Jeff Bushman: What would life be like for you if you were chicks? Brianna and Brendalina? What would you write about then? Do you think your blog could possibly be as hysterical as it is now? Would it have a new title such as A Candle for the Bathtub?
Easy. We can answer all of that in one comic.
Sure, we'd each have a rockin' pair of bewbs and a few ovaries rattlin' around in our bodies, but blog life wouldn't be all that different for Brenda and Bryanna, and we'd like to think that we'd be just as funny as we are now. The level of funny isn't dictated by what you've got between your legs. And to prove that, all of today's comics will feature our new female personas.
So welcome to A Wine for the John, where after a hard, agonizing day, sometimes it's just nice to lock yourself in the bathroom and drown your sorrows in a cheap bottle of wine or three... just so long as you don't literally drown yourself in your tub.
Dixie: I was wondering about your water activities. Do you swim? Ski? Pontoon? Canoe? Tubing Parasail? (And, no, I don't need to know about bathing... we know you shower with a beer!)
Brandon: I was on the high school swim team a long time ago and do still swim occasionally for exercise. It's much easier on my ego now that my only competition is a pool full of geriatric women doing aquatarobics. I feel like an Olympic god in the water now. Also, I grew up with plenty 'o' redneck friends and have done my share of hillbilly water sportsing.
Bryan: Can I just say that "I was wondering about your water activities" is probably the best conversation starter I've ever heard? I think I'm gonna use that one at my next family gathering. So... I actually can't swim. At all. I sink like a stone and the water terrifies me. I could probably manage to drown in the bathtub if I tried hard enough. I have gone whitewater rafting, though, because the river is only about 3 feet tall. Anything over that is off limits and likely full of sharks and killer octopus and death. Or so I tell myself.
Mayor Gia: Hmm....what's your most embarrassing guilty pleasure? I'm really looking for embarrassing here. Not "I spend too much time watching my cat do stupid things." Everyone does that. More like "When I'm all alone I put on my comfy pjs and binge watch dance moms and read erotic harry potter fanfiction" embarrassing.
Brandon: I enjoy M. Night Shyamalan movies.
Bryan: Sometimes, when I'm alone, I wrap myself up in a sleeping bag and lather butter all over myself and slide around the kitchen floor pretending I'm a slug. Actually, I just wanted to sound different. My embarrassing guilty pleasure is also movie related. I love Jason Statham action movies. I know they're ridiculous and idiotic. I know I'm going to watch him do something stupid like jump start his own heart with a car battery or deflect a rocket with a pizza pan but I don't care. Logic be damned. I love every stupid moment of it.
Bouncin' Barb: What is your wife's biggest pet peeve about you?
Brandon: I frequently put almost-empty boxes/bottles of things back in the cupboard and refrigerator. And I refuse to change.
Bryan: Oh, this is easy. I am a trail of crumbs. If you want to know where I am at any given time, just follow the crumbs. Apparently my mouth just sucks at chewing, or I eat like a slack jawed mongoloid, or I crush everything I eat with my brutish hands, because I drop crumbs like Michael J. Fox drops quarters at a car wash.
Gayathri: 1) are you bored by non creative people? Are your wives and friends also creative people? Do you find yourself judging all the mundane folk out there with boring accountant or IT jobs?
Brandon: I'm only really bored by boring people. And internet videos that are non-cat-related. None of our friends are the creative sort, thankfully. Not to be a dick, but a lot of artistic types tend to drive me nuts with their pretentious bullshit.
Bryan: Amen. I know we have dickish moments, but I hope neither of us comes across as that particular kind of arrogant douche, because it's annoying as hell. Writing is hard, but so is being an accountant and balancing people's finances. Their job isn't any less interesting or important than ours just because they speak in numbers and we speak in words. Besides, if everyone's creative, then no one's creative. And that in itself is boring. We both love when people come up to us and say, "Wow, I just read (insert book here) and it was so imaginative. How did you ever think up something like that?" That sure beats, "Nice story, but I could think of a hundred better ways to have ended it, you lazy, unoriginal hacks. And yes, I do want fries with that."
Gayathri: 2) if you were forced to study something as abstract as microbiology or engineering or if you had to work a terribly boring job, how would you work your way around it? How would you still manage to be the amazing writers that you are? A simpler way to put this question would be how would you balance between the things you want to do and the things you have no choice but to do?
Brandon: Until we can sell our souls like James Patterson (and people willingly buy them), you just described what we call daily life.
Bryan: I worked in IT for 10 years before I quit my job to write full time, and even now, I'm busier than I ever was with a 40 hour a week job. I wish it was as simple as wake up, write the next great American novel, drink beer, write some more, sleep... but life isn't like that. It's chock full of things we have no choice but to do. It's all about time management and making the best of the writing time you have.
Gayathri: 3) your worst boss? Or the teacher you hated the most? The story surrounding that person.
Brandon: I had an elementary school teacher who once asked me to "stop writing all those made-up stories and write something useful during English period." To her, I now write my most poignant, simple, and attenuated philosophy: Fuck you.
Bryan: Well, since he already covered teacher, I'll tell you about my worst boss. Who was actually the CEO of the company. He was a cheap, elderly man who didn't even understand how computers worked... and so naturally he liked to run the IT department. He once joked that I was so good I could run our entire department singlehandedly... So he fired our entire department and had me do the job of five people. And did I mention he was cheap? Our Christmas bonus was a dollar store card with a five dollar bill in it. He then held a pledge drive to raise money for his grandchildren's Christmas presents at which point the fives were all taken back. Mind you, as the CEO he was most likely worth millions.
Gayathri: 4) we know a lot of people you hate, so someone you admire? And why you admire that person?
Brandon: I admire Stan Lee. Even if his many creative babies have been bastardized and pimped beyond all recognition, he was an innovator in his time and remains one of my biggest influences. And I met him once and he was a hell of a nice guy.
Bryan: I admire M. Night Shyamalan. He keeps making bad movie after bad movie after bad movie, and yet still, no matter how much people hate him for it, he keeps putting out bad movies. You have to admire his dedication, even if you can't admire anything else.
Gayathri: 5) I'm asking way too many questions, but your opinions on YouTubers/vloggers? And also would you ever make vlogs?
Brandon: I make axes, munitions, and horror stories. Some people make vlogs. Everyone needs a hobby.
Bryan: I have no problems with vlogs themselves. I have a problem with 90% of the vlogs on YouTube being pure shit. The ones that are good, though, are good because those people have a particular talent for vlogging. Staring and talking into a camera for 10 minutes is not our particular talent. We'd rather write killer novels and stupid cartoons that make us laugh.
Gayathri: 6) your favorite people on the Internet?
Brandon: Magneto. I'll bet Magneto is a total troll.
Bryan: I think you misspelled "c-a-t-s" as "p-e-o-p-l-e," but I won't hold that against you. My favorite cats are Keyboard Cat (God rest his kitty soul), Nyan Cat, and Longcat. Everyone else on the Internet is a troll or a pervert. Sometimes both. In fact, now that we've made ourselves into women for this post, we eagerly await perverted responses from random browsers that don't realize we're actually two dudes.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: B.B. King (The Thrill Has Gone)
Wine: Brancott Sauv. Blanc