Monday, February 16, 2015

Nothing Can Save You From... The Others

It isn't really the season for spooky stories, but today that's exactly what we're going to share with you. It's a horror tale for the ages. You see, long ago, when Brandon first met his would-be wife, she was haunted by a presence - a terrible, trashy force that had recently invaded her home and refused to leave.

They were known as "The Others," and they haunted the basement like a mutant tribe of subterranean trailer trash that one would expect to find living on the set of The Hills Have Eyes.


The hauntings were subtle at first. Brandon noticed it slowly, when things like his beer started to go missing from the refrigerator with no real explanation of where it went.



And then came the terrible smells, the ones that finally convinced Brandon something eerie was definitely afoot in his girlfriend's basement.






Slowly and with more regularity, The Others began to venture upstairs, emptying piggy banks for chewing tobacco money and leaving stains and messes throughout the house like any bold poltergeist eventually does.

They requested loans and rent extensions, and instead of paying important things like "bills" they spent every single dime of their paychecks on idiotic things like stacks and stacks of flavored air in a can. No, really, they bought an entire pallet of the stuff, because once you've had Strawberry Green Tea Flavored Air you really can't go back to that boring regular air that stupid plants give off.

So Brandon did what any good child of the eighties would do; he moved on in and channeled his inner Ghostbusters, scaring those nasty moochers off for good.


In the end, The Others left the same way they arrived: in the middle of the night, by way of a dilapidated minivan with an expired United States Terr'rist Hunting permit stuck on the window, and a month of unpaid rent owed. And even if Brandon's now-wife is out some money because of it, it's still worth it just to have them gone once and for all.

Only Satan knows what poor soul that devilish family now haunts, but rest assured, they'll never trouble the Meyers household again.


Anyone else ever been 'haunted' by terrible roommates?

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
B&B

Beer: Maker's Mark, because someone stole all the goddamn beer
Music: The Pretty Reckless






140 comments:

  1. That's why renting out part of your house is always a bad idea.
    Did they ever successfully flush the dog?

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    1. Either they flushed the dog, or that toilet is haunted, because sometimes when I'm peeing I can hear a very faint "wooooooof..."

      Delete
  2. Yep, just proves that it is not worth the hassle. I've been done with roommates for 8 years now and never again. But I can say I've had no hillbilly ones. My brother had one that made my skin crawl though as the guy never showered and I mean never. He was the dirtiest, smelliest person I have ever come across. Hate rommates with a passion.

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    1. I've never personally had roommates and with that one story alone I can see I've not missed out on anything. I like not having to wake up to foul body odor, or opening the fridge to see that the food that I've cooked was stolen, or being able to blast music or walk around without pants whenever I want. In other words, consider me paying the full amount to live in this place as my premium that allows me to do whatever the hell I want.

      Yep, worth it.

      Delete
  3. >>... "Anyone else ever been 'haunted' by terrible roommates?"

    Hell YES! And it's happening RIGHT NOW!
    I call them the "Chinese Circus Clowns", but of course I have other less polite names for them two, too.

    If you can't beat 'em, leave 'em.
    And that's why I'll be living in Reno by March 5th. Adios, phuckin' Phoenix, Airheadzona! Kiss my azz.

    Incidentally, if you're not going to drink beer, drinking Maker's Mark is a pretty good way to do it. Scooby-WOOOooooo....!

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, the Chinese Circus Clowns - that's so deliciously politically incorrect. Do they all fit in one tiny car, and then when they get in said tiny car they drive 10 mph under the speed limit in the left lane with their blinker on the whole time?

      Delete
  4. I had a roommate when I liked down in Arkansas. Most houses and apartments had gas heaters instead of furnaces and my roommate would shut it off at night and when we were not home to save money. This is how I learned to successfully sleep with my head under the covers.

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    1. Maybe it's just having lived by myself for so long, but I feel like touching the thermostat is an offense punishable by death. Umm... at least you had covers to keep warm? I had a friend whose roommate would get mad and shut off the AC in the summer while he was gone during the day, leaving her (who worked nights) in a sweltering sauna. And oh, he knew if she used it behind his back. HE ALWAYS KNEW.

      Delete
  5. Roommates or tenants are never a good idea

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    1. As someone who's never had a roommate and is happily typing this while blasting music and wearing no pants, I can confirm that this is true.

      Delete
  6. I've never actually had a roommate. God willing I never will. But I have had troublesome and noisy neighbours before at least. My stepbrother has been staying over a lot too. He doesn't really eat all our food, and he was nice enough to even give me some of his the last time he had pizza, but he can be pretty loud. Especially early in the morning. I'm yet to have something as bad as people who just make endless messes, steal everything, and don't give any money.

    No, wait, I have nieces who do that. It's pretty much the same thing.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, no, and they're all related! Relatives - the bad roommates that could potentially live with you any time and you can't kick out. Not like you could with a paying roommate. This changes everything. Suddenly, as a guy with no roommates but with a huge (annoying) family... I don't feel nearly as safe.

      Delete
  7. Did they leave behind any of the flavored air because I may have someone interested in it...me, that person is me. I'm very curious. I only want one can, if you can spare it.
    Just a moment of praise: I love that drawing of the beer bottles lodged in the teeth gaps. Truly spectacular.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I will giddily take your praise, but unfortunately I can't exchange it for a bottle of flavored air because none of it remains. And I don't think it's possible to order it in single bottles (that would be WAY too easy and practical). Maybe try an oxygen bar? That's like a regular bar, but for stupid people.

      "But bro, you've gotta try it, breathing is SO good for you!"

      Delete
  8. I don't know what it is about renters, they seem to hate anyone that owns property with intense passion, so intense they seem hell bent on destroying the property they could not afford to own. I've known several people who couldn't sell houses, so they thought they would rent to what seemed like nice people and something about the process of providing one with shelter and heat really brings out the worst in human beings. Horror stories straight out of a Hoarders Gone Psychotic season. When my husband & I were having a hard time selling our house & condo to combine households, we thought about renting one for a minute. Until I remembered the horror stories. *shudder* you have PERFECTLY captured some such renters. You should do a "Renters of Modern America" calendar, with that beer guy as the centerfold. Good stuff.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. What a great calendar idea. I'm sure there are people who would buy that ironically.

      "This is Mr. July. His hobbies include breaking all of your lamps during beer pong, eating those leftovers you really had your eye on, and peeing in the sink and denying it."

      Delete
    2. I would seriously buy at LEAST 4 copies for Christmas presents, so you should get started right away. You could have a finished product and set up an Etsy store before the Christmas rush! I would promote the crap out of that.

      Delete
    3. Seriously. Maybe not 12 months of renters, but 12 months of different kinds of white trash. This could be your first million.

      Delete
    4. The white trash calendar. I love it. "Mr. December" just has to be a sweaty guy in a wife beater pretending to take a shit on the old, yellowed toilet that he left in his front lawn.

      Delete
  9. There are ALWAYS better things to blow your money on than bloody RENT! Stick it to THE MAN!

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    1. Paying bills is for suckers. So is having a credit score, being able to live somewhere that's not a shanty, and buying things that don't come from a 'rent to own emporium'.

      I ask the bigger question: why rent?

      "Let's pay to live in a place, but that money just goes straight down the toilet and I'm never at any point one step closer to owning the building I'm living in." - renting logic

      Delete
    2. As someone who bought an older house, and is dealing with the non-stop bullshittery of things falling apart, and recently a MOLD infestation, renting is looking better and better!

      Delete
    3. But at least you OWN that mold infested, falling apart bullshittery, which is still a victory in its own right.

      Delete
  10. It's amazing how many people there are out there, roaming from one friend and/or relative to the next, knowing they'll wear out their welcome eventually but sucking every good grace they can muster.

    I kicked out some of my ex's relatives a few years back when they pushed their way into our home and started preaching against our "lifestyle" to our kids.

    It was a great feeling, although i learned I don't have much of a poker face when I'm mad.

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    1. I don't have a very good poker face either, which is why it's probably for the best I've never had roommates. You know what you should do next time? Crash at THEIR place, pull THEIR kids aside, and give them the talk that 50% of straight marriages end in divorce and they should probably prepare to "pick sides".

      Delete
  11. Does my dad count? My sister dropped him off last May with the promise he would only be here a few months. I stay in my bedroom like I was back in high school, because he annoys the piss out of me. I don't even hint he find himself a place that isn't here. I just come out and say it. He ignores me. Maybe if I started charging him rent?

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    1. Ah yes, relatives: the roommates you have to take in, that you can't charge to live there and also can't evict. That has to be the worst. You should start walking around in your underwear, watching reality TV with the volume blasting, and cook terrible smelling things like fish all day long. Then when he complains, say, "Hey, it's my house. You don't like it, move out."

      Delete
    2. I've tried that. I've also had really annoying visitors. Gotten stupidly drunk and shouty. Now I am to just pretending he isn't here

      Delete
  12. My best friend had a roommate with a soul like a black hole. She could make any conversation into a pit of despair. She sucked positive energy out of the living. And the worst part was, every time I invited my best friend over to my place, the roommate just came with, uninvited! It got truly strange. She finally just moved away. But I didn't talk to my friend for six years... until we finally realized it was just HER the BLACK HOLE who destroyed our friendship- and now we're good.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ouch. No one needs to live with a Debbie Downer. And I'm not sure which is worse, your roommate always tagging along with you, or your roommate making plans FOR you. I once worked with a guy whose roommate would just pretty much plan his life for him. "Hey, I got us concert tickets for music you hate, and it's tonight! Hope you don't have anything else going on, because I already spent $30 on your nonrefundable ticket and will guilt trip you into going anyway. SHOULD BE FUN!"

      Delete
  13. B&B:
    In retrospect, this is funnier than hell...but "at the time", I'm sure it was like living through something penned by DANTE...!
    Had you a bunch of C.H.U.D.s in that basement?

    Sorta makes Honey Boo-Boo (and kin) look like they cam from "The Hamptons"...lol.

    Can't say I ever had such people in my life...I must be "cursed".
    (well, I was cursed AT a lot...maybe that had something to do with it).

    Excellent tale from days past (and best left under the stairs).

    Stay safe out there, guys.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. C.H.U.D. is pretty damn close, but I'd say more Morlock than anything. And count yourself lucky that you never encountered these bottom dwellers; thankfully they left before they could depreciate the value of the house and leave behind a permanent smell that you just can't quite shampoo out of the carpet.

      Delete
  14. Never had bad roommates like that, thank god. Though my old roommate did used to drunk eat my pop tarts. Grumble.

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    1. If I ever had a roommate I would put a mini fridge in my room, padlock that shit, install my own cabinets, padlock those, and then put a locking bolt on my door. I'm serious about my food, and in my house, stealing my pop tarts is a death sentence.

      Delete
    2. I would kill over stolen pop tarts, but only if they're brown sugar cinnamon.

      Delete
    3. Brown sugar cinnamon are my absolute favorite, and I would disembowel someone over the theft of those. I knew we liked you for a reason.

      Delete
  15. I know the feeling, There's someone here that does nothing but sleep on the floor, whines in the middle of the night and begs for the food I make all day.

    Okay maybe that's my Jack Russell terrier. But I'd rather deal with my dog than a roommate.

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    1. 100% agreed, if only because you can't smack your roommate on the nose with a newspaper or rub their face in a mess to teach them a lesson.

      Delete
  16. Oh, yes, had two moochers like that. Move in, proceed to eat what's in the fridge without asking, never contribute to food buying, and expect you to like adopting their slack jawed ways,. . .1st time at university (I told them to hit the road back to Ohio). Then in Canada it happened again, but this guy lived in the basement and talked to himself. He kicked in the door when we locked his basement access. Eventually we told him to beat it but again it was me that did that (verbal commander style- no guns here. . .) This guy was creepy. He eventually went back to the US of A. . .so we heard.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. He's back here in the US? Ugh, we don't want him! Ship him off to Antarctica or something.

      And you know, the moment someone like that kicked in my door I would have BOUGHT a gun. You know, before those voices that talked to him in the basement told him to 'burn everything'.

      Delete
    2. I think that was Justin Bieber, Idiot King.

      Delete
    3. I hear he's getting roasted on Comedy Central. I was very sad to hear that "Comedy Central" isn't slang for "fire pit."

      Delete
  17. My flatmate currently has a flatmate who... isn't going to finish this sentence for fear of incriminating himself.

    But I hear he's really nice.

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    1. Really? Because I hear he's a "complete dick that leaves the toilet seat up all the damn time!"

      (I like to stir up trouble)

      Delete
  18. I was always lucky with roommates as we stayed friends before, during, and after living with each other. Tenants are another matter. We needed a dumpster to get rid of all the junk we couldn't sell to make up for the unpaid rent and the ' why didn't you tell us there was a hot water leak that just cost us $300 more than the usual bill?' ya fuckin' moron! That was the last of the renters.

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    1. Yeah, living with friends is definitely a more tolerable experience. You know what you're getting into and people tend to be less of a dick if they know your friendship might suffer as a result of said dickedness.

      I had to help my in-laws rent out their townhouse one time. Never again. The tenant literally put her cigarettes out on the carpet. She did so much damage that the walls had to be repainted, the carpets replaced, and everything reupholstered. How one tiny woman could do so much damage was every bit as disgusting as it was impressive.

      Delete
  19. I rented a house out to some people once, and had an eerily similar experience. They left a stain in the middle of the living room rug that was either from rebuilding a transmission or murdering someone.

    Never again.

    (The Scooby Doo clothes were a nice touch.)

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    1. ...You fill your transmission with blood?

      Delete
    2. Yes, and I cackle maniacally every time I shift gears.

      Delete
    3. Now I'm really hoping that this is your shifter.

      "My car gets 30 MPG. That's Miles Per Guy. I have to kill quite a few to keep this baby runnin' smoothly."

      Delete
  20. I love the Scooby Doo outfits!

    Does family count?

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    1. Thanks! Now if only someone would tell Bryan that the gag is over and to take off that stupid ascot...

      Family not only counts, but they're some of the worst because they're practically impossible to get rid of. You really can't serve your family with an eviction notice and a restraining order the same way you can with a shitty tenant.

      Delete
  21. I love it when you draw little Brandon and Bryan as Scooby and Fred.
    Thank goodness Brandon's g/f knew who to call.

    I've had some evil-psycho roommate situations, none quite to that extent. The last one called the police on me for threatening to take her hair dryer, which she intentionally left, along with strands of her hair, all over the bathroom, and of course there's more to this story. Two burly cops showed up, and they were holding back laughter when they saw me, quiet, innocent, in my pjs, all 4'8" of me...The joys of home-rentalship.

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    1. Scooby? Fred? What's that? We just love 70s fashion. And ascots.

      If that's how it ended I kinda want to hear the rest of this story. I always love tales where someone calls the police over the dumbest reason. Did she face any legal repercussions? Isn't that a crime: calling the police for no good reason?

      Delete
    2. In that case, and in any case, you two kids wear shaggy clothes and ascots well.

      It's a good story, at least one chapter's worth. I was so infuriated that the local police have my full name on record because of her and no, there were no repercussions. In fact, they made me stand and listen to her bullshit rant. When I tried to interrupt, they "ssh'd" me. But when she went on and on and on with her crazyness and when they saw that she's almost one foot taller than me and much more foreboding, and less sane, I think they got it. They didn't handcuff me or even take notes.

      Our third roommate (the homeowner), at least, scolded her for calling the police.

      Regarding your response to LL well below. I'm STILL LAUGHING! I'm embarrassed to ask, what movie is that from? I'm movie-ignorant. It's a great speech, and a great response to another asinine comment. Cheers!

      Delete
    3. That's just insane. From searching Google I see there's a criminal charge for calling the police without reason but that's typically only if they repeatedly call 911 for no reason. But, you know, that first time is totally okay.

      What a nutjob.

      If it makes you feel any better, when I lived in an apartment, I had a crazy neighbor call the police on me for my car being too loud. That car being a Ford Taurus. That did not have any kind of special exhaust. The police showed up, I showed them the car, and started it up, and they both burst out laughing.

      And the kicker? After that I would start up my car in the morning and warm it up a few minutes before leaving (you know, winter) and then would come home to a passive aggressive note on my door saying something like, "I WORK NIGHTS AND YOUR AWFUL CAR WAKES ME UP" and "NO ONE LIKES THE SOUND OF YOUR STUPID CAR. PARK IT SOMEWHERE ELSE."

      Right, I shouldn't park in the public apartment complex. My bad.

      (That's Denzel Washington's speech from Philadelphia. Oh LL, welcome back you stupid, naive bastard)

      Delete
    4. Haha, thanks for it all. I had another good, hearty laugh! Denzel delivers some of the best lines and LL, some of the dumbest.

      Yeah, I figured it must be a crime to call 911 for a non-emergency. People do it all the damn time. So after she did it the first time, I wanted to piss her off again. Problem with that plan: when the homeowner took my side, she packed and left. That was a happy moment for me!

      Sounds as though he/she mistook your car for some sort of...I dunno, a wild elephant or freight train. What an a-hole. He/she was probably my ex-roommate's ex.

      Cheers. Hope you're well and making good progress with Tuck and all. =)

      Delete
  22. Well, I still live with my parents. Does that count?

    (Loving panel 3, good job!)

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    1. Thank you kindly sir, we took great pride in that gag/drawing.

      And... plot twist: that makes you the crappy roommate in denial?

      Delete
  23. Unpleasant people need not apply.

    I'd rent a house out to a verified (credit checked, etc.) person, but not if I still occupied part of the house. It's just not worth it.

    Spoiler alert: The older you get, the less you are willing to put up with other people's crazy. Life is too short.

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    1. Amen to that. I wasn't even willing to put up with people's crazy when I was 20. Life is way too short to not enjoy the sweet freedom of living in your own place.

      "Oh I'm sorry, roommate, you're living here too so I'll be polite and wash these dishes immediately so the sink is clear, and I'll keep my music down, and I'll put on pants and shoes at all time," I said... never.

      Delete
  24. Those Others sounded really scary! Glad your woman is out of there!

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    1. She never left. Or at least I hope not, considering the house is hers. Crap, where am I living?

      Delete
  25. Those Others sounded really scary! Glad your woman is out of there!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Double your freshness
      Double your fun
      Because two comments
      Is better than one

      Delete
  26. You sure did make yourself into Scooby Doo characters today! That's hilarious that you did it on the same day as my Daphne post. I also had an experience over the weekend with an ascot that I am planning to detail on my blog tomorrow...I think we are even more alike than I had already thought we were. Except I'm way pasty white. Like, somebody in high school once thought I was wearing white panty hose and I was like, "No...those are my legs." What was the question again?

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    1. I'd say that we'll be there tomorrow with bells on but that's super gay. We'll be there with ascots on. Ahhh... not better at all.

      And I don't know, we're pretty white too. I leave the house about once a week, and it's usually not by choice. I'm so white I'm sure the reflection off of my skin could melt snow.

      Delete
    2. I was saying on Facebook the other day how I have missed Christmas since Christmas day, and my mom said, "Oh, come on, Shay, aren't you ready for sunny, hot days just a little bit?" I was like--hello, how long have you known me, didn't you give birth to me? I have kids so I do all of that shit like "going outside" constantly in order to give them happy, full lives, but if it were just me, I'd be inside reading books and staying indoors like the vampires do. Don't they?

      Delete
    3. The only reason I ever step outside is to take my dogs out to pee. I'm strongly considering just diapering them. That 3 minutes per day is WAY too much sun exposure for this alabaster cancer patient doppelganger.

      Delete
  27. Bryan and Brandon - first thanks for visiting my blogs, and classing up the places.

    A *friend* suggested I rent my basement to her son and his girlfriend. I did. A week went by and I thought, Gee, they're so quiet. So I went to the exterior basement door. (Yeah - their own personal entry. Nice touch on my part) They had another couple living down there with them. A third guy was sleeping around the back of the furnace. Five people for a single rent amount.

    I got miffed and headed back down there, to tell they had one week to vacate. The police were talking to all of them about stolen scooters - from their place of employment! (Yeah, they all worked for the same company) OMG. Arrested all of them. The day they got of jail, rent was due, but they thought I'd be okay waiting until they all got new jobs... I didn't leave the basement's carport until they all had packed their sh*t and were gone... 3 hours!

    I also suffered through the humiliation of the company owner coming to my house to collect her stolen scooters. (Three scooters, and I really liked the orange one.) but you'd have thought I was *Mama Mafia.* No more.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Classing the place up: something we have NEVER been accused of before. Thank you!... I think.

      Ho-lee crap. I think that story takes the cake. So if this is your friend, how did she turn out okay but her kid turned out into such a... well, for lack of a better term, bag of dicks? I mean, it takes a special kind of person to rent a place from your mother's friend, then use that as a place to (brilliantly) house stolen scooters.

      And thanks for the warning. My wife wants a scooter in the future, mind you, to save on gas, so now when we buy one I have to make sure I don't buy it on the scooter black market.

      Delete
  28. I've had a couple awful experiences with roommates. I learned my lesson about "rescuing" people with a supposedly mutually beneficial home sharing agreement. NEVER works out for me. I had to move out in the middle of the night the last time. Lesson learned.

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    1. Wow. You know things are bad when you think to yourself, "Well, I don't need to live here THAT badly" and just hop out the window at 1 AM.

      Delete
  29. Ah yes. There's nothing quite like pointing a shotgun at someone's face and informing them that that they owe you money to ensure that they won't bother you ever again.

    You know, I think those poltergeists rented our old house after we moved out of it. We sold it to a guy in the neighborhood who wanted to turn it into a rental property, and apparently the first tenants he got were just like those guys! Bad luck. I was glad we didn't own the property anymore, but I was kind of sad to hear that the cute little house that we'd spent 3 1/2 years fixing up and turning into a nice home got destroyed within a few months of those asshats living there. Yeah, I said it. They were asshats.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I don't think I've ever seen you use the word asshat. Or even curse. So that's saying a lot. Then again, I assume you have the patience of a saint compared to either of us, so whatever they did to your old place, if they did that to us we'd probably use words that would make Lil Wayne blush.

      And you know, there's that old adage that says "If you lend someone $20, and never see that person again, it was probably worth it." Yes, that's true, but if you can point your shotgun in their face, get that money back, AND never see them again, I'd say that's even MORE worth it. Stupid asshat adage.

      Delete
    2. "The Stupid Asshat Adage." Isn't that a Canadian synthesizer band?

      Oh, and I don't exactly have the patience of a saint, but I do try not to fly off the handle too often. That's how you end up on YouTube.

      Delete
    3. You're thinking of Canadian synth supergroup "The Single Sound of an Asshat Clapping", not to be confused with the Canadian afro neo-funk band "The Future Sounds of Yesterday, Tomorrow."

      "The Stupid Asshat Adage" is Norwegian lesbian post-tronica.

      Delete
    4. Wow. I'm sure lucky to have you to set me straight on these sorts of things. I can't believe I mixed up Canadian synth with Norwegian lesbian post-tronica! I mean what's next, trying to pass off a German hillbilly electronic funk group with a Swiss yodeling/rap crossover band? I mean, where is my mind these days?!?

      Delete
    5. It's okay, as we're both just 100% more hipster than you. I eat nothing but organic, free range, gluten free vegetables, I drink fair trade zero calorie water, and I listen to the greatest bands that you've surely never heard of before.

      I even burn my mouth when I eat my soup (I ate it before it was cool).

      BTW, if you haven't heard Pregnant Scandinavian Workforce yet, you're missing out. They combine the magic of synthesizers with the nasally shriek of the duduk - a 1,000 year old, indigenous Armenian flute. There's one band member who doesn't even play an instrument. His role in the band is simply "haunting silence" and let me tell you, it's breathtaking.

      Delete
    6. As I understand it, the "haunting silence" guy is best heard on the original LP version. I also heard that they auditioned at least 50 people for that job, and he's the only one who could really capture the true essence of hauntedness that the band was looking for. It's a rare gift. What's his name again? Oh, that's right! Svenhildegarstenvig! (All of the consonants are silent.)

      Delete
    7. Incidentally, "All of the Consonants Are Silent" was the name of his first solo EP.

      Bravo! Perhaps you are as hipster as we are. I guess the next time we go to a Salvation Army so we can buy new scarves you're invited. Just look for the guys wearing plaid cardigans, jorts, and big, glassless glasses.

      Delete
    8. Great! I'll be sure to bring the vegan, all-organic grass and kelp smoothies. Complete with almond milk and sprinkled with just the right amount of self-righteous pretentiousness.

      Delete
  30. Yay for Brandon! You'll be Mrs. Brandon's hero forever ♥

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    1. It's true; the quickest way to a man's heart is through his stomach but the quickest way to a woman's heart is by fending off the disgusting rednecks that were sneaking into her bedroom and stealing quarters from her piggy bank.

      Delete
  31. When X didn't want me anymore, he and I bought a house in Jacksonville, Florida. Favorite Young Man lived with me. That lasted eleven months, and then we were ready to kill each other. Do you know how gross it is to hear your son in the bedroom next to yours and he's screwing some cheap chick? Nastay! I said FYM had to move out, and he did. Now he lives about two minutes away, and I can't hear him having sex and he can't hear me having sex. Problem solved. He comes over to help when I need him, or I help him when he needs me. Although living together didn't work out, I'll always be grateful to him for helping me get started on my new life.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. Wow, I don't think I could look any of my family members in the eyes ever again if I heard them having sex. The two of us, for knowing each other as long as we have, have never even heard one another doing the deed... which is just damn fine by me.

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    2. One morning I got up early, opened my bedroom door, and I spied with my little eye a naked Favorite Young Man headed toward his bathroom. I was so glad I was looking up.

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    3. If my mother ever saw me naked, or vice versa, I'd just have to jump straight out the window and move to Fiji.

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  32. The only thing I took from that is that Bryan is wearing a cravat in that last thread ;)

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    1. And I just learned the word 'cravat'. I called it an ascot. Not that either word is all that manly...

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    2. I thought it was an ascot. What's the difference?

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  33. Lol. I can always count on you for a good laugh.

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    1. Ladies and gentlemen of the jury, forget everything you've seen on television and in the movies. There's not going to be any last-minute surprise witnesses, nobody is going to break down on the stand with a tearful confession. You're going to be presented with simple fact. Andrew Beckett was fired. You'll hear two explanations for why he was fired, ours and theirs. It is up to you to sift through layer upon layer of truth until you determine for yourselves which version sounds the most true. There are certain points which I must prove to you. Point number one, Andrew Beckett was. . .is a brilliant lawyer, great lawyer. Point number two, Andrew Beckett, afflicted with a debilitating disease, made the understandable, the personal, the legal choice to keep the fact of his illness to himself. Point number three, his employers discovered his illness, and ladies and gentlemen, the illness I am referring to is AIDS. Point number four, they panicked. And in their panic, they did what most of us would like to do with AIDS, which is just get it, and everybody who has it, as far away from the rest of us as is possible. Now, the behavior of Andrew Beckett's employers may seem reasonable to you. It does to me. After all, AIDS is a deadly, incurable disease. But no matter how you come to judge Charles Wheeler and his partners, in ethical, moral, and in human terms, the fact of the matter is, when they fired Andrew Beckett because he had AIDS, they broke the law.

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  34. Oh, do I have a roommate story... But I should type that up.

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    1. You know, if you don't actually type that up and send it to us, you'll be sentenced to 4 years of hard labor in North Korea. Sorry, that's just basic Internet law.

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  35. I have a terrible roommate! But you already knew that. I'm pretty sure he's certifiably insane.

    On the bright side, I was followed home from work one night when I was walking and I asked Roommate to please keep the door locked in between going outside to smoke. He picked up a giant wrench, that he JUST HAPPENED to have next to his chair, and walked all the way downstairs to check things out.

    Mention being followed to a crazy guy and you've got a bodyguard so you don't have to do the work yourself.

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  36. Oh I had a roommate I called psycho who stole things until I found y TV in her room. I literally kicked the door in and told her if she ever did that again I would take her fat ass and hang it from the balcony. I told her to give everything back or else. She did:) She had someone throw up beside her bed at New Year's and I heard her scraping it off the rug in April -Ick. Now I also had the displeasure of being a rentbank administrator. There was funding, from the government, for people who fell behind in their rent, to apply to the rentbank and if they met the qualifications up to 2 months of their rent would be paid. They had to the pay it back to us. The people who walked through my doors were often slugs-big, smelly gross slugs who thought Walmart was the Vatican. I felt bad for many landlords

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    1. I think that description of those slugs is the most accurate, the most disgusting, and the most hilarious thing I've read all day. Walmart really is the Vatican of redneck bottom feeders, isn't it?

      Also... how the HELL did your roommate steal your TV, put it in their room, and expect you would never notice that?

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    2. Hence why I called her psycho:) didn't bathe and when she "returned" my hair clips there was a film of gunge on it. Needless to say they were tossed in the dungheap and I washed my hands with javax:)

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  37. I'm impressed with how you went from Honey Boo Boo to Ghostbusters to Scooby Doo. Three decades of fun in one! ZOINKS!

    Julie

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    1. Scooby Doo? Classic fun. Ghostbusters? Timeless action comedy. But Honey Boo Boo? Uh, let's just forget that ever existed...

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  38. Roommates. Those are tricky. Some of my best and worst life experiences involve roommates. Of course, I've never lived with anyone I didn't really know (unless my ex-husband counts! Ha!). Actually, that last wasn't true, but it was funny. I knew him very well.

    I guess I've had enough trouble with "roommates gone awry" who I thought were friends to never even think of trying to share a space with strangers. Heck, right now the relationship with my mom is tough (and you know why), so that pretty much suggests that you just shouldn't do it. Glad Brandon learned his lesson.

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    1. Parents: the unwanted roommates you can't kick out, especially because they housed your ass for 18+ years.

      The only person I've ever lived with that I didn't know was myself. I mean, do we ever truly know ourselves?

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  39. In college, I had roommates who completely trashed the apartment we were living in while I was away for the weekend (that was the weekend I came home to the kitchen burned down), and then immediately after that decided they were all going to skip out on the renewing of the lease, which I had already signed and which they told me they had signed. That sat on my credit report for years.

    Do you have complicated tenant rights laws out there? NJ and NY are ridiculous. Nothing a tenant can do if the landlord is awful (like refusing to allow you to get rid of fleas, which results in you accumulating $1000's in debt). And nothing a landlord can do if the tenants are trashing the place and not paying rent. It is almost IMPOSSIBLE to get them out.

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    1. The laws are very complicated. The next door neighbors are literally destroying not just the house but the neighborhood (they ran their car through Brandon's fence) and no one can seem to evict them. Housing laws: only protecting those who need it the least.

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  40. Yeah about 20 years ago hubby and I moved into a huge house with another family. They were nice and we thought things would be alright. One month the owner came to me and asked when we were going to pay the rent...I thought it had already been paid since I had given our half to the other guy we lived with. He went and gambled all the rent money his and ours and we got evicted 30 days later. I told hubby never again would I have roommates.

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    1. This is exactly why I have trust issues. Also, I wish Italian mobs still existed, so someone could have come and broken that guy's legs. And then scooped out his brain and slowly fed it to him. Maybe that's Hannibal Lecter. Well... whatever.

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  41. This comment has been removed by the author.

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  42. It almost sounds like "The Others" are relatives you are not supposed to speak of. I had those invade my house before. They are hell to get rid of.

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    1. Relatives are much harder to get rid of. It's not like you can just leave an eviction notice on your sister's pillow. Or send your uncle to collections. Or order a mob hit on your cousin.

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  43. When I first read this post I thought you were talking about real 'spooks'. I've lived in more than one place that was truly haunted, but that's a story/comment for another post. I've had my share of unpleasant/unwanted roommates, but fortunately it's been a long time. Today I think I would rather live in a shack than share a nice space with these kinds of folks.

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    1. Frankly, I'd rather be haunted than share a space with people like this. At least you can't smell a ghost. Nor can one steal all of your money. Or piss in your sink.

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  44. I love the Shaggy and Fred cartoon attire. :)

    I have to say that I was never punished with horrible roommates, because I chose to live alone. It's bad enough to live with me, so to add others to the mix could have possibly been deadly.

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    1. Amen to that, and I would say much the same about myself. It reminds me of this fantastic quote.

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  45. I've heard far too many horror stories about people who rent out. My father lost $50k because some guy simply refused to pay for his apartment, and my neighbor across the hall from me in my old residence rented out to a couple that collected car tires in their house and tore up the toilet in an LSD-induced rage. Also, I've had my share of awful roommates.

    Good thing Brandon was able to evict them easy enough. Otherwise, I would have suggested soaking stolen mannequin parts in barrels of pigs blood and tossing them down the basement stairs.

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    1. That would make one hell of a thing to disclose to future basement dwellers. "So, just to let you know, the previous owner OD'd down here*. Also, there's a BIT of pig's blood and a lot of extra mannequin parts, but I promise it's not as bad as you think."

      *true story

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  46. He channeled his inner Ghostbusters? I need to learn how to do that. (Don't ask.)

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    1. Channeling Bill Murray is okay, but it's even better if you can channel Bill Murray, Dan Aykroyd, Harold Ramis, and Ernie Hudson all at once. And it usually takes a very, very big pest like these rednecks to channel those four. Especially since Ramis is dead (RIP). You don't know how much ghostbusting it took to convince his ghost to put up with these shitheads.

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    2. When things like your beer start to go missing.... that's not subtle! That's full-blown haunting and sh... spit.

      I miss Ramis.

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  47. Is she flushing THE DOG?

    I could never have roommates anymore because I don't like using any toilet that has ever been used by another person, which is why I also don't invite guests over because there's no easy way to say "no you can't actually use my bathroom because I don't want your gross amoebas all over it because just thinking about your skin on my toilet seat makes me want to barf."

    Also, sometimes when we are in public, like at the library, one of the boys will use the urinal and then will TOUCH THE INSIDE OF THE URINAL and no matter how quickly I make him scrub his hands in the sink -- which BY THE WAY WHY CAN'T WE GET HOT WATER AT PUBLIC SINKS?-- i cannot forget has happened, and hours later I will be holding his hand as we cross the street or something and I swear I can still feel the urinal on it.

    You did ask about misadventures with toilets, right?

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    1. We did not, but thanks for ensuring I never a public one again. WHY? WHY WOULD HE TOUCH THE INSIDE OF ONE?

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  48. As I'm reading Book 3 of the Game of Thrones and had different 'others' on my wee brain.
    Can't say I've had such a delightful tenant experience as this.

    What I can say, in the days of being a renter, I have had fellow renters that equalled these charmers, might even have surpassed them too, but all in all I was grateful they were not folks I had to knock on a door for rent money. Though, I'd have answered it with some buckshot too! Seems to work on crows!

    That was a great misadventure. I'm glad you lived to share it with us! :)

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    1. The only time I ever played landlord it ended with me discovering a mess the likes of which could have only been caused by demons. The carpet ruined. The walls ruined. The tile ruined. The refrigerator was coated in a sticky liquid that took weeks of scrubbing, and to this day I still don't want to know what that liquid was. I'd rather take buckshot to the face than face that mess again.

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    2. I have a garden suite, occupied at present with the tenant from hell, my mother…LMAO as I write that… but, she has a think for peanut butter (don't ask, just nod and smile) and she gets her sticky peanut butter fingers on EVERYTHING - yes, that's right, EVERYTHING.

      I HATE PEANUT BUTTER… it's a nightmare. Yup, tenant from hell.
      still laughing.

      But, since I'm related and well, I bought the house from her, and like she's got tenancy for life… I'm debating who to hire! to clean, that is… I'm choking on my spittle I'm laughing sooooooo much.

      Okay, there's my story… but, hey, let's just keep it between us, eh!

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    3. Wow and here all this time I didn't think people got "sticky peanut butter fingers" after the age of six.

      I bet it's kinda fun to play detective, though, as you walk around the house and identify peanut butter finger prints. "Hmmm, next Mom turned on the light. Then she opened this door. Oh, then she used the toaster!"

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    4. What do you mean "after the age of six" she IS six… (in old people years)

      You do know that old people regress, right? I figure in another year or two she'll be sucking her thumbs and then at least there'll be less peanut butter to clean up.

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  49. So you just kicked her family out huh?
    Do they visit once in awhile?

    Never rented out or even had roommates. Too OCD for that kind of crap.

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    1. Do they visit? They owe us money. We'll never see their asses again even if we wanted to.

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  50. Damn. That was a seriously scary story. Loved the Fred and Shaggy nod at the end!

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    1. Thanks! When it comes to terror, ghosts ain't got nuthin' on a disgusting redneck family. Zoinks!

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  51. My husband keeps wanting to buy investment real estate and be a landlord. I'm thinking there are easier ways to make money, like lion taming or something.

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    1. It's a great investment, so long as you don't mind tenants destroying everything you've ever owned and losing your entire investment.

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  52. I had one roommate but he was more mediocre than anything else. He was my best friend and he shared an apartment with me and my girlfriend (now wife) at the time. possessed a stack of magazine porn that literally came to the top of his chair in his room (about three feet).

    Father Nature's Corner

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  53. That was scary. I shouldn't read this before going to bed. Now I'll dream about the guy with the beer bottle teeth.

    I haven't had too much roommate experience, but what I've had was pretty good. Well, except for my second wife after she went a bit bonkers. That didn't go so well.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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