If you're like us, you probably don't care much for Valentine's Day. Yes, it's rich in history, and we all know that it commemorates the day that St. Valentine valiantly drove all of those goddamn snakes out of that goddamn plane, but these days it's become so commercialized. Valentine's Day (or Valentime's Day, as it's known to stupid people), is often nothing more than the giving of pricey gifts as a way of staving off bitter divorce for another year.
But it doesn't have to be!
Thanks to the two creative geniuses here at ABftS (aka us) we've compiled some great Valentine's Day gift ideas that are not just inexpensive, but they come from the heart, too! So this year, give your loved one the gift that says "I tried with my heart but not with my wallet, so don't hold that against me, you selfish, ungrateful cow-person."
1) Cook a romantic meal
You don't have to be a gourmet chef to present your loved one with a romantic meal. Or even have to know how to cook at all, for that matter. Ask any master chef what truly counts in a dish, and they'll each tell you the same thing - it's all about the presentation.
2) Do a sexy dance
So you've just served your honey some sick-ass tuna surprise. He or she is still having a taste-gasm. Don't let the magic end there. Instead, let it sloppily travel straight to your hips.
See, if Magic Mike has taught us anything, it's that people will pay money to watch anything as long as that 'anything' has abs. But it's also taught us that an erotic dance is the unisex gift that keeps on giving, as both women AND men love a good lap dance. So this Valentine's Day, don't be afraid to shake those hips and really get your partner in the mood for romance.
3) Offer the clumsily erotic back rub
Okay, you've just laid down some sick moves. Like, Michael Jackson tap dancing on the ceiling sick. Your loved one doth quiver within his or her loins. But you're not done yet, Romeo and/or Juliet. No, you need to start initiating some body contact. Our suggestion: the back rub. Get out that massage oil you don't know how to use and put on way too much. Then start moving your hands around in awkward patterns because you have no idea what you're doing, only to hurt your partner and make your fingers cramp up.
Let loose. Channel that sex appeal straight from your finger bones to their spine muscles. Or whatever's down there. It's not like you have to understand basic human anatomy to make it a massage they'll never forget.
By now you've probably 'sealed the deal', but in case you still need help, we've got one last tip (just the tip); don't forget to do that thing your partner loves in bed. You know, that special thing you do with your tongue and your fingers.
And if that doesn't result in the best Valentine's Day you've ever had, then... you got what you paid for, didn't you?
Cheers and stay sexy, folks,
Beer: Rocket Bike American Lager
Music: Du Tonc