A while back we asked you guys to ask us anything. Instead, you asked us everything. And we've answered a few of your questions. Then a few more. Well, today we're answering a few more. So let's get down to it.
Ethan: As professional married writers, who both clearly have the respect of hundreds of readers and usually command a high level of decency and respect within each weekly posting.......
Would you rather sleep with your wife's body knowing Brandon/Bryan's mind was inside or Bryan/Brandon's body knowing that they had your wife's mind?
Bryan: You know, I'm not a big fan of hair sweaters. My cohort, while a fantastic guy, has the sex-appeal of an orphanage fire to me. It just wouldn't happen. So unfortunately, I'd probably have to say his mind inside my wife's body. But I'd be sure and drug him up good so he wouldn't know what was happening. And no eye contact. Never eye contact.
Brandon: I actually agree with all of that... and I don't know how I feel about that. Regardless, I think we can both agree that this is a horrible scenario, and no one wins in either case. Thank God such a thing can't happen. As pseudo-brothers and writing partners, we make it a habit not to mix business and pleasure. Or cross swords. We're proud to say we're not even Eskimo brothers.
Michael D'Agostino: Your house catches on fire. What's the one thing you grab before running and sobbing like children?
Brandon: Seeing as how my wife has possession of my testicles at all times, I'd make sure and ask her to grab them for me so they don't get lost or burnt in the fire.
Bryan: Well, as a self-employed, full time writer, I keep everything in "the cloud," meaning everything I've ever written is safe and backed up online no matter how badly my computers get burned. But... as a self-employed, full time writer, I also spend a lot of my time around the house in my underwear. So the first thing I'd grab before running outside is a pair of pants. The last thing I need to lose is my house AND my dignity.
Pickleope: Have you ever pooped your pants, and if not, pooped in an uncomfortable place?
Brandon: Self-pooping isn't ringing a bell for either of us (not recently anyway) but the strangest place I've ever had to leave a dump is on the side of a mountain while hiking. Some people leave piles of rocks to mark their paths through the woods. And others...they use piles of manscat.
Bryan: I can proudly say that I've made it 31 years without making Kanye* in my pants.
*that's a reference to him being a huge turd, and I hope the term catches on. Tell your friends!
However, since you still want a fun story, I can tell you that one time I visited a relative's house - a very obese relative - and I had to pee. Well, his toilet was the most disgustingly disheveled monument to rectal torture I've ever seen. "It" was everywhere. "It" was even on the lid, which of course was closed. So rather than touching that and giving myself The Oregon Trail*, I whizzed in the sink. Fucked up, I know, but that was truly the least of that bathroom's problems.
*"You have died of dysentery"
Larry: I have thought long and hard about what to ask you...and I am going with: Does the light stay on after you close the refrigerator door?
Fantastic question! We want to know the answer too, so to find out, we each took a week off of work to run a myriad of expensive, time intensive tests devoted purely to the refrigerator light. We tried opening it with bare hands, with a pulley system, with a rocket propelled thruster, but nothing was fast enough to catch whether the light had come on or had always been on.
So in the interest of science we dove in head first. Literally.
In retrospect, that was probably something we could have just Googled. But at least you have your answer! Totally worth it.
Working Dan: If I were to test the limits of the Indiana law and smoke weed freely claiming it as my religious practice, would you pay my bail, and if need be, pay my lawyer expenses if this experiment failed?
Dan, we would be happy to bail you out... in spirit. Because we have no money. But we assure you, once you serve your time we'll be waiting for you right outside of the Indiana state prison, where we'll have a gay pizza joint cater for you the finest, gayest pizza party that $15 in nickels can buy. To celebrate religious tolerance. Or freedom. Or pizza. Whatever.
Jenny Pearson: If you had to choose between losing one of your senses, which would it be, and why?
Both of us: Having been born and raised in the same cowtown, we can both tell you that we would easily give up our sense of smell. Probably even willingly. The other senses would be devastating to lose - not being able to touch our wives, not being able to taste a nice craft beer, not being able to see our books in print, not being able to hear sweet, hipstery Indie rock... but we can do without smelling cowshit, and hay, and B.O. (often all at once where we come from). Hell, if we lacked a sense of smell, maybe we'd visit home more often.
Adam: When Ted Cruz wins the Republican nomination for President, should Justin Bieber be his running mate?
Brandon: Weird, I didn't think Ted Cruz liked lesbians.
Bryan: I thought Justin Bieber was too busy teaching Floyd Mayweather to read. You know, when he's not trying to be the next Paul Walker.
Lauren Farrow: Why do guys see everything through sex colored glasses and can they be happy this way? For instance, what if you start to date the hottest girl in the world but as you continue to date her you realize her personality is as ugly as you thought mobility scooter girl looked? Would you still date her because she was super hot?
Both of us: It's because those metaphorical man-glasses have been stained since puberty by substances that shouldn't be named in public. Yes, the stupider of our brethren can be very happy this way. Ignoramus is bliss and all that. But God no, neither of us could have ever been happy with one of those soulless, idiotic trophy wife types.
A nice rack and a pretty face just can't make up for a shitty personality. Besides, looks fade, but bitchiness (and stupidity) is forever.
And who the hell wants to date/marry someone if you have to outlaw speaking?
Lauren Farrow: When you have a beer in the shower is it just Bryan and Brandon in the shower or are the wives there, too?
Both of us: Like George Thorogood always said: "When I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself." And that goes for when we're buck naked and covered in suds too. We do a lot of things together, but showering is not one of them. And showering with a spouse sounds fun and romantic until you remember that you're essentially sharing a soaped up phone booth with another person, and what starts as "I'm just trying to reach the shampoo, watch out" leads to elbows flying everywhere, an inadvertent black eye, and naked twister that's not nearly so fun when someone's dropped the soap.
Our advice? Save the romance for the bedroom. Showers are only for cleaning, for thinking, and for drinking.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Lagunitas Sucks