Monday, February 2, 2015

Welcome To Thirty, Now Quiet The Hell Up

It may come as a great shock to many of you that we here at A Beer for the Shower are not, in fact, two 15 year old boys (even though the humor and the artwork would indicate otherwise). That's just the age we stopped mentally progressing. Both of us actually turned 30 last year. And while at first it just seemed like another notch in the rickety headboard of life, we've come to learn that being in your 30s really does bring a lot of unexpected life changes with it. Every cliché you've heard about turning 30 and getting old and boring is sadly... kinda true.

For example, long gone are the days of partying all night while drinking your weight in alcohol. Because once you hit 30, like an alcoholic Cinderella, your body magically shuts down right as the clock strikes 10 p.m.



Being in your 30s means that you take less risks. Phrases like "I'll sleep when I'm dead" are replaced with things like "I don't know, that 7 A.M. safety meeting is probably something I should attend." And instead of bringing weed to parties, people bring their babies (ewww). And instead of leaving your friend's house in shambles and puking in the bath tub and laughing about it later, you spend the night awkwardly washing your friends' dishes so you don't look like 'an asshole,' while your friend sternly says, "Now come on, you don't have to do that; you're a guest here."

God, it's so disgustingly responsible.

And while the two of us are still as immature as can be, we are admittedly decent at being responsible adults. In fact, as the proprietors of a website called A Beer for the Shower, you should be absolutely horrified to hear that we both drink in... moderation. And rather than slamming any 24 pack of Keystone Light we can get our grubby, alcoholic hands on, we drink craft beer... you know, so we can enjoy the flavor notes.

Yeah, that's right, 'flavor notes' is also in our vocabulary. Boom, 30. So is 'party'. As in 'dinner party, y'alls!'





Ah yes, being 20-something was all about showing up unannounced, with booze, and getting into drunken shenanigans all night long. But 30 just isn't 30 unless you're showing up at your friends' houses at a punctual and agreed-upon time, holding food you actually made, while conspiring with your loved one on how long you're going to stay (and if someone needs to potentially fake an illness in order to leave early).

However, being 30 isn't just about prompt bed times and telling "those damn kids" to keep it down and making things like quiche. It's also physical changes - though not the physical changes you're probably thinking. Like, for Brandon, something magical happened to him when he turned 30.




Yes, for our 30+ male readers, let's not forget about "second puberty", wherein you discover that your body hair just wasn't as done claiming territory as you thought it was. On the upshot, hairy fella, you can now grow an excellent beard. On the downside, you are now wearing a permanent sweater to the beach.

As for Bryan, he has his own physical change. You see, right now he's in the best shape of his life... and yet he has no desire to go out and actually do anything with said 'shape.'







Bryan's 30 year old self would kick the ass of his teenage or 20-something self with ease. But if that ass kicking required actually leaving the house and putting on pants, then he would forfeit without question and return to that rousing game of Grand Theft Auto he already started. Because who needs to go out and actually "do things" when you can stay in with a bottle of beer and beat up hookers online while your cat grooms her genitals on the other end of the couch and occasionally makes awkward eye contact with you?

Now THAT'S adventure.

In a nutshell, 30 is this: you can do it... you just don't want to. Apply that to scaling a mountain, staying up all night, or drinking 10 shots of tequila on an empty stomach. Or all of those at once. 30 is saying, "Well, I mean, I COULD do that, but they're REALLY counting on me showing up for that 7 A.M. safety meeting."

And if it hasn't already happened to you, it will soon. And when it does, we expect you to come party with us. Dinner party, that is. Remember: it starts promptly at 7. You bring the tuna casserole and the whimsical 'my baby did the funniest thing while projectile vomiting today' anecdotes, and we'll bring the red wine and the complicated board game that takes half the night to set up and no one ever fully understands the rules. And please, make yourself comfortable... just not TOO comfortable. There's a strict 10 p.m. bed time in this household.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
-B&B

Beer: Tivoli Helles Lager
Music: .38 Special

153 comments:

  1. I remember thirty. That was so long ago.
    Yes, responsible. And domesticated. It happens.
    We won't even talk about the fact the body's metabolism grinds to a snail's pace.
    However, my body never got the memo about the hair. I guess that's what I get for coming from such a hairless family.

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    1. My body never got the memo either, so I'll enjoy not having to wax my back. Or never knowing what it feels like to lay down on your stomach on the carpet and "get stuck." Via your own carpet.

      ~Bryan

      Delete
  2. 30, you have it good. I wish I could go back to 30. I certainly didn't give up on all nighters in my 30s. However, I have always given dinner parties and I do not expect my guests to bring anything.

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    1. As a guy who can cook (with friends who mostly can't) I don't just expect my guests not to bring anything, I insist.

      "Oh... you brought Tuna Helper and a velveeta cheese log. You shouldn't have. I mean really, you should not have."

      Delete
  3. This is so sad but true. I was just talking to my daughter about a friend I use to party with (drunken not dinner) and since he got married we haven't seen or heard from him. Damn, I hate getting older and having people think I need to grow up. Its overrated. I am also not at all mature enough for all the deflated ball talk. I always find myself pointing out that Tom Brady isn't young and probably doesn't remember what firm balls are suppose to feel like.

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    1. Well, at least you're not that 30-something single woman that's still dancing, alone, at the club, while trying to convince yourself you're still 21 and relevant to "the kids."

      Also, I assume that Tom Brady's so used to cupping Bill Belichick's orangutan-like man boobs that he wouldn't know a firm ball if it hit him in the face.

      Delete
  4. Yeah, the Superbowl yesterday was a sobering reminder of how sad and responsible my life has become. Instead of bringing Jello shots, I made prosciutto wrapped figs, and I was PROUD of them. This makes me long for the days when the average life expectancy was 18.

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    1. I can beat that. I grilled steaks with fresh cracked peppercorns and yakima smoked sea salt, served with au gratin potatoes, ... and I didn't even watch the game. I just wanted to eat that.

      Delete
  5. So that is what I have to look forward to in a few months when I hit 30? Well at least I'll have a good excuse now why I don't leave the house. I'm 30, the beer guys told me that means I can be in great shape and not leave, so there.

    If I drank like I did in my early twenties I wouldn't be getting up for a week now. I guess I have good practice for those dinner parties too, as I always have an excuse ready to go so I can leave. I blame the cat lol

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    1. Hey, it's always good to have a contingency plan. The animals are my "go-to" excuse as well. Things like "I have a headache" are so amateur. No one believes that. But you know what people DO believe? "Well, I'd better get home soon. My poor dog just came back from the vet yesterday and I need to check on him and make sure his medicine didn't upset his stomach."

      Then I go home, drink a beer, and play video games. As God intended.

      Delete
  6. That's right boys. Welcome to adulthood. Welcome to domesticity. The party's over.

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    1. Oh no, I assure you, the party is just beginning. I brought the Settlers of Catan, and a bottle of red wine, valued at $7.99, that I thoroughly look forward to sipping while we discuss the current reads in our book clubs. Watch out, world, we're here and we're well read!

      Delete
  7. I think that with all the focus on young people, people actually forget the prime of your life is your 30s, 40s, and even early 50s for some people. I'm not in the thirties yet myself but I'm not really terrified about meeting them. Having said that my boss IS turning 29 this year, and do you know what he's doing? He's fostering a kid. So yes kids+30= true. Plus he's actually gay, hence the fostering. Even gay men have some kind of urge to own a child by the time they turn 30. Give it a few more years and you'll have some parasites of your own.

    Okay on a bit more of a serious note I hope you brought in the new decade in a good fashion. Birthdays don't mean as much when you turn anything over 21, but I think I'd still like to party hard-er for the decade points. I'm already responsible and mature so I don't really have anywhere to go from here. I wouldn't mind having a second puberty though. I barely grow facial hair and my chest, arms, and legs are pretty clean too. If you didn't know I actually just didn't grow body hair you'd think I was some kind of neat freak who shaved and waxed every day.

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    1. "Owning a parasite" is the greatest thing I've heard all day. Thank you for that. Neither of us have any desire to spawn yet, but give it time. Our biological clocks are probably just running a few years slow.

      Also, as a 'hairless chihuahua' myself, I know that feel. Women think I'm some kind of metrosexual guy that manscapes, but really, I'm just virtually hairless. And you know what? I don't mind. I like not having my sweater rub against my other "sweater" all day long, like some kind of hairy brillo pad.

      Delete
  8. I think I hit 30 when I was 20. I even had the beard while I was still in high school.
    However, I did retain the ability to do all-nighters all the way to 40. I miss those.

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    1. Wow, what's your secret? We went out for New Year's and made it until about 10, at which point we crashed. I rang in the New Year by drooling into my pillow.

      Also, yeah, yeah, rub in the epic beard. Meanwhile, I couldn't even grow sideburns until I was 20.

      Delete
    2. That's a good question. I've always had that kind of stamina, I guess. A buddy and I stayed up for four days one time during high school.

      Delete
    3. The irony: I have the stamina to push through an intensive 3 hour long MMA workout but I just can't stay awake past midnight. What is wrong with me?

      Delete
  9. Second puberty? Nobody ever told me about that, I didn't sign up for this!
    At least I'll finally be able to grow a beard? Right now it's like trying to grow a tree: you'll be dead by the time there's anything worthwhile to see.

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    1. Brandon says that, but I'm skeptical: last time I let my facial hair grow out it looked like someone took some cat hair, put it in a high powered fan, and let it blow into my face. In other words, I was much more 'transient' than 'lumberjack.'

      ~Bryan

      Delete
  10. I love the red wine and the complicated board game that takes half the night to set up!!

    Those are the best bits of being a 30-something.

    But I make sure to drink the red wine in an irresponsible manner, usually straight from the bottle, and not take the board game seriously at all.

    Also, what's with the hair on my ears? THAT'S NOT WHERE HAIR GOES.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh yes, and don't forget that after a night of drinking while playing a complicated board game, everyone instantly forgets the rules, meaning that you have to learn them all over again next time.

      Also, hair doesn't go in ears. It goes in nostrils. Or so my body has started telling me.

      Delete
  11. Your way ahead of where I was at thirty, but I hate to give you more news. Each successive decade brings more of the same realizations and it ain't pretty, but on the bright side, you have survived! After thirty, those "here, hold my beer and watch this!" moments decrease dramatically. When you're standing with your best friends sucking on a beer (at least some things never change) at your fortieth college reunion, you find yourself looking around and saying, "who the fuck are all these OLD people?" And you will be totally serious. Just sayin'.

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    1. I don't doubt it. Thank God our generation has Facebook. We ditched our 10 year high school reunion and instead, browsed old classmates on Facebook while asking, "Who the fuck is this fat, bald wildebeest?" Before quickly realizing, "Oh, I used to date her. Yeesh. Bullet dodged."

      Delete
  12. P.S. I went bald at twenty seven, but from the top of my ears on down I look like bigfoot.

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    1. Further proof that as we age, our hair simply makes like a bird and migrates south for the winter.

      Delete
  13. I wanted to say "wait 10 more years, you won't believe what you won't care about" but between this post , shoevling snow all day & the Debbie Downer commercials yesterday, I'm going to start daydrinking early today.

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    1. See, 20-somethings have all night ragers, but we have daydrinking. And not only is it socially acceptable, but it's almost always followed by a nap, which is just the greatest thing ever.

      Delete
  14. I'll be at 30 in about three years and a few months. I still can't believe it will be here before I know it.

    Not as exciting as before you reach 18-21 though. However I guess it's better cause I didn't have as much confidence or self-esteem back when I graduated high school.

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    1. I know the feeling. It feels like just yesterday I was 21 and having my first real drink. Now I'm 30 and having... well, it's best I haven't kept count.

      And it's not just the confidence. You know what's nice about being older? Actually having money. No more "do I go out tonight or do I have food for the week?" quandaries.

      Delete
  15. I feel like most of this started happening to me at like 22. Including the dinner party and board game thing. Have you ever played Settlers of Catan with 5 other people you didn't know very well or like very well who also didn't really know how to play? YIKES.

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    1. Thanks to people like that, I've played Settlers of Catan at least 4 times now and STILL don't entirely know the rules. Nothing ruins the game quite like being half way in and someone starting a sentence with, "Oh, wait, I probably should have mentioned this from the beginning, but..."

      Delete
  16. Just wait until 50, when AARP starts chasing you down. They totally stake you out if you don't sign up with them right away. In fact, there's a black Ford LTD parked outside my place right now. They're trying to smoke me out by blasting Perry Como songs.

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    1. I actually got a piece of mail from AARP a few weeks ago and laughed a little after I finished sobbing brokenly. And they may be trying to lure me in with all the Werthers I can gum and all the Matlock I can watch, but I'm not biting.

      Delete
  17. Well, I don't care about being relevant...I'm a flipster (flip side of 50). At 50, you just don't care about a lot of the junk that would drag you down in previous years.

    But heck, even 50 was six years ago, ha ha. Now I feel like a snuck into your blog...let's make a deal - I won't hold youth against you, if you don't hold age against me. :-)

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    1. We're already well into the point of not caring anymore, so you're in good company. And I find that as I get older I have much more in common with 50-somethings than I do with teens, so you're welcome here any time. We can talk about how Justin Bieber is ruining music while reminiscing the "good old days" or the "golden era" of radio.

      Delete
    2. ...I'm more of a "early MTV" kinda gal, but thanks! I'm in.

      Delete
    3. That's the "golden era" for guys like us. You know, back when MTV actually played music and wasn't just a bunch of dumb reality shows.

      See? We're naturals at this!

      Delete
  18. Gosh, I'm older than the two of you put together. I know what you're saying although I made it until my forties until I got like you described. Guess it was the theater life and living on the road for me. When I'd go visit my home-based regular working stiff friends they'd seem to be getting more into that family mode go to bed early style of living and it seemed like I had less and less friends I could just pop in on and stay up late getting wasted with.

    Now I wish I could find a way to stop my stupid beard from growing so I didn't have to shave. Or that at least my wife would consent to letting my beard grow out uncontrollably so I could get gigs as Santa Claus at Christmas and a jihadist the rest of the year. Of course there would also be the option of standing at an intersection with a "Homeless" sign. A beard can work well for that when you become older.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. Yikes, we're already in the "working stiff, go to bed early" mode style of living and we don't even have kids. At this rate, I'm in for a 7 p.m bed time and going out once every 6 months, as I assume it'll only continue to get worse.

      Also, isn't that more of a reason to just say to hell it and grow out the beard? What's the wife gonna do, kick you out? You've already got a back up plan: homeless panhandler.

      Delete
    2. Well, I'm just thinking about pretending to be a homeless panhandler and not really be homeless. I like my bed and own bathroom too much. Living beneath an underpass is not my style. Not yet at least, though if I did I'd probably start staying up late and partying more often cause I'd be afraid to go to sleep lest someone come and kill me or set me on fire or something.

      And I hate having to go to the bathroom outside or using nasty fast food restaurant toilets. Nothing like the peace and privacy of my own bathroom.

      Arlee Bird
      A to Z Challenge Co-host
      Tossing It Out

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    3. With the right backpack, you can make your bed AND your toilet portable. In some homeless circles, they're even the same thing. And they're still more sanitary than a Taco Bell bathroom.

      Delete
  19. Sheesh. I left all the wild parties behind at 25--y'know that 7am meeting.. Oh I still did parties (I was a bit more selective) and not always dinner parites. Hitting my 40's was the place where hubs and I thought up contingency plans to leave early. :-)

    Hubs had that second growth, lololol! Poor guy. I offered to wax him...he still having fear reactions to the suggestion. That damn Mel Gibson movie ruined his sence of adventure.

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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    1. Seeing Steve Carell get waxed in The 40 Year Old Virgin was enough to convince me that that's something I'll never do. We'll turn into actual gorillas before we rip off our own flesh.

      Delete
  20. I have 6 months left in my twenties. Looking for ward to the responsibility thing. And the casseroles. And the body hair.

    This is going to be great!

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    1. Don't forget; you'll still be taking a ton of drugs, but they'll all come in bottles. And be prescribed by an actual doctor.

      And the body hair isn't so bad. It keeps you insulated. But as a warning, once it starts getting caught in door knobs, you should probably trim it.

      Delete
  21. Hello gentlemen ~
    First off - that cartoon of Bryan in his under-roos was way too much. You get close to 50 - you wonder what, if anything could cause one to stroke? (No pun intended, Bryan.)
    I don't drink anymore... but I love to cook. Ever since I discovered naps, I can schedule one at mid-afternoon, and plan on staying up until after 3 a.m. Unfortunately, I'm usually cooking. I'm not fond of veggie trays - but day old dirt chili, mmm good.
    Just because it's groundhog day, doesn't mean we should penalize them. No more grounding. Let 'em go!

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    1. What's wrong with whitey tighties? Well, aside from "everything."

      (for the record I do NOT wear those, but they just always add to the comedy)

      And ah yes, the mid-afternoon nap. I remember a time when I'd make plans to go out drinking spontaneously. Nowadays I even plan out my naps. And let me tell you, I have a 2:30 nap today that I've been eagerly awaiting pretty much since I woke up.

      Delete
    2. I meant to ask... in cartoon #1, is that a beer mug shaped like a boot, or a special huggie?

      Delete
    3. Have you never seen the magical drinking glass that is the das boot?

      DAS BOOOOT

      Delete
  22. 50s are actually when you say, "I could do it but don't want to", when you know you'd likely die in the attempt. Enjoy your youth!

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    1. At this point just because I feel like I can climb a mountain doesn't mean that I actually could. But when they found my mangled corpse at the bottom, well, at least it'll look good.

      Delete
  23. >>... "I'll sleep when I'm dead"

    Shit, I AM dead and I STILL ain't sleeping!

    Damn, Bryan! I gotta see Frederic Forrest AND you in "Baby Hueys" both in one week? I thank God I'm dead! Just imagine how awful that would be if I were actually conscious...

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. I thought you'd appreciate that. Just wait until you hear me sing "You Are My Sunshine."

      Delete
  24. Ah yes. Thirty. That magical age when you look at all those wild twenty-somethings with their party time attitude and think: "Wow. I am SO glad that's not me!" And then go back to watching Netflix. I left my 30th birthday in the rear view mirror almost three years ago, and I have no complaints. I find that the lack of any desire to go out and do stuff suits me well.

    I always hated big gatherings of people, loud parties, concerts, and other situations involving forced association with people I'd rather avoid. Now that I'm over 30, no one really expects me to do those things anymore. There's a lot less pressure. And I'm okay with it.

    Good luck beating up those ski-hookers. From what I understand, swinging the right ski at her face is more effective than the left ski. I don't know why. That's just what I hear...

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    1. I've always been a shut-in too, so it's nice to justify it with age.

      Staying in with Netflix when you're 20: man, you must be depressed. Let's go out to the strip clubs and cheer you up! (Uh, no thanks)

      Staying in with Netflix when you're 30: oh, nice! I completely understand. I'm doing that too. You see House of Cards yet? Kevin Spacey is awesome as SHIT in that role.

      And the ski-hookers weren't very hard to deal with; it was the ski-pimps giving me trouble. I just can't figure out with button blocks their 'snowy pimp hand' special attack.

      Delete
    2. Haven't seen House of Cards. It's not really my kind of show. But Ty has watched it, and really likes it. You know it's high quality when he gives it his stamp of approval. I loves me some "Cupcake Wars," though!

      Oh, I think you have to push the "P" (for "Pimp") button to block that attack. But it's only on the European video game controllers. Maybe you accidentally got the European version of the game. That would suck! They don't even try to make it look like those characters have ever showered!

      Delete
    3. Crap, I think I got the Eastern European version. All of the women are incredibly hairy and the pimps all come with impenetrable track suits and assault rifles. I knew I should stop buying knock off video games from the dollar store. Grand Theft Auto Six: Eastern Europimpin' just seemed like it had so much potential.

      Delete
    4. "Eastern Euro Pimpin'?" How did you even get that thing into your machine?!? Aren't they still publishing it on those old floppy discs?

      Delete
    5. No, no, is not floppy disc. Is cassette tape. You just listen to Eastern European narrator tell you what happen. In Eastern Europe there is no freedom of choice. Not even with video game.

      Delete
    6. I actually hear this in Russian accent. I have sudden need to wear fur hats and boots.

      Delete
    7. In communist Russia, fur hat wears you.

      Delete
  25. You'll find your thirties to be better than your twenties I think. There''s real comfort in stability. You also learn to appreciate the value of being content. It's much better than the touted feeling of "happy", which is not sustainable. I wouldn't go back to my twenties for all the money in the world. Also women hit their sexual prime in their thirties, so if your wives aren't there yet you boys will have something to look forward to.

    There is one big draw back to being in your thirties-you're building your career. I hated that part. And appearances still matter. At forty, you're trying to hang onto your career because the twenty somethings are climbing up your arsehole wanting their piece of the pie. After fifty it's smooth sailing.

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    1. I'm already enjoying my 30s infinitely more than I enjoyed my 20s. I still look young, I'm financially stable, AND I can still do physical activities without severely injuring myself? I call that a win.

      Really, though, I don't fear aging. Both of my parents just retired, and all I can think is, "Man, that must be the life."

      My dad plays guitar all day, watches TV, drinks a beer whenever he wants to... isn't that what most 20-somethings dream of doing?

      Delete
  26. The body is an asshole. I remember shortly after turning 30 and feeling frustrated that I could no longer stay out dancing until 2 or 4am. Thank goodness the brain is a liar. It says "I can. I just don't wanna." It only gets worse. I was out a party with 40s, 50s+ year olds this weekend. My friends and I agreed, later, it was funner than we expect, because we played one innocent game, listened to singing, and stayed up past 9pm.

    I like your wife's party ploy with the chocolate cake. How does she get it out of the container so gracefully, though? She must still be in her 20s.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. She is still in her 20s. Both of our wives are. They're just 30 "in spirit".

      The trick is not to remove the cake from the container, but to cut the plastic all the way around until the container is just a "plate," and then slide from one serving tray to another.

      Oh yeah. Pros over here.

      Delete
    2. Haha. Love it. Thanks for the tip/trick.

      Delete
    3. PS Something's wrong. I keep re-visiting, but she hasn't dropped by yet. Who will I mock today? She must be super busy doing something really challenging, like shifting a lamp. Drats.

      Hope you're having a great weekend!

      Delete
    4. According to her blog her computer broke from surfing too much goth doll porn. I'm sure her adoring fans are just beside themselves with grief, and we can only hope that her next great photoshoot does not have to be delayed because of this travesty. I mean, people organize their entire days around those photoshoots!

      Delete
  27. Each decade has its seasonal fun. Summer beach fun is enjoyable, but so, too, is making snow angels at Christmas time. The trick is not to moan for snow in June or yearn for beach bunnies in December. Well, yearning for beach bunnies in bikinis is acceptable. LOL.

    Don't think what you've lost -- enjoy what you still have. The coming years will take more and more of that. Yet, you gain perspective and with your senses of humor, you will laugh over what once would have enraged you.

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    1. Amen to that. To paraphrase Matthew McConaughey: "That's what I love about these beach bunnies, man. I get older, they stay the same age."

      Delete
  28. Before I launch into the All About Me part of this comment (because that's what comments are for... to tell you how your post relates to ME), I've got to say that I didn't know men just started growing more hair at 30. Kind of freaked me out. I think it happens again when men pass a certain age (not sure what, but old) and the eyebrows do crazy things and nose hair becomes a real "problem." As in it's everywhere.

    Here's the part that's All About Me... I remember seriously dreading turning 30. Fun fact: I was so horrified at the prospect that I told anyone who would listen when I was 29 that "I'm still in my 20s." I guess I just wanted it on the record for as long as possible. I hated my 30th birthday and came as close to a birthday meltdown as I've ever come. The runner-up for birthday meltdowns was my 16th when my ENTIRE FAMILY just forgot my birthday. Completely forgot it. Until 30, that was the birthday ever. No one forgot my 30th and everyone kept telling me, "It's not that bad. Just wait until 40." Like that was any help.

    Ironically, turning 40... zip. Nothing. Didn't bother me at all. I think the big change is 30. Your body just dials back. By 40 you're used to living this way. So, what's the big deal? I've been doing this for ten years now. Although, I did find a chin hair around the time I turned 40. That was horrifying in its own way. Apparently the estrogen is rapidly dialing back after you cross 40 and a female person suddenly discovers that tweezers aren't just for eyebrows anymore. ::sigh::

    Getting old sucks. However, as bad as plucking the occasional chin hair is... and it's not pretty, believe me... I can't imagine getting stuck in the carpet. Honestly, that visual was just a bit much for me. I can't get it out of my head now.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Dammit, I'm jealous. I'm still waiting to get MY first chin hair. :(

      30 didn't feel like a big milestone to either of us. It just felt like another day. Maybe we're doing it all wrong? Or maybe it's just different for ladies than it is for us guys?

      Though I will say, having your birthday forgotten sucks. No one forgot my 16th birthday, but I did spend it mowing the lawn and pulling weeds. Thanks for always keepin' it real, mom.

      Delete
  29. I'm sure there's been a comment to this affect (at my age I cannot focus long enough to read them all)...

    If you think 30 is bad, wait until FIFTY!

    When I hit fifty, everyone said that 50 was the new 40....

    Well 40 was no picnic, either!

    54 feels like the new 70...

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    1. Psssh, who cares about 50? At 49 I'm going to cryogenically freeze my body so that I can be thawed out when medical science has found a cure for the terminal disease that is 50. Just because you can't be saved doesn't mean that we should (gasp) get older, too.

      Kidding aside, 54 is nothing. My dad just retired at 62 and is enjoying life to the fullest. I'd start worrying about age when people start yelling very slowly in your face just to have a normal conversation.

      Delete
    2. People have been doing that since I was six...come to think of it, that's when I started worrying about age!

      Delete
  30. Thirty is a huge life changer. Usually it's because you have kids and do all that family stuff. Forty isn't much different than thirty, except the kids are older, and becoming teenagers. That's a story to itself. I couldn't tell you about fifty and beyond. I'm not there, yet.

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    1. Crap. Can I just skip to the part where they turn 18 and I kick them out? That sounds ideal to me and really saves on that whole 'pre-pubescent anger' thing.

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  31. Most of that is so true. ON News Year's Eve, my husband and I went to a party that started at 7. We did not show up til later and everyone was sitting at the table eating. We felt like we were late.

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    1. I love that when you're in your 20s and you arrive late to a party, everyone's like, "Hey! Look who made it!" But when you're in your 30s and you show up late, everyone just stares at you, and someone says snarkily, "We already started eating. Everyone was hungry."

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  32. While you celebrated your 30th birthdays last year I celebrated my 20th anniversary of my 30th birthday. It's quite funny how we can look at the vodka(my drink) soaked days of youth where one woke up in homes one has no clue who owns it and how one got there realizing that at 3am one ate food off the floor and thought it was a good idea just before heaving one's cookies all over that said floor. Ahhh fond memories. I was never one to say "look at the cute baby" since most of them look like Winston Churchill so, thankfully, I was not at too many gatherings where children took over the BBQ, have a beer and a burger shindig. Now most of these kids are teenagers which I can embarrass. You get to the point where you are really happy to go to bed at 10pm and not be invited over for a weekend gathering. My hubby and I sit back, watch films and watch our cats and dog lick their genitals in noisy delight

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    1. Since I can't lick my own genitals, I guess I have to have my own animals do it vicariously for me.

      (Kidding (Kind of))

      Can I just say - thank you for saying that all babies look like Winston Churchill. That's the best comparison I've ever heard. And as someone who agrees with you 100%, it's fair to say that having kids is not yet in my immediate future.

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  33. I don't think I would have believed anyone if they warned me about my body betraying me at 30. I get the most awful hangovers any time I drink (It may have taken me a little longer to accept the lack of excessive drinking), I get weird 30s chin acne, and I can never sleep but I'm always tired. It's a BLAST!

    Well said, gentlemen. I'll be over later with a bunt cake.

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    Replies
    1. Oh yes, those were some things we forgot to mention. Hangovers are now a method in which to kill you, acne just NEVER goes away (I have a pimple right now - WTF, body?), and yes, for always being tired, I hit the pillow and can just stare at the ceiling for hours.

      If you bring the bundt cake, then we'll provide the cheese and cracker platter while we make some not-very-good made-from-mix margaritas in the blender.

      Delete
  34. Yeah, the thirites were a different ride. But just wait for the forties. You think shit is weird now? The thirties is the wussy training camp for the hardcore forties.

    I'm just a little ray of sunshine today. Enjoy your thirties while you can!

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    Replies
    1. So... I can expect angry bitterness? Because I'm experiencing that now. Damn kids. Grumble grumble.

      Delete
  35. "Whore Derbs"

    That makes sense.

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    Replies
    1. Especially since prostitutes are best in small doses, and right before a proper meal.

      Delete
  36. I'm going to be 45 this month. Where the hell did the time go? Now I'm the 'responsible' adult in the family that invites everyone ever for the holidays, cooks the dinners for the holidays and makes sure everyone is 'happy' while they are here. It was easier when I was 20..I showed up, ate, laughed at the awful cake someone made and left with a doggie bag of food.

    Now I'm grandma, Aunt Mary and the responsible wife. And now I understand why my grandpa drank so much. Being an adult sucks. lol

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    1. Hah! It does, doesn't it? I'm slowly making that transition from 'kid that can just show up and eat' to 'food preparer that needs to bring at least one dish' to 'hosting the holidays and cooking, serving, and cleaning up everything'.

      Being responsible sucks. What's the point in having kids if they can't serve your every beck and call?

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  37. This was hysterical. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but wait till you see what 40 and 50 bring. It's so fun. Especially for females. We can actually grow beards and mustaches! And you guys can grow hair in your ears and out your nose. Ahhh, but I still drink my Heinies and I enjoy my rock and roll...especially when I'm shaving..Hahahaha XX

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    1. Great, so in 20 years my wife will be able to grow a mustache and beard and I STILL won't be able to? Genetics are so unfair.

      I've already spotted a few nose hairs trying to wrestle their way out of my face. They got yanked out, but more keep coming in. I have a feeling this is going to be an uphill battle. Get out the tweezers and throw on some Led Zeppelin; it's gonna be a long night.

      Delete
  38. My hubby and I are in our late sixties, but we still occasionally pull all-nighters with our friends. Post-retirement and quite a few years past gaining an empty nest, we can finally do what the hell we want when the hell we wanta do it, and eat and drink what and when the hell we wanta. (It just so happens, I LIKE eating all that fiber and drinking hot tea... and my hubby wants to... take a nap.)

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    1. My dad officially retired 2 days ago (early sixties), and it just looks like so much damn fun. I think we'd both be able to stay up longer and later if we didn't have jobs that require us to actually wake up at the buttcrack of dawn. Just 30 more years of the grind and we'll be where he is. Yep, 30 years down, 30 to go. Dammit, this could be a while.

      Delete
  39. Even though I'm not 30 yet, I act like a 65 year old grandmother. Who wants to go out at night? Just stay in where its warm and cat. Sit and watch tv and cat. Cat.

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    1. Or stay in and play Grand Theft Auto and cat. Wow, it applies to me, too. We could be the best of friends. Let's not-hang out some time.

      Delete
  40. The "second puberty" bit really rings true! My dad also wore a permanent sweater on his back, and my brother has inherited that great look. He enjoys telling my sons who are 23 and 26, that it's going to happen to them in a few years. My younger son already has a neru jacket kinda blond neck beard going on. In a few years everything will probably connect. You're such good dinner party guests. Most guys don't offer to help like you do! Your wives are very lucky!

    Julie

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    1. Oh, it took a few years, but we're finally domesticated. Not house broken, mind you, but at least we're polite about it.

      It starts with the neckbeard, and it only travels further south, especially as it migrates from the dome. Thankfully neither of us are thinning up top, so for Brandon, he's just built like an angora sweater from head to toe.

      Delete
  41. Thirty? You're just pups. My son is older than you are.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. I still feel like a pup. They say that by 30 you should most definitely be a "grown up", but I just feel like a kid in a big body. Somehow I don't think that will ever change. And frankly, I wouldn't want it to.

      Delete
  42. B&B:
    Congratulations (I think) on you both becoming part of the "well-seasoned" generation...(well-seasoned like a tough chunk of meat that needs tenderizing so it goes down easier...)...folks MY age just call it ELDERNESS...lol.

    You have captured many of the SAME "traits" I did when I hit 30...and that was about THIRTY-TWO years ago, gentlemen...(heh).
    Wish I could say it gets better...but I suppose that also becomes more of a RELATIVE term...

    Makes me wish I could pull a "Doctor Who" and REGENERATE.
    That would avoid a LOT of hassle.
    (even if I did live to be over 1200 years "young")

    Excellent post and some kick-ass funny cartoons.

    Stay safe out there and behave yourselves.
    (nah...just stay safe)

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    1. I don't know if I'd want to pull a Doctor Who and regenerate. I like my kidneys as they are. Especially their color.

      I definitely think it gets 'better.' But my definition of 'better' is giving less of a damn and working less as I age. Isn't that the American dream?

      Delete
  43. 40 tends to be the same, after that though everything starts to go.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Is this the part where we find out you're actually 107? Best twist ending ever.

      Delete
  44. We went to a dinner party once where everyone brought something from the same local deli - not planned.

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    1. Come now, we all know that a good party can never have enough six foot subs!

      Delete
  45. *high fives to my eighties friends*

    80s4ever.

    I definitely am enjoying the 30s over the 20s… it's SO crazy what used to seem so old is SO young.

    Also. I'm laughing. And I have to say again that the wives are my favorite!!! Their expressions… dying.

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    1. Awww yeah, high five so hard you can feel it all the way in your neon pink legwarmers. 80s4ever.

      The 20s weren't bad. I mean, flappers were pretty hot, women were finally allowed to vote, and that Charlie Chaplin guy was a riot. But the 30s are even better. That Glenn Miller guy can really play a horn, and I think that Winston Churchill guy is onto something. And movies where people talk! WHAT? What a world we live in!

      (We're still talking decades, right?)

      Delete
    2. Haaaaaaaaa. <------Extra "a's" for emphaaaasis.

      Laughing. Laughing. Laughing.

      Delete
    3. P.S. Alex told me he is reading your zombie book and freaking loving it. Now I'm dyyyyying to check it out. :)

      Delete
    4. Dyyyyying? There's a lame zombie-related pun in there but I just can't bring myself to make it without groaning.

      Boom, surprise zombie pun.

      Also, that's awesome to hear! That book was a blast to write and definitely one of our favorites. Yes, you can't pick favorites with your children, but you can with your books.

      Delete
  46. All I can say here is ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!

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    1. I laughed so hard I ejected my teeth and dropped my Metamucil! 5 stars! - B&B

      Delete
  47. I always feel like the baby of the blogging world. I've got another 9 years to go before I'm 30. I guess that gives me time to figure out what the fuck a tuna casserole is.

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    1. I still don't quite know what the fuck one is. It's like someone really lazy said, "Well, I have to bring something over for my friends, but I don't want to go to the store, so let's use everything I have in my pantry and make something up. Hmmm, some dollar store noodles, a can of mushroom soup, and a can of tuna... JACKPOT!"

      Delete
  48. Oh dear. Up until now I was quite okay with getting old. Now I discover that I'll become someone I hate.

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    1. Is that a roundabout way of saying that you hate us? Because at our advanced age, it's 200% more likely to hurt our feelings.

      Awww...

      Delete
    2. I usually hate them until I get to know them. In your case I knew you before the changes set in, so we're all clear ;)

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    3. Let it be known that we're still adventurous. We love trying new things, just not going out for the sake of going out.

      Going out - with a purpose!

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  49. Well damn. I'm only 24 but apparently I'm mentally 30. Shouldn't it be the other way around?

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    1. No way. I hated going out even when I was 24. 30 is a state of mind. 30 is an excuse. When you're 24 and you don't want to go out, your friends ask "What's wrong with you?" But when you're 30 and you don't want to go out they just say, "Oh, good, I didn't want to go out either. I just thought we were, like, socially obligated or something."

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  50. Hmmm....I must've lived a different life at 30 that you guys are living. When I was 30, I was already married with child.

    Now I'm 49 wishing I was 30 again. Life was so much simpler then.

    Father Nature's Corner

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    Replies
    1. Well, we're married without childs, and life is great, but it's not so simple. It only gets more complicated?

      Delete
  51. You hit the nail on the head. I had such great intentions, and so did my best friend. She was known for wild parties on Fourth of July, Halloween, birthdays and the "just because" excuses. But then, we hit our 30's and found that the parties were planned but they changed. All of us started leaving early because we didn't want our sleep patterns thrown off, we had big weekend plans of cleaning and lawn maintenance and we didn't want to deal with hang-overs anymore. What?

    Just wait until 40 - that's when the aches and pains set in….

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    Replies
    1. Hah! "I don't want my sleep pattern thrown off." That's the greatest thirtyism I've heard yet. Could you imagine a 20-something saying that?

      "Bro, I just got tickets to this rave. Let's go get hammered and pick up some chicks!"
      "Derek, I'm sorry, I can't... it'll throw off my sleep pattern."

      And hmmm, I already ache... it only gets worse?

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  52. Growing up is a good thing. There is nothing creepier than a 30 year old who tries to hang out with teenagers and the 20 somethings. But now, if you have access to a time machine- I am fully in favor of going back to 20. Or even better, 30. I liked 30 better than 20. At 30, I had a house, good health care, and some money in the bank (how's that for the 40 year olds answer that puts a tear in your eye?)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Even worse, I know some 40 year olds that like to go party with the 20-somethings. Which is really sad.

      I like 30 better than 20, too. I spent my 20s trying to build a career, struggling through crap jobs, barely making ends meet... not having to do that is worth so much more than partying mindlessly with friends. Plus, getting carded is so much more flattering at 30 than it was during my 20s.

      Delete
  53. Ah, I pretty much already act like this, even though I'm a few years shy of 30. I'll bring 6-pack to my friend's house and only drink about 3 of the beers. And then he'll say, "You going to bring your beers home with you?" And I'll respond with, "Nah, enjoy them. It's the least I can do to repay you for that delicious lasagna you made for tonight."

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    1. That's the thirtyest thing I've read all day. And I could not agree more. Now let me help you put those plates in the dish washer. It's the least I can do, considering you had us over and cooked this lovely meal. And baked such a wonderful dessert. Is this chocolate fair trade?

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  54. You're gonna love 40 then. 10 pm bedtimes move to 9pm and that's after falling asleep on the couch at 8.

    3 beers gives you a headache the next day

    You check cholesterol counts on the back of boxes at the store

    Sex is something you did at 30

    One of the ones I hate the most is there is ALWAYS pee left in your wanker no matter how hard you shake it. No more nylon running shorts for you!

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    Replies
    1. Okay, I can do without the sex, but no running shorts because I'll piss myself? That's just not tolerable. Mother nature, why art thou so cruel??

      Delete
  55. Enjoy your 30's because before you know it.....you are 50!

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    Replies
    1. I woke up yesterday and I was 47 so I fear it's happening a LOT quicker than I'd planned.

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  56. "like an alcoholic Cinderella" Too funny.

    20s=party hard 30s=take it easy 40s=no, we're good

    Enjoy your 30s, but 40s are better. 40 is the new 30. Or is it, 40 is the new 20? No, that's not it. I reminisce about my 20s and how much I party. Drinking and drugs. The partying started to taper off in my mid-30s, and now I'm heading into the late 40s. Alcohol? What's that? It makes me too tired.

    I miss the times when we'd go to a bar and listen to live music, but I don't miss the hangovers and I had plenty of them. Lots ahead for you two. In a good way, of course.

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    1. I miss bars that have good live music. Key word is 'good'. Last time we went there was a morbidly obese 50 year old man attempting to DJ. Key word is 'attempting'.

      I'm looking forward to my 40s. It's my 50s I'm dreading. I really don't want to go through manopause.

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  57. I'm inching up on 40 and go to bed at some point before dawn, but I guess we insomniacs get to skip that rule. Boo-yah. However, it used to be I could get a call at 11 to go out dancing, jump up, get ready and head out. Now, were I to get that call, I'd be like "I'm sitting under my heated blanket in front of the fire with my laptop, and I don't wanna' leave. Maybe next time." So there's that. Luckily, no fur sweater for me!

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    1. If I didn't have things to do during the day, I'd be a night owl every day. I stay up at least one night a week until dawn... for writing. I can't quite stay up that late drinking anymore, but oh boy can I write all night long. Bad ass alert, everyone!

      Delete
  58. Dudes are getting old? Well, it happens to all of us. I am grateful it has happened to two of my five children, and another is quickly rounding the threshold of 30. It has been fun watching my own children turn into responsible adults.

    I'm over 50 and unlike most of the mature women my age, I am looking forward to experiencing The Empty Nest Syndrome. I can now laugh at my daughter and all the frustrations she is experiencing with her own children.

    Circle of life, right?

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    Replies
    1. See, this is the only reason I haven't had kids yet. I want to instantly skip to the part that I have them and I love them, but I've just kicked them out of the house and I have my sweet, sweet freedom. Why can't that be a thing?

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  59. What? People bring their babies? What kinda party is that? Do you mean baby as in "Hi baby (wink wink)" or "Darn baby is crying again"?

    Define "moderation". Whore durbs haha

    I could tell you what 40+ is like. I mean, I could, I really could. But I don't want to.

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    1. No I mean like "tiny human that shits itself" baby. It's not always easy finding a babysitter, so sometimes we just have to pass that responsibility on to everyone else at the party. Who's ready to get down?

      Delete
  60. Haha. So true. I'm turning 40 this year, and, unfortunately, the 'I could' has turned into a definite 'I can't' ;-)

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    Replies
    1. Awww yeah! And around here, "Why not?" has very quickly turned into "But... why?"

      Delete
  61. OMG you guys KILL. Wish I could feel even a smidge of sorry for your sorry 30 yr old asses...but I don't. Wait til 40...then 50...then ACK 60. Then and only then will I feel sorry for you.

    Except I'll be dead.

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    Replies
    1. Psssh, feel sorry for you? My parents are 60 and just retired. Now my dad spends his days playing guitar, drinking a beer whenever he feels like it, and playing on the computer. That sounds like the life to me! I've got a job, and responsibilities, and might have kids soon... feel VERY sorry for us.

      Delete
  62. California Girl, My husband celebrated his 80th on Wednesday. One card said "Do you remember when we were young, we laughed at older people? What was so funny?" I thought that was very funny.

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    1. That is both hilarious and spot on. And we don't make fun of our elders because we've accepted our fate that one day that will be us. The socks with sandals, the 9 pm bedtime, the not understanding 'those crazy young people'; we know it's coming, it's just a matter of time. And we're okay with that. Plus, you know, senior discount.

      Delete
  63. Wait, you guys make small talk with each other? Leave it at the office, man!

    When you hit your mid-forties, you can get a lot of amusement out of driving through the college campus in a vain effort to get your kids to calm down enough to go to bed, pointing at all the college kids and saying "How do they manage to get up and party every night and not be exhausted? I'm tired just LOOKING AT THEM." Then you go home and read Buzzfeed articles on your Kindle until 9:15, and you fall asleep dreaming of 32 ways your cat is just like Harry Potter.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Do you literally drive THROUGH the college campus? Because that sounds like an adventure all its own. Or maybe I've just played too much GTA lately.

      DOUCHEBAG AWARD: +100 points for running over a guy wearing a polo with two popped collars

      Delete
  64. Ha! I was just commenting to Mr. RK at dinner tonight how no man should be allowed to wear tank tops, especially men who resemble grizzly bears. Maybe I should change that to "no man under 30"?

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    1. I think it's just generally a good idea for men not to wear tank tops, period.

      This is what a man thinks he looks like when wearing one.

      This is what he actually looks like.

      Delete
  65. Wait till you turn 40. It includes everything you said, but add in a body that is falling apart faster than you can make all the doctor appointments. Good times.

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