You see, this all started when Bryan went to a house warming party last weekend. And his friend's new house, which has 3 spacious bedrooms, a 2 car garage, and a finished basement, also has a bathroom with a huge fucking window right next to the toilet. No blinds. No frosted glass. Just a great big open window, where anyone on the east side of the house can see a person's southern most extremities emptying themselves in plain view.
Because who doesn't want the whole neighborhood watching them drain the lizard or drop the kids off at the pool? Howdy neighbor - nice stream you got there!
Bryan's wife has actually made it a point never to use this toilet, opting instead for urinary sepsis, which seems like the lesser of two evils when faced with the prospect of everyone we know having watched her urinate like the world's worst museum exhibit.
If that was my bathroom, I'd either buy another house or pee in a bucket. Maybe that's just me. Or, I guess, board up the window. There's that too. But regardless, what a terrible design.
And speaking of terrible window designs, how about the living room that faces directly into the evening sun? Because just after dinner, as the sun starts to set and your average American family sits down to watch some TV, who doesn't love getting their retinas scalded by fiery hot sunlight? And forget drawing the blinds. We all know those are practically useless in this situation.
And the only thing worse than having to watch me pee is having to clean up my exploded optic stems.
Another great design fail that I see a lot of in my neighborhood is what I'd like to call Balcony Jr. See, you'll have a gigantic two or three story house, with a balcony on the top level. But there's only one problem - the balcony itself is maybe 3 feet by 3 feet. Just enough for someone to walk out and stand on... and nothing more. What the hell is the point of this balcony? So you can have a one plant garden? So you can sunbathe while standing up? A midget's smoking lounge?
It looks like one of those Disney princess balconies, where they open the door and address their kingdom.
If you can find a better use for a midget balcony than airing out your coin purse, I'd like to hear it.
And lastly, let's not forget a wonderfully awful design that's a part of Brandon's own home - because what's the perfect accompaniment to a beer for the shower? How about a window for the shower? Yes, that's right, you're going to need to take a beer or two with you if you shower in Brandon's bathroom, because there's a nice big window right next to you!
Also featured in this bathroom: incredibly low shower head, because apparently the first homeowner was 4 feet tall. Which makes your shower all the more ridiculous as the entire neighborhood watches you.
Brings new meaning to "neighborhood watch," amirite?
(And okay, in all fairness, the window only leads out to the backyard. But still, the way his dogs look at me as I lather myself... it's uncomfortable)
Also, as an honorable mention: the honeymoon suite that Brandon and his new bride rushed off to post-wedding, which had an open bathroom. And by that we mean no walls, no door, just pure bathroom, leading out into the open bedroom. Because who doesn't want to look out from the comfort of their bed to catch glimpse of their bethrothed taking a massive dump?
(We'll spare you the mental anguish of turning this into a comic and let you just picture that one in your head... you're welcome)
So, did we miss any? What other awful home designs have you guys seen?
Cheers and stay classy, friends,
Beer: Ballast Point Big Eye