Monday, January 19, 2015

To Bean or Not to Bean: The Plight of the Gringo Mexican

Some of you may not know, but the co-creators of this blog are both lifelong sufferers of an identical, uncommon disease. No, it's not alcoholic liver failure. Nor is it feline leukemia. No, you see, for all of their youngish lives Bryan and Brandon have lived with a severe psychological identity crisis, stemming from the fact that they are each half Mexican. But if you look at them, you'll see that they don't look Mexican at all. They both just look like a couple of whiteboys.


So what's the problem, you say? It's the best of both worlds, right? Tacos AND burgers? Hip shaking rhythm AND white privilege? A green card AND a credit card? What's to bitch about? Well, let us tell you, it's not all that easy being a bleached tortilla. And here's why.

When you grow up in a largely uneducated farm town that's roughly 50% white folks and 50% brown folks, you learn pretty quickly that racism is easily accessible on both ends of the spectrum. And rather than serving as a happy medium that everyone on both sides can learn from, the result is that everybody hates you, at least a little bit.





But really, it's weird not quite fitting in to either "group." We're not very hip on Mexican culture, but for being as pale as paper, we both suck at being white people. We think Starbucks coffee is awful, and that Taco Bell is neither Mexican food nor is it actual food. You won't catch us dead in cardigan sweaters or polo shirts. And we didn't think Friends was funny... at all.

In other words, we are the worst white guys ever.








Sorry, guys, but our skin color betrays us. Tennis is boring, neither of us have ever baked a tuna casserole, and we both agree that Iggy Azalea sucks major ass.

But alas, that doesn't mean we're any better at being Mexican. No, in fact, we're pretty shitty Mexicans, too. Instead of tanning into bronze gods, we awkwardly burn until we look like blister-covered lobsters. We both love spicy foods, but neither of us have the intestinal fortitude to handle it, and even the medium-est of salsas is enough to make us feel like we got punched in the stomach by God himself.

And worst of all? We can't speak a word of Spanish.









In other words, we suck at this whole "race" and "culture" thing, but at least we have our own club, chock full of spicy hot enchiladas and American craft beer, simultaneously broadcasting hockey and Mexican weather forecasts. And for us, it's pretty damn awesome.

We're sure we can't be alone. Does anyone else suck at their own culture? Does your skin color betray you?

Cheers and stay classy, esés,
B&B

Music: Juan Mayer
Beer: Lagunitas



162 comments:

  1. Maybe you can make your own culture?
    I stand out in the South since I don't like Southern food, I don't drive a pickup, and hunting season appalls me. Oh, and I speak proper English. Yeah, I'm a target for sure.
    I hate coffee. Love football and spicy Thai food. (Grew up in Japan, so any Oriental food is good with me.) Not sure what that makes me.

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    1. "I don't have an accent. This is just how things sound when they're pronounced properly." - Jimmy Carr

      Try that one next time they make fun of you for not "talkin' Southern". Or... maybe that would just make it worse?

      We love spicy Thai food and football (American handegg, not soccer) too, so whatever that makes you, count us in.

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    2. Hello every one i want to share my testimony on how i belong to Illuminati member, a friend of mine that always give me money…cos he was very rich, one day he said he is not going to give me fish that he is going to teach me how to fish, so i was very happy, i never new he was a member of Illuminati all my life will spend together! so i was initiated to the Illuminati world and few days i was awarded a contract worth of millions of Dollars, in my business i am doing very well right now,i am now the one that give money out before it was heard, if you want to belong to us email us on { illuminatiricher666@gmail.com or +2348109756444

      Delete
  2. I have never invaded Poland despite the nations of origin of both sides of my family. I sort of felt like it once, but then my art career took off and the idea just never gelled.

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    1. Black folks are often like, "Bro, your ancestors were slave drivers. Doesn't that make you feel bad?" And I'm just like, "Dude, I only half owned you. My other Mexican half was too busy being raped by the Spaniards. Also, my other half is Spaniard, so I'm confused about this whole thing."

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  3. As far as I know I'm entirely white and completely British. I have a friend though who's a whole mix of European, even part Swedish. She's badass though so I think that she fits her race. As far as I go...damn I'm a terrible white person. The only thing that seems to be true of white people is that I enjoyed Friends. Remember though I was a teenager when that was on so it really appealed to me. I don't think I'd enjoy it as much if I went through it again today. You guys are like reverse daywalkers. Instead of getting all of the strengths and none of the weaknesses, you seem to be all weaknesses. No tanning, no Spanish, no love of what Americans think is Mexican food...you should go to Mexico and see how you fit in at the homeland.

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    1. I'd go to Mexico if it weren't for the fact that we'd probably get kidnapped and extorted (we look like rich white people... but are not), then when they found out we were just one of them they'd cut our heads off.

      Mexico: come for the rich culture, stay for the cartel-style decapitations.

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  4. I fit in no where if you go by culture as I'm a mutt. I have like 6 different things in me. I guess I'll have to create my own club here. Mutts with Nuts, no fixed ones allowed.

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    1. I have six different things in me too, but according to this team of very concerned medical doctors, only two of those are culture-related.

      Mutts with Nuts is great, but don't rule out fixing certain people. I know quite a few people who'd be better off spayed and/or neutered.

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  5. So many great words and phrases here: "a green card and a credit card," "bleached tortillas"...You might suck at being Mexican but you two make great mensches*, and you're both meshugenah** in the best of ways. I don't have the power to do so, and I suck at being Jewish - if you ask any observant Jew, but I nominate you honorary Jews.
    *gentlemen, the kind any Jewish mother and bubbeh would k'vell over her daughter marrying.
    **crazy in the best of ways.

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    1. Can I put that on a business card? "Bryan Pedas - Honorary Jew." I can use that after I tell a killer 'priest and a rabbi' joke, which I have the right to say as both a lapsed Mexican Catholic AND an honorary Jew.

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  6. "it's not all that easy being a bleached tortilla." You just made my day. Thank you.
    Hey, at least you know what you are! I'm adopted, so I have no idea. I have always wanted to be Italian, though, I grew up in Youngstown, Ohio, and all my friends were Italian. So most of the time I told people I was Italian. It was easy to believe, too, what with my pasty white skin and blonde hair.

    Yeah.

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    1. My wife (who is full Mexican) has nephews in Mexico, who are also full blooded Mexican... They're freckle-faced gingers. So if Carrot Top can be Mexican, then you can damn well be Italian.

      Delete
  7. Wouldn't a "bleached tortilla" just be a flour tortilla? The funniest part about this is the assumption that white people as a whole have a culture. But the whites do have a club, it's called the Illuminati!
    I took several semesters of high school and college Spanish (of course all I retained are the curse words) and still have no idea why it's necessary to use the upside down question mark and exclamation point. So that you start the sentence knowing the enunciation?

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    1. No a bleached tortilla is a corn tortilla that had its anus bleached.

      And I thought the white people's club was called congress?

      Delete
  8. Mexican girls were always attracted to me.

    My Brother and I played on a Summer baseball team once and never even realized that we were the only guys on the team who weren't Black.

    I guess that makes me an unobservant, spicy White guy.

    (I pretty much fit in everywhere. I don't care about the race of the people I party with. All I ask is that the beer be cold and the music hot.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Let me tell you a story. We come from a town so small and so redneck that the first time I ever saw a black person in person I was 13 years old. I was at the mall, standing by the door, waiting for a friend, and this black guy in a gigantic purple fedora hat, gaudy fur coat, and crystal cane comes swaggering my way. Like, the most ridiculous, exaggerated pimp walk you've ever seen. He reaches the door, and he asks me, "Young man, could you please open the door for me? I'd have a hell of a time with it."

      So I did, and he thanked me, and then he went on his way... only then did I notice he wasn't doing "the pimp walk." He was limping because of his club foot.

      So can I just say - disguising your club foot as being a pimp? That is fucking brilliant.

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  9. Well, at least you boys haven't betrayed the gay community.

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    1. We're eating 10,000 calories a day in our attempt to join the bear community. Alright, only 100 more lbs to go! Each!

      Delete
  10. I'm half Irish and Native American. I had a black man stop me once, to tell me I was more of a minority than him. I asked how so, He said "a tan red head is as unheard of as a black man in Eastern Kentucky." He had a point. I suck at being white too. I hate coffee, baseball, polo shirts, while I liked Friends I detest The Big Bang Theory (the show not the theory) My ex husband was a chemist, it was like living the show. Not so funny when it real life.

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    1. No, FUCK THAT STUPID THEORY! (Actually, we both hate that show too. The Big Bang Theory - the dumbest 'smart person' show on television!)

      I'm a very small part Native American, and the only thing I inherited from that was the ridiculously smooth facial skin that never grows hair. So, to reiterate, still cannot get the slightest hint brown, and I also can't grow a beard like a real man. I truly get the worst of each culture.

      Being a tan redhead is awesome. Well, unless you're Carrot Top.

      Delete
    2. Sorry I keep jumping in. If you don't like my comments you can delete them. I don't mind. My kids have red hair. Favorite Young Man has a permanent tan. The Hurricane tends to be pale because she lives near San Francisco, but she can tan.

      Delete
    3. I hate The Big Bang Theory. Hate it. We geniuses are not like that at all.

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    4. "Hyuck hyuck, they're geniuses so they're all socially inept and bad with women and talk like nasally nerd stereotypes! And omg did he just reference the Pythagorean theorem? This show is TOTALLY for smart people! Stupid people would never understand this!"

      (Oh, and jump in wherever! We love seeing you around here)

      ((Also, can EVERYONE tan but us?))

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    5. No. I've known some people who can't tan at all.

      Delete
  11. Yes you guys are screwed.I am so pale that my friend once said I needed sun...when i showed her my tan line from my watch, she just blinked at me and had no idea what to say. I am that white. I grew up in a small little town with 4 churches-yup 4! My dad was a true blue lumberman who married a kraut...aka German gal. I was a pale shy girl who still spoke her mind saying she loved classical music, art and old movies...I got beat up allot. I enjoyed Friends even though I wanted to bitch slap Jennifer Aniston but I can't stand The Big Bang Theory. I was in that life in University days and had fun in University but don't want to see the same freaks on the screen

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    1. My wife's a light skinned Mexican, so when she stays in during the winter I like making fun of her for almost being as pale as I am. Almost. I'm so white I bet the reflection off my skin could melt snow.

      You were a brave soul, telling others you love classical music, art, movies, etc. In our small, podunk town their idea of art would be a front yard toilet garden.

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  12. I'm still chuckling at "bleached tortilla' which is what I'm calling my Gringo Blanco half-Puerto Rican husband from now on. Who is totally one of YOU. He looks whiter than white rice, but has only ever gotten a 'sunburn' from a tan bed. Long story. He took high school Spanish, but only knows what I call "menu Spanish" now. If you can't eat it, he can't say it.
    I'm Polish and Irish, and I'd love to say I suck at those but I drink like an alky fish and I screw everything up so yeah, I'm a damn stereotype. I DO suck at being white though, I hate Starbucks, don't have a Costco or Sam's Club card & hate anything remotely preppy. Although I AM a work-at-home-mom who drives a minivan and writes a blog, so.........

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    1. I don't need a minivan, no matter how many kids I have. I'm just going to shove 8 people into a 2 door Honda Civic hatchback as God intended it.

      Also, "menu Spanish" might be my new favorite term. We are both extremely fluent in that.

      Delete
  13. Maybe next time the ought to try spanish language classes first.

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    1. Hoy yo tengo un sueno!

      Yo tengo un sueño que un día en Alabama, con sus racistas viciosos, con su Governador con sus labios goteando palabras de interposición y nulificación, un día allí en Alabama los pequeños negros, niños y niñas, podrán unir las manos con pequeños blancos, niños y niñas, como hermanos y hermanas.

      Hoy yo tengo un sueno!

      Yo tengo un sueño que algun día cada valle será elevado, y cada colina y montaña serán hechas llanas. Los lugares más ásperos serán aplanados y los lugares torcidos serán hechos rectos, “y la gloria de Dios será revelada y todo género humano se verá junto.

      Esta es nuestra esperanza. Esta es la fé con la cual yo regreso al Sur. Con esta fé podremos labrar de la montaña de la desesperación, una piedra de esperanza. Con esta fé podremos transformar el sonido discordante de nuestra nación en una hermosa sinfonía de hermandad. Con esta fé podremos trabajar juntos, rezar juntos, luchar juntos, ir a la cárcel juntos, pararse juntos por la libertad, sabiendo que algún día seremos libres, y este es el día. Este será el día cuando todos los hijos de Dios podrán cantar con nuevos sentidos “Mi País es de ti, dulce tierra de libertad a ti yo canto. Tierra donde mi padre murió, tierra del orgullo de los peregrinos, de cada lado de la montaña, dejemos resonar la libertad.” Y si América va a ser una grande nación, ésto tendrá que hacerse realidad.

      Entonces dejen resonar la libertad desde la cima de los montes prodigiosos de New Hampshire; dejen resonar la libertad desde las poderosas montañas de New York; dejen resonar la libertad desde las alturas de las Alleghenies de Pennsylvania; dejen resonar la
      libertad desde las rocas cubiertas de nieve de Colorado; dejen resonar la libertad desde las curvosas cuestas de California. Pero no sólo ésto. Dejen resonar la libertad de la Montaña de Piedra de Georgia; dejen resonar la libertad desde la montaña Lookout de Tennessee; dejen resonar la libertad desde cada colina y montaña de Mississippi. “De cada lado de montaña dejen resonar la libertad.” Y cuando ésto pase y cuando dejemos resonar la libertad, cuando la dejemos resonar de cada aldea y cada caserío, de cada estado y cada ciudad, podemos apurar el día en que todos los hijos de Dios, hombre negro y hombre blanco, Judíos y Cristianos, Protestantes y Católicos, podemos unir nuestras manos y cantar en las palabras del viejo espiritual Negro: “Libre al Fin, Libre al Fin; Gracias Dios Omnipotente, somos libres al fin.”

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  14. I'm as white as sliced bread, but I still hate Starbucks coffee. McDonalds used to have the best until they went all McCafe on me. I used to think white people had cornered the market on racism until I got to college. A friend of mine, who was black, said she HAD to get home for Thanksgiving because her cousin was bringing home his girlfriend- and his girlfriend's name was Jessica and there weren't any black girls named Jessica and if the girl was white, there was going to be fireworks and she didn't want to miss them.

    I was shocked. I thought only old white grandmas got their panties in a bunch over interracial relationships. It was good to know we're all a little screwed up.

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    1. Oh yes. I know a Laotian Asian guy who once almost got disowned by his family for dating a Vietnamese Asian girl.

      Racism - alive and well and as nitpicky as ever!

      Delete
  15. This comment has been displaced by my terrible memory. I now have a disjointed lyric running through my head from a song I don't really remember by a band whose name I also don't remember. And it's driving me crazy! I've even scrolled through the names of bands on the internet, certain I will know it if I see it (apparently not). But the gist of the lyric is that we all feel like we don't belong here because this place is not our home. And, no, it's not a Christian band/song. I'd swear it was from a band that was popular in the late 80s, more likely early 90s. And I want to say the band started with "T," though that is quite possibly wrong. It's not Tonic. But it was some sort of un-pop rock band. Anyway, I think most people feel like they don't belong. Or at least lots of people.

    As someone who's moved around more than the average person I've experienced a sense of displacement so frequently that it feels normal.

    To, once again, get all serious on you... I think that human beings long for two things simultaneously that can't coexist with one another. We want to belong. We want to stand out and be different, better, more amazing than the next guy. Or maybe the average guy. (You know the one we wanted to "belong" with in the first thought.) Eventually we come to terms (I think) with the idea that these two desires are irreconcilable. Many people decide that they want to belong more than they want to stand out. I suppose there's nothing wrong with that, but I want to achieve excellence in Something. That means not belonging. I'm okay with that.

    One last thought, I did like Friends. I'm not ashamed of that either. I also really liked Cougar Town in its first few seasons. Less as it has gone on. BUT, many people didn't watch that one just because of the name (which was deceptive) and the show now mocks it in every opening sequence.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=j5TRL9zVMqk

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=RKVj3YrBclo

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    1. Hmmm, starts with a T... Tool? Trapped? Tenacious D? The Bloodhound Gang?

      I've been out in public, and I don't want to belong. Go to a Wal-mart at any time of day, absorb the quality of people waddling around, and then realize being different is fucking excellent.

      Also, I just don't really care for shows that have cheesy laugh tracks. That always seems to take away from the joke. And you should be pleased to hear that while I'd never wanted to see Cougar Town (based on the title alone) every clip you've showed me so far I've enjoyed. Dammit.

      Delete
    2. None of those Ts are right. If I ever think of it, I'll tell you. It probably won't start with "T" and you'll be like, "Well duh." Anyway, that's that.

      Now, on to Cougar Town... which was a great show in its first three seasons. I wasn't enamored with the fourth. And this, the 5th is the last... so we'll see. Anywhoozle, did I show you this one? Ellie is my FAV-O-RITE character on that show. She kills it all the time.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=7YSNONBl9vA

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    3. Ha, not only did you show us that video, you dedicated it to us before! And as snarky, sarcastic assholes... well, we appreciated that more than you could ever know. *wipes tear*

      Delete
  16. Born in WV, raised in OH. They called me a hillbilly for my whole life, even though 95% of that life was in OH.

    Then, as an adult, I move South. Not all that much farther south, mind you. Immediately, I was "the yankee."

    (I also hate Starbucks, love spicy but can't handle anything but mild, and think the whole race/ethnic thing is a pain in everyone's hiney. Be yourself.)

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    1. Did you need an interpreter? I find that the further south you go, the less likely you are to understand them. "Say, Cletus, what you just said... that was English, right?"

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    2. I believe the correct hillbilly vernacular would be: "You IS a hillbilly."

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    3. It's okay thems hillbilly words ain't always easy to enuncimitate.

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  17. My hubs has the same problem - with a First Nations (Native) mother and an English dad, he looks like your typical white man too. We get stares at the native gatherings, but the Scottish and English whites can't tell the difference so no problem there. Funny thing is, we get treated somewhat better at the First Nations events. As for me, three lines of Scottish runs in my blood so I love bagpipes, oatmeal and Gabaldon stories. Also all the relatives have that Scots clannish nature (you aren't from around here, are you?) I think mixed blood is stronger genetically, however, and eventually the differentiation will make no difference. . .say in the year 2099. . .
    One of my best friends years ago was full Mexican from New Mexico - her name was Rosita. Her mom was an awesome cook!

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    1. I don't know a Mexican mom that isn't an awesome cook. Positive racial stereotypes - oh yeah!

      I can only imagine how weird a First Nations event would be for your husband. It's weird for either of us to go into a carniceria (Mexican mart, basically). We often get weird looks, especially when buying ingredients for authentic Mexican dishes. I always get that look like "Who sent you? And who told you about ceviche?"

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  18. I think your Mexican sensibility has saved you from buying into the worst parts of cracker culture. And it has enabled you to see past the false superiority held my many ignorant white folks. That's not a bad thing. It's nice to find someone else who despises Friends. That show sucked donkey balls.

    I am a bit sad for you though that you aren't accepted in the Mexican community. The culture and the people seem more passionate and colourful than white culture. And they have rhythm whereas white guys just don't.

    My daughter does suffer a bit as her grandparents want her to be totally American. They push really hard for her to have their sensibility and values. But she is half American and is going to marry a full blooded Native American. She cares about the direction America is going in and she votes. She actually has more problems with Irish people. We can be horrible snobs about what is is "to be Irish". Her accent is American so that makes it harder for her. Our adopted son is fully American and he has no confusion over his heritage.

    Her husband's family keep to themselves and don't often venture into the white world. They don't live on a reservation. They own their own land in the woods and built their own house. There is nothing white about them. It will be interesting to see how their children cope. We won't pressure our grandchildren to be one thing or the other. If they completely adopt the Native American culture that's fine with us.

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    1. That should say future husband.

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    2. That's awesome. Good for you. I love being able to adopt both cultures, with no pressure to just "pick" one or the other. That's not how this whole thing works!

      Also, we're not totally excluded from the Mexican community. Well, I'm not. Being married to a Mexican woman helps. Now when I go to family events I'm much more accepted. And yes, the culture is a blast. So much jovial yelling - I love it. It beats a quiet, repressed WASP-style dinner where people drop duds like, "So... does anyone have anything interesting they'd like to talk about?" You'll never hear that in a Mexican household.

      It does suck with strangers, though. If the wife and I go to an authentic Mexican restaurant, the server will almost always start speaking Spanish to the wife and just act like I don't exist.

      "Ha ha, that conversation sounded funny... NOW WHAT THE FUCK DID SHE SAY ABOUT ME?"

      Delete
  19. I think this is one of the biggest reason conservative rednecks are unreasonably against any immigration. They're afraid the Hispanic men are going to start dating white women.

    I do love laughing at them being against Hispanics speaking Spanish at all. Learning English can't be done in a day.

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    1. But between "the blacks" and "the Mexicans," who will keep our white women safe? Oh no!

      I eagerly await the day some idiot redneck overhears my wife speaking Spanish and says something stupid like, "This is 'Murka why ain't you speakin' English?" and then she tells them off in perfect, unaccented English that she's known her whole life. Then I can point out that she knows two languages fluently and I bet he's not even above a 5th grade level in just one.

      Delete
  20. It's so true. White people complain about immigrants taking their jobs but half the time it's jobs they don't want in the first place!!

    This reminds me of that Dave Chappelle racial draft skit to determine what race mixed people belonged too. "Tiger Woods now 100% black". It's like people need to figure out what race someone is otherwise it hurts their poor little brains.

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    1. Hey, just look at Obama, our black president. Forget that he's half white - that dude is totally black. Because we all magically decided so. His white half has essentially been vetoed. How's THAT for democracy in action?

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    2. And he wasn't even raised by his black father! His grandparents who took care of him in Hawaii moved there from Atchison, Kansas. I bet they just about shit themselves when their daughter married a black guy. I know because I grew up in Kansas. It might be better now.

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    3. False! Nothing ever gets better in Kansas. It only gets worse and worse.*

      *my experience driving through Kansas

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    4. Did you drive through western Kansas? That's where it gets much worse.

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    5. Actually we did. We were both on a road trip from Chicago back to Colorado and drove straight through Kansas. East Kansas was bad, but western Kansas was just a special type of terrible. But we figured that was just an optical illusion made by some 6-7 hours driving through flat nothingness.

      Delete
  21. So I'm half Viking and half Jew. All it explains is my craving for pastry and salmon. I don't speak Norwegian or Hebrew and part of me wants to sail the seven seas while the other part wants to live in a desert. Is there any hope for me?

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    1. Wait, so you're talking about an adventure through the desert and across the seas, where we'll eat delicious seafood and decadent pastries? I want in on that and I'm not either of those ethnicities!

      Delete
  22. My family is at least seven things that we know of, a mix of Jewish gringo and Apache, which puts me at pale yellow. But I speak Spanish. Which is fun when people think I can't understand them.

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    1. I'm not even kidding when I say that probably the main reason I want to learn Spanish is out of spite, so I can hear what they say about me when they think I don't understand.

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  23. Oh, and the Zimmermans and Lehmanns in my family swear that they're not Jewish. Really.

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    1. Just please don't be related to George Zimmerman. Please?

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  24. Brandon & Bryan:
    ROFLMAO...hey. we're ALL "mongrels" under the surface...some just hide it better than others.
    The cartoons are MARVELOUS...had me damn near falling off the chair.

    There used to be a term for the uber-whites. - WASPS...never knew what happened to that reference...
    (just faded away like an old general)

    Hey, I;m part Pennsylvania Dutch, Scottish, British, and whatever else came in those blood transfusions I got as a child during surgery (burst appendix)...musta been ITALIAN...I make damn good spaghetti sauce and Strombolis...LOL!

    Another excellent view at our humanity, guys.

    Well received.
    Stay safe out there.

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    1. Wow, that's great! If I'd have known that's all I had to do to learn to make a good stromboli I'd have ruptured my appendix years ago!

      (Oh, and as always, thanks for the kind words!)

      Delete
  25. ¡Ah, son Mexicanos! Muy bien. Hablo Castellano un poco. Aprendo para mi viaje a Perú este verano, pero es muy difícil. ¿Por qué no hablan Castellano?

    Wow it took me like five minutes to retrieve all the required words and grammar rules from my memory, despite doing a lesson (audio courses, woo) only a couple hours ago.
    There's no such thing as being white though. You're thinking of snobs, idiots, assholes, etc.

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    1. Ha! Why not speak Castilian? Because I don't think the Mehicanos around me would understand very well...

      And pssh, of course white is a culture. Next thing you're going to tell me, being black isn't a culture, and that people with dark skin come from all kinds of places and celebrate all kinds of different cultures.

      Delete
  26. First guys, I enjoyed the "I have a dream today !" post to lady lil. Awesome stuff going on there.

    Don't be breaking bad on squeeze boxes, as I play accordian. Starbucks does suck - I make my own or do without. Never knew there was a while people club - I wouldn't qualify anyway - you gotta have money/status too.
    Do you really wear Uggs? Tennis is for sissies. (Did I spell that right?)

    !Por favor - Maria has a mustache - nice touch. "Grassy-Ass" works for me - that's funny. I guess you don't really give two honks about the weather. Do they ever feature a nice MALE hunk?

    The nickname, "Dixie" used to bring loads of grief. You might know the song of the same name? Well, it was written by five freed black male slaves in a place called , Dixieland, NY. Try telling the southern white peeps this history bit and they go ballistic. Tell the black history peeps and they turn, "a whiter shade of pale." (remember that song, right?)

    Yes, I live in the south, raised in the inner city. My parents moved to the country in my teen years. I could never fit in. These country kids were a different white people than I'd known. I don't know how to explain... just as well... I "ain't" gonna change. Fast forward and my current neighborhood is like my childhood... it's so damn comfortable.. what the hell is wrong with people? It's 2015 - for crying out loud.

    Great post - sadness but lots of humor. Your 'toons always cracks me up.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Nah, no breaking bad on squeeze boxes. Only our ability to play. And I'm sure what you play is a lot more lovely than the Mexican polka we hear blasting from the cholos' low riders.

      A Whiter Shade of Pale - Procol Harum (gezundheit!). I do remember. And Maria has a mean mustache, but you should see the hair on her lower back. Like a sponge of black hair just soaking up sweat. Poor Maria. It doesn't help that it's jet black and stands out that much more because of it.

      So Dixie is your real nickname? A lot of bloggers create nicknames just for their blog, so I'd always wondered about that. And so the mystery that is Dixie begins to unravel...

      Delete
  27. Hola! Hehe, I'm actually the product of a 6 foot tall Pennsylvania Dutch lady. And a 5'7" Philippino fella. I look, act and was raised white. I'm also kinda a racist, but to the super white. I'm really comfy with tan/yellow folks. Unless I'm actually in their neighborhood, living there.

    I'm moving to the woods........

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What an awesomely colorful background, and I'll join you on that whole white-washed thing. Even my full blooded Mexican wife is pretty white-washed. Which is funny, considering that we are also racist against the super white. Yet we live in suburbia. I never said we were smart at being white.

      Delete
  28. I've looked into my genealogy several times before, going back MANY generations. Trust me, I'm the whitest of the white. I'm so white, even white people look at me and go: "Wow. You're really white!" English, Welsh, Scottish, Irish, Danish, and German blood all run rampant through my veins on both sides. Oh, and in more recent generations, I'm a quarter Canadian. Yikes, right?

    I can tan, a little. But since I hate super hot weather, I generally avoid the outdoors during the months when tanning would normally be expected to happen. I drive a white mini van, and I've even attended several play groups in my neighborhood. Very, very white.

    But in my defense, I've never worn argyle sweater vests or polo shirts, I hate tennis and golf, and I definitely agree that Taco Bell is neither Mexican, nor is it food. Also, I can honestly say that I have never once set foot inside a Starbucks. Not even to use the restroom or ask for directions.

    I definitely have NO interest whatsoever in joining the "White People's Club", though. What a bunch of squares!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Squares"? Wow, you are white! That's okay, I'm as white as you in spirit. Just please don't rub it in that you can tan a little. Hearing that the whitest woman on the planet can still tan better than a half Mexican guy makes me feel like an uber square. :(

      Delete
    2. "The Uber Squares." Hmmmm...wasn't that some kind of banjo group in the 1950's?

      Delete
    3. No it was a 1960s all male kazoo quartet. And boy did they play like a bunch of squares. Sufficed to say, they're kinda my favorite band of all time, right up there with They Might Be Giants and Amy Grant. #JustWhitePeopleThings

      Delete
    4. Oh, that's right. My mistake. I think they actually had a reunion tour a few years ago, didn't they? Or was that their cover band, "Squarely Uber"?

      Delete
    5. I think it was. Not to be confused with "The Square Ubers", a gaggle of Uber drivers who use their square-shaped Honda Elements to cart people around* the city for cheap.

      *drunkenly assault them in a Wal-mart parking lot

      Delete
    6. Oh yeah! I forgot about those guys! I was so glad to hear that they finally beat those assault charges. Well, all but Knuckles, but he was kind of the ring leader.

      Delete
    7. Yeah they did! If they beat those assault charges any harder they'd be Chris Brown!

      ...That's a little assault humor. I hear it's a big hit with all of Knuckles' victims. God rest their souls.

      Delete
    8. Not bad. I think Knuckles would definitely approve. If he had access to a computer in his solitary holding cell. Which he doesn't. Anymore. Not since he took one apart and used all the metal parts to make himself a new set of brass knuckles, which he promptly used to beat the crap out of everyone on his cell block.

      Poor Knuckles. Too bad his daddy never hugged him, things could have been so different. And he might have chosen a different career had his drunken mother named him just about anything besides "Knuckles." She never really gave him the chance he deserved to be a world-renowned florist...or a banker.

      Delete
    9. Yeah, like Freud I blame his mother. A name is everything. Just as you never see a "Brock" who's a neurosurgeon, you also never see a "Norbert" who's a tattooed powerlifting champion. Poor Knuckles never stood a chance.

      Delete
    10. Yeah, "Brock" is a barista. Or a gym-dwelling, weight-lifting 'roids junkie. And "Norbert" would be very appropriate as the name of a guy that legally changes his name as soon as he reaches the age of 18.

      Delete
  29. My family are a mix..I'm a mutt! Dad's family is Scottish and Irish. Mom's family is redneck hillbilly from Ohio and West Virginia and a little Native American a few generations back. I might not be mexican but I can make a mean enchilada casserole and homemade tacos that will make your mouth water.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Then consider yourself an honorary Mexican! I know actual Mexicans that can't even do that (sorry mom).

      Also, why is it that I keep hearing in the comments that people are part Native American and part hillbilly? I didn't even think those two groups liked each other.

      Delete
  30. Could be worse. You only suck at two cultures. Except for being a pretty good "international" cook, I'm a square-peg-in-a-round-hole failure in lots more cultures than that. And on top of not matching any of the cultures in my background, one of my daughters-in-law is black, so now I'm proving myself to be totally useless at fixing my grandkids' frizzy hair. Multiple braids? Forget it! (Well, not that I do any better with any other kinda hair...)

    Still, all-in-all, I LOVE that you... and I... and lots more of us... DON'T perfectly match any stereotype. A melting pot it is, then. Too bad there aren't more people like us. We could, um, form our OWN stereotype...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I love that whole melting pot thing too. I can celebrate Thanksgiving with the Mexican side (and eat tacos and tamales instead of turkey, which is infinitely better in my books) and then have Christmas with the white side. I think making your own culture is so much more fun, anyway.

      I have a black cousin, and it's hilarious, especially for pictures. Here's the whitest guy on the planet, next to his black cousin (complete with afro and pick in his hair) and beside them is their Mexican grandmother. If that isn't family diversity, I don't know what is!

      Delete
  31. Well I am now half English and half Canadian, where does that put me eh? As for food, I like most foods so I'm OK there except that the idea of poutine makes me feel nauseated. As for accents, when people comment on mine I correct them, this isn't an accent, it's the original sound.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I've never had poutine, but it half sounds awesome and half sounds like something that would make me spend the rest of my night hunched over the toilet praying for mercy.

      Also, that answer regarding accents is awesome. I love it. "I don't have an accent, you're just bad at pronouncing things correctly."

      Delete
  32. Buenas dias. I don't think I have a culture other than "introvert," a.k.a. Do NOT ring my doorbell. Racism is pretty easily accessible unless your name is Muffy or Skipper and you're playing tennis at the country club, wearing all white, of course. I can't count the number of times I've been asked if I'm Chinese or Japanese or "something." It was worse when I was a kid. One girl said she hated me because I was one of the people we were fighting in Vietnam. Guess what!? My ancestry is a little bit German, but mostly Norwegian. The indigenous people of Norway are Samis. They look kinda Oriental or Asian. Many Norwegian families have some Sami blood. I didn't know that when I was little kid. I was just embarrassed--a lot. As for Spanish, it can be learned, if you want to learn it. Doesn't matter to me. I speak Spanish with anyone who has an accent. No one has ever asked what's wrong with me. They seem to enjoy it that la Gringa tries so hard.

    Te amo,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I have a fantastic Spanish accent... I just don't know Spanish. I know, what a waste, right? I can even roll my Rrrrrrrs.

      My wife is often asked "what kind of Japanese" she is, because she has (I guess) just slightly squinty eyes. But anyone that looks at her can tell she's full Mexican, so I suppose that's just my way of saying that it doesn't take much for a moron to ask if someone is Asian.

      Delete
    2. Oh, fun fact: she once was befriended by 3 Asian girls in high school. And they were her friends up until they found out she wasn't Asian (they thought she was). At which point they immediately stopped hanging out with her.

      Racism - alive and well! True fucking story!

      Delete
  33. Interesting post..I think it comes down to being comfortable in your own skin no matter what culture is blooming on you ancestral tree. As long as you are a strong tree with deep roots you will thrive and grow. Or if you are flexible like a willow tree you will always be able to bend with the wind. All this talk of Mexico is making me want to sip a margarita I do enjoy that salty concoction.

    Oh, and the title was very clever To Bean or Not to Bean..that is the question...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like being flexible. As I mentioned above, it's fun to just kind of make your own culture and create new traditions while still preserving the old. And really, what's more fun than speaking Spanglish while eating Meximerican food with loved ones?

      Make mine a strawberry margarita, blended, with cane sugar on the glass. I'm a fancy gal like that.

      Delete
    2. Two margarita's coming up ..would you like a fancy umbrella as well..oh wait wrong drink..smiling....I like those giant olives in my margarita. Perhaps, a Corona might work as you are the beer guys.

      Hey why not create new traditions as well as keeping some of the old traditions in place. I like that a lot.

      Delete
    3. I say fancy umbrellas go in any drink, even a Corona. And I'll take an olive, but only if it comes with one of those tiny cocktail swords that I can wave around like Zorro after I'm done.

      Delete
    4. "Who Was That Masked Man" with the green olives..I always liked Zorro...mysterious and intriguing..

      Delete
  34. Well you can't so you just have one option.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I pick white! No, I pick Mexican! No, wait! Why is this so hard? Why must I choose?

      Delete
  35. And my story for this topic:

    I used to work for a heavily Mexicanized company with a pair of about fifth generation white boys like yourselves named Velez. The younger and not-so-bright one got in an argument with the real Mexicans. He turned to me and said, "Why are they calling me an Oreo?" I told him, "Because you're Mexican on the outside and white on the inside." He said, "I am not! My grandpa rode with Poncho Villa!" His brother rolled his eyes and laughed. "I don't know where he gets that," He told me.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I bet he also makes a totally authentic nacho cheese burrito just like grandma used to make for Cesar Chavez when she was kickin' it with him in the fields.

      Delete
  36. Ohhh yes. I'm a vegetarian italian, which is pretty bad. But then I also recently stopped eating refined carbs, so pasta and italian bread are also out. It's surprising my family talks to me.

    Burritos though. Yum.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You won't eat carbs, but when you do, you eat vegetarian burritos? I think you're even worse at being Italian than we are at being Mexican.

      No judgment, though. Your comment made me want to try a spaghetti burrito, and I'm kinda considering trying it out. Yeah, it's a real thing.

      Spaghetti Burrito

      Delete
  37. I bet you're better white boys than I am.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't doubt it. When I think "hood," I automatically think Andrew "Gol'-Chains" Leon, bustin' a muh-fuckin' cap in the written word.

      Delete
  38. Y'all need to move to San Antonio! There are plenty of you here. Everywhere. Lots of other blends, too. It's only the ones that hang out at the far ends of the number line that you need to watch out for. Everyone else here is super friendly.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And here I thought everyone in Texas has a gun and spits on Mexicans. Have ridiculous comedy TV/movie stereotypes lied to me?

      Delete
    2. My oldest sister works for and with Mexicans in Texas. They are richer than God. They helped her become wealthy, too. When they started their business (I won't say what it is) they went to buy a special kind of very expensive truck. No one at the business would help them except one guy. He is also well off now because he gets all their business with trucks and equipment. Some people are rude to them, but they probably regret it.

      Delete
    3. Funny how people don't think Mexicans have money. The wife has family on her mother's side that live in Mexico and are richer than God. They have a mansion that's surrounded by a 20 foot, electrified wall, and from time to time they find the fried bodies of people trying to break in.

      Remind me why booby traps are illegal in this country?

      Delete
  39. I agree with Robyn that both of you are mensches! Though my husband and I are both Jewish, ours is almost like a mixed marriage, because he was raised Orthodox. He was brought up in a kosher home, and never even tried McDonald's until he was in college (which was probably a good thing, though once you've tasted forbidden fruit...). Anyway, our wedding had a few moments that
    could've been straight out of Fiddler On The Roof. I had to beg my friends to stay after some of his
    long bearded relatives did their improvised dance number. My point is that there were so many aspects of Judiasm that I never knew before, and I'm constantly learning new things. Still, I can't read a lick of Hebrew, and barely remember any Spanish after studying it in high school, and
    college. Los amigos es muy intelligente, y humoroso! See what I mean?!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It doesn't help that I just misspelled Judaism. Feel better?

      Delete
    2. Sí, somos inteligentes. Somos inteligentes como payasos.

      What you said is so true. I realized that I barely knew anything about Mexican culture until I married my wife (whose family is full Mexican). They also love to laugh at me for all of the things I learn. Like, how was I to know that a gordita is not a hard taco within a soft taco as Taco Bell has taught me, and is in fact a delicious fried masa patty stuffed with cheese and salsa?

      Delete
  40. I had no idea that Friends is only considered funny by white people. I thought it was a timeless, borderless classic.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. No, it really does have borders. Like, it's insanely creepy without the laugh track.

      Friends Without Laugh Track

      Delete
    2. I've never seen Friends or Happy Days or most of the shows that everyone else seemed to watch. I'm a pseudo intellectual.

      Delete
    3. You never even watched the Happy Days episode where Fonzie finally "jumped the shark"? My favorite is the outtake where he doesn't actually make it.

      Jumpin' the shark

      Delete
    4. You really have to teach us how to include links in comments.

      Delete
    5. The secret is to believe that the link is really there, using the gift of magic. And LSD.

      Delete
  41. I am an extremely white Italian. I get ya...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Judge not an Italian by her skin, but by her ability to make the perfect meatball... amen.

      Delete
  42. Ok Ok, those upside down question marks do blow my mind, every time. It's like I need to know how to do it, just so I can! Gah! Awesome post!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. ¿You know what the secret is? Just google it, then copy and paste. ¡Super easy!

      Delete
  43. ¡¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¿¡¡¡¡¡¡ si señor - Googled it, Found it, Tried it - Liked it.

    Now… I read absolutely every word… but… right at the part where you both confessed you didn't think Friends was funny was where I realized you are gods and I worship you.

    I'll have a Big Mac and a side of Tacos please… (um, make that Schnitzel and Sauerkraut)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. How about a schnitzel taco?

      And I think a majority of people only think Friends is funny because of the laugh track. Just watch it without. It's especially awful. And awkward.

      Friends Without Laugh Track Again

      Delete
    2. Okay, I just had to click on the link… then, I just had to watch… then I just had to puke. Seriously.
      But then, it might'a been that schnitzel taco not sitting well with no laugh track to work it through my 20 feet of sausage casing.

      Delete
  44. GRRRR! I actually had a long response, but a refresh killed it!!!!!

    Being a Chicagoan living in Germany, I fit in alright until I talk. My Germanglish throws them off. As for television, I rarely watch German television. I have a computer hooked up to the TV to watch my shows... even FRIENDS! That show cracks me up, but you can keep the non-humorous popular show, Sex in the City. Never smiled or let a laugh watching those dingbats.

    Auf Wiedersehen! Adios! Bye!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That is SUCH a Samantha thing to say of you.

      No, I'm just kidding, we hate that show too. But we're dudes so that kinda comes with the gender.

      "German television"... that's something that's never crossed my mind. It can't be as bad as Spanish language TV, right? I mean, when the Spanish channel is typically overacted telenovelas, cheesy sitcoms with 'sproing' sound effects, and game shows where the woman always has a huge ass and is always being molested by the host, I never have an urge to watch the so-called 'shows' of my cultural roots.

      Delete
  45. Don't worry. I'm not a big fan of the Starbucks either. I think it tastes like it's burnt.

    And I HATED Friends.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you! Neither of us understands the fascination with that show. I can't even say it's because it's a show about white people complaining about nothing, because Seinfeld did that, but Seinfeld was at least funny.

      Delete
  46. So it doesn't get lost in this maze of comments, (Really, how do you keep up?????) I'm moving once again to the end of the line. Here is a link to my TV blog (one could argue that I'm just trying to bolster readership on this blog that I love, but has so few followers, but I'm not (well, maybe a little).... by directing to you today's post (a short Cougar Town clip) and a post preceding (not directly, but by one) that is a different Cougar Town clip. I think you'll enjoy them both:)

    http://tvjunctionfunction.blogspot.com/

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, if you're gonna bolster, then BOLSTER! Advertise! Link it up! We don't mind!

      For a good time, head on over to http://tvjunctionfunction.blogspot.com/, home of TV badassery and Hollywood hooliganism!

      Delete
  47. I just realized that I misused the parenthesis in an abominable way in the above comment. Yikes.

    ReplyDelete
  48. I'd say, go drink another beer and don't worry about it. ;0)

    ReplyDelete
  49. If it's of any consolation, I'm 1/2 Irish and 1/2 Polish. I don't make pierogies and I don't make mulligan stew. I love Mexican food (real kind) and if you give me a med rare porterhouse steak with an ice cold Heinie I'll love you forever. I don't speak Polish, don't speak Gaelic but I know a boatload of curse words in English!! Lol. You guys are great no matter what the hell you are.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We know all of the Spanish swear words... and the names of Spanish dishes ("menu Spanish" - as awesomely taught to us by Joy Christi above). We're also a master of English swear words. But you know what I bet would be fun to know? Polish swear words. I bet just by the pronunciation alone they sound 100% more angry and aggressive.

      Delete
  50. I'm black from the waist down...um can I say that on here?
    Irish and German on the top half,
    Jewish in the wallet,
    and 100% American.
    I like all beer, all food (unless it's made from guts) and all women (unless they eat guts)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But the beer's okay if it's made from guts?

      You can say whatever you want here! Just don't be Asian while driving.

      Delete
  51. Hahahahaha!!!!! Tears. I. Am. Laaaaaughing.

    I seriously love you guys.

    Also. I'm not sure which one of you comes to my blog--whether it's one of you, or both of you, or if there really isn't two of you at all (though wait… I've seen pictures… so I know you both exist…) BUT... I want to say thanks for being awesome and for somehow having a heart along *with* the humor, because it's clear that you both (?) have that. ;-)

    So happy to hear you guys are rocking the writing right now (while still putting up hilarious posts). I can't wait to watch all the amazing things that come your way. Because they're coming. :)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Why thank you. We'd like to think the humor comes from the heart, and yes, we both have hearts, even if one is black and withered and the other was harvested from an elderly baboon.

      As to which of us stops by your blog, that's easy. It's the one that's man enough to admit he watched the Lego Movie and enjoyed the hell out of it. And still sings its stupid theme song.

      We sure do hope big things are coming our way this year. As we told our agent, our goal for year's end is 4 novels finished. Two are half way done, and the others are just getting started, so I'd say we're on the right track. We hope 2015 treats you well also, and that we finally get to read some of these awesome non-blog-related words you keep writing! You can't hide them from us forever.

      Delete
    2. Haaaaaa. The lego clue still doesn't help much….. somehow I think you both fit into that category…

      AND FOUR NOVELS?!?!?!? That's incredible. I'm excited for you guys. Star power. <-----That's what you have. :) And it's been an interesting year for me. After a year of being on sub with my first agent, we kindly parted ways and now that I've signed with a new agency, I hope sub goes better this time around… the joys of this process… (Can I even talk about this out loud? It's hard to know what's appropriate writer talk or not… Have you done a post on this? Confusing writer etiquette?) :)

      XOXO

      Delete
    3. Okay, how's this? It's the tall, dark, and handsome one.

      Hey, at least you're A) out on submission now and B) parted ways kindly. We did not part kindly with our first agent, and still like to symbolically give him the finger from time to time. He strung us along for a full 2 years saying he was going to put us out on submission, and instead, screwed around doing nothing, submitting to only one small publisher while ducking his clients. Even though he told us great, unknown writers like ourselves were the reason he was an agent, the only thing he sold that year was Bristol Palin's baby daddy book. What a great guy, huh?

      We've since moved on to a MUCH better agent, but this was our post where we ranted about the process, and forged ahead and released that novel independently (which was very successful).

      The Bookseller's Bottom Bitch

      In other words, you're damn right we can talk about this stuff out loud! And we can complain if we want to! Too many people walk on eggshells when it comes to agents and the submission process. They aren't gods, they're just talented people that need US to make sales. So as we always tell people, it's not about you just finding any agent and hopefully making a sale, it's about you finding the RIGHT agent.

      So we hope your new agent is the one, and doesn't just make a killer sale for you, but is someone you actually want to work with for years to come. We know ours is.

      Delete
    4. Looooove this.... love. I'm off to read that post... you guys just became even more awesome... ♡

      Delete
  52. I work with several Mexicans. Actually, out of 9 of us, only 3 are white (and one can speak Spanish anyways). We get Mexicans coming in all the time, who don't speak English. Instead of going to the Mexican wearing the name tag, they come straight to me, the girl who is so white that I glow in the dark. It cracks every one up because I'm pretty much the only one who doesn't speak Spanish but I get all the non-English speakers wanting help. I literally just stop, say "I barely even speak English, much less Spanish", and point to whoever I'm working with.

    That being said- I want an honorary membership to all clubs. Because food.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd be happy to give you an honorary membership card into the Mexican community. It's a green-colored membership ID card, or "green card" for short, because we like to have fun around here.

      It doesn't just come with great food, mind you. We can also teach you that Spanish you're going to need to know for your job. Today's Spanish vocabulary word is: Jerky

      Example: If ju want to get inside the storage closet, mang, ju gotta use jerky.

      Delete
  53. I think I must have some Mexican genes I don't know of. I adore Mexican food (the spicier the better), I could kill for huitlacoche, I love the Spanish language, and Corona is one of the only beers I drink. And now I'm going to empty a pot of jalapenos.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You haven't truly lived the Mexican dream until you've had a chili beer... think Corona with a jalapeno in it. If you have the right one, it's great. A little bit of heat, a bit of that jalapeno taste, and a nice, crisp beer finish. If you have the wrong one... well, it's just a jalapeno-flavored beer.

      Delete
  54. Nah, I pretty much fit into a lot of the white stereotypes. I like tennis, and I feel that Starbucks coffee beats the hell out of Dunkin' Donuts. I listen to folk music, and my dog lives better than most humans. I used to love spicy food, but my stomach bitched out on me, and now I'm forced to stay away from the stuff. I use words like "yo", "swell", and "absurd", and I love wearing argyle.

    If only I didn't hate country so much, then astronauts would probably be able to the sun's reflection off my skin from outer space.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What you lack in your love of country music you more than make up for with your love of underground hipster music. That's right, I never forgot about the calamari. That's no judgment, though. We love all of that music too, and if we were any whiter we could remove stains from teeth.

      Delete
  55. OMG, I found you on ComfyTown Chronicles, and I think I love you (both) whether you're Mexican or white. I am white and have a black son...so that makes me confused too, right? In any case, I love how you tackled a pretty serious issue with some really damn irreverant humor. I'm signing up to follow! Not to sound spammy, but I'd love it if you checked me out, too. I'm pretty sure we might have the same sense of humor. --Shay from trashyblog.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're both, so you can call us Mexiwhite. Or Whitesican. Or don't, as those words are both terrible. I have a black cousin, complete with afro and pick, and we get wonderfully puzzling stares while hanging out in public (why is a 30 year old white guy with a 15 year old black kid?) so I can only imagine what it's like walking around with a black son.

      We're not one to mince words, so I'll only say that your blog is fucking awesome and your spam is welcome here any time.

      Delete
  56. Sorry it's taken me so long to get back here and comment. I guess it was just my turn to be...a girl. I'll try to do better in the future.

    I really do enjoy most of your posts, but this one was terrific. I love the total disrespect of 'culture' and I mean that in a good way.

    I'm white as can be and every carnation of my life, I've had a completely WASPish surname (well, one maybe not so much) and yet I've never fit into THAT culture. Tennis, ha, ha, ha. I'm a Piscatarian (that means; I'm basically a vegetarian, who sometimes eats fish), but never tuna and the word casserole simply doesn't exist in my cookbook. I don't even know who Iggy Azalea is (but one of my best friends in 'de islands' was a black woman named Azalea - does that count).

    I was raised in a cow town in the Midwest (and have the accent to prove it - it never goes away), but lived all over thee US,, and twice outside of it. During my time in 'de islands', I was parrt of a race that only represented 8% of the entire populations and, funny I didn't really notice. While living in the south, I couldn't understand a word they were saying, and I'm pretty sure they had no idea what language I was speaking.

    All that said, I've never fit in, even with most of my family. Momma was a Polish Catholic whose mother never spoke a word of English. Daddy was an English/German Protestant, whose family has been in this country since Jamestown. YIKES! What a mess my upbringing was, but I wouldn't have missed a minute of it. Taught me to appreciate all cultures and their foods and customs. (while living on the 'gulf coast of Florida I had some very dear friends who were fresh off the boat from Laos). Now there' some interesting food stuffs (I learned never to ask - 'what's in this dish?).

    I can 'get by' in several different languages (and cuss like a sailor in Polish - remember I said my Buscha never spoke a word of English; well, yeah, my cousins who were pretty fluent in Polish, took advantage of me, by teaching me every swear word they knew - I hate the taste of soap!). And, I can cook in many different cultures.

    Fitting in is overrated. 'Why try to fit in, when each of us was meant to stand out.' That line is credited to Dr. Seuss, but who really know for sure. Definitely not me.

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    1. Iggy Azalea is a white girl with a huge ass that thinks she's a rapper. Spoiler alert: she's not. She's absolutely terrible. But for some reason white people like her. And if fitting in means liking her, then well, we're both happy to be cultural outcasts.

      In fact, we'll just make our own culture. What do you say - we bring the enchiladas and the green chili, you bring the Polish food? I absolutely love Polish food. There's a great Polish restaurant by us that we try to hit up whenever we can. The krokiets are amazing, they have fantastic pierogis, and the zupa ogórkowa is the best I've ever had. Mmm, pickle soup.

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  57. My WIP is a multicultural perspective with a satirical voice . . . can't tell you how much I LOVED this blog post. So glad I stumbled upon it today, & I'll be back (says in best Terminator impression).

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    1. Ooh, satirical? You're in good company, then. We've written a few satirical novels in our time and that's one of our favorite genres. And if you're back, make sure to get to ze choppah!

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  58. Ok, this made me giggle. Hey, I'm a firm believer in making your own culture while borrowing liberally from other cultures you like. Americans are truly the Heinz 57 conglomeration of cultures--isn't it great?

    One of my favorite sayings, ask my kid, is be yourself. It's usually pretty wonderful.

    Sia McKye Over Coffee

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    1. Amen to that! Give me a melting pot over a stereotype any day.

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  59. Ah, my equally-pale Latino brothers, I feel your pain.

    Try being a Cuban-Colombian-American living in France. A schizophrenic probably has an easier time coping with the various voices battling in his mind.

    At times, it seems that I don't fit into ANY of the nationalities that I mentioned. I should probably start my own country or something. It'll at least facilitate my life in terms of just being myself rather than trying to maintain the constant juggling act of appeasing every single culture.

    -Barb

    P.S., I love the post's title. :) (The answer, of course, is to bean on forever.)

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