Monday, December 8, 2014

For Just $30 (One Dollar A Day) You Too Can Help Save A Struggling Airline

Over the Thanksgiving holiday, Bryan got the privilege of flying to visit family, in which he got to endure the joy that is the airport, where the magical TSA elves help keep us safe with a little cheerful holiday magic.


Okay, so we all know that the airport is an awful, miserable place. But it's all worth it just to hop on that plane and take off on a whimsical journey through the sky...right?


Oh, wait, flying is also pretty miserable. But it's not the airlines' fault. No, you see, those poor, starving mom n pop companies have been hit hard by the economy just like everyone else, and now, the only way that these struggling businesses can even afford to chariot us across the map is by charging we the consumer just a tad bit more for our upscale amenities.


And these poor, endangered airlines are even trying to be creative with their nominal, highly reasonable fees. They've now turned seating into a bit of a game by playing Seat Bingo with their passengers. Sure, you could sit wherever you want, preferably next to your loved ones, but that's boring. So instead, the airline places you wherever the hell they feel like it, and for a very minimal fee of $8 per person you can sit next to your traveling companion(s). Does the fun ever stop?

But still, somehow, even with all of these highly practical, microscopic fees, these airlines continue to suffer. So today we wanted to offer them some tips on ways they could further raise money that would allow these broke, noble businesses their basic human right to remain open so that the highly endangered animal that is the airline never goes extinct.

To do so, we suggest enlisting the help of the very people who have been getting "passengers" to their destination on the cheap for decades: the Mexican coyotajes, aka the Mexican coyotes, those brave souls willing to smuggle people illegally across the border while simultaneously taking from them every possession they've ever had.

So how do we achieve that? With these three simple guidelines.

1) Cut Down Severely On Actual Flying

Want to save some huge coin, airlines? Passengers should no longer be allowed to fly straight through. And no, we're not talking connecting flights. Do you realize how much it costs to actually fly a plane? Hire a pilot? Stock it with food, beverages, and safety equipment? A ton, we're sure! Therefore, we propose that the first 100 miles of your trip be an excruciating...ly fun and guided walk toward the next airport one state over.


2) Destination Charges

Taking another cue from Mexican-smuggling coyotes, airlines ought to start charging destination fees. And by that, we mean charging an extra fee just to get to your actual destination.


Hey, don't be such a square. "Ransom" is such an ugly, lawyer-y word. Think of it as an outside-the-box business model. With occasional torture. And if you don't or can't pay up, then who knows where you'll end up? Every vacation truly ends in a surprise!

3) Drug Muling

The final (and most lucrative) money maker that airlines need to capitalize on is offering flyer rebate incentives for any passenger willing to take a balloon full of heroin up the pooper and transport it across state and/or international lines.

The airlines are hurting folks, but you know what's not hurting? International drug trading. Those guys are making bazillions.

Now, we know some of these may seem a little extreme, but really, is having drugs up your butt while you backpack through the desert with your family taken hostage really any worse than the way airlines treat you now?

Cheers and stay classy folks,
B&B

Beer: Hamm's (it's all we can afford after the airlines the coyotajes robbed us blind)
Music: Flight Facilities

113 comments:

  1. Shhh! No! What are you doing!?! Take this post down! You can't give them any more ideas on how to rectally violate their customers.
    On the plus side of air travel, after the last time I flew, I was so scrunched up and contorted in a diabolical yoga pose due to their ever-shrinking leg room, that I am now able to orally service myself.

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    1. At a certain point, I think they'll just start stowing people away in the overhead bin storage. "Ohhh, thank God, it's SO much more comfortable up here..."

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  2. They could always cram more people on the airplane. We don't really need bathrooms, do we? And what about all that unused wing area? Strap a few people out there.

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    1. Also the cockpit. Planes can practically fly themselves, anyway. Just shove about... 20 people in there, I'd guess, based on current seating logistics.

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  3. I haven't flown in years. After reading this I realize I haven't missed anything.

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    1. You know, I always hear tales from old people about how flying in the 50s/60s was magical - people could smoke and drink as much as they wanted, you'd get free meals and drinks, and people actually looked forward to flying like it was its own mini vacation. And you could show up 10 minutes before a flight and make it on time.

      To which I say damn dirty lies. A flight is nothing more than getting to experience what it feels like to be a human sardine, after a 2 hour rectal scan by an angry TSA employee looking for bombs that don't exist.

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  4. It all is such a shame really, for a while it became really possible for lots of people to fly, but these days, who can afford it any more? We used to go to England for Christmas now and again, totally cost prohibitive these days.

    Why do they need so much room in the cockpit?

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    1. Pssh, not just the cockpit. What about all of that storage below the plane where they keep the cargo? I bet we could cram at LEAST 100 more people down there. "$50 off if you ride your own luggage!"

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  5. Don't get me started. AIr Canada just gouged me bad, man. I could fly to Europe for what I'm paying for a crappy Xmas flight a mere couple of provinces away.

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    1. Remember a time when not just the 1% could fly First Class if you were feeling like splurging a little?

      ...Yeah, me neither.

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  6. Don't give them any ideas guys. If you want to have fun finding out how airlines screw people over just look up Ryan Air. They're infamous over here for all the hidden charges and everything. So much so someone made the joke that they would like to serve the chap in charge a beer saying it was "From 50p". Then he'd give him an empty glass and charge him extra for the beer. They also have some good ideas though, like in flight porn on offer. Because nothing says risky masturbation like watching porn in a giant metal tube surrounded by people.

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    1. Holy crap, as if sitting next to a complete creeper for 3 hours wasn't already horrifying enough. Now I have to watch him spank it to furry porn.

      Also, Ryan Air - isn't that the one that started charging customers to use the bathroom? If so, we complain about our airlines, but thankfully it hasn't (yet) gotten THAT bad.

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    2. Yeah Ryan Air are THOSE guys. The flights are super cheap unless you want to be able to feel any degree of comfort, or survive in one piece.

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    3. Ryan Air is run by my own cousin Michael O'Leary and it's him I did my O'Leary Air spoofs on. Every thing I wrote were things he actually did. He doesn't care what people think. He;s the most profitable airline in aviation history. It's complete and utter hell to fly Ryan Air though.

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    4. Holy crap, as if O'Leary Air wasn't funny enough, that just made those bits infinitely more funny. Don't show him this post. He'll probably get ideas.

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  7. I am convinced they want to cut down on customers but the damn customers just keep coming back and flying again. I'm not sure what it would take for people to get disgusted enough to stop using their service.

    I don't fly very often. I am already in the right place so I don't need to.

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    1. About 90% of the time if we have to go out of state we just drive. The wife's parents live in Vegas, and any time we go visit them, we hop in the car and go. Not only is it hundreds cheaper to drive, but somehow a quiet 10 hour drive is more tolerable than a 2 hour TSA scan (Let me know if you see any cancer cells in there, will you?) followed by a cramped 2 hour flight where I can't even bring my own water to drink because it might be a refreshing, zero calorie bomb.

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  8. I'm still trying to train a dragon to fly so I can conqu... fly anywhere I want without no silly airplanes. But he's still a bit mean. Even after I named him Fluffy.

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    1. I don't think I have to tell you that I'd rather be tossed around like a bowling ball in a washing machine while riding the back of an angry dragon that wants to eat me than I would ever step foot on a Frontier airplane again.

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  9. I'll take the walking/back o' the pickup trip. At least I'll get some sunshine and 'fresh'ish air. For an additional fee, of course. As a child I always dreamed of moving far away from my family, so far I would need to fly to visit them. Now I'm thinking about it again, just knowing they would have to go through all of this to visit me would make me so happy.

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    1. I didn't even think it was possible to use the airlines against someone to your own advantage. Did they just prove to be... helpful? I'm both astounded and impressed.

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  10. I haven't flown since my trip to Wisconsin in 2010, and I seriously doubt I will ever fly again the rest of my life. Once they brought the TSA into the airports to take photos of the airline company customers' genitals and began bodily searching little old ladies to make sure they weren't Islamic terrorists carrying bombs or cardboard cutters onto the planes, I said: NO MORE! THIS STOPS WITH ME!

    If every citizen of the U.S.A. (Unbridled Satanic Agency) had taken the same stance I did and simply refused to fly as long as we were being terrorized in airports by heartless government goons, you can be sure that within two weeks of no income, the airlines themselves would have gone to war with Uncle Scam and the government terrorism would have been gone within 3.5 weeks.

    But now, everyone just accepts that airport terrorism is the new black, and they go on as if nothing important has changed.

    Oh, wait! It just dawned on me that this is a comedy blog and I'm missing the humor in all this because I'm taking it too seriously. Sorry. My mistake.

    "Bad STMcC! Bad STMcC! No $12. can of Budweiser and a plastic cup with an airline logo for YOU!"

    Guess I'll just stay home in my boxer shorts and this cheap case of Lagunitas 'New DogTown Pale Ale' and thumb through this oversized, full-color Reader's Digest book 'The Most Scenic Drives In America'. (If I drink enough beer, maybe I'll find myself flying anyway.)

    ~ STMcC
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. I drive everywhere, even Vegas, but this year Cali was just a bit too far to drive. But not that that would do anything if I didn't fly. Like you said, everyone just rolled over and accepted it.

      You want humor? The guy from the Mythbusters (science show on Discovery) had a great talk on how he got past TSA with two 12 inch razor blades. He even went through the body scan. As he joked, apparently they were too busy looking at his junk to notice them.

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  11. It's ridiculous, cost me less to go to say florida than it does to go to a place maybe a 10 hour drive away. American TSA agents are waaay more uptight than Canadian ones too. Maybe they work too much and don't get to see the ass cracks at walmart so they need their thrill from somewhere?

    Soon they'll just stuff us all in cages like they do pets and pile us up one by one until the plane is full.

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    1. It actually cost us more to fly to Cali (for just 2 people) than it would have to drive. By hundreds. But with the wife only having a few days off, we didn't have the time. Otherwise we would have. Where the hell does all of that money go, anyway? It sure doesn't go into the decrepit, unkempt plane. Or toward any of my amenities. Which is zero. Even water, which is a free resource, is now something you have to pay $6 for.

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  12. I haven't flown anywhere in fifteen years. Why go anywhere when I've got a Taco Bell, Wal-Mart, AND a pizza joint that serves breakfast all within close proximity?

    But, if you guys really want to save some money, go to the store and grab, like, two hundred balloons or something. The old guy in UP was able to move his house with only a thousand balloons, so two hundred should be more than enough to transport you and your wife across country.

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    1. THIS is the exact kind of thing airlines don't want you to know. You know what else will get you to your destination in a hurry? Rocket skates. Just ask Wiley E. Coyote. And before you say, "But they just blow up in his face and turn him into a charred corpse," that was only because he was trying to chase down the stupid roadrunner and was not using it as genuine transportation.

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  13. Soon we'll all be flying in hot air balloons

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    1. No, don't say that! I'm sure the airlines can ruin those too.

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  14. Flying definitely isn't what it used to be!

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    1. Did it used to be good? I feel like both of us are at the age when we never truly got to experience "good" flying.

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  15. The last time I flew was to Vegas (but I'm in Florida, so that was a long-assed trip). I hate flying. I remember the days before the scanning, and it wasn't nearly so awful. The first time I flew after 9/11, I departed from the oh-so-tiny Augusta, GA airport. They didn't have the scanners you walk through, so the guy used a hand-held scanner on your body. He seemed particularly fascinated with my boobs, which made his metal scanner beep. When he lingered there, I became seriously frightened that an undressing would be the new requirement to PROVE that it was my bra... and I wasn't carrying knives in there. Because that is just where I want a knife.

    Since then I've flown in and out of much larger airports. It isn't any more fun than before.

    I can't believe they charged you for baggage... period. Even though the charge was less, I REALLY can't believe they charged you to sit next to your wife. That's insane. But, in the scheme of what is going on world-wide it actually makes insane. The whole world is insane. Why not the airlines????

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    1. On the way back the TSA scanned my wife's freshly baked holiday cheesecake to make sure it wasn't a bomb. Yeah, just let that set in.

      And for the record, the airline didn't technically charge us to sit next to each other. No, we refused to pay that. We just slyly asked nearby passengers to switch seats with us. That was our nice little middle finger to Frontier.

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  16. I really should proofread before and not after.

    I meant... "But, in the scheme of what is going on world-wide it actually makes sense." Not insane. I went a bit repetitive with insane. Ooops, there is it is again.

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    1. Don't worry, airline surcharges make me so angrily insane I lose my words too. ;)

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  17. Look at you, boys! You're always trying to help people now. By explaining this post, you just saved the airlines and taught first time fliers what to expect. I wonder if you can count this as a charity and get tax refund?

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    1. We'd try to get a tax refund but I'm sure the airlines would find a way to take that, too.

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  18. Flying used to be an adventure, something to look forward to. Now it's utter hell. I remember having to come Stateside 3 months after 9/11. Clearing customs used to be a breeze. Now they check you for explosive residue, open all your bags, climb up your arse and treat you like a criminal.

    The price is outrageous as well. You're right it's cheaper to drive, but few people have the luxury of time. They've got us by the bollox and they know it.

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    1. I'm sure at a certain point people will just say, "Well, with the new and 'improved' TSA security scan it'll be 10 hours to fly vs 8 hours to drive. Let's just drive. That's faster." But that's exactly it. If we need to get somewhere across the country, we just kinda have to put our ankles up over our heads and take it. And whether it's the airline that's expensive to begin with or the one that's $100 cheaper (but after all of their surcharges/bag fees/seating fees it's still the same, if not more than the other airlines) they're gonna get you. They always do one way or another.

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  19. B&B:
    It has certainly changed (way too much) from the days when I used to fly, and that was both to visit people across the USA as well as for work.
    While I understand some sort of precautionary measure to ensure safety for ALL, it sickens me to see the knee jerk (executed by the feds) SO damn high, that they have a chronic case of "hoof and mouth" disease.
    Your cartoons are HILARIOUS, too!
    (the elves cracked me up)

    A while back, I had the "pleasure" of taking a bus excursion to Niagara Falls, And the BEST way to describe modern day airlines are BUS LINES FROM THE PAST...the passengers ALONE bear that much out.
    It's like riding public transit...in a bad part of town in many cases...only at "Angels 30"...!

    And all the "surcharges" are enough to make you upchuck in your shorts (which would cause yet ANOTHER fee , no doubt).

    Those that have to fly as a work-related task MUST be close to neurotic, having to endure such crap on a daily or weekly basis.

    I'd much rather stick to the highways of America, even If the odds of death are against me (the scenery is nicer and all "extra" charges are non-existent

    Excellent post, as always.

    Stay safe out there.

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    1. I'm just sad that since I grew up in a family that never traveled (and was always located near one another) that I never got to experience flying pre 9/11. Or maybe that's a good thing, since I don't know what I'm missing. Either way, I can see now why rich people just have their own private jets.

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  20. In April I'm supposed to be getting on an airplane for the first time in my life to fly for work. So um, yeah thanks for the heads up guys. My manager suggested that if I don't have my passport in time I might have to travel by bus. Travel by bus is starting to sound a little more attractive.

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    1. As someone who's flown a great deal, especially for work, I'd lean toward the bus. If you want to know what flying's like, just imagine the world's worst bus trip. It's cramped, everything smells like piss, and it shakes the whole time but everyone just pretends like that's normal. Except to get on this bus you have to stand in line for 2 hours and get every orifice on your body probed for so-called 'terrorist threats.'

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  21. PSST! Dudes! Ix-nay on the idea of getting the airlines in the mule business...how do you think I can afford all the friggin's music I buy?

    Want to know something funny? The last time I flew, since the airport was so busy, the Phoenix branch of the TSA Gestapo waived most of the protocols-you kept your shoes and belt on, did not go through the billion dollar scanners that still can't xray a freakin' sneaker, and it was almost like the old days.

    Which begs the question-since presumably the busier the airport is, the higher the risk of an incident, what's the point of all these stupid human tricks?

    I try to fly Southwest everywhere-I find them to at least be customer-focused, and once you get used to their boarding process, it's a pretty easy system.

    But I agree with McCarthy-the people have just bent over. I fly a few times a year, so I am not exactly helping, but I make comments about the rights violations every time I am in those lines, and most sheeple insist that this crap "makes us safer."

    Pass the Kool Aid!

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    1. I try to fly Southwest whenever I can, too. They're like the lesser of all evils. Frontier used to be good, which is why we flew them. We didn't know until we boarded that they had gotten bought out by Spirit Airlines (hands down the WORST airline in America) and basically become Spirit Airlines Jr.

      Also, I should mention that a year ago when I was going through security one of the machines was down so they just waved us through and had a guy "look" at us. All he did was just inspect us, like he somehow would see a bomb poking through my t-shirt, then waved us onward. Always good to know that if the machine goes down everyone just kinda shrugs and says, eh, just go through. You're probably fine anyway.

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    2. Which proves the point I made in a blog bit years ago...all this has nothing to do with making us safe...but everything to do with making us compliant!

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  22. Last time I flew I got to pick my seat for, what, zero extra charge iirc? And it wasn't even an expensive luxurious flight company, because rich students don't exist.
    Flying is still new to me (I've only been in the skies four times in my life), so it's all cool and majestic; "holy shit clouds!" "holy shit I'm still watching clouds an hour into the flight!" "oh look, the wing of the plane is wobbling!". I consider myself pretty lucky I went places by plane, even though that's fairly normal by now. Then again, my wet dreams are basically me traveling the globe, so yeah.

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    1. I think you're lucky because (I believe) the majority of these awful, charge-you-for-everything airlines is in America. All of the good airlines are in Europe. So enjoy those clouds while you can, my friend! That beautiful sight might not always be free!

      "If you'd like to open your window and look outside, just slide your credit card in the slot. The window will snap shut in approximately 30 minutes, so do watch your hands."

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  23. You know, now that you mention it- I bet drug lords free up a lot of productivity time by skipping meetings and not being obsessive about paper work. The airlines aren't the only ones who could benefit from looking outside the corporate model for suggestions.

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    1. Not just that, but they literally murder all competition. It's a pretty solid business strategy. So hey, who knows? Your next corporate productivity seminar might be hosted by "Tiny" and "ChainDawg."

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  24. I hate flying. Crowded planes, show up two hours early to sit around in uncomfortable seats, carry heavy bags for miles of corridors. But the WORST, no Diet Pepsi in the airports. Why the hell can't we have more choice than coke!!!!

    Well, this is weird; I've encountered captcha everywhere on the blogs today, even my own and I checked to be sure it is turned off. How'd you guys beat the devil?

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    1. For all that trouble, they can't even offer Diet Pepsi? No wonder I never try to get a drink at the airport. I'm sure my selection of beer would be Bud and Bud Light and more Bud.

      We beat the devil simply because that captcha thing only seems to affect blogs with pop-out comment boxes. That, and they probably realized that the stuff we say in the comment section is a million times worse than robo-spam.

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  25. My friend and I flew to VA this past summer. First of all, her suitcase was a couple pounds over the 50 lb. limit, and they wanted to charge her an extra $100....jeez! We scrambled to put some stuff in my suitcase which was a few pounds under. The flight home was bumpy all the way. We needed a couple shots of whiskey to help with the nerves. We are keeping our feet on the ground and driving to next year's destinations.

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    1. That "oversized luggage" thing is another BS charge, if only because planes are capable of carrying these. 52 lbs worth of luggage is nothing.

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  26. Fun but true! I hate flying and small leg spaces.

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    1. I love that if you pay an extra $50 per ticket for "more leg space" all you really get is an extra 3-4 inches. Oh wow, now I can put my legs at a 45 degree angle instead of a 90 degree angle. SUCH LUXURY!

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  27. I spent three years living on a very tiny island. Trust me when I say, sometimes you simply have to get 'off island'. TSA on the island was a joke. They had one of the newfangled total 'see everything' body scanners and still patted everybody down. ARE you kidding me? Then on one one trip to the DR (Dominican Republic)...well, you don't even want to know how much fun it was there. It would take me three or four blog posts to describe some of their atrocities.

    While much of life in 'these United States' has become similar to what it's like in 'third world countries'; the real 'third world countries can be a horror show. Since I've come back to the States, I've made a few long ass drives to visit family, like this past Thanksgiving, but flying - no than you.

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    1. Wow, I thought it was either one or the other - the body scan OR the pat down, aka "see your genitals or just cup them." But both? That sounds absolutely miserable.

      Anything under 10 hours I'll drive in a heartbeat. It's just so much more relaxing to be cruising on the empty road than it is to get felt up by Tyler Perry in drag (every TSA officer I've ever seen).

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  28. It's the obvious, natural progression. And taking a piece of the drug trade to capitalize the airlines? Genius.

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    1. I just hope that drug money is enough to keep those poor airlines afloat. If not, they might have to move into the gun trade as well.

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  29. And when they say "You are now free to roam about the cabin," they mean, "You may walk freely, but first, pay us $7 to exercise your right to movement and $25 for liability purposes. When you attempt to get past that fat woman taking two seats next to you, you'll likely get injured. It's not our fault.

    I used to love the honey roasted peanuts. That was my favorite part about flying. Then they charged for them, and I've been outraged ever since. I'm shocked that they charge you if you want to sit next to your loved one. That's completely asinine. It can't be worth it to them to take the risk of people scrambling to switch seats, angry flyers, and flight rage. Idiots!

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    1. I just wonder who the hell is paying for this. I'm sure someone is, but the first 15 minutes of each flight was everyone awkwardly asking around who was willing to trade seats. The answer: pretty much everyone. Ultimately I got to sit next to my wife; it just took a little finagling. Where there's a will, there's always a way.

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  30. I haven't flown in more than a dozen years, and all of this makes me never want to fly again.

    1. I haven't had a chance to get to the dragon, yet. I'm trying to, but... well, I'm sure you understand how it goes sometimes.
    2. I switched my comments to embedded since it seems you can't actually get rid of the stupid captcha thing. Drop by and test it for me.

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    1. You know, once upon a time I dreaded flying. The actual flying itself, as it always makes me nauseous. But now with everything else being so miserable a little turbulence and some jet lag is the absolute least of my problems.

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  31. I am starting to feel that driving for hours on end is more enjoyable.

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    1. At this point, so is going by dog sled or tricycle.

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  32. Eeesh. I can't imagine thanksgiving travel was fun, especially with the east coast weather mucking things up even more.

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    1. Well, I was in California, so the east coast weather was truly the last thing on my mind, but it certainly didn't help Thanksgiving travel as a whole and I guess it's a reminder that it could have been even worse?

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  33. These are some very horrible suggestions, and I have absolutely no doubt that all of the airlines will gladly be taking all of them to heart within the next 2 years. Thanks a lot for giving us all a heads up, though. Now, when I need to go across the country, I will know that the better option for me and my family is traveling by goat. Goats never charge extra for beverages! Oh no, free goat's milk with every ticket!

    PS: The cartoon with you guys in the desert being whipped by that dude? My favorite part is by far the image of Brandon lying face down in the sand, with that little smile that says plainly that he can feel the cold, clammy hand of death, and he is eagerly awaiting its grip...

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    1. Yeah, but just wait until the goat handlers start taking after the airlines and add a surcharge for the goat's milk. And for a saddle. You want a blanket while you ride? Yeah, that'll be $5. Is no one safe?

      PS: Thank you for noticing that! I'd like to think in that moment of grand delusion shortly before his imminent death he saw the face of God... and then the Frontier coyote whipped him back into consciousness and brought him screaming back into the terribleness that is reality.

      We cartoonists are fun like that.

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  34. What a terrible time of the year to fly. I leave the house as little as possible during the holidays. No flying, no driving if I can avoid it, and absolutely no shopping. Having said that, I have no problem with the heroin balloon up the butt, so if someone has a job for me, please let me know.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I don't know if there's any airlines willing to hire heroin butt smugglers (they still won't return my calls... rude), but there's a guy named "Skullfucker" who says he'd be willing to work with you. He sounds nice.

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    2. Excellent! I bet I'll recognize him by his tats.

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  35. And that's just a few of the reasons I will never fly again. Boycott the airlines for even a month and if they see a huge drop in their profit margins they will quit their BS. I'm telling you the truth if people would just stop flying for a little while, these airlines would start begging people to come back and maybe some of the crap they pull would be stopped.

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    1. I wish more people would think like us. This is the first flight I've taken in years and it was a necessity. Any other time I drive, even if it's a 12 hour trip. It's just sad how many people at the airport are just like, "Welp, this sucks, but this is just how life is now so I accept it without taking any action whatsoever."

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  36. I'm flying from Louisiana to Colorado Christmas week to ski. I'll be dragging my emotional baggage with me through the TSA like a boss. It'll be over their limits, but I'll be dragging it.

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    1. I hope you can still manage to carry all that emotional baggage after your every orifice is violated by Big Bertha the surly TSA agent. I hear that adds at least 50 more lbs.

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  37. And here I am, practically planning my next trip. Perhaps I should rethink this. Or perhaps I should rethink the "going back home" part.

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    1. Depends. How far is home? If it's a 12 hour drive or less, I almost side with driving. My crappy car is infinitely more comfortable over 12 hours than a cramped, unpadded airline seat is for 2.

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  38. Flying? Me no fly! Me travel by car to destinations beyond the ten borders of home!

    Seriously though, the last time I flew, Eastern Airlines was still in business, as well as TWA.

    Stay thirsty my friends.

    Father Nature's Corner

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    1. TWA? Terrorists With Attitude? Was that a mid 90s Al-Qaeda rap supergroup?

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  39. I love Frontier's slogan. Hilarious. And, sadly has a touch of truth. I don't know what fancy schmancy airline you went on where you got food AND a seat but it wasn't the one I used. I paid extra for "leg room" but what I really got was a kneeful of the seat in front of me and a screaming kid the entire flight. Oh, but there was an inflight movie if you forked over $45 for some ear buds.

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    1. Food? What, mistakenly dropped under the seats? There was no food, nor drink on my flight. At least not of the free variety. And yes, isn't that 'extra leg room' a joke? You can now move your feet 2 more inches, and your seat inclines one more degree. Aren't you so comfortable now?

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  40. "Destination Charges"

    That sounds eerily like something that could actually happen.

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    1. Then I need to copyright that, pronto. I mean, hey, just because everyone will have to suffer doesn't mean *I* can't profit off of it.

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  41. The only thing that could be worse than what you've described would be to serve that Hamm's beer on the plane!

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  42. I'm going on a trip in January and am exceedingly thrilled to find out what new and exciting fees have been added, and which amenities have been stopped. The bag thing shocked me the last time. I'm waiting for the day that they make all the passengers step on a scale and they charge you by your weight. Cause you know that day is coming!

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    1. "I'm sorry, sir, but your folds are costing us. You understand that we need to offset the massive amounts of fuel you're wasting by being morbidly obese, right?"

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  43. I hate flying, and people, and refuse to fly during the holidays, because - guess what? It involves flying and people. But you have to pay to sit together? Are you fucking kidding me? Will they extort oral sex to get a seat that's nailed to the floor?

    Of course, living near Portland, I narrowly made it to the airport around the throngs of protesters.

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    1. I hate all of those things too, but apparently that's not an acceptable excuse when my wife's family all gets together for Thanksgiving for the first time in 6 years. Weak.

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  44. Hey guys so it's been almost 2 years since I checked you guys out (I'm lame I know) but you guys are still the best blog out there! The last time I flew I had some goods and bads. The good: I got to meet Jim Belushi (he's the living one right? ). He dropped a bag at SFO and I helped him with it and he paid for my cab ride. So that was way cool.

    The bad part, while I was getting on the plane I got searched three times and pulled out of line for a "random" search where they emptied my carry on (which is all I take anymore )and did not help me out with putting it back. BASTARDOS! At the time I had been growing my winter coat aka a full and glorious beard and had been getting those great leering looks from TSA so I just knew it wasn't going to be a fun trip. So yeah...I'm with you guys FLYING SUCKS!

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    1. Ouch. You know flying is lame when your best experience is meeting the Belushi brother no one cares about.

      By the way, what is it about beards that makes the TSA more likely to single them out? Do terrorists smuggle bombs in theirs, or something? I thought on its worst day the only thing a beard could harbor was some serious donut crumbs.

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  45. Really? Is it true about the Seat Bingo? You have to pay extra now to sit next to the people you're traveling with? I haven't flown for a couple years, and I knew about the extra (read: any) baggage fee. But the Seat Bingo? Good Gawd.
    You guys are hysterical, btw, and should be syndicated in every newspaper in the U.S. You know, the newspapers that are left. All four of them.

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    1. Seat Bingo is 100% true. The first 15 minute of each flight was thus spent with everyone awkwardly asking each other if they'd be willing to trade seats. Some weren't so lucky, like the woman who couldn't sit next to her 10 year old daughter. Way to fucking go, Frontier.

      And hey, I've seen a newspaper before. That's the thing you hit your dog with, right?

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  46. Now, I feel really lucky that the airline didn't charge me extra for pacing up and down the cabin in the middle of the night when I couldn't sleep. I think the final straw will be when they start charging for toilet paper! I don't think I'd be a good sport about the balloon trick, or "Seat Bingo." One flight attendant on Spirit apologized about our long delay a few years ago, before he started blasting the airline for still charging us for snacks. To make matters worse, he sang a song about it. This was outstanding Bryan and Brandon!

    Julie

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    1. I feel bad for the flight attendants. Especially because they almost don't even have a job anymore. They comb the aisles asking if people want anything, but since it all costs an arm and a leg everyone just ignores them. What a waste.

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  47. I'm that crazy person that actually enjoys flying. Probably because it only happens once every few years. Take off is like street racing, and that's a high without the balloon!

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    1. The take off ITSELF isn't so bad, it's the before and after that's not so fun.

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  48. As long as it's not a night flight, I'm okay with airports and planes. Maybe because I'm a light packer ;-)

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    1. I'm also a bit certain it's because your country's airport security system is a little less, uh, rectally aggressive than ours... ;)

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  49. That Mexican flight attendant looks a lot like Danny Trejo. But then, all Mexicans look like that to me.

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    1. We're both half Mexican, so I'd like to think there's a little bit of Danny Trejo in both of us... figuratively. Not literally. This isn't a Mexican prison, after all.

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  50. Like I wasnt worried enough with travelling through American airport security you tell me that the flights are scary too?
    At least I now know I have some options

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    1. Not so much "scary" as "awful, invasive of privacy, and money grubbing." Which, I guess in some ways is pretty scary.

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  51. I'm allergic to nominal, highly reasonable fees. But what could be more fun than an outside-the-box business model? That's right... nothing.

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    1. You haven't truly lived until you've paid for water (which, according to Earth, is free), paid to sit next to someone you love, and paid just to make sure your luggage wasn't thrown in a trash can.

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    2. I always pay to sit next to someone I love. Weren't you married as well?

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    3. I was married, but that's an extra $5 fee per flight, so now we just say we're both single.

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  52. Replies
    1. Right back at you. Good to see you around these parts again!

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  53. Flying really WAS a whole different animal in the '60s and '70s. A much classier and enjoyable experience, all the way around.

    Our daughter, son-in-law and a group of their friends recently had a horrific experience. They thought they saving money by booking a flight on a little out-of-the- country based airline for their trip to Costa Rico. (Can't remember the name of the airline... something like "Spirit.") Anyhow, when they showed up at the Atlanta airport to take the first leg of the trip to Ft. Lauderdale, they were informed the flight had been cancelled. No explanation, no refund, no nothing. They had to buy additional tickets on another airline to get to Florida to make the next part of the flight. (Which luckily, wasn't cancelled.) Since they got back home, they'll been trying in vain to get their money back. No luck.It's a matter of "Too bad, so sad." AKA na-nee-na-nee-boo.boo. Talk about an expensive lesson.

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    1. ...They can do that? Is that even legal? I mean, I understand the whole switcharoo thing of, "Oh, you wanted to sit next to your wife? Well, you have to pay extra for that. Don't like it? Too bad." But canceling a flight and getting no refund is pretty much akin to "Oh, you ordered the lobster? Well, the lobster wasn't here today. But you still owe us $200 for your meal. Don't like it? Piss off."

      And yes, the name is Spirit Airlines, which is ironic, because it's a company that has absolutely no soul.

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