Monday, December 1, 2014

Would You Care For Some Coffee in That...Coffee?

We'd like to think of ourselves as coffee connoisseurs, mostly in that we as writers practically survive on coffee, and after cumulatively drinking enough to put down an elephant, we've come to appreciate a nice blend of coffee that doesn't taste like it was scraped off the floor of a 7-Eleven bathroom.

And so, as coffee connoisseurs, we both wanted to learn how to make the best cup of coffee possible. To do that, we went out and got jobs as Starbucks baristas.*

*in order for this gag to work


We learned almost immediately that we've been making coffee wrong all these years. We, as novices, simply put a few scoops of coffee grounds into a coffee machine and let that roast for a few minutes. But as a barista, that's merely the beginning, and at Starbucks, the true magic begins after the coffee is brewed.







Apparently our basic, novice-level coffee is not the kind of coffee people want when they go to Starbucks.

According to our teenage manager, real coffee needs three basic components: whipped cream, syrup, and chocolate. Without that, it's just, and we quote, "Like, something your dad would drink before going to a job where he wants to kill himself."

Now, we tried an actual Starbucks coffee drink, and to our surprise it wasn't nearly as delicious as advertised. It was like drinking a Hershey's bar - disgustingly sweet - and didn't taste a thing like coffee. Also, Brandon got diabetes. And Bryan gained 27 lbs. I guess that's what happens when your so-called coffee is 1,000 calories of pure, liquid sugar.

So it seems there are three kinds of people in this world... those who like coffee, those who don't, and those who live in denial by drinking milk-flavored sugar-water. Not that there's anything wrong with drinking the latter, as we've both been known to enjoy a sugary drink from time to time. But if you need a dumptruck full of sugar just to disguise the coffee taste of your coffee, then you don't actually like coffee. You just like drinking milkshakes.

Any milk-flavored sugar-water drinkers in the house?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: The Kooks
Beer: Dry Dock Amber Ale



128 comments:

  1. She just described coffee for me. I'd add that it's like licking tar. Yeah, obviously I don't drink the stuff.
    So, how many days of employment did it take to develop diabetes? Three?

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    1. Two and a half, actually. I blame those damned sugary scones.

      Delete
  2. It reminds me of a Kumail Nanjiani joke about the drug Cheese, a mixture of Tylenol PM and heroin. "You have the heroin, just do the heroin!" That's how I feel about highly caffeinated sugary drinks, you're just mixing a bunch of sugary crap so that you can mainline your drug, caffeine, easier. Just do the caffeine! Cut out the middle man, sugar, and just do a shot of espresso (call it "express" if it makes it easier) and get it over with already.

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    1. Yeah, right? Seems like an awful lot of work to get your caffeine. And really, it's no different than those girly alcoholic drinks where they put two shots of alcohol in a punchbowl full of candied sugar and fruit and umbrellas. If you want to get drunk, just tip back a couple shots, get it over with, and call it a day.

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  3. I'll be honest with you guys; I do like coffee but the stronger the coffee the more sugar I'm going to put in it. The minimum amount of sugars I'll put in a coffee is three and I don't even want to hazard a guess at the maximum, which was probably pretty hazardous. Having said that, I do dislike the idea of disguising the taste with things like chocolate and whipped cream. I prefer straight up coffee. I especially like iced coffee so dammit I guess I'm one of the flavoured milk drinkers. I just like that the coldness perks you up as much as the shot of caffeine does.

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    1. Oh, trust me, I put about three sugars in my coffee, too. I want to taste the coffee, but I'm also not man enough to drink it straight. Which, in its bitter, unsweetened state, is fairly gross tasting to me. And iced coffee is great, too. As long as it still tastes somewhat like coffee - not a flavored milk drinker. Well, not in our books.

      With that said, I'm sure there are hardcore coffee fanatics that take it straight black, no sugar, no cream, and to them me putting 3 sugars and a splash of milk makes me a giant pussy.

      Delete
  4. I'm of the Denis Leary school. I like my coffee coffee flavored.

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    1. Ah yes, that's a great bit! "They got a cappucino, frappucino, Al Pacino. Can't I just get a fucking cup of coffee?"

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  5. I have never liked coffee. I prefer my caffeine to taste like Dr Pepper.

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    1. So... Dr. Pepper-cino coffee drink: terrible idea or awesome idea?

      Delete
    2. Even if it tasted like garbage, I'd still at least try it. I mean, why else do they make things like booger/puke flavored jelly beans?

      Delete
  6. I've been gone for so long but obviously came back to a winner. I chuckled when I started this since I'm drinking 7/11 crap coffee (emergency). I prefer coffee flavored coffee with flavored creamer. Not overwhelming, still tastes like the good stuff. Starbucks sucks. I go less and less every year.

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    1. Hey, welcome back! Good to see you again! And you know, for what it is, 7-Eleven coffee is not terrible. I'd say it's just as good as Starbucks coffee.

      I mean, after all, in a blind taste test, people voted Walmart's coffee just as tasty as Starbucks'...

      Delete
  7. Exactly. When people ask if I'm a coffee drinker, I say "no". It doesn't seem like I am, when I frequent Starbuck's fairly often for their chocolate chip-sugar-hot water combo. "George" goes there to order regular (straight) coffee, and throws them off. They look at him like he's crazy.

    I love your magazine cover for 8 cents. It's hilarious.

    Thanks, too, for reading my book on the beach. I'm honored. Have a great week, guys.

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    1. Being thanked for reading an awesome book on a beautiful beach sounds like it should be a sin. But... you're welcome?

      I don't really like those sugary chocolate chip caramel lattes, so if we ever go to Starbucks (which isn't often), I always have to be that weird asshole that just gets a regular cup of coffee. And they always give me that look like, "Wait, really?"

      Delete
  8. Dress that retarded goat up as a lawyer and sue for developing Diabetes. Might get free coffee for life, so you both can get diabetes lol

    All of it tastes like dirt to me, I'll stick with water and that is it. The sugar water coffee wannabes would probably drink sugar coated cat pee and say it is good.

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    1. If you can get Dr. Oz to say that drinking cat pee has major health benefits (and for enough money that idiot will say anything), then I'd say you just found your new fortune in the drink industry.

      Delete
  9. I hope Brandon's diabetes gets cured the longer you're away from Starbucks.

    I hate coffee. Maybe I need to go to Starbucks and try what they're selling. Sounds more like hot chocolate, something I love. Nah, I'm not paying $45 for whatever they call a small there. Vinte? Grande? I don't know. I don't speak Starbuckian.

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  10. I like my coffee the way I like my men:
    Strong and so bitter I never forget it can kill me.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I like my coffee the way I like my women:
      wrapped in a burlap sack, slung over the back of a donkey.

      Let's keep this going. Anyone else got a good "I like my coffee the way I like my..." line?

      Delete
    2. I like my coffee the way I like my toilet paper, strong and absorbent

      Delete
    3. I like my coffee like I like my men, strong and black :0)

      Delete
    4. I like my coffee like I like my women:
      provided free of charge by my employer.

      Delete
    5. Do you like them in a paper cup?

      Delete
    6. As long as it's not two girls and one cup.

      Delete
    7. hahahaha eewww. You had me until "....one cup."
      I like my coffee like I like my men, cared for & served by SOMEONE ELSE *rimshot*

      Delete
    8. I like my coffee the way I like my women:
      all mixed up and full of whiskey.

      Delete
  11. Now that I've seen that Hefty Bag panel, it can't be unseen. Thanks.

    "Like, something your dad would drink before going to a job where he wants to kill himself."

    Has your manager been spying on me before I leave the house?

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    1. You have to admit, though, it's still better than the Kim K. picture.

      And as a mature, responsible adult, Tyler would never spy on you. No. I'm just kidding. He's an annoying piece of shit with a grating, crackly voice and on most days I want to give him a swirly until his hair falls out.

      Delete
  12. I think it is safe to say that y'all broke the internet with that second pic.

    And I probably need therapy now.

    I don't drink coffee. the problem is that there's only 1 Starbucks on this end of downtown Houston, so if you want to talk to some people, you almost have to go find them in a 75-person deep line at Starbucks. So I've seen it.

    I can get you a good deal on powdered caffeine instead. You can just mix it in with anything you drink. There's a good chance you'll end up having a heart attack, but... still better than Starbucks!

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    1. That "break the Internet" picture was just to help reaffirm your lesbianism.

      ABftS: supporting LGBT rights since 2010

      In high school we had a friend who snorted caffeine pills before competing in swim matches. He won, so... I'm not sure there's a lesson here, the same way there would be in a 30 minute TV episode.

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    2. That sounds like an after-school special.

      Wait: Am I too young to remember those? I'm thinking of a girl on PCP jumping through a 2nd floor window and then scraping glass down her arms to the sound of a Rick Springfield song.

      You don't need drugs to be a winner.

      Delete
    3. Ah yes, I remember that. That was Helen Hunt. No wonder she's not acting anymore. All of that PCP (and dramatically falling out of windows), between her doing "the marijuanas" was bound to take its toll eventually.

      Mad About Crank

      Mr. T says don't do school, stay in milk, drink your drugs...

      Delete
  13. I only like coffee when it tastes like coffee. You'll never see me at a Starbucks. For one, it's the most ridiculously overpriced product I've ever seen. For another, I must learn a second language just to place my order.

    Coffee with a light touch of sugar and creamer is all I need. No gallons of chocolate or caramel or a pound of sugar is needed.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Not only is Starbucks coffee overpriced, it's also not that great. As I pasted to someone above...

      Wal-mart coffee tastes just as good as Starbucks

      Ah, the joy of hype. Charge 99 cents for coffee, and it's garbage. But charge $3-4 for a cup of coffee, and people will line up around the block for it.

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    2. I brew my own, though I don't go through the hassle of grinding fresh beans. My home-brewed cup of Folgers is the best damn cup of coffee I'll ever have. Especially when my wife makes it. It's always better when the significant other makes it. Just ask any married couple. Is it because it's made with love? Or are we just that damn lazy?

      Delete
    3. I wish my wife knew how to make awesome coffee. It IS always better when someone else makes it. Unfortunately, when she makes it, she makes it terribly because she doesn't understand the ratio of water to coffee and always puts in waaaaay too little of the grounds, so it comes out like very light brown water.

      (Sorry honey, if you read this, but it's true. You suck at coffee. At least you're hot and are good at other things)

      Delete
  14. Looks like all those calories went straight to Bryan's ass!

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    1. Yes, but he's not fat, he's just curvy, because real men have curves.

      Delete
  15. Bryan, you have a big ass.
    (Anyone ever tell you that before?)

    I learned many years ago that there are three things that ALWAYS smell considerably better than they actually taste. One, obviously, is coffee. The other two are baking chocolate chip cookies and frying bacon. All three smell out-of-this-world delicious, but none of them - even when they do taste quite good - can match the aroma with their flavor.

    I do drink coffee but ONLY for the octane, NOT the flavor. And a majority of the time I drink it black, like my heart.

    My Pa told me that when he was in the Navy he learned to drink his coffee black because he couldn't stand to wait in the lines for the sugar and cream. I eventually began drinking my coffee black as well because I was too lazy to add the cream and sugar. Nowadays I do sometimes add a little cup of half 'n' half and a couple packets of sugar, when I'm not feeling too lazy that I just drink it black. (I loathe those flavored creamer cups like Irish Mist and Vanilla and Mocha Wimp. The quickest way to ruin even a bad cup of coffee is to add some sissy non-coffee flavor to it.)

    Having worked nuttin' but graveyard shi(f)ts for the last 15 months though I've found that coffee with the octane (decaffeinated coffee is about the most pointless thing on the planet) is only good for a slight pick-me-up. What I pretty much survive on now are REDLINE XTREME energy drinks (my local grocery store recently stopped stocking them because some pusses were drinking 'em and dying of heart attacks).

    Now I've found that Redline makes a formula (REDLINE POWER RUSH) that supplies 7 HOURS OF ENERGY. I sometimes buy those... when I can find 'em.

    Starbucks is the kind of place where you'd find Frasier and Niles Crane. I laugh at Frasier and Niles Crane. I laugh at Starbucks customers - they will never survive Armageddon. Only the strong will survive. Redline Power Rush drinkers, Redline Xtreme drinkers, Black Coffee drinkers, Coffee With (a wee bit o') Cream And Sugar drinkers... in THAT order.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Nobody's told me I have a big ass, but I've often been told that I AM a big ass. Does that count?

      While I agree with two of those sentiments about smell over taste, I can't agree with the chocolate chip cookies one. But maybe that's because my wife makes the best chocolate chip cookies on the planet. So good, in fact, that those are all anyone ever asks for when it comes to Christmas presents, birthday presents, etc. "Just make me some of your cookies!"

      And we wonder why my ass is huge.

      Delete
    2. While I like the taste of coffee, I also drink it for the octane....so why water it down with cream?

      Delete
  16. Starbucks has the worst coffee I ever tasted, which is probably why they can only make money by dumping 1000 calories of sugar and whipped cream and chemical-flavoured syrup in it. My sister now has the Starbucks gold card, and I am ashamed.

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    1. If anyone I knew had the Starbucks Gold card, I'd probably have to stage an intervention. "Sister, we all love you, but we're worried that you don't understand what coffee is. And that you don't need to pay $4 a cup and earn 'rewards' just to drink it."

      Delete
  17. I don't drink coffee for that very reason. In order for it to taste good to me, it has to have an atrocious amount of sugar and milk in it. As such, I will partake in an egg nog latte when the season strikes. Mostly, I just stick to tea.

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    1. Hey, at least you admit it. My wife has a friend who insists she's a "coffee snob" but the only thing she'll drink is a blended caramel iced latte. That's like me saying I'm a whiskey snob but the only thing I'll drink is Jack and Coke.

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  18. I am a true coffee lover, but I do add milk to mine. I sometimes get a little wild and ask for a latte (being a westcoaster in Canada means being a latte drinker is de rigeur) That means required, btw. We visited Starbucks in Paris in Montmartre which is across from the Moulin Rouge and had a latte, too. They used to call lattes by the name café au lait. Times change. Tim Horton's is more popular here with some people than Starbucks. One daughter used to be a barista but got tired of all the effete customers asking for coffee brewed to a specific temperature, as if that was all the enjoyment they had in life. I have a coffee at my side as I write this. It's an early morning, afternoon and evening ritual. What can I say??

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    1. We both know that feeling, as we can drink coffee any time of day. Hell, I can drink coffee right before bed and still sleep like the dead.

      So what's better, Tim Horton's or Starbucks?

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    2. Personally, I like Starbucks better, but I have a bag of Tim Horton's coffee in the cabinet to brew. I guess I like variety.

      Delete
  19. In my only Starbuck's experience, I couldn't see a "normal" cup of black coffee on their menu, and when I asked for it, I was treated with contempt.

    I miss the days when you had two coffee choices, coffee, or decaf.

    If you add whipped cream, caramel and chocolate chips, isn't it a milkshake?

    Loved your re-take on the Mike Golic butt photo...although I am pretty sure he was imitating someone else...

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    1. Even with black coffee there's now more than two choices. You can get regular, decaf, or half-caf... because apparently it's easier to drink half regular/half decaf than it is to just have a smaller cup of coffee if you're watching your caffeine intake.

      Also, I think that Mike Golic picture originated from this Thanksgiving meme, where a family is serving up "baked ass with cottage cheese accents" for dinner.

      Delete
  20. I used to be a coffee drinker and I was picky about it. It had to be so strong that if you held the post up to the light, you couldn't see the light through the pot. However back in the 80's they almost tripled the price of coffee. It pissed me off so I quit buying it. Haven't had a cup since then.

    On a sort of related side point. Remember when Wonder Bread changed their bread? That one nearly sent me into orbit I was so angry. I quit buying it. And then they brought the original back about a decade later. But as I was still angry I wouldn't buy it and I never will. Fuck Wonder Bread.

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    1. We used to have a Wonder Bread Bakery here in Denver, and every time you drove by on the highway it smelled like delicious baked Wonder Bread. It closed last year when Hostess filed for bankruptcy... so fuck Wonder Bread indeed!

      Delete
  21. The Starbucks in the mall knows me because I get hot chocolate all the time now that it's (kind of) cold. I don't like coffee and I won't pretend to. It smells great but the taste makes me want to puke. I'll stick to liquid sugar.

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    1. But maybe that just means you haven't yet tried the right puke. I mean coffee. That's not helping, is it?

      Delete
  22. Rarely drink coffee, but if I do, I enjoy it with some milk AND sugar. Also can't pass up a choco-cafe. Get off my back.
    I get the point though, but please do appreciate that there's plenty of things that can be called coffee. Constant seems to be there's at least a couple drops of caffeine in there. You've got to admit, it's pretty neat how the beverage's been adapted and modified in so many different ways. Kinda like beer brewery?

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    1. I'll get off your back when I feel good and ready to get off your back, swine!

      Nah, you enjoy your coffee the same way I enjoy mine. Milk, sugar, sometimes some chocolate is good. So long as it still has a coffee taste and isn't full of whipped cream I'm happy.

      Variety in coffee (and in beer) is absolutely fantastic. Turkish coffee and Cuban coffee con leche (with sweetened condensed milk, preferably) are my favorite varieties, hands down.

      Delete
  23. B&B:
    I can totally relate, and I've NEVER been to a Starbucks...and never will enter one !
    (to ME, Starbuck refers to Melville's Moby Dick & Battlestar Galactica anyway...period)

    I like COFFEE...plain and simple.
    The 7-eleven, bottom of the pot that was like liquid "crank" when you added TEN sugar packs was fine enough in the early morning hours.
    If I have to "amend" my java around the house, I just add some hazelnut creamer and call it done, but none of that fancy-schmancy latte mocha crapola.
    MINE cost a LOT cheaper...and it's ready when I want it...any time of day.
    (no lines)

    Excellent coverage of the coffee clutch (and how people have tossed it out, stripping their gears in the process).

    Stay safe and caffeine-laced out there.

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    1. Believe it or not, whenever the wife and I want some quick coffee on the go we just go to 7-Eleven. It's fast, it's under a dollar, and surprisingly, it's not bad. They've come a long way since that whole "bottom of the pot is liquid crank" thing, and it's really not any better or worse than the generic black coffee you'll get at Starbucks.

      Delete
  24. The Hurricane has earned multiple degrees by drinking coffee. She sits in a cafe with her laptop, drinks coffee so strong it would kill a mere tropical storm, and she works. And works. And works and drinks. Drinks and works. "Hurricane, when you finish that cup, will you consider taking the time to accept another degree? We'd also like to give you some money." And that's The Hurricane method for obtaining an education.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I wish I had even half the level of concentration that The Hurricane does, but I'm too easily distracted. That, and I just can't be "that guy," you know, the douchebag who orders one cup of coffee and sits there for 4 hours, making sure everyone around him knows that he's working on the next great American novel.*

      *spoiler alert: it's always awful.

      Delete
    2. The Hurricane was unusually focused even as a small child. She's still unusual.

      Delete
  25. This was hilarious guys, and as a "real" coffee addict, I can totally relate. My favorite line of all was about the music Starbucks likes to play- "this is Indie Lesbian punk..." LOL So true!!

    I am an avid coffee drinker who weaned myself off adding sweetener of any kind to my swill, years ago. Now, I hate all of those sweet additives and syrups that gob up your coffee. And I have to say I find the straight up coffee over at Starbucks tastes nasty. I'll take a 50 cent old school cup of Folgers over a $5 cup of the Bucks coffee, any day of the week.

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    1. Yeah, what is it about Starbucks always playing shitty music? Like, I understand supporting Indie artists, but it's never even someone local. It's always some weird, awful folk band that wouldn't even sound exciting if it was played in a funeral home.

      Delete
  26. First, I should admit I've never ever tried coffee. Like liver and onions, it was always one of those things that smelled so much better than it could possibly taste.

    I did try tea once. I put enough sugar in it to turn it solid and I still couldn't gag it down.

    I don't know if your pic broke the internet, but it may well have blinded it temporarily.

    And that last stuff you gave the girl? That does sound good to me...

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    1. What are you talking about? Liver and onions is DELICIOUS. And it's what helped build that sexy, Internet-breaking buttocks.*

      *none of the above is true, but you're welcome for the visual

      Delete
  27. First of all, this was very funny! I hate Starbucks. I can think of better places to be screwed over. Good luck with the jobs!!

    Unlike Bryan's ass, my neighbor likes mine. It's not ugly(sorry Bry). He delivers me coffee in a thermos every morning on his way to work. In return I bake him a nice apple pie or a nice roast once a month. I add hazelnut cream(to the coffee, not the roast) and the day begins.

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    1. He likes your ass so you give him pie and make sure to throw in the cream? Can't tell if genuine story or most blatant sexual innuendo ever.

      Whatever it is, I'm down with it - as a foodie who appreciates that booty.

      Delete
    2. (I apologize in advance and pledge to never make that terrible rhyme again)

      Delete
    3. Well my comment lacks clarity. I was merely talking charity.
      There's no hair on my ass. Might as well let this one pass. Hmm?

      Your rhyme was fine. :)

      Delete
  28. I have never even been in to a Starbucks, thank you. I take my coffee black without any adulteration at all.

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    1. I also like to drink my coffee without committing adultery.

      (But really, though, good for you for not giving into those gross milkshakes they call 'chocolate caramel iced lattes')

      Delete
  29. I'm 26 and to this day I still haven't drank a cup of coffee. I plan to keep it that way.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You're honestly not missing a lot, especially since you can get caffeine from a million different sources should you ever need it.

      Delete
  30. Too many comments to read them all-and I do not live real close to one in AZ, but in Philly, my coffee of choice was always Dunkin' Donuts.

    In fact, I once fell asleep in my car outside of a Dunkin Donuts and was arrested for impersonating a police officer.

    I wonder if it's still as goof as I remember...

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    1. Well, it's definitely not the best coffee I've ever had, but it's leaps and bounds better than Starbucks. I guess that isn't saying much, is it? Well, if there was a Dunkin Donuts closer than 30 minutes away, I might consider getting it from time to time.

      Delete
  31. Oh sweet, sweet sugar water!

    Kidding. I usually just get coffee. Occasionally a latte. Never a frappacino. What even IS that?!

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    1. Cappuccino, frappuccino, macchiato... I don't understand any of them. I just know it's not (to me) as good as regular coffee.

      Delete
  32. I'm not a fan of coffee. Mostly because it's a big liar! It smells sooo good, but then you taste it and it's just blech. I don't like coffee all sugared up, though, either, that just tastes weird...although I do love coffee-flavored desserts like tiramisu and Ben and Jerry's Coffee Heath Bar Crunch. Yum!!!

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    1. Ben and Jerry's has a coffee heath bar crunch ice cream? That sounds deliciously dangerous. Milk flavored sugar ice?

      Delete
  33. Yeah. I'm not a coffee drinker. Never bought a Starbucks pseudo-coffee. I don't drink tea either. Diet Wild Cherry Pepsi is my caffeine platform.

    "But as a barista, that's merely the beginning, and at Starbucks, the true magic begins after the coffee is brewed." This reminded me of Rowan Atkinson in Love Actually- Oh, but it's so much more.

    Funny stuff, guys. As per your usual. :)

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    1. A comparison to the great Rowan Atkinson? That's a better start to my morning than any coffee I could ever drink. Thanks!

      I love my coffee, but I've got a soft spot in my heart for Wild Cherry Pepsi, too. The inflated "break the Internet" ass doesn't lie.

      Delete
  34. I've only recently become a coffee drinker. Both of my parents devoured coffee daily, so it was a mystery to them why I didn't want it. Imagine two adults who only drank coffee and kept a pot on all day. I think they brewed on average three pots a day. So, anywhoozle last Christmas my mom made me a cup out of her new Kuerig, adding all sorts of sugar and coffee creamer to make it palatable. What do you know? I liked it. Now, I drink a couple cups every morning. I'm still trying to figure out how to lower the sugar count (my pants keep shrinking...yikes) and still drink it. Right now I am taking it with natural stevia (versus sugar) and a combo of plain half & half and almond milk (approx. 40/60 in ratio). I find that it's very pleasant beginning my morning with that cup of coffee while I write, read, blog... whatever. I do believe I'm hooked:)

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    1. Wow, and you went all health nut on it, too! That's great. I'm healthy with just about everything I eat/drink... but I can't do it with coffee. That slightly "off" taste of stevia/truvia always trips me up. And I like almond milk, but in coffee it also tastes weird. So... like a swine, it's just a splash of milk and a few spoonfuls of sugar for this guy. So far my waistline hasn't caught on. Hopefully it stays that way.

      Delete
  35. Yes, I would be one of those wimps (albeit decaf, soy, and sugar-free.) I bought an espresso machine and went nuts. It's the best $60 I ever spent.

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    1. Is it even possible to have "espresso" and "wimp" in the same sentence? I'm about 90% sure the only way it's tolerable to take an espresso is with enough sugar to jack up a toddler.

      Delete
  36. I have mine with cocoa but no sugar.

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    Replies
    1. That sounds interesting. I might have to try that. My wife always makes hers into Mexican coffee, so she adds cinnamon and chili powder. Surprisingly good.

      Delete
  37. There was a period of time where I went to Starbucks once a week with friends. I basically ended up drinking iced tea each time since coffee feeds my migraines. Every little once in awhile, I had one of those sugary confections. They really aren't coffee. I think they're each about 2000 calories (slight exaggeration.) Nice KardASSian, though.

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    1. You're not the only one drinking those 2,000 calorie coffees. How else do you think I get that healthily obese buttocks?

      Delete
  38. At this time of year, I like the vanilla chai lattes at Starbucks. Though I'm sure they're also loaded with sugar, I feel less guilty drinking them than my favorite warm weather Frappucino milkshakes. You're right that they barely contain any coffee, as they recently reported it on 20/20. I'd happily order Brandon's drink! Love the untouched magazine cover, though Bryan could have applied a little spray tan!

    Julie

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    1. What? That WAS with a spray tan. You have no idea how pale I truly am. My skin is so white it can melt snow.

      Delete
  39. Replies
    1. But it should be easy to find itself again, since there's a Starbucks every 2 city blocks.

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  40. I'm one of those people. I never drink real coffee, but I do like the pumpkin spice lattes and the likes. I'd never call them coffee, though.

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    1. I just find it funny when they have all of these "pumpkin spice" infused drinks come autumn and none of them actually contain any pumpkin. Pumpkin spice just means cinnamon, nutmeg, and allspice.

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  41. I drink my coffee black with 1 sugar. I usually add the sugar packet myself, because sometimes I get a barista that thinks 1 sugar=1 towel of sugar.

    My girlfriend occasionally gets the caramel, mocha, brie, cheesecake, batter macchiato, which sucks because instead of my bill being $2, it ends up being $15. Those liquid desserts are pretty damn expensive.

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    1. Yeah, right? My wife has ordered coffee drinks that are more expensive than a cocktail. When your coffee is more expensive than your bar tab... then you know you have a problem.

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  42. I will have an iced caramel Macchiato grande....thanks.

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    1. Crap, I can't make one of those. How about a styrofoam cup of lukewarm Folgers?

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    2. Okay, as long as you add some caramel syrup and whip cream.

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  43. I think I may have heard some of that "Indie Lesbian Postcore Funktronica" the other day! I thought I was having a seizure! What a relief to find that it wasn't me, but the band that was having convulsions!

    Ick. Coffee. I've always hated the smell, and I only tasted it once, when I thought it was something else, and what an unpleasant surprise THAT was! I say that the creators of the Starbucks franchise are just really good at improvising. They wanted to be a milkshake place, but someone sent them coffee beans instead of ice cream, so they just brewed the coffee and started mixing in all the milkshake toppings, thereby creating a powerful, caffeine-fueled empire that still rules the universe to this very day.

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    1. I don't mind Indie Lesbian Folktronica, but the Indie Lesbian Postcore Folktronica is really taking it a bit too far.

      And it's true, the folks behind Starbucks are geniuses.

      Starbucks executive: "Gentlemen, quick, only middle aged dads and pretentious Frenchmen like coffee. How do we make everyone else in the world like coffee?"
      Starbucks executive #2: "We blend in so much shit it no longer tastes like coffee?"
      Entire boardroom then proceeds to throw money like confetti.

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  44. Wow. I am grateful I do not drink much coffee.

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    1. I'm grateful that the robot overlords have not yet come to rip my legs off and eat my grandma's heart medication.

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  45. Hahahaha!!!!! <-----Real laughter. Not fake text laughter.

    You guys. I always realize how much I miss your posts until I come here and read. Also. How do you draw the things you do? Some… wow… couldn't do it… lol… ;-)

    Thanks for the midnight smile.

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    1. I bet if you really put your mind to it, you could draw a fat, hairy, glistening Kim Kardashian ass. It's just for the best that you have better things to do with your valuable time. :)

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    2. Haha! Er… I'm going to try and stay as busy as possible… ;-)

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  46. I'm lucky.......I hate coffee.....devils arse water!

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    1. Somehow I don't think even Starbucks could market "Devil's arse water."

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  47. Coffee for me is purely something to neutralize the effects of a 4am wakeup. Milkshakes take precedence any other time.

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    1. There's such thing as a 4 am? I've only heard of such horrors. Is it every bit as awful as I'm picturing?

      I love milkshakes. And I love coffee. But combining the two doesn't somehow sweeten the deal. Pun absolutely intended.

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  48. a real slap in the face of "coffee" drinkers! hilarious and true. i can't drink those super sweet starbucks creations, but i have no illusions of the sweet stuff i do drink. sweet caffiene! i love pumpkin creamers =)

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    1. Pumpkin creamer? That's a thing? I think my wife's brain just exploded.

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  49. Haha funny post and comments. No coffee for me unless it it decaf and if it's decaf why bother. I had to give up the caffeine kept me up at night and I need to sleep and perchance to dream.

    I have tried Starbucks and I was never impressed just overpriced coffee with a nasty taste.

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    1. I don't like to brag, but once you get addicted to caffeine like we do, I can drink an entire cup of coffee right before bed and still sleep like the dead. Wait, that's not a good thing, is it...?

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  50. True connoisseurs should try beans from different locations. Like good booze, good coffee needs nothing added to taste good. If it tastes bitter it's done wrong. No need to add cream or sugar if it's good-quality. I discovered this years ago. Starbucks homogenizes their stock by over-roasting so it all tastes burnt (and therefore the same) because they get the cheapest coffee they can find, and those sources vary weekly.
    I recommend Kona from the main island of Hawaii or Jamaican Blue Mountain from (of course) Jamaica. Use a burr-mill grinder to "medium grind". Use pure, cold water. JBM tastes naturally like chocolate. Kona like tea.

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    1. Yes but have you tried the Fol-jay? (It's spelled Folgers but I believe it's French). A delicate roast, light hints of caramel and earth tones. Incredible.

      Nah, kidding. This may surprise you to hear (as I'm far from a coffee snob) but I've tried both of those coffees, and those are undoubtedly my favorites. Now, granted, I'm not well off enough to be able to drink $30-40 coffee on a regular basis, but I do still like to treat myself from time to time. I like JBM just a bit more than I like Kona, but they're both standout coffees and worth the price... for a treat, anyhow. I have yet to convince many of my friends that it's worth it, as most people I know just see coffee as coffee, aka that black crap I slam down in the morning to function as a human being.

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  51. Oh I see. So now you're too good for the 7-11 bathroom floor coffee? o.O

    And you just had to throw in that Kim Kardashian ass pic...didn't ya? O.o

    And wait, is that blonde woman you served coffee to, pregnant? Because no caffeine for her!

    Oh and since you guys are coffee baristas now, I'll have a Venti Mocha Frappuchino with whip cream and chocolate. LOL

    C'mon, snap to it, chop chop I don't have all day.

    To me a Frappuchino is just a coffee flavored milk shake which is why I only have one every few months as a treat because they are as addictive as crack.

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    1. Oh no, that blonde girl isn't pregnant. She's just fat. I mean, she drinks 1,000 calorie coffee milk shakes every day... it was bound to happen.

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  52. I love my coffee! 10-12 cups a day whether I need it or not. You don't get yellow stains in your white t-shirts by just smoking Marlboros ya know!!
    With the invention of the Kuerig they have found a way to make it even better! Or maybe just more expensive. IDK IDC Without coffee I would kill people.

    I like hot cocoa too but only before bed time-if there is no beer left!

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    1. I'm more worried about your teeth than I am your t-shirt. And those K-cup machines are great... if you want one tiny little girl's playhouse teacup full of coffee. I got sick of making 3-4 of those every morning, so back to the full coffee pot I go...

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  53. Late to the party as usual, but I'm glad I made it. Wouldn't have missed that shot of Bryan's ass (did I just say that out loud?).

    I do think coffee smells way better than it tastes, but generally take mine with a little almond milk. Since I'm not supposed to drink caffeine, dairy, or have sugar; I try to cross the street whenever I come to a Starbucks.

    As a side note I interviewed for a job last week alongside a girl who had been a barista at Starbucks. Man, five minutes of talking to her and I think I had the first symptoms of diabeetes.

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    1. You can't have caffeine, dairy, OR sugar? Throw alcohol into that list and I might faint.

      Also, I love that they call Starbucks workers "baristas". It's nice of Starbucks to give all of those art majors an important job title so they don't end up killing themselves.

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  54. I can honestly say I've never even been into a Starbucks. When someone gave me a Starbucks gift card, I gave it away, and not because I don't like coffee... it's because I DO. Smooth, black, and aromatic, not with all that froufrou stuff in it.

    It's just like grits.one of the favorite dishes here in Georgia. We don't care for them, but everyone says we've gotta try 'em with cheese...or with lots of butter...with bacon... with shrimp... or this or that,etc. We figure if they have to cover the stuff up with all kinds of stuff to make them taste good, they don't really like "grits" all that much, either.

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    1. Yes, absolutely. Grits are just kinda lumpy and plain and grainy. Alone, they do NOT taste good. Throw in all of that other stuff, and yes, it's good, but that's because you just loaded up one bad tasting thing with 5 good tasting things.

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