Monday, May 4, 2015

Answering Questions Without Pants While Being Trapped In The Refrigerator (For Science!)

A while back we asked you guys to ask us anything. Instead, you asked us everything. And we've answered a few of your questions. Then a few more. Well, today we're answering a few more. So let's get down to it.

Ethan: As professional married writers, who both clearly have the respect of hundreds of readers and usually command a high level of decency and respect within each weekly posting.......

Would you rather sleep with your wife's body knowing Brandon/Bryan's mind was inside or Bryan/Brandon's body knowing that they had your wife's mind?

Bryan: You know, I'm not a big fan of hair sweaters. My cohort, while a fantastic guy, has the sex-appeal of an orphanage fire to me. It just wouldn't happen. So unfortunately, I'd probably have to say his mind inside my wife's body. But I'd be sure and drug him up good so he wouldn't know what was happening. And no eye contact. Never eye contact.




Brandon: I actually agree with all of that... and I don't know how I feel about that. Regardless, I think we can both agree that this is a horrible scenario, and no one wins in either case. Thank God such a thing can't happen. As pseudo-brothers and writing partners, we make it a habit not to mix business and pleasure. Or cross swords. We're proud to say we're not even Eskimo brothers.

Michael D'Agostino: Your house catches on fire. What's the one thing you grab before running and sobbing like children?

Brandon: Seeing as how my wife has possession of my testicles at all times, I'd make sure and ask her to grab them for me so they don't get lost or burnt in the fire.
Bryan: Well, as a self-employed, full time writer, I keep everything in "the cloud," meaning everything I've ever written is safe and backed up online no matter how badly my computers get burned. But... as a self-employed, full time writer, I also spend a lot of my time around the house in my underwear. So the first thing I'd grab before running outside is a pair of pants. The last thing I need to lose is my house AND my dignity.


Pickleope: Have you ever pooped your pants, and if not, pooped in an uncomfortable place?

Brandon: Self-pooping isn't ringing a bell for either of us (not recently anyway) but the strangest place I've ever had to leave a dump is on the side of a mountain while hiking. Some people leave piles of rocks to mark their paths through the woods. And others...they use piles of manscat.
Bryan: I can proudly say that I've made it 31 years without making Kanye* in my pants.

*that's a reference to him being a huge turd, and I hope the term catches on. Tell your friends!

However, since you still want a fun story, I can tell you that one time I visited a relative's house - a very obese relative - and I had to pee. Well, his toilet was the most disgustingly disheveled monument to rectal torture I've ever seen. "It" was everywhere. "It" was even on the lid, which of course was closed. So rather than touching that and giving myself The Oregon Trail*, I whizzed in the sink. Fucked up, I know, but that was truly the least of that bathroom's problems.

*"You have died of dysentery"

Larry: I have thought long and hard about what to ask you...and I am going with: Does the light stay on after you close the refrigerator door?

Fantastic question! We want to know the answer too, so to find out, we each took a week off of work to run a myriad of expensive, time intensive tests devoted purely to the refrigerator light. We tried opening it with bare hands, with a pulley system, with a rocket propelled thruster, but nothing was fast enough to catch whether the light had come on or had always been on.

So in the interest of science we dove in head first. Literally.



In retrospect, that was probably something we could have just Googled. But at least you have your answer! Totally worth it.

Working Dan: If I were to test the limits of the Indiana law and smoke weed freely claiming it as my religious practice, would you pay my bail, and if need be, pay my lawyer expenses if this experiment failed?

Dan, we would be happy to bail you out... in spirit. Because we have no money. But we assure you, once you serve your time we'll be waiting for you right outside of the Indiana state prison, where we'll have a gay pizza joint cater for you the finest, gayest pizza party that $15 in nickels can buy. To celebrate religious tolerance. Or freedom. Or pizza. Whatever.


Jenny Pearson: If you had to choose between losing one of your senses, which would it be, and why?

Both of us: Having been born and raised in the same cowtown, we can both tell you that we would easily give up our sense of smell. Probably even willingly. The other senses would be devastating to lose - not being able to touch our wives, not being able to taste a nice craft beer, not being able to see our books in print, not being able to hear sweet, hipstery Indie rock... but we can do without smelling cowshit, and hay, and B.O. (often all at once where we come from). Hell, if we lacked a sense of smell, maybe we'd visit home more often.

Adam: When Ted Cruz wins the Republican nomination for President, should Justin Bieber be his running mate?

Brandon: Weird, I didn't think Ted Cruz liked lesbians.
Bryan: I thought Justin Bieber was too busy teaching Floyd Mayweather to read. You know, when he's not trying to be the next Paul Walker.

Lauren Farrow: Why do guys see everything through sex colored glasses and can they be happy this way? For instance, what if you start to date the hottest girl in the world but as you continue to date her you realize her personality is as ugly as you thought mobility scooter girl looked? Would you still date her because she was super hot?

Both of us: It's because those metaphorical man-glasses have been stained since puberty by substances that shouldn't be named in public. Yes, the stupider of our brethren can be very happy this way. Ignoramus is bliss and all that. But God no, neither of us could have ever been happy with one of those soulless, idiotic trophy wife types.

A nice rack and a pretty face just can't make up for a shitty personality. Besides, looks fade, but bitchiness (and stupidity) is forever.





And who the hell wants to date/marry someone if you have to outlaw speaking?

Lauren Farrow: When you have a beer in the shower is it just Bryan and Brandon in the shower or are the wives there, too?

Both of us: Like George Thorogood always said: "When I drink alone, I prefer to be by myself." And that goes for when we're buck naked and covered in suds too. We do a lot of things together, but showering is not one of them. And showering with a spouse sounds fun and romantic until you remember that you're essentially sharing a soaped up phone booth with another person, and what starts as "I'm just trying to reach the shampoo, watch out" leads to elbows flying everywhere, an inadvertent black eye, and naked twister that's not nearly so fun when someone's dropped the soap.

Our advice? Save the romance for the bedroom. Showers are only for cleaning, for thinking, and for drinking.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Sigur Ros
Beer: Lagunitas Sucks


139 comments:

  1. These were really funny answers. Man, Ethan, that was a messed up question. But, it did give us the line, "the sex-appeal of an orphanage fire." That made me laugh. And you brought back the Noid!?! I thought everybody had an uncomfortable poo story. Peeing in the sink isn't messed up, As a tall person, that's a daily ritual. Save water, pee in the sink. (I do not want that to be my legacy, please don't put that on my tombstone.)

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    1. I'm now rethinking ever inviting you over to either of our houses. Either that, or you'll get supervised bathrooms visits so you don't piss in our sinks.

      Delete
  2. Shame no one let you guys out of the fridge.
    I couldn't date a pretty bimbo either. Shallow and mindless just don't work for me.
    Your Ted Cruz answer was priceless.
    And I'd need to grab pants as well. Especially if the fire was at night since I go to bed commando. (I've tried to convince my wife to do the same, but so far no dice.)

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    1. We're actually still commenting from the fridge. Thank God I've got a good wifi signal in here.

      And going to bed commando? That's brave. As someone who flops around a lot and has cats, well, let's just say that I don't want to wake up to one of my cats trying to play human tetherball.

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  3. As a person who ACTUALLY did have their house burn down and had to run outside in my underwear, I resent your response. I didn't have the luxury of grabbing pants! I did, however, rock the hell out of those He-Man underoos I had on.

    And I think I'll stick to the heterosexual pizza. I mean really, just look at what that gay pizza did to your bellies!

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    1. I don't think I'd truly have the luxury of grabbing pants either. Plus, I'd probably be too busy grabbing my animals and making sure they were okay. So don't worry, everyone would most likely see me rocking my TMNT underoos.

      And don't knock the gay pizza till you try it. It comes with a free back rub and a rectal exam. Or at least that's my understanding of how the night went down. I was as little fuzzy after the roofies took over.

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  4. My faith has been restored in the male species. If given the choice, I thought all dudes would date the hottest chick regardless of her ugly personality.

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    1. Hey, sex is great, but if you can't tolerate a woman the other 23 hours and 58 minutes of the day, what's the point? Besides, the two aren't mutually exclusive. We both snagged ourselves wives that are hot AND not shitty people. AND not dumb as a box of rocks. Win!

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    2. >>... the other 23 hours and 58 minutes of the day

      Dang! I didn't realize until just now that I've always been plagued by "prematurity".

      You're in great form, 6-B.

      ~ D-FensDogG

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    3. Where I come from, "arriving early" isn't being premature. It's just being punctual.

      Delete
  5. I have nightmares about Ted Cruz and I think secretly he LOVES lesbians. I wouldn't be surprised if there isn't a scandal soon involving him and a boy toy. I am totally stealing the Kanye. I would ask if he could get any more douchey but I'm afraid he can.

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    1. Actually, it is funny that a lot of those hardcore anti-gay guys just loves them some lesbian porn. And boy toys. But they still excuse it nonetheless.

      "No no, you don't understand, these girls are HOT. That's okay. It's when they look like two fat men with mullets that it's not cool. And it's not gay if you're the one giving it, so only my boy toy is at fault here. Bad boy toy. I'm gonna go, uh, punish him now."

      Delete
    2. For as many times they find a "anti-gay" Republican with some guy in a gas station bathroom, it makes you wonder why some many of them would not only run for public office but stand firmly against themselves. I do enjoy the irony.

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  6. The refrigerator lights though. I've experimented that one myself. But I don't strive near as hard as you guys. I just shut the door as slow as I can and watch the lights go out. They switch off like two seconds before the door shuts. My guess is that the switch is somewhere on the doors hinge. And the cat outside the refrigerator when you guys are stuck inside. Hahaha. That was hilarious.

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    1. I have a fun game I like to play with my cat, where I fall really hard and start yelling and pretending like I'm deathly hurt just to see what she does. So far... nothing. One time she just got annoyed and walked away. Another time my foot was wriggling around so she attacked it.

      Conclusion: cats are assholes, and Lassie they are not.

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    2. This made me literally laugh out loud. My cats would just curl up on top of me.

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    3. Holly, it made me laugh out loud too. And you probably have nicer cats. And I can picture that. With the comic cat stretching herself, that is definitely asshole behaviour. She's just radiating this vibe of "I don't give a fuck. You guys are so lame."

      Delete
  7. I'm kind of ill so I can't leave a lengthy comment but I assure you I did read all of this post. Probably a good idea you didn't get to my questions yet because I don't have the mental capacity to fully comprehend the answers. There was a time I did actually spend a while slowly closing the door of the refrigerator. If you do it slowly enough you see that yes, indeed, the light goes off. Maybe that's just British ones though. They're polite enough to go out well before the door is fully closed so that you can see for yourself it's gone out.

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    1. I think your polite, British refrigerators are superior in that regard to our obnoxious American ones. For mine, at least, the sensor is triggered only when the door is closed, so even if the door is but a hair open the light is still on.

      We're actually looking forward to answering your questions next. They were damn good questions that require a lengthy response, so stay tuned for those soon. And speaking of, feel better soon, yeah?

      Delete
    2. I wonder if I can make a post about that. I mean, I know I can really. I'm going to need a refrigerator and a camera. Anyway, yeah I'll get better soon. I didn't realise American refrigerators actually did that. No wonder you guys have been wondering this for years.

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    3. Apparently, we've had the polite British refrigerators too.

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    4. I think our big, fat American fridges are just more concerned with holding food than saving energy.

      Delete
  8. SO MUCH tastelessness and depravity this morning I don't know what to comment on! Well done, boys, well done. I'll just note my LOL re "Dominosexual" and move on.

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    1. I used to be a closeted Dominosexual, but you can't avoid the Noid forever.

      Delete
  9. Thank you for this, I learned a lot about the two of you and I learned a lot about myself.

    Go Gay Pizza!

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    1. My only regret is that you will never know the pure, unadulterated joy of peeing in a sink. Well, if you don't mind standing over your friend or relative's sink like a perched gargoyle. Which might actually add to the experience, if anything.

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  10. B&B:
    ROFL...that's some wildly inventive questions...and equally brilliant answers.
    A George Thorogood quote...now THAT is something you don;t hear every day.
    (unless you're at our house while I have sime vinyl of the Delaware Destroyer cranked up)

    Shower together?
    (only in my dreams...and usually w/ either Scarlett Johansson or Sofia Vergara.)
    Wonder why I never dream of BOTH?

    Another excellent post...never fails to get a smile going here in the Hoosier state.

    Stay safe out there.

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    1. Neither of our wives know who George Thorogood is. So I guess we also listen to him alone.

      Wait, showering with Scarlett Johansson and/or Sofia Vergara was a choice? Can we take back our answers?

      Delete
  11. There is NOTHING wrong with peeing in the sink in that circumstance. I've never done that though. It's pretty hard for women to pee in a sink, even in 2015. Whatever happened to #equality? Sigh.

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    1. Sounds like someone needs a Magic Cone. Bam - instant equality!

      Delete
  12. Tell your wife I salute her for her troubles. I, too, once refused an ambulance after being roofied because of the cost. I couldn't speak, but I still somehow managed to respond to the word "ambulance" with "fuckoff".

    I peed in a sink once, too. Not proud of it but you know when you gotta go, you gotta go. I was at a party in Philly and there was someone puking in the one bathroom and some drunk chick sitting on the toilet and crying in the other. Drunk chick wouldn't take her drama elsewhere, so I apologized and peed in the sink right next to her. yay college!

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    1. My hat is off to you, and I applaud you fervently for being able to pee in a sink. That takes talent as a woman. And balance. Especially while drinking. Bravo.

      Delete
  13. I'd never be able to date a bimbo, they are sooooo dumb. The things that come out of their yaps I suppose could lead to blog fodder for years though. The cat wouldn't let you out of the fridge? Just like a cat lol They may save you though when they need someone to scoop their shit or get some more food.

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    1. Oh that's true, she'd probably start pawing at the door once she got hungry. So at least there's that.

      And really, I don't know how guys suffer through dating a bimbo. Maybe I'm just one of those highbrow guys (naaaaah), but even hearing a woman say something really, really stupid makes me shrivel up down below. I'll just say it - stupidity is a boner-killer.

      Delete
  14. Ha, ha!!! Awesome answers! I think this is another post that attests to the brilliance of your writing and illustrations-- for so many reasons (listed below).

    Thank you for correcting the widely used and repeated proverbial phrase that does not make any sense: instead of "take" a dump you wisely indicated that you "leave" a dump.

    However, your wisdom did not stop there.

    Love the new term you coined: dominosexual because I am sure that is a minority who has long been deprived of a suitable term to describe their sexual desire for pizza. I hear peperoni can be a charm in bed.

    I am happy to finally know the truth of what happens when the refrigerator door is closed. Thank you.
    ... but now I am throwing out all beer in my fridge due to the powerful image your writing evokes.... beer doesn't look much like beer anymore.

    And the poignant descriptions did not stop there.

    The next description that instilled powerful images in my mind was, "... those metaphorical man-glasses have been stained since puberty by substances that shouldn't be named in public."

    I believe that statement proves how valuable glasses with windshield wipers would be... just sayin' that may be an untapped market that is hiding in plain sight.... or at least plain sight once the windshield wipers are installed to remove the cloudy white film... or whatever.

    And the wisest quote from today's post:

    Looks fade, but bitchiness (and stupidity) is forever

    So true! But lucky for you two that you found both looks and smarts in your wives! Phew... because I heard that mobility scooter girl was bluffing when she sucked at Wheel of Fortune and in reality, she is a genius... ;-)

    And last wise quote but not least:

    "Showers are only for cleaning, for thinking, and for drinking."

    Somewhere in America there is a group of sweaty jocks entering the locker room that thank you.

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    1. Wow, that was such a vivid comment. I'm laughing and crying and dry heaving all at the same time. Is this what pregnancy feels like?

      For the record, beer always looks like beer when it's craft beer. For us, real beer is brown or red. If beer looks like pee, then it's probably just pee.

      Also, depending on where your game's spaceship ventures, I hope Shotbot has windshield wipers. It's a messy, messy world out there, and you don't want your player to lose any lives simply because of an overabundance of bodily fluids.

      Delete
    2. Well, then it's a good thing I threw out the beer in my fridge!

      No guys. Sorry to disappoint, but the shotbot will not be accumulating any cloudy white film... or whatever.

      We are leaving that gaming experience to the Oculus Rift... even though some old people might think it's "an experience that dreams are made of."

      ... but now that you mention it, maybe we will add windshield wipers as a bonus tool in a secret quest where when you beat the level you are projected out of the game environment on to... a wet spot on bed sheets.

      or not.

      Delete
    3. That still sounds like a positive ending to me. I mean, it beats getting shot into an old gym sock or some homeless guy's beard.

      (Gotta keep things classy around here)

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    4. ewww.... no need to share your personal experiences with everyone
      but nice to know you did your part to make the homeless happy.

      Delete
  15. I didn't even think of this until I read Bob's comment. And now... well, since I'm very tied up with The Soundtrack of My Life I don't see a HERE'S TO YOU post any time soon. So, this is what I would've posted...

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JDXYVn6NOZg

    This entire post was hilarious. You got some great questions!

    I particularly liked the first one. That is what I call a genuine conundrum. If that ever does happen, and you can't get the desired drugs, maybe you can just duct tape the mouth. That would be the things most likely to ruin it. Your wife saying something Bryan/Brandon would totally suck and be a Mood Killer.

    My favorite from this week: "Kanye in my pants." That was freakin' awesome. Keep using it. If "conversating" can catch on from repeated use, I see no reason why Kanye in my pants can't be a thing.

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    1. Ha! I laughed out loud at the taping the mouth shut part. Because nothing kills the mood quite like getting called "dude" over and over again.

      And wherever he is (since Ethan was an anonymous reader) just know that that question was so wonderfully fucked up that it's earned a special place in the black, shriveled pits we call hearts.

      Delete
  16. Those were some very perverse, disturbing questions. But you guys handled it with your usual pizazz, as if you answer them daily and have spent months researching the refrigerator light riddle.
    Fantastic job! I love the Dominosexual bit and that cartoon of two fat guys eating it.

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    1. I'm just glad you called them "two fats guys" and separated them from us. I may support the dominosexual lifestyle, but I like my flat stomach way too much to become an active participant.

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    2. I was acting as if I saw no resemblance whatsoever. Wink.

      Delete
  17. I'm all for making Kanye's...well, I mean using the term. He's such a self-centered Kanye.

    Might I suggest some Budweiser for your night of lovin with your buddy/wife? I hear they have a new Rufy line that's being endorsed by the Greek council.

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    1. That's a fantastic idea! "You can't say no, Brandon. The bottle says so."

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  18. Most guys only see women through such glasses until they grow up or quit drinking

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    1. No shit, right? I love when I see some morbidly obese, 40 year old neckbeard who turns down a woman because she's just "not hot enough for him." Dude, if you find anything with two arms, two legs, and a vagina that's interested in you, you should sink your claws into it and never let go.

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  19. While you're showering like George Thorogood, do you sing '1 scotch, one soda, one beer' or 'bad to the bone' (no pun)? You actually made a lot of women fans by saying you prefer brains over hot looks, it must be that healthy beer in the shower you drink that makes you such classy guys. . .

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    1. Actually, it's One Bourbon, One Scotch, One Beer. We just don't have room in our lives for soda when we're so Bad to the Bone. ;)

      And we didn't think our view was so groundbreaking but apparently more guys are willing to put up with stupidity than we are. I can't deal with that in my daily life. I once went on a date with a girl who asked me who won World War II. When I asked her, "Well, do you speak German?" she didn't understand at all. That instantly sealed the deal, and I knew I'd never talk to her after that.

      No amount of hotness can make up for that kind of a lack of brains.

      Delete
    2. >>... I once went on a date with a girl who asked me who won World War II. When I asked her, "Well, do you speak German?" she didn't understand at all.

      Ha!-Ha! Man, is that for REAL?!?!?!

      If so, your response was simply CLASSIC!

      ~ D-FensDogG

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    3. Yes, that was 100% real. And let me tell you, it's nice to know that probably one of the best jokes I've ever made fell on deaf ears.

      Delete
    4. Oh yes, one bourbon, etc. Geez, I better go listen to George again. . . And speaking of your WWII remark, a guy tried to sell my female friend a pair of skin lampshades in a pub one time and I told her to tell him to go to hell. I had to explain why later, she had no clue. . . .

      Delete
  20. Good answers. Very good.

    I must applaud you on your sensible choice to bring your balls and some pants with you as you flee your burning house. I think it's actually in the Firefighter's Handbook that they don't do anything to help ball-less, pants-less dudes, no matter what the circumstances. Harsh, I know, but hey, I don't make the rules!

    Oh, and "making a Kanye" needs to be on a t-shirt. Or at least the title of his next album.

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    1. I bet if we tried hard enough we could get Kanye to wear such a shirt, by tricking him into thinking it's a good thing. He seems just delusional enough for it to work. "It, uh, means making your dreams come true."

      And you know, we probably should have combined our answers for that fire one. I mean, the last thing a fireman wants to see is a guy with no pants and he's just smooth down there like a Ken doll.

      Delete
    2. Oy. The "Ken Doll Look". Yeah, I wouldn't want to see that. I think I'd feel the need to call...I don't know. Would Ghost Busters know how to handle it? (No pun intended.)

      Someone should definitely get in touch with Kanye and I bet he'll be branding your idea and putting it on all of his designer clothes. It's brilliant!

      Delete
  21. As far as losing your sense of sense because of the shit smell, I have a question that is odor related. I have a cousin that lives in Denver and he said the city just smells since the legalization of pot. Have you noticed a difference?

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    1. Sense of smell, I mean.

      Delete
    2. As in the city smells like weed? Or like smog? Or like old gym socks? Because neither of us notice a difference in citywide smell. Not any more than usual, anyhow. I mean, having been to a place like Bangkok where all of the streets smell like rotting garbage (yes, really) Denver is pretty odorless and inoffensive to all senses overall.

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    3. I am guessing it's the smell of burning weed because he said it does now and he has lived there for a long time. Maybe he lives in weed central? Or he's blowing smoke up someone's ass.

      Delete
    4. He must be blowing some killer Cheech and Chong-style smoke up your ass, because it doesn't reek of weed around here. Even in heavy college kid areas you have to be pretty close to the house of a smoker to notice a smell. And as nonsmokers, we're pretty sensitive to that kind of aroma.

      Delete
  22. BEER BOYS, this was really funny from "A" to "drinking". I GOLed all the way through it.

    >>... My cohort, while a fantastic guy, has the sex-appeal of an orphanage fire to me.

    Ha! I could spend the next godzillion years trying and I don't think I could imagine anything less sexy than an orphanage fire. (Bryan, you been listening to 'Subterranean Homesick Blues' lately?)

    And thanks to Brandon, I learned a new term today: Eskimo Brothers.
    Not only did I not know what it meant, but I had never even heard it before.

    The Refrigerator Light question is one that has universally puzzled people the world over since... well, since the time a light bulb was first put into a refrigerator.

    In 1946, some bad guys locked Dale Evans in a refrigerator just outside of Las Vegas, Nevada. Roy Rogers, too, wanted to know if the light had gone out, but all Dale would tell him was, "Don't be funny!"

    Does the light go out when the refrigerator door closes?
    "The world may never know."

    "Making Kanye in my pants" and "Bitchiness and stupidity is forever"... pretty wise observations for a guy who just lost his wisdom teeth.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. I'm just flattered to hear that today's post was educational. Teaching you a new term AND solving something that not even Roy Rogers nor Trigger could solve. That's impressive.

      And I always listen to Bob Dylan when I'm on mind-altering pain meds. I mean, I listen to him when I'm not taking them, but I listen to him when I'm taking them, too.

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  23. "dominosexual" Someone get the tumblrs on this.
    Also, you say you don't want to lose your sense of taste, but remember that part of the tasting is done through the nose. Ever tried pinching your nose shut while eating something?

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    1. It's true, tasting is partly through the nose, but I'd rather lose a little bit of taste than all of it. I mean, imagine drinking a beer and it doesn't taste like anything. It's just like chugging water. It'd be like drinking Keystone Light all day, except you'd be paying craft beer prices for it. That's a nightmare.

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    2. Actually, tasting is something like 80-85% smell. That's why everything tastes like crackers when you have a cold.

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    3. Is it? I can't remember the last time I had a cold. Or crackers. Guess some more scientific tests are needed...

      Delete
  24. Justin Bieberhead as a lesbian-too funny:) I have done the woods thing and , the other too. I had food poisoning and didn't make it. Not a fun thing. Too much sharing?? :) As for running out of the house with undies on, my dear friend did that-hahahaaaaa. He woke up to smoke. He made sure the others were out(all guys in a house and 3 cats) including the cats and when people started to snicker he looked down to see he was just in his underwear. he went back into the house! he said he had to save face and get some pants on

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    1. Well, at least he had his priorities straight and got on the pants last.

      "Sure, all of my roommates and my animals died, but no one can laugh at my poor choice of whitey tighties."

      Delete
  25. Oh and as for beautiful girl-my hubby would say...no way! He would have just banged her for 2 weeks and then said thanks-he was a rogue in his youth or as my Oma (grandmother used to say) "When the dick is up, the brain's up the ass!" Of course it was in German

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    1. That's a great quote no matter what the language. Fortunately (or unfortunately) my brain and dick are very much connected, and if a woman is dumb as a box of rocks or a terrible person all attraction is lost. I'd like to think of it as a blessing, though I'm sure some guys would call that a curse.

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  26. Oh... I sense a whole new gender swap series coming on.
    You guys are way too clever!

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    1. Actually, one of the questions we were asked is if we'd still be funny if we were women... so one of these future posts is devoted entirely to us being women, and it being called "A Wine for the John."

      No, really. Stay tuned.

      Delete
  27. Hahahahaha, loved the reply and the post as usual guys, enough to actually create a profile to reply less anonymously. Definitely think you've given the 'correct' answer, as you had said in an earlier part, there are only so many times you can be called dude before it's a mood killer :D (....usually 1).

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    1. And thank you again for the awesome question! It was seriously one of our favorites... and I don't know what that says about us. But it's fun to answer questions where you have to reach way, way outside of your comfort zone and explore the darkest, most fucked up corner of your mind.

      And yes, even a single male congratulatory term is enough to kill the mood.

      "Give it to me, bro!"

      *shudder*

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  28. The fridge sounds like the perfect place to chill out in!

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  29. I'm not sure how much more of this my mind can survive. Which brings us to the question: Which came first, readers with the depraved thinking to come up with these questions or those who became depraved by reading your stuff and then started asking questions? Or are we all just swirling in one big toilet bowl of depravity?

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Ha! I don't know who's to blame, but can we steal that quote from you and use it as our personal tagline from here on out?

      A Beer for the Shower: we're all just swirling in one big toilet bowl of depravity

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    2. I gladly bequeath that to you. Just don't forget to flush when you're done and spray some of that air freshener as you leave.

      Arlee Bird
      A to Z Challenge Co-host

      Tossing It Out


      Delete
  30. I agree about my sense of smell. I've been lowkey trying to get rid of it for a long time.

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    1. I have yet to hear a con of losing the sense of smell. Imagine how much easier changing diapers would be, never having to smell that ever again.

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  31. That first question, "making Kanye", and "The Oregon Trail." God, I wish I could have read this at work....

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    1. Fun fact: dysentery is literally "making Kanye" until you die.

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  32. This was a riot! Love the Kanye line. No way to see that through rose-colored glasses, LOL.

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    1. I bet the only reason why Kanye finds Kim K. so attractive is because he sees the world through shit-colored glasses.

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  33. There are times I would happily give up the sense of smell, but I like to eat, and sense of smell is part of taste. I choose to keep all the senses.

    You can wrap the Kanye thing into many different sayings. For instance, wish in one hand, make Kanye in the other, and see which one fills up first. I don't give a Kanye. I'm too old for this Kanye.

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    1. This is officially my new favorite comment. This comment is the Kanye.

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  34. As someone who has lost their sense of smell, I think you would find you regretted it very much. It drastically affects your sense of taste too. You might find you didn't like beer either in or out of the shower any more. I would love to be able to smell a skunk because it would mean I could smell everything else.

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    1. Wow, I had no idea. And yet you do so much with cooking. Frankly, I don't want to lose any senses, period. But if I had to lose one, I'd rather it be smell than something like sight. Or touch. Or hearing. Those are just so important to everyday life. How about we vow not to lose any more senses at all? This hypothetical question seems like a perfectly good waste of senses to me.

      (Oh, and really, our hometown smells terrible. People always joke that they know when they're passing through because the smell hits them) :)

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  35. Seeing your own name on the screen is the biggest thrill of all ;) Good answer boys, I hope the others are as inventive.

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    1. That's not bad, but we could do better. What about a cartoon version of you? We need to do a cross-blog-venture one of these days...

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    2. I'll email you the MOMENT I come up with a good idea ;)

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  36. Yay, the cat finally paid you enough attention to let you out of the box. Must have wanted some milk. Hope he didn't get pee bottles instead. *checks screw cap on wine bottle*

    As Ron White says "You can't fix stupid!" But WTF is that Kanye reference? I'm seriously afraid to google it now. I'll just settle for envisioning Brandon and Bryan in the shower, together, with beer. Hmmm, thats a bit scary too, lol.

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    1. If you don't know who Kanye West is, then consider yourself a very lucky person. Just know that he's human shit, and he's married to human shit (Kim Kardashian).

      And it's best not to picture us in the shower... separate, or together. That's almost an automatic invite for night terrors.

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  37. Some wonderfully depraved questions met with equally depraved answers. You guys would fit right into our wack-a-doodle family. Thanks for the chuckles.

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    1. We take that as the highest form of compliment, and we also take that very seriously, so don't be surprised if we show up at your door with a 6 pack of beer and empty stomachs.

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  38. hahaha - You guys are witty..I remember when these questions were asked and some were rather amusing. So, glad you were able to shed some light on the refrigerator issue. Oh, and you have restored my faith in the male race nice to know some men see past the superficial offerings.

    Really this was hilarious and I can tell you guys put some real thought into these comments ..bravo..to the Kanye remark...

    I am noticing a lot of familiar faces here and it makes me smile..we are a community with a sense of humor..

    Oh and saw the banner over at the cat's place..nice job...

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    1. Aww yes! The new banner is up. Awesome! I'm quite proud of that.

      And yes, isn't the sense of community great? I'm just glad that we can share something ridiculous and off-color like today's post (hey, you guys asked) and have people laughing with us... not running in horror/disgust.

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  39. You teach things every week! Showers are not for sexy time. Good to know.

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    1. Not if you know what's good for you. Or I guess if you have one of those old people sitting showers... which... just kinda instantly kills the mood, I would think. But we're not ones to judge. :)

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  40. Glad to hear you two have never kayned in your pants!

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    1. That's something we need to put on our resumes.

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  41. You guys make everything too darn funny.

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    1. Well at least people can laugh with us rather than at us. Or not at all.

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  42. The post is hilarious, the questions were really funny and the answers...something else. When will I ever learn to not click on all the links you leave. 'Eskimo Brothers', I had heard the term and knew what it was, BUT YIKES and DOUBLE YIKES! What's wrong with those women? Never mind, don't answer that.

    Oh and the light in the refrigerator...didn't you ever see that little stick thing by the door that you just have to push in and the 'light goes off'. Ha, ha, ha!

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    1. Actually, I'm pretty sure that switch is just a diversion tactic. The real answer is in your heart; the light never really existed at all.

      Or at least that's what I'm sticking with to avoid knowing I could have just pressed the damn button and gotten the answer.

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  43. Concerning the sink, I feel deprived. My own experience sounds trivial -that of peeing into a pringles' can, only to discover that it doesn't hold much, s you have to stop, empty it, and start again.

    I don't get it. I've never heard of a pizza restaurant catering ANY church!

    Is it just me, or does anyone else think that Brandon doesn't look the same with purple hair?

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    1. Pringles - "once you pop, you can't stop!"

      Maybe if our old church catered pizza, we'd still go. A man cannot sustain himself on wine and Jesus crackers alone.

      And Brandon looks much better with purple hair. Really accentuates his breasts.

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  44. So Mr. RK just walked in naked right when I was reading, "Since my wife is in possession of my testicles..." Life imitates art!

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    1. I do hope that you're at least generous enough to give them back when he needs use of them.

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  45. Hahaha!!!!

    Dying.

    The skeletons in the fridge… and I love the swoony picture that you guys use of whoever that is (Brandon or Bryan, I can't remember… but that swoony pic cracks me up) EVER…

    There's no one else like you guys. So beyond original. Always fantastic. I hope you guys feel loved and appreciated and adored and I wouldn't even mind if you guys suddenly got egos. ;-)

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    1. We both have been known to swoon in our time, so that could very well be either of us. Speaking of which, I don't think we can ever get egos. No guy that 'swoons' deserves an ego.

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  46. So I guess inviting you to our local 'Testicle Festival' (yes, it's a thing here) is off the table...

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    1. I kinda want to know what that is, but I'm also too afraid to Google it. They don't happen to serve Rocky Mountain Oysters there, do they?

      (Those are fried bull testicles)

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    2. And tasty, crunchy, deep-fried pig testicles, etc... etc...

      There, I googled it for you, no need to thank me. http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Testicle_Festival

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    3. Wow, that's... disturbing! I'm a foodie, and I love trying adventurous new things, but I don't think I'd be crazy about spending a whole day putting different balls in my mouth...

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  47. I hope you've been rescued from the fridge already, and you're just minding the skeletons until your nice neighbors return! There are too many hilarious lines to mention, but the WWII conversation in the comments really deserves it's own future post! I also agree with you about giving up smell, but it's probably not worth it if it interferes with taste. This proves once again, how you guys are the masters of making everything funny!

    Julie

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    1. Unfortunately WWII girl didn't say anything else of note, so I don't know how I'd draw it out into a post. We'll just leave that as a dishonorable mention.

      Oh, and I thought everyone understood the end gag, but apparently only you did. See, those skeletons aren't ours. Those belong to the homeless people that we kill for sport. Have to store the bodies somewhere, you know!

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  48. The next time someone asks me if I've pooped in an uncomfortable place, which I'm always asked, I'll have to let them know that I've never made Kanye in an uncomfortable place.

    These questions were crazy. I think some want to know just how close the two of you are in real life. I'm just guessing years of bromance. :D

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    1. The bromance is not nearly as thick as some might think. We don't share beers. We don't hug. We don't get drunk and tell each other, "I love you bro, and I'll always be there for you."

      Ours is a bromance that is silent but well understood.

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  49. I'm wondering what's more hilarious? The questions or the answers?

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    1. You don't know how flattered and how honored we are to have readers that are as sick and twisted as we are... if not more. These kinds of Q and As definitely beat "What's your favorite color?" and "What's your favorite food?" any day.

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  50. Great answers to some very uh, interesting questions. I do (unfortunately) have a poop myself answer/incident in my past. The basics to a long story- it involved one very pregnant Jaybird, one bad taco from "thinking outside the bun" and a motocycle cop. If that stinking cop hadn't pulled up next to me at the traffic light, I would have been able to blow through the light and not my underwear. Sigh....and so it goes.

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    1. That's absolutely hilarious... and I hope you know that we're laughing with you, not at you. I can only imagine how awful that would be, and to be pregnant, to boot. I think this is just yet another reminder that children are the absolute worst... even before they're born. :)

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  51. I regret looking up Eskimo Brothers. Really, I do. Because I read the definition and laughed out loud - the for real kind, not the LOL kind. My daughter asked, "What's so funny?" I said, "I learned a new phrase but I can't tell you, although you've probably known it for five years."

    I'll join in at the pizza party for Dan. But, all I can bring is a six pack of Zima I've been hanging on to since the 90's. Cool?

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    1. Awww yeah! You bring the Zima, we'll bring the Crystal Pepsi! It'll be hella tight!

      Also, it's true. I'm amazed some of the filthy things that kids know. A kid once taught me about a thing called the rusty trombone. Go ahead, Google it. You know you don't want to.

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  52. "The last thing I need to lose is my house AND my dignity."
    I am afraid you're far too late for that.

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    1. Ba-ZING! Well, ain't that the truth? Week after week we degrade ourselves on this blog. At this point, I'd be shocked if we found that we had even an ounce of dignity left between the two of us.

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  53. This sure is a journey of discovery eh?

    I once went to a party, (which I did not like the host) and peed on her dog. It was so funny to watch her pet it and ask him why he was so wet! 17 years old seems like yestreday!

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    1. Wow, I don't think I've ever hated someone so much that I wanted to pee on their dog. That's a special level of hatred.

      And every blog post is a journey of self discovery. This week we learned that we're depraved assholes. Stay tuned for next week when we learn that lesson all over again.

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  54. I'm just now catching up with my reading - seeing the light at the end of the A to Z tunnel.
    Thanks for answering my question - good answer too!

    I really enjoyed the questions your readers came up with - some I outright laughed at, and your combined answers were a hoot too.

    The peeing story cracked me up. Being an outdoorsy gal I'm not against watering the poison ivy… hahahaha the stories we can tell!

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    1. I haven't peed on poison ivy, but maybe I'll have to give that a try some day. As a man, the world is my urinal. Or at least that's what I tried to tell the arresting officer. He was not having it.

      What sense would YOU lose, anyway?

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  55. Yeah, the showering together thing is spot on. Besides, my girlfriend is like a Targaryen; while the water is scalding my genitalia she's having no problem being directly under the torrent of lava pouring from the shower head.

    And, I can't believe the light goes out in the fridge. Next thing you'll tell me is the tooth fairy is actually my mother.

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    1. Mine seems to be the opposite problem. My wife likes running the shower water very lukewarm, so while she's rinsing off and fully immersed in water I get to stand in the corner shivering my ass off. That's no fun for anyone. Plus, you wouldn't even believe how many times she's knocked over my beer...

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  56. Loved this post. You guys are hysterical! I've missed you!

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