Monday, April 13, 2015

Answering Questions and Pummeling Babies

You know the drill. Two weeks ago we asked you to ask us anything. So you did. You really did. Last week we made a sad attempt at shoveling answers out of the mountain of questions you asked us, and this week we're gonna answer some more. So let's hop to it.

Misha: I'm digging the new look. What inspired the pictures?

A few people asked about this, and we assume you mean our awesome new banner. We designed it that way because it's all about what you're gonna get here.

It has the two of us looking our (not) finest, it has a book with a page bitten off (we wrote a kickass zombie novel that's gotten nothing but praise), beer, pets that are assholes, drunken shenanigans (passed out guy), the unexpected (demon spying on us while smoking a cig), and gross misinformation, which you may remember from our killer guide to the female body aka the vagina is a scary cow monster.

But above all, it gives you no right to complain if you read our comics, because when you load up the website there's a baby getting punched right in the face, front and center. When you visit ABftS you know EXACTLY what you're getting into.




So hello, you sick bastards. Just know you're all in good company.

Jo Henderson: How old are the pair of you? And which one is a minister?

The pair of us is 62 years old... but individually we're each 31. Mentally we're 8 years old, and we still get carded for rated R movies, so on most days I guess we look (and act) like overgrown teenagers. And Bryan is indeed an ordained minister, so if you ever need a wedding or a baptism or an exorcism... you know where to find us.

Cherdo: What's up with Downton Abbey - next season is their last one? I'll bet you guys are crushed, too.

Brandon: I've never watched it. Isn't it like the British version of Jersey Shore or something? God, I bet English Snookie is one silly little twat...
Bryan: Uh, actually, I know all about this show because I watch it... with the wife. That's my totally valid excuse for viewing. And hey, better to go out on top than fizzle out by beating everyone's storylines to death. Plus, as Maggie Smith said of her character, Granny: "I think she must be about 110 by now."

Cherdo: Do you like to travel? How far away from home sweet home have you ventured?

Brandon: I am what you might call "deathly afraid" of man-made flying machines. So, no, I don't really like to travel. I do, however, force myself to do it, which usually means spending too much money drinking airport booze beforehand and reaching my destination with the beginnings of a midday hangover. The farthest I've ventured from home (yet) is glorious Cancun, Mexico, where the herpes flows like wine, and your bellboy will sell you any drug you want...and then threaten to report you to la policia unless you give him back those drugs, along with all of your money.
Bryan: What he said. Something about the possibility of plunging 40,000 feet to my death inside a sardine can packed full of people makes me require mass amounts of alcohol before boarding. But I still do it. Farthest I've ever gone was Thailand, where I trained Muay Thai kickboxing AND sang karaoke with a major general of the Thai army. He's better at a left hook than he is at singing a hook, but it was still a pretty incredible experience.

Oh, and to reiterate from both of us... fuck flying. As we posted before, everything about flying is awful.


Cherdo: Do you have any pets?

We both have goddamn animal farms. It's ludicrous. Vacuums wish for death when we buy them. Brandon has 2 cats and 2 dogs, and not to be outdone, Bryan has 4 dogs, 2 cats, and enough shed pet hair to form another animal entirely.

Cherdo: What is your FAVORITE joke of all time? Spit it out.

Brandon: World peace. Too dark? Too real, ISIS?
Bryan: A woman's checking out at the grocery store. On the conveyor belt she has a loaf of bread, a carton of milk, 3 bell peppers, 2 tomatoes, half a watermelon, and a box of crackers. A man gets behind her in line, looks at her items, and then looks at her and says "I bet you $10 you're single."

The woman says, "Why yes, actually, I am single. But none of these items would seem to indicate that. How did you know I'm single?" And the man says, "Because you're ugly as fuck."

Spacerguy: Do either of you watch Star Trek or Star Wars and if so which is your favorite and why?

Both of us have watched almost all of the flavors of Star Trek at some point or another and we've seen all of the Star Wars movies, but I don't know if you can really call us fans. We're more into sci-fi like Doctor Who. We do like to read sci-fi, though, and we even wrote a sci-fi novelette. But we'll probably not be attending any Star Wars conventions.


S.K. Anthony: What are your tips to get the best and sexiest Twerks? :P

Based on the little sarcastic face at the end I'm assuming this is a joke question, but you know what? We're going to answer it seriously anyway. The key is to really put your butt into it. Lead with the butt. Follow it. Trust it. Let it be your spiritual guide. Whatever you do, don't twerk with the back. You'll end up looking like a cat that's about to projectile vomit.


Katy Anders: Have you ever considered changing this into a single theme blog - like a mommy blog or a music news page or a blog that takes on controversial contemporary political issues?

No, if only because it's fun not to have to commit to any single theme. We can post about whatever the hell we want, and that sweet freedom is priceless. Besides, we don't like most modern mainstream music and neither of us has a decent set of tits, so the mommy blog theme or the music news theme probably isn't gonna happen any time soon.



Now, speaking of controversial contemporary political issues...

Bob G. (we're answering half of your Qs today): Politics - yes, no, or WTF?

Thank God you left in that third answer, because we're more along the lines of WTF? Many people say "we're proud conservatives!" and other people say "we're proud liberals!" and we say "fuck you, we hate all of you. Now get off my goddamn front step because I'm not going to vote for you anyway, you slimy back-alley Washington prostitutes."

In other words, we don't care much for politics. Which is why we don't gripe about it around here. But if you want us to be topical and relevant, then here's a politically-themed comic. See, Rand Paul just recently announced he's going to run for president, and you can support his campaign by buying stupid shit in his webstore. Hurray for us all...


I don't think we have to tell you that anyone who wears Rand Paul flip flops can go jump off a bridge into piranha infested waters. But the same goes for anyone who buys a Hillary Clinton fanny pack or Ted Cruz Crocs. We can't stand any of you... equally.

Bob G: Any personal "foibles" you care to share?

My friend, our blog is a weekly look into our daily foibles. We can't think of a single foible we haven't posted yet, and if we do, rest assured it'll be cartoonized. Making fun of the flip-flop wearing mop-head that is Rand Paul is fun and all, but making fun of ourselves is even more fun.

So stay tuned for next week when we take a brief break from answering your questions to bring you the tale of how a popular crowdfunding site led us to poverty, depravity, and even murder.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Music: Alexisonfire
Beer: Joseph James Hop Box

116 comments:

  1. Flying just sucks period. I don't want to die in a sardine can either. Plus I always get the obnoxious kid kicking my seat the whole way.
    Actually I think you guys would do well with a mommy blog. With those tips, it would the most popular one out there.

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    1. That's not a bad idea. We'd be the mommy blog that says what every other mommy blog is afraid to say - kids are terrible and drinking is the only thing that makes life whole again.

      Delete
  2. "or a blog that takes on controversial contemporary political issues?"
    Wait, that isn't what's been happening here? Oh.

    Politics though, you're absolutely right. Even though they call it a democracy, it doesn't matter any bit what you vote for. Promises won't be kept and everything politicians said they stood for goes out the window once they've secured a place for themselves. Anyone who tries to change that gets shut down by the rest of the government.

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    1. Yeah, right? Especially here in 'Murica. We'll have a democrat president for 8 years, and the republicans will cry that he's driving the country into the ground. Then a republican president will take over... and nothing will change. And the democrats will all cry that the republicans are driving the country into the ground. Then a democrat takes over again... then nothing changes... then more crying...

      It doesn't matter who's driving the bus, kids. It's still going straight over the side of a cliff.

      Delete
  3. I just read and enjoyed your novelette Empirical Evidence. Reading your blog I wouldn't have expected such a story from you. It was quite different. I'm with you about politics. And I really don't know what twerking is.

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    1. Ha! We take that as both a great compliment and maybe some kind of sign that we should convey to people that we aren't smart asses ALL of the time. Just MOST of the time.

      Delete
    2. Also it's probably for the best that you don't know what twerking is. It's a dance that people do when they have more butt than brains.

      Delete
  4. I can't believe neither of you has a decent set of tits. No moobs in a wife beater? Sad, just sad!

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    1. Maybe we need implants. We can start the mommy blog of our dreams, plus, I always have constant access to tits. Who cares if they're my own?

      Delete
  5. I'm with Alex, flying is a living nightmare. I tried writing a mommy blog sarcastically and got nothing but compliments from actual mommy boggers, which leads me to believe they don't understand satire, or they are pumped so full of prescription drugs they're numb to irony. I had no idea Rand Paul was selling merch. That's hilarious. He's like the Duck Dynasty of politicians.

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    1. As I was recently telling Katy Anders, I've seen mommy blogs where they get spam comments like, "great post! follow me back!" and the mommy blogger will reply with a genuine, "Why thank you! I'm so glad you liked it! I'd be happy to follow you back! Your blog looks so cool! What's your name? I'm Jennifer! It's nice to meet you!"

      Maybe that's just what it's like to be drunk at 10 in the morning every morning.

      But having kids is a blessing, Pickleope. IT'S A BLESSING.

      Delete
  6. lol I think you have some great mommy blog ideas. I can honestly say I've read worse. I'm so glad I am not the only person with a pet farm and looks and act like a teenager. But in my case I look more like elementary school. 3rd graders are tall these days.

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    1. Man, you have to be really careful when dating, don't you? I bet you're a pedophile's wet dream. "What do you mean you want to play 'doctor' now? And why did you get me a Raggedy Ann costume?"

      Delete
    2. The raggedy ann costume was already mine.... But yeah I suck at dating.

      Delete
  7. I see you are answering questions from those who asked multiple questions. Last week it was the Fang show. This week, Cherdo and Bob G. Which such a large following shouldn't you be moving on to questions that many others have asked?

    As for politics, I hate it too. But, it is very important to at least pay close attention to what they're doing in Washington. We're on the brink of a revolution...it's best to be educated on why we are fighting in the first place. When the shit hits the fan and this country falls into chaos you just can't go charging into Washington with a pitchfork chanting "Death to Hilary!" without even knowing why.

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    1. We're just kinda randomly jumping all over the board with no real rhyme or reason as to which we're picking.

      Also, I need a reason to stab Hillary Clinton in the heart with a pitchfork? That's news to me.

      Delete
    2. I guess it's okay if you stab Hilary Clinton in the heart with a pitchfork without having a reason, since the end result would be the same. But it would look a lot cooler and more inspiring if you stabbed Hilary Clinton in the heart with a pitchfork and backed it up with a strong and educated political speech about the oppressive and over-reaching government.

      And it matters not which questions you choose to answer, so long as you answer them as promised. I just needed a reason to give you a hard time....or do I need a reason?

      Delete
  8. I've lucked out while flying. Granted, I've only flown on a plane twice. Both times I've been seated next to fairly thin people. But I ride the train enough to know that public transportation is the devil's work.

    But yeah, I'm the same with politics. I used to be super into politics a few years ago, but then I found some hobbies. Plus, I'm friends with enough political experts on Facebook to keep up with the news.

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    1. "Thank you for that well thought out argument, sir. I have reconsidered my stance on this political topic and have shifted my opinion."

      ...said nobody fucking ever.

      We have an author friend (who shall remain nameless) who uses her Facebook as a political soapbox. Basically anyone who doesn't think like her is a "fucking idiot" and "needs to pull their head out of their own ass." Then she wonders why she can't retain Likes and no one buys her books. Gee, I wonder...

      ABftS Facebook post: "Anyone who voted republican last year is a FUCKING BUTTSLUT IDIOT! And if you voted yes on proposition 4B you're a STUPID INBRED SISTER FUCKING TWAT. Oh, and by the way, buy our new book, okay friends? Loooove you guuuys."

      Delete
  9. I remember crowdfunding you guys. I seem to remember the campaign working too. I thought things had gone well but I guess not. I don't think you actually ran a second campaign and now I'm only just realising that there might be a reason. Somehow even though I knew you were thirty, or around there, hearing that you were 31 each still made me take a step back and think "Hey, they're seven years ahead of me. No wonder they're so much better."

    As far as air travel goes I've only flown once. Twice if you count the return journey. The flight wasn't too bad at all. I lost my ears both times though. I also know that I'm going to have to fly again eventually. This is no time for me to be afraid of flying. I'll be good as long as I don't look out the window. Does seem like a pretty shitty time to be an air travel passenger though. I think no fewer than three planes have gone down in the past year or two, and that's just the ones we hear about.

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    1. We don't want to say too much, but next week's post is just a tongue-in-cheek look at how crowdfunding has gone from 'please help me start a project' to 'give me money just because'. We have not started a second crowdfunding project, and don't see a need to in the near future. This is just, as you Internet kids say, for the LULs. :)

      I think you're probably safe flying. Just don't fly Malaysia Airlines. That seems like a recipe for death.

      Delete
  10. I'm really impressed how you got the Rand Paul arms down so well.

    Some of that Rand Paul merchandise looks like it would go well with my Ron Paul bong.

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    1. I have this theory that Rand Paul is just a mop with a suit on. The stick arms are definitely the giveaway.

      And while those other suckers are buying Rand Paul flip flops, I'm just taking a sharpie to my Ron Paul flip flops, and turning Ron into Rand with two quick strokes of the pen.

      Delete
  11. Well at least with flying when you crash there will likely be no suffering, where as a car you may live, but end up a paraplegic or something. Politics is all the same, bunch of damn whores no matter the side. 4 dogs? Damn, I thought you only had 2. That was a baby in the header? I thought it was a Ghoulie. They both grow in the same spot I guess. Did I date myself with that one? lol the cat should get you guys to do a header for him, ass and gas would be the theme. For some reason the usual illustrators don't want to sink that low. hmph, pride or something.

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    1. I'm okay with experiencing neither. The only crash I'm willing to deal with is on my computer.

      And yes, I have 4 dogs - a chihuahua, a poodle, an Italian greyhound, and a Shiba Inu (wow, such doge). The first two I married into, so don't judge me, please? It wasn't my decision to adopt 5 lb ankle biters.

      And pssh, we'll sink as low as we have to and then some. Any illustrator who doesn't want to draw a butt or a fart takes themselves waaaay too seriously.

      Delete
  12. I shouldn't have laughed as hard as I did at pummeling babies and A Binky for the Bathtub. You sick bastards, why are you so funny?

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    1. Because we all clearly escaped from the same hospital?

      You should try taking out your aggression on an infant. It's like an 8 lb stress ball.

      Delete
  13. B&B:
    Well, age wise, the TWO of you are alongside of the ONE of me...lol.
    Love the Q&A..."A Binky for the Bathtub"...priceless.
    (box o' wine)...sounds like most our neighbor's having a high-time (when they're not actually high, that is).

    Good Lord - you two have a bloody MENAGERIE on yer hands (children excluded...or ARE they?)
    That's some travelogue you have there, too.
    Muay Thai? (impressive...most impressive)
    I've only got 2 years (back in the '80s) studying Wing Chun (in "Joisey" at that).

    Nice to know we view politics in a similar light.

    Great post, guys.

    Stay safe out there

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    1. Children very much excluded. You didn't think that two guys who laugh at punching babies have ACTUAL babies, do you? (I hope not)

      Yeah, I've been doing Muay Thai for almost 8 years now, and Jiu Jitsu on and off for about 3-4 years. I mean, it's one thing to punch a baby, but it's better if you REALLY know what you're doing. :)

      Delete
  14. Oh, this is my new favorite - and I love your joke, but I'd change one word to make it socially acceptable in the mom crowd.

    How did I miss the visceral aversion to flight? Ha ha ha.

    I think this is the best post so far - I love it. You should have this as a regular feature.

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    1. Seeing as how we got asked over 120 questions and we've answered... oh, about 20, I'd say this is definitely going to be a regular feature for the foreseeable future.

      We're glad you liked it, and change the joke if you must, but that particular word almost makes it funnier to tell to the 'mom crowd'. But... we're just twisted like that.

      Delete
  15. I share a strong hatred for flying with both of you. I force myself to do it, even though I have literally thrown up on EVERY single flight I have ever taken.( And it's not because I drank too much alcohol. I won't drink the entire flight because I can't stand climbing over everyone else to go to the world's most claustrophobic bathroom. ) I'm really the last person on earth people want to get stuck sitting next to on a flight. On our honeymoon flight (14 hours to fly to Hawaii) I begged The Husband to pull a Mr. T on me and just knock me out. Just one quick punch to the face, so I could wake up fourteen hours later and forget everything in between. I know he could do it, with one left hook, I'd be done. But no matter how much I begged him, he wouldn't do it. He did, come up with an alternate plan. He supplied me with about 10 Tylenol PMS which successfully did the trick. Although, when I woke up, my mouth was so dry I could not produce saliva until ten days later....right about the time we needed to get back on that stupid place to go home. Ugh.

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    1. I have a feeling that we'd rather sit next to you than the screaming baby or the fat, smelly guy, but we could just be biased. And still, being unconscious and losing your saliva still sounds like a reasonable alternative to flying completely aware.

      Also, I may not throw up, but I usually feel like I want to yak for about the first 3-4 hours after stepping off a plane. Every. Damn. Time.

      Delete
  16. I don't think anyone really likes to fly. Well, maybe the pilot. But everyone else... meh (at best).

    Downtown Abbey. A couple years ago I bought the first two seasons on DVD. They are still in the nifty plastic packaging. One of these days...

    Animals. Have you ever heard of a Rainbow vacuum cleaner? They are expensive as all get-out, but they are Fantastic. A friend of mine bought one back in the early 90s and was so Wowed by it that she insisted I borrow it. OMG. I lived in an apartment at the time (no pets) but it changed the feel of the carpet. It went from beaten down to Alive again. Soft. Nice to walk on. It became my life's mission to have enough extra money to buy one of my very own. I think I bought my first about ten years later. Yeah, for a life mission, I sucked at it. But, oh the joy. For a person with allergies and animals... it's a freakin' life saver. My dust allergy was so bad I'd have to take a Benadryl before vacuuming with a bag type vacuum (which just blows the dust out the bag and into you as you walk behind it). If I didn't take the Benadryl, it would literally make me sick. Just terrible. So, the Rainbow was/is like a little slice of heaven to make cleaning somewhat more tolerable (never a Yippee on my To Do List). Since you have a kennel over there, you might want to think about it. I promise that you will love it. (If I got Hillary Clinton or Rand Paul to endorse it for you I bet you'd buy one pronto!)

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    1. I know all about the Rainbow, trust me. I even have a very fun story about it. Remind me next time we e-mail and I'll tell you about it.

      Delete
  17. I've been on a plane with a screaming baby behind me, sitting between two grossly overweight passengers (last seat left -it's a long story as to my being the last passenger), next to a cowboy, and a Kerouac type, barefoot, who lost his flask - he had us helping him look for it. . .but I like flying. On the way to France, I only looked out the window once to see lots and lots of water...known as the Atlantic. Didn't look down anymore after that, but watched the screen image of how much farther before we arrived. . .btw, I'm enjoying the Q&A sessions!

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    1. Glad you're enjoying! You know, the water doesn't scare me. At least if the plane fell into water we'd be more likely to survive. But plunging, say, onto the hard earth? Not so much...

      Delete
  18. Every time I read your blog I love you guys more...except for the one on flying! I'm going to be flying in 2 weeks. Thanks for scaring the crap out of me! Sardines in a tin can. I don't particularly enjoy flying but I do agree about the alcohol. Especially when mixed with a few dramamine..Awesome!

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    1. You need to patent that and call it "the Mile High Cocktail." Also, for my next flight - yes, sign me up! Just ship my unconscious body from one point to another and I'm happy.

      Delete
  19. I'm crying. Tears have fallen down my face onto my shirt over transgender Brianne. A Binky for the Bathtub is already better than 110% of the mommy blogs, even before it's downward spiral to "A Plugged-In Radio For the Bathtub" which is what would happen if I tried that format. I can't remember anything else about this post, so as soon I find a tissue I'm going back up and reading it again.

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    1. Hey, that's Bryanne with a Y. Or is it? I have no idea. I'm already drunk on box wine. I made the mistake of telling little Timmy that his older brother Jeremy is my favorite, but he's little and stupid so he'll probably forget anyway.

      Delete
  20. where the herpes flows like wine

    Laughing my butt off at that one!

    I also love how you have a cat licking himself on the banner as well. Why is it that cats always want to do that in front of everyone? Are they rubbing it in?

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    1. We're glad you like it! We're also glad that none of that particular wine ever flowed our way...

      I think cats just like to embarrass us. Like with the new kitten, obnoxiously devouring her own genitals seems to be her go-to move after I tell a new house-guest, "See how cute she is?"

      Delete
    2. By the way, thanks for the strategy tip (have someone hold the baby while you work it over)-that baby kicked my ass over the weekend!

      Delete
  21. This was full of so much goodness, I don't know where to start. I'll just say that Bryan's favorite joke is now mine too, and I'm working on letting my butt be my spiritual guide.
    Excellent work, guys.

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    1. I truly hope then, that your 'T' in A-Z is reserved for twerking, so Martha can show us all how to get down. I'm sure even I could take a lesson in twerksmanship (it's a word) from her.

      Delete
    2. Martha's working on it, but her butt progress is slow.

      Delete
  22. Oh our last trip on a plane was 9 hours with a wailing kid that I was desperately hoping they would give it a little brandy to shut it up and I had a man sitting beside me who never knew what deodorant was and his breath could melt plastic. As for jokes...I am have a good one.
    A man is driving home late from work when he realizes it is his wedding anniversary. He has nothing and the stores are all closed. He knows he will be in trouble. When he gets home, all the lights are off and he realizes what present he can give his wife. He goes to the bedroom, opens the door and sees she is under the covers. He gets undressed and slides under the covers to giver her some tongue pleasure. She is enjoying every bit of it. She finally has a wonderful explosion of fun. He knows he did well and happily leaves the bed to go to the washroom. When he gets to the washroom, he is in shock to see his wife standing there. She looks at him, places her finger to her mouth and says, "Shhhh-you'll wake mother". I shall leave you for the day-have a great day:)

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    1. Ha! That was fantastic. I'm definitely going to remember that one. And never look at my mother-in-law the same way again. She's not invited to sleep over any more.

      I think the automatic rule of flying is that every single plane must, at all times, contain at least one screaming infant and at least once unpleasant smelling fat guy. And each time, through sheer terrible luck, folks like us have to be seated directly by BOTH of them.

      Delete
  23. Back when I could do that sort of thing, I loved to fly. Especially the feel of the take off. Of course, I've never been on an international flight, either.

    I think the two of you should get into politics. You should run jointly for President. (That has nothing to do with joints you Colorado wackos.) Think about it: It's never been done before! Sure, a woman still hasn't been President, but never have two white guys been President at the same time! And you could make taco Tuesdays a reality! I bet you could get hundreds of votes at least!

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    1. International flights are much better. They shut off the lights and you just sleep the whole time. Plus, since it's a long flight and people get hungry/go stir crazy, you get fed for free, you get drinks for free, and you have free TV/video games/music channels. I felt like a king. A very, very airsick king.

      And we'd love to be president of joints, but we're half Mexican. That means that half of us can't run. Then again, the other half of us can, so if you take those two halves, which make one white whole, then you get a valid US president. You also have to be at least 35 to be president, but thankfully the two of us combined are 62. So we're good to go for the next election.

      That's still more coherent than anything you'll hear a politician in Washington say.

      Delete
  24. An electrified toddler cage. Well that might have come in handy the last time I babysat my grandson. LOL

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    1. Throw in one of those bark collars for crying (kids tend to do that when they touch the electrified barbed wire) and it's the nicest nap time you ever had.

      Delete
  25. Good news for Bryan: If the Mommy Blog business goes belly up, by the looks of your outfit you could probably movie right into Ringling Brothers, Bryan & Brandon Circus. Think of all the beer bottles you drink 'n' juggle simultaneously!

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Too bad I couldn't be a bearded woman. That would require the growth of actual facial hair. I can juggle a whole six pack of beer, though. Just give me 30 minutes and a nice big frosted glass.

      Delete
  26. 'Mommy Blogs' (in general) YIKES! Brandon's Mommy Blog - DOUBLE YIKES!

    Not a big fan of flying either, but if you wanna live overseas, what are ya gonna do? Worst flight ever - a red eye from SLC to NYC. Packed to the jump seats. A flight attendant (flying as a passenger, for free, no doubt) had a cat in a very small carrier two rows behind me. Cat alternately screamed and quietly meowed the whole way. Worse than any screaming kid I've ever flown with, but then I am NOT a cat person. There isn't enough alcohol to take away the sound of that cat, not to mention the terrified cat stench that filled the plane by the time we got to NY.

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    1. I absolutely adore cats... with that said, I'd rather put a bullet in my head than listen to one meow for 5 hours straight. That's like nails on a chalkboard to me... and I LIKE the damn things. What a nightmare.

      Delete
  27. I didn't make much of the baby on the banner. To me, it just felt like ABftS. I didn't stop to analyze it until now, and now that I have I like it even more.

    Music news is extremely easy to profit out of. I've considered selling out and being miserable, but then I'd be miserable and selling out.

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    1. Meanwhile, we'd blog about music, but you already do that. And you're much better at it. I don't think people care about what we listen to anyway.

      Us: "Here's another great Indie band you've never heard of."
      The world: "Okay, okay, we GET it, you're hipsters, modern music sucks, now shut the fuck up already."

      Delete
  28. Campaign and flip flops...Hmm. Remember when Kerry ran against baby Bush and people came to events waving flip flops because Kerry was a flip flopper? Stupid people, just everywhere.

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    1. So... now flip flops are a good thing? Rand Paul wants to be a flip flop? See, this is why we don't talk politics; we can't even keep track of what's current. I do know that a Bush is probably running for president, but doesn't one always? And somehow win?

      Delete
  29. Okay, I'm just gonna go ahead and add "Bryan as a Mommy Blogger" to my list of mental images that will forever haunt my nightmares.

    Bloggers don't have to stick to one theme! That's gotta get boring after a while, doesn't it? I infinitely prefer to read posts on blogs that have no theme. Bring on the randomness, I say!

    Afraid to fly, are you? Well, I can't say I blame you. I usually get a bit nervous in an airplane myself, but I don't need booze to get through it. Just a book and some gummy bears. (Don't mock my process!!!) Oh, and do you guys ever see a little demon out on the wing of the plane? Messing with stuff? I don't have any particular reason for asking...I was just curious...

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    1. Those jugs may be nightmare inducing, but you wouldn't believe how many speeding tickets Bryan's gotten out of by squeezing them together. It is weird, though, that he has to keep telling Brandon, "Hey, my eyes are up HERE, dicknose."

      We hate when bloggers stick to one theme, too. Especially when it's writing. "So, uh... today we're gonna talk about commas. That's not boring at all. Then tomorrow we're gonna talk about how to develop characters. Yeah, that's never been talked about before."

      Also, the gummy bear strategy, huh? Yeah, we're big fans of that one. Very big fans...

      ^Enough of those babies and we won't just see demons, we'll see Jesus himself.

      Delete
    2. Wow. Never saw that method of inducing drunkenness before. Well, drunks gotta drunk, I guess... 😊

      Oh, and it wasn't the jugs alone that made that particular image so terrifying. It was the jugs AND the make up that looked as though a drunken monkey had applied it.

      With his feet.

      Add in the crazy eyes and you've got yourself one bona fide nightmare, ready and waiting for you as soon as you close your eyes!

      Delete
  30. You actually wrote a Zombie book, how cool is that, and that joke about the single lady...simply classic!

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    1. I love people's reactions when I tell them that joke in person. The crude punchline always throws them off. And indeed, we didn't just write a zombie book, we wrote a hilarious zombie book that originally got picked up by Random House... until our damn contract fell through.

      Delete
  31. Yeah, I liked that joke too! Just my style, will work well on the job. Has that "sudden crash" ending, like this oldie:

    A bear and a rabbit taking a crap in the woods. The bear says, "pardon me, but do you have problems with $#!t sticking to your fur?" The rabbit says, "Why yes, yes I do." And the bear picked him up and wiped with him.

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    1. I like that. Consider your joke stolen and recycled in the near future... with proper attribution given, of course.

      Delete
  32. Double dumb ass on you! The joke is on me, you've written a neat sci fi novella. Empirical Evidence, ka-ching! So looking forward to reading it, actually I'm green with excitement, mine is still a STAR TREK WIP, LOL

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    1. Hey you'll get there. At least you're putting the "work" in work in progress. And if you check out Empirical Evidence, let us know what you think. Good, bad, otherwise. It's the only way we improve.

      Also, I think "double dumbass" is now our new nickname. We're such supreme suckers for alliteration, after all.

      Delete
  33. Mommy blogs everywhere may ascend on you

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    1. All I've got to do is take off my Rand Paul flip flops and I'm ready to take those bitches on.

      Delete
  34. Hey, I too am an ordained minister!

    I originally did it just so I could tell people about it and show them my nifty wallet card, but now I mainly use my power to corrupt the young to my teachings.

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    1. Hey, that's awesome!

      I use mine to summon the dark lord Beelzebub to do my hellish bidding! Also, I do weddings!

      Delete
  35. I actually want to see Downton Abbey, I hear it's really good and some of the Game of Thrones actors are in it.

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    1. I actually enjoy it. Good bit of drama, snappy lines, well acted. Not my favorite show but it's much better than I thought it would be.

      Delete
  36. So many pets!! That sounds awesome. Have you posted pics of them? Especially the cats? Take photos of cats. We the internet like that.

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    1. We've had a few pictures of our pets on here occasionally but worry not, we'll find an excuse to post them more often. Especially the cats. The Internet always seems to go mad for that (strange, it's almost like the Internet is addicted to cats...).

      Delete
  37. Totally irreverent, as usual. Hey, I'm with you on politics.

    The McKye house has 4 dogs, no wait, we're now down to 3 and I still have the both of you beat with cats, lol! Son and I tend to rescue them. Good news is all the females are fixed and only two of the boys are left to do. I'm disappointed. No horses? Sheesh.

    Hugs, guys!

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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    1. The horse is coming next. But first a llama or two. So how many cats are we talking about here? Double digits? Crazy cat lady territory?

      Delete
  38. Bryan and Brandon, I have a confession to make. As usual, I read though your blog, then start reading comments, then your responses... all the way to the bottom of this blog I go reading. I realize I have laughed my entire way through the comments... then, it's my turn and I'm so blank, I hear crickets. But thanks be to ABftS - I now know the importance of participation. Crickets mean 'good luck' So off I go to reread what I missed the first time.

    Btw, thanks for the extra on 'bashing babies'. I'm thinking it could be a human interest story if nothing else. Those stories are so rare these days.

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    1. As long as we entertained you then you have nothing to apologize about. Also, this is an open forum so you can talk about whatever the hell you want, not just the post topic. Crickets. What makes Dixie tick. Intestinal discomfort. We'll roll with pretty much anything.

      Delete
  39. I can't wait for the next installment of A Binky For The Bathtub! I loved the costume and the boxed wine. Was the natural looking rouge inspired by Bette Davis in, Whatever Happened To Baby Jane?

    Julie

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    1. Ha! I love the reference. That movie was crazy. No, actually, it was inspired by Mimi Bobeck from the Drew Carey show. And somehow I still ended up looking like more of a woman than she did...

      Delete
  40. I'm not sure it translates as well in text, but I'll give it a go:

    Some friends are riding in a car along a long, deserted highway when a cop pulls them over.
    'Congratualtions sir!' said the cop. 'You're the thousandth car this month which has arrived in our great state through this road. On behalf of the government, we'd like to give you a prize.'
    'Phew!' says the driver. 'I thought you were pulling me over because I don't have a license!' The guy in the passenger seat leans over and says 'Oh don't listen to him, he's drunk.' A third person leans in from the back and says 'See, I told you this wouldn't work in a stolen car.' And from the boot, they hear a small voice which says 'Have we crossed the border yet?'

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    1. That. Is. Fantastic. I love it. It reminds me loosely of this other joke. Stop me if you've heard it (oh wait you can't, so here we go).

      Three guys are walking along the street when suddenly they see a huge pile of brown stuff in the middle of the road. The first guy leans down and smells it. "Ewww, we should probably go around this. It smells like shit." The second guy puts his finger in it. "Ewww, I think he's right. It feels like shit." The third guy leans down and tastes it. "Ewww, it's true. It tastes like shit. We should definitely go around." So they walk around it... and the first guy says, "That was close. Thank God we didn't step in that."

      Delete
  41. I like the joke about the ugly woman. Very bad, but so good!

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    1. You think that's good? You should hear our dead baby jokes. Those always kill.

      Delete
  42. I like the joke about the ugly woman. Very bad, but so good!

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    1. You think that's good? You should hear our down syndrome jokes. They're extra special.

      Delete
  43. I still can't think of anything to ask you.

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    1. Hmmm... why is the sky blue? How many licks does it take to get to the center of a dead hooker? How much pressure does it take to rip a man's testicles off?

      Delete
  44. “Cancun, Mexico, where the herpes flows like wine,” Love this line!

    Little Johnny is in class and the teacher asks everyone to use the word “definitely” in a sentence. Johnny raises his hand but the teacher calls on Mary. Mary says, “The grass is definitely green.” The teachers says, “No, that’s not true. It can be other colors. Anyone else?” Johnny raises his hand and the teacher calls on Timmy. Timmy says, “The sky is definitely blue.” The teacher says, “No, that’s not true. It can be other colors.” Johnny’s hand is swinging back and forth. The teacher sighs and finally calls on him. Johnny asks, “Do farts have lumps?” The teacher is appalled and says no, and then Johnny responds, “Then I definitely shit in my pants.”

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    1. YES! I love those Little Dirty Johnny jokes!

      A teacher was working with a group of children, trying to broaden their horizons through sensory perception. She brought in a variety of lifesavers and said, "Children, I'd like you to close your eyes and taste these." The kids easily identified the taste of cherries, lemons and mint, but when the teacher gave them honey-flavored lifesavers, all of the kids were stumped. "I'll give you a hint," said the teacher. "It's something your mommy probably calls your daddy all the time." Instantly, Little Johnny coughed his out onto the floor and shouted, "Quick! Spit'em out! They're assholes!"

      Delete
  45. The vacuum is my dogs' nemesis. When the vacuum emerges from the closet one dog is on offense and the other is on defense.

    While the dust beagles have no chance against the vacuum, Bosco the beagle has a pretty good offense.... until the vacuum gets armed with a hose. Then it's game over.

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    1. I have a wood floor, so it's always funny to watch the dogs try to flee and just kind of run in place like some old Flintstones gag. It's especially funny if they go crashing into a chair... well, so long as they're okay afterwards. I'm not a complete asshole, after all.

      And can I just say that Bosco is a pretty awesome name for a beagle? Brandon's family has always had beagles, and they're cute little buggers.

      Delete
    2. I. Love. Beagles.
      I have had beagle dogs since I graduated undergrad and got my first apartment. I typically rescue older dogs (4 dogs in total-- Bosco was 8 when I first rescued him-- he was a stray). When I lived in Philly I rescued a 10 year old beagle from a kill shelter. She was AWESOME! I remember when I was walking out of the shelter with my rescue beagle the lady at the desk said to me, "You know she is 10 years old, right?" Yeah, I knew and she lived another 6+ years with me.
      I've even illustrated a story book about my first rescue beagle (from a puppymill). You can see those images if you scroll down on this page to where it says Stray Thoughts: illustrations

      Delete
    3. All of those illustrations are awesome, but Stray Thoughts is particularly fantastic. Incredible artwork. Also, I've never seen a red and white beagle like that. What cool coloring.

      So can I assume you commission dog paintings? Because "Senor Taco" and "Senor Toro" made me laugh out loud... and yet we don't think you would have two chihuahuas named as such. But we could be wrong. We don't like to ASSume.

      Delete
    4. Yes, those are commissions. In fact, Senor Taco and Senor Toro live in Chicago.

      When I was painting Senor Taco I lived in Philly in a tiny town-home with my red and white beagle who was a nervous dog and she shed a lot of fur! After I shipped the Senor Taco painting to my client in Chicago I got an email from my client complaining that there was a dog hair painted into the painting.

      Well, I knew there was no way to remove the hair from the painting (esp. with the distance between Philly and Chicago) so I emailed back:

      "The dog hair makes the painting truly belong to the brotherhood of dog."

      My client loved that response and I got fabulous reviews from him!

      Delete
  46. Now you're a mommy blog I'd follow. I currently need your special cage for my twins, they get up too often at night. Not cool. Especially if I want to spend it practicing twerking with your professional tips! Anyway, I shall follow my butt, my new spiritual guide. LOL I can't even type this with a straight face!

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    1. I wonder, do you have to actually have kids to be a mommy blogger? Or can I be like that guy that goes to a kids' softball game and doesn't actually have kids?

      Parent in bleachers: Hey, which one's yours?
      Guy with binoculars: I'm not sure yet. I think I might need a few more innings to decide.

      Delete
  47. Airplanes are horrifying. You know most doctors will give you a prescription for xanax or something similar for flying-related anxiety. That + alcohol = I have never been so excited about looking out the plane window and watching the tornado directly beneath us (not kidding, we were over Kansas and I saw it on the news later). Without the xanax, I imagine we would have been in for an emergency landing caused by me having a nervous breakdown. It's happened before (Greenland is a really awesome-looking country btw).

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    1. That sounds like a fantastic way to get hooked on Xanax. Even so, I think I'd still rather do that than fly. Never seen a tornado, but I hate when the plane takes a sharp turn and you look out and you can see the ground coming right at you. Like, you are now officially turned sideways and the only thing separating you from a 5,000 foot fall is a thin pane of glass.

      Good times.

      Delete
  48. I avoid flying when I can. Actually I kind of liked the covered wagon days except for when the Indians attacked.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. I can handle the Indians, but it's the dysentery I'm worried about. You can dodge an arrow. You can't dodge deathly diarrhea.

      Delete
  49. Sitting here snorting to myself, imagining you two penning a mommy blog...

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    1. You know, sometimes we get contacted by idiot spammers looking to see if we as bloggers would be interested in reviewing their child-related crap for a mommy blog. Maybe one of these days we'll have to take them up on their offer.

      ABftS reviews the "Mommy N Me Bouncy Swing." - 1 out of 5 stars. Can't support 170 lb. male. Also, needed the jaws of life to get me out.

      Delete
  50. I'm right there with you on the flying thing, Brandon. But I love to travel, so it's a necessary thing. I get soused before my flights, too. When my husband and I flew to Jamaica 10 years ago for our honeymoon, a girl sitting next to us said something when we landed about how my incessant flight attendant bell call had driven her crazy the entire flight. I said, "Oh, I'm sorry, did it bother you? I'm sure the terrified screaming coming from my seat had I NOT had any drinks might have bothered you more." Bitch.

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    1. I think it's airplane law that the person sitting next to you has to be A) morbidly obese B) foul-smelling or C) a fucking asshole. Sometimes all of the above. And that certainly doesn't add to the joy of flying, does it?

      Delete
  51. I honestly think I laughed the hardest with the carpet bit…

    Hilarious, you guys. Hilarious. :)

    :)

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    1. Carpet has been known to make us giggle as well. We're still not allowed near the carpet samples in Home Depot.

      Delete
  52. You're both cordially invited to vote in my Battle of the Bands. If not, then maybe another time then :)

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    1. Hey, we'll be there! We've been meaning to hit all of them up, but one of us has been sick as a dog and hasn't gotten the proper chance to visit. Soon, we promise! Cough cough snort hack die.

      Delete
  53. I see from the comment above someone is sick. I hope that someone feels better soon.

    I dedicated something to ya on the Thursday post. I hope you like it:)

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  54. I've been gone so long you changed the damn blog. No more chalk board, a whole Q & A series..what's next? Punching babies? Oh, never mind, you got that covered already. I like it, guys, you did great with the new look.

    I'm a little peeved though. I asked you guys not to post my twerking video and you went ahead and did it. Pfft!

    Side note: love the labels

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