Hey guys, Bryan here. And I wasn't always married to the lovely, purple haired saint that constantly puts up with my shenanigans. No, at one time I was single - painfully single - and as I found it kinda hard to meet people, I turned to the digital jungle that was online dating.
Now, online dating is interesting to begin with, because it's full of profiles of people that have ridiculously unrealistic expectations.
Ultimately, I met my wife there. But unfortunately, I had to wade through a sea of crazies to get to her. And today I'm gonna share with you the stories of two of them, as inspired by some comments I recently traded with our awesome friend Julie.
Now, once you get past the Oinkys, you find some candidates that share your interests, and seem like decent people, and don't look like complete swamp trolls (huge plus!). I decided to try meeting some of these women in person for something extremely low key like coffee. But with Elizabeth* I quickly found that 'low key' was not in her vocabulary.
*Real name, because fuck it, what's she gonna do? Sue me?
We agreed to meet at Starbucks, and I got there just before her. I grabbed a cup of coffee. I sat down and waited for her. And when she came in... these were seriously the very first words out of her mouth.
Because nothing says 'hello' quite like the fires of a raging biological clock. And after her big spiel, she let out a huge sigh of relief and said...
To which I said...
Yeah, I know, kind of a dick thing to say, but I also wasn't going to sit through 30 minutes of awkwardly sipping my coffee, knowing she was picturing our future offspring.
She was not happy about my little quip, gave me a few choice words, and stormed out. The kicker, of course, was that 20 minutes later she sent me a text saying something along the lines of this...
Wait... a BIT too strong? Now that WE'VE both cooled off? Well, naturally, this was my only course of action...
Needless to say, I did not reply. And after a few awkward 'hello?'s and 'are you there?'s she finally went away.
Now, speaking of things that never go away... next up was Tara*.
*Real name again - why not? Come at me Tarabro
Tara had a great sense of humor, and we liked to joke around. We also had a decent amount in common. However, there was one thing that we didn't have in common. Something I absolutely never wanted to have in common with her. And the only reason it came out was because of a very stupid joke I made to keep the humor going.
To this day, "I got herpes" is still the most interesting way a person's ever answered the question "How was your day?"
But that wasn't the craziest part. No, the craziest part was how she tried to "rally the troops" and "inspire me", using this incurable sexually transmitted disease as a badge of honor.
No, really. She said that. And she got really, really mad when I ran faster than an Olympic sprinter.
I was unwilling to chivalrously accept her gift of herpes. So, much like 'the herp', I told Tara to go away and never come within 100 feet of my genitals. And, much like herpes, Tara was a little sore but I'm sure she eventually learned to live with it.
Now, believe it or not, there were actually more crazies/stalkers/all around nutjobs in my online dating life, and if people have any interest, I'll share them in the future and keep this going. But till then, just know that while your good friend Bryan has done some stupid things in his time, he did not knock up/marry a stranger with a ticking biological clock, nor did he succumb to 'the herp', so at least he's exercised some good judgment over the years.
Cheers and stay herpes free, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)
Beer: Deschutes Mirror Pond
Music: Strange Talk