Monday, October 27, 2014

Terrifying Two Sentence Horror Stories For Halloween

A while back on Reddit, some folks started a thread featuring two sentence horror stories. In other words, complete scary stories told in two sentences or less. That thread contained such gems as:

I always thought my cat had a staring problem - she always seemed fixated on my face. Until one day, when I realized that she was always looking just behind me. Hangukbrian

I was having a pleasant dream when what sounded like hammering woke me. After that, I could barely hear the muffled sound of dirt covering the coffin over my own screams. Vigridarena

I can't move, breathe, speak or hear and it's so dark all the time. If I knew it would be this lonely, I would have been cremated instead. Graboid27

Sure, those are mildly unsettling, but as true masters of horror, we figured we'd take our own stab at it. Get it? Stab? Ah yes, that's right, we're only warming up the Halloween scares. Let the true horror begin.

As soon as I turned on my television, the remote control stopped working. The volume was at the maximum level, and Glee was on every channel.


Yes, that's right, that's a jab at American Horror Story officially jumping the shark by having a musical number every goddamn episode and effectively turning itself from "unique, creepy horror series" into "Glee with circus freaks." What's scarier than ghosts, a mental institution, and witches? Turning a horror show into a high school musical.

But alas, this post is about true terror, not West Side Horror Story. Let's explore some more terrifying two sentence stories, shall we?

I went to Youtube and searched "funny cat videos." What returned was a page that said "no results found."

A world where no hilarious cat videos exist? What madness is this?

I'm locked in a room with Bill O'Reilly, Sarah Palin, Bill Maher, Glenn Beck, Al Sharpton, and Sean Hannity. Someone just asked them to discuss their opinions on the president.

NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!

I passed quietly in my sleep, surrounded by loved ones, having lived a happy, peaceful life. But when I was reincarnated, I was reborn as Honey Boo Boo's mother's hemorrhoid donut.



If the promise of being smothered by "Mama June's" farts for a lifetime is not enough to scare you into living a good life, then we don't know what is. But oh wait, it gets scarier.

I awoke to the most beautiful woman I'd ever seen administering mouth-to-mouth CPR on me. Before I could thank her for saving my life, she told me she'd just tested positive for Ebola.

OoooOOooooOOOOOooo! Are you scared? We put the fear in fearmongering!

We even wrote a two sentence horror story just for the ladies.

I woke up in bed wearing his fedora, feeling more in love than I ever had in my life. As I ran my hand over his blubbery, hair-carpeted stomach and luscious neckbeard, he grunted, "Good morn, milady."

Oh wait, I guess that would be an equally terrifying story for a man. Maybe even more so. Lastly, we wrote our own personal two sentence horror story, one that was so horrifying it made one of us vomit and the other weep uncontrollably. Those who are squeamish, pregnant, or nursing may want to step into the other room.

After a hard day of blogging, we opened the fridge to grab an ice cold beer. The only beer inside was gluten free.


If you've never had a gluten free beer, it's like Satan pissed in a bottle, drank it, vomited it back into the bottle, and then mixed in Justin Bieber's saliva. Yes, it's that bad.

Now, if that's still not scary enough for you, we've decided to run a special promotion for our horror novelette collection, The Graveyard Shift. All this week the price will be reduced from $5.99 to $1.99 in honor of Halloween. So if you haven't checked it out yet, you should. This is not your typical, run of the mill, slash and gore horror. As one of our personal favorites, this book is an awesome collection of psychological thrillers with dark twists and sickening turns for a price that's hard to beat. And don't take our word for it; this is verified by a slew of amazing reviews from people that are not our mothers.


So click on that stunning cover or the link below and grab it while you can.

The Graveyard Shift - now $1.99!

And until next time, help us out. Give us your best two sentence horror story (funny, scary, or both) in the comments. The best three, as voted by us, will be featured here on the blog next week!

Cheers and stay scary, friends,
B&B

Beer: Omission Gluten Free Beer (they omitted the gluten AND the flavor!)
Music: Taylor Swift (or as we like to affectionately call her, T. Swizzle)

^^^ the scares continue even after the post is finished! OOOOOoooooOOOOOoooo...

145 comments:

  1. They've taken the gluten free craze way too far. Get a grip, people - very few of you are actually allergic to gluten!
    Waking up in bed with Hilary Clinton would be terrifying. Explains a lot about Bill, doesn't it?

    ReplyDelete
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    1. You know the real kicker? Gluten free beer isn't even truly gluten free. They just remove the gluten after it's made, but because they do that, trace amounts are still intact. Meaning people who have Celiac disease shouldn't drink it, and anyone else who does drink it just because they're on a "gluten free" kick is an idiotic poser.

      Delete
  2. As someone who has seen a total of three horror films, I'm going to have nightmares about endless tirades of Republican fearmongering vitriol and gluten-free beer tonight. Thanks a bunch.

    -Barb

    ReplyDelete
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    1. See? Anyone who thinks some goober in a hockey mask is scary hasn't turned on Fox News while drinking a gluten free beer and listening to their Taylor Swift album. Now THAT'S horror, folks.

      Delete
  3. I love psychological horror. I'm not a big fan of the jump scares. It's just too easy. I didn't know that American Horror Story started using musical numbers...just another reason to not watch it I guess. I think my personal favourite of these two sentence stories was the fedora one. I'm going to have nightmares about that. I hate that such a beautiful hat has become such a symbol of terribleness.

    I enjoy the two sentence horror stories but it bothers me when they're really run on sentences. It's easy to make a two sentence horror story when you use so many commas that you've written ten sentences in one.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, some of those reddit stories were really a stretch. It was genuinely hard to pick 3 good ones. Like this trainwreck...

      Being the first to respond to a fatal car accident is always the most traumatic thing I see as a police officer. But today, when the crushed body of the little dead child boy strapped in his car seat opened his eyes and giggled at me when I tried to peel him out of the wreckage, I immediately knew that today would be my last day on the force.

      Dude, come on, that's like 4 sentences trying to be smushed into 2. Stahp.

      Delete
  4. "My wife found a lump in my rectum. She was two knuckles deep."
    "The anesthesia started setting in before the oral surgery. As the blackness seeped in, I heard the dentist's zipper."
    I've never been very good at horror, an x-ray of my liver would be horrifying enough.
    By the way, I apologize for not giving you a head's up, but I used your great eulogy for my post today. I really do thank you for it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Okay, that dentist one is going to be damn hard to top. You say you're not good with horror, but dentists, just like clowns and Sarah Palin, are just inherently scary.

      Delete
  5. I hear the appropriate response for something like this is "Great post!" followed quickly by "Thanks for sharing!". That seems like a shallow thing to say, but if that's what you're into then I hope you enjoyed it.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That IS our thing. We picked it up from some woman named Lindo or Lydia, you've probably never heard of her. And if you're feeling like mixing it up, we're also a big fan of, "Cool story, bro. Tell it again." And "That's nice, sweetie." (That's the grandma equivalent)

      Delete
  6. lmao oh the gluten free idiots who believe gluten free instantly means it is good for you. They make me laugh.

    The clown feeling your face made me spit my water out as I pictured it going all Annie on you. I think I'd rather go then catch ebola, unless I came back as that donut, then I'll take ebola and avoid such a fate a little longer.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Well, with ebola you just shit your brains out until you die. But with Mama June... that's a lifetime of foul smelling misery the likes of which I can't even fathom.

      Delete
  7. The donut scares me. That reminds me here is a two sentence horror story,

    For all the single women, Honey Boo Boo's mom had a husband and a boyfriend at the same time. What does that say about you?

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    1. Oh my God I think your story is now officially the scariest. That's not true, is it? For my general sanity it just can't be...

      Delete
    2. sadly it is absolutely true. And now I need to go kill myself for know so much stupid knowledge about this show.

      Delete
  8. Wait, wait, I have one:

    You might not have realized this, but your restraining order against me expired last week. Also, the lightbulb in your hall closet is burned out.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ooh, I like that. Dark AND funny. Where were you when all of those reddit guys were making their two sentence horror stories? You could write circles around them. I mean, we really, REALLY struggled to get 3 good examples from that thread. Cliched premises, run on sentences, bad punchline setup... but I don't know why I expected any better from the Internet.

      Delete
  9. Nice touch with the 256 OZ big gulp. It's actually scary that people really do drink that much soda in a day.

    I waited a maddening number of hours for that delivery. It finally arrived and then I realized I was out of rolling papers.
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    I woke up dripping in sweat, baffled as to why I was so hot. The answer quickly came when my wife ripped a big fart, indicating that she had been passing hot air under the blankets all night.

    I clocked in at work. It was Monday.
    NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!

    I wrote a blog post. Nobody commented on it.
    SONOFABITCH!!!!!!!!!

    I raked the leaves into a pile and dove in head first. The leaves were piled on my concrete driveway.

    I painted my face black for Halloween. I was immediately shot by a police officer.

    I kept on writing 2 sentence horror stories. Nobody told me to stop.

    President Obama offered me a beverage. It was Kool-Aid....grape.

    I walked into the boss' office and was ordered to stand on the plastic covering the carpet. I let out a sigh of relief when he informed me he was just remodeling, and then he shot me.

    For once, the president actually spoke the truth. The entire nation died of a heart attack.

    "Ok, I'll stop now." said the estranged blogger. He moved on to the next blog.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Okay, these are all pretty good and thanks for showing us up by writing more horror stories in one comment than we wrote in our entire damn post, but I have to say, that 'painted my face black and a police officer shot me' one made me almost spit my coffee. That is gold.

      Delete
    2. Nobody trolls like I do. It's what I do.

      Almost? After all that hard work that's all I get is "Almost"?

      I almost like this blog. Almost. Doesn't sit very well, does it? That's like going to grocery shopping and leaving the store with only a magazine. You almost got some food to eat. Almost.

      Ok, joking rant over. Proceed with your empty compliments to the rest of your readers.

      Delete
    3. >>... "I painted my face black for Halloween. I was immediately shot by a police officer."

      That WAS quite funny!
      But the truth of the matter is that the friggin' cops'll shoot anyone, regardless of color.

      Some a-holes don't discriminate.

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

      Delete
    4. Hey now, Dan, I'm just being honest. I hate getting comments like, "I just sprayed coffee all over my computer monitor I was laughing so hard!" We all know that's bullshit. But I was truly taking a sip of coffee while reading your sentences and did that awkward little "HURK!" while I'm drinking liquid and trying not to laugh out loud, so as not to choke.

      So if anything, you almost caused me bodily harm. Just be glad I don't sue you for your own hilarity.

      Delete
    5. You know I'm just playing around. Quite the jokester I am, giving people shit for no good reason. I'll take an 'almost' any day of the week because, yes, we all know nobody truly sprays their computer screens with latte while sitting by themselves in their pajamas, reading blog posts. I'd rather get an honest response than some bullshit response sprinkled with rainbows and glitter from a unicorn's ass.

      Go ahead and sue me, all you'll get is an old torn up pair of sneakers and a sweaty ball cap.

      Delete
    6. Yes, but it's MY torn up pair of sneakers and sweaty ball cap now, leaving you with nothing. And that, my friend, is the 'Murican way.

      Delete
  10. 9, 10, never SLEEP AGAIN.
    I'm still shuddering over those cover songs and the donut. DAMN THE DONUT. I close my eyes and I still see it, like a poison sun!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. So repent, sinner, or one day... THAT COULD BE YOU.

      Delete
  11. I'm glad I'm not the only one who feels that way about AHS. It's double-upsetting because without the stupid music, this would probably have been the best season.

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    1. Doesn't it just kill you? They'll actually set up a pretty decent scene, and then they'll immediately ruin it by cutting to a musical number of some crappy, modern pop song as redone by freaks in 1960. I understand this show was created by the same guys who made Glee, but come on, do you have to remind us every damn episode?

      Delete
  12. I don't need no two stinkin' lines to terrify and horrify you boys. I only need one.

    "Pickleope's new blog is going to be a slash fanfic site about everyone's favourite OTP: Brydon."

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That is truly terrifying. Week after week of constant violation by someone close to me... isn't that THE definition of Hell?

      Delete
  13. How about that famous one from Hemingway:

    "For sale: baby shoes. Oh lord, zombies everywhere!"

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I think it was actually, "For sale: baby shoes. I hardly ever wore them."

      I'm not sure, though, because like Hemingway, I'm constantly drunk when I write.

      Delete
  14. >>... "After a hard day of blogging, we opened the fridge to grab an ice cold beer. The only beer inside was gluten free."

    "Now wait just a cotton-pickin' minute 'er, boys!"
    [You need to read that sentence in your best internal Deputy Dawg voice. And, by the way, Deputy Dawg cartoons are one of the funniest things to drink beer to that this beer-drinkin', cartoon-watchin' cartoon-watchin' beer-drinker ever drank beer to while watchin' cartoons. Dat clear?]

    Those Gluten-Free beers don't just put themselves in the refrigerator. SOMEONE put it there! Muskie muskrat smells a rat!

    Forget two SENTENCES, I can tell you a horrific horror story in just two words:
    Barack Obama.

    For those who prefer their horror watered-down it's:
    "Hope And Change".

    Lastly, I want to put in an unsolicited plug for The Beer Brothers' horror story book 'THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT'. It's really excellent! And this is coming from a person who is not particularly a fan of horror stories.

    For more of my opinion, and my truly deepest thoughts about 'THE GRAVEYARD SHIFT', go to Amazon.scum and read my 5-Star review where I compare Bryan and Brandon to LAUREL & HARDY, ROCKY & BULLWINKLE, ROY ROGERS & TRIGGER, THE TORTOISE & THE HARE, ROCK & ROLL, RHYTHM & BLUES, and CHEECH Y CHONG, just to name 7 legendary duos.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

    ReplyDelete
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    1. ^^ Listen to this man! He's only partially crazy.

      Also, that's part of the horror, that someone would sneak into my house, steal my beer, and replace it with gluten free beer. That's not a prank. That's a nightmare.

      Delete
  15. -I wrote a long winded comment. It didn't post.-

    That's a true story that happened a minute ago.

    -Finally alone on the elevator, I let out a thunderous fart. I heard a sudden, mortal gasp come from behind me.-

    That's a true story. Happened to my brother. He thought he was along on the elevator, so he let loose a ferocious wind. The tiny woman in his blind spot thought to make herself known after being caught in the gust.

    Also, I haven't watched AHS since the first season, so I don't know how throwing a musical number into a horror show would be a good thing. Maybe they're just trying to re-brand the series as An American Rocky Horror Picture Story Show or something.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Chiz: I have never seen "Glee," so I don't know how it compares to AHS this season. But I think the reaction to the "Name Game" episode second season was so positive that they have basically made it a regular thing.

      Still, if AHS is going to become Glee, I hope they go ahead and add that Hispanic lesbian girl to their cast.

      Delete
    2. Writing a long comment, only to have it eaten by blogger - that is true horror. "Crap, I have to be clever all over again! What the hell did I say?"

      Also, if AHS keeps this up, then next season's just going to be like Les Miserables, where EVERYTHING is delivered in singing.

      Delete
    3. Yeah, I remember my old roommate watched the show, and even though he's extremely critical of television shows, he mentioned to me how that particular episode was really good.

      I'm assuming they're original numbers or at least eerie or avant-garde pieces or something, I'm hoping.

      Also, fun fact, just found out that Tim Burtoncore was actually a genre of music.

      Delete
    4. The season is supposed to take place in 1952, but the songs have been a seventies-era Bowie song and a Lana del Rey song.

      Delete
    5. If I never have to listen to a shitty "Tim Burtoncore" band, I can die happy.

      Also, holy crap, 1952? They could not make those songs sound any less 50s-ish if they tried. Is Jessica Lange going to rap next week? And Katy, don't forget Fiona Apple. They did one of her songs, too.

      To go along with what Dolorah said below, am I the only one that finds it comically ironic that the whole premise is a freakshow, and yet for all of these amazing people with all of these incredible deformities the only thing they ever show is Jessica Lange - the "normal" one - singing?

      Meanwhile, you've got the world's smallest woman at your service, and her only cameo last week was popping out of a pumpkin and going "BOO!" I wish I was kidding. I don't think I've ever cringed so hard in my life.

      Delete
  16. Ah the killer clown.
    It is no wonder why so many kids and adults are scared of them. And I thought their fears were irrational :)

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    1. Even the ones that don't murder you are unsettling. I think it's just because they're dead behind the eyes.

      Delete
  17. Hahahaha,
    Been so long since I read you guys :')
    "If you've never had a gluten free beer, it's like Satan pissed in a bottle, drank it, vomited it back into the bottle, and then mixed in Justin Bieber's saliva. Yes, it's that bad."
    I'm very interested to know. Which one of you two cried and which one vomited? :P
    Drop in by my blog :) I'm active again.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Always good to see you back! And to answer your question, the smart one vomited, and the handsome one cried.

      Delete
  18. Your stories were legitimately scarier than the ones from Reddit. I saw a collection of them yesterday and read them because I thought it was funny.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yeah, as mentioned above, some of those reddit ones were just bad. A lot of them were really grasping as straws. Besides, being haunted and hacked and slashed is overrated. That's not scary. You want to hear scary? I haven't been in school for almost 10 years, and I'll STILL be paying my school loans when I'm in my 40s. OOOoooooOOOOooo.

      Delete
  19. I'm gonna have nightmares tonight. No funny cat videos? *Shudder*

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I just don't want to live in a world where we can't see a cat ride a roomba while wearing a shark costume.

      Delete
  20. On a related note, I hate song covers with a few exceptions. I disliked every song by Glee on pandora

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I hate it too, if only because it's usually like, "Here's a song that's been beat to death on the radio. Now let's hear it all over again, just slightly different." AGGGHHH!

      Delete
  21. I had just settled into bed, when I heard the front door open and a light switch flipped on at the first level. I live alone.

    Strange things do happen on the graveyard shift. It's the best killing time as all our alerts settle into sleep.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I dig the going for scary angle! And seriously, that was creepier than 90% of those lame reddit ones. Well done!

      And I don't know what it is about late night, but you never hear a horror story start with, "So it was late morning and I'd just finished my brunch..."

      Delete
  22. Ok...Let's see if I can do this horror story thing...

    I was making dinner for a neighbor who recently had surgery. Just as I got the sauce boiling in the pan, I turned around and found that I had no spaghetti noodles. *facepalm*

    As I finished washing the dishes, I noticed that it was unnaturally quiet. It was then that I realized that my 2-year-old was missing, and so were the permanent markers.

    Every mom's nightmare!

    By the by, I just have to comment on the brilliance of the cartoon of the dancing, singing killer clown. I'm impressed. I don't think I've ever been so completely amused and creeped out all at the same time. Well done.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Do you know how hard it was to capture the essence of a killer clown doing "The Carlton?" I have to say, that took some work, so thank you for the kind words! I think it all paid off.

      Also, those are some insanely creepy mom horror stories. I may not be a mom, but how about this?

      Everyone was so happy when my young son served up dinner for all of our guests. But it wasn't until I saw the dirt, dog hair, and boogers on his fingers that I realized he hadn't washed his hands before dinner like I'd told him to.

      Delete
    2. That was pretty good! Very scary. :)

      Delete
  23. I hit the reload button instead of a tab I wanted to check real quick, and then my comment got erased. How's that for horror? Let me try this again...

    Still better quality horror than jump scares, right?
    The "two sentence something" things (and its variations, like "fifteen word something") are pretty cool, but I feel like the same kind of submissions get posted over and over. Then again, I'm no connoisseur.
    (Hey, remember that comment chain about music and things we had going on? I added yet another comment with even more recommendations and words to it, but didn't get a reply to it. That's cool, no worries, but here's a notification in case you didn't see it yet. ;D)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Nah, it's not just you. There's only so many different ways you can post "someone is behind you" or "I saw my dead wife" before you start yawning.

      Also, I suck at remembering things, so thanks for the reminder. Which I'm sure I'll promptly forget.

      Delete
  24. These were all so great!! I'm getting disappointed with American Horror's need for those musical numbers too; and why it that the only show in the Freak Show act. I see a whole carnival in the background, and they only showcase an old lady singing. Yep, that is scary. And Twisty disappointed me when he didn't kill Dandy at the mansion.

    As for a two sentence scare, hmm:

    My fat cat is wonderful puppy wannabe; always poking his head in my refrigerator to see what I'm eating, watching the toilet paper swirl away down the plumbing, even helping out in the garage when we walled away granny. I wonder where he's been the last few days.

    Uck, nevermind; takes me too long to think about these short diddies.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Ha, still a much better horror story than AHS by a mile! And you bring up a GREAT point - you've got the world's shortest woman, a lady with three boobs, and lobster boy, and the entire freakshow is just basically "watch Jessica Lange sing cover songs." I'd ask for my damn money back.

      Delete
  25. None of these scenarios scares me more than the one about Honey Boo Boo's mother. And why would anyone market gluten free beer? People actually buy it to get healthy?

    I'm stuck on a deserted island with Rosie O'Donnell. There's one chocolate bar between us.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fun fact: regular beer isn't even all that bad for you, so long as you don't drink a ton. Besides, removing the gluten isn't gonna do a damn thing for someone who doesn't have Celiac disease. All it's gonna do is make the beer taste like crap (and yes, we both tried a gluten free beer at a party once - the owner had Celiac, offered some to us, and was like, "It's good, right?" so we had to smile and nod and choke the whole thing down).

      Also, that story is going to be hard to top. I just imagined the look in her eyes as she realized she was going to have to eat you, with the chocolate bar serving as her dessert, and I made a sign of the cross for you. I haven't even been inside a church in 10 years.

      Delete
  26. Darkness surrounded me and squeezed. Struggling to breathe, I raced down the stairs hearing receding laughter as the pressure eased and a breath of air filled my lungs.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ooh, that's creepy. Don't share that with my wife, who has asthma attacks. She may find herself blaming something other than her lungs next time she has trouble breathing...

      Delete
  27. I had finally convinced the luscious blonde to allow my finger where I had wanted to put it for so long, circling, prodding, then finally removing and tasting. I woke up from the dream sucking my finger, my faithful and somewhat aroused beagle beside me.


    NOT A TRUE STORY! So don't ask!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Okay, if this contest was based on disgustingness only, you would win hands down. That is just awful!*

      *in the most fantastic way possible. This is why we like you.

      Delete
  28. But, Bryan, I am your mother.
    And, Brandon, I am your father.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's so horrifying. And yet... that would explain so much about the both of us.

      Delete
  29. I'll leave the horror to everyone else thank you. Is there really gluten free beer?

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. There really is, and it's truly as terrible as you'd think it would be.

      Delete
  30. I really liked American Horror Story the last couple of seasons but this one..I've given up on. It's trash.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. I had my doubts when I'd first heard there was a cool new horror show from the makers of Glee. But those initial few seasons were actually pretty good. Then they went and tried to turn it into Glee 2.0... and now, just like its characters, this show needs a brutal death, stat.

      Delete
  31. B&B:
    Good Lord...you guys are brilliantly hilarious...!!!
    (crying laughing...yeah, THAT kind of funny)

    American Horror Story...wanted to watch it.
    (no longer thanks to this post...lol)

    Locked in a room with those "particular" folks?
    Yeah, I can handle that (and so could the conservatives you picked...pass the popcorn and get me some cheerleaders!

    Now the Honey Boo-Boo thing IS a very scary premise...give 'ya that one hands DOWN.

    GLUTEN-FREE BEER?
    Cripes, beer from the 'Nam is better than THAT swill...
    (your descriptive is enough to have me looking to drive the porcelain bus.)
    Who in their right mind would WANT (to suffer) gluten-free suds?
    That's like alcohol-free VODKA MARTINIS (not shaken OR stirred...just tossed the hell out)

    Another excellent post...right in time for the annual "beg-a-thon" for the kiddies...
    Stay safe (and unafraid) out there.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Thank you for the kind words! Now, you've got me wondering how bad Vietnamese beer is. Can't say I've ever had any. Or even heard of any. On a scale from alcohol free beer to Keystone Light, how bad we talkin', here?

      Delete
  32. Stuck on that ass would be my version of hell

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And yet most guys would kill to be stuck on a woman's ass for eternity.

      Delete
  33. The bell rang and I opened the front door. It was my ex-husband.

    Love,
    Janie

    Now I'm gonna cry 'cause my own story scares me so much.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The bell rang and I opened the front door. It was Janie's ex husband.

      No, actually, I think that story sounds pretty creepy no matter whose perspective it's from.

      Delete
    2. Yes. We should all be very afraid.

      Delete
  34. It's so weird that my Facebook question was on the same day as your post. And, truly, that story is the scariest of them all!!

    ReplyDelete
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    1. When I logged onto Facebook shortly after making blog comments, your question was at the very top. I didn't even go looking for it. Facebook - the true creepy stalker.

      Delete
  35. Wait, why couldn't you find cat videos on the internet?! No one can make cat videos disappear from the internet though, really, right? RIGHT!?!?!?!

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. If the Internet ever gets censored thanks to those stodgy old farts in congress, I bet cat videos are THE FIRST TO GO.

      Delete
  36. So there I was, pissing INTO the toilet bowl after my 7th beer, when it starts to rain. Now I'm indoors so I look up and see a toilet bowl shaped hole with myself pissing onto me on the ceiling.

    I told everybody it wasn't butter, and they couldn't believe it. They'll never know that it really was.

    I can't do anything as scary as any of those sweet ones in under two sentences. I really tried. Deserves an applause.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. "Portal with Pee." I like that. It may not be a great scary story, but I can think of a great revenge story where someone sets up an outhouse that will allow a person to literally shit on their worst enemy. How's that?

      Delete
  37. "It's time for my goddamn medicine" I yelled from my bed where'd I'd been laying paralyzed for the last 2 years.

    The nurse walked in with a bottle I'd never seen before, a spoon, and a sinister look on her face and said "it's time for this new concoction, you miserable, ungrateful bastard".

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. That's dark, and I love it! I can't say I feel too sorry for our narrator, who seems like a bit of a grump, but we also can't say that they didn't get what's coming to them.

      Delete
  38. It was almost 8:00 and my brain was fried...in a skillet. Damn the freak who doesn't understand the difference between literal and figurative!

    That is seriously sad, but I tried. It really is 8:00 and I really am fried.

    I'll have to grab your book. And then read it a year later...I'm fast like that.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Hannibal Lecter approves of that story. What he doesn't approve of is Amazon being a piece of shit and not changing our price even after it was submitted almost a week ago.

      Delete
  39. The clown looks like he's doing the Carlton. I have to wait for American Horror Story on Netflix (so I'm at least two seasons behind and wondering if they'll be getting anymore at all), but I'm sad to hear this carnival freaks one is lame. It looked so freaky in the previews! Plus, I love freaky clowns. ~sob~

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Good eye! He IS doing the Carlton. And while I won't ruin the story, I'll just tell you this - the first season is absolutely the best. The second season isn't bad, but has some weird twists that don't really make sense, and the third season is pretty decent. After that, for the love of all that is holy, stop. The previews look cool as hell, but it's not scary in the slightest, and there is truly one musical number per episode. It's like... their thing now.

      Delete
  40. Gluten free beer? WTF. No funny cat videos? Double WTF.
    These two are scary enough to give me nightmares . . .

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. But you don't mind being Mama June's fart pillow for eternity? Oh, what has the Internet done to us?

      Delete
  41. "Wait, so was the toilet seat up or down?"
    "Neither... I went to take a leak... And the toilet seat was gone."

    ReplyDelete
  42. Life was good for the Grand Dragon of the Ku Klux Klan. But then one day, a black man crossed his path.

    ReplyDelete
  43. Some people drive big cars and some people drive small cars. And some people... drive medium-sized cars.

    ReplyDelete
  44. It was Friday the 13th, and Stephen was on edge. On Saturday the 21st, he died.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. His funeral was attended by no one. Even the priest had something better to do that day.

      Delete
  45. The boy thought there was no way his sandwich could contain avocado. He was wrong.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Fun fact: That story would literally kill my wife, who is so deathly allergic to avocado she has to carry an epipen with her at all times.

      Delete
  46. One day, there was a thing that was really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really, really scary. It was pretty bad.

    ReplyDelete
  47. Johnny got the straight he was looking for and pushed all-in. His opponent had a flush.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I often have to flush when I go straight.

      (I don't understand poker)

      Delete
  48. Adam got the straight he was looking for and pushed all-in. His opponent had a straight too, but with a slightly higher top number.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. I think you just made Brandon shriek in horror (poker lover).

      Delete
  49. The school children stared. It wasn't a very funny joke.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This one hits pretty close to home after last week's Elementary School talk. "Uh oh, he's bombing out there! Quick, play him off!" *frantic piano music*

      Delete
    2. This and the previous one are my favourite replies :)

      Delete
  50. This was the most beautiful girl he'd ever seen in his life, and she was undressing right in front of him. But then he realized with horror - he'd left his condom in his other pants.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Welp, guess I'm knocking her up! - the horror continues

      Delete
  51. It was a full moon out. Well, not quite a full moon - that was a few days away.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A werewolf's worst nightmare. Well, that, and hairballs.

      Delete
  52. "Someone, please help!!" she screamed. "There's been so many re-runs of The Big Bang Theory!!!"

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

      "You have to watch it," the blonde girl said, possessing the IQ of a toaster. "You toooootally have to be smart to get all of the jokes."

      Delete
  53. She woke up screaming. She should not have had that curry.

    ReplyDelete
  54. Sometimes, you can still hear the old grounds keeper chopping up his victims. Then sometimes, you can't.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Plot twist: his victims are rats, and the kids all think the new lunchmeat at the cafeteria is the best it's ever been.

      Delete
  55. It was dark and the the wolves were howling, the owls hooting, the crickets chirping, the cats meowing, the cows mooing, the zebra whinnying, the polar bears growling, and the rabbits making those kind of nibbling noises you make with your front teeth. It was pretty noisy, come to think of it...

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Zebras whinny? Not only was I horrified, I learned something today.

      Delete
  56. Michael tried to read back over all the stories he had written in the last hour. Some say he was there so long, he got trapped in a time-vortex and he's still there reading to this very day.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. This place is our own personal limbo. We can't come, we can't go, we just kind of sit here. Making comments. For eternity. Help.

      Delete
  57. Two peanuts walk into a bar. One was a werewolf.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. The werewolf was a-salted. But no one was amused, because domestic violence is not a laughing matter. Also, the werewolf underwent years of intense physical therapy. That peanut really went nuts on him.

      Delete
  58. "Jenny, get your ass down here and clean the dishes!" called her Mum. That's when Jenny realized - the call was coming from inside the house.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. And that was when Mom realized... who the hell is Jenny? I'm sterile.

      Delete
  59. Why is Michael D'Agostino dressed in a scary clown suit, and going on a mad comment rampage?! Our friends at AHS must have read this, as there was no show stopping musical number this week. You're right that it does have a slight Glee vibe, but other than Chris Colfer's hair, AHS wins hands down on special effects. I think this season is one of their best, and Jessica Lange better pick up an Emmy. Kathy Bates has been exceptional too! Congrats on your book, B & B!

    Julie

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Oh, he's wearing the scary clown suit because he got blood on his silly one... making it no longer quite so silly.

      Also, if AHS keeps up the way it did a few days ago they may be onto something. NO MORE MUSICAL NUMBERS!

      Delete
  60. All seriousness for a moment, while those stories are clever, they all rely on a twist ending. That's something I've never liked about Flash Fiction. It's too Shymalanian.

    FINALLY I can get Graveyard AND have $4 left over, just in time to get a McRib (TM) from McDonald's! (TM).

    (This comment brought to you by McDonald's McRibs: You may SAY you don't like them, but you JUST KEEP BUYING THEM.)

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Well, being Shymalanian is okay if it's a Sixth Sense type of twist. If it's... well, any other movie he's ever done, then BOOO.

      This comment sponsored by Diabetes. Bet you can't just have one! Make mine Type TWO!

      Delete
  61. The Graveyard Shift is one of my favorites too. You guys did a great job with it.

    Such blaspheme. How dare you insult conservatives like that. Oh, wait. You insulted liberals too. Not to mention, I'm conservative and don't like Sarah Palin and Sean Hannity either. Not everything is a conspiracy people!

    I'm a bit behind on watch AHS but have also noticed there's too much singing. I'm wondering if this will be like all the other seasons. Start out strong only to wither away near the end. Why do I keep watching it? I always end up not finishing the season.

    Hmm, I don't think I throw my hat into the ring for an honorable mention. Too many talented folks here. The competition is fierce.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. We're not conservative or liberal. We hate everyone. My happy ending to that story would be unlocking the door, throwing a grenade inside, walking outside, and locking it again.

      Also, can a season wither away at the end if it never started strong? No, wait, don't answer that, as I'm sure it actually CAN get worse.

      Delete
  62. I didn't read all of the comments, but I did read that bit StMc wrote about not needing two sentences: Barack Obama.

    That got me to thinking about what is even scarier... in two sentences, of course.

    It's the 2016 Presidential election, and I am about to place my vote. I can't decide between Hilary Clinton or Jeb Bush.

    ReplyDelete
  63. Stab... good one. That's basically a one-word horror story. Yesterday a student asked me if Ebola was a disease or an illness.... There, a one-sentence TRUE horror story! But gluten free beer is much worse, of course. The idea is terrifying.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Duh, Ebola's an STD. That's why whenever I have sex, I always make sure and use my Ebola-grade condoms™ - "Melt her heart, not your insides."

      Delete
  64. Trying to slide in under the wire with this comment, although I did read this 'cringeworthy' post last Monday, but it has taken me this long to get back around here.

    Two sentence horror - now there's something you don't see everyday.

    'Finally the brain dead waitress with the pus oozing from her lip sores, came back with the burger for Jerry. It looked scrumptious and was loaded with extra secret sauce.'

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. Ewwww! A wonderful contribution, late as it may be. And yet... still not as bad as something you'd get at McDonald's...

      Delete
  65. Well, I think it's a tossup between waking up next to Mr. Furry, and a world without cat videos.

    That, or my two sentence version of hell:

    And I awoke in the mall, in the plastic playground full of screaming children and their idiot parents. I could never leave.

    ReplyDelete
  66. As I entered the bookstore I noticed something wasn't quite right. I stepped back outside to read the sign atop the entrance, Barnes and Oprah, hell has arrived at last.

    ReplyDelete
  67. It took me awhile to work up the courage to read this. I'm terrified!!

    ReplyDelete