Monday, March 9, 2015

There's No News Like No News

Greetings, lads and ladies of the Internet. Today we have some breaking news for you. Literally, we'd like to discuss the topic of breaking news, just in case any of you jackass kids out there are still thinking of wasting your time on being a Journalism major.

News is about reporting what matters. Like Kim Kardashian changing her hair color. Or a dress being seen as white and gold or blue and black. Or Chris Brown succeeding in breeding. All of which are totally worthy of being front page news and are certainly the most important things going on in the world at the moment.

So if you want to succeed at reporting the news that matters most, we're here to help. You see, there are four types of legitimate news, and today we're going to go over each and tell you exactly what kind of news it takes to get that sweet, front page status.

The first is global affairs, and this one's a slam dunk. All you have to do is take a look at what's trending on Twitter or Facebook and, BAM! - you've got a finger on the pulse of everything critically happening in the world at that very moment. Instant news report!




The second type of news is politics, and this one can be tricky. We find that the key to good political news is taking a politician - any politician, really - and spending hours yelling over one single thing they said. Bonus points if you can take it completely out of context, effectively turning no news into 24 squabble-filled hours of news!




The third type is sports news, and unlike the other types, this one is not for your average journalist. No, this is extremely technical information you're discussing. You have to be well versed in the fine art of sportsing, because like a physical game of chess come to life, there is much to dissect and much to debate in every single sports game that has ever and will ever be played.





And the fourth is weather. Now, some might say that the weather is boring. And it is. Firstly, it helps if it's going to rain or snow, even if it's 300 miles away and less than 1 inch. Use buzzwords like "storm warning" and "atmospheric pressure" and "cold front" to really convey that a small amount of liquid is going to fall from the sky and make the roads damp for at least a couple of hours.

If it's not going to snow or rain, however, you can still spice things up by simultaneously throwing in trending news stories of - you guessed it - things that really, really matter.





But, unfortunately, sometimes news days are just truly slow and nothing happens. No one dies, or splits their pants on camera, or lets the world know what they really think about black people.

So on days like that, if all else fails, just make it up. It worked for Brian Williams.



Now if you'll excuse us, we have to go watch the daily news. Word has it that Justin Bieber got a parking ticket, and we desperately need to know the details of this breaking news story.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Cosby (the band, not the elderly rapist)
Beer: Session Lager

135 comments:

  1. I'm so happy to see that Sloth is getting work beyond the Goonies. You're spot on. You'd think they'd make some changes after Anchorman really nailed all of the news archetypes, but nope, it's still mindless drones who dare call themselves journalists when all they're doing is reading off a teleprompter. What are all those papers news anchors have in front of them anyway? They're obviously just for show, who do they think they're fooling? Stop wasting paper, crappy television news reporters. But please, keep following stories of tragedy with uplifting puppy and girl scout news.

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    1. *very somber face* "...and so all of the children were pronounced dead at the scene."
      *sudden burst of life* "But in other news, there's a very special squirrel by the name of Jimbo that just LOVES water skiing, and we've got footage! Let's head over to Youtube for this heeeelarious clip..."
      Other anchor: "Oh Bob, I could not stop laughing for days when I first saw this."

      Delete
  2. The artist's rendition is priceless!
    Glad someone else feels the same way about some sports newscasters. Why did you win? Because we scored more points. Duh!!

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    1. If a retired football player, who suffered years of brain-rattling concussions, has the ample brainpower to 'predict'* and 'dissect' games then I think it's safe to call the whole thing pure speculation.

      *they're only right about half the time anyway, which is about as accurate as asking a pumpkin eating porcupine who he thinks is going to win

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  3. This is hysterical!!!! My 15 year old son asked the other day why Savannah Guthrie was allowed to be a TV newscaster when she could not solve a Seven Dwarfs puzzle on Wheel of Fortune with one letter missing in this word "DO_". She said "Dot" instead of "Doc". SERIOUSLY!!!!!!!

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    1. The correct answer of course was "because it's not on a teleprompter." Think Steve Carell's hilarious on-air trainwreck in Bruce Almighty. If there weren't words streaming on a teleprompter, these well groomed Barbies and Kens wouldn't know what the fuck to say.

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  4. I think your take on the news is spot on. Loved the Millennium Falcon.

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    1. I get my news from The Daily Show or The Colbert Report, because even if they're comedy shows, they're still the most honest. How's that for messed up?

      Delete
  5. A couple years ago, I must have been trying to sign up to comment on a local TV station's website and inadvertently signed up for "Breaking News" email alerts.

    Among the "Breaking News" alerts I've received over the years? "Texans ahead at the half." "Missing 2-year old found." "Lou Reed has died." "Astros draft [somebody or other]."

    I have yet to receive one that says, "Snow turns to water as sun comes out," but thanks to your picture at the bottom, I'm expecting it. It will be big news to anyone who went to school here in Texas.

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    1. Please tell me if they send you the second part of that story, because they never explained what happens to the water, and at this point I'm more than a little concerned about flooding.

      Delete
  6. Spot on indeed. So pathetic now a days what they air. Idiocracy is becoming more and more truth over fiction. We aren`t far away from looking at a bare ass on tv and the many idiots thinking it funny. We already have the, I can run with a ball that has less air in it than my head, guys giving the play by play. 90 percent there.

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    1. You know there's no real science behind sports reporting when they say things like, "The crowd is going to be a real factor in tonight's game!" (no it won't) or things like "This team's really got some momentum going!" (which is just a really stupid way of saying that they've won a lot... but if they play a better team next week, that so-called 'momentum' doesn't mean shit)

      Reporter: The other team was much, much worse than you. You're better in every category. Why did your team lose?
      Quarterback: Unfortunately, the other team just had too much momentum. And we had none. I'm going to talk to our coach afterwards and see what we can do to acquire some momentum in the off season.

      Delete
  7. Weather here has been boring unless you enjoy having 16 inches of snow dumped on you then as soon as it melts another 16 inches of snow gets dumped on you. I stopped buying our local newspaper. I felt like I could get the same info scrolling through facebook. That and I got into a fight with the owner of the paper when he refused to print something really news worthy when I pointed it out he said how are they suppose to know the news unless someone tells them. I said I don't know, I guess because its your job to know whats going on.

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    1. Actually, I think Facebook is more interesting. The local newspaper isn't going to have a rant by your former high school classmate airing her dirty laundry and telling the world why her husband is a small dicked piece of shit.

      Our small cowtown actually has a local newspaper... and it's a humongous joke. The biggest story of the week is typically something like "Local Elementary School Has Fundraiser!" When our first novel came out, we contacted them seeing if they wanted to print a story about us. After all, here we were, TWO authors who called this place their hometown, releasing our first novel... and they never even fucking responded to us.

      The headline on the following week's paper? "Spaghetti Dinner At Senior Center This Thursday." Seriously. It's a headline so fucking stupid you just never forget it.

      Delete
    2. Sounds like we live in the same kinda town. I want to know how the Spaghetti Dinner turned out.

      Delete
    3. It was the best Chef Boyardee they ever gummed in their lives...

      Delete
  8. Exactly and replay it endlessly for 24/7 coverage. LOL

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    1. Ah yes! "For those of you just tuning in..." followed by repeating the exact same thing they've already said 10 times that morning.

      Delete
  9. "Snow to turn to water as the sun comes out"? Seriously? Tha hell? Thank you for explaining to me that snow will melt when exposed to heat and become water. The news makes me sad these days. Not because it's bad news, but because it's retarded news. Russia is sort of possibly starting World War 3 but its cool because Kim Kardashian posed nude and Chris Brown has kids. I want to say this was a problem caused by 24 hour news reporting. Though what that caused is over analysing things, not necessarily reporting every tidbit as high level news.

    It pissed me off beyond words that dress made the God damn news. Thankfully I was in the gym and was able to put that anger to good use and burn a few more calories.

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    1. I was amused by the dress thing, don't get me wrong. It's an interesting optical illusion. But it's definitely not front page news, and does not need 'in depth analysis' by newscasters that probably failed 8th grade science and yet are trying to explain, in detail, how our rods and cones interpret color.

      Delete
  10. Man, I'm so out of the loop I didn't even know Sloth was Pro Sportsing.
    #Sportsing
    Yes, I use the ironic hashtag but in my defense it would be a dream come true if a word like Sportsing were ever trending on Twitter, and seeing it as a hashtag makes me ironically happy.
    #IronicallyHappy
    I'll stop now, and get back to posting mashup pictures of blonde Kim Kardashian in a Slytherin robe because Draco called her out for stealing his look.
    #News

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    1. They all turn into Sloth after enough concussions.
      #Slothcussions
      Sometimes, I think Kim Kardashian does stupid things like dye her hair platinum blonde just so people will still talk about her and find her relevant.
      #NewsWhore

      Delete
  11. Ha! This was really funny, BEER BOYS!

    It started out all good 'n' shit 'cause you were drinking good beers (Hop Knot and Colorado's own Rojo) and then it just made me laugh 'n' shit.

    That "Sports" bit was classic. Loved the Star Wars reference (definitely the best movie George Lucas ever made, as you well know). By the way, that golf course that George Harrison (or was it Hand Solo?) crashed on was only a 3 or 4 minute walk from the house I lived in from 5th grade through high school. I'm surprised no broadcasters mentioned that, because I think it's definitely very "newsworthy".

    And I think the odds that Brian Williams walked on the Moon are about the same odds that Buzz Lightyear and even Buzz Aldrin walked on it.

    Great stuffs, Bryan y Brandon!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. POSTSCRIPT:
      Hey, that "Memphis Melt" statement about the snow becoming water when the Sun comes out, was that for real? Really shown on TV? Or did you just make that up to exaggerate the Ridiculous Factor?

      I mean, I know we've been dumbed-down, but has it TRULY reached a stage where it's THAT pathetic?

      ~ D-FensDogg

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    2. We're okayish at drawing, but we have yet to pull that level of photoshop trickery. So far as I can tell, that's a real picture of a real life newscast.

      And don't tell me Buzz Lightyear didn't walk on the moon. Don't you see all the paw prints up there? And that steamer he left behind in a moon crater? Next thing you're going to tell me, it's not all made of cheese.

      Also, I'm just glad to hear Harrison's okay, because if you thought Han Solo was cool in the 70s, wait until you see him in the new movie now that HE'S in his 70s. I foresee the Millennium Falcon going 20 mph under the speed limit in the left lane with his blinker on the whole time.

      Delete
  12. I definitely like your take of the news because that is exactly how it is. Not only do they shove lots of stuff down your throat that you don't care about, but they talk about it over and over again in one day. Also, I am very happy to see that Sloth has a job and has finally left the "Goon Docks".

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    1. Oh yes, I love when they rehash news. Especially when the anchors take it upon themselves to go "off-prompter" and give their own thoughts. Let's not pretend they're any more intelligent or eloquent or well spoken than Sloth.

      Thoughts on Lady Gaga's music

      Delete
  13. Sloth!!! Where's Chunk? Truffle Shufflin' his way into trouble gain, no doubt.

    You see? This. This is one of the many reasons that I don't watch the freaking news. It's not news anymore. I took a media writing class a few years ago, and they keep talking about how a journalist must keep an open mind, and that no evidence of their personal biases should be seen in their writing. HA! Bull S%#*!!!

    And now that celebrity gossip is considered to be legitimate news...Ugh. I'm pretty sure the country is done for. I say we leave it to be overrun by Hollywood and the hipsters. They'll destroy each other within a decade. And then all the sensible people can build an island in the middle of the
    ocean where we will wait until we can come back and start over again.

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    1. Chunk is waiting for us on that island. He got his shit together, lost weight, and became a high profile lawyer. No, really.

      So I love the island idea, but here's my biggest fear. What if we never can come back? What if it never gets any better, and we just have to end up cannibalizing each other? A man can only eat coconuts for so long.

      Delete
    2. Oh, we'll be able to trade coconuts for real food with other countries. Who wants Kobe beef? I think we can work something out with Japan...

      And if things don't get better, and the hipsters and Hollywood never do find a way to destroy each other, we'll have to take drastic action. That's right. I'm talking about forming an alliance with the Australians. They'll send all of their giant, venomous insects and crazy huge lizards and every other evil, carnivorous fauna that they have to fight off daily to the U.S. Those people won't be prepared to deal with creatures like that. It'll be over in a week, tops. Then we send in Crocodile Dundee to round up the critters and take them back Down Under, and then we can all come back and voila!

      Brilliant, right?

      Delete
    3. I'm sold! However, I just hope that the giant, venomous insects, crazy huge lizards, and carnivorous fauna don't adapt TOO well, leading to a country that we can never return to.

      We're gonna need weapons. Australian weapons. You bring the knives, I'll bring the spoons!

      Knifey Spoony

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    4. It's a risk, no denying it. But I think the benefits outweigh the costs.

      Who's bringing the sporks though?

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    5. Oh don't worry, I've got that covered. I'm going to bring my Swiss Army spork.

      Because who wants seagulls choking on those plastic throwaway ones?

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    6. That's amazing! Who would have thought? Well, I guess we're ready, then.

      Delete
  14. I hated being a reporter. I don't care if Brian invented what happened to him. I'm sure George W. and Dick were far more imaginative when it came to the truth.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Absolutely! Look at George W; he even invented his own words! To this day I still love planning out my strategery.

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    2. I have replaced strategy with strategery. It amuses me.

      Delete
  15. B&B:
    My GOD...this needs to become REQUIRED READING in EVERY school at EVERY grade...ASAP!!!
    I don't know how many times I get to scream at the TV because some :journalist (read poser) is TRYING to tell me what's going on, when I can READ things for myself.
    (all bias included, too)

    ((And where did you get such a well-rendered drawing of our local baby-mamas?))
    Granted I don't know WHICH of the four pillars of "news" you posted about are the WORST...they EACH have their own unique "aspects", to which you did a great job "splainin" to us.

    I will say the WEATHER should be the least offending...I mean THEY'RE RIGHT about HALF of the time...LOL.

    Another EPIC post, guys.
    Well done.

    Stay safe out there
    (we'll se 'ya on the radio)

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    1. I've found that I'm just about as accurate at guessing the weather as your average meteorologist. Like, today it's 60 degrees and sunny. My prediction is that it will not snow today. Brilliant, no?

      50% of the time I'm right every time.

      Delete
  16. Oh my lord, you captured the news issues well. I usually have to hunt to find good news coverage (and that isn't on Foxx) but even then there are so many trivial reporting of stupid things to sift through.

    I really enjoyed this post guys!

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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    1. Glad you enjoyed it! The worse news is getting, the more I'm running out of sources to actually find it. Even places like CNN.com are full of junk articles like "Is Apple going to unveil a watch?"

      That's not a joke. That article is literally on the front page of CNN.com.

      Delete
  17. Now I can be the best reporter in the world! I bet I can start today with the topic of Nobody Likes Mondays or whatever antics a former Disney start is getting into now.

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    1. Ooh, good call! Don't forget the 'death' angle, too. That's always a great way to snare views. "What you don't know about Mondays... could kill you. That and more after the break!"

      Delete
  18. I wonder if I am the only person who read your post and found the Harrison Ford plane crash to be news...

    I stopped paying attention to the media years ago...although I do put on Mike & Mike (ESPN morning show) while getting ready for work....so I know more about Golic's Kardashian-inspired butt-photo than I do about what (or who) is covering Kardashian's butt.


    Larry

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    1. Sure, Harrison Ford crashing is news, but the news outlets all seemed to paint it as "he's in critical condition and could DIE at any moment" just for the sake of views, when really, he's banged up but otherwise fine.

      Also, let's interview the manager of the golf course and ask what he thought about Star Wars. That's important for the viewers.

      The funny thing is that neither of us really pay much attention to the media, but it's hard to ignore it when you use things like Facebook and Twitter and trending news stories still find their way onto your computer screen on an hourly basis, for better or worse (almost always worse).

      Also, for the record, give me Golic's ass over Kim's any day.

      Delete
  19. Unnewsy news is a pet peeve.

    How about celebrity news on the nightly network news? REALLY, PEOPLE?

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    1. My personal favorite is when they show YouTube clips on the news. Like, just a random funny video of a cat doing something stupid, something that would barely pass as a Facebook post, and now it's being shared by a major anchor on a primetime news show.

      Delete
  20. Boyfriend got SO mad about the dress coverage. It was like this:

    Boyfriend: EVERY NEWS CHANNEL COVERED IT! WHAT IS WRONG WITH THEM I WALKED OUT OF THE ROOM SCREAMING HOW IS THIS NEWS?!?
    Me: I agree, but...didyouseewhiteandgoldorblueandblack?
    Boyfriend: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

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    1. It's a cool optical illusion, but the fact that it made front page news made us both angry as well. When does it end?

      "CNN's Anderson Cooper here for hour 6 of 'where did that coin come from?' My grandpa pulled it from behind my ear, and according a team of scientists, there was NOT a quarter there before."

      Delete
  21. I refuse to believe Cosby (the old rapist one) is guilty. I love him. It can't be so. Brian Williams probably made that up too.

    Love the cartoon of Harrison Ford's crash. I must send that to my twisted children.

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    1. Maybe it's just a ploy by Cosby the band so they can become the world's most beloved Cosby. I mean, I already think they are, but I'm also not worried about getting drugged and raped at one of their shows...

      Delete
  22. Replies
    1. "A winter weather advisory has been put in effect for the next 24 hours as we prepare for another arctic blast from the north!"

      Weatherman code for: "It's gonna snow about 2 inches tomorrow."

      Delete
  23. I don't know if you have it right about that snow turning to water. I think science has shown that that's only how it works in controlled lab experiments. But that stuff in the wild, and there's no telling what might happen.

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    1. It really depends on the geographical location. Like, in almost all of my yard the snow turned to water, but in the spot where the dogs go to the bathroom, the snow all melted away and turned into shit. I really think the weather people should be looking into this phenomena.

      Delete
  24. I don't follow sports but if a reporter asked how the Maple Leafs won a game all they would hear would be crickets. I love the baby mama because it is so true. I see that enough..hell another counsellor had a client who was 27, had, I think 11 kids or something like that, let's just call it a litter, and she was a grandmother! Yes she was on Assistance. My eyes almost fell out of my head when I heard about the dress on ABC World News tonight. I shook my head. I also think there were 3 pictures of the dress-the blue and black, the white and gold and a light blue and charcoal. I watched "Good Night and Good Luck" last night which is about Edward R Murrow and his fight against McCarthy. He and so many other newsman are turning over in their grave by the morons that make the news entertainment. Brian Williams is ...so sad. I am glad he made it to the moon though:)

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    1. Rolling over in their graves indeed. Could you imagine?

      "Good evening, I'm Walter Cronkite, and tonight we're going to take a look into Marilyn Monroe's nip-slip. It appears she was also not wearing underwear. But first, this YouTube video of a monkey that can fart the alphabet."

      Oh, and I once worked with a woman who was 35 and already a grandmother. It was horrifying. And here I am at 31 thinking "Am I ready for kids?"

      Delete
    2. Oh I would watch the monkey farting the alphabet..just saying. This would confirm that the monkey is smarter than Kim Kardashiass and Paris Hilton combined. I am 50 and I am still not ready for kids...give me the furry kind any day

      Delete
  25. Brilliant post, guys. For some reason, the "4 Baby Daddys" really got to me. Still chuckling.

    It's not enough to interview the celebrities at issue. They interview everyone who knows them. Brian Williams daughter says "My daddy's an honest man." And that's breaking news too. (That one really is.) Or the serial rapist/killers' neighbors claim he was such a nice guy.

    I'd like to open aol one day without reading about some actresses "plunging neckline" or her "shocking" dress that leaves little to the imagination. Let's change it up and talk about an actor's plunging neckline, at least.

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    1. I just think it's funny that only a week before that the show Girls aired an episode with Allison Williams getting her butt, um, snacked on by a guy (see or probably don't see here) and now it's Brian who's the awkward embarrassment to the family name. Ouch.

      Stay classy, Williams'!

      Delete
    2. I did see and wish I didn't. But it wasn't quite disturbing enough to call disturbing. It's funny and more embarrassing - you'd think - than any of Brian's stories.

      Haha. How do you stay in-the-know about all of these world's most bizarre, twisted, petty occurrences? Another reason why I admire the hell out of you guys.

      Delete
    3. Between Facebook's stupid "trending" stories on the sidebar, trending hashtags on Twitter, and trending topics on Bing*, we pretty much stay on top of the news whether we want to or not.

      *I use that so I can earn Amazon gift cards, not as a legitimate search engine. Whew. That was close. The Internet almost judged me

      Delete
    4. I see. So Bing is where one can watch Allison Williams' head-butt bang? One can simultaneously earn points for Amazon gift cards? I'm not sure who to judge here - (Bing, Amazon, or...) Williams, definitely Williams.

      Delete
    5. Maybe that's why dear LL hasn't been by in a while... too busy watchin' head-butt-bangin on Bing. :(

      Delete
    6. Those dolls are getting busy in new positions, it seems.

      Delete
    7. Yes, I was also thinking about how she must've embarrassed her family, especially her dad, after the "snacking" episode! As disturbing as that uncompromising position was, it was minor in comparison to her dad's dirty deed. Sorry for literally butting in on your comments, Robyn! More to follow below.

      Julie

      Delete
    8. Hey, being a literal butt munch was crucial to driving the story line. That sex scene was tasteful. Heh heh. Get it? Tasteful...

      Oh, and you can butt into our comments any time. Get it? Butt... (We'll show ourselves out)

      Delete
    9. All I have is laughter for this thread, Julie and Bryan. I also have sympathy for the actor. Can you imagine being instructed to snack on her butt like that? And for that long? I hope he got paid a shitload - pun intended.

      Delete
  26. Super post, but you left out a couple important facets every aspiring journalist should know about today. First, there's there's the all-important powers of prediction. Not only does each news person have to be able to say and/or write what "might" happen, or what someone "might" say or do, he must also have a bevy of other equally informed people on hand to give their opinions, too. Then there's the equally important ability to interpret. They have to tell us what the person giving that speech or doing such-and-such REALLY said or did, just in case we can't figure those things out for ourselves. Again, that bevy of other opiners is important, too, because Senator So-and-So's next door neighbor's best friends' butler may have much better insight into the Senator's intentions than you or I. And finally, every journalist must form a highly-developed form of insensitivity, so when a person is standing shell-shocked next to the ruins of her home, said journalist can ask how it "feels" to lose her entire family and everything she held dear.

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    1. Damn! We bow down to you! Spoken like a true news professional! My favorite is that last one, especially when they ask those wonderfully idiotic questions that really jab the knife in there by reminding them of every painful detail while not asking anything of substance.

      "So tell me, your husband was brutally murdered when your ex boyfriend bashed his skull in with a baseball bat 127 times. After the ex fled, your husband died screaming in your arms. Would you tell us what was going through your mind at the moment?"

      Delete
  27. Thank God you don't take on Martin World News...

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    1. Take it on? Where do you think we get our REAL news?

      Delete
    2. Oh, you know, same as me... Epoch Times, Sputnik, DRNK government portal, the Mirror...

      Delete
  28. I can't believe you didn't find the dress thing fascinating. I actually (in all seriousness) did find that very interesting. Why does one person see blue and black and another white and gold? I was out with my ex and his kids when the boy got a text of this picture. I and the girl saw gold and white and the boys saw black and blue. We really thought they were screwing with us. (I mentally decided that, once again, I was right to divorce this yo-yo who can't even SEE correctly, and had serious worries about the boy, who I thought was a smart pretty kid... right up until this startling event.) Turns out that there is some weird science involved here with low lighting and how a person perceives light. And since I only mildly dig science (my way of saying I only mildly UNDERSTAND it), I found the whole thing fascinating for about a day.

    Local news in Jacksonville is surprisingly newsy. You would not believe the number of hit and runs we have. House fires. People who kill their entire family followed by shooting themselves. Cars that stall out on a bridge and are then hit by semis, causing the car to burst into flames with an entire family trapped inside (that was about a week ago). Cars that catch on fire on I-95. Etc. Etc. Etc. And when we don't have a NEW tragedy, they interview someone about the OLD one. It's all horribly tragic. And then there's the weather. Just last week we had the temperature drop 40-50 degrees over the course of 12 hours. You have to admit... that's NEWS!

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    1. I meant pretty smart kid rather than smart pretty kid. Totally different things. And, if used incorrectly, could cause a news segment to go viral.

      Delete
    2. No, don't get us wrong, we both found it incredibly interesting. We just think it's silly that that kind of thing can reach front page news status. I mean, we don't have a single comment from anyone saying they never heard of the dress thing. EVERYONE has heard about it. Even my parents. And they don't even use the Internet.

      Florida is definitely a hub for news. Have you seen they have a Twitter account called "Florida Man" that's simply any weird news story where the headlines starts with the term "Florida Man..."?

      Real example lifted from the page: Florida Man Throws Bucket of Urine and Can of French Onion Dip Over Girlfriend During Argument

      https://twitter.com/_floridaman

      Delete
    3. Also...

      Florida Man Puts Smart Pretty Kid In White And Gold Dress, Ends Up Black and Blue In Prison

      Delete
    4. I'd not seen the FL Man Twitter site until following your link. OMG. Some of those were hilarious. And tragic. And oh so wrong. I'm not sure what they put in the water here, but I'm sure it's SOMETHING. I wish it cured migraines....;)

      Delete
  29. Hi B&B.
    I'm disappointed your local hump rag wouldn't post your stuff. You guys are so careful to bring human interests events to light. Yep, that special brand of sensitive readershi(t)p compels us to applaud you. Your cartoonies rival Sch(li)ultz. What a peanut rag! I'm officially, "Vocal for Local." I loved your Wookie, (smile).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, we do strive for a great relationshi(t)p with our readers.

      The Local Hump Rag. They should call it that instead of The Brighton Blade. That might actually attract readers under 70.

      And hey, you'd better like our Wookie. They don't make 'em like they used to.

      I bent my Wookie :(

      Delete
    2. Thanks for the wookietoon! That's better than wookiepedia.

      Delete
  30. I watch the news in order to stay informed, but in recent years I have been seen running and screaming from the TV. Your assessment of what passes for "news" is absolutely correct. I'm thinking you may want to apply for a job hosting The Daily Show as that was the closest thing to usable information available. Sadly, your post is hilarious as it is the most honest evaluation of the news since I screamed it for the world to hear before it got too cold outside. I am deliriously happy that someone else has called the networks on this broadcast dysentery spewing from my TV and that I am not alone! I need to send you a case of beer.

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    1. I seriously got the majority of my news from The Colbert Report and The Daily Show. They were stupid and funny but at least they were honest. With The Colbert Report gone and Jon Stewart leaving, I'm just going to crawl into my closet, jam q-tips in my ears, and ignore the world. I think I'm better off that way.

      So please mail that case of beer to my closet. I'm gonna need it in there.

      Delete
  31. We all know Buzz Lightyear landed on the moon with Lance Armstrong.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Technically Lance Armstrong was supposed to be the first man to step foot on the moon, but since he got caught doping, they stripped him of the title. Serves him right. He wouldn't have even made it half way to the moon without.

      Delete
  32. I think you hit on just about every ridiculous thing out in the news right now and those hilarious Brian Williams meme's. He did indeed invent the oatmeal and sand, and dust and probably even made the sun.

    Sports is boring so I don't watch it. lol

    The weather makes me laugh. Here in Vegas we have Hot, cool, flash flood and windy. There's no snow, no really cold winter, no tornados or any other real weather weirdness. No when something freakish does happen the weather people go NUTS! We had 4 inches of snow a few years ago and it seemed like the reporters covered all corners of the city, interviewing any bystander they came across. Live coverage of people making 3 inch snowmen, having tiny snowball fights, some guy was wearing shorts to walk around in the snow because it really wasn't that cold and all the reporters wanted to talk to him. It was madness.

    And if you disagree with someone, you've don so either because of their race or because of their gender. It's ridiculous. Society as a whole has gone to shit. Damn, I'm so depressed now. I need a donut. lol

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    1. I've been in Vegas when it rains and it's crazy. No one can drive for shit and it doesn't help that the drainage systems suck (or don't exist) so 3 inches of rain ends up flooding streets.

      Oh, and don't forget political leanings too. We can only agree if we both follow the same political party. If we don't then you're clearly the asshole trying to ram this country into the ground while I'm trying to save it.

      ...please pass the donuts.

      Delete
  33. And if all else fails they show a cute animal video to distract people from how stupid they sound

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    1. And it clearly works! Who needs to know how many innocent people died today when we can watch a squirrel water surfing on a mini jet ski!

      Delete
  34. Kate Middleton is a duchess. Unless you are talking about a different princess kate?

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    1. That's what you get when news outlets don't do any form of researching or fact checking on stories. Now that I think about it, I don't believe that Brian Williams guy actually invented oatmeal either.

      Delete
  35. I think the month was June, the year 2013, the time irrelevant, when I got unplugged. Yes, I stopped being hip, tuned in, cool, in the know, a go to gal extraordinaire, the day I got unplugged.

    I think Brian Williams should be lauded as a god - a lying god - I think there's a need for such a creature. Lord knows there's a god for just about everything else. And, what did he really do wrong anyway… that the Kardashians haven't already done, said, will do, will say…. yada yada yada.

    Duchess, Princess, Ordinary Chick - really, what's the truth, the whole truth and nothing but the truth, so help us Brian Williams… just saying!

    Thank god I've got Twitter - I'm sooooo in the groove, got my finger on the pulse (yes, I'm still kicking) and I love when I get followed and unfollowed by a "follow me junkie" within a day of each other. Really, I so hate the "hmmm, she's not following me so piss on her, I'm unfollowing" - yup, I'll take a dozen Brian Williams any day. LOL

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    1. Okay, are you sure you aren't a professional news journalist? Because you just A) completely excused Brian Williams B) mentioned the Kardashians and C) even managed to name drop your Twitter at the end... all in one single comment. That's just beyond impressive.

      Honestly, I don't care that Brian Williams makes up stories. I just wish the news world wouldn't act so completely appalled and taken back by it, like none of them have ever lied about a personal story or embellished one to make it seem more dramatic than it was.

      It's like Chico the heroin dealer watching his friend Tiny the meth dealer get arrested for dealing drugs and saying, "Tiny? Really? How could this be? Come on man, we all thought you were better than this."

      Delete
    2. LOL x 10…. plus a few hahahahahaha's for good measure.

      So, you think I should try my hand at being a professional news journalist, eh?

      Well, I'm thinking my first career goal, after being ME, would be to try my hand a being a Deadly Virus… you know, start small, then work my way up to PNJ… or, I could just continue being ME, which in itself is scary, but not all that deadly.

      Re BW - the part that frosted my ankle socks was how his station acted all, "OMG we just can't tolerate a liar (particularly one that gets caught) at our station" - such fucktards!

      Chico and Tiny - ah, brings back memories! :P

      Delete
    3. Maybe you can try your hand at bringing back Ebola? I mean, the news did okay with it for a while, and then 'Ebolamania' just kinda vanished. I feel like it needs to stage a comeback.

      Delete
    4. You are just full of great ideas!

      With non-existent funds I could open a water park (with all this incessant rain up here) and one of the rides would be the Ebolamania Water Slide - too cool. Nicknamed the Gut Wrencher.

      And, I'd invite my BFF's, the Kardashians, to open the park and be the first on the ride with T-shirts that say "I've been Wrenched"… and think of all the press when those T-shirts get wet. Twitter would go wild!

      Delete
  36. The art of journalism, is sadly, dead. (I couldn't believe that Kim K.'s hair color was a top news story in the New York Times. Seriously?)

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    Replies
    1. And that's really what it comes down to. If places like TMZ think that's news, great, they suck anyway and their whole "news organization" is a joke. But I really thought places like The New York Times would be better than that. Clearly I was wrong.

      Delete
  37. The art of journalism, is sadly, dead. (I couldn't believe that Kim K.'s hair color was a top news story in the New York Times. Seriously?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. At this point I'm pretty sure Kim Kartrashian just changes her hair color to something really bad like platinum blonde so that people will talk about her and keep her relevant. The saddest part? It's working. So dear world: STOP. ONLY THEN WILL SHE FINALLY GO AWAY.

      Delete
  38. I guess 'No news, REALLY is good news'. I'm shocked, horrified, and saddened that the "N-E-W-S", has gone from informing us of the truth, to something that my Momma used to call 'bird cage lining (The National Inquirer). Who woulda thunk it. Ha, ha, ha!

    Personally, I don't think we've been told the truth for years about anything, so now that they are only telling us the frivilous lies, I should be upset? I don't think so.

    I don't watch TV, shut down my Facebook account years ago, and stay off the mainstream news sites. I did recognize Jim Can'ttellthetruth from that Weather Channel clip ( used to watch them to see when de hurricane come to get me), but it was par for the course, or at least par for Jim.

    I only recently learned about this whole Brian Williams 'scandal'. YIKES! They are actually going to persecute one of 'em for lying? I'm shocked, horrified, and saddened. Not really, I'm just surprised that they are making an example out of him. They all lie!

    OK, now to be totally serious...very funny post with some great images,. You guys should think about starting your own 'Newsworthy Rag'. Ha, ha, ha!

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    1. Psssh, who needs the truth when you can fill the news with mindless bullshit like a girl who falls through and shatters a glass coffee table while twerking or a cat that can ride a roomba with a pancake on its head?

      Besides, the news lies to us? NO! NO WAY! I refuse to believe it. The news has always been about delivering the utmost quality in true, daily events, and... ooh, a feature on Grumpy Cat!

      Delete
  39. It just occurred to me that you guys would both do well as news anchors should your writing career get boring or tedious. I would actually pay for satellite dish just to see the world news with Bryan and Brandon. One thing I know...there'd be no bullshit!

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    1. Oh wow, you know the news is a sorry affair when you can get more truth from the likes of us. We take that as a compliment! ... I think. :)

      Delete
  40. Don't forget convincing everyone that THE WORLD IS ABOUT TO END RIGHT NOW. No matter what type of news. The world is ending. So go buy groceries immediately.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh yes, and WHAT YOU DON'T KNOW ABOUT THIS COMMON HOUSEHOLD INGREDIENT COULD KILL YOU... coming up in 15 minutes. But first, let's check out an adorable YouTube video of a porcupine eating a pumpkin!

      Delete
  41. Our weather reporters in Australia have had to resort to shenanigans to keep the report interesting. I'm pretty sure I saw one do a report from a rollercoaster.

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    1. Personally, I think we're both living in the wrong countries. In Mexico, they know weather forecasting is boring, so they just make the weather girls, uh... more interesting.

      Delete
    2. We used to have a show here called Naked News. I tried looking it up for you, but the results I got... Well, they kept me occupied for a while.

      Delete
    3. I'm gonna have to look that up later. I mean, I just tried looking it up now, but I'm also going to have to look it up later. Maybe tomorrow, too. Yep, it's gonna be a busy next few days...

      Delete
  42. Excellent parody on the blending of news and entertainment! Loved your lifelike Brian Williams, and deliberate way of making everyone involved in "Sportsing" look the same (aside from hair color)! I also think that woman should be rewarded for having a "job-free lifestyle," while spending quality time with her four baby daddies! Very funny!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Well, I think the more concussions they get, the more they all start to meld together and look alike anyway.

      And it's perfectly okay to disagree with someone so long as you're the same gender and race and age. If you aren't, then you're clearly sexist/racist/ageist/whatever-other-ists people will think of next.

      Delete
  43. This is why I am no longer a reporter.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You don't want to update the world on Lindsay Lohan's latest nip slip, or Chris Brown's latest lady-punching?

      Delete
  44. Ooooo, totally stealing the music!

    'News", just one (big) reason I hate television. Kim K's. butt is just not that interesting.

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    1. It's not sexy, either, which is why I don't understand the morbid fascination with it. It's like two hams shoehorned into a pair of granny panties.

      Delete
  45. Thanks for the news! I had no idea about Kim and Chris. As for the dress, huh? I'm out of it.

    You are so right about the news. All news (local or national) is bad. But I'll admit that when I lived in Chicago, there wasn't anything wonderful going on. The news stories were about violence and rape, one after the other, that you kinda didn't mind hearing about a celebrities life. But you're right, it isn't newsworthy.

    All the stations are political and opinionated. Anyone who says differently should be slapped around.

    The weather in Germany always gives a chance of rain, you know, in case it rains. I love your picture of Harrison Ford's crash.

    And here's 30-seconds of newsworthy material: In the U.S., the Republicans decided to clarify the constitution for Iran and anyone else who forgot there even was a constitution. Chuck Norris is celebrating his birthday. eBooks are crushing paperbacks. Not being politically correct means you're a racist, sexist, and a hater. Cheetos will never be as good as Doritos. Budweiser isn't really beer. It's water with a squeeze of barley.

    Have a good one!

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    1. Wow, you must be the only person who never heard of that stupid dress story. Some people saw it as white/gold. Some people saw it as black/blue. It's our eyes playing tricks on us because of poor lighting by the cell phone camera that took it, but still... front page news?

      Oh, and you know what Coors Light is? It's water with a squeeze of barley, but that water is 'fresh Rocky Mountain spring water.' It's important to use the most high quality water that you can when you're making piss water. :)

      Delete
    2. I'm glad I missed the dress photo thingy.

      Years ago, when my mom traveled to Denver for work, she'd come back with Coors in her suitcase because they didn't sell it anywhere else. She also had a hat made out of the Coors cans. LOL! The memory makes me laugh.

      Delete
  46. Some of the questions asked by newscasters and sportscasters makes me face-palm whenever I hear them.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "You just lost the Super Bowl. How do you feel right now?"
      "Your store was just robbed. How does that make you feel?"
      "Your mother was just stabbed to death while your baby watched. How are you feeling right now?"

      Delete
  47. Well, I covered a riveting mattress sale over the weekend, but Justin Bieber wasn't involved, so no one cared. Or, at least, that's what I'm choosing to believe.

    But, I live in Massachusetts, so the news has been having a field day the past two months with all the snow, breaking down the varying components of snow such as water and frozen water. Now, if only all this melting snow would turn into black ice so they can talk about that for 72 hours straight.

    Also, the sports coverage is spot on. Though, I'm a sucker when it comes to reading up on all the trades happening throughout the NFL and being the first of my coworkers to comment on it.

    "You hear about Revis going to the Jets?"
    "Yeah, that sucks."
    "Yeah..."
    "Yeah..."
    "70 million offer."
    "I know. Crazy."
    "Yeah..."
    "Yeah..."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're really not far off from becoming a sports announcer. Just add more words and more excitement to that speculation.

      "Okay, now let's talk about Revis going to the Jets."
      "Yes, Chiz, this is devastating."
      "Absolutely."
      "One hundred percent correct."
      "And did you see that he was offered $70 million?"
      "This is insane, Chiz. Insane. 70. Million. Dollars."
      "Absolutely."
      "One hundred percent."
      "Now let's go over to the sports desk with their analysis."

      Delete
  48. Replies
    1. "Ooh, did I tell you about how I actually invented Fluffer Nutter Sandwiches? Back when I was Elvis's personal assistant." - Brian Williams

      Delete
  49. I don't watch the news because it makes me sad and depressed and I want to cry...no, not really, I don't watch the news because Alaskan Bush People is on!

    So isn't it about time you did a spoof on them? And if you do, put me in there as their long lost cousin from Michigan Bushman people! LMAO

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    1. I just learned about the Alaska Bush People (had to Google it), but I'm not surprised. Not that it's a TV show, or that it's on the Discovery Channel (remember when that was actually shows about learning and not a bunch of bullshit reality shows?). That's a post in itself.

      Delete
    2. Alaska seems to be all the rage right now. 9 months of winter. I guess I would be crazy too, excuse me, crazier!

      Delete
  50. Your news about the news that is no news is so exciting. Than kyou enlightening the heck out of me on a Sunday morning. I had something done to my hair too....

    What do you mean, "Nw, THAT is no news"?

    Hope you're doing fine, fellas.

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    1. Oh, but that IS news. To us at least. We care about you and your hair. Just not Kim Whore-dashians. So... inquiring minds want to know! New style? New color? Extensions? This and more at eleven!

      Delete
  51. for......

    Oh darn it's way to early to type.

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    Replies
    1. *too

      (Sorry, had to)

      Still 100% more coherent and eloquently worded than anything you'll find on Buzzfeed.

      Delete
  52. Every time I turn on the news there's breaking news. I think they're trying to condition us so that we don't pay attention when some really bad stuff comes down. As long as the power's on and we got TV no one would probably care if the government was being overthrown or something that would really affect us.

    By the way, where has Al Gore been lately? Are he and Brian Williams the same guy?

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Breaking news: right now we have absolutely no breaking news! But I'm still going to talk about that cat in a tree like it's the most damn exciting thing you've ever heard!

      Oh, and I think it's likely that Al Gore and Brian Williams are the same person, seeing as how they both have tales of inventing the Internet.

      Delete