Monday, April 20, 2015

I Didn't Like You

When I first met you, Jonathan, I didn't like you. I didn't like the way you acted. I didn't like the way you looked. I didn't like the way you looked at me.

I didn't want a chihuahua in my life.


I was told you were supposed to be a yappy little purse dog that bit ankles and shredded slippers. I was told you would be 5 lbs of teeth and shaking and pure hatred...

But surprisingly, you weren't. You just kinda sat there at first. And stared at me. And I couldn't figure out if that was a good thing or a bad thing. Some days I thought you were trying to figure me out. Other days I just thought you were silently plotting my death.




I still didn't like you.

You have dopey little Yoda ears, and Cheech and Chong eyes that make you look like you're high all the time, and you can't even jump onto the couch without assistance. You're essentially a cat without any of the perks of having a cat.



I married into you, and I made sure to tell everyone you were my wife's dog, because surely a man such as I would never be seen in public with this shivering 5 lb paperweight. And a chihuahua named Jonathan, at that! Could your mother have picked a more ridiculous name?

But still, we had to get along. We had to work things out for the sake of the marriage. And since you can't speak English and I can't speak chihuahua, we've had to coexist in complete silence, speaking only through our actions. And through that, I've actually come to learn a few things about you.

You've taught me that you like dancing. Like, when a really good song starts playing and I start dancing around like an idiot, your tail starts wagging and you start dancing along with me... well, as much so as an anorexic rat-dog can.


(And I guess anyone who doesn't judge me for dancing in my underwear in the living room can't entirely be terrible...)

You've taught me how to relax. You've taught me to take things slow. You've shown me that sometimes a few extra Zs are more important than rushing and stressing and getting yourself into a worry over something that can be dealt with later.



And as someone who suffers with depression, you've taught me how to fight off the sadness and the loneliness that sometimes creeps into the corners of my mind, and this too you've done without saying a word. You don't have to. But if you did, I bet you'd only have to say three words. And no, they're not the ever-cheesy "I love you."





...But I still don't like you.

After all, you're just a shaky little twerp that runs to my lap, trembling in fear when a strong gust of wind blasts through the window, and I'm the asshole that tells you it's just your real dad coming to take you away... even if I'm hugging you back as I say it.

I've joked more times than I care to remember about how easy it'd be to punt you like a football, or flush you down the toilet, or drop you out the window and let a strong breeze just carry you away. But I've never really meant it. I never really wanted you gone.

I came downstairs to check on you this morning, and you were laying on your favorite bed, refusing to move even as I told you it was time for a walk. Your eyes wouldn't open. I thought you were just being lazy.



But you were gone.

You came into my life, you shared your personality with me, you helped me through hard times, and then you left, all without saying a single word. And even if we never had a method in which to verbally communicate what we meant to one another, I can only hope that you felt it through my actions. That you felt safe. Cared for. Happy. And I hope and pray that up until your last breath you knew with every fiber of your being that I didn't like you.

I loved you.

And I'm gonna miss you like fucking crazy.

~Bryan

Regular posting will resume next week. Please excuse my absence around the blogosphere this week. I just need a little time for myself. Not to be alone. Just to be by myself.


61 comments:

  1. Awww, dude, that was heartbreaking. Sorry for your loss and that was a touching tribute.

    ReplyDelete
  2. I'm really sorry! He was family and even if you didn't like him, his absence will be a void in your life.
    Although I think you really did like him.

    ReplyDelete
  3. Sorry for your loss. Dogs are people too, no matter what others try to tell you. I understand what you're going through as I recently lost....well I don't want to say too much because I'm actually in the process of writing about. But I feel your pain.

    God be with you, and may He bless and keep little Jonathan!

    ReplyDelete
  4. I am so sorry. I know how you feel my cat that had been sick died last week and I haven't been able to write anything (more so than usual lol). People who say animals aren't like people are crazy. I like even my most annoying pet better than I do most people I encounter. My coworker and daughter both have chihuahua's and love them. Sometimes they bring them into the office. They always growl and try to attach my ankles.

    ReplyDelete
  5. I'm really sorry for your loss Bryan. The hardest part about having a pet is knowing that you're going to outlive it for years. I'm glad that over time you and Jonathan really started to get along and he turned out to be way cooler than you were expecting. The fact he would always jump in to your lap and be friendly and loving shows that yeah, that little guy loved you no matter all the things you said to him. Take all the time you need, mourn him in your own way, and remember that then, now, and forever you're never alone.

    ReplyDelete
  6. And here I thought this was going to be the first ever "some things in the world are pretty okay" post on here.
    That's really sad, I'm sorry for your loss. But all good things come to an end eventually. Jonathan's now probably having the time of his after-life in doggy heaven, reliving and cherishing every moment of love he got from you and your wife.
    Stay strong!

    ReplyDelete
  7. I am so sorry to hear this. I have tears in my eyes reading this. My mother had two chihuahuas and they were adorable little dogs. I know just how you feel Bryan. Do get another dog it will help you deal with the loss.

    ReplyDelete
  8. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. looks like I posted the same comment twice. Oops.

      Delete
  9. Aww. This was such a sweet tribute. I'm so sorry for your loss. Jonathan will always be with you, in spirit. And maybe dog heaven has a chihuahua English translator and Jonathan can finally read this. :)

    ReplyDelete
  10. Oh, that's so sad! My condolences to you and your wife. Sounds like Jonathan brought so much joy into your lives, pound for pound much more than he weighed.

    ReplyDelete
  11. Ah crap that's sad. I don't have any comforting words, just know that I'm not making fun of you out of respect. Now I know why people double-down on dogs. Sorry for your loss. Sounds like he had a great life and a peaceful end. You can't ask for more than that. That last picture is a very nice tribute.

    ReplyDelete
  12. Your Ode to Jonathan was fantastic.

    I am sorry it happened - losing a pet is of course losing a member of the family.

    But if this is what happens when yuo face adversity, then you need to face more adversity.

    I wish you the best in getting through this week, and I'll have a couple drinks for Jonathan

    ReplyDelete
  13. Sounds like you loved to poke fun and he enjoyed it too. Poor guy went peacefully though, losing a pet is never easy. But having a great life is the best way to be and he surely had that, especially with no being dropped out the window.

    ReplyDelete
  14. I am sorry. One day before I am ready, that will be me and my cat, Lacey and I know I will be a basket case when that happens, I'd give you a hug if I could.

    ReplyDelete
  15. Bryan:
    I can totally understand your situation.
    Yeah, pets can be an RPIA at times, but they also got this "unconditional love" gig going on.
    (wish more PEOPLE had that working for them).
    In may ways, it's THE perfect love-hate relationship (without a diamond ring, flowers, candy or the mushy "I love you" stuff...lol.)
    It's more inferred and acknowledged...and that works BOTH ways of the evolutionary chain.

    I STILL remember all the pets I've lost and part of them will ALWAYS be with me.
    I miss every one of them...daily.
    (Obviously, they made their mark...be it in your heart, or sometimes, on the carpet...heh)
    Hang in there - you're not alone.

    Stay safe out there.

    ReplyDelete
  16. I'm sorry for your loss, Bryan. I don't need to tell you that losing a friend is never easy, but the way you honored his life in this blog post was very touching. Take some time to recuperate and remember him, and be sure to turn to your loved ones if times get too difficult.

    My family's Shiba Inu passed this past week (The one from my blog). However, he's lived with my parents since I moved out a few years back, so--as cold as it is to say--the news of his passing was slightly easier than if I'd been living with him all this time. Nevertheless, when I saw the incoming call from my mother, I knew the news was going to be difficult to hear.

    Take care of yourself, and be sure to pour some beer our for Jonathan.

    ReplyDelete
  17. They are our family. They can whine, they need to go for walks and we pick up their poop. They look at us goofy and can fart which makes one's nose hairs melt but they are family. My heart goes out to you as well as my prayers and thoughts. I still miss my Katie who has been gone 2 1/2 years. My friend lost her little pug and made a nice garden for her in the back yard. I have made a scrap book of my Katie. You must cherish and honour his memory and let this week go by. In time you will adjust but at least you and your wife have one another. My friend has another pug and I have my Wallace. They do not replace our loved one but they help ease the pain and we gain another family member. In time you may do this. Until then-I send you hugs

    ReplyDelete
  18. I didn't was a chihuahua, either. In fact, when we went to look at dogs at the humane society, the one thing I said was, "We're not getting a chihuahua."
    Of course, we got a chihuahua. Well, half chihuahua (the other half is German Shepherd) but, still.
    She stole my heart.

    ReplyDelete
  19. This is so touching. I actually got all choked up at the end, even though I suspected from the beginning of your story what might be coming up. I'm glad you two formed such a good friendship, and I'm sorry for your loss. I know that sounds super cheesy and cliche, but I really mean it. Hugs from Utah, my friend.

    ReplyDelete
  20. Oh Bryan, I'm feeling my eyes well...Hugs. So sorry. Be good to yourself.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Aw man. Bryan, I am so, so sorry!! Our pets become a part of us and our family, because of all their silly traits and quirks, we love them all the more. I have yet to live with a "normal" cat or dog and I'd hate to anyway. I'm sending big hugs to you, and Meli, as I am sure you are both greatly feeling this loss. My heart goes out to both of you. So, so sorry.

    ReplyDelete
  22. Well, dammit. I'm still crying. I read through all of the comments, hoping that would stem the tide. I think it just made it worse.

    I'm clearly not on my "game," because I only figured out what was coming just before it happened. Damn. I think I can say with a fair degree of certainty that I take the deaths of pets about as well as I take the deaths of humans. Not well. Not well at all. I'm completely disheartened and sad by the death of Jonathan... and I didn't even know him. (Yeah, still crying...) So, I'm so sorry for your loss. Honestly, I'm not sure how you got through the writing of this post.

    I don't know how other people deal with these sorts of things, but I firmly believe that all dogs (and cats and pets of any variety) go to heaven. There they wait for the people who loved them best to come back. After my father died, one of my favorite ways to imagine him was surrounded by all of the dogs we've had over the years. When my dog died last year (I thought that was going to be a mortal wound for me, but I'm still here) I told dad to take care of my dog until I got there. So now he has one more in his pack.

    Hang in there, Bryan, and allow your other furry friends to comfort you in this terrible time. I'll be praying for you, too. ((Hugs))

    ReplyDelete
  23. Now, I'm tearing up. Pets have always been a big part of my life - we had a chihuahua at one time and I loved it. I can certainly understand the depth of your loss (whether you "like it" or not).

    What is it with the fellas? Gals are all about dog love with wild abandon. My toy poodle LOVES my husband and he will say stuff like, "we're never getting another dog." All the while, she looks at him like she is in love. Then I see him driving her through the neighborhood in his macho truck - just because she likes to stick her head out the window and feel the breeze.

    Dogs fetch your heart.

    ReplyDelete
  24. I'm sorry for the loss, it hurts losing a pet, as they become part of the family. We care for them, they sense when things aren't right with us. I wrote about my cat when I lost him too. Hang in there for sure, and try to remember the things that little mutt taught you. My mother had a chihuahua named BoBo, so Jonathan is a better name IMO. He has gone to doggie heaven, too. If there is one. . .Remember All Dogs go to Heaven, the movie?

    ReplyDelete
  25. OMG, there are no words.

    If I can help in any way please let me know.

    ReplyDelete
  26. Awe, I'm so sorry Bryan. That post has me crying like a blubbering idiot. Dogs are so awesome because they think everything you do is so great. Jonathan thought that about you every single day, but most especially when you danced in your polka dotted boxer shorts with socks.

    ReplyDelete
  27. Bryan- I had a bad feeling from the start of this post, and while I laughed at loud at much of it, the end was not in doubt for me, and I am truly sorry.

    I still remember when Buddy (the best cat who ever graced the earth with the imprint of his paw) died and I had to take the day off from work. I felt like and idiot but it left a freaking VOID!.

    But like all losses, the sadness does pass and what you remember are the funny moments (although I still feel guilty for every time I yelled at Buddy for being on the counter, and try not to yell at the two cat landlords I currently lease from.).

    And I know you probably don't need me to tell you that.

    And for what it's worth, I still remind the current cat that there's plenty of cats at that PetSmart adoption center where he came from, and I call them both into the room every time that ASPCA commercial with Sarah McLachlan comes on. And I give them grief for not teaming up to push the lawn mower while I am at work all day.

    And confirm what they know all to well...I am lucky to have them.

    I am truly sorry for your loss, my friend.

    Larry

    ReplyDelete
  28. All tearful here. I have 2 chihuahuas (hated the beasts before I got them on a whim) and I adore them now. Very sorry for you.

    ReplyDelete
  29. Hugs, my dear friend. I'm so sorry Jonathon's gone but I'm glad he was able to lift your spirits when you needed that bonding that only a dog can provide. They're funny that way. It's like they sense the sadness and want to take it away. I understand the pain and the void. There are no words to express how empty we feel when we lose our campions. You sound very much like my brother and his chihuahua. It was his daughter's and he didn't want anything to do with it. My brother was a big dog only kinda guy…until that dog entered his life. That dog became his more than my neice's and when he passed, my brother crumbled.

    "Many people will walk in and out of your life but only true friends leave a footprint" (paw print). Eleanor Roosevelt. - taken from our memorial of Charlie who passed a few months ago.

    ReplyDelete
  30. I know how you feel. And some day not far off, I'll know again.

    ReplyDelete
  31. I started off with a huge smile and now... tears... :(
    I'm sorry for your loss. This was a sweet tribute, though. Hugs!

    ReplyDelete
  32. Sorry for the loss your dog, my dog is in her later years. Some times she doesn't respond (or just ignores me) when she's laying down and I just hope she's not dead.

    ReplyDelete
  33. Aww, man, sorry to learn this, BEER BROTHER. I just now got on the Internet for the first time today and this is what I find. Damn.

    >>... Cheech and Chong eyes

    But even through your pain, you made me laugh. Take it easy, Bryan. I know how it feels because I've been there a few times myself and it really is like losing a member of the family. My condolences to you and Meli.

    I'd send you SIX OF THESE, but it wouldn't help. Plus, I like you too much to do that to ya.

    Yak Later, 6-B.

    ~ D-FensDogG (or, Al M. Sadtuuh)

    ReplyDelete
  34. Awwww I'm so sorry. :( Losing a dog sucks, even if it's a silly little yippy chihuahua.

    ReplyDelete
  35. Sorry for your loss, Bryan. Losing a pet sucks, regardless of circumstances.

    ReplyDelete
  36. So sorry your little buddy is gone. I dread the day when it happens to me. I wish you well!

    ReplyDelete
  37. I'm so sorry for your loss. I grew up with a Chihuahua in my life. Her name was Little Bit, and she died in my mother's arms. Now I have big dogs, and it's hurts like hell when each of them has crossed the bridge. Warm thoughts to you and Jonathan. That wet spot you feel on your cheek is him giving you a kiss for being such a great buddy.

    ReplyDelete
  38. Sorry for the loss of your friend. Even small dogs leave a big mark

    ReplyDelete
  39. Gee, this is so sad, I am weeping like a willow in a rainstorm. So sorry for the loss of your little friend. I am certain he crossed that animal bridge in the upper world. ..hugs..gee, still crying..

    ReplyDelete
  40. That was touching.....so sorry for your loss.

    ReplyDelete
  41. I had a Chihuahua too. His name was Booger and he lived up to his name. He was a feisty little bastard and would snuggle only when he wanted. Sadly, we lost him last year to cancer so I feel your pain. My condolences.

    ReplyDelete
  42. Bryan, I can guarantee you that "alone" is something you'll never be. Half the reason is that practically EVERYONE either is dealing with mental illness, has dealt with it in the past or cares a lot for someone who seals/dealt with it. By now I've honestly lost count of the number of people who have admitted to me that they struggle.

    The other half of the reason is that you (and Brandon) are clearly the best examples of human beings that the world has to offer. You genuinely care about the world and its people, you find laughter in the shit bits of life and you spread that laughter and joy better than anyone else I've met. If you're ever in deep, serious trouble and there's no one you know personally who can help, I'd buy a plane ticket and fly straight over to do what I can. Next time you feel alone, think about how even through an impersonal medium like the internet, that sense of joy you have shines so brightly that it can make people from across the world that you don't even know feel a connection with you.

    I guess I fixated on that part of the post because I don't know what I could say to make you feel better about Jonathan. I'm so sorry you had to lose him and it sucks that nothing I can say will bring him back. I just hope that as time goes on, it gets easier to live without him. Please let us know if it doesn't.

    I don't like you either man (you know how the rest of that goes ;))

    ReplyDelete
  43. One thing that struck me as I read the post and the comments-what's with all the chihuahua hating?

    After those old Taco Bell commercials, and the movie Hot Shots, I kind of think the little critters are cool!

    Larry

    ReplyDelete
  44. Well, now I'm crying. I'm sorry for your loss, I had to get my dog put down a couple of years ago, it really is heartbreaking.

    ReplyDelete
  45. It's a high price we pay for bringing them into our lives. I am afraid I will never be alone, but I can live with that. There are more of them out there that need you and that you need although you may not realize it for a while. You are not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  46. Now I'm all fucking teary eyed. Not just because I empathize, and that's a large part of it, but because it reminds me of similar relationships I've gone through. With dogs I tried not to like. You get it.

    I'm sure Jonathan knew.

    ReplyDelete
  47. I'm so sorry for your loss. Losing a little furred friend is never easy.

    ReplyDelete
  48. And now I'm crying.

    If you need anything, you know where to find me. (Virtually, not literally, or I've made my location too obvious.)

    ReplyDelete
  49. Oh! Big hugs from the left coast, I'm so sorry! I love my cats more than most people. And they've gotten me through lots of depression as well.

    ReplyDelete
  50. I'm so sorry, Bryan. This was such a beautifully written tribute to your little friend. I'm sure Jonathan understood how much you loved him, and you made the most out of your short time together. Take care of yourself Bryan, and please extend my deepest sympathies to your wife.

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
  51. Big hugs, my friend. I am so sorry to hear of your loss. Our pets are so much a part of the family, and when they're gone, their absence is missed. Come back after you've dealt with the loss of your little buddy.

    ReplyDelete
  52. Dude, you have my most sincerest condolences. It's never easy when a pet passes away, because as you say, a little bit of you goes away as well. Having gone through a few fadeaways of some cherished family pets (and a cat as well), I can genuinely sympathize with what you're going through.

    Keep the faith and we'll leave the light on for you.

    ReplyDelete
  53. Gentle hugs. They come and steal a piece of your heart; and you're not alone.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Poor little creature. I'm so sorry to hear that. :(

    ReplyDelete
  55. Bryan,
    I apologize for responding so late in the week. I hope you'd had a chance to catch you breath. Johnathan was a sweet one. Sending good thoughts to you and your wife. (smile).

    ReplyDelete
  56. In the craziness of getting ready for Ray's last art show and my trip to NJ, I got behind on my blog reads. I am soooo very sorry to ready about Jonathan. I can't imagine what you were going through and your wife too. I believe we definitely see our pets again when we cross over. Hugs to you both.

    ReplyDelete
  57. In the craziness of getting ready for Ray's last art show and my trip to NJ, I got behind on my blog reads. I am soooo very sorry to ready about Jonathan. I can't imagine what you were going through and your wife too. I believe we definitely see our pets again when we cross over. Hugs to you both.

    ReplyDelete