Monday, December 15, 2014

All Hail the Radio Dick Jockey

Some people say that radio is dead. Those people are assholes. The radio is alive and well, and pumping out the future classics as successfully as it ever has, every hour on the hour. When it comes to the whole topic of live radio vs streaming, these young kids seem to think streaming is the future. So today, we want to outline why radio will always reign supreme.

A few of our older fans may remember that back in 2012 we did a radio interview with a fairly popular Internet radio station whose name has been changed in order to protect the innocent cover our asses. They had us on as their guests for the hour, and so we saw firsthand how radio dominates streaming.


Where does radio conquer streaming? Only everywhere. But if you want specifics, we'll give you a list. Starting with...

#1. Commercials - How Else Would I Know McDonald's Has A Value Meal?

Let's face it, too much uninterrupted music gets pretty boring. It's nice to mix it up a bit with long-winded ads for mattress factories and mortgage brokers. Now, streaming may have commercials, but when it comes to unapologetic advertising, radio has streaming beat hands down. In radio, there's a bare minimum of 10 minutes of second-rate McDonald's ads and miracle weight loss pills to every 3 minutes of music. Streaming just can't top that.




#2. DJs - Those Golden Voiced Angels

It's like streaming isn't even trying with this one. They don't even HAVE DJs. And who doesn't want to spend their morning commute listening to the razor sharp wit of "Jimmy and the Doosh-Nozzle," dishing out more lame Kim Kardashian and Justin Bieber news than you can handle between enough "zany" sound effects to make Benny Hill roll over in his grave?

And it IS news they're reporting on, people. These guys are practically journalists.





#3. Let's Play This Song Until You Hate It

In streaming, songs are played completely at random, usually tailored to your own liking. But the radio says 'fuck variety!' If the masses say they love a song, then dammit, the radio is going to play that song every hour on the hour until even just the thought of that song's title entering your brain makes you want to rip your own ears off. Hell, turn on the radio right now and I bet you can STILL heard Lorde warbling through the hit song every person on this planet has heard at least 7,000 times, "Royals."



#4. Personal Testimonials - This Product Works For Me Because They Paid Me To Say It Did

We've already touched on commercials and on DJs, but to show you just how great radio is, they've actually combined the two into one amazing feature: the DJ testimonial! Sure, you could hear a quick 30 second ad for a car dealership, but that's weak. Instead, you get the pleasure of hearing a 3 minute testimonial on how your favorite radio DJ went to Glen Tompkin's Kia and Hyundai just off the interstate and was treated like a king, and now he's rolling in the sexiest Kia Accent that $12,000 can buy. That equates to advertising (and radio) gold!




Yes, that's right folks, back in 2012 we were the special hour long guests on a live radio show and by the time they finally got to us that interview was the best 46 seconds we ever had. We answered one question, told one quick anecdote, and plugged one of our books so fast we could probably be voiceover artists for the side effects of prescription medicine.

Let's see music streaming top THAT kind of listening experience.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Brandon and Bryan

Beer: Deschutes Twilight Ale
Music: Music? We don't have time for music. We're too busy listening to the radio.

105 comments:

  1. Now I know why I listen to my iPhone music in my car...
    Don't forget all the personal DJ stories about their drive to work that morning.

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    1. Oh god yes! I think every lame DJ story I've ever heard started with the phrase, "Okay, get a load of this, guys. So I was driving to work this morning..."

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  2. On occasion, because I'm a masochist, I'll tune into my local "classic rock" station on my morning commute. They have two incredibly angry far right wingers that make Bill O'Reilly seem progressive, trying to do political humor which seems to consist of just puns of Obama's name. Then they roll into the same Lynard Skynard and Led Zepplin songs that have been ground into auditory dirt for forty years! Classic rock is a broad term, they have at least five decades of rock they could choose from, but no, by all means, play "Wheel in the Sky" again or one of two Joe Walsh songs we all know and loath.
    Rant over. I don't think I need coffee this morning as my rage has me wide awake.

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    1. Being a classic rock DJ must be the easiest job in the world. Don't forget to throw in pretty much any song by the Eagles ten times a day, because that's like the definitive classic rock group... right?

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    2. I've been saying that for years... with so much "Classic Rock" available, they shouldn't have to repeat a song for weeks! It boggles my mind that Classic Rock stations are programmed just as repetitively as Top 40 stations.

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  3. Wow I am impressed that we both used boner in a post today. Your description of radio DJ's is so accurate. My dad was a DJ all my life, until recently when he decided living on my couch like a rockstar wannabe was a better option. He use to get pissed that I wouldn't listen to the radio except the weekly countdown, but I didn't want to listen to dumb commercials and him talking for hours.

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    1. That's the most bonerific thing I've heard all day.

      Wait, so DJs still want you to listen to them, even at home? Did he understand that hearing him repeat stories you already knew wasn't fun? Or that if he's like the DJs around here and talks constantly about his family, the last thing you want to tune into is, "Okay, so let me tell you all about something stupid my kid did today..." Followed by, "Let's take some calls."

      Ghetto Girl On Line 1: "Hai, this is Sharqueesha. I, like, really think that Holly should get her shit together, y'alls. Dat ain't right."

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    2. lol yes that is pretty much life with dad. I went to school with people that actually listened to him and would tell me when he would say stuff about me. oddly enough though he would never listen to music at home.

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  4. I really hate radio, especially the constant playing of only a handful of songs. Then we they get call requests, some idiot is like "uh how about blah blah, I haven't heard it for like 20 minutes".

    Locally we also have a conservative talk radio station in the Upstate SC area, and came across it by accident, but it was strangely fascinating of how disturbing it is especially the people who call in. For example they had one guy call that was sure that Abraham Lincoln was a secret gay communist poet.

    One of the radio hosts was a really old white guy, and he would pretty much say whatever was on his mind. He hated non-Christians, liberals to moderate republicans, gay people, and minorities and didn't mind stating why on a daily basis. He died of a heart attack earlier this year, and the local press was like "legendary DJ passes away".

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    1. That's fantastic. We have a hardcore Christian radio station that just took over here, and it's funny to tune in sometimes and hear some of the ridiculous things they play. Like one solid hour of call-in testimonials from people who are cured of "the gay."

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  5. And you have to hear the same damn stories about what they did that day or the day before 50 times. It's like they stupid co worker that won't shut up and tells everyone the same story. At least you can turn the radio off.

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    1. And don't forget that they have to take calls on that same story they already talked about 50 times, in which after each commercial break they have to remind the listener of the entire back story. You know, "for those just tuning in..." But it's all worth it to get quality feedback from our most informed of citizens.

      Ghetto Girl On Line 1: "Hai guys, this is Sharqueesha. Like, I just think that's ruh-DICK-a-luss, and that they need to stop. Because dat's not right, y'alls."

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  6. Replies
    1. YOU TOO CAN HAVE THE MOOBS OF YOUR DREAMS WITH FAT BURNER 3000! I WENT FROM PECS TO A C CUP IN JUST THREE WEEKS! THANKS FAT BURNER 3000!

      Delete
  7. I have to agree with Debra. The man boobs are seared into my brain. Damn you, Alcoholic-Beverage-In-the-Bathtub guys!

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    1. Oh Braxton and Baron, what will they think of next?

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  8. On one local radio station here, there is an ad that says it is SUCH a good deal that it's only opening it up to people whose names begin with A-H or something - everybody else can call later on.

    I have been waiting for 10 years for them to get to the K's, but no such luck.

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    1. And you've been withholding this precious secret from two Bs for the last 10 years because...?

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  9. I actually don't listen to the radio much, but I don't stream either. I do listen to a lot of podcasts though and co-host one of my own, bwfradio.com live every Sunday at 2PM EST! Sorry guys but I have to plug things every chance I can get. Speaking of plugs, I'm sure that plugs appear in at least one of my stories now available on Amazon. You'll have to buy them all to be sure.

    Okay to actually be serious I think it's possible to do plugs and adverts in a non-annoying manner. It's not like Youtube doesn't display ads before videos. It's all about how you order things like adverts and plugs and how long you do them. I prefer say, a 30 second to one minute spot every half an hour than a ten minute plug fest to start a show. As long as there's a way to deliver adverts that medium will never die. Give it time and streaming will probably have DJs as media giants refuse to let progress happen.

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    1. Hey, that's why we wanted to be on this radio show. We'd get to talk to the hosts, crack some jokes (dammit, I'd like to think we're good at that, even live), tell some amusing stories, and end it with a very quick plug of our book. Instead, after all of the garbage, I wasn't kidding: we answered a single question, gave a very quick anecdote, and then were rushed to plug our book before they cut us off. Terrible.

      If it tells you anything, it wasn't even just because we aren't "huge." A member of Slayer called in for a segment before ours, and they gave him a grand total of 90 seconds to talk before they axed him, too.

      And hey, did you say that was bwfradio.com every Sunday at 2 PM EST? Because if so, everyone should tune in to bwfradio.com every Sunday at 2 PM EST.

      (Don't forget to directly insert the link with HTML)

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    2. I love you guys.

      No homo.

      Delete
  10. >>... Some people say that radio is dead. Those people are assholes.

    Now THAT is solid journalism! Get to the point quickly and make your point pointedly! No wishy-washy beating-around-the-bush HERE!

    Also, I happen to agree with your analysis, Beer Boys.

    I now have a Spotify account and I'm listening to whatever I choose to hear at work... while working (aka "staying awake") of course.

    Not much ticks me off more than two smart-alecky, untalented, unfunny guys who mistakenly think they're a laugh-riot together... and radio stations across this country are FULL OF 'EM!

    After you get past the original BOB & RAY, everything else was just a very poor imitation, and the younger the duo is the more obnoxious it is. At times I've wanted to reach through my radio speaker and just strangle Jim & Richie, or Tom & Larry, or Bill & William, or Michael & Michelle, or Carlos & The Chicken.

    There is an episode of Frasier titled 'Radio Wars' in which Frasier Crane gets into it with the station's new dumb-ass supposed "comedian duo", Carlos & The Chicken. It wasn't a particularly good episode, in my opinion, but it did perfectly illustrate the sort of lame, juvenile, so-called "humor" that these sorts of radio duos have been bothering the public with for decades. Yeah, give me streaming music of my choice, DJ-free, and you can shove Carlos up The Chicken's butt and fry 'em both together!

    I have little use for people who overestimate their sense of humor by 99.53%, and who mistake "smart-aleck" for "laugh-riot".

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    POSTSCRIPT:
    Wow! I learned what a "Neckbeard" is just in time for this installment of 'ABFTS'. (My reply is finish but need to be proofread before I sand it too you brian.)

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    1. Now THAT is solid journalism! Get to the point quickly and make your point pointedly! No wishy-washy beating-around-the-bush HERE!

      Why thank you! We learned this tactic by listening to a lot of political themed news radio stations. Today's report: liberals are hippie fucktards and conservatives are wrinkly old ballsacks. That is all.

      Not much ticks me off more than two smart-alecky, untalented, unfunny guys who mistakenly think they're a laugh-riot together... and radio stations across this country are FULL OF 'EM!

      Thank God you added that last part, otherwise I might think you were talking about us. And you haven't yet heard our on air personas 'Brandon & The Beef.' We've got a prank call bit (where The Beef pretends to be a ghetto Mexican stripper) that would make Bob and Ray spin in their graves so fast they could actually change the rotational pull of the Earth.

      Delete
  11. The worst is sports talk radio. It's usually two nasally-voiced windbags arguing about whether a player should be traded because he had one bad game. Then, when the player blows up the next game, it's as if the dialogue of the previous week had never occurred.

    About once a month I'll tune into the radio to see if there's any songs I might like, but it's mostly just the same stuff playing over and over again. Every song has the same generic bass loop, just with different lyrics. "That was Chery Berry with 'He's Not My Type. Up next we have Nisa Bodisa with "My Type is What He's Not.'" God, I sound like an old man already.

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    1. It's even better when all they can do is kiss the ass of our local sports star. "But let's talk about Peyton Manning just ONE more time and reiterate how good he is at doing the football! Yesterday he did the football better than the other team did the football so in conclusion he is super good at doing the football."

      Just you wait. Soon enough you'll be yelling at those damn kids to get off your lawn. And next time I'm keeping this damned frisbee.

      Delete
  12. I don't really mind the afternoon DJ's. It's just those damn morning drive, Wacky Zoo Fun In The Morning Crazy Crew Fun Time Wild Hijinks Comedy guys, that I hate. After they leave, I will listen to terrestrial radio.
    Streaming has it's drawbacks as well. I based an entire Pandora station off of one song, that it has yet to play. It's played a mix version of the song, and other songs by the artist, but not the song I built the station around. You'd better get to the bottom of that.

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    1. Or what about if you're like me and you listen to hipster shit? So there's really nothing like it out there, meaning I put one song into a Pandora "channel," and it just suddenly plays this one band's music all day long. I already have that service, Pandora. It's called their album. Get your shit together.

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  13. Thanks for letting me know radio still exists. I haven't turned mine on in over a decade. I used to listen to it on the way to work, but those morning guys and gals aren't funny. They think they are, but they're not. And I noticed that no matter what city I lived in they all sounded alike. There's some generic voice they must all learn in order to get the job.

    But I don't know anything about streaming either. I'm not even sure what it is.

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    1. Streaming is like radio-lite. You list some of your favorite artists on the website, and it plays their songs all day long. Essentially it's for people who haven't figured out what albums are.

      "They just played my favorite song! Now if only I could play that song on my own any time I wanted..."

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  14. "It's the top of the hour folks. Coming up we've got Showering Young Boys in Beer, but first we're gonna talk to Neckbeard about his triple bypass surgerayyyyy."

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    1. Neckbeard: "...And then I woke up from surgery and saw the sexy Asian nurse standing over me! I thought I died on the table and went to heaven! I was like, whoa baby, me so horny!"

      (*awooooooga* sound effect)

      Johnny: "Oh Neckbeard, that's priceless! Well, sorry folks, but that story ran a BIT over schedule and our producer says we're all outta time, but stay tuned for tomorrow when we finally talk to Brad and Brent the Shower Beard guys after we play for you our brand new heeeelarious spoof song "All About That BUTT."

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  15. And how is it that every radio station has crappy commercials playing at the exact same time?!?! And no music, at all. What kinda black magic sorcery is that, anyway?
    I'm just kinda glad that at least they don't play glee cover versions. Or do they?

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    1. I stopped listening to the radio ages ago, but for all I know, they could. I mean, just when you think your soul has been sucked out by enough excruciatingly cringeworthy Kim Kardashian "has a big butt" jokes, it can always be worse, like "Glee doing a cover of Nirvana" worse.

      "And next up, Kurt Cobain rising from the grave just so he can shoot himself once more."

      Delete
  16. First, I must say that this was really funny, and I know you pulled it together very quickly. I applaud you for that endless reserve of creativity. Second, I must also say that there were two cases where Bryan mistakenly used two words instead of contractions. Bryan, 30-year-old guys just don't talk this way. I have it on excellent authority. They use contractions. Granted, the second was a quote from The Princess Bride... sort of... and they do talk that way, so you get a pass on that one. But, even that goofy DJ said, "I am"... he must be part of that generational gap who just don't get/use contractions OR you've been reading crap from too many (or just one) old people who don't think in contractions. Pull it together, man! You won't be able to conversate with your peers. Literally.

    Now, let's talk about me. hehehehe.

    I've got six different stations programmed into my "favorites" in the car. What constantly astounds me is that they ALL go to commercial at the same time. Is this a conspiracy? The goal is to make me choose which ad I find least offensive???

    Now, I've found that the Christian radio station doesn't try to be funny. I don't think they even have two DJs yukking it up in the morning, or any other time. Someone occasionally comes on and says, "The next song is..." and might follow it up with why they like it or something pertinent. I don't mind that. I also listen to JACK-FM rather a lot. They don't even have a DJ. Must say that is one of the biggest pluses for them, and they (seem) to have fewer commercials than the rest.

    In other news, I plan to send you an E soon (maybe later today????). As it turns out, I have questions about your X suggestion. Shocking, I know. ;)

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    1. I am not sure what it is that you are talking about but I am talking normally. Do not be weird about it.

      (In all fairness, neckbeards talk like Renaissance Festival carnies, so that's excusable)

      It's not a conspiracy, but it is a real thing. Just like TV, they all go to commercials at once so that you can't hop around stations between commercials and land on another station. Instead, you have to stick with what you're listening to and suffer through "pathetic, washed up football star from 10 years ago tells you all about his new gel insoles."

      Delete
  17. Deschutes! Woot woot!

    I have never been a radio guest, but...well, I'm not jealous.

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    1. It'd be worth being jealous over if we got to be actual guests for the hour and comment on things and crack jokes but apparently that's only reserved for the self absorbed hosts. We sat there in silence for 55 minutes while they rambled like idiots and played commercials and played 1-2 songs, and then we got to talk for all of 1 minute before we were shut down and kicked out. Our one minute was funnier than anything these goobers had said in their entire hour (the live chat going on indicated that everyone loved us) and yet we got ushered out faster than a failing vaudeville act.

      "Play me off, Johnny!"

      Delete
  18. WOW. You guys really got the Mornin' Zoo shaft. That blows. Especially having to SIT there and endure a radio show. I'm from Chicago, home of the wacky morning zoo a-holes. So many horrible shows, BUT we did have Johnny B, he was actually funny. Also when I was in my 20's one of our radio stations picked up Howard Stern. My life totally changed after that point. Now we have to PAY for Howard, so I never listen to the radio anymore. There could be an alien invasion and I would be blissfully unaware listening to Game of Thrones audiobook while my kids watch the AUDIO of a DVD in our mega-van. I will let them WATCH a movie, but not also listen. That's where I draw the line.
    Next time see if you can PHONE IT IN. Literally!

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    1. Next time we're just going on a popular podcast. All talk, no bullshit (theoretically), and people can download it later. You can't even listen to our interview now since it wasn't saved.

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  19. Yeah, I really liked Royals for the first half-dozen or so times I heard it. Wish they'd stop playing it -- assholes. Great line about assholes, by the way.

    Sounds like we had similar experiences. I did a radio interview with two hosts. They did a fairly nice job, though I had to talk super fast. Just as I began making my main point/s, they interrupted with commercials or their own longwinded blather. At least they didn't call me Byron.

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    1. And at least they didn't call me Myron.

      The best (worst) part about that interview was when we'd make a joke, one of the hosts would try to outdo us with their own joke and fail miserably. I guess the thought of having someone funnier than them on their own show (hint: not hard) was too much for them.

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    2. It does make you wonder why they asked you guys to do the show in the first place. And yeah, thank goodness they didn't stoop so low as to call you Myron.

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  20. Radio doesn't necessarily make songs hits, but once they're hits, they definitely keep 'em that way, what with their repetitive "our playlist is the top 100 of this month" on loop all day long. If you listen to radio once, maybe twice a week for a few hours, then it's pretty okay, but otherwise, eh.
    No denying there's some neat channels out there though, and internet radio definitely helps bring the actual non-stop channels to the people.

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    1. I'm still just not a big fan of random, crapshoot music. As stupid as it sounds, I just find my music on Youtube now. They have an amazing assortment of songs and artists, and about 90% of my music purchases this year alone came from artists I discovered via Youtube.

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  21. "All we hear is Radio Ga Ga, Radio Goo Goo...Radio, what's new? Radio, someone still loves yoooouuuu!!!" Yes, that's an actual song. 10.5 bonus points if you can guess who sang it!

    This post is just a truly blessed thing. I am pretty sure that the final cartoon was my favorite. A 10 minute commercial about how commercial-free they are? Genius!

    I hate listening to the radio. The commercials, the DJs, that caterwauling that they call "Today's Biggest Hits in Music..." No thanks! I'll just stick with my playlists and old, classic favorites. And if you guys want to do an Interview with a truly classy radio station, you should try "Bud 'n' Clem's Errrlee Morrnin' Show." No commercials, no sound effects, no microphones, okay so it's just two back country hicks in an old barn. The only music they play is on a washboard and a set of spoons. But hey, I hear that if you give them a good interview, they'll let you play the jug, or drum on the old barrel in the corner!

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    1. Hell, I bet if I brought in a jug of moonshine they'd let us take over the show ourselves for the whole hour. Hoooo-eeeey! I even brought my own spoons, and my co-author's gonna do a bitchin' 10 minute kazoo solo!

      Also, I'd like to redeem my 10.5 bonus points now in honor of the awesome Freddie Mercury. I'll take the 4 foot tall stuffed pineapple, please. These carnie prizes are just fantastic.

      Delete
    2. The bonus points are all yours, my friend. And so is the pineapple. 😀

      Oh, and the kazoo solo thing actually made me laugh aloud. That doesn't always happen. So...well done, you!

      Delete
  22. B&B:
    You guys have NAILED this one...perfectly.
    All of the items on your list is WHY radio will never give in to other mediums (the Long Island one might be the ONLY exception...lol)
    I had a chance to appear on the radio (WMMR - 93.3 FM) a long time ago in Philly...was working for the IRS. Took an erotic fruit bowl to the station DJ - he was getting hitched - and co-workers heard us on the station...had a blast, but that was WAY back in the 1980s.
    (ah, the golden era...?)

    Any radio I do listen to is classic rock or oldies (FM naturally) and TALK radio.
    AT least I get what I asked for there, hmm?

    An excellent post, as usual.

    Stay safe out there
    (and maybe we'll "see" 'ya on the radio again?)

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    1. Now that sounds like fun, and that's exactly what we were hoping for - a full hour of fun hijinks with some radio personalities. But that was definitely not what they had in mind. Maybe they were just mad that we didn't bring an erotic fruit bowl.

      Delete
  23. Yes, my jamming to the radio has eased up ... just a bit. Can't believe Taylor in the morning was paid to lie to me about those awesome deals at such and such honda.. What will I do with all three of these accords now? Geez!

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    1. You should totally trade them all in for a brand new Hyundai Tucson at Dave Roger's Dodge and Hyundai just off the interstate. They treated me like a rock star there, so just tell them the "Beer Boys" sent you and they will Hook. You. Up!

      Theme song plays: "Dave Roger's Dodge and Hyundai: He sells Dodges but if you don't like those he also sell Hyundaaaais."

      Delete
  24. When I was on OKCupid (before I found Willy Dunne Wooters), I communicated with a "gentleman" who was a DJ. We exchanged an email or three and then spoke on the telephone. He: How much do you weight? Me: I'm not telling you how much I weight. He: Well, I'm fat, and if you're fat, we won't be able to fuck.

    I suspect he still hasn't gotten laid, while WDW is a very happy man.
    jj
    I can't remember the last time I listened to a radio.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. I don't know how I typed "jj" toward the end of my comment, but I assure you it was unintentional.

      Delete
    2. And fat women everywhere simultaneously sighed in despair, knowing they could never mash uglies with a morbidly obese radio DJ. I wonder, how fat does one have to be before they are literally unfuckable?

      On second thought, no I don't wonder.

      bb

      Delete
  25. You ever see the family guy episode where stewie and brian host a radio show? That's exactly it.

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    1. Dingo and the Baby! Yes, absolutely. Great bit. Their's was more aimed at the idiotic call ins, but when they start playing sound effects and Stewie accidentally plays Denzel Washington's speech from Philadelphia, that was hilariously awesome.

      Dingo and the Baby

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  26. I thought I'd better scroll through the comments slowly (for a change) before saying, "Well, I've never heard Royals (nor want to) so at least there's one person who hasn't heard it."

    And guess what? 80 comments later, I guess I can still say there's only one!

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    1. That's damn impressive! What, do you live under a rock? I mean, clearly you surf the Internet. No TV access? Ripped your radio out of your car? Never walked through a store? I bet in the past week I've heard that song at least twice, and I don't subscribe to TV service, I don't listen to FM radio, and I've barely left the house.

      Delete
  27. I rarely listen to the radio, and haven't since I was a youngster. (Which is weird because radio broadcasting was my major in college.) (And yet somehow, I'm employed.)

    But the thing is, I'd rather listen to music of my own choosing, rather then leaving it up to the whims of some corporate hack music director. I used to live on mix tapes; now I have a buttload of songs on a flash drive, which I plug into the car stereo. It's like having my own personal satellite radio station, for free. (OK, once you've bought or otherwise acquired all the music...)

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    1. Amen to that, man. I got a 64 GB SD card for my cellphone, plugged that sucker in, and uploaded every album I've ever had. Now I have literally every song I could ever want, all in one place, that I can take with me anywhere. Radio stations, take heed - THIS is no bullshit, commercial free music.

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  28. Replies
    1. Good to know that like Paul Simon, we're still crazy after all these years. :)

      Delete
  29. Do they still have such a thing as radio? News to me

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    1. Hey, people who don't understand how MP3 players and Internet streaming work have to listen to SOMETHING, right...?

      Delete
  30. I guess you need a big ego to be a DJ. And yeah, some of their stories can be so annoying. Like we really care!

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    1. I just know that when a DJ starts talking about his family that I'm in for the worst, unfunny story of my life. Like when your drunken uncle gathers everyone around to tell a joke he only half remembers.

      Delete
  31. My favorite part was his man boobs resting on the desk. So authentic, ha ha :)

    I remember radio and dj's fondly from my childhood...but that was back before we knew any different!

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    1. Now I've got myself wondering... do DJs suck worse now, or did I just tolerate them when I was younger because MP3 players did not yet exist?

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  32. It's so true about the commercials. It would be nice to be able to fast forward through them like TV shows. Sorry they made you wait so long, and barely gave you any airtime. Loved the Neckbeard character!

    Julie

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    1. Thanks, Julie. And I have a feeling this isn't the last we've seen of Neckbeard. Or his rockin' moobs.

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  33. Lol.
    Now isn't the radio just full of surprises.

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    1. Son, we live in a world that has walls, and those walls have to be guarded by men with guns. Who's gonna do it? You? You, Lt. Weinburg? I have a greater responsibility than you could possibly fathom. You weep for Santiago, and you curse the Marines. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know. That Santiago's death, while tragic, probably saved lives. And my existence, while grotesque and incomprehensible to you, saves lives. You don't want the truth because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you want me on that wall, you need me on that wall. We use words like honor, code, loyalty. We use these words as the backbone of a life spent defending something. You use them as a punchline. I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a man who rises and sleeps under the blanket of the very freedom that I provide, and then questions the manner in which I provide it. I would rather you just said thank you, and went on your way, Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a weapon, and stand a post. Either way, I don't give a damn what you think you are entitled to.

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  34. Wait... What are you trying to say here?
    I don't understand.

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    1. I think the moral of the story is... a bird in the hand is worth more than a Neckbeard with moobs.

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  35. I was really hoping this story was build up for how you guys were either gonna get a feature on, or start, a podcast. I'd listen to that.

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    1. We'd love to do a podcast interview. Now... to find a podcast. Crap. This is already harder than I imagined.

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  36. I forgot to stop by yesterday...I should be flogged!

    Is streaming without paying the "no commercial" fee any better? If I did not already own every CD known to man, I'd be pretty high on Spotify, but would probably pay the no commercial rate (it would have to be far less than my monthly CD habit).

    I loved this one-#3. Let's Play This Song Until You Hate It-although there are a lot of examples where this led me to buy the CD.

    For example, I own Alanis Morrisette's "Jagged Little Pill" because back in 1995 I heard the songs every second or so.

    I am not sure I have ever actually played the CD, though, because I have heard the songs enough for the rest of my life!

    Larry

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    1. You don't HAVE to be flogged but you can also be sentenced to hear Lorde's "Royals" 10 times, back to back, on repeat if you choose. Personally, I'd just take the flogging.

      Admittedly, streaming with commercials (free) is not terrible. Sometimes if we're feeling lazy we'll stream Pandora while we work, and we'll maybe get a 15-30 second ad every 2-3 songs. And the webpage itself has a few ads, but who the hell is looking at their music player while they're playing music?

      #3 kills me in cases where I'll buy an album, and then the radio proceeds to absolutely beat one of those songs to death. I'll get to a point that I'll actually remove that song from my playlist altogether so I no longer have to hear it.

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  37. And thats why I never buy a car without a CD player, lol.

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    1. CD player? What's that? Is that like a toaster?

      Same sentiment, but that's why I won't buy a car without an external audio jack for my MP3 player. :)

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  38. Sounds like you Beer Shower Boys never got to talk. Don't you just love morning radio?

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    1. On late night shows, a comedian does a bit of stand up, some skits, and then talks to their guests for 5-10 minute segments, in which they joke around and do a little promo for whatever they have coming out.

      In morning radio, two unfunny losers ham it up for a solid hour while completely ignoring their guests and making the whole thing about how "hilarious" they are.

      We just love morning radio.

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  39. I love how they have the McDonalds value meal commercial, a Taco Bell late night commercial, Sonic beverage drive thru commercials, and then a commercial for a gym and a testimonial from the DJ about diet pills.

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    1. Damn. That is absolutely spot on. You know what else I find amusing? The only station in our entire state that ever plays the "Don't shake a baby" commercial is the hip hop station. Make your own punchline on that one.

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  40. Unfortunately, that is a pretty good argument for Pandora.

    What amuses me is that a local radio celebrity who volunteered for us has won 5 Emmy Awards for "news" - she reads a few minutes in the mornings! And doesn't do her own reporting. There's an award for that, apparently (or five.) I'm in the wrong line of work.

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    1. Yeah, I can't believe newscasters can win Emmys. We have a news lady like that around here who's won a whole slew of them and acts like she's the equivalent of Bryan Cranston because of it. You are not. He has an incredible talent for acting. You read news stories about the highway being congested or a squirrel that can water ski off of a teleprompter. Know the difference.

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  41. XM is better, actually. I prefer it. Pandora is too corporate and guesses my interests wrongly like a broken Gorf-robot. FM is all dominated by "Clear Channel" and they think classic-rock is only 3 songs (it seems). Try some XM Classic Vinyl (they use real records and vacuum-tubed amps) or Deep Tracks. Usually XM isn't afraid to play B-side material. Just my 2-cents.

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    1. Now if only any of my cars had the capability of playing XM radio... I don't like to brag, but my Audi is still rocking a tape deck.

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  42. Replies
    1. I only hope that one day I could attain such a title.

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  43. I'm kinda stuck on Pandora. That way I can listen to Cyndi Lauper and R.E.M non stop!
    It's just as good as Bulimia!

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    1. Hey, Girls Just Wanna Have Fun when It's The End Of The World. I mean, sure, both artists have careers spanning 20-30 years but let's just play those 2 songs for eternity, right?

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  44. I thought XM was meant to be commercial free, but several of the stations have commercials, too. I'd complain more, but we're getting it free, because they haven't figured out the used car we purchased still had it activated. Shhhhhhhh. I used to love the radio station KILO down here, but it's basically 50 minutes of commercials and 2 songs per hour. Frustrating. And Pandora is my friend. And the name of my parents' dog. Not to be confused with a dog named Bryan.

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    1. Pandora is my friend, too. The radio, not your parents' dog. And who names a dog Bryan? With a Y? That's just always so odd to me, giving dogs human names. Could you imagine walking into someone's house and they say, "Oh, this is my dog! Her name is Shannon, too!" And it looks like this. Gee... thanks?

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  45. There are not too many radio commercials here in Belgium. Radio stations here could do with a little more variety, though :)

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  46. I have been crazy busy this week. I read this post earlier and intended to get back here sooner, but...

    This is hysterical and so spot on. DJ's like nothing better than the sound of their own voice. If you allow two of them to work together like so many morning shows, look out. Ain't nobody else gonna get a word in edgewise and music forgadaboutit! You do have to remember one thing though; most things are directed by the station manager and owner. As far as the DJ goes, they are pretty much told what to play and what to say. If you don't bring in the loot you get the boot. How do I know? I'm a licensed DJ and in another lifetime that's how I earned my keep. Fortunately, I never had to work with 'neckbeard' or anyone for that matter. Just me and a few thousand listeners (hopefully) in that little ole booth. Yeah, I can initiate a conversation with nobody. Not really surprised are you?

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    1. HEYYYY GUYS THIS IS FAE IN THE MORNING AND I WAS PLANNING TO BE IN HERE EARLIER BUT FIRST THE KILLER NEW SONG FROM JUSTIN BIEBER CALLED ALL I WANT FOR CHRISTMAS IS FOR MY TESTICLES TO DROP, AND BEFORE THAT, OUR WACKY WINTER WEATHER REPORT!

      (Sorry, now that you've said you used to do that I can't unhear that 'wacky' radio voice. I believe they called it 'puking', right? And discouraged it?)

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    2. Ha, ha, ha! OK, you can think of me like that, but it was FM, in the days when FM was supposed to be serious and mellow. I know it's hard to imagine me mellow.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=2dQfFq4vUGM

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    3. Hey, mellow is good. I like mellow (and God I wish I knew what radio was like back then). Just as long as you weren't TOO mellow.

      https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=frChs4i4qWI

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  47. 46 seconds... Say it ain't so. I hate commercials more than I hate my ex. That means something, you know.

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    1. Okay, okay, maybe more like 47 seconds. But not a nanosecond over 50. They kicked us out faster than a drunken one night stand.

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