News is about reporting what matters. Like Kim Kardashian changing her hair color. Or a dress being seen as white and gold or blue and black. Or Chris Brown succeeding in breeding. All of which are totally worthy of being front page news and are certainly the most important things going on in the world at the moment.
So if you want to succeed at reporting the news that matters most, we're here to help. You see, there are four types of legitimate news, and today we're going to go over each and tell you exactly what kind of news it takes to get that sweet, front page status.
The first is global affairs, and this one's a slam dunk. All you have to do is take a look at what's trending on Twitter or Facebook and, BAM! - you've got a finger on the pulse of everything critically happening in the world at that very moment. Instant news report!
The second type of news is politics, and this one can be tricky. We find that the key to good political news is taking a politician - any politician, really - and spending hours yelling over one single thing they said. Bonus points if you can take it completely out of context, effectively turning no news into 24 squabble-filled hours of news!
The third type is sports news, and unlike the other types, this one is not for your average journalist. No, this is extremely technical information you're discussing. You have to be well versed in the fine art of sportsing, because like a physical game of chess come to life, there is much to dissect and much to debate in every single sports game that has ever and will ever be played.
And the fourth is weather. Now, some might say that the weather is boring. And it is. Firstly, it helps if it's going to rain or snow, even if it's 300 miles away and less than 1 inch. Use buzzwords like "storm warning" and "atmospheric pressure" and "cold front" to really convey that a small amount of liquid is going to fall from the sky and make the roads damp for at least a couple of hours.
If it's not going to snow or rain, however, you can still spice things up by simultaneously throwing in trending news stories of - you guessed it - things that really, really matter.
But, unfortunately, sometimes news days are just truly slow and nothing happens. No one dies, or splits their pants on camera, or lets the world know what they really think about black people.
So on days like that, if all else fails, just make it up. It worked for Brian Williams.
Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go watch the daily news. Word has it that Justin Bieber got a parking ticket, and we desperately need to know the details of this breaking news story.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: Cosby (the band, not the elderly rapist)
Beer: Session Lager