Monday, February 9, 2015

Keeping the V in V-Day

If you're like us, you probably don't care much for Valentine's Day. Yes, it's rich in history, and we all know that it commemorates the day that St. Valentine valiantly drove all of those goddamn snakes out of that goddamn plane, but these days it's become so commercialized. Valentine's Day (or Valentime's Day, as it's known to stupid people), is often nothing more than the giving of pricey gifts as a way of staving off bitter divorce for another year.

But it doesn't have to be!

Thanks to the two creative geniuses here at ABftS (aka us) we've compiled some great Valentine's Day gift ideas that are not just inexpensive, but they come from the heart, too! So this year, give your loved one the gift that says "I tried with my heart but not with my wallet, so don't hold that against me, you selfish, ungrateful cow-person."

1) Cook a romantic meal

You don't have to be a gourmet chef to present your loved one with a romantic meal. Or even have to know how to cook at all, for that matter. Ask any master chef what truly counts in a dish, and they'll each tell you the same thing - it's all about the presentation.




2) Do a sexy dance

So you've just served your honey some sick-ass tuna surprise. He or she is still having a taste-gasm. Don't let the magic end there. Instead, let it sloppily travel straight to your hips.

See, if Magic Mike has taught us anything, it's that people will pay money to watch anything as long as that 'anything' has abs. But it's also taught us that an erotic dance is the unisex gift that keeps on giving, as both women AND men love a good lap dance. So this Valentine's Day, don't be afraid to shake those hips and really get your partner in the mood for romance.








3) Offer the clumsily erotic back rub

Okay, you've just laid down some sick moves. Like, Michael Jackson tap dancing on the ceiling sick. Your loved one doth quiver within his or her loins. But you're not done yet, Romeo and/or Juliet. No, you need to start initiating some body contact. Our suggestion: the back rub. Get out that massage oil you don't know how to use and put on way too much. Then start moving your hands around in awkward patterns because you have no idea what you're doing, only to hurt your partner and make your fingers cramp up.

Let loose. Channel that sex appeal straight from your finger bones to their spine muscles. Or whatever's down there. It's not like you have to understand basic human anatomy to make it a massage they'll never forget.





By now you've probably 'sealed the deal', but in case you still need help, we've got one last tip (just the tip); don't forget to do that thing your partner loves in bed. You know, that special thing you do with your tongue and your fingers.




And if that doesn't result in the best Valentine's Day you've ever had, then... you got what you paid for, didn't you?

Cheers and stay sexy, folks,
B&B

Beer: Rocket Bike American Lager
Music: Du Tonc


122 comments:

  1. Cheaper than flowers, candy, and a stupid card she'll just throw away next week!
    I always get stuck doing the foot rub thing. Not the sexiest part of the body to fondle, that's for sure. Unless one has a foot fetish.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh no, not the wifely foot rub! If that doesn't show true love, I don't know what does. "Here, I'm going to rub the least sexy body part you have. And not complain about it."

      Sorry, foot fetishers.

      Delete
  2. Oh how I hate it when people say "Valentime's Day". How do masseuse's hands not cramp up? I've never been able to go more than 30 seconds of massaging without my hands seizing into an arthritic knot.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yeah, but on Valentime's Day it seizes into a big, sexy arthritic knot, amirite?

      ...I'll show myself out.

      Delete
  3. My girlfriend DOES actually enjoy when I read her stories. A few times she's had me come up with stories on the fly including a touching romance between a bird and a bear. I was never told the birds and the bees as a kid so I substituted bees for bears. They're close enough. I'm still pretty indifferent on V-Day really. I don't outright loathe it, never really have, but I still disagree with all that commercialism.

    Yet I still enjoy Christmas. Go figure. I think it's just that on Christmas I'm guaranteed to get something. I will say this for V-Day though; it's the day that just keeps on giving in the form of reduced Valentine's chocolate.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, Christmas is more like, "Exchange gifts with friends, family, and loved ones." Valentine's Day is more like, "Buy the person you're boinking a card. Because, uh, you know. Reasons."

      And pretty much every novel we've ever written I read aloud to my wife in bed. It's not only a great way to hear how the words sound when read aloud, but she really enjoys it. It means a lot to her.

      *cue lame studio audience awwwww.*

      Delete
  4. Oh my! Between the sexy dance and the erotic page turning, I'm just all a-quiver!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. They say that Cupid shoots his arrow into a person's heart, but we disagree; we doth believe that he shoots it into a person's quivering loins. So that uncomfortable burning you're feeling isn't herpes, it's just Cupid's fiery love.

      Delete
  5. Valentine's day can go rot in a deep dark hole somewhere. Maybe it will get lost up Honey Boo Boo's ass or something, she'd finally be good for something then.

    But after such a mating dance, how can she say no? lol

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, it looks like SOMEONE'S not getting Honey Boo Boo's Deep-Fried Butter Chocolates this V-Day, Mr. Buzzkill.

      (Nah, we don't like it either. We, uh, do nice things for our wives all year long, not just on one stupid day. Plus, our wives don't even like hot pink. And that's pretty much how everything is colored on V-Day... lame)

      Delete
    2. All year is the way to be indeed

      Delete
  6. I didn't know girls had quivers. I need to look at an anatomy chart sometime.

    I've been single for a long time.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, that's easy, the quiver is located topwise from the big scary cow monster. You'd have seen it if you actually helped your friend pull out her floating dildo. That thing could have seriously wrecked her lima beans.

      Delete
  7. Daisy gets mad at me that I don't take her out to dinner on Valentine's Day. Something I would have no problem with normally, except almost everyone has the same idea. And I don't feel like waiting 1-3 hours to get a table.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. McDonald's probably doesn't have much of a line, and it still counts as 'going out to dinner.' Well, if all you want to do is prove a point, and you don't ever want to have sex again.

      Delete
  8. Here in the Midwest we don't ever have to worry about Valentime's Day (ODD-viously) b/c we have both White Castle, which offers a special Valentime's Day date meal, not even kidding, we also have Lou Malnotti's which sells heart-shaped pizza. Nothing says "Grow fat with me" like the gift of trans-fats. They literally go straight to your heart. And stay there until doctors put in medial shunts to manually force blood through before you have another stroke.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. As someone who misses Chicago and orders Lou Malnati's pizza in the mail (true fucking story), I've seen the heart shaped pizza. This year's V-Day package comes with a heart shaped pizza cookie, too. So you can add some diabeetus to your heart disease.

      Delete
  9. Thank you for this handy How-To guide.

    I will exceed expectations this year by doing all of these things, and supplementing them with a raunchy text-message variant of 'Roses are red, violets are blue.'

    I might paint myself several different shades of grey too, because I hear that's attractive this year.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If you need more raunch, don't forget the Old Man From Nantucket. That guy ALWAYS gets results.

      Delete
  10. My husband firmly rejects Valentine's Day as a "Hallmark Holiday" - he isn't crazy about Sweetest Day, either, Actually, I agree with him on that one. Look for a post about it, ha ha.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I had to Google "Sweetest Day." That's really a thing? Yeesh. I would love to see you slam that holiday in a post. "It's the one day of the year the already supremely wealthy candy companies force us to buy even more candy and give our spouses the gift of diabetes."

      Delete
  11. In the future I will be referring everyone I date to this post. Any of the above is better than what I usually get. I'm almost giddy with excitement to see just how sucky this year will be.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Who knows? Maybe this year you'll get that punch in the face you've had your eye on. Or there's always herpes. Someone could give you that. Or how about ebola? I hear that's going around a lot this year to a very select few.

      Delete
  12. You've got some *interesting* dance moves, Bryan. I particularly loved the one with your cheeks puffed out and your head facing the same way. If that doesn't put her in the mood, I don't know what will....

    Note to Brandon: Skip the massage this year. (I feel a bit like Ellie on Cougar Town right now. Ellie: "Your girlfriend doesn't really like what you're doing in the chest area of foreplay. You should skip that in the future. You're welcome." Grayson: "I hate you."

    Valentine's Day is that uber-strange holiday that speaks directly to your self-esteem in grade school. Valentine's from classmates (or the lack thereof) define your status. In junior high or high school, it mostly created envy of those "steady" couples who got to celebrate and a longing to have *anyone* on Feb. 14. Very healthy attitude, I know.

    Then I spent most of my 20s (when Valentine's Day is actually MOST important) somehow not being in a relationship on Feb. 14. Or if I was... not actually being in the same town, state, country as my boyfriend.

    I'm not even going to go into the pain of V-Day in my 30s. 3 of those holidays I was married. And exhausted. And migrainey. Honestly, I just wanted a divorce. It woud've been the best V-Day gift I could've gotten. Wow. That was really harsh. But so true. The most true things are often the most harsh. Did you know that????

    Now, I don't give a rat's behind about V-Day... except I know I need to avoid pharmacies and grocery stores when that candy goes on sale. I could buy it in a moment of weakness. I love M&Ms. Just love 'em.

    On the sweet note (yeah, I was already there thanks to the M&Ms)... I find it adorable that you read your books to the wife and she loves it.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That move would be called twerking. Come on, get with the times!

      And yes, massages sound nice in theory, but I don't think it's possible to make one enjoyable when you don't actually know what the hell you're doing. And you just end up kneading them like a cat does when they get really happy. Not erotic.

      How's this for harsh? You get your loved one a giant box of chocolates, but when they open it it's empty, except for a post-it-note that says "I want a divorce, you foul cow-person." Then they notice there's a huge hole at the bottom of the box. As they start to examine the hole, you put your hand through and slap them in the face.

      Too harsh?

      Delete
    2. Yeah. Too harsh. But, very funny.... ::howling with laughter:::

      Delete
  13. OK I also hate when it is shortened to V-Day day and then when you offer Tuna, well, it just seems to go together with V-Day day. Love the dance moves but when my husband thinks he is dancing sexy I start to laugh. If I start to dance he tells me to move away from the TV. He also once gave me a nice rub but then pulled my fingers (I thought he had to fart) but he thought it was a great way to massage. he forgot about my loose joints and sprained my fingers so I felt like your gal in the beautiful pictures you drew:)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We just call it V-Day because it's (crudely) the second day of the year the woman is expected to 'give up the V.' That other day being the guy's birthday.

      My favorite part of sexy dancing is awkwardly tripping, and then pretending like you meant to do that all along and somehow incorporating it into the dance. Yeah, I call this one The Stumble. You turned on yet, ladies?

      Delete
  14. I like keeping with the tradition where I spread rose pedals all over the house and I await her in my sexiest pair of ball-huggers upstairs, but instead of rose pedals it's a nest of vipers and instead of ball-huggers, I'm donning a red shawl over a white robe and wielding a oak staff. I then corral the snakes out the front door into the front yard where they begin feasting on the neighborhood dogs. Then I whisk my girlfriend off to our bed chamber and lie next to her, doing nothing, because I'm a Saint, and Christians aren't supposed to engage in intercourse until marriage. That's my way of celebrating Valentine's Day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. THANK YOU! At least SOMEONE stays true to the historical tradition! What is it with these hoes hearing "I'm gonna whip out my snake staff" and all they can think about is sex? So impure.

      Delete
  15. B&B:
    LMAO...leave it to YOU two to out the heart in Valentine's Day...brilliant!
    HA...I cook EVERY meal (swing and a miss - strike one)
    Erotic Dance? At MY age? You want me to wind up in an ER?
    (strike two
    The "Massaging Dead" (spinoff series)...I;ll pass.
    (strike there...I'm out)

    (And I only read in bed UNDER the covers with a flashlight...sorry, old habit)
    Still, there is ALWAYS those other guys that make the 14th lovely:
    Mr. WHITMAN
    Mr Russel & Mr. Stover.
    (in a heart-shaped box)
    Guaranteed to free any man from the dog house...lol.

    Thre 'ya go then.

    Great post.

    Stay safe out there.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Wait, we can just buy her chocolates? If I'd have known that, I wouldn't have burned down the kitchen, messed up my fingers, and pulled my back dancing. Man, we really overcomplicate things.

      Delete
    2. I've seen Bob. You don't want his erotic dance. I foresee camo boxers and a "pole" that fires at 20 rounds a second.

      Delete
    3. But at least it still fires, amirite?

      #JustOlderGuyVictories

      Delete
  16. People actually call it Valentime's? That's absolutely retarded.
    Anyway, it seems you forgot the first and most crucial step to giving your loved one a great Valentine's Day: acquiring a loved one. Can we get a follow-up please?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, they do. And they genuinely think that's the name, too.

      And no, I don't think you understood. This list also includes our single friends. You want to land the girl of your dreams? Give her a can of tuna, dance sexy for her, and then erotically rip her spine out.

      Never fails. My quadriplegic wife agrees.

      Delete
  17. My mom used to make this macaroni that my dad would call "macaroni surprise." And then he would say, "The surprise is that there is no surprise."

    I'm not sure why their marriage didn't last.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. "Surprise! We're getting a divorce! How's that for a surprise?"

      And yet it still wasn't the worst birthday I'd ever had.

      Delete
  18. "You got what you paid for." <--great line, guys. That's what it's all about. These scenarios reminded me of some of my stories that you read. And that I lived. I didn't add that actually, one of my former suitors, wooed me by reading to me by phone. It was truly what made me fall in love with him. I see that you and Mark and your respective sweeties*
    have enjoyed the same. The big bad wolf is a good selection - lots of sexual innuendos (huffing, puffing, blowing down the house of wood..). Maybe I'll try that one with George. Thanks.

    *in your case, beard for hire.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The big bad wolf is perfect if you're vanilla. If you want a real fetish story, try red riding hood. After all, the wolf dresses up as grandma first. Talk about kinky!

      And I can't afford to pay the beard for hire much, so she accepts reading as a form of payment. Also, she's illiterate. So she scratches my back, I scratch hers. Just not sexually.

      Delete
  19. OMG. Too funny! I hope my back doesn't look that bad when my hubby gets done with it!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Pro tip: you can always keep your back in tip top shape by practicing erotic dancing. Don't listen to Magic Mike - contrary to popular belief, sexy dancing is not just for men!

      Delete
    2. I'm always blown away by the ideas you two come up with on here, and other places too (smile).

      V-day is Saturday so I'll be with a volunteer group seeing children in hospital wards. The kids chose yellow and orange for their party colors. Sugar free scenario, with lots of games, and a movie. I'm looking forward to it.

      Thanks for your suggestions. When I go to buy sale chocolates at the end of the month - I'll pick up some extra tuna, 'cause you never know when cupid might pay a visit!

      Delete
    3. You rock. That's how my wife spends her Saturdays, minus the children part. She just volunteers for the hospital. Also, our dog is a registered service dog... so even if he's a complete dumbass, at least he's a sweet dumbass that brings happiness to others.

      Me? I'm just gonna sit here shoving my face with tuna. I figure she's charitable enough for the two of us, anyway.

      Delete
  20. "Just the tip" Hey if you're gonna give just the tip to your woman then you might have some problems. LOL

    ReplyDelete
  21. I'm going to buy Lindt Chocolate for my hubby (I am the chocoholic mind you). Not sure what he is doing for me. Probably not much. He knows I am on a diet so will figure I don't need chocolate.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. See? This is why we have to do things like this. Because we don't have cool things like Lindt stores. So unfair.

      Delete
  22. WTF if Valentime's Day? Never heard it pronounced that way before and now I'm having an OCD attack. Thankfully nothing a can of tuna & twerking can't help with. I'm bypassing my spine being ripped out though, no matter how sexy it may sound o_O

    ReplyDelete
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    1. But you instantly lose 10 lbs! I mean, sure, that's all bone mass, but you'll never look slimmer. Or be able to stand up erect again.

      And yes, count yourself lucky you've never heard it pronounced that way. We're from a small, redneck town, so...

      Delete
  23. Ah yes. Valentine's Day. I always feel sorry for men at this time of year. All those ads on the TV and even coming to your house through the mail, ordering you to spend thousands of dollars on jewelry, flowers, and chocolate. Who could possibly live up to all of that hype?

    As for me, I'm all about keeping it simple. I don't expect much. Just a gourmet meal at a 7 Star restaurant, with flowers waiting at the table. A diamond necklace wrapped around the vase, and a ring in my glass of sparkling cider. And, of course, a new Mercedes with a giant red bow wrapped around it. Oh, and don't forget the well-thought-out, romantic, hand-calligraphied card, embossed with real gold leaf that I can read while an actual minstrel plays the lute and sings a song that my husband wrote just for me. See? I don't ask for much!

    Good luck this year, boys! And if your wife really wants a good massage, she needs to go to a professional. The same thing goes for the erotic dance.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Sparkling cider? God, you are low maintenance. It's Dom Pérignon or nothing in this household!

      Oh, and good thing I AM a professional. I'll have you know I watched Magic Mike three times, and I'm pretty sure I'm a qualified stripper now. Also, I might be gay.

      Delete
    2. Really? The sparkling cider makes me low maintenance? That says a lot.

      You're still considered to be an amateur until you've watched Magic Mike 5 times. That's also the threshold that you must cross to officially be gay. That's what it says on Wikipedia, anyway.

      Delete
    3. We all know that fussy, high maintenance women drink. I mean, it's pretty much in the codebook.

      Also, thank God! That's a huge relief. I really was not looking forward to sucking a guy off. At least I'm safe... for now.

      Delete
  24. I usually buy Boyfriend a pair of boxers with hearts on them. This year I'm changing it up (meaning I couldn't find any new ones on amazon), and got him boxers with bears on them. BEARS.

    God I'm good.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No cats? It's like you're not even trying to be a crazy cat lady.

      Delete
  25. Well, this made me smile, you guys are so sweet to your wives. You certainly have some interesting moves with that erotic mating dance. What no love sonnet? How do I love thee..let me count the ways.. throw in some sensual expressions and you are good to go..lol..seriously love should be celebrated more than once a year.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. We'll leave the love sonnets to the professionals... like you. Otherwise we just end up with messes like this.

      Roses are red
      Violets are blue
      I'd like to do
      butt stuff to you

      Delete
    2. oh, this was hilarious..I am cracking up here..oh that was a bad word choice..too funny..you guys are really very clever and so witty. Thanks for the laugh.

      Delete
  26. You guys really know your romance stuff. With luck I'll get about as close as you guys to gettin' any.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Maybe even closer. With all of that spinal separation it may be a while before either of us touches our ladies. Or until they walk again. The doctor says 16 weeks, but I'm optimistic that it's more like 12.

      Delete
  27. Oh those tips are amazing! I can't imagine that either of you has ever gone a Valentine's day without getting lucky with all those moves!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Psssh, are you kidding? I'm getting lucky right now!*

      *It's been so long since I've actually been given sex I no longer am sure I understand what it is

      Delete
  28. V-Day is now Vagina Day. I am not interested in a back rub. Willy Dunne Wooters knows where to touch me. Oh, my goodness. Now you know we have a sexual relationship. And at our age. I'm so embarrassed. At least neither one of us will get pregnant.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But what if *I* get pregnant? Can you accept that kind of responsibility?

      (I don't understand how sex works)

      Delete
    2. I accept responsibility if the little product calls me "grandma" and is very, very intelligent.

      Delete
  29. With gifts like those it should be christmas

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. In my household it's Christmas every day of the year, if you get what I'm saying.*

      *I don't

      Delete
  30. If you're going to talk moves....you have to include the knuckle and the swirl. It worked for Puddy and Jerry and George! LOL. We have an art show on V Day so by the time we work 12 hours and drive 90 mins home, we'll be so happy to hit the bed...but not for the reasons you dirty minds think!! Great post guys! Love that massage idea!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. The knuckle and the swirl! Yes! Classic Seinfeld. And let me just say, I can relate. Everyone thinks the wedding night is a "big night" for that kind of thing. Well, after spending 10 hours setting mine up, going through it, and then all of the cleanup, the wife and I went home at around midnight and passed the hell out. No knuckle OR swirl for either of us.

      Delete
  31. For my first Valentines Day with my girlfriend, I took her out for the day, we went on those two-person paddle boats on the river and we watched the movie Valentines Day that night. The next day I surprised her by sending flowers to her work. On our second Valentines day, I gave her a used hard drive stocked with 14000 music tracks that may or may not have been illegally obtained. The hard drive turned out to not even work. There won't be a third Valentines Day ;)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If a woman can't appreciate a two person paddle boat and an entire hard drive full of pirated music then she didn't deserve you. Give me that over some stupid chocolates any day.

      Delete
  32. I just bought my boyfriend a video game. Because he doesn't like tuna, me dancing will probably result in falling out the window, a massage will put one/both of us to sleep, and I don't have anything to say about that last thing. Mostly because I'm still laughing that my brain went in a totally different direction. Spending money is easier.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No tuna, no dancing, AND a video game? That sounds like a win to me. What video game? You immediately lose all acquired bonus points if your answer is something like The Sims or Hello Kitty: Adventure Island.

      Delete
    2. The newest Legend of Zelda game that comes out on the 13th of Febuary. Don't ask me the name of it. I am video game inept and literally asked the chick behind the counter to, "preorder the newest Legend of Zelda game that comes out on Febuary 13th".

      Delete
    3. Ooh, the 3DS remake of Majora's Mask, possibly the greatest Zelda game of all time. You win so many bonus points.

      Also, good guy Nintendo: releases said remake of greatest Zelda game ever one day before Valentine's Day so all of those lonely singles will have something to do this weekend. And your boyfriend. So don't be sad when he ignores you. It IS a pretty fucking awesome game.

      Delete
  33. I wasn't going to do anything for Valentine's Day this year, but after reading this post I'm going to have to follow your advice. I'll let you know how it goes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good luck! Pro tip: bring plenty of duct tape... it's good for all of that sexy bondage stuff (we know how the ladies just love that Fifty Shades of Grey-style sexual assault). But also, it's in case you sever your boyfriend's flesh from his spine.

      Delete
  34. Ha ha ha! Love the apron slogan. I have found over the many, many years I've been married, whenever either one of us "tries" to be romantic, it doesn't quite work. It comes off cheesy and contrived and we wind up laughing our butts off. The most romantic moments we have ever shared were all spontaneous, not forced and especialy not bought on Valenti"m"es day, that's for sure!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So you're saying truly romantic moments are fleeting and never planned? That almost sounds like wisdom. Damn good wisdom. How dare you class up our site with things like that.

      (That's brilliant, though, and a very true observation)

      Delete
  35. Um... Does Brandon's wife know you've been drawing her naked?
    Does yours?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Everyone's cool with it, because it's tasteful and crucial to driving the story. No gratuitous nudity here. I mean, no one gets a massage in a sweater. Unless it's Brandon's hair sweater. And we don't want to see that no matter how much it drives the plot.

      Delete
  36. I think I need some mouthwash after reading this, lol. I stopped trying to seduce my hubs (ex hubby now, but we still date) with sexy dances or food. Put on some football, buy some greasy fast food and beer (Bud Light) and wait for him to go to sleep. Erotic dreams are so much fun :)

    Batteries are a middle aged lady's best friend. Reliable, consistent, always available.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah, I think I get what you mean. I love batteries too. Yep, just playing some Nintendo Wii with the wife. That sure is a good time.

      Delete
  37. Check my blog tomorrow guys. Have a pic of the Lindt store before my camera packed up on me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm more excited for this than should be socially acceptable for a grown man.

      Delete
  38. Love the sexy dance pictures! Too funny.
    My hubs and I are going to be staying in a hotel for valentines day...with the two kids. Business trip. Tuna in a can will probably be the extent of our romancing.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, a hotel trip with kids. Nothing's sexier than knowing pretty much everyone else in the building is getting laid but you. Well, unless it's one of those upscale, non-hooker-infested hotels. But what would be the point of that?

      Delete
  39. >>... "Valentine's Day... Yes, it's rich in history, and we all know that it commemorates the day that St. Valentine valiantly drove all of those snakes out of that plane."

    Silly me, I thought Saint Valentine was the bloke who shooed all the rats out of Chicago by shooting some o' dem with machine guns from black cars that go screech in the night.

    Apparently my knowledge of history is pretty crappy.

    These were all A-list suggestions, but me, I'm just gonna get my girlfriend a bouquet of roses and a box of chocolates... after I get me a girlfriend. (It just seems much more dignified, if a bit stale on the Imagination-O-Meter.)

    No one ever said I was a unique dude,
    and I'm living down to that estimation o' me.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well well, look who the rats dragged in. Welcome back to the Internet! And civilization.

      Worry not on the girlfriend troubles. We'll just bring you to our small dinky hometown and invite every single woman in town over to my folks' house. With upwards of 100 women, there has to be a full set of teeth on at least one of them... but no promises.

      But before you pick, do test her and make sure she can make a leg of lamb, will you? Nothing's worse than a lady who can't even prepare your favorite dish.

      Delete
    2. Right you are! And if they get suspicious about why they'd all been called together at the same Bat Time and same Bat Place, we'll just ask them if they'd ever considered starting a girl's softball team.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
  40. Not wearing anything underneath the apron, and your circus like flexibility were both fine warm-ups, but that sensuous page turning would melt even the most frigid ice princess! There's a great place here that makes heart shaped pizzas for Valentine's Day. If you could find one near you, it might be almost as delicious as "tuna surprise!."

    Julie

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    1. That's cute and all, but what about a heart shaped tuna? It's kinda the best of both worlds.

      Delete
  41. LOL! I love the pictures. They really captured that special Valentine's gift.

    You forgot the movie. Nothing shows love like watching a movie your significant other likes. Make some popcorn, cozy up to one another on the couch, and as soon as the movie begins, lay your head on their shoulder. They'll never know you're sleeping and they will totally appreciate the sacrifice.

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    1. Ha, the joke's on you; your spouse is also sleeping. Which makes it all the more fun when you both awkwardly try to discuss the movie afterwards.

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  42. For me, Valentine's Day is just the 2nd day of the annual "shoot-me-now", in which I alternate giving the wife something BIG for her b'day the day before and something small the next day. Or is it small for her b'day and BIG for Valentine's day? I can never get that straight.

    Father Nature's Corner

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    1. I guess it depends on how happy you are to see her on how BIG it is.

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  43. Loved this :)
    Especially the tuna SURPRISE!
    Happy Valentine's Day ♥

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    1. The secret ingredient is love! Also... tuna. Happy Valentine's Day to you as well!

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  44. If it smells like tuna then you shoulda been there soona!

    Valentime's day is stupid. I proposed to my ex-fiance on V day. It is now more ruinder than ever!

    I didn't even get the fake plastic diamond back either! Hogwash I tell ya, plain 'ol hogwash!
    Now I gotta git the 'ol lady sumptin' or else I'll be wearing out ma dick skinners!

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    1. That sounds like the kind of life wisdom that should be written on a bathroom stall. Also, thanks for teaching me the word 'dick skinners', which I had to Google. Sorry if you look at my Internet browser history later, wife. It was all in the name of science, I promise.

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  45. FYI boys, I answered your "Ask Me Anything" question at my blog today.

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    1. That was so awesome we may have to steal that feature from you at some point.

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  46. I've tried to do a sexy dance but I can't pull it off. I'm too embarrassed and awkward and just don't exude sexiness at all. It's really quite pathetic. Remember that scene from True Lies? Yeah, not me at all. I'm more like that chick that was twerking upside down and nearly lit her hair on fire.

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    1. Sexy dancing is overrated, but being able to escape a fire while twerking upside down? That's super hot. Like, literally hot. Third degree burns - that's where it's at.

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  47. Valentines or Valentimes or Single Awareness Day (as I've heard it called by some womens) surely was invented by the card companies not to mention the florists and chocolate guys (and I mean the guys who make chocolate, not black men), but then again it's kind of nice for someone to say 'I love you' with candy and flowers,even if it only on that one day.

    Oh and that sexy dance...YIKES and Double Y-I-K-E-S!

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    1. Hey now, I can't help it that I was born with the natural rhythm of a "chocolate guy."

      Also, I find it kinda funny when someone who's single is genuinely upset by Valentine's Day. If you're single and you don't want to celebrate it... then don't. Most of us couples don't really give a shit about it either.

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  48. I've actually been fixing some meals all week that my wife absolutely loved so I'm covered there. She has her weekly massage every Sunday so she doesn't need me for that one. So I guess it's the sexy dance then.

    I don't know how much she's gonna like that one.

    Arlee Bird
    A to Z Challenge Co-host
    Tossing It Out

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    1. You've been cooking for her every day? She gets weekly massages? I don't think you understand how this whole Valentine's Day thing works, my friend. You're only supposed to be nice to your wife ONE day a year -Valentine's Day. That's just, like, the rules, man.

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  49. Hilarious, gross but hilarious. Thanks for the sexy advice! I'll just jump straight to the last one.
    Hey guys, do you mind if I use one of your cartoon images to highlight you during the A to Z challenge? I wanted to use your header, but you don't have one... I won't use anything without your permission. Let me know! Thanks! taratylertalks@gmail.com

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    1. YES WE MIND. THESE PICTURES ARE SERIOUS BUSINESS AND MUST NEVER BE REPRODUCED UNDER PENALTY OF LAW.

      Nah just kidding that sounds great. E-mail sent.

      Delete
  50. Absolutely brilliant, especially the rub-harder-massage. My love prepared a meal for me, and then asked if there existed a horror movie with a Valentine's theme (I love horror movies). I suggested My Bloody Valentine from 1981 (uncut version), so we watched that one together. Romantic, isn't it? :-)

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    1. That sounds like a damn good Valentine's to me. "Romantic" is usually just a fancy word for cheesy and hokey anyway, and what fun is that?

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  51. Well that might be classed as a flop, but hey, you tried. I'm not a fan of Valentine's Day, it's just another Hallmark moment, but I tried participating for a few years there. IMO, it's enforced romanticism. . .
    And no, I don't think I want to see any cow-tipping, btw. Falling down barns or decrepit buildings I don't mind - especially in sepia. . .

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    1. PS - clarification: barns falling down or apart or abandoned buildings, not people falling down them. Sheesh. . .I think I left many things dangling there.

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    2. No, no, don't clarify; I would pay good money to watch some of the idiots in our small hometown falling off of a barn.

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  52. I hate Valentine's Day. If you're single, you're meant to feel like an evolutionary reject. If you're not single, you're meant to spend your entire paycheck at Hallmark.

    Since our anniversary is on the 13th of July, we go out on the 13th of every month anyhow, so we do this as a Valentine protest.

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  53. Tuna? Sounds fishy.
    I love the back/skin pulling off rub. The gore factor is just awesome. Kind of reminds me of Hellraiser.

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    1. Frankly, if your spouse isn't turned on by Pinhead and his hellish antics, then you married the wrong person.

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  54. Why's it so damn hard to actually give an effective, erotic backrub? I've been trying all my life and still can't get it right.

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