And boy, what a time it was. I had so much fun, I decided to spend 5 and a half hours of my day there. No, that's not an exaggeration. Now, I like how we as a people have just kinda come to accept that the DMV is like this. We all have to wait for hours upon hours, just to get a chance to talk to someone who's completely rude and condescending while they complete a very simple, 5 minute procedure. And we've all just kinda accepted that this is okay. This is how the DMV functions.
So needless to say, I had a lot of time to kill while I was tolerating this suffering, and some of that time was spent listening to the conversations around me. One of them, in particular, stood out to me especially. And so today's post is not about my birthday or about the DMV, but it's an open letter to the girl who sat next to me at the DMV, who thinks she should be our next president.
Dear Candi (with an I),
Of all the conversations near me, yours caught my ears the most, not because it was pleasant or because your voice was like beautiful music, but because your words were so mind numbingly stupid that I wished I could have just ripped your ovaries straight out of your body and burned them in a trash can before you could ever hope to procreate.
I know that we all come from different worlds and all have different opinions on things, but your opinions were so amazingly brainless that I couldn't help but laugh beneath my breath when you said you "tooootally" would have run for president one day (if it weren't for all of those pesky jail sentences) because you would be the one to turn this country around.
I loved your insight into "smoker's rights," and how non-smokers like myself, who don't want black clouds of cancer spit into his face on a daily basis, are pushing my agenda upon you and crushing your personal, $5 a pack freedoms.
It was great hearing that you would stand up and fight for your fellow smokers, because with all of this talk about Ebola, it seems like everyone's forgotten lung cancer. That one needs to forge a comeback!
I also thoroughly enjoyed hearing your stance on parking tickets, which, as president, you would promptly eliminate, because they are "stupid" and "confusing."
You didn't pay to park, and you got a parking ticket? That's insane! Next thing you'll tell me, you didn't pay to register your car and got pulled over for not having license plates! What is this world coming to?
So, my dear Candi (with an I), I just want to let you know that if you struggle with basic legal concepts like "subjecting innocent people to cancer" and "paying to park," then running an entire country's governmental system might be beyond your current skill set.
So I'd stick with that call center job you have at Comcast and kill any dreams you've ever had of being president, because it's just not happening. And to those reading this now, should "Candi for President: 2032" ever somehow possibly become a thing... don't vote Candi. Just don't. It's for your best interest, I promise.
What's the dumbest thing you've ever overheard someone say?
Cheers and stay, like, classy, you guys, OMG,
~Bryan (and Brandon)
Music: The Wombats
Beer: Breckenridge Avalanche