Monday, November 10, 2014

Dear Girl Sitting Next To Me At The DMV, Please Don't Run For President

Hey guys. Bryan here. Yesterday was my 31st birthday, and to commemorate this completely non-momentous occasion... I took a trip to the DMV (Department of Motor Vehicles) to get my license renewed. I know, the excitement never stops once you reach your 30s.

And boy, what a time it was. I had so much fun, I decided to spend 5 and a half hours of my day there. No, that's not an exaggeration. Now, I like how we as a people have just kinda come to accept that the DMV is like this. We all have to wait for hours upon hours, just to get a chance to talk to someone who's completely rude and condescending while they complete a very simple, 5 minute procedure. And we've all just kinda accepted that this is okay. This is how the DMV functions.


So needless to say, I had a lot of time to kill while I was tolerating this suffering, and some of that time was spent listening to the conversations around me. One of them, in particular, stood out to me especially. And so today's post is not about my birthday or about the DMV, but it's an open letter to the girl who sat next to me at the DMV, who thinks she should be our next president.

Dear Candi (with an I),

Of all the conversations near me, yours caught my ears the most, not because it was pleasant or because your voice was like beautiful music, but because your words were so mind numbingly stupid that I wished I could have just ripped your ovaries straight out of your body and burned them in a trash can before you could ever hope to procreate.

I know that we all come from different worlds and all have different opinions on things, but your opinions were so amazingly brainless that I couldn't help but laugh beneath my breath when you said you "tooootally" would have run for president one day (if it weren't for all of those pesky jail sentences) because you would be the one to turn this country around.

I loved your insight into "smoker's rights," and how non-smokers like myself, who don't want black clouds of cancer spit into his face on a daily basis, are pushing my agenda upon you and crushing your personal, $5 a pack freedoms.


It was great hearing that you would stand up and fight for your fellow smokers, because with all of this talk about Ebola, it seems like everyone's forgotten lung cancer. That one needs to forge a comeback!

I also thoroughly enjoyed hearing your stance on parking tickets, which, as president, you would promptly eliminate, because they are "stupid" and "confusing."








You didn't pay to park, and you got a parking ticket? That's insane! Next thing you'll tell me, you didn't pay to register your car and got pulled over for not having license plates! What is this world coming to?

So, my dear Candi (with an I), I just want to let you know that if you struggle with basic legal concepts like "subjecting innocent people to cancer" and "paying to park," then running an entire country's governmental system might be beyond your current skill set.

So I'd stick with that call center job you have at Comcast and kill any dreams you've ever had of being president, because it's just not happening. And to those reading this now, should "Candi for President: 2032" ever somehow possibly become a thing... don't vote Candi. Just don't. It's for your best interest, I promise.

What's the dumbest thing you've ever overheard someone say?

Cheers and stay, like, classy, you guys, OMG,
~Bryan (and Brandon)

Music: The Wombats
Beer: Breckenridge Avalanche





121 comments:

  1. That newspaper at the end is priceless. Because no one ever wants to say that.
    Did Candi want to fight for everyone's right to smell like cheese as well?
    And belated happy birthday, Bryan.

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    1. Thanks, good sir! And no word from Candi yet regarding her stance on smelling like cheese, but it is to my understanding that "jury duty is super confusing and annoying and we should just like get rid of that because I'm sick of wasting my whole day there."

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  2. Holy hell do I hate the DMV. The DMV I have to go to serves two counties so I had to wait in a four hour line behind every single 16 year old for two counties. So yeah, I've heard some blisteringly stupid crap at the DMV. Can I remember any of it? Hell no, this is why I drink, to drown out the dumb crap I hear (and think on my very own) every day.
    The smoking argument I always hear is that "second hand smoke hasn't been proven to do anything and you're killing your liver, why shouldn't I be able to smoke in a bar?" Cancer aside, my drinking isn't making you and all of your clothes smell completely awful. Well, unless I projectile vomit which would get me kicked out anyway.

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    1. Forget the drinking argument, one of Candi's arguments was, "Well, you sit in a car every day breathing in car fumes, and that's terrible for you, so don't sit there breathing in car fumes and tell me you don't want to breathe in smoke fumes because that's hypocritical!"

      President Candi's first item of business: putting surgeon general's warnings on cars.

      "WARNING: THIS HYUNDAI HAS BEEN SHOWN TO CAUSE LUNG CANCER AND TERMINATE PREGNANCIES. DRIVE RESPONSIBLY."

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  3. Happy belated birthday, Bryan!

    Somehow I've lucked out at DMVs all my life. I've never spent more than an hour inside a DMV, but that's because I would arrive an hour before they opened and lineup outside the door. Unfortunately, being outside meant that everyone was lighting up cigarettes all around me.

    I usually get stuck behind the old guy who has to complain about the "ridiculousness" of line-waiting.
    -"Why don't they open up another register. This is ridiculous!"
    -"They were supposed to open up 2 minutes ago. This is ridiculous!"
    -"Why do they only have one person working the brothel tonight. This is ridiculous!"

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    1. Thanks, Chiz! And you know what the best part about the "ridiculous" guy is? The fact that he always gets up to the register and loudly/awkwardly blames the cashier. Because, you know, the cashier making $10 an hour is the one who decided to only staff 3 people that day.

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  4. That's one of the benefits of small town living...we don't really have to deal with parking tickets. Unless some idiot decided to park in the center lane, then my town probably hasn't issued a parking ticked since 1937.

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    1. And that last parking ticket, served 1937, went to a horse name Sir Winston Chucklebutt who was turned into glue for not properly yielding to a penny farthing.

      Delete
    2. Did I mention that they do, however, hand out speeding tickets and seatbelt violations like candy on Halloween?

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    3. Ooh, we've got a nearby small town that does that. They recently got called out on the news for handing out more tickets per year than major cities, and for complete bullshit reasons. If you want to get really mad, just read this article. My wife passes this town on her way to work, just barely missing it by one block. As I always tell her - NEVER go through that awful, bullshit town.

      I only pray your little town isn't this bad.

      http://www.9news.com/story/news/investigations/2014/05/20/9wtk-tiny-metro-town-addicted-to-tickets/9312621/

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  5. If only for this paragraph, I'm glad for your trip to the DMV: "So, my dear Candi (with an I), I just want to let you know that if you struggle with basic legal concepts like "subjecting innocent people to cancer" and "paying to park," then running an entire country's governmental system might be beyond your current skill set." But I'm very sorry you had to spend your birthday there for an insane chunk of torturous time. You could've finished a few of your projects, had you known you'd practically be there until your next birthday.

    We all know stupid idiots like Candi with an i, but - fortunately - most of them don't aspire for positions they can't pronounce like President of the US. Now I'm understanding, though, why comcast has been problematic at times.

    Happy 31st year, effective immediately and sans stupidity.

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    1. Thank you much! You know, I assume that Candi's the genius I always get to talk to when my Internet is down and I have to call Comcast. AKA the representative who tells me to restart my modem, and restart my computer, and check to make sure my computer's plugged in, and am I sure I have a computer? Maybe I'm trying to log in to a toaster. Is that your problem? No? Okay, well restart your computer again...

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  6. There are two DMVs in my city and there is the good one and the bad one. Daisy always wanted to go to the bad one, stupidly thinking that because it was closer to her house that meant that was one the one she had to go to.

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    1. Interestingly enough, they've closed every single DMV in our county except one. They used to have DMVs in every city. And so now the one that remains has to serve (I'd guess) about 500,000 people. Frankly, I'm surprised my wait wasn't longer.

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  7. HAPPY FOGEYISM, 6-B!

    There are ONLY two good things I can say about Phoenix, Airheadzona:
    1) It doesn't snow here.
    2) The wait at the DMV isn't usually very long.

    After coming from Southern California, where the DMV is legendary for inefficiency and ineptitude, I figured the DMV in Phoenix (a city that should be nuked off the map ASAP!) would be downright suicide-inducing. To my major shock, it's really not all that bad. At least not the office I go to, because it usually has a whole lot of windows open for business and I think my longest wait there ever was 45 minutes to an hour. I can't really account for it, but I've happily accepted it.

    I want to commend you on the new, nice, very clean looking text you now have in the dialogue balloons. I noticed it in the last ABFTS blog bit and meant to remark on it but forgotted. Anyway, it looks great and A-list professional.

    Yak Later...

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Back when I was 16, I went to the DMV that was in my small town to take my test to get my license. I was the only person there, and I was in and out (including driving test) in 30 minutes. The guy behind the counter actually looked bored.

      When I moved to my first apartment at 21 and had to renew my license, I went to the DMV across the street from me in my new city. I waited about 30 minutes tops, and then renewed it.

      Since then, every single DMV in my county has been shut down... except one. So, as mentioned above, that single DMV is now serving every single resident in my county. No wait became 30 minutes became 5 and a half hours.

      I look forward to renewing my license when I'm 41 and camping out for 48 hours.

      Oh, and thanks for noticing the new words! I actually buckled down and bought a professional cartoonist's font. Figured we should be as legit as possible, and it sure is easy to read (now that I'm older and my eyes are going!).

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  8. The DMV sucks, waiting there is the most annoying thing ever. If there are lines, okay, have to wait. But one I went too had about 20 people waiting and there were 5 clerks on duty, you think it wouldn't take 2 damn hours to get up to the desk, but it did. Idiots working there would probably agree with Candi. Some people are just so mind numbing you wonder how they get through the day.

    Just had one nut this morning come in with his wife and he was ranting on about fees and such, then said "my wife needs me to do anything." In a completely subservient way, acting as proud as a peacock. Regular jackass.

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    1. The best part about waiting is that even though I got there at 9, the ENTIRE DMV shut down at 12 for lunch (no taking "shifts," just everyone going on lunch at once) and we were forced to sit there, with absolutely nothing being done, while these goobers all took their HOUR lunch. Efficiency at its brightest!

      Also, that guy seemed pretty damn proud for someone who's never going to get sex again. Hope it was worth it, bro.

      Delete
  9. Why is it every time you're in a public place somewhere and some stranger is shoving their life in the ears of everyone around them it's always something like this? It's never like, "So I was at the lab, working on the cure for cancer, and I got a call from the homeless shelter where I volunteer and ...."

    I was eating at a cafeteria the other day and there was this girl going on and on and on about how she couldn't charge her phone because her parents had left town on vacation and taken all the phone chargers in the house with them. Everyone else just sitting over their food in grim silence and this one girl's voice carrying over the whole place.

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    1. I feel like you just created a brilliant stand up comedy routine. Quick, copyright that before Carlos Mencia steals it and tries to forge a comeback!

      It's 100% true, though. And the person that's loudly complaining is never saying something like, "God, my cancer treatments are so expensive and I'm going to have to ask my boss for extra OT while I'm doing chemo!" It's always, "OMG you guys my parents stole my phone charger so now I can't even get any texts from Chad who I think is totally into me now! Life is so unfair!"

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  10. Okay, so NOW I understand why Patti and Selma work at the DMV on "The Simpsons" -- the hell that is the DMV always went right over my head because in Canada, it takes like 10 minutes tops to renew a drivers licence. My sympathies, American cousins.

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    1. God, you guys have better healthcare, friendlier citizens, AND a 10 minute DMV wait? Fuck it, I'm becoming Canadian. Make some room, bitches!

      Delete
  11. I bet she could make the tax code simple enough to fit on an index card, too.
    The DMV is a great place to meet new people, and so I'd your local Social Security office. Either one. The SS office will have more people coughing, so that is sort of a bonus.

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    1. Her tax system isn't bad, but I'm really looking forward to her homeless veterans program, in which she sends them away to death camps and makes it illegal for them to look at her and tell her hello because "they're icky."

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  12. One question I have coming out of this is how often do you have to renew your license? In England you have to renew your license every ten years but only if it's your provisionary license (learner's permit). If you haven't passed your test after ten years you probably shouldn't be driving. Once you've actually passed your full license is good for sixty years.

    ...Yep.

    As far as stupid people go...I've heard my fair share of stupid people. Plus I have insane people on my facebook. Unfortunately no specifics come to mind. We can rest easy telling ourselves that thankfully these people are almost always the silent majority that never actually get to decide anything.

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    1. We have to renew every 5 years. We CAN renew online, but only every other time. I renewed online 5 years ago, so that meant I absolutely had to go in this time. I feel like we should be able to renew online more than that, but what do I know? I'm no President Candi.

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    2. If there's some kind of physical assessment involved with renewing then I can understand having to go in at least once every ten years. If not, then I have no clue why you can't just keep renewing online. Passports only last ten years here but you can just keep renewing online and you have to do that because how you look is bound to change.

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    3. The only physical assessment is an eye test, but if you've had an optometrist's eye test within the past 3 years you can just submit that for the online renewal. In other words... no clue why we just can't do online more often.

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    4. In AZ, I got my license at age 34 and it's good until age 65...

      I am sure the more frequent renewals have to do with generating revenue, but they could do that with an online renewal.

      With all that legal marijuana in Colorado, I would go to the DMV with a bong and the Pink Floyd Discovery box set-they could keep me there all day!

      If someone complained about me smoking indoors, whip out a medicinal marijuana card-heck, your might even get a handicapped plate at that point!

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    5. I fear that there's not enough Mary Jane, nor enough Pink Floyd in this world to make sitting in the DMV for 5 hours tolerable.

      Even worse, I fear that I may just get high enough that Candi starts making sense. AGGHH!

      Delete
  13. That is painful. They're just as bad here in Chicago, except where I live there are apparently millions of people who don't work, so you can't even try to do during the week to get through faster. Those conversations are exactly why mobile music and earphones were invented in the first place. I'm sure that's a fact. I just finished my Comcast rant, ever go to one of their locations? Almost as long of a wait, NO CHAIRS!

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    1. Oh my God, the last time I had to go to Comcast in person was to drop off my equipment because I was done with them. I couldn't just walk up to the counter and drop off my stuff. I had to wait for 30 minutes, while standing there awkwardly holding all of my equipment (no chairs), until someone could "see" me. Just to take my stuff and say okay thanks.

      Thanks for putting it all in perspective.

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  14. I'm handling the interviews at my job. There is a Mr Crazy and a Ms Crazy Lady.

    The girl has applied a few times and always crosses out everything on the application, asks me to check it, asks how to spell the most simple words (she works in the "food cort" right now), and helps herself to my coversarions with customers. One time, I told a customer that I was impressed that they could walk in 6 inch heels so Ms Crazy Lady put her foot over her head and said, "I can stay like this for over an hour."

    Mr Crazy has applied several times and one time, wouldn't leave the store for two hours. I couldn't kick him out because he technically wasn't doing anything wrong but just following me around and asking questions. He came back twice to thank me for training him and then every single day that week.

    I have to say, if it's between them or Candi, I'm just moving to the Sun. I know that it's hot and I'll probably get all burned up, but I don't even mind.

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    1. "I can stay like this for over an hour." Stay classy, world. I'm sure your boyfriend appreciates that, lady, but the rest of us really don't care.

      Some days I wish we had the technology to create a cannon that could shoot people into the sun. But instead of shooting myself, I'd rather shoot people like Candi, or Mr and Ms Crazy Lady. Make the best use of it possible.

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    2. Don't shoot them. You'll be caught then go to prison and be butt raped by Big Bubba. There are better and more stealthy ways of killing the stupid. Just buy "O'Leary's Patented Assassination Kit" Right now we've got a sale going on. For every Assassination Kit you buy, we will give you our "Patented Body Disposal Kit" free.

      Delete
    3. Sentenced to federal "pound me in the ass" prison? That's some bull. They should give me a medal of valor for that.

      Also, I ordered both kits, but like the typical man that I am I didn't read the instructions and used them in reverse. Now I've got a live person buried in a ditch and I can't get down there to kill him. Help?

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    4. We've just sent you a back hoe to take care of your little problem. All free of charge as we do appreciate your business.

      Delete
    5. I think there was a typo and your assistant accidentally sent a "black hoe," because the only thing currently here is an angry African-American prostitute screaming for money.

      Also, on a completely unrelated note... I'm gonna need another cleanup kit for a, uh, dead prostitute.

      Delete
  15. Probably the most ignorant thing I've ever overheard someone say is "On last nights episode of Honey Boo Boo..." and that's as far as it got because I killed that person (I carry a fully loaded syringe of potassium chloride with me at all times, just in case).

    If Candi ran, Candi could win. You might think "Nobody would be stupid enough to vote for her" or "People who are that stupid just don't bother voting." And I would say "Yes they do and they voted for Obama twice."

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    1. Oh snap, America.

      You're brave for killing off idiots, knowing that when one goes down, 10 more spring up to replace it. They're like the weeds of the human race.

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  16. Wow. Now I am super upset that one of my nicknames (within my family only) is "Candi". I may have to boycott that forever now, because being associated in any possible way with such a vapid moron is utterly shameful.

    Allow me to join in and say Happy Belated Birthday, Bryan! I'm thinking you would have been well served to set up a birthday tailgating party in the DMV parking lot. You could have been properly smashed and enjoyed some excellent party food by the time your number was called. AND as an added bonus, you wouldn't have had to be exposed to Candi's pure, unadulterated stupidity--or, at the very least, you could have been drunk enough to laugh aloud at everything she said, or perhaps even argued her into a smoldering pile of cigarette ashes and ignorance. I would pay money to watch that!

    I hope your brand new license will serve you well, and that you will get very few parking tickets over the next 5 years.

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    1. It's good to distance yourself from her early. She liked to say, "I'm Candi. With an I. Not like the food." So that's why it kept being repeated in the post. Don't be a food, Candice. Be unique.

      My parking tickets currently stand at zero, meaning that if I ever run opposite Candi, I've got a pretty good stance going for me. I mean, I don't know anything about taxes or job creation or equal rights, but I've got enough ammo to crush her, and isn't that all political campaigns are about?

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  17. Blogger didn't like my comment and ate it. . . Anyway it was in reference to government agencies and their employees. . .Big Bro is watching. I dislike waiting in any government agency lineup, you have to put in a couple of hours for anything. I think they train their employees in rudeness, treating applicants as if they have 'power' and generally making everyone feel as crappy as they do. Treating people with respect has probably been warped by dealing with too many 'Candi types'. On the bright side, we see where the gene pool is heading . . .

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    1. One of the best parts about going was listening to this guy rant outside about, "Oh, when I get in there I'm gonna give 'em a piece of my mind. Who do they think they are? I'm gonna rip those a-holes a new one!" And then when he gets inside (he went up to the counter around the same time I did) all I heard was, in a very mousy voice, "I'd like my license, sir. Thank you very much. Yes, I'm good today, how are you?"

      Yeah, that's what I thought, tough guy. Either give in and play nice and be a part of the system or get kicked out by security and have to come wait in line again for another 5 hours the next day.

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  18. Happy Birthday!

    I know you'll hate me for this, but my DMV is quick and friendly. Last time I went for a plate sticker, I forgot my tax slip so the nice lady called my county court house and had them fax her a copy. I know you're looking for the punch line, but there isn't one. Small towns- we may not have much fashion sense, but we got people sense.

    So, was Candi (with an i) there to pay her parking tickets, get a license, or apply for a job?

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    1. All of the above?

      Actually, the only reason Candi was there was to get a name change for her license. Because she had just gotten married. Yes, that's right, some "lucky" guy gets to put up with that for eternity. Oh, how the horror continues.

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  19. That Comcast call-center jab is one she probably wouldn't even get, but damn well-done anyway.

    Also god DAMN, thirty-one already? That's over 1.5 times my age! By the time I have enough money and leisure-time to hang out, you'll be sitting next to your grave, waiting to fall in. I need to pick up the pace with this get-rich-and-party biz.

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    1. If it's any consolation, I got carded for a rated R movie this past weekend, and everyone in my family lives until 90+. So I've got a long ride ahead of me and I'll look pretty young on the outside (thanks to this baby face) for quite a while, even after my insides start to rot.

      Either way, you should get rich quick. I hear there are some "triangle shaped business models" that might help with this problem.

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  20. I chuckled all the way through this one. I can't even begin to narrow the list of dumb things I've heard people say in public. It strains my brain trying to think about it. Most recently I overheard a daughter, with her elderly mother, say that she just couldn't stand it in here in North Florida. It was just too damn hot. (As I recall it hovered between 75 and 78 degrees that day.) She lived someplace (didn't say where) that it was 30 below when she left... and she couldn't wait to return. Frankly, I am surprised her mother didn't offer to pay for the ticket. I was close to ready... and I'd never seen her before.

    However, I KNOW that isn't the stupidest thing I've ever heard... just the most recent.

    Your post made me think of this clip, which I would include on the HERE'S TO YOU post, but I think I overdid it last week with four. And other people are starting to get jealous. No one's said anything, mind you, but I am SURE it is true.

    https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wKav0SxjTU0

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    1. Meanwhile, I'm going to California for Thanksgiving to see family and am just so excited to see 70-80 degree temperatures.

      Also, it's a damn shame you can't include that clip in the HERE'S TO YOU, because that's brilliant and 100% spot on. We haven't been #1 in anything for years, unless you count obesity. Greatest country in the world? My ass. See above comment to Debra, where I said I wish we were even half as awesome as Canada.

      Delete
    2. I have actually used this one once before on a HERE'S TO YOU, but no one watched it. I can't find a single clip of this scene on You
      Tube that is "embeddable," so I had to just link it... like I did for you. I didn't even bother looking this time, so it is POSSIBLE someone has posted something with an embed code...

      Delete
  21. This post makes me very glad I live in England. My license is good for about another 50 years. I do need to replace the card part, since I changed my address, but I'll be able to do that online.
    This post has also made me understand why Patty and Selma work at the DMV in The Simpsons.
    Working in retail, I hear conversations like this quite a lot, but thankfully I've learnt to erase them from my memory. Hopefully it hasn't caused any lasting...
    What was I saying?

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    1. You know what the true sign of getting older is? We finally understand Patty and Selma's logic. Who'd have ever thought that would happen?

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  22. Ha ha, you are so right that it is well known that we will be used and abused at the DMV (or in Michigan, the Secretary of State) and we do nothing and barely even complain. What sort of hypnosis are they using there??

    But really, it is the BEST place for people watching and hearing some outrageous conversations. But come on, did you have to be so hard on Candi? I mean, maybe she has some other views on more important things like making the lottery more accessible or some such thing.

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    1. Right? I wish as writers we had that kind of power over our readers.

      "You're going to wait 4 hours in line, out in the cold, to buy our books, at which point I will charge you $25 for the book and $10 per signature. At this point, you will be required to leave a 4 or 5 star Amazon review, and only after will your book be mailed to you, which you should receive in 8-10 weeks. Have a nice fucking day."

      Delete
  23. B&B:
    Good Lord...this is HILARIOUS..mainly because it's SO DAMN TRUE.

    I'm less than 2 years out for renewal, and I'm already having those "flashbacks" to the "combat zone (that's our BMV in Indiana).
    I know EXACTLY the person you described...there must be ONE in EVERY BMV across America...and always there when YOU are.

    Then, there are the cell phone addicts...something to take care of that incessant 'tactile fetish": they suffer from.

    Sure makes me wonder what they do BEHIND THE WHEEL (maybe I don't really WANT to know).
    And, I'd bet THEY are the ones that cause OUR insurance to rise.

    This is a fantastic post (with an o) on SO many levels ...LMAO.
    I wouldn't recommend reading it while drinking ANY fluid, unless you prefer a dead keyboard...yeah, it's THAT funny.

    Stay safe out there.

    BG

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    1. Ooh, I was so focused on parking tickets that I didn't even think to ask how many traffic tickets/accidents she's been in. On second thought, I'm probably better off not knowing.

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  24. Is Colorado the same as New York, where you can go to any DMV in any county to renew your license? Because the 3 hour round trip to the DMV in the boonies is so totally worth it. I spent ten minutes in there getting my license plates, and only 5 to renew my license.

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    1. I'm not sure, but if 5 hours is now the average wait time, I'd gladly drive 3 hours round trip to the boonies for my next renewal.

      I complain in this post, yes, but I won't even pretend to fathom how terrible the NYC DMV is.

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    2. Bryan,
      Colorado does allow you to go to any DMV to renew your license. Canon City is about an hour and a half from my place but I go there cause there's NO ONE there (well, one or two).

      Delete
    3. Damn, that's good to know! Canon City's a little too far to justify the drive, but I'm sure there's somewhere closer (that's still the boonies) I could hit up next time. Thanks for the tip!

      Delete
    4. Try Evergreen or Buena Vista, they may be a nice drive.....

      Delete
  25. Happy Birthday Late! The good thing is you can pretty much rest assured that next year's birthday will be a whole lot better :)

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    1. Don't jinx me, or next year I might have to spend my birthday getting a root canal or paying my taxes... or both!

      Delete
  26. I want to comment about Candi (with an I) but I just can't do it.
    Instead, I will say this and ruin your day:
    Our DMV takes appointments. It's kind of awesome. Last time I went in (because, you know, they had to check my eyes (which is a story unto itself)), I was in and out in less than half an hour.

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    1. My day was already ruined. Our DMV takes "appointments" too. Two per day. When I checked (a long time ago, mind you) all so-called appointments were booked up for 4 months straight. Most useless system ever.

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    2. Oh, well, yeah, you have to call a long time in advance, but ours takes a lot more than two per day. What's the point of two per day?

      Delete
  27. Oh, also, at first glance, I totally read that as "Dead Girl Sitting Next To Me," which has me thinking...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Like I told Anne, it's a nice thought to kill stupid people, but like weeds, for every one you kill, ten just spring back up in her place.

      Delete
  28. Replies
    1. Still better than a flaming orphanage full of burning, parentless toddlers, at least.

      Delete
    2. We like to have fun with the people that don't really read our posts.

      Delete
  29. First off, a belated happy birthday wish to you! You should have carried a book with you to the DMV. With that long of a wait, you could've finished it. Or maybe if you'd been reading a really creepy book with a disgusting cover, and made weird noises while you read it, they would've moved you to the front of the line just to get rid of you. So to speak.

    As for Candi, no comment, other than to say I hope she's had her tubes tied.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. As things would have it, I was actually reading a book. But you know when something is so stupid your ears just can't help but tune into it? Yeah, Candi's talking was so loud and so dumb that I couldn't read a word so long as she was on one of her rants. At that moment, I could hear nothing else. And it was agony.

      Delete
  30. ok don't hate me, but the benefit of living in a blink and you miss it town is that, my daughters best friend is the DMV lady. I always get retakes if my picture sucks, and I have never waited more than 15 minutes.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I don't hate you, but I do envy you. In a big city, none of that stuff matters. My wife works for the state and actually supports the DMV. When I asked her if she could do anything to help me get in there she laughed and said, "Fuck no, those people are miserable assholes. Most days I go in there to help them and they treat ME like shit. And I'm actually there to help THEM."

      Delete
  31. I'm thinking you should look at this as like the reverse of a "grass roots campaign", where you go out into the public and learn who NOT to vote for.

    And as for the smell, next time take a box of crackers with you and pass them out rto offenders. See if they can guess why they received it. Perhaps throw in the comment, "I'm fresh out of knives, you'll have to spread yourselves."

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. You know, they say the stinkier the cheese the better it tastes, but I feel like that couldn't be more wrong when it comes to people.

      Delete
  32. I just want to wish you a happy birthday, Bryan, and tell you that I think when she's not at the DMV, Candi (with an i) spends her days riding Baltimore's Metro subway. I could swear I've seen that girl before...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'd swear I've also seen her in Chicago's subway system. Man, Candi gets around...

      Delete
  33. I hate to score one for Candi, but....

    I've got to admit, I voted against the Arizona no smoking law.

    While I benefit from it tremendously-I love not having to burn my clothing after going to a bar-I felt that the decision whether or not to allow smoking should have been left to the bar.

    Phoenix had a non-smoking bar back in the days before the smokers were put in internment camps, and it lasted less than a year. Most people who frequent bars seem to want to smoke.

    Since I am not big on the government taking away my choices, that's one I'd overturn.

    You go, Candi!

    Not that I am signing on as Candi's campaign manager, because while I hate the Arizona law, I would be even more opposed tot a Federal law striking it down.

    There's a reason the Federal government has so few powers given to it in that document that our last couple of Presidents chose to not read (The Constitution)...to avoid a Federal government gone insane with power....like we've got now!

    So, as Hitlerian as it is, your idea to prevent the stupid people (and you know who you are, stupid people*) from procreating is sound logic...but what politician would limit their right to have offspring?

    So they next time you run into a Candi and want to reach for a scalpel, reach for a copy of the US Constitution instead, and make her read it.

    If more people would take the time to understand why our government was designed the way it is, maybe they'd make better choices when called on to vote.

    *Maybe the stupid people don't know who they are!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, before you side with Candi too much, just bear in mind that she wants to be able to smoke ANYWHERE. The grocery store, the library, a daycare, grandma's funeral. To me that's a little bit excessive.

      Delete
  34. Hmmm....I can't think of anything stupid I've overhead recently. Oh god, does that mean *I'M* the one saying stupid shit?!?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That depends. Is the word "supposably" in your everyday vocabulary? Is your top source of news TMZ? Do you often quote Kim Kardashian, and not ironically? If the answer is no, then you're safe! ...FOR NOW.

      Delete
  35. Happy Birthday a little late..The DMV that place is torture here and you are right you wait in line to get a number to wait in line..haha..too funny really. It's even worse when you have to do the picture as they only take two shots and they look exactly the same and they ask which one do you want? haha..I can never see the difference..I think it is a trick question so people think they are getting a choice but, they both are just bad pictures.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wow, you actually get a choice? I don't. I can't even see mine. They just say smile and snap it as quick as possible. Then send you on your way. And at that point, you don't even feel like smiling, so I can hardly wait to see how angrily indifferent I look in my ID picture.

      Delete
    2. This made me laugh a bit as I have never seen a good picture of someone on their license. Why is that? Yes, recently they started taking two pics but, they are within seconds of each other so they don't look different unless you do something like blink.

      Delete
  36. Candi (with an i), just shut the fuck up. I've heard so many stupid things that it's difficult to choose the most stupid. One that stands out in my find is people who say George Zimmerman is a hero. Another is the bumper stickers that have George W.'s picture and say, I bet you miss him now. No. As a matter of fact, I have never missed him, not for one tiny second.

    Love,
    Janie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ah yes, possibly the only George dumber than George W. is George Zimmerman (and that wonderful temper of his). I wonder if the same people that thought he was a hero still thought so after news developed last month that he pulled a gun on someone in a road rage incident and threatened to shoot them?

      American people - don't fear Ebola. Fear the real killer: George Zimmerman. And whoever keeps letting this man have a gun.

      Delete
  37. Once I heard two dumb things in the same store on the same day by different people. One said directly to me that 'The Chinese Australians are okay, but the Chinese Chinese...' Then I overheard a conversation that went 'Those curved TVs are a terrible idea.' 'Yeah, I completely agree. If they were a bit more curved, then maybe...'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I like my women like I like my TVs - curvy, heavy, and very awkward to transport up and down a flight of stairs.

      Also, I haven't heard any mention of the Chinese Chinese, but I have overheard some goober ask my Vietnamese friend, "So what kinda Japanese are you, anyway?"

      Delete
  38. I've heard and read some monumentally stupid things over the years and only a few of them have stood the test of time. Commercially, a movie trailer with the tag "If I die, does my mom get a refund?" was the best. Publicly, when an online friend was debating whether or not break up with his girlfriend, the one pro that he gave was, "But she gives such good head."

    Father Nature's Corner

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Well, my marriage is complete crap and my children hate me, but at least I get the occasional awesome BJ."

      Delete
  39. That last newspaper thing is too funny! Candi (with an I) sounds like a real airhead. Sorry you had to listen to her and sit in the DMV that long. (I thought things were bad in Georgia. But five hours is even more that I had to sit.)

    Happy Birthday. Such that it was!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! And that newspaper is just a reminder for us all - Democrat, Republican, Independent, Don't Give a Crap: it could always be so, SO much worse.

      Delete
  40. I'm surprised she got a parking ticket. I never would have guessed she was even capable of driving with that amount of stupidity.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I'm just glad I could get the hell out of there before Candi left so we didn't have to cross driving paths.

      "God, you guys, I was just driving on the sidewalk trying to get to my intersection and as I'm blasting through a stop sign this car just HITS me, dead on. Can you BELIEVE that? People are just the worst!"

      Delete
  41. *dies*

    I hate being late to the party… but it's WAY fun to read all the comments… they're entertaining too…

    You know I'm laughing. Everything you do is top notch hilarity. "Also, the building is on fire…" <---Cracking up. And happy birthday! I've got 1 year on you. *high five* (80's babies still high five, right?)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. My favorite are the comments from people who didn't even read the post, because I get to have the most fun with them.

      Welcome to the birthday party! You just missed Bryan's drunk uncle giving us all his thoughts on "the homa-SECK-shuls" but you're just in time to see my cousin give a 20 minute speech on why she's a vegan and therefore better than us all. High-five!

      (Yeah, that's right, we 80's babies will always high five. I'll high five all the way to the grave)

      Delete
    2. HOW DO PEOPLE NOT READ YOUR POSTS?!?!?! Your posts need to be read a couple times at least so you can pick up all the funny little details.

      And ya baby! High fives forever! #NerdAlert :)

      Delete
  42. Hell of a way to spend your birthday (belated happy birthday) I have come across the Candi type myself. Not lately so can't remember any particular dumb statements.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Consider yourself lucky for not hearing anything dumb recently. What Candi said will haunt me for a very, very long time. :)

      Delete
  43. Happy Belated Birthday. Bryan! Sorry you had to spend it at the DMV. Fortunately, smokin' hot Candi with an I, didn't jump out of your cake. Although it might have been worth it to see her done blow up!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks! But... worth it to eat a cake that tastes like cigarette smoke, moldy cheese, and sweaty feet? I'll pass!

      Delete
  44. I loathe the DMV. Five hour waits are insane. Gee, I'm envious of the quality entertainment you had during your wait, even though it will scar you for the rest of your life. Never trust anyone named Candi with or without the I. I'd almost bet she was in the wrong line(smile).

    Sorry for you. Next time rent a DMV runner. They'll sit all day for you, then call when it's time to sign your paperwork. Happy belated!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Wait, is that a thing? It even has a name? Because I gladly would have paid someone to wait for me.

      To put it in perspective, I live about 10 minutes away. When I got there, I was initially told it would be a 3 hour wait. So I came home, did a full work out, ate an early lunch, took a 30 minute nap, and then when I went back... I still waited 2 and a half more hours.

      Delete
  45. Happy belated B-day Bry! Sorry I missed it. My computer has been whack for a few weeks now. DMV, is honestly one of those places that you know before you go, will always become some sort of adventure/madness before it's all said and done.

    Stupidest thing I ever overheard someone say was back when I was in high school. I overheard two IDENTICAL twin sisters fighting over some boy. The one twin called the other, "An ugly bitch". It struck me so funny I laughed until my sides almost burst. And I never forgot it, even all these years later.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thanks, Jaybird! Better late than never.

      That identical twin thing may be one of the greatest stupid things I've ever heard. How hilarious. Not nearly in the same league, but it does amuse when me when I see two fat people arguing, and one of them calls the other something like a "fat, disgusting pig," while being just as fat as the person they're insulting... or fatter.

      Delete
  46. LMAO The last time I went to the DMV was years ago to get my daughter her first ID card. It took 6 hours! I too sat there listening to all the idiots around me talking about their baby mama's, what antibiotics the doctor gave them for that pesky rash or how they have a bad back and shouldn't be kept waiting in those awful chairs because they are 'disabled' and should get to go ahead of everyone else.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And I bet those people were just as "disabled" as the woman at my last apartment who had a handicapped sticker on her car... for being morbidly obese. And she would waddle to her parking space, and drive her car down the street to get McDonald's, and then waddle back to eat her 3 cheeseburgers.

      God. Bless. America.

      Delete
  47. Augh! 5 1/2 hours of stupid and stupider...(You got that joke, right?)

    There isn't enough space here, nor do I have enough days left in my life, to write down the dumbest things I've heard. But luckily for you, you read my blog, so you've seen a few of them.

    Right after I moved to the Northwest, I went to change my driver's license. The woman in front of me was renewing hers and the conversation between her and the clerk went - verbatim - like this:

    Clerk: So you're still at the same address...are you still an organ donor?
    Woman in front of me: (Gasps in horror.) Well, I haven't YET!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ha! And yes, I needn't ask you about stupidity. If I want to read about stupid people, your blog would be THE defining blog outlining human idiocy. It's both hilarious and soul crushing at the same time... (but mostly hilarious)

      Delete
  48. This "paying to park," is a real irritant (anywhere in the world)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. It's true, I don't think anyone enjoys paying to park. And going into the city and having to find paid parking is always a huge pain in the ass. But it's still not that difficult to at least understand the concept.

      Delete
  49. I am an American man, and I have decided to boycott American women. In a nutshell, American women are the most likely to cheat on you, to divorce you, to get fat, to steal half of your money in the divorce courts, don’t know how to cook or clean, don’t want to have children, etc. Therefore, what intelligent man would want to get involved with American women?

    American women are generally immature, selfish, extremely arrogant and self-centered, mentally unstable, irresponsible, and highly unchaste. The behavior of most American women is utterly disgusting, to say the least.

    This blog is my attempt to explain why I feel American women are inferior to foreign women (non-American women), and why American men should boycott American women, and date/marry only foreign (non-American) women.

    BOYCOTT AMERICAN WOMEN!

    www.boycottamericanwomen.com

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Yawn. That was boring. Got anything else for me? A joke? A riddle? Come on, step up your A-game, Sally.

      I would take your spam comment down, but our readers aren't dumb enough to want to read your drivel.

      Delete
  50. "Now serving, J58"...and you have ticket J230. Yep, I hate that place too and dread having to go there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Our DMV likes to be confusing and have multiple letter codes depending on what you're there for. So when I got in, I was something like B277. They were currently at B237. Sweet, only 40 to go! ... in my letter category. They probably called one B every 15-20 minutes. AWESOME.

      Delete
  51. I had to renew my license this past year, too. Happily, there is a DMV at the Citizen Service Center (or whatever the heck it's called) up the street from me that no one seems to know about. So I was in and out in 20 minutes. I was so puzzle by this that I stood in the hallways for four hours to make up for it. And why vote for Candi when you can vote for Jessyca (with a y)?

    ReplyDelete
  52. Gosh, this is giving me flashbacks to my own visit to the DMV a couple of years ago. Thankfully, I didn't have to endure the inane drivel of wannabe president Candi.

    (Thank God for unbelievable yet nevertheless totally real people like her for giving us plenty of blogging material. Sometimes even we couldn't come up with jokes like these...)

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete