

      And you know, on a serious note, I might ask the same thing of other phenomena like UFO encounters. Back in the day that was something a drunk redneck claimed to all of his friends. Now that we have the Internet, well, I fully expect to see more coherent stories from people with an IQ greater than 75.

      This... does not count.

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  54. Just don't fuck anyone at the old folks' home. That population has the fastest-growing rate of STDs!

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    1. I mean, I already knew that fact existed, and yet... ewww, not the first thing I needed to read today while eating breakfast. This oatmeal I'm eating sounds like old people fucking, and I am not cool with that.

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