Monday, March 2, 2015

Online Dating: The Breeding Ground of Crazies

Hey guys, Bryan here. And I wasn't always married to the lovely, purple haired saint that constantly puts up with my shenanigans. No, at one time I was single - painfully single - and as I found it kinda hard to meet people, I turned to the digital jungle that was online dating.

Now, online dating is interesting to begin with, because it's full of profiles of people that have ridiculously unrealistic expectations.



Ultimately, I met my wife there. But unfortunately, I had to wade through a sea of crazies to get to her. And today I'm gonna share with you the stories of two of them, as inspired by some comments I recently traded with our awesome friend Julie.

Now, once you get past the Oinkys, you find some candidates that share your interests, and seem like decent people, and don't look like complete swamp trolls (huge plus!). I decided to try meeting some of these women in person for something extremely low key like coffee. But with Elizabeth* I quickly found that 'low key' was not in her vocabulary.

*Real name, because fuck it, what's she gonna do? Sue me?

We agreed to meet at Starbucks, and I got there just before her. I grabbed a cup of coffee. I sat down and waited for her. And when she came in... these were seriously the very first words out of her mouth.






Because nothing says 'hello' quite like the fires of a raging biological clock. And after her big spiel, she let out a huge sigh of relief and said...


To which I said...


Yeah, I know, kind of a dick thing to say, but I also wasn't going to sit through 30 minutes of awkwardly sipping my coffee, knowing she was picturing our future offspring.

She was not happy about my little quip, gave me a few choice words, and stormed out. The kicker, of course, was that 20 minutes later she sent me a text saying something along the lines of this...


Wait... a BIT too strong? Now that WE'VE both cooled off? Well, naturally, this was my only course of action...


Needless to say, I did not reply. And after a few awkward 'hello?'s and 'are you there?'s she finally went away.

Now, speaking of things that never go away... next up was Tara*.

*Real name again - why not? Come at me Tarabro

Tara had a great sense of humor, and we liked to joke around. We also had a decent amount in common. However, there was one thing that we didn't have in common. Something I absolutely never wanted to have in common with her. And the only reason it came out was because of a very stupid joke I made to keep the humor going.







To this day, "I got herpes" is still the most interesting way a person's ever answered the question "How was your day?"

But that wasn't the craziest part. No, the craziest part was how she tried to "rally the troops" and "inspire me", using this incurable sexually transmitted disease as a badge of honor.



No, really. She said that. And she got really, really mad when I ran faster than an Olympic sprinter.

I was unwilling to chivalrously accept her gift of herpes. So, much like 'the herp', I told Tara to go away and never come within 100 feet of my genitals. And, much like herpes, Tara was a little sore but I'm sure she eventually learned to live with it.

Now, believe it or not, there were actually more crazies/stalkers/all around nutjobs in my online dating life, and if people have any interest, I'll share them in the future and keep this going. But till then, just know that while your good friend Bryan has done some stupid things in his time, he did not knock up/marry a stranger with a ticking biological clock, nor did he succumb to 'the herp', so at least he's exercised some good judgment over the years.

Cheers and stay herpes free, friends,
Bryan (and Brandon)

Beer: Deschutes Mirror Pond
Music: Strange Talk


143 comments:

  1. That wins for how was your day - unless maybe she'd said she'd killed someone. Of course, if you'd stayed with her, that might have been you.
    Any woman who informed me on date number one she was dying to have kids would've sent me running.

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    1. I don't know if herpes would have killed me but it sure would have killed my dating life. And I like kids. I want kids some day. But not under the quickly approaching, ticking time bomb that is a crazy-woman's uterus.

      Delete
  2. Were the herpes monsters inspired by Dr. Mario?
    I love bad date stories it makes me go into the other room, kiss my spouse, and revel in my blessed coupledom that I don't have to go through with that craziness.
    But seriously, do you have Tara's number? I have the Clap and I think we'd get along great.

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    1. YES! They were indeed inspired by Dr. Mario. Isn't herpes cute? No, wait, no, it's not. I'm gonna go stack some cartoon pill blocks on top of them until they burst.

      And I don't think you and Tara would get along great. She's the kind of girl who REALLY likes to commit. The clap just comes and goes, but herpes? That stays with you forever.

      Delete
  3. Your drawing of herpes are much less terrifying than the ones they show during health class/sex ed when they give the whole, "Don't have sex because you will get pregnant and die" speech. That being said, 100 feet distance isn't enough. Try more like 100 miles.

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    1. They're actually from Dr. Mario, but I don't know if Dr. Mario ever cured herpes. I'm kinda dubious of plumbers who moonlight as medical doctors.

      Tara thinks I'm a "huge fucking asshole", so she's probably willing to be 100 miles away from me anyway. However, I'm also a "huge fucking asshole" without herpes, so I consider that a win any day.

      Delete
  4. lol Oh you have to keep this going. I love knowing I am not the only one with a crazy dating history.I haven't tried online dating. I have lots of friends who are happily married to people they met online, but I am afraid I'd be the crazy cat lady story guys tell their blog readers.

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    1. Ha! Guy bloggers? You give the online dating pool way too much credit. As our blogger friend Robyn always hilariously posts about, the majority of guys on dating sites are illiterate idiots.

      As long as you're an attractive female, your biggest problem would probably be receiving way too many poorly spelled, creepy messages like "Hey cn i tuch yor boobees?" from users named something like ThrobingSexSlayr69.

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    2. I get those anyway from idiots on facebook.

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    3. I am so, so glad I'm not a woman on Facebook. Random people that message me? ZERO. Just the way I fucking like it.

      Delete
  5. So glad I've been married for 20 years, and that my dating years were pre-Match.com. We met people the way God and nature intended: drunk, and in dimly lit bars. You know, the safe way.

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    1. I actually met these people (and my wife) on a site called okcupid. The difference? Match.com costs money. So maybe I got what I paid for, but at least I didn't have to spend $19.99 a month to meet this level of crazy?

      Delete
  6. I haven't dated many people, so I don't have a lot of stories like this... so I kind of like reading others' horror stories.

    Actually, when I read this horror stories, it makes me wonder why people continue to try and date. Either they LIKE the horror stories or they are really afraid of being alone.

    Of course, I met my ex-wife in the comment section of the Fox News site, so I'm not exactly on a moral highroad here...

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    1. The carrot on the string, my friend. The carrot on the string. And it only took one and a half years of running on that stupid treadmill before I caught my carrot.

      So now I just feel like you're fucking with me. Did you really meet her on the comment section of the Fox News site, and if so... why? Reading the digital word-vomit of illiterate trolls hardly seems like a productive use of anyone's time.

      Delete
  7. Dating war stories are the BEST! I wonder if you figure in anyone else's?

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    1. I have my own stupid quirks, so I wouldn't be surprised.

      "OMG you guys, I once went on a date with a guy who wouldn't even accept my herpes. Like, I don't just offer that to ANYBODY, you know. He was actually the first. But Bryan was the most unromantic slob I had ever met. 2 out of 5 stars. Would not date again." - Yelp

      Delete
  8. lmao sadly I had the exact same thing with one, she wanted a baby by the end of the year and it was already near March. Feck that. I also had one who pretended she wanted to date when really she was a lesbian and was just looking for a man to knock her up so she and her partner could have a kid.Then there was a stalker type, a cougar who used fake pics, a drunk, a pot head and a few other nutballs, after that I just gave up. I'll be a crazy cat "lady" over dealing with that crap any day of the week. Want any more company I'll get a dog lol

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    1. Holy shit, that's awful and awesome at the same time. Who wouldn't want to impregnate a lesbian for the sake of her partner...? (They know they have clinics for that thing, right? And they don't have to actually fuck the guy?)

      Crazies on my end: woman who was so burned by ex boyfriends she gave me a full list of things I was not permitted to ever say or do with her, woman who wouldn't say a word to me the entire date and wouldn't even look me in the eyes and "had a blast", an LSD head, one whose pictures were at least 10 years old, and so on. It's gonna be a fun ride around here.

      Delete
    2. lmao you'll have lots of material to use. nut jobs abound. I guess they didn't want to go through all the "hoops" as she put it with the clinics. I could just stick it in, let it go, and pull it out. Her exact words. "Any nice guy would do it for them." Pffffftt. Funny now but very very disturbing at the time.

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    3. Yes, that's great until they decide they've run out of money and chase you down for child support since you're legally the father. LOL, hope that quick "put it in, let it go, pull it out" was worth $300 a month for 18 years!

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  9. McCrazypants, huh? That's one of finest families in all of Ireland. You could of been heir to the McCrazypants potato fortune. If only you weren't so afraid of commitment, Bryan!

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    1. Aye, me friend, there's just not enough scotch in the Isles. I didn't mention it, but she also had dreadlocks (she was a hippie in training) and adult braces. I don't think I could have summoned the courage to impregnate her even if I wanted to.

      Delete
  10. Haha, between you and Pat, bring on more stories. I love it. I've been wanting more of the guys' side for years. My male friends tell me that the women in ads are fat and ugly but feel entitled to Michaelangelo's David, alive and naked and ready for action. I don't understand how these women have never, say, looked in the mirror...And yeah, revelation of herpes would be a mood killer. And okay, I understand the biological clock thing, but I shut off the alarm before meeting the guy. Sounds like she wanted you to do her right then and there. Your line was perfect - witty and the only appropriate response.

    I'm glad you and Meli found each other. All the internet dating I did, I never met anyone worth keeping around for any length of time.

    I laughed at "Smokes: Crack."
    Fun stuff. More stories please. =)

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    1. I'm glad it's a hit! And did you see me pimping you out on here to Holly? Those posts are gold. Seriously.

      Fun fact: on my dating profile I ended up putting "Sorry, no single moms. I have nothing against you, but I just really don't want to date someone with kids." And I got more hate mail in one week than I EVER got in the 5 years we've run this blog.

      But remember, it's totally okay for that same woman to say she only dates guys over 6'2 and doesn't date Mexican guys.

      Delete
    2. Thanks so much for the 'pimp out.' Yeah, the minute you state any rule-outs whatsoever, the hate is unleashed. Damn. People have no clear how to reign in their cray cray. I started writing things like "I prefer....no single dads...someone who's fully employed..." and then I'd defend myself with something like "we all have the right to preferences. You have yours, so I'm entitled to mine." As if you have to justify being human with crazy freaks.

      BTW, the quality's no different with pay sites. So I'm getting my current blog gold from freebies (fish pond).

      Delete
    3. PS 'clue' not 'clear.' nothing's clear about dating the cray cray.

      Delete
    4. Ooh, the fish pond? That one I had the absolute worst luck on. That's where I met the crazy girl that wanted me to choke her with a belt (but it's okay because she was a paramedic so she could teach me how to resuscitate her if 'things got out of control').

      I had better luck on OKCupid simply because I met my wife there, but... let's not pretend that place is any better.

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    5. You're right. OKCupid is a tad better, especially since that's where you met your wife.

      She wanted you to choke her? As a prelude to tongue hockey? She's a paramedic? Okay, that's book worthy material.

      You've read most of my dating stories and celibacy posts. The best ones are off of the pond. Mr. Ribald's Epistle (guy who told countless "duck walks into a bar" type jokes and got so mad that I didn't laugh, he deserted me in the middle of the date) was from OKCupid. At least, he spoke in three+ syllable words. Glad I never saw his epistle, though.

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  11. The even better ones are the single moms who actually know you and decide that you would be a good dad and throw themselves at you in public spaces. Like in the lobby of a movie theater, "I'll do anything you want during the movie." That was not whispered or anything.

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    1. I hope that was followed by obnoxiously loud clarification. "WHAT I'M SAYING IS WE CAN DO BUTT STUFF. DO YOU LIKE BUTT STUFF?"

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    2. Ah, I can only wish I had been that quick.
      Except I'm pretty sure she would have said "yes," because she let me know two more times that "anything" meant -anything-. I had to hold her hand (sometimes both of them) just to keep it off of my zipper.

      Delete
  12. I don't think it's that much of a dick move to tell the girl you don't want to date her when the first thing she says to you is that she wants kids and to get married. That's not something that a lot of people want. It's actually good you said that and got things out on your end.

    I have done a little bit of online dating. I saw the oinkys but never really interacted with other people much. My friend made me do it and we set up the profile when we were drunk. I met all of two people. There was one girl who was nice but didn't talk to me after a few days, and then there was another who was nineteen with a kid and looking for a baby daddy. I wasn't that interested in her so nothing happened. I definitely didnt' want to be a baby daddy at 19 and still don't.

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    1. As I mentioned above, I once put up "Sorry, no single moms. I have nothing against you, but I just really don't want to date someone with kids." on my profile and got more hate mail than I've ever seen in my life.

      I did not want to play "baby daddy" to anyone either. One of the crazies I might mention down the road is a single mom who messaged me, then sent me her home address, told me to come over any time (she left the door open), and that the baby was sleeping so we could have some "fun." I did NOT take her up on that offer.

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  13. That's the kind of stuff I'm glad I'm not dealing with anymore. Though I don't know what's worse, the crazies you pick up in a bar or the ones you at least get to go through a screening process with the online stuff.

    If I ever have to face the scene of looking for a partner again (I hope not) I'll probably just be checking around whatever nursing home I end up in. I hear the whole hook-up scene is pretty wild there and STD's are a problem. When you get that old do you care that much about STD's anymore? For that matter would I really want to be messing around with old ladies like that?

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Believe it or not, online dating was still a step up from trying to meet people at bars. Mostly because the type of women I wanted are not the type that go to bars just to get drunkenly picked up.

      The thought of getting an STD from an 80 year old lady is pretty much the worst thing I could ever imagine. Why did you have to play God, viagra? Why couldn't you just leave old peoples' junk alone - the way nature intended it??

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  14. You did the right thing, getting the hell out of dodge as soon as possible. Somehow this also seems like an absolutely hilarious aspect of online dating, getting to meet all kinds of crazy people.
    Oh and yes, there's definitely interest in more of these stories!

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    1. Yes! Schadenfreude wins again! We've barely even scraped the surface of the crazy, weird, and emotionally damaged women that tried to worm their way into my life. Stay tuned for more.

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  15. hahahahahaha I think probably a LOT of people in this world can relate to these in some way, unforch. I had a 'friend w/benefits' call me to his apartment, about AN HOUR NORTH of my apartment, to have this similar conversation with me. However, thankfully b/c we never had a relationship (yes I may have been a whore at points of my life but I was honest about it) he didn't expect me to carry him on piggyback through the situation. In fact he wanted to tell me he could "never offer me sex again." And if you think that is an easy thing to get through without laughing, well maybe you had to be there. Also, I'm not a very comforting person, so we just drank beer and watched a Bruce Campbell movie, and somehow he said he felt better. I'm not a doctor.
    I've also been victim to the biological clock issue and scared off one guy I dated. I'm not really sure how it happened, but based on his response, I probably laid down a scene similar to Elizabeth's. I regret nothing, however, since we're Facebook friends and he's gone straight downhill visually and was never great in bed. Dodged a HUGE bullet. Eeeer a small one.
    Hey if you can call girls Oinky I can make dick jokes. It's only fair.

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    1. Hey, it's all fair to me. Oinky's just in denial that she's going to invariably end up with one of those small dick losers.

      Oh, and don't you worry, I laughed. Because no guy, no matter who he is, can get away with saying that he can't "offer you sex again." How dare he withhold the magical cocksmithery that he so generously indulged upon thee previously!

      Delete
    2. hahahaha "cocksmithery" is the name of my next album.
      I later explained that with enough birth control and medical attention, he may in fact have the sex again.
      (Not with me, but it wasn't a death sentence. He didn't have the HIVey or anything, just the Herp. He's married now, so Happy Ending!)

      Delete
  16. So your options were either become a Daddy or get herpes? And they both had the gall to get upset at your reaction. No wonder these bitches are still single. I have to imagine that most people doing online are lonely and have had a string of bad experiences behind them. Some of them must be nice, decent people who just need to meet the right person, but you have to wade through a whole lot of chaff to get to the wheat.

    I got lucky with meeting The Hubby. One day I walked into a music store looking to buy drum heads and saw him coming out of a back room. We both knew in an instant that we'd met our other half. Twenty eight years later and we're still together. To be perfectly honest I hope I pass before him as I can't imagine living without him. He's the heart of my heart.

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    1. That's the most beautiful thing you've ever said, Anne. Damn you for hitting me in the feels. And I know how that goes. I can't imagine life without my other half, either.

      And it's true, the reason I have so many stories about so many crazies is simply because of the slew of bad experiences they had. I plan to blog about it in the future, but for example, on the first date, one emotionally jaded woman gave me a complete list of do's and don'ts that I was required to follow at all times. "I had a boyfriend who used to tell me that his hair was 'prettier' than mine and it made me feel bad, so you can't ever grow your hair long. I also had a boyfriend who could only ever finish doggystyle and that made me feel ugly, so if we get that far, you can't ever do doggystyle."

      That wasn't a problem, because I left and never talked to her again. And because of it I'm sure I've made my own addition to her 'list'.

      (I had one guy leave during our date because of this list, so if you say you have to go use the bathroom, I have to walk with you to make sure you don't bail...)

      Delete
  17. Um. Wow. That's utterly terrifying, and I really don't know which one is the more horrific story. Crazy Bioclock Lady, or Herpes Gal....it's impossible to choose! But they could make for a great* comic book:

    "Bioclock Lady and Herpes Gal team up to fight the insufferable Oinky, whose plot for world domination puts the world's rich, handsome men at risk!"

    *Highly disturbing

    Seriously though, I'm glad you were able to crawl out of that jungle alive. Not everyone does! (Of course, those who actually don't survive are the ones who say "Yes!" to: "Let's meet up! At my house. In my sound-proofed basement." Nothing sketchy there, right?)

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    1. "Bioclock" legitimately sounds like the name of a genetically enhanced super villain, and I kinda want to use it in something.

      And hey, looking back, I was kinda smart with this stuff. This is why I only ever met up for coffee, because I could run out half way through without having to commit to a full meal or sticking someone with the bill. Even if they might have deserved it.

      "Just like you were going to stick me with herpes and not tell me, Tara, here's my bill. Which is now yours forever."

      Delete
    2. Yeah, meeting up for something low key like that is always a good idea in those situations. Or there's always Plan B: Dishonesty. My friend actually had me on standby on more than one occasion to call her with an "emergency" just in case a date wasn't going so well. Worked like a charm, even if it was a little bit mean...

      Bioclock is yours if you want it. Use it well.

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    3. PS: The painting of the cat in the turban is just fabulous. What is that, a Rembrandt? Or was it his step cousin, Rombundt? I always get the two of them mixed up in my mind...

      Delete
    4. It was a Picatso.

      (Sorry, I had to)

      My wife actually got one of those "calls" in the middle of our first date, and I asked her, "Really? We're doing this?" We both had a good laugh over the fact that she got busted, and it also let me know things were going well because she hung up on her friend. The rest is history.

      Delete
    5. That is a good story. I love that you called her out on it.

      Oh, and Picatso? Really? I'm not upset because it's cheesy, I'm upset that I didn't come up with it myself! It was SOOOOO obvious!

      Delete
    6. My second choice would have been Andy Purrhol or Clawed Meownet.

      Thank you, I'm here all night.

      Delete
  18. You were smart to run like hell from the biological clock chick. Although she has a nice rack, that cute little muffin top she's sportin' now before kids will turn into quite the FUPA after she pops out a few chirrun.

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    1. Ah, online dating was full of muffin tops. Not that I really cared if a girl had a few extra pounds, but it was funny how many would deliberately take pictures to make themselves look model thin, only to show up in person looking like the above.

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  19. I haven't done the online dating thing (and I'm so glad right now). However, I want to put in my vote RIGHT NOW for MORE STORIES PLEASE. These are hilarious.

    That said, I do remember the trauma of turning 30. That was followed not long after by the awareness that I wanted to have kids and wasn't even dating anyone. Aaaaccchh. So, I think I can relate to poor Elizabeth McCrazyLady. I never said that to anyone, but I did marry the man who is now my ex-husband. I think I can safely say that decision was heavily influenced by the fact that I just didn't want to date any more (and had given up on finding a truly nice guy) in favor of having a kid while I still could. The irony: I never had a kid. I did get migraines followed by a divorce.

    So, I feel a bit sorry for Elizabeth because she likely married the first guy who said, "Okay" to that crazy pronouncement. And then one day she woke up and realized that in her quest to have a baby she mated with (and married) the devil. Or one of his kin. Speaking as someone who took a different, but similar-looking route, to arrive at the same destination... well, I feel for her.

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    1. Hey, don't get me wrong. I feel sorry for Elizabeth too. And now that you gave me a glimpse into her future (something I never even thought about) I feel even worse for her. However, I wasn't going to continue to date someone that wanted me to immediately impregnate her. But, uh, at least she warned me rather than dropping that bomb on me 6 months into a relationship? I can only imagine how poorly that would have ended. So for that, I thank you, Elizabeth. And I only hope that the guy you trapped into knocking you up isn't making you want to contemplate suicide right now.

      Delete
    2. You know what's funny. It's all in the delivery. Seriously. (I realize that is a pun since we are talking about childbirth.... but anywhoozle.). Had Elizabeth just dated someone (like a normal person), it would have come out in the course of "what I want for my future" that she wanted kids. And maybe you want kids (someday) and maybe you don't. But that is a Natural part of the dating conversation (eventually.... just not on the first date). So, had she acted like a normal person and allowed that conversation to happen organically.... well, you wouldn't have this great story, now would you? And she might've married someone who wasn't insane. Ah... actions/consequences.

      Then again... if she'd behaved like a normal person, you wouldn't have met Meli... and that would've been tragic. So things happen the way they're supposed to.

      On a brighter note, maybe she learned something from that date and didn't use that as her opening gambit on future dates and didn't marry into the devil's family. I prefer to think it went down that way. Even crazy people deserve a happy ending... don't they???

      Delete
    3. Elizabeth was a pothead with dreadlocks and adult braces who didn't own a car and expected her man to drive her everywhere. I don't think it would have gone further anyway. :)

      (None of that was previously disclosed on her profile, mind you)

      Delete
  20. 6-B ~
    When I was much younger and more inclined to date, there was no such thing as Online Dating... or Online ANYTHING.

    I'm glad it eventually worked out for ya but... I don't think I could have stayed with it long enough to find the gorilla my dreams amongst all the wackos. I'm sure that three strikes (bad dates) and I would have been OUT of the Online Dating Pool.

    Watch for a TAGS-related E coming to a computer or cell phone near you later today.

    Beer: Shock Top 'Belgian White'
    Music: The sounds of silence

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. They say crazy girls are amazing in bed... thank God I never found out. Some guys may be a sucker for that kind of punishment, but I've always known that the cons far outweigh the pros. Especially when herpes, an unwanted child, and a shiv in the spine are just the tip of the iceberg.

      Look out for two BOTB votes coming to a computer near you today.

      Delete
    2. Did you watch/listen to this one when I posted it on my blog? If not... HERE'S TO YOU!

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=L0GVoqsJr_s

      Delete
  21. Bryan:
    Have to hand it to you...it takes a STRONG individual to do the "online" dating gig.
    Then again, marrying a "boss" isn't always the best choice sometimes...nor is becoming a MONK!
    (not with all the channels they have on TV these days...lol)

    Honesty wasn't always the BEST policy, either...least it wasn't when you were in high school - all the girls wanted to be was "your friend".
    Still, picking up a"lush" at a bar isn't a good deal.
    I prefer different venues...like trade shows, gun shows and the like.
    Meet a girl who loves guns and you know she means business.
    (as long as you dont "stray"...she might be a better shot...lol.)

    I honestly do not know HOW well things would fare today, as opposed to those halcyon days of yesteryear.
    (maybe "mail-order"...LOL?)
    But NO Craig's List!!!

    Great post & cartoons.
    Stay safe out there.

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    1. Damn, I didn't even think of gun shows. When I was single, the only thing I knew was the bar. I also knew that "I met your mother when I did a Jello shot out of her cleavage" wasn't really how your typical love story began.

      Then again, I feel like meeting these same crazy girls, but knowing they're packing heat, is only MORE terrifying.

      Delete
  22. I loooove dating stories like this. Now I'm glad I've never dated anyone through an online dating site, though :)

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    1. Hey, I already suffered through all of this crap, so might as well let everyone have a laugh or three at my expense, right? At least my tale ended up 'happily ever after'. A lot of people that jumped into online dating didn't end so well off.

      Delete
  23. Omg, lol! After the first, I think I'd request a shot of scotch on the rocks. Alone. The second one I'd be filling the shoe tanks with jet fuel with only a vapor trail to mark my passing.

    I'm glad I didn't have to go through all that. :-)

    I have a girlfriend using a dating site and cracked me up with the tale of the guy who sent her a picture of his genitals on a plate (seriously) and with side of whipped cream and a choice of chocolate or strawberries to go with it.

    That's not one I'll let her live down anytime soon. I've got to think of a way to put that in a story, lol!

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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    1. Wow. I mean, that guy put some REAL thought and effort into that. All for something so idiotically terrible.

      She should have sent him a picture of a fork and a steak knife and said so what do I eat after this little appetizer?

      Delete
    2. The perfect answer, lol! Damn, I should have thought of that. The best I came up with for her was, I prefer a spoon where should I start. I'm going to have to pass that answer on to her. She'll get a kick out of it and she IS a romance writer.

      Delete
  24. I pretty much gave up dating sometime towards the end of the Bush administration (Bush the 43rd pres)...and one of my last experiences was sort of like you encounter with Elizabeth.

    We'd just put in our dinner orders, and she asks me "Where do you see this going?'

    I felt like a deer in the headlights at that point, but made a joke of it, saying "well after we get our meals, I was going to eat mine, and then maybe ask to see a dessert menu."

    She actually said "You know what I mean."

    And I replied-"We met five minutes ago. How do you seriously expect me to answer that question."

    I had told her I'd be out all the next day watching football, and when I got home in the late afternoon there were something like 20 messages on my cell (I rarely carry it, and had told her that).

    The last one said "since you haven't responded to any of my messages, I guess you're not interested in pursuing this relationship."

    Good call!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Damn, I actually remember that story since your response was so good.

      I've never understood why, in a situation like that, those kinds of women don't appreciate honesty. To them, "I don't know" might as well be "I hate you and I'd never marry you." I'd much rather hear "I don't know, but all I know is that I like you and I want to keep seeing you" over "You're definitely my soul mate, let's go get married by Elvis in Vegas RIGHT NOW. That couldn't possibly be a bad idea."

      (Fun fact: a mutual friend of ours just did that about a week ago after having known each other 3 days. He recently posted pictures of the wedding on Facebook. He wore a Hawaiian t-shirt, she wore an old sundress, everybody was drunk, and I give it 6 months tops)

      Delete
    2. People seem to struggle with the difference between love and infatuation...

      The wedding chapel guys should not file the paperwork on those drunken idiot weddings. Let them have the party, but why set up the need for all that inevitable annulment paperwork.

      Delete
  25. WOW! Bryan, I was blown away when you told me the first story, which seemed mild in comparison to the second one! I must say you handled both situations perfectly! It's pretty scary how you had to joke the news out of Miss Herp. Talk about dodging a bullet or twenty two. Thanks for bringing these fantastic stories to life in beautiful technicolor! I could see your cute and cuddly herpes monsters as delightful Disney characters! I also really appreciate the honorable mention! You guys are the best!

    PS: Loved the profile on okstupid!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Would you believe that Disney STILL won't return my calls? I think this could be the next big adorable Disney franchise, complete with a valuable lesson (don't get the herp, kids!).

      Oh well.

      Glad you enjoyed, and happy to give you a shout out! Blog topics come from the weirdest, most wonderful places... random comments most definitely included.

      Delete
  26. "Funny, I think it just ended." BWAHAHAHAHA

    Really, it might sound pompous, but I can say with authority that all those red flags that pop up on a first date are RIDICULOUSLY IMPORTANT. Why do people ignore them? You don't have to give a person a second chance if you're looking for a mate. A bad fit is a bad fit.

    I've ignored those warnings before, to my peril. I caved and went out with a guy who 1) bought a new car for the date, 2) gave me a bouquet of flowers that was 2 ft. across and 3) took me to an stupidly expensive restaurant and concert (where he sang all the songs in my ear while the artist was on stage). None of that could redeem the fact that he was pushy, obnoxious and oblivious to my efforts to stay out of arm's reach.

    My bad...enduring that date was punishment for ignoring red flags.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've had my own red flags that I didn't ignore until too late.

      "Awww, she's just a loudmouth because she likes brutal honesty!"
      "Awww, she's just jealous because she cares too much!"
      "Awww, she hates my hobbies because she just wants to spend more time with me!"

      All of those went down in flames. However, if I ignored the warning of "Awww, she wants to share her herpes with me because she wants to bond with me permanently" then I would have deserved everything I got.

      So... who the hell buys a car for a first date? Was it even nice, or was he like, "Check out this new Kia. Gets some sick gas mileage, mama. You like that interior? All cloth. And just feel the craftsmanship on this plastic."

      Delete
  27. Online dating seems the same as going to a bar to find a date. Sure, some people are there seriously looking for that special someone to be a life partner, but Gads! the crazies overpopulate the place. I've had a few guys lead early on with the "I'm a great guy, you'll see, but I have this one little problem . ." which turns out to be some STD, mental health issue, living with his parents (at over 45) or are raising their latest offspring (under 3 year old) as a single parent - or raising their grandchildren. I'm a magnet for men who need someone to care for them, and manage their lives. I am quick to tell these leeches that I've been divorced several times so I'm not likely a good wife/mother type.

    I'll stay away from online dating, thanks, but I am happy to see it eventually worked out for you and your wife. Not everyone is blessed with that HEA.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! I was that magnet too. You know how crazy/needy women word that statement? "See, guys just can't handle me because..." Then insert STD, mental health issue, has 12 kids, all of the above, etc. And yes, that's right, I can't 'handle' you, lady. Call me crazy, but I don't want to be my wife's zookeeper, so I'm fine without having to do any 'handling' (unless it's the sexy kind).

      Delete
  28. I met my husband young, so I didn't have to spend too much time dating crazies (thank you God!). But my sons are now dating age. He called me this fall in a panic wanting to know the best way to ditch a chick, because as he put it...she didn't need a date, she needed a therapist. Being the good mom who will likely never make it into the women's lib hall of fame- I told him to take her to a crowded party where he could lose her in the crowd and then run.

    I probably shouldn't admit that...but he's my baby. I'd take a bullet for him.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Psssh, I'd call you women's lib mom of the year for that! She's a grownup, independent woman... she can find her own way home. And hopefully hit up a therapist along the way.

      Delete
  29. I thank Odin every day that I was already married and beaten down before online dating existed. I know these stories are true as I have heard of similar tales from people that don't need to make stuff up. I am so proud of you for having run away and survived to date another day. I'm going to have a beer in your honor tonight! Maybe a couple.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I forgot to mention that way back in the day I had a friend that found out she had the Clap the same day she became Phi Beta Kappa. Awkward.

      Delete
    2. Well, unfortunately White Jesus didn't bestow me that kind of good fortune, but at least he did steer me clear of the herp.

      And cheers to that. I think I'll have a beer or two in my own honor tonight. I'm modest like that.

      Delete
    3. Oh, and that's nothing. These days all it takes is one measly sorority gangbang and suddenly EVERYONE has the Clap.*

      *Not spoken from firsthand experience

      Delete
  30. Geez, I used to meet MUCH worse girls than that without ever spending money on online dating- er, wait, no, I guess they were about the same as Oinky.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I always knew you were 6'4, made a 6 figure income, and were built like Schwarzenegger. I KNEW it.

      Delete
  31. Well herpes is not good at all.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It's not really a great way to meet people, is it? "Alright, so all of the picky things that I just decided I want in a woman - doesn't smoke, likes staying in, works out... now let's throw 'doesn't mind getting herpes' on top of that."

      Delete
  32. I talked to one of the girls who had the "not-fat" face picture and then turned out to be a whale. Luckily I found out before we met in person.

    I'm a nice guy, so I had to think up of some kind of excuse other than "you're really fat".

    Women get upset about men hating on fat women, but when you use a word like "curves" to describe obesity you know it's a lie. Curves is fine, being overweight (and strangely proud of it) is not fine.



    ReplyDelete
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    1. Brandon got snagged with that once. Maybe I can get him to tell the story in part two. Long story short, she had a very skinny face, and only took pictures of that. No body shots. Turns out in person she was huge. And he suffered through the entire date because he too is a nice guy.

      And hey, if a woman's fat then she's fat. That's fine. But please, ladies, don't disguise your pictures by taking them at tricky angles, snare someone into dating you under false pretenses, and then just kinda hope they fall for you anyway. That's never how it works.

      And yes, agreed, fat is not curvy. This is curvy. But this is curvy, too. It's a body shape, not a state of obesity.

      Delete
  33. I tried on-line dating once...pissed my wife off so I gave it up.

    Loved the post this week. My favorite part (call me weird) was the way you drew his sprinting marks. I laughed my ass off picturing that little comic guy bouncing down the road with his crazy legs style. Damn it's the little things I guess!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That's an A-class joke and it made me laugh out loud. Well done, sir.

      And if you've ever seen me flee a scene in cowardice, you know that it's really not that far off from the drawing. Legs are EVERYWHERE, and I would push my own grandmother out of the way just to get out of there.

      Delete
  34. My very first thought on this post is YIKES! But then I guess maybe these women were using online dating services because they had no...brains.

    Never did the online dating thing, but I have met some weirdos online, Ha ha, ha! Although, come to think of it probably more people say that about me than I about them.'

    A friend and I did go into one of the online sites and came up with descriptions to fit some of the profile statements. Yeah, like any guy who has to say he's got a 'six pack' probably means one under each arm. And my all time favorite that is all anybody in the whole world is looking for is someone with A GOOD SENSE OF HUMOR. Are you kidding me?

    Always wanted to fill out one of those profiles just so I could say I'm looking for a grumpy old man with a beer gut, who is balding, and farts a lot. Oh never mind I already married him once. YIKES!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure I am one of those online weirdos... but I wear that like a badge of honor.

      And just like a man who likes to boast that he has a six pack probably doesn't, the 200 lb woman that lists her body type as "athletic" is always anything but.

      Delete
  35. Hahaha I definitely would like more of these dating stories!

    Surprised at bio clock's style- she should have slept with you, claimed she was preggers, and forced you to marry her! Rookie mistake.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NO SHE SHOULD NOT HAVE! I don't want to even know what kind of bum I'd be if I'd gotten stuck with this woman.

      And you assume I'd so easily sleep with her. I'm no hussy, you know. I'm a respectable type of gal.

      Delete
  36. Herpes would have me running like Superman. I've skipped the online dating.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then you've missed a lot. Like herpes. Or unwanted pregnancy. Or shotgun weddings.

      On second thought...

      Delete
  37. OMG. They are out there, that's for sure. And one of yours wanted to breed. Quickly. I've heard other horror stories, too. I think I'm happy I missed all that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I don't even breed on the first date! I mean, at least buy me dinner first, lady!

      Delete
  38. I have a schedule of goals, and online dating isn't on the list. Back some years, I was stalked by an idiot on my main blog. It was s nightmare, which ended when he somehow hacked my blog, placed a virus and I lost 867 posts, then my computer shut down.

    I like joking with people on my blogs but it stops there. I don't know that I'd ever do online dating. I've heard so many bad stories. Right now I won't even share an email address. I'd rather live peacefully than go through that mess again.

    Sometimes I'll do dinner with one of two gentlemen who live nearby, but dating is not on the table.

    Interesting post guys, and a bit scary too. Glad you both met sweetheart mates. I guess it could happen.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I can't imagine what it's like to be a woman on the Internet. A woman can barely post a single personal thing about herself on a blog and have maniacal stalkers like the moron above that somehow managed to hack your blog... or, in technical terms, "fuck your shit up."

      Meanwhile, we constantly post full pictures of ourselves, we post and release books under our full names, and other than a sweet piece of fan mail or a misinformed comment from a troll people otherwise leave us alone.

      I wonder why that is?

      Delete
    2. I know I can't post a photo of me. They come out of the wood-works... like spiders.

      Delete
    3. Well, you posted that picture of you in the bear costume and so far you're safe. At least we think you're safe. You haven't been harassed by any bears, have you?

      Delete
  39. Geez, with this kinda fodder, you could probably write a whole book about online dating from the male point of view.(You DO like to write horror, right?)

    I've heard a lot of wacky stories about online dating. All I can say is I'm glad I got married in the Dark Ages before all that stuff was around. I'm not sure those kinda crazies were around, either.(Or maybe they were just hiding under their rocks.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, those crazies were always around. Now they just have an outlet in which to reach out to us. Also, they've gotten DAMNED good at disguising themselves as "normal people."

      Delete
  40. OK I have been laughing all the way through this. Amazing how many freakazoids are out there. Batshitcrazy girl #1 would have ended up with a dead rabbit in your kitchen. The 2nd nutbar from planet herpezion would have felt like sandpaper sally. I tried online dating...I was asked out by a 7ft tall man named Jesus (did not go). I met a man who looked like Steve Buscemi on a bad day and thought him being naked in a Jacuzzi would turn me on along with his chocolate fountain. I was thinking up ways to go to the bathroom and crawling out the window. Another guy used a much earlier picture of himself and when I met up with him and realized he had no teeth and had known Abraham Lincoln personally, I knew this was not the right guy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That sounds like something you'd hear in prison: "I got asked out by a 7 ft tall man named Jesus (did not go)."

      And there's someone who looks like Steve Buscemi but WORSE? OUCH.

      We'll probably post about it in the future, but one thing we both encountered was when a girl used a tricky angle in her picture to make herself look thin or normal, only to find out in person she's morbidly obese. Kinda like this.

      False advertising

      Delete
  41. Aaahhh.. the joys of online dating..
    The 6'4" guy who shows up and reaches up to my chin.. the athletic type closely resembling sea cow.. the single dad with restraining order from those very children..
    oh how I miss online dating
    Alas, once I have moved, finding someone to share life with is next on my list. Already quivering in anticipation of the inevitable slow-motion train wreck.
    B&B, I would hire you to write my profile and screen first responses! I get to miss out on super-duper-winner-circle, and you two get unending fodder for your new book "troll bridge dating 101" Sooo.. yes? Say yes.. come on, it's a win-win!
    Haha
    :-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's not a bad idea! We're sold! In fact, if you say we're your personal assistants you instantly sound 100% more important. Or pretentious. Let's go with important.

      "I'm sorry, xXxMurdurDaPussy69xXx, but we regret to inform you that the lady will NOT be seeing you. And please, change your username. It's clear from your four chins and sea cow-type body that you will not be 'murdering' any pussy any time soon.'

      Delete
  42. Makes me glad that I gave up on online dating ages ago. Yikes.

    (Sorry for being so absent from the blogging world/reading your excellent posts.)

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey now, it wasn't all bad. It was mostly bad, but it wasn't all bad.

      (Welcome back! I've heard that people tend to have these things called 'real lives' so I guess it's acceptable... this time)

      Delete
  43. Scary women! I'm so glad I never had to resort to online dating!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've seen some equally scary women in bars and in Wal-mart and pretty much anywhere so I don't think it's just the Internet, unfortunately.

      Delete
  44. Scary women! I'm so glad I never had to resort to online dating!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well I crunched the numbers and hiring a prostitute every day for the next 60 years just wasn't in my favor mathematically.

      Delete
  45. Oh my gosh, more online dating stories? YES please. You had me laughing out loud and spewing my coffee. I really should know better by now since this isn't the first (or second) time I have taken a big sip and then had it come flying out of my mouth as I read on... I have had my share of crazy dates too. Some that seem so unbelievable I had an agent say "that stuff is so far fetched- it just doesn't happen" But in my life, I've found that every single stereo type you can imagine truly exists and has, wanted to date me. Ha.

    I would love to hear more of your war stories- buy only because I know that you met your beautiful match and your story has an awesome ending.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Always glad to make a fellow blogger waste some good coffee in the name of comedy!

      I know the feeling. I'm sure I have a few stories that seem like bullshit but fact truly is stranger than fiction... Also Brandon was there so he can corroborate a lot of these stories. Stay tuned for more!

      Delete
  46. I don't think I could ever return to the dating scene, even if my current relationship falls apart. I think I'd just have to become a cat dude.

    But if you think about it, that herpes girl was only trying to cure herpes. After all, if everyone has herpes, than it can no longer be considered a disease.

    You've definitely encountered far more crazier girls than I have. However, I "dated" a girl back in high school who--years after we stopped talking--was arresting for her involvement in a prostitution ring.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Man, I know that feel. Being all cozy and married... If I ever became single I'd just give up and become a cat lady. Flirting and dating and ice breaking is hard. I'm more of a "let's watch dinner Netflix in our underwear" kind of date. Which remarkably does not go over well with strangers.

      Delete
  47. I think the only thing sadder and funnier than those stories is the fact that I'll probably be an exact male version of that first woman when I'm her age. Except I probably won't do anything about it, I'll just curl up into a ball and seek sympathy from all my friends (both online and real life).

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Pro tip: find an attractive friend, and make that cutesy promise to get married if you're still both single by 30. Then sabotage every relationship she'll ever have. Ruin any dating prospect imaginable. Then at 30 present your cute little promise as a legally binding contract, drag her to court, and earn yourself one sweet ass wife.

      How do you think I managed to land mine?

      Delete
    2. Oh is that how it happened? I thought you rescued her from a dragon-guarded castle with your faithful donkey sidekick (Brandon)?

      Delete
    3. It was both, me friend. It was both. Because we ogres have layers.

      Delete
  48. Yes. Online dating. It's so... traumatic. I can't believe how many people think a computer is protecting them. Well, it is from herpes, but not from all the face-to-face nut jobs. I did some online dating myself and learned that what you see and read is definitely not what you get.

    I actually met my husband online in a writing forum. Go figure.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Wow? A writing forum? He's also a writer? I had no idea. That's such a cool story. Did you ever blog about this? I'd love to hear the story.

      Delete
    2. Actually, he's not a writer. He was on there to improve his English, and we happened to have posted on one of the forum topics. One thing lead to another and now I'm improving his English. :D

      Delete
  49. Hell yeah I want to hear more about your dating disasters before you met your perfect woman!!

    Reading about your herpes story reminds me of one of my own. No, I don't have herpes but have a friends that do. Okay, buckle in. This may get confusing (it's early).

    While stationed overseas, a guy my hubby worked with, Steve, let us move into his house because his wife left him. A few months later, we met the reason his wife left. Her name is Jill. She worked in the same building as all of us. Not long after meeting her, Jill came over for dinner to Steve's old house, our new abode. She's crying because Steve gave her the gift that keeps on giving - herpes. He decided not to tell her he had it for years. He actually waited until she got her diagnosis to tell her the truth. His wife gave it to him. By surprise. Great group of folks, right?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Woooow... that is so hilariously fucked up. What is it with people who have herpes just giving it to their partners without telling them first? Because it's a way to make them "stay" with them?

      Like I said, Tara had NO intention of telling me. Not that I was going to hook up with her that night, or that I wasn't going to be careful if she and I did end up dating and eventually we did the deed, but even with condoms you can still get herpes. Basically - if your boyfriend/girlfriend has herpes, they had BETTER be "the one", because you're invariably going to end up getting stuck with it too.

      And my wife? She's fucking awesome, but I don't know how well she would have taken "So, before we do anything, I have to tell you I have herpes." Or... even worse: "So... I think I just gave you herpes."

      That last one? I wouldn't be here today. I would have been shanked in the liver right on the spot.

      Delete
  50. I think online dating is a wonderful creation. It allows you to meet people that you would have never otherwise met. I met my wife here on Blogger. The internet can really play a part in serendipitous meetings

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true, I wasn't going to meet Ms. Right in a bar. Or at work. Online dating was a necessary evil... and it allowed for some pretty funny stories along the way. Funny in that I didn't actually contract herpes. Had I... I probably wouldn't be laughing.

      Delete
  51. I think you should definitely blog about more of them in the future. I had a couple friends that tried online dating, all with not so great results. None of them met their match on a dating site. However, I did have a friend meet and marry a woman he was playing Everquest with. (Yes, way back in the day when that was a thing). I was wary because she was older than him (and was also a nurse who happened to get pregnant the first time they slept together--whoops), but they're still happy and have had another child together. So whatever works. It's not like regular dating can't be a trainwreck, right? As a teen I went on a date with a guy who cornered me in the mall and told me he was a demon who had been distributed to Earth to open the gates of Hell. His name was Jacob. I met him at a church dance my neighbor dragged me to. Blrgh.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, that's not a very good nurse, is she? You'd think she'd know how pregnancy worked...

      And it's true, you can meet crazies pretty much anywhere. Even church. Though... demonic possession. I think that beats herpes. I mean, I think I'd rather have painful genitals warts than be eternally raped by Beelzebub in a lake of fire.

      Delete
  52. I don't get it... What's wrong with swamp trolls? ELIZABETH? Well, it sounds kinda classy. Queen Elizabeth... now that would've made me frown a bit. Just a bit.

    Don't say the B-word. It freaks me out like it freaks you out when you're on a first date. You really ended the date? Well, for what it's worth, I'm proud of you, my friend. It was the decent thing to say. Very ballsy in a good way.

    Bryan "The Herp" Beer doesn't have that special ring to it that you might have been looking for, so again... great decision. Run, Bryan, run. I bet you have sleepless nights.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Sleepless? Psssh. I sleep like a baby every night, knowing I don't have Elizabeth's baby. Or herpes. Or both. I mean, that might have been Elizabeth's second big announcement. I didn't hang around to find out.

      And yes, I really ended the date. I wasn't going to play nice and pretend I was interested when I wasn't. And being a married father on date one... definitely not interested.

      Delete
  53. So I'm coming to this really, really late but just had to share....

    I once dated a person, very briefly, who informed me that he was also seeing someone else. Okay, and?

    And, as it turned out, was that he expected me to date him exclusively AND that the other person he was seeing had herpes. As I danced my way out the door I heard, faintly, from behind me "Christ, and women wonder why men aren't honest with them!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And men wonder why women think they're pigs. "I'm going to bang anything that walks, but you can't even so much as look at another man. Fair? Yeah, that's fair."

      Delete
  54. I only got to the second cartoon and had to stop and comment because I went from "What the... what is that picture?" to "I MUST HAVE IT." I want that picture. Please say it's a real picture.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Now if only I could track down the original instead of settling for a printed copy...

      Delete
  55. A. It IS a real picture and Sweetie hates it but I'm going to print it and hang it on my office wall in a frame.

    B. This had me laughing out loud. "she was a little sore." AWESOME. MORE OF THESE STORIES.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A. People think that I just find stupid pictures for random background laughs but I genuinely would hang that on my office wall if I could. The bigger, the better.

      B. If you print/hang this, I WANT PICTURES.

      Delete
  56. Yikes! I'm sure some of us women could rival this with similar stories from the other side of the table....

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Of this I have absolutely no doubt! Crazy knows no gender.

      Delete
  57. Ahh, yes. Not online dating specifically, but dating in general. I once told a guy with a straight face that I was into bondage, just because I knew his family was conservative and then he wouldn't ever call me again. Today, sadly, he'd probably ask me to go see 50 Shades of Puke.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. A girl once took me to a Pentacostal church as a 'date'. Their services last THREE HOURS. The music alone is an hour and a half. It was like spiritual bondage.

      Delete
  58. As you know, I'm no stranger to online dating horror stories. Thanks for sharing yours - I no longer feel alone.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then you should be happy to know that tomorrow is part two. Cheers to the crazies! They come in all shapes, sizes, and genders.

      Delete