Monday, January 26, 2015

The Rape Shack is a Little Old Place We Can Write Together...

In case you're wondering, today's post really doesn't have anything to do with the writing process. It's actually a personal story of terror and hilarity that happened to the two of us a few years back. It was when we found ourselves invited to an upscale "writers' retreat" in the Colorado mountains. Little did we know it was nothing more than a secluded rape dungeon hosted by a nutcase.

You see, we were promised an exquisite getaway in the mountains: a retreat where we would be able to do nothing but write in the serene harmony of nature, eat the finest of foods, and mingle with some of the writing industry's most premier professionals.



Well, scratch that, because everything was the exact opposite as it had been described. Yes, we were asked to buy weed for the agents. No, it wasn't legal then, and no, we didn't get any. Or even know how, for that matter.

And yes (weed aside), rather than send industry professionals, we got such brilliant agents as Eddie, seen above, who was younger than we were, talked like Keanu Reeves with a learning disability, and rather than network with other agents or prospective clients, he spent his entire retreat in the hot tub being mesmerized by all the bubbles. True story.

But at least we could relax, right? Enjoy that sweet mountain air as we lounged in a beautiful cabin and worked on the next great American novel in peaceful solitude?

Wrong. The retreat started almost immediately by turning us into taxi drivers.



The first day of the 'retreat' was spent taxiing the out of staters from the airport to the retreat, which was almost 3 hours away. With our own cars. And no gas money. You know, this from the people who paid good money to be there and were supposed to be relaxing.

And so, since the retreat hostess didn't have any kind of shuttle service and apparently no one from out of state rents cars anymore, guests were guilt tripped into making airport runs all day long just so that the retreat could actually commence.



And the fun didn't stop there. Other guests were constantly made to do chores around the cabin. Now, don't get either of us wrong; we love helping out, and will often aid with setting up, washing dishes, and general clean up during a conference or retreat just to be helpful, but when we saw the president of our local writing club on her hands and knees scrubbing an agent's piss, shit, and vomit stained toilet from drinking too much the night before (way to go, Eddie)... well, that kinda drew the line.


But indentured servitude aside, did we mention the hostess kept trying to rape us?

Let us paint a picture for you. A picture not rooted in kindness but in brutal honesty. The hostess was a drunken, heavyset woman (with a mustache) that looked kind of like if you put a wig on a walrus and stuffed her in mom jeans. And it wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't spent the entire retreat trying to feed us both drinks and get us alone so as to make the unwanted sex with us.



The first night was easy enough to evade her, but the second night she was much drunker. Much more grabby. And she was overflowing with passive aggressive "I'm just lonely and need a friend to talk to, that's all" bullshit.

And so when everyone else went to bed and she cornered us, she begged one of us to just hang out with her and talk to her. And like the valiant friend that he is, Brandon stepped up to the plate and did this.


Which left Bryan to fend for himself. And as soon as the two were alone, the hostess tried to rush in and kiss Bryan. But thanks to his ninja reflexes, he bent in angles he never even knew himself capable of just to evade her walrussy bristles.


At which point he told her to leave him alone and went off to bed. He retired to a room that he shared with Brandon, and got into the bottom bunk of the bunk bed that was stationed there.

He thought that was the end of it. Alas, it was not.

At 3 in the morning, this woman crawled into our room, drunk out of her mind, and insisted again that Bryan do her. She did this while in nothing but a bra and granny panties, and was trying to drunkenly whisper, even though it was obnoxiously loud.



Even though Bryan told her no, she insisted she was just lonely, and after sobbing quietly, she fell, literally, into Bryan's bed and proceeded to pass out.

The worst part? And we're not kidding here, the absolute worst part of this whole thing? She then proceeded to snore like a dying wolverine and simultaneously rip ass like an intestinal machine gun.


Anyone who thinks women are dainty flowers that lightly sigh while they sleep has never heard this lady sawing logs with her face and blowing bubbles with her ass. It was truly one of the most disgusting things Bryan has ever experienced, and he spent the night sleeping under the bed, the same way his cat does when she gets scared of the vacuum.


Eventually the hostess woke up and drunkenly dragged herself to bed when she noticed Bryan was gone. And in the morning, without a second thought, we both packed up our things and officially fled the worst retreat we'd ever been to in our lives. And while we can laugh about it now, we were pretty damn pissed about it at the time.

Now, before we get any comments asking this - because there always are - yes, this is a 100% true story, down to the all-night machine gun farts. So what made us think to tell this story? Well, Ms. Hostess, who apparently still has our e-mail addresses, wrote to tell us that she was hosting another retreat soon and was hoping we'd attend. And as previous attendees, she asked if we could do her the favor of writing her a testimonial...

So consider this post our motherfucking testimonial.

Cheers and drop the mic,
Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Nothing can wash away the image of that lady in her skidmarked skivvies
Music: The death throes of innocence

120 comments:

  1. Thank God for Ninja moves!
    I wonder if she finally cornered Eddie in the hot tub?
    And I hope she doesn't know where you live...

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    1. Ninja moves beat rape whistles any day of the week.

      She seemed to have no interest in Eddie, even if he was younger than we were. Maybe it's just that magnetic, boyish charm we each have.

      Ha ha ha. Hah...

      Delete
  2. That story is too insane to be made up. There are so many parts where I just shake my head. How did they manage to guilt you into driving 3 hours? When she farted herself into unconsciousness, why did you stay in the room? And while I am not a literary agent, is there a way I can procure the rights to that guy's erotic space opera? I don't know how I'd publish it, but I just want to see it come true and then force him to make a YouTube trailer for the novel, acting out one of the scenes.

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    1. We shook our heads the entire 3 damn days.

      1) It was proposed as 'pleeeeeease guys, we really need people picked up and without it this retreat won't happen,' and also 'well you can stay here and relax like a lazy asshole orrrrr you can help pick up the agents and editors that are going to BUY YOUR BOOKS' (some of the pick ups were professional, but Bryan had to just grab a guy who was attending).

      2) It was a very small cabin, it was the dead of winter, and it was really cold. In other words, I didn't really have anywhere to go. Sleep in the hallway? Go sit at the dinner table? Knock on someone else's door and sleep with them? Not many options.

      3) I bet if you bought that guy's erotic space opera you'd just make his day, and he'd love to tell you alllll about it. Every plot point, every character, and every mundane event in his life that triggered this novel.

      Delete
  3. >>... he bent in angles he never even knew himself capable of just to evade her walrussy bristles.

    "Walrussy bristles". Consider that expression stolen as of now. I will use it so often NO ONE will believe it was originally yours.

    >>... And it wouldn't have been so bad if she hadn't spent the entire retreat trying to feed us both drinks and get us alone so as to make the unwanted sex with us.

    Damn, you guys have high standards!
    I'd take one look at that big bottle of Jack Daniel's
    and say, "OK".

    Funny, I'm usually the one whose drunk and trying
    to get into a walruses' panties.

    By the way, how SHOULD I have written "walruses'"?
    Walrus'? Walrus's? That's a toughie!
    It's times like this that I feel my high school edgeukashion shows.

    >>... So consider this post our motherfucking testimonial.

    Guffawed Out Loud!

    Say, if you guys aren't going to use your retreat tickets this year,
    you s'pose I could have 'em? I got Jack Daniel's on the mind now, and that walrus doesn't look too bad. I mean, I've had worse. (Not within the last few days though.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Just like the plural of woman is womyn (you sexist pig) the plural of walrus is walrys. I'll use it in a sentence.

      "There was a herd of lusty walrys and I barely managed to escape their walrussy brissles."

      There! That's two uses! You've got some catchin' up to do.

      Delete
    2. Now that I've gotten a few fitful hours of sleep after last night's graveyard shi(f)t, I see that I also used "whose" when it should have been "who's".

      Well, I am after all the guy who flunked out of ramedial Englysh class.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyul Amerycan Underground'

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    3. I think ur Englysh is perfectly good but than again we was both brot up in a pubic skool systm to

      Delete
  4. That Lisa Simpson gif is the perfect illustration! And I loved the one of Brandon running away too.

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    1. Brandon's not usually much for the athletics but when he has to flee a bad situation I'll be damned if that guy couldn't outrun Usain Bolt. Frankly, I'm not even mad. I wish I could do that.

      Delete
  5. I'm at a loss. You'd shared a bit about this with me, but holy crap...And she's still in business? Someone needs to shut this criminal scam down and throw her into jail, where she will be in good company and get all her sexual needs met. Disgusting.

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    1. Did I tell you anything about this retreat? All I know is that while we were working on this, the only thing I could think was, "Wow, Robyn actually went to one of these things and enjoyed herself. Met some cool people like Cheryl Strayed, Laura Dern, and Steve Almond, and spent her time networking and writing in peace."

      Ours: indentured servitude with industry rejects and almost raped by a walrus.

      You probably see now why we've never attempted to go on another writing retreat ever since.

      Delete
    2. Yeah, you'd mentioned a while back that you were nearly raped in a broom closet size room, when you two went to a writing retreat that you'd been invited to attend. You left out all these glorious details. Really, the place and people need to be shut down and shut up. What the hell?! Nobody formally complained? I guess there's no recourse, unless you want to invite a lawsuit. Maybe they should market it differently: an opportunity for writers to have sex with a fat hairy drunken walrus whose farts and snores rival those of Honey Boo Boo's family, extended family, and the cast of Duck Dynasty, combined.

      Delete
    3. The place is a rented cabin of her choice, so it's not really the cabin owner's fault. And it's just this one chick. She rents out the cabin, invites agents and editors, and then invites people and charges them for room and board. Not exactly a business that we can complain about via BBB and try to shut down. She may be a crazy rapist, but she's also well connected with agents and editors which is how she makes these things happen.

      You never made me truly appreciate the situation until you pointed out that this woman is worse than Honey Boo Boo and Duck Dynasty put together. And from first hand experience I can tell you - she really is.

      Delete
  6. Holy guacamole, I'm imaging Eddie and the rape walrus are a match made in hea--er, uh, purgatory. Well, on the bright side, at least she didn't end up with the erotic space opera guy. I can only envision N'Thl'Tok grunts and hoots echoing throughout the cabin and attracting bears.

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    1. Almost being kissed by her was gross enough, but if I had to listen to that thing making the sex with anyone, I'd probably have vomited until I choked on my own internal organs.

      Delete
  7. hahahaha.....How can I register for the upcoming conference. Eddie sounds just like my type.

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    1. Hey, you might even think he's cute. And he's a master of deep conversation AND of critiquing fine literature. I mean, sure, half of the words he uses are made up or used incorrectly, but a night spent talking to him is just, like, down right tumultuous.

      Delete
  8. Boys, thank you for giving me the best laughs of the week...maybe the month. I laughed so hard my husband was smiling and he never smiles. I told him I'd send him the link and he said "I probably won't find it as funny as you." (see what I mean?) What a great story.

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    1. Thank you! You know, if he doesn't find us getting attacked by a she-walrus funny then that man has no funnybone at all.

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  9. I don't know why you're so mad, this Penis Retreat was an excellent idea for a horror novel. You have a hideous monster, a mountain setting and actual fear and real horror to inspire you. You can't buy inspiration like that. Well, if you paid for the retreat I guess maybe you can.

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    1. Holy shit, we had the next "The Shining" under our feet the whole time and we've just been sitting here joking about it. We'll be sure and include you in the acknowledgments when we win the Bram Stoker Award.

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  10. It's no wonder you guys went the whole independent route when you consider what happens when you deal with "professionals". You've been figuratively fucked by publishers and almost literally fucked here...damn. At least you have a great agent now! The idea of a retreat actually sounds pretty good. Take yourself away from everything and focus on your writing. It's a shame it wasn't anything like it was supposed to be. I hope the people she invited to her retreat see this. Oh and that you guys don't get sued too of course.

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    1. That's the only reason that we never named any names, so she can't sue. Even though it's all true. But I'm sure plenty of people from our local writing chapter that read this post will know exactly who it is and what retreat service we're referring to.

      We've heard from so many people how cool a legitimate retreat can be. Next time we're just gonna say fuck it and rent our own cabin (with blackjack and hookers!).

      And yes, that could be a post all on its own, but professional networking events in the writing world are very strangely not created equal. Some events are extremely professional, and others are drama-filled shit fests. It's insane.

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  11. lmao that is the kind of retreat horror movies are based off of. How did anyone guilt trip you into hours or driving with no gas money? Sounds like one retreat every person should retreat from. What is the point anyway? Unless you have 5 screaming kids running around and a nagging wife, easier and cheaper to write at home, plus you won't get raped by a drunk walrus.

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    1. Well, the writing in a beautiful, peaceful environment thing was just supposed to be the icing on the cake. The real purpose of attending was supposed to be professionally networking with literary agents and editors and furthering your career in an intimate setting. And I'll tell you, those agents and editors spent their entire time there networking professionally.*

      *asking for weed, smoking said weed, and then playing in the hot tub between getting obnoxiously drunk

      Delete
  12. It was a writing retreat and you got a blog out of it?

    Win! What are you complaining about?

    (And I don't appreciate you drawing me with tusks. You know you wanted me.)

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    1. I also got a therapy session or two out of it. My therapist calls that a win. For her, anyway.

      Also, I didn't mind the tusks, but it was the walrussy bristles that turned me off. Call me an old fashioned guy, but I just can't kiss a woman whose beard is thicker than mine.

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  13. I cringe-laughed all the way through this one. Okay, I laugh-laughed at the comic of Bryan with the elongated neck evading the walrussy bristles. Something tells me that even if she'd been bristle-free, this would've been nearly as bad (but not nearly as funny).

    I hear about writer's retreats that are awesome (and then there's this) and I hear about writer's conferences that are awesome (and then there are others that are NOT). In both events, it involves people who are struggling financially, and with their writing, to pay good money for something that may or may not benefit them. It all feels horribly tragic right now. Or maybe I'm just in a mood.

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    1. It's okay, I laugh-laugh even thinking about it. And even after twisting my neck out of the way and evading her, and her giving me a heartbroken "...Oh." She STILL came back to my room later thinking I wanted her. Ugh.

      You know the real kicker? The following year at the big local writer's conference she tried to spread a rumor that I came onto her and SHE turned me down. And, as one of the women there later told me, she laughed in her face and said, "Lady, he's hot and you're not, I don't believe that for a second."

      And as someone who does not consider himself to be Brad Pitt but thinks he can definitely do better than an angry, middle aged walrus, that warmed my black little heart to hear it.

      And yes, we were both poor at the time, so to spend our money on THAT... not great. But hey, it did help us land our first agent! ...Who was a huge dead beat. I guess there really is no positive to this, outside of those cringe-laughs and laugh-laughs.

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  14. B&B:
    Wow, talk about being given "COMBAT-PAY"...lol.

    Well, it DID seem like an extremely HARSH environment...all that was missing was someone yelling "incoming" at least once an hour.

    I would have did a "Doc Brown" and left SO fast...all you'd see would be twin ribbons of FLAME off of the tires

    I would definitely consider you post a testimonial...and the best one that walrus-woman could ever HOPE to secure.

    SO glad you're not suffering some fsort of PTSD agter that fiasco.

    Excellent post and hilarious cartoons.

    Stay safe out there, guys.

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    1. We SHOULD have done a Doc Brown, but dammit, we thought it'd be all worth it to finally write in peace and further our careers! ...Boy were we wrong.

      They say war is hell, but I bet we're not the only ones PTSD-style traumatized by that hairy mongoloid.

      "There were bombs dropping everywhere, man. Right in her underwear. It was a nightmare. Like the D-Day of farts."

      Delete
  15. So you don't feel that fist conference furthered your writing career, is that it?

    I think I'd have skipped out after the first airport run...definite warning sign.

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    1. Actually, the first warning sign was this chick telling everyone she was going to be the next 'big thing' from one of the Big Six publishing houses. Only to find out she got a very niche book published through the smallest imprint of said Big Six imaginable, and her 'book' went on to sell less copies than anything we've ever self published.

      Delete
    2. Granted, my publishing experience is limited to a few self-published poetry (song lyrics, actually) collections a couple decades ago, so I do not profess to be an expert...

      But I read a book by David Gerrold, who wrote a Star Trek original series episode where he talked about how to get published, and my memory was it was all about his own effort.

      I think I would be suspicious of any writer running a workshop unless it happened to be a writer I enjoyed reading. And then I would expect nothing more than the experience of hanging out with one of my favorite writers.

      How does that saying go?

      Those who can, do.

      Those who can't, teach.

      Those who can't teach chase young writers around a bogus retreat trying to get some.

      Delete
  16. I was going to say something about Kate and her cloud of cracker crumbs, but then Walrus Lady and ... I just .... I don't even ....

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    1. Yeah, "Kate" and her love of the cheap, dollar store crackers we were given was nothing compared to "I am the Walrus, coo coo kafart."

      Delete
  17. Yo, sketch levels already got pretty high with the weed (you simply don't ask someone you just met to help you do an illegal activity seemingly unrelated to the event at hand), and then with all the chores you had to run, I would've bailed already. Come that first night, I'd even resort to just walking the fuck away, even if it did take me two days to get back to civilization. How did y'all not think of leaving earlier?
    Also I'm pretty sure there was something illegal about all that, so did you ever manage to at least get your money back and gas funded?

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    1. This was in the interest of furthering our career so we were going to stick it out. Don't let the weed request fool you. These are legitimate agents and editors. One of them is our former agent, a prestigious NY literary agent that holds the estate for a very, very famous, legendary writer from 50 years ago.

      They were good agents. We didn't say they were good people.

      This woman had held these retreats for a few years, and had not received any negative feedback about it, so we thought why not? And legally speaking, I'm not sure if she's even a 'business'. And even if she is, it's not worth it to try to get our money back. We stayed there, we ate the food, we 'worked' with the agents. It was an absolutely shitty experience, but the experience still happened so not really a case for getting our money back.

      Delete
  18. Wow. I can't believe that thing (I refuse to call her a "woman" as doing so would be an affront to women everywhere, and walruses) would have the audacity to contact you after that creep-tastic rape fest. AND to make things so much worse, she actually asked you guys for a testimonial? After you left early and everything? Geez. She must have been REALLY smashed!

    "Huh. Where did those boys get to? Playing hard to get, are they? Mmm Hmmm. That's soooo sexy! I love a challenge. They'll be back. They always come back. Next time, Rohypnol cocktail hour and sundaes with roofie sprinkles!"

    She's got your number, boys! Run!

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    1. Yeah could you imagine if we actually went back?

      "Rooficoladas for everyone! Drink up, boys! But do me a favor and drink this Viagrapolitan first, okay? No limp noodles allowed while I'm diddling your comatose corpses!"

      Delete
    2. That is so disturbing, and yet I can definitely believe that it would happen with this weirdo. Ick.

      I'm glad you guys won't be taken in by her attempts to lure you back to her rape cabin. Do you think ANY of the people who went to the first "retreat" would actually go back?

      "Hey, cool! Walrus Lady wants me to come back to one of her retreats! I mean, sure, I didn't really get all that much writing done last time. In fact I don't really remember the last three days of my time there at all. And I know I woke up with a screaming headache right before it was time to leave, but hey, maybe things will be different this time around!"

      Yeah, good luck with that. Bring your high voltage cattle prod and keep that blow gun loaded with curare darts. You're gonna need 'em!

      Delete
    3. The funny thing is, everyone had a miserable time at this retreat, which is why she stopped doing them. No one wanted to attend. So I don't know why, some years later, she suddenly thinks that doing them again is going to be productive for her. Or that anyone would want to go.

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    4. Well, good luck Walrus Lady. At least she can be sure that her good friend, Jack Daniels will never let her down. At least until she dies of alcohol poisoning...

      Delete
  19. HOLY SHIT, you guys, and I mean that in the best possible way because I cannot stop fucking laughing. And I'm sorry about that. I really am, because it sounds like it was awful and damaging and maybe counseling will help? But still, I can't stop laughing. Thank you so much for sharing!!

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    1. As we said, we can look back on it now and laugh about everything. Especially because that woman out-farted any man we have ever met and she (literally) was not even trying. Besides, going to a therapist costs money, but blogging about it and laughing about it with our friends is free.

      Delete
  20. OMG! I would be so pissed that I would want my money back. What an experience! You had me laughing at "talked like Keanu Reeves with a learning disability." I thought Keanu Reeves had a learning disability. LOL! Kidding. It's a good thing you guys can laugh about it now and I hope you sent her the link to this blog post.

    P.S. Sorry my posts keep showing up under my old blog, it won't let me put in new credentials.

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    1. Ha! No, if you think Keanu Reeves is bad, this guy is ten times worse. Slower speech, more made up or incorrectly used words, and much more of that blank, empty stare that says the lights are all on but nobody's home.

      And we'll find your new posts one way or another, so no need to worry about credentials. :)

      Delete
  21. Hahhaha is it bad that I'm so curious as to how much a conference like that cost you? If people were flying in, it had to appear to be kind of a big deal.


    I wonder if this will be like Bill Cosby. Now that you've come forward, others will begin to tell their tales.....

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    1. For regular guests it was well over $1,000. We, as literal starving artists, did not pay that. We only paid a few hundred bucks, which was a special offered to those who didn't mind staying in a much smaller room with bunk beds and using a community bathroom rather than staying in a full sized cabin room.

      I guess we got what we fucking paid for, huh?

      Delete
    2. Apparently she thought we were hookers and would "earn our keep" in other ways.

      Delete
  22. So what you're telling me is, these were the assembled "mailroom clerks" of the publishing biz whom were allowed to map out this travesty in order to get them out of the damn building for a weekend. I can't throw stones- I actually came back for day two of training to sell that "pig" vacuum cleaner thing back in the day. Left at lunch of day two, but I think I would have been out sooner if the trainer had been walrus woman.

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    1. Sadly, one of them was not a mailroom reject. He's a very prestigious NY literary agent... and yet that didn't stop him from spending the retreat in his bedroom, locked away from people, coming out only to hit on people or ask for weed.

      And we had a person demonstrate one of those kinds of vacuums for us. Only $4,500! But they do a payment plan! Wow, where do I sign up??? I've always wanted a vacuum worth more than my car.

      Delete
  23. Now THIS is a story to share with your grandkids:) It's amazing the situations regular normal folk can find themselves in. I don't know but this sounds like a Furry Convention. Walrus Woman actually sounds like my Aunt who let loose atomic bombs in the car one time (a 7 hr drive) that I literally passed out. She didn't want the a/c on because she got cold and didn't want the windows down because it would blow her too tight perm hair everywhere so I placed my nose at the bottom of the car thinking that would help me not smell the stench...didn't work

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    1. Maybe the two of us have just been blessed in that we've never had family members, wives, or female friends that were like that, but there are really women that will blast atomic bombs, huh? Take heed, feminists: anything a man can do, a woman can blast out her ass just as well.

      Delete
  24. OMFG! The retreat really worked! How else could you have come up with a story like this? Fiction is amazing, but reality is just fu****g scary! Glad you both made it out alive.

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    1. Sometimes we wonder when posting a story like this if people are going to believe us, but as another commenter said, it's just too fucking weird to be made up. And on that note, no need to censor yourself here. You're among friends.

      Fuckity fuck fuck fucking fucker. That is all.

      Delete
  25. YIKES! I've only ever heard good things about Writing Retreats (do you suppose other people just lie about it because they are too embarrassed to say that they spent 'good money' on something like this? Naw - HA, HA, HA!). Been envious wishing I could attend one myself. Thanks for banishing that 'geen-eyed monster' from my psyche FOREVER.

    While this was really hilarious it certainly scared me straight from EVER wanting to have a similar experience.

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    1. No, don't let that discourage you! I've heard many people say they've had a blast at these types of retreats. Just, uh, do what we DIDN'T do and properly research it before going. Thanks to places like Yelp, it's much easier to tell if your retreat is going to be hosted by an obnoxious, farting wildebeest rapist.

      Delete
  26. Ach! I hope this is not the last and only retreat you went to. I'd be like, seriously, gotta get a new experience to wash this befouled party out of my mouth!

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    1. This is the first and last retreat we've ever gone to. I'm sure you understand. It left not just a foul taste in our mouths but in our nostrils as well.

      Delete
  27. I admit that's pretty bad "retreat", or maybe that's why they call them retreats?

    I know I would have been out of there faster than George W. Bush at a spelling bee.

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    1. Ba-dum-TISS!

      Maybe we shoulda made like George Dubya and done some more strategery. I mean, you know what they say. This walrus fools me once, well, she's never gonna fool me again.

      Delete
  28. Best testimonial ever. Too bad you had to live through it though

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    1. Living through it wasn't nearly as bad as reliving it during my daily night terrors.

      Delete
  29. Hello.

    "Michael, Kate, and Eddie," I presume to be fictional names to protect the ignorant? What kind of crackers were those? I mean, other than the three doofusses...

    Even though I was laughing uncontrollably, I doubted this to be true until the cat showed up. Under the bed, afraid of a vacuum - I so relate. Kitty terror exists. So I thought it would be possible to accept there be Walrus terror too, and "coo-coo-kachoo."

    I happy you two survived... made for an interesting read. I'm scarred for life. (Thanks.)

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    1. Yeah, but the real names aren't that far off. It's pretty easy to name crackers. I'm talking about the snacks, of course.

      And actually, under the bed wasn't too bad. There was nice carpeting, a spare blanket, and the thick layer of wood between my head and the walrus really muffled the gatling-farts.

      Delete
  30. Just wow. That sounds like a terrifying situation. I once hosted an event where one of the attendees looked like a bulldog with a mane. At one point in the night, she ran up, grabbed me in a vicelike grip and tried to kiss me. I turned my head just enough for her to miss, so she went in for a second go and landed it. The crowd roared in approval.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. What kind of messed up crowd applauds at that? You should invest in a better audience. Yeesh. Imagine if it was a bulldog faced guy kissing some poor girl against her will. I doubt they'd be applauding. Come on, people, this is 2015. Gender equality for all.

      Delete
    2. It was a show called Bogan Bingo (bogans being more or less the Australian version of rednecks). It was a celebration of the lower-class citizen, so everyone there had tattoo sleeves (real or fake), nose rings, cigarette packets up their sleeves and was drinking a lot of beer.

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    3. Ugh. No amount of beer could make a celebration like that fun.

      Fun fact: we grew up knowing a family of rednecks whose last name was Bogan. To find out now that that's basically the Australian version of being named "Johnny Redneck" is every bit as hilarious as it is fitting.

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  31. I guess I'm glad I'm not talented enough to be invited to anything, including indentured servitude. I don't want to clean someone's house. I'll remain in my microcosm, thank you very much. Great testimonial.

    Love,
    Janie

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    Replies
    1. Oh, you don't have to be invited. You just have to be a warm body that pays money to be there. While the other attendees were nice, we were not exactly in the company of Ernest Hemingway. Hell, some were barely a step above Ernest P. Worrell.

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  32. You will forgive me for laughing my butt off.

    When I think about the old saying, "artists must suffer for their art," I'm going to think of this story. At least (the very least, unfortunately), you had a fantastic post.

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    Replies
    1. You are completely forgiven. The only way you can offend us around here is if you lack a sense of humor altogether and don't laugh at our misfortune.

      And yes, let it be known that we endured walrus farts for the sake of this art. If that isn't dedication to one's craft, then frankly, I don't know what is.

      Delete
  33. That image of Brandon stepping up is the best thing ever. Good ol' Brandon.
    I think I would have done the same thing.

    Still, the retreat wasn't a total waste, you got valuable experience in HA-HA!

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    Replies
    1. We also got valuable experience in UGH, BLERGH, and OH GOD WHY.

      Delete
  34. If only you had a bucket of clams, crab, and worms to distract her while you got away. Between providing airport shuttle service, and strongly requesting your manwhore services, I'm glad you both survived. It would be great if you could send an undercover news crew to her next retreat. I'm glad you both can laugh about it now. I still can't get over the image of her in seductive granny panties!

    Julie

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    Replies
    1. Holy crap, Julie, that bucket of sea creatures line is the best joke we've gotten on this so far. I truly laughed out loud. Maybe that's why she smelled so bad... she just reeked of chum.

      And that granny panty picture is the exact reason why the local undercover news could never investigate it... it'd be too graphic to air on public TV.

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  35. Pricless boy's! Absolutely priceless. I picture Kathy Bates in the movie but I think you and Brandon should play yourselves. Unless of course you both suffer PTSD and are still in therapy. In which case Mike Meyers has to be involved!

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    1. Even Kathy Bates is too generous. She looks like Emma Watson compared to this chick. How about Rosie O'Donnell, in 50 years, when she's dead? That might start getting close.

      And hey, what's Mike Meyers even doing these days? Whatever it is, I doubt it's even half as good as playing the both of us in a split screen comedy.

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    2. Ooo Ooo, Rosie does sound better then. Grosssss. Or Roseanne Barr when she was really heavy. Mike Meyers would be proud to play you guys.

      Delete
  36. I sort of had one of those, but it wasn't at a retreat.
    That's probably a story that will never be told.

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    Replies
    1. Oh, come on, man! You can't drop a bomb like that and then not tell the story! Party foul!

      Delete
  37. I believe you, purely because you just can't make this stuff up. It might have been an awful experience for you, but it's certainly entertaining for the rest of us!

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    Replies
    1. If there's one positive to this story, it's that people are getting a huge kick out of it. If there's two positives, it's that she didn't succeed in molesting either of us. Because if she did, I don't think either of us would be laughing about it. Or sharing it with anyone who wasn't a licensed therapist.

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  38. The perfect testimony for a fart-blowing pig. What a nightmare! It sounds like they are a bunch of cheap-ass people, taking money from others for a "so-called" retreat. Thank goodness you boys made it out.

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    Replies
    1. Sadly, it's not "cheap-ass people." It's just "cheap-ass fart-blowing pig." She's the one who runs the entire thing, rents out the cabin, cooks for everyone... maybe that should have been a red flag, eh?

      Delete
  39. Oh my that sounds horrifying. I am glad to hear that you got out okay. Maybe you should strongly decline this tie around.

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    1. Crap, we already RSVP'd! Is it too late to back out? She promised us all the store bought crackers we could eat but I completely forgot she's a rapist.

      Delete
    2. Haha, you guys RSVP'd for this 'tie around'? As much as I respect you, I feel compelled to suggest that you're quite possibly giving the rapist the wrong message. She's likely purchased some BDSM supplies. I hope the beards for hire are persevering. That's a lot for them to - uh - swallow.

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    3. Yeah, apparently it's a black tie around event! I hope this onyx cock ring counts. And our beards for hire TOLD us we should have declined, but why didn't we listen to Lady Lilith and her brilliant advice? WHY? Now we practically owe walrus lady one free rape. :(

      Delete
    4. That sucks. I mean, you know my stance on blaming the victim of rape. But in this case, guys, it's going to be hard to wriggle out of. So sorry.

      PS Next tie around, you should probably decline.

      Delete
    5. Normally we don't accept victim blame either, but in this case, we earned that rape 1000%. Maybe next time the ought to try Spanish language classes.

      Delete
    6. Yes. Did any of you guy ever have behavior problem with the children?

      Delete
    7. Lol.
      Now isn't the radio just full of surprises.

      Delete
  40. This bitch needs a TripAdvisor review which then needs to be a featured post. I already have a working title: "Deviant Torture Fort is the Makings of 1st World Slavery."

    always love you guys! -Sarah

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    Replies
    1. I'd love to put that alongside my Yelp review, titled similarly "1st World Rape Dungeon is the Makings of Deviant Torture Fort."

      Delete
  41. I was going to start a fundraiser for your therapy but beer is cheaper. Bless your hearts. Maybe you should sic Mrs Brandon and Mrs Bryan on her?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Beer - the cause of, and the solution to, all of life's problems." - Homer Simpson

      You can tell this was right before Mrs Brandon and Mrs Bryan came along, otherwise the police would be investigating a prison-style walrus shanking.

      Delete
  42. That is classic! You should have shaved her head and wrote on her forehead in sharpie. Something to the tune of "I'll fuck anything".
    Oh and by the way, the title to the post has me singing 'Love Shack' by the B-52's, in my head now. Ugh! Worse song ever to be stuck in your head and now I get to picture it with Helga Battle farts singing it Karaoke style, I see a painted sign on the side of the road that says 15 miles to the rape shack!

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    Replies
    1. You think that song's great? You should hear our rousing rendition of "Rape Walrus," sung cheerily to the tune of "Rock Lobster."

      Delete
  43. Oh my FUCKING. GOD. I knew there was a reason I didn't visit writer's retreats.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm pretty sure they're not all that bad, but I don't want to be held liable for your sexual assault, so just be safe and not go anyway.

      Delete
  44. Oh, and thanks. I'm gonna change the lyrics in my head EVERY TIME I hear that song now.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hey, it's pretty catchy. And honestly, it's still not as offensive as your average rap song.

      Delete
  45. Oh my gosh. That is a testi-moan-ial. I feel so bad for you guys! As a girl, there are rules and laws against unwanted advances and creepy behavior. You guys should get some too...I mean rules...get some rules.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, we didn't want to go there, but it is kinda sad how people don't really have sympathy for a guy when he's sexually harassed by a woman. If she had been 'hot', I bet I'd have been absolutely assaulted by bro fists.

      On a lighter note, can I steal that term? Testi-MOAN-ial? I mean, I equal parts groaned and laughed, which is still a win in my books.

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  46. OMG! I have wanted to go to a writing retreat for a long time. I just crossed it off my list. Walrus Lady has brass ones.

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    1. I don't know if Walrus Lady has anything brass on her, but neither of us got close enough to find out, thank God. I bet you could still find a good retreat. Just find one... that's not rapey? Is that a checkbox on Yelp? Because if not, it should be.

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  47. Oh lord, I want to know who this is. I've been on one writing retreat, but have decided that a writing retreat/weekend with a couple friends to a place we designate is the way to go, though I must say that the retreat in a shared house made it more affordable than the alternative. Happily, no one was rapey. Because I would have had to get stabby.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ask and you shall receive. And I would have gotten stabby were it not for a lack of sharpened toothbrush. Never leave home without one.

      Delete
  48. I nominated you for The Very Inspiring Blogger Award!

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    Replies
    1. That's kind of you! But if we inspire you, you should question your life choices up to this point.

      Delete
  49. Oh, good gravy, I love you guys.
    Wait. That sounds a little rape-y, doesn't it?
    I am the Walrus.
    ;)

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    Replies
    1. I thought I felt bristles in my sleep. You mean to tell me it wasn't just all a bad dream?

      Delete
  50. But, aw, come on...she was lonely and in need! It's pretty ingenious, actually...instead of paying some young guys to have the sex, she got the young guys to pay her!! Well, ingenious except for the part where she didn't actually get the sex.

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