So today we're going to have a blast from the past and relive a few select memories from high school, because what 20 to 30-something doesn't love remembering the time you were awkward and had no freedom and no money?
Once upon a time, Brandon and Bryan were in high school...
...and yes, Bryan had frosted tips because it was 2000 and that was cool back then (Hey, at least I didn't look like that assclown Sisqo okay?).
So Bryan had a friend who, for some inexplicable reason, introduced him to a very nice, very mousy Mormon girl whose name we've withheld... not because we're trying to protect her, but because Bryan genuinely has no idea what it was (this is important for later).
On their very first meeting, she casually asked him to prom.
In true high school "I don't give a shit" fashion, Bryan said, "Whatever." So the girl told her parents, and her parents... absolutely freaked out. Because apparently "whatever" is the Mormon equivalent of "we're getting married." And Bryan wasn't Mormon.
Her parents specifically said she should date a ton of Mormon guys just to "test the waters," and if she still wasn't satisfied at the end of that, could maybe go to prom with Bryan. Maybe. If he converted.
It's always nice to be someone's plan Z.
The girl relayed this to Bryan, and said it wasn't anything personal. It was just because he was Catholic, so basically it was personal.
Catholic Guilt(TM): It never leaves you, it just lessens each year as you slowly die inside!
Still, Bryan had to give her the boot. Because even at the age of 17 he knew he didn't need that kind of crazy shit in his life.
Bryan told her goodbye, and the two stopped all form of communication. He thought that was the last time he'd hear from her. Unfortunately, it was not...
Meanwhile, Brandon had a hard time deciding who to take to prom. He was an indecisive little whore, and spent most of his high school career joining various clubs in order to increase his...uh, sample size.
First there was the drama club, in which Brandon actually won the role of the Tin Man in our high school's production of The Wizard of Oz.
But apparently girls aren't all that crazy for gray-face.
Then there was the science club.
(Take that, Big Bang Theory! You're not the only one who can crack high school level chemistry jokes in an attempt to make yourself look smarter than you really are. Booyah!)
Finally, he tried the swim team... which was obviously not the best place to find a prom date.
And 4 months later, he wound up going to prom with the state of Colorado's women's bodybuilding champion. No, really. She was a, uh, handsome girl, that one...
But something else happened 4 months later. Because while the two of us were out at prom, Bryan's mother received a very, very angry call... from the Mormon girl's mother. Which was odd, since Bryan hadn't talked to the Mormon girl in 4 whole months, ever since she decided she was going to date a Mormon football team and Bryan decided to cut her loose.
But the Mormon girl's mother demanded to know where Bryan was, because he was... late for prom?
That's right, even though 4 months had passed with Bryan and the Mormon girl not talking to each other, she and her mother still somehow assumed that Bryan was going to take her to prom. And since he did not (...even remember she existed), she and her mother were both heartbroken and furious. And they both swore they'd never talk to Bryan again after that.
...Which was kind of the whole point to begin with, wasn't it?
Similar to those previous 4 months, you should be surprised to hear that to this very day, Bryan and what's-her-nuts still don't talk.
Stay tuned for next week's continuation when we tell you what actually happened at Brandon and Bryan's prom. Hint: for the first time in his life, Bryan got to make someone bleed his own blood.
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
~Brandon and Bryan
Beer: Powder Monkey Pale Ale
Music: Nigel & the Dropout