We'd like to think of ourselves as coffee connoisseurs, mostly in that we as writers practically survive on coffee, and after cumulatively drinking enough to put down an elephant, we've come to appreciate a nice blend of coffee that doesn't taste like it was scraped off the floor of a 7-Eleven bathroom.
And so, as coffee connoisseurs, we both wanted to learn how to make the best cup of coffee possible. To do that, we went out and got jobs as Starbucks baristas.*
*in order for this gag to work
We learned almost immediately that we've been making coffee wrong all these years. We, as novices, simply put a few scoops of coffee grounds into a coffee machine and let that roast for a few minutes. But as a barista, that's merely the beginning, and at Starbucks, the true magic begins after the coffee is brewed.
Apparently our basic, novice-level coffee is not the kind of coffee people want when they go to Starbucks.
According to our teenage manager, real coffee needs three basic components: whipped cream, syrup, and chocolate. Without that, it's just, and we quote, "Like, something your dad would drink before going to a job where he wants to kill himself."
Now, we tried an actual Starbucks coffee drink, and to our surprise it wasn't nearly as delicious as advertised. It was like drinking a Hershey's bar - disgustingly sweet - and didn't taste a thing like coffee. Also, Brandon got diabetes. And Bryan gained 27 lbs. I guess that's what happens when your so-called coffee is 1,000 calories of pure, liquid sugar.
So it seems there are three kinds of people in this world... those who like coffee, those who don't, and those who live in denial by drinking milk-flavored sugar-water. Not that there's anything wrong with drinking the latter, as we've both been known to enjoy a sugary drink from time to time. But if you need a dumptruck full of sugar just to disguise the coffee taste of your coffee, then you don't actually like coffee. You just like drinking milkshakes.
Any milk-flavored sugar-water drinkers in the house?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Music: The Kooks
Beer: Dry Dock Amber Ale