Monday, March 23, 2015

If This Short Bus Is A Rockin' (Adventures in Online Dating Part 2)

Hey all. Today we're continuing our seemingly popular and much asked about Adventures in Online Dating Series (because who doesn't love laughing at other people's failures in dating?). And so, as is the usual, we're going to explore two more oddballs that Bryan met in his dating life...

Except, today Brandon will be making an honorable mention. Because he actually has a hilarious dating story from way back in the day when he met up with a girl he met on MySpace (it feels like that should have been a sign...).

They traded a few messages. She looked stunning in her profile pictures. They agreed to meet up for a date. But when he got there... well, let's just say she was not exactly as advertised.







Yes, this girl, who had sneakily photographed herself with her main chin pushed out (so as to hide the other three) and only from the cleavage above, looked deceptively thin on social media. Except in person she was incredibly overweight. Which is BS for two reasons.

1) False advertising. I mean, come on, man. It's not like Brandon listed himself as 6'4 and built like a beefy, bronze god, only to show up with his just under 6 foot tall, thin ass.

2) We've got nothing against a lady with some meat on her bones. Curvy is sexy. This girl was not curvy. She was not slightly overweight. She was "one-step-away-from-having-to-drive-a-mobility-scooter" morbidly obese.

Which really makes the deception all the more impressive. But still, that seems like something you should let someone know before you meet them. Needless to say, the date was a complete and utter trainwreck, but Brandon, ever the gentleman, awkwardly finished the date for the sake of being nice. He did not talk to her again after that.

Now... that wasn't the only case of false advertising in the online dating world, and his cohort here wasn't quite the gentleman. You see, I (Bryan) experienced this as well, in my date with a girl we'll call Edna. Now, Edna also looked nice in her profile pictures. But there was something slightly... off about her. Something I couldn't quite put my finger on. I mean, she seemed normal enough. Looked normal enough.


But as we hit it off and got closer to meeting, she started acting like she had something to share, and yet she didn't quite want to spill the beans.







That should have been a red flag. But I figured what the hell, maybe she's just clumsy and self conscious. I could look past that. So we agreed to see a movie. It's a no pressure date, and we didn't really have to talk. We just had to sit there...

Little did I know that's all she would be doing - a whole lot of sitting - because her body wasn't capable of much more than that. I wasn't prepared for what walked through the door. Or should I say... hobbled through the door like a zombie after pressing the handicapped auto-open button.








Edna was more like Special Edna, and had failed to tell me that she was developmentally handicapped. So much so that one of her arms was stuck in permanent 'raptor arm' mode, and her legs tried to go in completely different directions whenever she walked.

But she was still highly functional. Think Forrest Gump. Or Walter White Jr. Which was why we hit it off online. But here's the thing. I've never wanted to fuck Forrest Gump. Or Walter White Jr.

And as with Brandon's date, I feel like this was something that should have been mentioned to me before I spent an hour looking like someone's caregiver. She needed help with everything. But above all, it was terrible because she really, really liked me. During the movie, she kept staring at me and licking her lips. And giving me "the eyes of love."


Or I guess maybe just "the eye" of love. I don't know what the hell that other one was looking at. And she kept kissing me on the cheek an uncomfortable amount of times.*

*that amount of times being anything greater than zero


After about 30 minutes of this, I couldn't take it any more, so I said I had to go to the bathroom... and I got up, and I ran, and I never looked back. Some say that to this very day she's still sitting in that theater, waiting for more 'kissy'. Regardless, I'm just satisfied in knowing that if I ever see her again I can at least outrun her.

And in the end, while many like to slam their exes and say that they used to date someone who's mentally handicapped, I can say that I truly, actually did... and it was fucking awful. I've got nothing but love for those who are developmentally handicapped, but that love does not extend to dating and marriage.

Stay tuned for the next installment (whenever the hell that may be), in which we tell you about the girl who crafted a 2 page-long "demands" list and the girl that wanted to be choked unconscious with a belt!

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Warren Zevon
Beer: Lagunitas Sucks



126 comments:

  1. Just the thought of screwing Forrest Gump makes my skin crawl...
    How on earth did she get to the date if she was that handicapped?

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    1. Her mother drove her. The same mother that was probably hoping *I* would take care of her from now on instead of her. I shudder to think of it, too, my friend.

      Delete
  2. I disagree, MORE handicap puns! I didn't want to laugh, I felt bad about it, but dammit, the sunglasses killed me. But come on, you ditched her in the theater? That kind of admission is going to get at least one disability rights organization to protest. (Which, how would they protest, by finding wherever the servers are housed?) The only right thing to do would have been, at a minimum, teaching her how to kiss and throwing her a digit or two. (Now I feel as though I have to go make atonement. What have you done this early on a Monday!?!)

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    1. Yeah, I'm kinda curious to see if this gets any angry comments. And there was no way I was going to teach her how to kiss. It was already liked getting maimed by an octopus on my cheek. I don't want to know how my lips would have felt.

      Yep, that will only add to the hate mail.

      Delete
  3. But then if they actually brought all those "red flags" up in their bio, their chances of actually hooking up with people would drop even further? Not defending it, but it's a solution to a problem.
    Maybe I should put "I run a blog with a million readers" and omit the part where I explain that's been non-unique pageviews over the past four years. It's not really false advertisement, rather lying by omission.

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    1. Is it really a solution? I don't know how many people are going to show up to the date and say, "Ah, so you're 300 lbs, severely handicapped, and have a mustache. This was not shown in your profile. But you know what? We had a few good chats online so I'm going to stick with it because I believe that we should only date people based on their character."

      HAHAHAHA (hold on, I'm still holding my sides from laughing)!

      You nailed it, good sir, because it's all about omission. "See, I didn't tell you I was fat and handicapped, but I didn't NOT tell you I was fat and handicapped, either! That means you need to see this date all the way through to sex, per the contract."

      Delete
  4. Would either of those dates qualify for the use of a Hoveround? Those things could be a blast! Imagine strappin' those bitches in and goin' for a spin up and down the aisles of the local Walmarts? Damn, a good time could have been had by all.

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    1. I think they both would absolutely qualify, and that is damn hilarious, Deb. Bravo.

      And you know what, if Edna had one of those suckers, I might have stuck with her. Then I would have Tim Allen'd the shit out of that thing and turned it into a 200 horsepower hotrod toilet on wheels. A man has to look after his woman, after all.

      Delete
  5. lmao uggg shivered and threw up in my mouth a bit at the thought of screwing forest gump. Brandon is far too nice. As soon as I saw a walrus I'd be gone, far gone. At least the toddler assault was of legal age...I hope.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. But you're still a go for Walter White Jr.?

      Edna was of legal age... just not mentally. Which is why it felt extra wrong. Also, we bonded over liking the Harry Potter books. Which, again, seems so wrong in retrospect after realizing that she wasn't entirely, uh, mentally developed. What? It's just a good story, dammit. It's for all ages. :(

      Delete
    2. lol you can go with the "for all ages" I'll nod and agree.

      Walter White Jr. is a no go too. I figured my forest gump comment would cover him. I guess in retrospect I should have stated it and realized you don't always see the signs. (you stepped into that one lol)

      Delete
    3. Damn, good one. And you know, after going on a date with Edna and failing to see the signs, I've often wondered if I'M mentally deficient.

      Delete
    4. Nobody who appreciates Bullwinkle can really be retarded. That's a sign of a well developed sense o' humor.

      On the other hand... wait a minute while I go take a good look at myself in a mirror. Al B. Bach...

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
    5. "Bullwinkle is for intelligent people," he says. "There's a lot of good humor that most kids won't see."

      What if there really isn't? What if you are just retarded...?

      Delete
  6. I think I'd date a handicapped girl if she made puns like that. Ain't no one got nothing on her. You haven't seen true false advertising until you've seen Pear-Chan. I promise that while this is shocking, it's not a shock site. http://static.fjcdn.com/pictures/Face_fc5306_555013.jpg. Bodies are fucking weird yo.

    I get where you're coming from with the false advertising thing. The worst thing to happen to men in the online dating world was the "Fat Girl Angle Shot", where a girl takes a picture from above looking down so you can't see anything. Then there was cropping. I'm a big dude; I've got nothing against fat chicks. I'd just appreciate some honesty. Same with the disabled girl. I get why she didn't say anything but she should have said something when you set up a date. I can't blame you for what you did. Dating a disabled person is a lot of work and effort. Not everyone can do that, and the ones that can can only do it to someone they really care about. You probably aren't going to reach that level of care easily.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ha! You know, when I was looking up pictures for inspiration on the "fat girl angle shot" I saw that girl a lot. I had no idea she was called Pear-Chan. And yes, that's exactly what Brandon's date did. And sadly, I know it's not all that uncommon. This was years and years ago though (I mean, again, Myspace) so she was kind of a pioneer of that angle trick.

      Thanks, though, for that picture. I'm gonna go burn all of my Christmas pajamas now, because their mental image has been forever tainted.

      And seriously, man, I can barely take care of myself on most days. I can't take care of another grown human's every needs. This is why I don't have kids.

      Delete
  7. I once dating a guy who had strabismus (where the eyes don't look in the same direction. I never could tell if he was looking at me or not. It got too creepy and I had to break up with him. I hate to say it, but I would have left her in the theater too. I always thought it was gross that Jenny had sex with Forest.

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    1. I wonder if that movie inspired her journey into online dating? "Well, if severely handicapped Tom Hanks can get laid by smoking hot Robin Wright, then..."

      Edna's strabismus was mild in comparison to the cartoons (exaggerated for hilarious effect) but it was still weird. And I'd catch myself having thoughts like, "I wonder what that eye's thinking right now. 'Ooh, nice ceiling'!" in the middle of her talking.

      Which was a great way of knowing it wasn't going to work out AND firmly cementing my place in hell.

      Delete
    2. If that's what it takes, I guess I'll be right there with you.

      Delete
  8. I think it's probably best to lay those sorts of things out on the table ahead of time (and no, I'm not talking about Myspace girl).

    I mean, back when you were dating, you were required by law to give women a heads-up about being a writer, right?

    If not, that would have just been cruel, for them to find that out AFTER you'd met in person...

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    1. Fun fact: putting "I'm a writer" in my profile only made women assume I was rich and sophisticated, because apparently people don't understand jack shit about writers. How's that for inadvertent false advertising?

      Delete
  9. This was like a "really special" episode of Facts of Life. Which was ANY episode with Blair's cousin, Gerry.

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    1. And who wouldn't want to fuck the shit out of sexy cousin Gerry?

      Delete
  10. OMG, too funny you guys! Jenny Pearson also write about online dating today so I'm putting up an oldie but a good on my blog with a shout out to you and her. After these horror stories, you two should be glad you have these wonderful women who put up with you! LOL. Me too for that matter! Great post.

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    1. Thanks for the shout out! And it's true, posts like this make us damn thankful for the ladies who can sometimes be pain in the asses but are not, nor will ever be as bad as any of our horror stories.

      Delete
  11. As with everything else in the world, honesty is the best policy with online dating.

    Plus, how can someone hope to find love if they cannot even love themselves enough to put the truth on their profile?

    I believe there is someone for everyone, even Curvy girl and Edna.

    However, soon enough we will have drones that we can fly over and vet our online dates before we even meet them!

    Oh the miracles of modern technology!
    ;-)

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    1. I wish I would have had that sweet drone technology back then! That would have saved a huge hassle... and yes, honesty is key. There's definitely someone for mobility scooter girl (I refuse to call her curvy - she's not) and Edna. Hell, just a few months back Brandon actually saw mobility girl with her husband. But lying about it and just hoping someone will be forced to love you is not the right way to go about things!

      Delete
  12. B&B:
    I feel for you guys an those (mis) adventures in datingland.

    That was one heckuva situation with the movie theater, too.
    And while I have similar views with those who find themselves (through no fault of their own) disabled, and would readily work WITH them in a more controlled environment, I spend my time taking care of ME (and getting older makes that chore a necessity...lol)

    I think those who purposely misrepresent themselves online might have some issues (okay, a lot), but perhaps the pain of rejection has indeed taken it's toll in the REAL world for them.

    All I can say is if something (or someone) seems too good to be true...it (and they) probably are.
    Question everything these days.

    Very good and humorous post.

    Stay safe out there, guys!

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    1. Man, the sad part is Edna wasn't even mindblowing (aka too good to be true). She just seemed like a nice, fairly average girl who was down to earth and looking for a relationship. And she was... that relationship being "caregiver."

      Delete
  13. Where are the angry comments and the self-righteous indignation? Did I log onto the wrong internet this morning?

    Anyway, sure it comes off a bit mean, but if anyone complains I'd say just toss them ywhe link to these profiles and say, "feel free to be a nicer person than me then."

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    1. I'm just as surprised as you are, fellow Brian with a Y.

      Hey, potential angry person, f you want to date a morbidly obese/mentally handicapped person then go right ahead. Be "the better person". Oh, you don't want to either? Yeah, that's what I thought. I'm just saying what everyone's thinking.

      Delete
  14. My favorite line was when you mentioned an "uncomfortable amount of times..was anything greater than zero!" I hope you at least gave Edna the rest of the popcorn. I want to learn that trick where you could hold your chins in!

    Julie

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    1. Take the picture from a very high angle, and tilt your forehead forward/pull your jaw back so that your chins are essentially tucked back behind your cheeks. Like this.

      Deceptive profile picture

      Really, it's an art form. A terrible, terrible art form full of lies.

      Delete
    2. Thanks for the lesson in deceptive advertising, Bryan! I hope I never have to try it. Lovely before and after pics!

      Julie

      Delete
  15. 6-B ~
    I have a few "bad date" stories but NUTTIN' like you and Brandon have. But then again, my dating was taking place pre-online ANYTHING, so I've only got "normal" bad date stories. (And not many of them, either.)

    Somehow Warren Zevon seems like the ideal music to listen to while composing a blog bit like this one. I mean, there was just very little that was normal 'bout Warren.

    I gotta say that being able to get 'Ranger' beer in a movie theatre... how PROGRESSIVE of Colorado! I guess it doesn't stop with just the weed anymore, eh?

    Notice how "nice" and politically correct THIS comment was? See? I ain't ALWAYS off-the-leash.

    ~ D-FensDogG
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. That was so politically correct it hurt my brain. I think that I have gone specially-abled because of it.

      Also, a movie isn't really a movie unless you sneak in alcohol. How else am I supposed to put up with the shit they show these days?

      Delete
    2. The thing is, I have only ONE speed and TWO directions: 100% and PC or Un-PC. So I gotta decide in which direction to shoot my... uh... energy.

      I did Un-PC last time, so figured I'd try to "balance my books" this time.

      Fortunately most of the things I've written about have been political in nature, and 100% Un-PC is perfect for that.

      ~ D-FensDogG

      Delete
  16. First, as always... hilarious, with elements of disturbing.

    I've often wondered why really heavy people post pics of themselves on social media that were a) taken 20 years ago when they were thin (which looks ridiculous for a 40 something featuring a pic of their 20 something self), or b) a current pic that is a headshot with all of their fat somehow made to appear non-existent. There is a girl who used to go to our church, and now just shows up for Wednesday night dinners, who is only 21 (I think) and oh so heavy. OMG heavy. Which is really sad IMO for someone her age. But on FB she looks thin and I know the pic is current. I just can't figure out she sucked it all in (on her face) or achieved that angle. I know that it's natural to want to put your best face forward, but if that ever leads to dating... well, I suspect the date won't go well. People really don't like being deceived.

    Which brings me to your dating story. When you really like someone (or think you might like them) it's really important to get the obvious stuff out there (even if it means that the "relationship" won't happen). So, if "Edna" had told you the truth, well you might not have wanted to go on the date. And that would have been painful. But would it have been more painful to not go then to be left on your deceiving behind alone in a movie theatre. I think not. Some might want to give her the pass for not knowing she was being deceptive, but it sounds like she was functional enough to know exactly what she was doing. She just lived in the land of denial... it would all work out fine. Well, that didn't end up being true.

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    1. Yeah, I'm glad we haven't (as of yet) gotten any angry comments on that. Especially because Edna is no angel. She was acting very weird before the date and tried to spill that whole 'sometimes my legs don't work' thing. She knew exactly what she was doing.

      Also... I think the secret (as I posted above to Julie) to those deceptive heavy-girl-looking-thin pictures is to take it from a very high angle, forehead forward, chin pushed out so that your other chins are essentially 'hidden' behind your face.

      Sneaky, and ingenious... but really not the way to land the guy of your dreams.

      False advertising

      Delete
  17. Oh, I recognize that painting. Have you and my mom's scammer been hanging out since last week? I'm now more than a little disturbed by that....

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    1. I had painting before, but lost in fire. Was very sad. Son is also badly hurt and are die in hospital. If you send $2,000, I fix everything. Be very happy my princess world rocketship happy girl.

      Delete
  18. Reminds me of the time this girl peed on the floor during the middle of youth group.
    But that's another story.

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    1. Okay, I know you always say this kind of thing, but we really need to hear this story. And most importantly, how did our post remind you of that?

      Delete
  19. Unfortunately, many girls get taken in by the romantic misconception that, if a guy really likes them for their personality, he will overlook physical shortcomings. Doesn't work that way in real life, girls. The fairy tale of "Beauty and the Beast" only operates in one direction -- to teach girls to love men "for their true selves" despite their appearance.

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    1. Ewww, gross, no girl should have to do that. That's awful. Hey, we all have our own preferences. When I was in the dating world and I got turned down because the girl preferred blonde guys or guys that were over 6 feet I said whatever, no skin off my back. But I think that gives me a pass when I say "I don't want to date a girl that weighs the two of us guys put together" or "I don't want to date someone whose ass I might have to wipe on the second date."

      Delete
  20. Hi Bryan & Brandon.
    I agree, there's an abundance of deception online. Until lately, I haven't even thought to post a photo of me. I don't know that I'd want to draw any interest or disinterest. People are affected by a person's looks, as you say. I'll have to think about now. I love hearing and making jokes, but wouldn't want to the center of one, (nor am I looking for a 'hook up thing'). Not that I can't laugh at myself... that's something different to me. I am a bit ditzy at times (say it's not so.)

    Hate to use a cliche, but this is a though-provoking post!! Glad you guys escaped the clutches of Gump, White, and the two chicks... but what a story they all make together. Yay guys!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think it'd be cool to see a picture of you, but we always like to see the face behind the blogger. We really don't care what you look like, ultimately. That doesn't affect our blogging friendship in any way. It's just a nice touch.

      With that said, I know that might not always be the norm. Some guys take to unnecessary flirting or unnecessary harassment. My advice? A happy medium. More bear costume!

      ...Wait, that might attract furries. Never mind.

      Delete
  21. Okay, so am I the only one who is just completely appalled by this girl's mother? I mean, her child does not have the mental maturity to be dating, much less online dating! So many sickos could use her disability against her and completely take advantage of that poor girl! I know, most normal functioning humans would think "Why would anyone be inclined to do that?" But seriously, there are some real sick whackadoodles out there. How could this mother just throw her daughter into the paths of those types of people? Just go right ahead and call me indignant! Because I am!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I was more appalled for my own sake (and completely in shock), so this didn't even cross my mind... but you're right. Was I the only guy she met up with on this dating site? Were there more? Did she keep using the dating site afterwards? That's a scary thought... for her sake.

      Again, this was a decent looking girl. And handicaps aside, I'm sure there would be some sicko who would love to take advantage of her.

      Yep, I'm sick of this planet. Time to start my own colony on Mars. People suck. :(

      Delete
    2. Agreed. When you get that Martian colony going, let me know. I'm totally there!

      Delete
  22. I don't understand what people get out of false advertising themselves. "Shit. She actually looks like Daffy Duck. Oh, well. I already bought the movie tickets, so we might as well get married at this point."

    If I were to join a dating site, I'd post the most unsightly photograph of myself just to be sure that I wasn't letting my date down.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. My main profile picture was of me in a beat up t-shirt, on my couch, making a face as I got licked to death by my dog. I figured if a girl still thinks that's hot then she's a keeper... The wife did, and we're still pretty damn happy with each other.

      Delete
  23. I must be mentally handicapped myself because I should not enjoy your tales of bad online dating this freagging much! I swear I am a nice person but then I come here and read this and I find your misfortune so completely hilarious. I seriously can't wait to hear more...

    And holy crap, for the record, I can't take a decent picture to save my damn life. Those My Space chicks gotta hook a bitch up. How did they pull that off?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Here at ABftS we're all about the schadenfreude! It's fun to laugh about this old stuff, and it's amazing how many ridiculous things we're only remembering now from our past.

      As for the selfie, the secret is to take it from a high up angle. Tilt your forehead forward, pull your chin back and push it out just enough to force excess chins behind your face. Tada - instant skinny!

      False advertising

      Delete
  24. Eww, those drooly kisses on the cheek. Yuck! Betcha took a really long hot shower after that date. And so many women, I hear, are truly obese but pose as normal in on-line dating ads. Men do it too, but not nearly to the same extent. As if you'll fall in love with their lying selves at first sight!? Then there's the dilemma (which they blatantly manipulate) of not wanting to be a total jerk for discriminating based on looks. But morbidly obese is morbidly obese and mental retardation/cerebral palsy (or whatever) is what it is. A lie's a lie no matter which way you spin it in attempts to get laid or married.

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    1. Yes, and those are things I just won't change my mind on. Can't date that. Can't marry that. Physical fitness is important to me, and I like having a wife I can take walks with. And hikes with. Plus, it's totally cool that I don't have to wipe her ass.*

      *Yet - said by Brandon

      Also, dear PC world: looks do matter. My wife is hot as hell, and I wouldn't have it any other way. And even though her personality is equally as amazing, I certainly would not have even given her the time of day if she was 300 lbs, balding, and had a mustache. If I have to wake up next to it every single day for the next 50-60 years, I'd better damn well like what I see.

      Delete
    2. Applause! Well stated. I once kept having a really overweight guy "wink" at me on-line. Finally, he messaged me, "What about me? I'm a nice guy." I messaged back, "I'm sure you are but you're twice my size." Never heard from him again. I'd imagined being suffocated to death during sex, and it was not appealing. If it made me insensitive or non-PC, so be it. I'm happy to now have someone hot and fit, and I'm happy you and your wife do too.

      *Who knows when we might end up wiping our beloved's asses - all the more reason to enjoy their appeal now. Imagine waking up to an ugly sight for decades and then having to wipe the ugly sight's ass. Sheesh! Oy vey, I'll stop now. Thanks for the laughs.

      Delete
    3. Just imagine all the lack of butt snackin'. I mean, the last thing you want is an unexpected actual 'snack' in the middle of it.

      Delete
    4. Haha, you've eroded this thread a new level of grotesque. Well done, sir!

      Delete
  25. It is not like meeting Forrest Gump....but meeting Foresta Gump:) That first Wal-Mart specimen sounds like my former client-the ogre under the bridge but the other one too-those kisses were probably less sloppy than Willie the killer Orca gives. Yikes!! What kills me is that they think false advertising would work. You know it is bad when she has to place her stomach fat on the table

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    1. Poor Foresta Gump (great name!), never did break out of those leg braces and sprint to victory. Instead, she hobbled into a movie theater looking for her own personal Jenny and got to watch me "run Bryan ruuun!"

      Delete
  26. Lt. Dan, i got you some ice cream!

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    1. I sure could have used some Bubba Gump shrimp after a miserable date like that.

      Delete
    2. they actually make that. There's a restaurant in Charleston that has it.

      Delete
    3. It's a chain. They have a Bubba Gump Shrimp in Denver, too. Forrest Gump is playing 24/7 on every TV, and to call over your server you flip over the sign that says 'STOP FORREST STOP' so that it says 'RUN FORREST RUN'. And 20 years after Forrest Gump was even relevant it's still thriving, proving that either it has good food or people just love really cheesy themed restaurants.

      Delete
  27. Agree on both counts. False advertising is false advertising and not cool. I never did that when online dating - why take photos of yourself with 1000 filters and whatnot when you'll have to face the person eventually and watch them be disappointed with you?! Um, no thank you. I'd much rather under promise and over deliver.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. See? That was my angle. I'd rather be greeted by a smile of pleasant surprise than that eyebrow raising grimace that says, "Ugh, YOU?"

      Delete
  28. Oh my goodness...I thought I was the only one who thought to ditch a date at a theater. Here I thought I was clever.

    My sister is a plus size gal and when she signed up for online dating, she went full body shot just because she didn't see the point in bait and switch.

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    1. And God bless your sister because of it. There's no shortage of men that like-a da plus sized gals. Just don't lie about it.

      Delete
  29. I don't understand not being honest before the date. They are going to see you in person and know you were trying to be sneaky.

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    1. "Awww, I caught you! You're not really thin! Or a woman! Oh well, guess I've got to marry you anyway."

      *GAY MARRIED*

      Delete
  30. Thank God when I was dating, social media hadn't even been thought of. You met someone, clicked or didn't. I know people who have had successful relationships from internet dating but it's always seemed iffy to me. Who knows what you are going to get. I don't even want to screw Tom Hanks, let alone Forrest Gump

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    1. That makes two of us! (He seems like a nice guy, though, Tom Hanks)

      I had luck in meeting my wife online, but ugh, it took some bad experiences to get there. It seems harder meeting people these days. Or maybe I'm just a social idiot. Either way, at least I found my happily ever after somehow.

      Delete
  31. For a minute, I thought she was physically disabled and I was like, "Don't be a dick because she's in a wheelchair!" But somebody who can't mentally function as well as you? Not a good relationship when it comes to anything besides friends. They're some of the sweetest people in the world but they're too easily taken advantage of. Nice to know you're not the dick I thought you were, for all of ten seconds!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, it's okay, there are people who thought I was a dick for a lifetime. :)

      I can deal with a wheelchair. But I can't deal with someone who doesn't quite understand my wit. Banter is my life! And so are cracking clever jokes. I tried joking around with her to break the awkwardness and she just did NOT get it... further adding to the awkwardness.

      A man cannot survive on knock knock jokes alone.

      Delete
  32. Well, I've only ever had a few blind dates (I didn't ask for) and 'fix-ups' by friends whose friend had a friend and so on, who was 'really nice'. I've been blackmailed by best friend's brother who agreed to let one guy into the group (a friend of mine) if I'd go out with the one guy who was blackballing the new guy.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. On second thoughts, I did ditch a couple of these 'matchup' guys one at the beach and one at a dance. After all the favor didn't say how long I had to endure their company, did it?

      Delete
    2. That would be even more horrible if it did.

      "And so, kids, that's how I met your father. I was just kinda stuck with him. And 20 years later, well, we manage to deal with it. Drinking helps."

      Delete
  33. Okay… pleeeeease tell me the story behind the turkey painting… seriously… I'm dying…

    And the asterisk…

    And the drawings…

    And…

    And…

    Everything. You guys. I'm dying. My new goal in life is to come to one of your signings just so I can creepily watch you guys from a distance and observe the humor that would no doubt unfold. That and stalk your pretty purple-haired wife that I want to be best friends with. :)

    I'm pretty lucky that I married my HS sweetheart… I never did the dating scene… sort of skipped all that. And I'm thinking now that might be a good thing…

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. 1) I'm a man who appreciates fine art.

      2) Imagine being attacked by a catfish. Now imagine that catfish is trying to get it on with you. I could have gone my entire life without experiencing that.

      3) You can witness that same humor by hanging out with us, but you know, if you want to creepily watch from a distance that's fun too. We'll get you a bush costume so you can discreetly walk around, blending in with all of your surroundings. And by that I mean everyone staring at you wondering why there's walking foliage in the city of Denver.

      Delete
    2. Haaaaaaaa!!!! Not many things are tweet worthy, but that foliage costume was BEYOND tweet worthy… #NewGoalInLife #ABeerForAShower4Ever

      And ewwwwww with the catfish thought… double ewwww…

      Delete
  34. I don't understand not being honest in your profile. You'll have to meet them someday! I guess they hope the relationship will be so established by the time you meet in person that it won't matter? They've overlooked the whole dishonesty not being a great way to start a relationship.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, right? I mean, we only traded a few generic message about mutual interests and hobbies. It's not exactly like I was already planning out my wedding at that point.*

      *There are crazy people that do that... but that's another story for another post.

      Delete
  35. Yeah... and THAT's why I don't online date.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, it could have been worse. I mean, neither of us ever got murdered. Win?

      Delete
  36. Maybe she secretly thought Brandon was a chubby chaser?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Apparently those deceptive profile pic women all think that.

      Delete
  37. Oh, holy shit. Holy shit, I did not want to laugh, I didn't. I even found myself covering my mouth, all ashamed about it, even though nobody else was in the room. Thanks a lot, assholes, now I have to go to Confession. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's okay, because Edna should have gone to confession for that one too. On the scale of fuck-up-ed-ness, I think the big man upstairs would rate 'lying' over 'laughing at the handicapped' (which is not, as far as I know, a sin).

      Delete
  38. This was all so inappropriate and unpolitically correct. I'll be back for the next one.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Wrote By Rote

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're glad to hear you'll be joining us on the (short) bus to hell.

      Delete
  39. Eeeek! This is so creepy. This is stuff nightmares are made of :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I still wake up sometimes having dreamt that I changed Edna's poopy diapers.

      Delete
  40. I thought I commented on the last one, but methinks it got eaten by blogger...

    I have just barely dabbled in online dating, and it has never ended well. The final straw was the guy who insisted we go for dinner at an Italian restaurant (after I told him that I really cannot eat Italian food because ALL OF IT makes me sick), and then in the middle of said dinner, he proceeded to tell me that he expected me to provide him with 3 sons, and told me exactly how he was planning to raise them (naturally all of his methods were kind of the opposite of mine). He then got a major attitude when I said that no thanks I absolutely did not want to go back to his place after dinner. At all. Ever.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But when else were you going to start on son number one? No time like the present!

      Delete
  41. OMG, there are no words. Well, yes, there are: inappropriate, risky, awkward, improper...
    But you knew that, didn't you?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I sure did. And there's a huge sense of satisfaction in knowing that neither of us got trapped by either terrible date... political correctness be damned! :)

      Delete
  42. I guess I just don't see the problem. So what if she smells a little like pee. I'm sure once the diaper comes off it will be just like normal.

    The helmet comes in handy for the rough days too.

    Hey what's the hardest part about eating a vegetable?
    Getting her back in the wheelchair. Bada.. Dum!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ba dum tish!

      You know, I almost lost my virginity to Edna. I wanted my first time to be special.

      I'm here all night!

      Delete
  43. Next time someone suggests I try online dating (which happens a lot) I'm going to direct them to this article.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I still say it's worth it because I met my wife there, but, you know, there were still some rejects.

      Okay, a lot of rejects.

      FINE. An army of rejects.

      Looking back, I don't even know why I still had a dating profile after meeting some of these people... glutton for punishment?

      Delete
    2. Well, I guess the African slaves do have to sift through a lot of dirt and rock and shift in their helmet quite a few times before they find the diamond...

      Delete
  44. WOW! This is bad. I remember joining those free online dating places, like plenty of fish. Just by the things they typed, I knew they were full of crap and vinegar.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Knowing what I know now, I wonder if I went back and read these profiles all over again if I'd see any red flags, or if they really were that good at hiding their, um, flaws?

      I tried Plenty of Fish, and that's where I met the girl who wanted me to choke her unconscious with a belt. After that, I instantly deleted that profile and NEVER went back.

      Delete
  45. As someone who is disabled, with multiple movement disorders, I just have to say...

    Yeah, if you expect me to flame you, keep waitin'. Thankfully, I don't have to do the whole dating schtick, online or otherwise, but there's no way in this (or any) backwater Hades, that I wouldn't practice full disclosure before meeting someone. C'mon, like they're not going to notice?!? How many people do YOU know who can win a break dancing competition by standing in one place?

    Informed consent is a pretty big deal, and it works both ways, so no... trying to cover up what stands out like a sore thumb is just stupid. On the other hand - I laughed all the way through this; does that make me bad? ;-)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, that doesn't make you bad! For my sanity, it can't, because if that makes you bad, I don't even want to know what that makes me...

      The great thing about dating is there's truly someone for everyone. Five years later, and Edna might have found her perfect match. But it wasn't going to be me, no matter how much she twisted the truth to make herself seem more appealing to me. That's just not how this whole love thing works.

      Delete
  46. How inappropriately hilarious.

    The picture with the tongue out. SLAYED ME!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm glad to hear we're not the only ones laughing at this politically correct nightmare! And if you think that was bad, you should have seen it hovering only inches away from your face.

      Delete
  47. That's one of the things that really bothered me about meeting friends from online. I wasn't 'hooking up' just meeting some friends I met online so you would have thought they would be a little more honest but nooooo. I met this one guy that looked nothing like his fb profile picture. It must have been 20 years old...And I met this couple who I had been fb friends with for 8 years...I found out that they were both cocaine addicts and had no problem pulling out their little vial and snorting some where ever they were. I got the hell out of there fast. Good grief, at least give someone a heads up if you could be on the next episode of cops.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, and this is why I have trust issues. Now even with friends. I had no idea people that don't want to get into your pants did this.

      We've always said before we want to meet someone who's a fellow blogger, and we still do... but now because of your story I'm not going to be terribly surprised if we think we're meeting a nice looking 30-40 year old woman and instead meet up with a fat, bald child molester.

      THANKS, INTERNET.

      Delete
  48. I think the "perfect angle to hide the fat" pics are shockingly common. That's the basis of Facebook and Instagram, after all. I am a little shocked by Edna. That's a whole other can of worms. Glad you ran away!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Keep in mind this was around 10 years ago, so that was before 'hiding the fat' pics were the norm. If anything, she was a pioneer of her craft... or something like that.

      Delete
  49. Just out of curiosity....exactly how did that poor handicapped girl get home after you selfishly and cruelly abandoned her in that movie theater?

    You should be ashamed of yourself!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Her mom dropped her off, so I'm sure her mom picked her up, too. If I had actually gone to pick her up I wouldn't have let her get into the car; I would have peeled out on the spot. Again, no way she could have caught me.

      And yep, I sleep at night juuuuust fine.

      Delete
  50. I'm late to the party because I was fishing… for my phone. Do you think that would make a great story to tell my blind date. Unlike you I'm all about the handicap. If he's blind I can save myself the trouble of make up and clean clothing - feeling a little lazy these days, after fishing… for my phone.

    Also, think of the parking… right in front of the door… now that's worth something, right?

    Okay, seriously… where do you guy find these quality gals? What ponds are you fishing in… like, in a toilet bowl pond perhaps.? You do know you can find phones in toilets, which beats those poopy girls you had to endure.

    Did you get money back from the dating site - there should be some sort of money back disclaimer for this kind of mental abuse. You're probably scarred for life… might affect bodily parts… just saying, it could you know. It could.

    Well… until the next instalment… I remain the girl with the toilet phone. Beats being the girl with the toilet tattoo. There's always an up side. Always. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You laugh about the girl with the toilet tattoo, but it exists. It definitely exists.

      Coincidentally, The Girl With The Toilet Tattoo is the title of our upcoming high-stakes mystery thriller...

      Oh, and I didn't pay anything for those dating sites. They were the free ones. So no refund, but I guess I got what I paid for?

      Delete
    2. Jesus Murphy - who the hell would have a toilet tattooed on themselves. Well, obviously one of those gals you dated - I could see it, but really. That's just plain bad.

      Your mystery thriller is bound to sell millions with that title. Seriously… I'm already flushed just thinking about it! LMAO with this.

      It's true, you get what you pay for… pay nothing, you do the math.
      Even ten bucks would probably move you up the food chain, you know, something that can feed itself perhaps.

      Delete
  51. Now that was special, alright. She wanted more kissy? Run, Bryan! Run!

    Dear Lord.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I could easily turn those stories into a script. You'd be loaded in no time. Yes?

      Delete
    2. I love it! Forrest Gump: The Reboot. Except this time Forrest is normal and he's trying to run from the mentally retarded girl.

      Delete
  52. This comment has been removed by the author.

    ReplyDelete
  53. I guess I have to reboot my message it came out funky. I'll keep it short this time and just say you guys should be glad those days are behind you. I hope you had a nice weekend.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, thanks for the rebooted message! Did you see we rebooted our site? It's all ready for Monday... so yes, it has been a good weekend! Hope yours has been awesome as well!

      Delete
  54. I am so glad I stopped dating about five years before the internet became available to the masses. So very glad.
    I will say to you what I say to any blogger who posts a horrifying story: Hey. At least you got a blog post out of it!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks to the crap we constantly find ourselves in, we're never at a shortage of material. Which works just fine for me!

      Delete