Monday, October 20, 2014

Brandon and Bryan Expose Themselves to Children in Public

It's true, we've never really been exposed to children, but for some inexplicable reason Maxwell Elementary asked us to speak to their kids about being professional writers last week. So we did.
And the result was nothing short of epic. It was chock full of profound philosophical insights, stunning public speaking skills, and even a death threat or five. Definitely five.


In a 30 minute presentation, we taught the kids all kinds of important things regarding writing. Like how to work together under stress.


We also taught them how to dispose of a dead hooker. Which doesn't really relate to writing, but is just a great life-lesson anyway.


We even taught them how to market yourself as a writer.


We then challenged them to write our next novel for us, because we're in a creative slump and our career is in severe decline.


After our talk, we opened it up to Q and A, where the children had so many questions, like "Why are you here?" and "Why are you drunk?" and "Where can we find the antidote?"


Even after all the kids were dismissed, they wanted us to stick around and goof off with them. So we played football in the gymnasium, and Bryan showed off his best John Elway throw.*


*as thrown by a now-retired, 60 year old John Elway

The pass went to Brandon, who dragged 5 third-graders with him to a touchdown. He then celebrated by spiking the ball in their tiny, disappointed faces.


Brandon was then sent to time out to think about what he'd done.


At that point, the principal realized we were way too big and hairy to be third-graders, and our cover was blown. We were promptly ejected from the premises, Uncle Phil style.


...Okay, kidding aside, we DID talk to Maxwell Elementary, and we told them all about the importance of writing. Not just that, but we showed them just how fun it is, that even as adults we still have a blast writing. And they loved every minute of it. Our original story, to demonstrate the proper use and importance of beginning/middle/end, even got a round of applause from the kids.


The Snake and the Wig

(Beginning) There once was a snake who was sad because he was bald.
(Middle) He met a talking wig that was sad because it had no friends.
(End) So the snake wore the wig, and everyone was happy, because the snake now had hair, and the wig now had a friend. The end.

(A moving story, we know)

Afterwards, we challenged them all to write us a story using the things we taught them, and everyone is incredibly excited at the thought of writing an original story that's going to be seen by two real life authors.

Overall, the presentation was a ton of fun for everyone, and to our fellow writer friends who have often heard that reading is dead... well, don't tell that to these third-graders. You should see just how excited they get over a good book, and many of them were incredibly disappointed to hear that they couldn't (or rather, shouldn't in good conscience) read any of our books... at least until they're much, much older.

In the end, after showing them that reading and writing can make you into literary rock stars like us, we gave a hundred third-graders permission to rock the fuck out.


Because writing will never be dead as long as kids like these are still being taught that reading is pretty damn awesome.

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Sondre Lerche (in concert!)
Beer: Big Choice Poblano Stout

138 comments:

  1. What a nice thing to do...No, not talking to the kids, but giving their poor teacher a 30 minute reprieve. Hopefully she/he used that 30 minutes to go to the parking lot and grab a smoke and take a shot of whiskey to get her/him through the rest of the day dealing with 3rd graders. You're doing the Lord's work.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Yes, Brother Pickleope, and somehow the Lord gave us the strength to not cuss at, with, or to those children. Amen.

      Also, after the talk we had a brief 15 minute Q and A... and that was all it took to realize I could never be a teacher. Having to deal with those machine gun-fire rapid barrage of questions all day long truly takes the patience of a saint. Or a joint in the parking lot between classes.

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    2. He's about to desert us, Picklewise, that is. Did you know? Are you fully informed, fellas?

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    3. We did know. In fact, we wrote him a hell of a eulogy that even includes comics. I hope he uses it.

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  2. Getting thrown out is better than being arrested.
    Glad you braved a hundred third graders and their spit balls and had a good time.
    Did they write your next epic novel for you? And does it include dead hookers?

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    1. Our next novel is now called The Farting Robot Cuts The Cheese, and it's about a farting robot that uses his powers to blast himself to the moon, so that he can harvest all of the moon's cheese.

      And this is why it's great to have a third-grade level sense of humor, because this sounds plausible for us to have written.

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    2. It was either that or the queefing toaster, but I feel like that's a higher level subject better suited for middle school.

      Delete
  3. It's disappointing to see how much you two hated being with those third graders. Sounds like the poor kids got ripped off. ;p

    I love this post, guys!

    It's good to know the spirit of reading and writing hasn't been completely crushed in our youth. My daughter loves to write and she's damn good at it too. (Yeah, so, I'm her mom, I'm a bit biased).

    Are the kids really submitting stories to you? If so, I hope you'll share a few with us. Kids' writing is the best and you can find some true gems along the way.

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    1. Then what are you waiting for? Make your daughter write your next novel. Right now she's probably at an age where she doesn't fully understand things like royalties and copyright.

      And yes, kids really are submitting their stories to us... they're giving them to their teachers, who will e-mail them to us. We are quite excited to read them... you should see some of the shit these kids come up with. Listening to them talk about a fiction story idea is like listening to someone explain the world's greatest LSD trip.

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    2. What a brilliant idea! I'll just give her a topic and tell her it's for her college entrance application or something. She's young enough to fall for it. And, she's dumb enough to still trust me. Sucker!!

      Oh my gosh, I bet their stories are hilarious. Kids have no filter and are all imagination. Even if it doesn't make sense, it's still golden. You guys are gonna have a blast reading their stuff.

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  4. When I was in 7th grade a published poet came to talk to our class. That was my first real inspiration to write anything that wasn't for a grade in class. I am surprised that people think reading is dead. I was on a band trip this weekend and the kids on the bus begged to stop at a used bookstore. Of course we stopped. What kind of teacher would say no to kids wanting to go to a bookstore. I am going to copy your idea and make my kids write my blog posts for me. Knowing them, it very could involve dead hookers.

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    1. I might just be talking out of my ass here, but I feel like the love of reading starts to get lost in high school, when kids stop reading books they enjoy and start getting forced to read archaic yawn-fests like The Scarlet Letter and The Last of the Mohicans, after which you're forced to point out symbolism that doesn't exist or is just coincidental because the teacher swears it was put there intentionally.

      That's awesome that they wanted to stop at a used bookstore so badly. I wish adults were even half as excited to walk into a bookstore.

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    2. I think the problem with a book such as The Scarlet Letter is that the teacher doesn't talk about all the crazy supernatural stuff in that book and doesn't ask questions such as, How would you feel if you were Hester? What would you do? The Scarlet Letter is a cool book if it's taught properly.

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    3. Yeah, not only did our teacher not talk about any of that stuff, but I was too young. I was in middle school. I didn't even really know half the history of that era, and our teacher's attitude was just pretty much, "Well, you'll learn the history from reading this!"

      Not a great learning style, let me tell you. I had no investment in it, and tuned out very quickly because I found it boring and irrelevant.

      Most of the books I was forced to read in middle/high school I hated, but I've come to appreciate as an adult. Maybe I need to reread that one.

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    4. I love Scarlet... Just not the letter.

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    5. She put out in a time when women were supposed to wear chastity belts... we all know she's the REAL hero of that era.

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  5. Look at you guys being responsible citizens and educating the youth! So happy to see you talking to them about the importance of writing. So many schools, rightly so, stress the importance of reading and building life long passionate readers, but there's nothing to read if we're not encouraging them to write as well. Well done, fellas.

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    1. Awww, thanks. And that's actually how we presented things, too. You wouldn't believe how shocked these kids were to find out that regular people like us wrote books, and that if they wanted to, they could write awesome books by themselves, too. Their tiny minds were just completely blown.

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  6. So much for getting rid of clickbait headlines. In all seriousness though good job on teaching those kids about the greatness of writing. Sounds like they already knew a lot about reading. I understand that might be classed as an achievement for today's third graders. It was pretty cool of the school to invite you along like that and let you stick around and it sounds like you did a lot of good.

    How does it feel to know you've helped meld the minds of the future in a positive and productive manner? I always figured I'd be a terrible role model myself.

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    1. Hey now, if we wanted to write clickbait titles the appropriate title would be "You'll Never Believe What These Two Idiots Showed Children In Public. The Fourth Picture Will Astound You."

      And yes, it feels pretty good to have potentially melded some minds in the right direction. If we just helped unlock the next Mark Twain, then we take full credit for that.

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  7. Letting the kids get their imagination in play is great. The snake and the talking wig would make a good kids book. We already know you can rhyme after today's post. Awesome you braved all the happy to pass you any kind of germs kiddos.

    ReplyDelete
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    1. That story is copyrighted, so don't you even THINK of stealing it from us!

      ...Okay, it's not. You can have it if you want it.

      You aren't kidding about the germs. After one afternoon I got Ebola Jr. My insides are now liquefying into chocolate milk. It sounds delightful and whimsical, but I assure you it's incredibly painful.

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  8. It's always great to play sports against people much younger and smaller than you. Of course, I'd have to go with pre-K, or some age where they're not only small but can be convinced of my version of the rules of the game.

    The only other good things about kids is that if you feed them, they will find your remote control for you.

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    1. One of the kids really did threaten to kill Brandon, so I think pre-K is definitely the way to go if you want to make up your own rules AND not receive death threats.

      Also, is that a thing? Because my remote control has been missing for months. Can I rent one of your kids? You have one you can spare, right?

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  9. Good for you guys - this might prevent (those) kids from becoming illiterate adults. You did a world of good!!

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    1. I don't know if we did a world of good, but we certainly did a small classroom full of good. Which, karmically speaking, is more than enough for the likes of me.

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  10. Congrats! Hope kids learned really something useful in school. You know that is last place to learn something nowadays.

    Wait..before I go praise about all your good deed and your service to kids and society, I need to get clarified on something.
    So, this week it was you guys, who was before? or who is after?
    If any of the answer involves John Grisham, then I would join NRA and fight for rights for guns in schools.

    Hope they learnt to write soemthing without hashtag and ROFL, LMFAO,LOL, TTFL etc.,

    Congrats again and lucky kids... The last picture is so cute and epic. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Nope, we're the only authors who have spoken to them. And let me tell you, speaking of that whole hashtag thing, it was so refreshing to speak to a room full of people where not a single person was on their phone. Sadly, give it about 5 years. That will change.

      "Sum old author guy here tlking bout books. So ghey. Books r lame. #SWAG"

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    2. I think he's that guy that wrote all of those Larry Potter novels. I'm not very well read.

      Delete
  11. >>... Our original story, to demonstrate the proper use and importance of beginning/middle/end, even got a round of applause from the kids.

    A beginning, a middle, and an end? That's "a story arc"?

    That's good to know.

    I always thought "a story arc" was like when an old, retired quarterback (like, say, John Elway) reminisced about throwing a 70-yard game-winning touchdown pass, when in fact what he had thrown was a 70-yard game-ending "Hail Mary" interception. I thought THAT was "a story arc".

    I guess I'm ready to begin my writing career now.
    (My NFL career having recently ended.)

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Don't trust the words of any man who's spent 20 years of his life getting his brain rattled inside of a helmet.

      If you think The Snake and the Wig is stupid, just listen to an NFL announcer talk about "the key to success" in a game.

      "Peyton Manning won the game today because he successfully threw the football. He completed a lot of passes, he kept driving the ball forward, and he threw a lot of touchdowns, all of which contributed to the win."

      Brilliant analysis, Jim. I never would have known that. I thought dropping passes and running backwards was the key to success, but this is why you're in that booth and I'm down here in my living room eating Cheetos.

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    2. ...and the children next door crying.

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  12. That is awesome. I'm sure they would grow into amazing adults if 3rd graders read your books. I saw the movie "Faces of Death" when I was around 8 years old, and I hardly ever get court-appointed therapy anymore. I hope you got to see their stories, some 3rd graders are HILARIOUS. My son used to write stories and though most were pretty much exactly like the comic book "Captain Underpants" there would always be some hilarious part like,
    "The ninja went home after the battle to take a nap. Then, 12 years later he went for a walk."
    Too funny.

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    1. That's fantastic simply because you just can't make that kind of stuff up. I got to listen to a kid talk about a story idea where an astronaut traveled to Mars and got lost so he called his mom for directions, because mom knows everything. That's just brilliant. If Sandra Bullock did that in Gravity she could have saved us all two damn hours of agony.

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  13. ABFS:
    Have to hand it to you guys...braving the vicissitudes of ELEMENTARY SCHOOL...AGAIN.

    Kids are wonderful to talk to, as long as the wiseguys are kept in the cloak room (they still have them, don't they?)
    Damn, I just DATED myself, now.
    Never have spoken to a class full of kids, though...
    (yet, anyway)
    The only things I ever got published were a few letters to the editors.
    But, I have been on local cable-access TV and a couple news spots...all of it GOOD, too.
    (now, where WE live, that IS amazing).
    All the "locals" are usually on the news for shooting one another, or doing something ELSE illegal and nasty, so any time you can have the media WITH you...it's a plus.
    (and I made a couple friends, too in the media.
    The up side, it tends to keep the undesirables a tad farther away.

    You looked like you both had a great time there, and I hope that those fertile young minds got some "food for thought" and maybe have a Pulitzer prize winner in the group some day.
    If you're gonna dream, dream BIG, right?

    Again, nice job with the kids.

    Stay safe out there.

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    1. That must be fun doing a local news interview. We've never had the pleasure. I'm sure it's not hard to top "local idiot describes traffic accident using nothing but loud crashing noises" and "man gives his opinion on something he clearly knows nothing about."

      As I said to a commenter above, if we've somehow created the next Mark Twain, we both take full responsibility for that. If we created the next James Patterson, though? Not so much.

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  14. Well if that isn't the raddest thing ever. Cool of you to reach out and teach the young'uns all about the magical world of getting shitfaced and writing premium-priced cheap smut. Think you could come talk at my school... college?

    Oh and you had me laughing at "We then challenged them to write our next novel for us, because we're in a creative slump and our career is in severe decline." It just seemed so genuine to me, all "shit we've hit rock bottom, this is the best we can do".

    ReplyDelete
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    1. Oh, we can hit a lot lower than asking third graders to write us a novel. Just you watch. Our creativity with self depreciation has never faltered.

      And if we created the next E.L. James, or Stephenie Meyer, then it was all worth it for the sake of our secret plan to destroy the English language... FROM THE INSIDE.

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  15. You two looked like you had too much fun to be writers :) It is important work to influence the minds of the young - and who know, that bury the body presentation may come in handy for them someday.

    Loved the wig story.

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    1. A lot of the kids were genuinely confused/surprised that we thought writing was so fun. But we really do. I mean, if you think writing is boring and you're a writer, then you're clearly writing the wrong thing.

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  16. I can see schools must be getting more liberal, and that isn't referring to politics. . . Great going to put some ideas into those little heads. Looks like a great time was had. I wonder how publishing will look like when these students are out of school? It might become like Wild in the Streets, with kids trumping the adults at writing.... Not a good thought.

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    1. Yeah, the school was actually pretty excited at the idea of two young authors who could make the students laugh and wouldn't bore them to tears. I've seen some older authors talk, even one who claimed to write humor, who was about as fun as watching paint dry.

      And talent is talent, age is just a number, so we say bring on the young prodigies!

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  17. I believe your story promotes the indentured servitude of talking wigs.

    I must arrange a boycott now.

    Booooooo! *Hissssssss*

    ReplyDelete
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    1. It also promotes the idea that being follicly-challenged is a bad thing, which has got the bald community up my ass like you would not believe.

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    2. Yeah, that too!

      And I can say as a bald man, myself, that the last thing I'd want in a wig is the ability to talk. An obvious toupee' is bad enough; one that can talk would be an exercise in futility.

      Gawd, do your research!!!!

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  18. Damn skippy! Rock the fuck out!!!!

    This was awesome of you guys! I'm glad all of you had fun. And hey, I liked that story. Go Snake and Wig!!! :D

    S.K. Anthony: Time Management Tips

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    1. You think that story was good? You should see the sequel we're planning, The Snake and the Wig Part Two, With a Vengeance: This Time It's Personal.

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  19. I hope you didn't tell them how to find your blog. Wait! Maybe you should go back to tell them how to find your blog. They need to grow the fuck up.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. We figured it was enough that we told them Santa isn't real and that their parents don't actually know everything and have no idea what the fuck they're doing - they're just guessing and hoping for the best. But sure, we can tell them about the blog, too.

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    2. Thanks for being responsible adults.

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    3. Santa isn't real? First Janie and now... you?

      I need a present.

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    4. Here's your present: magic isn't real, and the cake is a lie.

      Delete
  20. Good to know that you two are guiding the next generation of the youth of America.

    I can't believe I wrote that with a straight face!

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    1. I can't believe it either, but you just have to put it in perspective. I mean, sure, we're no Bill Gates, but we're also not Justin Bieber stumbling in drunk while crying for his bodyguard to get him a ring pop.

      Delete
  21. I'm laughing at how attentive they appear to be when staring at the monkey trying to hide a dead hooker.

    Seriously, this is awesome. I'm sure you inspired the kids, and it's inspiring to learn that they're so excited to read actual (vs. digital) books. Maybe you should consider adding a series of children's books to your overflowing plate. (?)

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    1. The soulless salesman somewhere deep inside of me informed me after that presentation that had we been children's book authors, we could have easily walked out of there with 50-100 sales. Damn you, integrity.

      Delete
  22. Learning how to dispose of a hooker is an important life lesson.
    Glad you guys had fun!

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    1. If anything, we're just glad the kids had fun. We always get a kick out of ourselves; we're just happy the kids did, too. Nothing's worse than a room full of bored, unhappy kids.

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  23. How do you get famous? Steal an entire generation of kids and brainwash them into believing you're fabulous. I see that you are making a fantastic start... unless the pics are lying, they all thought you were fabulous.

    Seriously, this was great. That you went. That it turned out so well. I would have loved meeting a Real Life Author(s) when I was that age. You guys are ROCKSTARS.

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    1. We may not be rockstars in everyday life, but it's pretty damn cool to show 100 kids that what we do is awesome, and have them not just believe us, but ask us everything under the sun about it because they want to write, too.

      Also, when one of them asked "how old are you?" and I responded, "Well, how old do you think I am?" hearing answers like "18!" and "Nah I'm gonna guess 22" was pretty nice, too. :)

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    2. So you had them believe in you. See, you're like Santa.

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    3. Actually, I think we're more like the sexy elves doing Santa's dirty work.

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  24. I hate to be not funny yet again, but I am proud of you both.

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    1. Thank you! That really does mean a lot to us both, funny be damned.

      We expect one hell of a gut busting comment next week, though...

      Delete
  25. Hey! Look at you guys! Inspiring a whole new generation of writers. I am very impressed.

    It doesn't even appear as though They tied you to chairs and danced around you, chanting, before sacrificing you to the gods of Crayola and Extra Recess. You must have been pretty riveting. You should come and speak at my son's school. I bet they'd love you there! Way to be awesome!

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    1. See? The Lord of the Flies lied to us all. Neither of us were speared or roasted on a firepit. I knew we were forced to read that book in school for no good reason. And if we ever become literal literary rockstars, we'll make sure your son's school is on our tour list.

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    2. I never had to read Lord of the Flies, but from what I understand about it, I didn't miss out on anything.

      I'm going to hold you guys to that promise, by the way. You literal literary rock stars, you.

      Delete
    3. Don't read The Lord of the Flies or The Lord of the Rings or The Blue Lord from Dallas. Well, maybe you should read the last one. I may be leaning toward that color, though.

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    4. As long as it's not about tribal children killing each other or a really long-winded fantasy story told in archaic English I'd say it's probably the best of them all.

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  26. Corrupting the youth of tomorrow and making them read, well done

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    1. After we were done brainwashing their tiny, suggestible minds, all they wanted to do was go home and read. Our plan worked flawlessly. The future doesn't stand a chance.

      Delete
  27. That is very cool! They don't let me around kids. Possibly because I insist on bringing Kitty McGee everywhere I go. She's an important part (read: all) of my family, and she WILL be included.

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    1. Sadly, kids have very short attention spans, and while we were pretty entertaining I'm certain that bringing a kitten would have just derailed any and all talk of writing and turned it into "can I pet the kitty?"

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  28. What a very cool thing you did! If one of those kids can be influenced by anything either one of you said....well, we're f**ked! LOL. Seriously, this is one of the best posts, guys! Really proud of you for doing this. Too bad the kids can't read your blog to see what you really said!

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    1. Thank you! You know, those kids could turn out a lot worse than us... now how's that for a scary thought?

      Delete
  29. Oh goodness. I shudder to think what they told their parents when they got home. Or worse, if they convince their parents to buy your books and then they read them.

    ...Well, they'll have life lessons. Yeah, let's call it that.

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    1. If any single one of them went home and said, "Mommy, I want to grow up and be just like Brandon and Bryan" then we have done our jobs. Mua ha ha.

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  30. You should have given them The House on the Corner.
    :P

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    1. Is that fit for third-graders? I might have thought it was more of a middle school level book. I genuinely don't know. I suck at understanding reading levels.

      Delete
  31. Your story has given me hope....as one of the follicly challenged, all I need to do is find a talking wig and I am all set!

    I was disappointed to find that the first part of the post was not your actual presentation. Stop coddling these kids!

    Larry

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    1. If it makes you feel any better, shortly after the story about the snake and the wig, we told them that 99% of them would fail as writers. We also told them that publishing companies are soulless corporations that only strive to milk you dry of any creativity you even thought of possessing. Forget your story about an astronaut going to space, kid. That's stupid. That's not gonna sell. You want a bestseller? Write mommy porn. And if you can do that and still look your wife in the eyes at the end of the day, then congratulations, you're that 1%. Now ask yourself if it was worth it.

      We figure they're entitled to the truth.

      Delete
  32. Did you get to keep any of them as souvenirs? Because hey, souvenirs.

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    1. Didn't you see that picture with the two on our backs? We just told security those were our backpacks and waddled home. Our plan would have worked, too, but they started complaining about being hungry and that just unraveled everything. WAY too much work.

      Delete
  33. It's guys like you who keep the next generation down, brainwashing them into stupidity and basically teaching them the fundamentals of dumbfuckery. How do you guys live with yourselves?

    All kidding aside, this post is great. Looks like the kids had fun and are now eager to expand their little minds.

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    1. All kidding aside, many of those kids come from very shitty homes with (seemingly) shitty futures, so if we could give any of them hope that being a black writer is NOT stupid and NOT something to be ashamed of in their community, then this whole thing was worth it.

      Delete
    2. Well hope can be found from the oddest of places. Did I just call you odd? Perhaps I did.

      It's great what you guys are doing for those kids!

      Delete
  34. Man, I should have attended your presentation. I could sure use some pointers on how to dispose of a body-- I mean, write a story. :P

    -Barb

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    1. If it's any consolation, they're strikingly similar. Both require you to dig deep, work through the frustration, and then bury any and all traces that it was based on a real person.

      Delete
  35. Replies
    1. Why thank you! Anything we can do to help tiny people that are not ourselves.

      Delete
  36. OMG, you guys are SO cute!! I'm assuming the teachers haven't read your blog? ;)

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    1. Actually, not only are they aware of the blog, they're fans, too. We just promised not to mention it so no one got curious and looked it up. :) And thanks! But compared to those cute little kids, we ain't nuttin' much to look at.

      Delete
    2. You mean on account of your dirty neighbor's daughty and exploding brains? Kids love that stuff. Look at me.

      Delete
  37. Sounds like the snake is just using the wig. I expect there'll be a sequel where their relationship erupts into turmoil as it's revealed that only the snake is benefiting from their supposed friendship.

    But, that's great that you guys were able to meet with the elementary students, and it's refreshing to hear that they fine reading and writing cool. However, I don't know if you guys realize that you may have just expanded your competition. I expect Denver to turn into a battleground of writers because of what you did. Better get started on establishing alliances.

    Also, I finished Lovely Death last week and thoroughly enjoyed it. The ending was epic. Great job, Brandon!

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    1. Thank you! That's awesome (and very flattering) to hear!

      And I'm not worried about those young punks, because we've got 20 years of experience on them. There's no way they can catch up to us at this point. And that will be our advantage when they come for us. Because we will be waiting. And we will be armed (metaphorically and physically) to the teeth.

      Delete
  38. Lol. I bet the kids had a lot of fun.
    Love the new method of teaching. I bet the kids learned lots.

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    1. Scary as it may seem, I bet those kids learned quite a bit from us. About writing, too. ;)

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  39. We never had any writers come to talk to us when I was in elem. school. The only thing I remember learning in English then was everyone being awful at cursive. They tried to scare us by saying that all the papers later in life would only be accepted in cursive. I'm just glad I had no Zs in my name.

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    1. Hey, I remember that too. And now look at us. When's the last time you used cursive for anything that wasn't your signature? And let's face it, signatures don't count either... at least mine doesn't. It just looks like someone had a seizure and fell down holding a pencil.

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  40. Good for the both of you. Kids are like little sponges who absorb everything, even things you don't want them to hear. They should know how important reading is. I hope my grandchildren love to read. It looks like you had fun.

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    1. What's awesome is that these kids already knew how important reading is, and how fun it is. We just reinforced that idea. Our teachers are to thank for that!

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  41. Sounds like everyone had a great time, and learned a lot along the way! I love how you gently encouraged them to have their parents buy your books in the dream sequence! I also would've bought your Curious George Hides A Dead Hooker book! I'm sure The Snake and the Wig was a fun teaching tool to get everyone interested in writing! Cute photos too! An A+ for creativity and presentation! I would've definitely stayed after class to clap the erasers with you guys!

    Julie

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    1. Do kids still clap erasers? It's been a LONG time since I was last in a school, and this one didn't have any chalkboards. Whiteboards - whiteboards are all the rage with the kids these days!

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  42. I almost believed that dead hooker slide. Took me a minute, but I was gonna start a slow clap and everything.

    Congratulations on being excellent human beings. I remember every adult that gave me a good book as a child. I remember the few that told me to keep writing. Little things that make a difference.

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    1. I remember all of that stuff too, and as a kid it meant a lot to me. I hope we were able to do the same kind of thing for those kids.

      And I don't know if we're excellent human beings, but we were sure able to fake it for an afternoon.

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  43. Good for youse guys. I really believe that kids should learn that reading and writing are and can be fun. Who better to show a third grader a good time that the boys from A Beer for the Shower, eh?

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    1. Well, they could have always had someone like James Patterson speak to the kids, but I hear he's too busy shitting out absolutely horrid novels on a monthly basis and making a disgusting amount of money doing it to be concerned with "us peasants."

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  44. Well why the heck did we never have anything that cool when I was in grade school? I bet those kids had so much fun...and actually learned something useful, too! Good job you too crazy boys!

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    1. The only guest speaker we had in elementary school was Ronald McDonald. Yes, it was the 80s, and yes, it was every bit as lame and terrible as you can possibly imagine.

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  45. Good for you! I'll bet you had a blast, and what's more important, the KIDS had a blast.

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    1. Thanks! And amen to that - we're easy to amuse, but we're just glad they ended up enjoying our antics!

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  46. Looks like fun! Kids need to know how to bury dead hookers at an early age; it's important for their futures.

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    1. It's true. Nobody under 18 deserves to have "killed a hooker" on their wrap sheet.

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  47. That is so awesome that you went and talked to the kids. I'm sure they had a great time because you guys are so much fun online, I can't even imagine what you'd be like in person. But fun for sure.

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    1. I'd like to think we're just as fun in person as we are with our blog, in that we've reached this point in our lives where we don't really care what people think, so we just say what amuses us and often it happens to amuse others. Verbal freedom - it's a beautiful thing!

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  48. You sound like the most fun author talk ever!! I wish you would come to my kids' school. I feel like my son would be soooo into your senses of humor!!

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    1. Yeah, we're down with the kids and their lingo. You could say our talk was hella tight. Thanks, Johanna! Stay fly, player!

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  49. Thumbs up for you, fellas! I so enjoyed reading this post, which is weird cause I'm not a fan of kids. It must've been something to talk to two professional talents like yourselves. Great stuff.

    So what about that dead hooker? Anything you'd like to get off your collective chest?

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    1. And we both enjoyed giving that talk, even though we're not a huge fan of kids either. Strange how that works.

      Also, all you need to know is that there's nothing to get off our chests, but since I didn't get my damn "happy ending" she's got about 6 feet of dirt on hers.

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    2. So basically you two were first-rate teachers.... too... ;) 6 feet... I'm impressed....

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    3. 6 feet is the absolute bare minimum to ensure they can't get out when the inevitable zombie apocalypse strikes. We may kill hookers, but at least we're thoughtful for the safety of others.

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  50. I can see why the staff of Maxwell Elementary invited you. You guys are veritable paragons of . . . debauchery? Anarchy? Degeneracy?
    Hmm. On second thought, why did the staff of Maxwell Elementary invite you?
    ;)
    I'm only kidding. (Did ya see what I did there, with the word "kid"ding?
    You guys are awesome, and the kids obviously loved you to bits.

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    1. Don't forget that we're also charlatans and hooligans that dabble in shenanigans. And hey, with a killer pun like that, where were you last week when we could have used you? These are exactly the kind of puns those kids go nuts for.

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  51. What an excellent public service. Teaching the love of writing and how to dispose of hooker bodies is so very important. Bet that was a fun day!

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    1. Just like we have to bury those plot holes for our readers, we also have to bury those hookers so they don't tell their pimps what we did to them.

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  52. Haha - Well, that certainly was entertaining. I am sure the kids loved you guys as you are so damn funny. Kids like humor and it really is the best learning tool when they are young Sometimes, you have to be on their level. I can see by their facial expressions that they were having fun. We need kids to have dreams and active imaginations. The beauty of writing and feeling a story through their own words is inspiring. Well I have to say you guys "rock" and you know we need to keep those creative gateways open. Umm might be a good thing that you didn't give out your blog address even though some kids are smart and can google..lol..I know these kids will remember your visit for a very
    long time.

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    1. Thank you for those kind words. We really do appreciate it. You know, we've talked to adults plenty of times, but kids are a tough audience. If you start to bomb, they will absolutely let you know. It's like doing stand up comedy for 100 tiny hecklers. Long story short, if you can present to kids - and at the end of it, they still like you - you can present to anyone.

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  53. Just noticed that your self-caricatures need to be tweaked. After all, isn't it the objective of every good writer (BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!!!!!) to have an updated picture of one's self? Especially if you're presenting yourself to you peers (i.e. 3rd graders)?

    The Inner Sibling

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    1. Hey, I think our pictures are pretty accurate. And if it's because of Brandon's facial hair, I assure you he grew that on the spot. He's the kind of guy that can shave and then have a 5 'o clock shadow 10 minutes later.

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  54. Sounds like a fun day was had by all! Awesome!

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  55. Ok that was awful nice of you but you failed to do your civic duty.
    Last picture, the kid in the red hoodie. He is turning into a zombie-he shoulda been whacked!

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  56. That was beautiful! Very life-like cartoons as well this week :)

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