Monday, October 13, 2014

(Bath)Room With A View

Between the two of us, we've been inside of (and kicked out of) many homes. And while most of them were reasonably designed, some of them seemed as if they were designed by sadists. Or idiots. Or maybe even idiot sadists. In other words, some had such terrible designs that we've often found ourselves wondering who the hell would build these things and think they'd done a good job?

You see, this all started when Bryan went to a house warming party last weekend. And his friend's new house, which has 3 spacious bedrooms, a 2 car garage, and a finished basement, also has a bathroom with a huge fucking window right next to the toilet. No blinds. No frosted glass. Just a great big open window, where anyone on the east side of the house can see a person's southern most extremities emptying themselves in plain view.


Because who doesn't want the whole neighborhood watching them drain the lizard or drop the kids off at the pool? Howdy neighbor - nice stream you got there!

Bryan's wife has actually made it a point never to use this toilet, opting instead for urinary sepsis, which seems like the lesser of two evils when faced with the prospect of everyone we know having watched her urinate like the world's worst museum exhibit.


If that was my bathroom, I'd either buy another house or pee in a bucket. Maybe that's just me. Or, I guess, board up the window. There's that too. But regardless, what a terrible design.

And speaking of terrible window designs, how about the living room that faces directly into the evening sun? Because just after dinner, as the sun starts to set and your average American family sits down to watch some TV, who doesn't love getting their retinas scalded by fiery hot sunlight? And forget drawing the blinds. We all know those are practically useless in this situation.


 


And the only thing worse than having to watch me pee is having to clean up my exploded optic stems.

Another great design fail that I see a lot of in my neighborhood is what I'd like to call Balcony Jr. See, you'll have a gigantic two or three story house, with a balcony on the top level. But there's only one problem - the balcony itself is maybe 3 feet by 3 feet. Just enough for someone to walk out and stand on... and nothing more. What the hell is the point of this balcony? So you can have a one plant garden? So you can sunbathe while standing up? A midget's smoking lounge?

It looks like one of those Disney princess balconies, where they open the door and address their kingdom.






If you can find a better use for a midget balcony than airing out your coin purse, I'd like to hear it.

And lastly, let's not forget a wonderfully awful design that's a part of Brandon's own home - because what's the perfect accompaniment to a beer for the shower? How about a window for the shower? Yes, that's right, you're going to need to take a beer or two with you if you shower in Brandon's bathroom, because there's a nice big window right next to you!

Also featured in this bathroom: incredibly low shower head, because apparently the first homeowner was 4 feet tall. Which makes your shower all the more ridiculous as the entire neighborhood watches you.




Brings new meaning to "neighborhood watch," amirite?

(And okay, in all fairness, the window only leads out to the backyard. But still, the way his dogs look at me as I lather myself... it's uncomfortable)

Also, as an honorable mention: the honeymoon suite that Brandon and his new bride rushed off to post-wedding, which had an open bathroom. And by that we mean no walls, no door, just pure bathroom, leading out into the open bedroom. Because who doesn't want to look out from the comfort of their bed to catch glimpse of their bethrothed taking a massive dump?

(We'll spare you the mental anguish of turning this into a comic and let you just picture that one in your head... you're welcome)

So, did we miss any? What other awful home designs have you guys seen?

Cheers and stay classy, friends,
B&B

Music: Seekae
Beer: Ballast Point Big Eye

95 comments:

  1. There's nothing wrong with a window in the bathroom. I find that it helps me expunge that massive grumper if I can make uncomfortable eye contact with unsuspecting passerbys.
    Low shower heads, however, are the bane of my existence. It's why I invested in a detachable shower head that I've brought with me to a dozen apartments and current house.
    The worst design flaw I've seen is in this one house where they attached the drug room to the living room. Can you believe that? The drug room is always supposed to be connected with the kitchen, that's just common sense.

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    1. Not only did my parent's old house have a window in the bathroom, but that window led directly to our NEIGHBOR'S bathroom window. Meaning sometimes, while peeing, we would awkwardly lock eyes. Eventually my parents got a window with frosted glass. Why they didn't do that to begin with is beyond me.

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    2. Also, if you think the drug room connected to the living room is bad, you should see the trendy villa trying to pass off a "walk in drug closet."

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  2. I'm glad we don't have a window in our shower.
    Around here, there are a lot of houses with stairs leading up to what looks like the second floor but it's just unfinished attic space. Like the builder got to the second floor and just called it quits. What's up with that?

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    1. That sounds like a terrible design. "Cool, you guys have a second level! What's up here? Oh... just darkness and spiders and a lot of asbestos. Awesome."

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  3. I have a window in my bathroom too, but its high enough that people can't see me. A big design flaw in my house is that it was built in 1950 so there is no laundry room. The washing machine is in a little alcove off the kitchen, but the dryer is in the hall closet. They are only a few steps away, but still very weird.

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    1. A separate washer and dryer? That just seems so wrong. My parents' house is setup the same way, with a washer in the little kitchen alcove, but they opted to remain 1950s style and use clotheslines.

      Also, let's be real - is the shower window really that tall, or can you get away with it because of your height?

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    2. hahaha you have me there. I started to say maybe for an average height person its a problem.

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  4. I was here for the lesbian grandpa, but alas, it was a lie just to draw me in.

    As far as houses go (since we seem to be talking about houses way more than lesbian grandpas today), my general rule is the fewer windows the better. I don't want to see you and you don't want to see me. Leave me alone and I'll leave you alone. If I want to see what it looks like outside, I will actually go outside.... which I probably won't do, because I don't care.

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    1. You know how we are with the clickbait. The lesbian grandpa, btw, is the old guy cat calling me in the shower. I didn't say he was a good lesbian grandpa, just that he is one.

      Also, a very firm yes. I don't know what it is with the suburbanites of this neighborhood, but all of the houses around here have gigantic bay windows, and the people always leave them wide open, blinds raised for the world to see. Just walk by and you can see their entire house, complete with dad in his underwear watching football and mom surfing mommy porn on the computer. What the hell is wrong with these people? I don't want anyone to see me in my home. It's been so long since I've raised my blinds that the last time I did I got a sun blister.

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  5. Even though my bathroom is on the second floor it has frosted windows. I'm not entirely sure who's going to look through on the second floor. My neighbour isn't so lucky because their bathroom window is right next to my bedroom window, which actually probably makes me more uncomfortable than them. I can't remember the last time I saw a really terrible design though. Outside of that window placement my house is pretty well put together.

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    1. See, frosted glass in the bathroom is one thing. I can only see an amorphous blob somewhat resembling a person. Maybe. But when I can see that same person in stunning 1080p HD clarity dropping a deuce... and we make eye contact... well, that's not cool.

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  6. Well done with the neighborhood watch patrol graphics - very funny.

    Where was this honeymoon suite? Tijuana? Compton? Jersey? I can imagine the designers having a lot of fun imagining couples putting their relationships to the test that way. But I really can't imagine it.

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    1. Of all places it was in Estes Park, Colorado - that beautiful mountainous village that The Stanley Hotel (The Shining) calls home. It's supposed to be a very romantic bed and breakfast... and what's not romantic about watching your loved one poop?

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    2. That makes it even more hilarious and bizarre: home of the Shining, beautiful, tourist-y Estes Park, CO. I assumed it was some third world country.

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  7. Well if it makes you feel any better my family and I once had to shower in the rain. Just out in the wide open with no barriers, lathering away in our yard....in a heavily populated area.

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    1. And somewhere, in a back alley, is a video tape of this shower being sold for $2.99.

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    2. $2.99....that's it? Come on now, give me more credit than that! I'm worth at least $7.25!

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    3. I didn't say it wasn't a great deal! $7.25 worth of entertainment for $2.99. Where else can you get that kind of illegal, back alley value?

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  8. your descriptive anecdotes remind me of the Jason Sudekis SNL skit for a product that will improve a man's "flow" into a "thick ropey stream".

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    1. You mean how with Urigro you can see results like a thicker stream, less spray, and more froth? If I keep using my friend's bathroom, I may need to invest in this. At least they can admire my stream.

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  9. That kind of 'design' always cracks me up. I feel like those were designed by architects who were abused as children and not-so-secretly just really hate all people.
    My sister's new house has an OPEN bathroom in the basement, as in a prison toilet out in the open of a huge one-room basement.
    She also has a midget smoking lounge, however HERS is big enough for TWO people to stand, and possibly sit but I'm not sure there is enough room for 2 chairs. But she could stand there, air out her man cave and watch over her empire: The front yard of a single family home. She has a lot of squirrels, though, so maybe it's a squirrel-watching crow's nest of sorts.

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    1. A squirrel-watching crow's nest... I didn't even consider that. Also, you get +10 points for using the term "man cave" to describe an aired out vagina. That's just all kinds of awesome.

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  10. Honestly, I gotta also wonder what's wrong with the people living in the "housewarming" house. I mean, OK, maybe the design (a window next to a toilet) wasn't their idea but... it hasn't occurred to them to hang blinds or curtains there? Methinx they're secretly exhibitionists. (Me also thinx they probably have a small camera hidden in the bathroom that films their guests using the john.)

    Our bathroom connected to the master bedroom has a door that leads to the backyard and there's a window in the door. BUT... there's a free-standing wall that divides the john and shower from the window. AND... years ago I hung a Los Angeles Dodgers "Five Straight Rookies Of The Year" beach towel over that window in the door. Yeah, I'm a real classy bloke. (In case you're curious, the boast on the beach towel dates it back to 1996.)

    OK, onto the main event...

    The 'Big Eye' bottle was easy (plus you even outed it at the end, but I'd already identified it). The two cans are a bit more difficult. The one Brandon's holding could be a Colorojo Imperial Red Ale. (At any rate, it looks like a Colorado native brewski that you once sent to meski.) And the one you are holding, Bryan, sure looks to me like a Hop Knot, but... but... but... r u able to get Hop Knot out there now at the big, Big liquor store?

    As for exploding eyeballs, here in Phuckin' Phoenix we have a lot of issues with that, as you can imagine. In my house, we generally serve them as our own secret deviled egg recipe and we receive lots of compliments about 'em.

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground'

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    1. Yeah, we even mentioned the open window to these people and they just laughed and said, "Oh we don't care, no one can see us anyway! Why waste money on blinds? It's not like people are just lining up to stare into our bathroom."

      Yeah... keep pissing with the window open, and maybe you WILL attract a line... but of the wrong kind of people.

      Oh, and yes, that is a Hop Knot, but merely wishful thinking since I'm getting my eyeballs all kinds of esploded. You know, because I too am a classy bloke like that.

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  11. We've moved a lot and lived in a lot of houses. I think I've seen all these! The worst bathroom window placement I've ever seen was a huge clear glass picture window in a second story bathroom that looked down into the neighbor's equally large kitchen window. Talk about an appetite suppressant.

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    1. Ha! That's fantastic. My parents' house actually has a second story bathroom, with a window that looks directly into the neighbor's second story bathroom. So come in at the right time of day and you can awkwardly make eye contact with the neighbor as you're both doing your business.

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  12. Our problem is the new windows that have been installed in our bedrooms. In the first place we can only unlock one because the top lock is so high you have to climb on something (well we do) to unlock it - it self locks by the way. Then, when you have risked your neck to get it open, it doesn't open more than 2 inches - we are on the 5th floor don't you know - if we want to jump off we just have to go out of the living room onto the balcony (proper size) and climb over the wall.

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    1. That is hilariously awful. I love the visual image of that. In my bedroom, we can open our windows just fine. But they're so tall, and they open so high, that the only way you can close them is by grabbing a ladder, since you have to unlock them from the top. Needless to say, we don't open our windows a lot...

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  13. lol yeah those balconies are soooo pointless. But I'd take those over a window that lets everyone see you go. Maybe the builder was trying to make a human litterbox, where all could see?

    Stupidest thing in my current apartment is the light switch is a good 20 feet from the door. So you come in and its dark, you pretty much have to stumble around until you get to it. Idiots neever even put a plug near the door for a lamp. Moron developer here. Then my grandmother has a throne toilet. The thing has like 5 stairs leading up to the toilet. You try to stand and take a leak, you're head hits the ceiling. so you have to maneuver things so you are ducking and high enough not to miss. Then if you sit down, the first step is close to the toilet so your legs can't reach it, and the steps are pretty tall, so your legs are left dangling, unless you have ostrich legs or something, as they can't reach the next step, or you have to yank them in so they get seat on the top step, just barely. Easier to go outside in the bushes lol

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    1. Wow, I think you win so far for most awful design! I'm not sure which is worse, stumbling in the pitch black darkness with your phone flashlight just trying to find a light switch, or the literal throne, because who doesn't love the combination of stairs and a toilet?

      Me, I'm just bad with stairs. I always trip. So I'd be paranoid about face planting into the toilet, which is simultaneously the most hilarious and embarrassing way to kill yourself.

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  14. Maybe they need to install a one way mirror?

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    1. Hmmm, I'm not sure which is worse; others having to watch me pee, or me watching myself pee. That's not something I've ever seen, and frankly, I'm okay with that.

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  15. Your friends could solve several of those problems. I would put a frosted window in the bathroom. All bathrooms should have frosted windows. Just sayin'. And ditch those blinds for curtains. We have curtains everywhere except my bedroom. And it came with nice blinds. The big slatted wooden ones. Plus that room is on the back of the house and get maybe 30 minutes of direct sunlight every day.

    When we bought this house the laundry room was in the garage. Yeah, that is fabulous in Florida. The temp in the garage hovers around 130 in the summer. (I don't know that for a fact, I just know it was HOT.) So, we hired a contractor to put up a wall blocking that off from the garage and cut a door into the wall in the kitchen. So, now we can walk through the kitchen into the laundry room. And it is no longer part of the garage.

    I have zero ideas about the Whys and Wherefores of the useless balcony. People are dumb. That is my expert opinion;)

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    1. Expert opinion accepted! It just so happens that in my expert opinion, I concur.

      As mentioned above, these people just really don't care. No frosted glass. No blinds. No shame. They just really think people aren't looking. And while it's true, people aren't seeking out your house to watch you pee, nothing's more awkward than taking a walk through the neighborhood and having to randomly see this. I should know. I'VE SEEN THIS.

      The wife and I take walks a lot, and as mentioned to Katy, the people around here seem to just love to have their windows open and their blinds all raised across the entire house, so as you walk by you can see EVERYTHING that's going on inside. Some dude watching cartoons in his underwear. Someone taking a leak. The best was when we walked by a huge open bay window and there was some woman, changing her clothes right in front of us. She saw us, screamed, flipped us off, and then ran. And since the window was open (like the mature adult I am) I yelled, "No, fuck YOU, you're the idiot changing with your window open!" To which my wife, because she is also a mature adult, added, "No one wants to see it! Lock it away, swallow the key, and never let it out!"

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  16. Wow. A window right next to the toilet? That's...oh so special. I've got a story that's almost as bad.

    Our first house was a little old rambler in a little old neighborhood that was owned by a little old grandma with...well...unfortunate taste in decor. The carpet was this horrific mauve color, and I cannot tell you how many layers and layers and LAYERS of wallpaper we had to remove. It was like going back through time, all the way to whatever decade it was when it was cool to have wallpaper that had gold embellished with....wait for it...black velvet! Oh yes. Classy, classy stuff.

    Anyway, in this house was a bathroom, (thank goodness, right?). In that bathroom was a toilet, a sink and a shower. Directly across from the aforementioned toilet was a wall. Of mirrors. Those 12 X 12, tile-type mirrors with gold marbling running through them. The. Entire. Wall. Was. Made. Of. Mirrors. So there you would be, sitting on the toilet, and every single time you were confronted with your own worst possible vision of yourself. With gold marbling.

    Needless to say, that wall was one of the first things to be fixed in that house. And we didn't miss it.

    Oh, and also, the closet doors in the main bedroom were just two sliding, full-length mirrors. And there were tile mirrors lining the walls of the front room as well. Basically, as my dad so eloquently put it: "This lady never met a mirror she didn't like." There's a limit, people!

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    1. Wow, that is hilariously terrible. I love it. There are many things I'm okay without having seen myself do, and "seeing my face turn red as I strain" is definitely on that list.

      My parents' house, when they first moved into it, was in that same vein of terrible (though not nearly as bad). My room had neon blue shag carpeting that looked like someone skinned Cookie Monster, with yellowish gold (turned brown by age) wallpaper. The outside of the house was puke green, and the basement has a 6 foot ceiling, meaning that most people have to duck down there unless you want to eat ceiling. Also, don't even think about raising your arms.

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    2. Is there a photo of this carpet? Because that would be freaking hilarious. Yeah, some houses you walk into and just have to think "Really? People CHOSE this?" If walls could talk, right?

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    3. This was in 1994, so unfortunately no photos. But it looked remarkably like this.

      Blue shag rug

      And yes, it was that long and unkempt. I remember sitting on it as a kid, running my hands over it, thinking that it felt like petting a very ugly, poorly cared for dog.

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    4. Gah! I can't even imagine an entire floor with carpet like that! Sounds like a winner to me. :)

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  17. These are likely the 'build it yourself variety' to give those 'bad designers on tv reality shows' something to remake. I assume one of their buddies builds them to keep all the designers employed. Aren't designers and chefs a dime a dozen now? They couldn't all be at the top of their class, some scraped by with 50%.

    Windows can be covered with heavy drapes or curtains for the worst offenders as many people don't know how much can be seen through privacy blinds if they're turned the wrong way. Not saying how I know this. . .just sayin'.

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    1. Oh yes, I know the feeling. Just look at the comment I gave to Robin a few comments up. I've seen more of my neighbors than I've seen of some of my closest personal friends because of sloppy blind-work. In this house, we swear by drapes. The thicker, the better. Like, not even X-rays can get through.

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  18. I think you could do a lot with a balcony like that. Like you could stand on it and yell "Romeo, Romeo, wherefore art thou Romeo?" Every single night, at the same time, as loud as you could. The neighbours would love it. Or, you could stand below the balcony and shout up to Rapunzel to let down her golden hair.
    See. Tiny balconies can be useful.
    The window next to the toilet, not so much.

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    1. Ooh, see, I like that. If that's the case, I'd probably dress up as Rapunzel, get a really, really long wig, and see if I could get any princes to climb my braid. But once they reached me, instead of being rewarded with a princess's grateful kiss, I would forcefully feed them to the 10 foot tall spider lurking in the shadows behind me.

      ...My creativity is a bit darker than yours, I think. Sorry.

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  19. I've seen a lot of strange designs. I remember one house I visited that had a triangular half-bathroom (why?). It was very close to the front door, so you could walk in and say right away, I need to take a shit. That bathroom had more magazines in it than I've ever seen in any other bathroom. It had a raised area in the floor right next to the toilet. The magazines were stacked there. I suppose those people spent a lot of time in the bathroom. Oh! It just occurred to me that maybe they used the magazines if they ran out of toilet paper.

    Love,
    Janie

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    1. If someone needs that many magazines just to take a proper shit, I'd start questioning their diet. Taking 2 hours to evacuate your bowels is neither healthy nor productive. Besides, how much Martha Stewart can one person take???

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  20. Outdoor light coming into a bathroom? Great idea. Picture window next to the commode? Not so great. Years ago, my grandmother's bathroom had a window next to the pot, but it was etched glass, and frosted. No problem.

    My uncle owned a cabin in the woods when I was a kid. A great place to vacation. It stood on a hill above the Susquehanna River. No indoor plumbing, though, so it had an outhouse. My father and uncle thought it'd be cool to put in a huge picture window in there. It certainly beat the pitch blackness we'd endured in there before they put it in, but it was pretty surreal to be in there and look down at the people passing by in their boats.

    Worse design I've heard of recently was at a hotel. They had a lovely little "balcony" off the bedroom, but it was so narrow, being out there was like standing on a ledge.

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    1. A hotel with an actual balcony? I thought most scrapped those since a lot of people commit suicide that way. And hey, there we go, we just found a use for the tiny balcony - suicide.

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  21. *Those tiny balconies!* I see them here and there, and it absolutely blows my mind people thought this was a good idea, especially if your house is way wider than three feet. They're almost on par with those "there's some bars behind this "balcony door" in your living room, so you can turn your room into a balcony" things. This shit.

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    1. Yeah it's just amazing to me that in this neighborhood you'll see houses like this, that are incredibly wide and spacious, and yet the balcony is squished into this little tiny box in the middle. Why?

      Meanwhile, my dinky townhouse has a balcony that allows for a huge grill, a small table, four chairs, and multiple plants. Explain that.

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  22. ABFS:
    ROFLMAO...I can so relate to this.
    I used to take architectural drafting in high school...and NEVER did I place a window in ANY bathroom of any house I designed!
    Who in their right mind would do such a thing?
    Granted, we DO have a powder room upstairs, but the window overlooks our roof (and is a really small window WITH a curtain), plus there are trees in the area, so no worries there.
    Those "mini balconies remind me of the days in a Catholic church, hearing the sermon come from that AMBO (mini balcony).

    Any house that has that should ONLY be lived in by some bloody BISHOP or CARDINAL...!
    (at least he'd feel at "home".) And the neighbors could get a free homily now and then.
    Low shower heads...only for the "wee people".
    We lucked out with out house (the Fortress)...because the living room windows face the EAS (and north), and the family room has NO west-facing windows (south-facing patio door)...
    But when we sit down to eat, we have to close the curtains (no blinds)...THAT keeps the retina from burning out.

    Excellent post about homes and the problems encountered.

    Stay safe out there.

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    1. Oh yes, the bishop delivering a sermon! I completely forgot about that one. You know what else I forgot? It's the ideal place to recreate Michael Jackson dangling his baby over a balcony ledge.

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  23. The blinds, they do nothing. If only we had some goggles…

    Not really a house design story but I recall in my last home I had my desk and chair just below an attic door with a flimsy looking lock, attached to heavy built-in ladder which extended by itself. I sat there below that deathtrap for five years and never replaced the lock because I like to live on the edge. That particular sword of Damocles has probably decapitated the new owner by now.

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    1. If anything, that's good inspiration to write. Hurry up and punch out that novel... because it could BE YOUR LAST.

      Also, I'm just gonna leave this here.

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  24. Laurie's late father had a fusebox in his shower. No, that's not the reason he's late. I suspect that, while the fusebox was functional, the shower was likely unused.

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    1. "Man, why do I keep blowing fuses? It's like they can't handle soapy water."

      Also, that reminds me, when Brandon lived in Chicago the gas meter was located physically inside of his apartment. One time it had a leak, and the whole place just reeked of gas. Brilliant setup, right?

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  25. When I was 12 I lived with my grandma for a while and her shower had that window in it. it was frosted but after using the shower for a few weeks a neighbor boy and his mother tells my grandma that they can see us showering. How nice...She nailed a shower curtain over the window. lol

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    1. Wait, so you can still see people through frosted glass? My parents have a bathroom with frosted glass, and I've showered there and walked around that bathroom in the buff SO. MANY. TIMES.

      ...Well, I hope the neighbors enjoyed the show. :(

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  26. When we first bought our house, the basement (now an all-out man cave), was unfinished. In the middle of the room, surrounded by absolutely nothing . . . there was a square block of concrete . . . with a toilet. Talk about a throne on a pedestal o_0.

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    1. Sounds like the ultimate game room! Throw a pool table, a big screen TV, and some video game systems in there! Then, when you or your man need to pee, who needs to be bothered by things like walls and doors when your porcelain chariot awaits?

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  27. Balconies in general are kind of silly. I have a decent sized balcony that has a wonderful view of my neighbor's back yards.

    Kind of made it awkward when I was out on it and the neighbor's wife was sunbathing....or the other neighbor's dog was licking himself.

    I miss the row houses in the Philly suburbs where I grew up-space was limited but used wisely, not to mention that since the closets in the whole house had less space than the average walk-in closet in a new home, you accumulated far less crap.

    Larry

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    1. The whole balcony part of this post started when the wife and I were walking around the neighborhood pointing out awful designs, and an honorable mention was the two balconies in the backyard facing each other. Who the hell wants to step out onto their balcony just to come face to face with your neighbor out on theirs?

      Even with side by side balconies on my townhome, it's very awkward when I go sit outside to write in my garden and the 45 year old neighbor lady comes out to hers in the tiniest bikini imaginable so she can sunbathe. That's an instant way to get me to retreat inside... kinda like my penis does at the sight.

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  28. My friends have a huge window next to their toilet, too and it looks out onto the street. When I've mentioned being uncomfortable, she said, 'but no one can see in!' Um, yes. Yes, they can actually. Because it's a big, clear window! With my luck, I'll be using the throne when the Google earth van drives by one day.

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    1. Our friends have the same mentality, that no one can see them so it's FIIIIIINE. Maybe we need to have their 8 year old kid teach them about 3rd grade level science, in which it's been proven that people can see through glass because it's clear.

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  29. We had a window on the shower wall many years ago. When it was remodeled, we got rid of it. You couldn't really see in, or even out, but I hated that window.

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    1. I think it's just the principle. Sure, even if it's a tiny window, and it's on the very top of the shower, and it's in your backyard, it's still the idea that someone could come walking by, look down, and pull a Ned Flanders.

      "Howdy neighbor! I can see your doodle!"

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  30. How about the balcony that doesn't have a door that lets out onto it, and you have to climb out the window? I see a lot of those around here. Is that like a "decorative" balcony or something?

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    1. I... didn't even know that was a thing. I think that trumps Balcony Jr by a mile. At least you can stand on that.

      Hmmm, things you can use a decorative balcony for:
      1) Bird poop collector
      2) World's largest salsa bowl
      3) Parkour practice

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  31. My wife knows quite a bit about architecture and could probably write you a book about design flaws in homes. Generally speaking, though, her answer to them is that a man designed them.
    Unfortunately, that's probably the truth.

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    1. You won't hear any argument here. I can't imagine a woman ever thinking, "I know, let's a put a window right next to the shower!" or "let's put a window by the toilet!"

      Delete
  32. OMG, I am trying not to wake up Mr. RK laughing!!! Holy fucking shit. I mean - first of all, the bathroom. BLINDS, people! The honeymoon suite - what the fuck?! The tiny balcony...well, I guess you could pee from it, rather than flashing your neighbors in the bathroom. I mean, why not show the world your manhood?

    I can't begin to come up with weirder shit than this. I mean, just can't.

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    1. Yeah, our friends don't believe in blinds. Which is funny, because if someone ran up to them on the street and pulled their pants down, I'm sure they'd be furious. But when they do it themselves in front of an open window it's totally cool.

      EXPLAIN THAT.

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  33. I HATE hate hate it when bathrooms don't have blinds on their windows. Boyfriend's place is like that for the upstairs bathroom. At night, you must be able to see EVERYTHING. No me gusto.

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    1. Yeah, and according to another commenter, not even frosted glass is safe. The only clear solution, then, is boarding up the window and lining the walls with steel.

      Delete
  34. Now wait up, I was with you until you mentioned the shower window. It's nice to have a scrub down with a view as long as the window is above the chest. If someone wants to watch me scrub my upper head, all the power to them.

    My car port is just 2 feet wider than my car. That just barely tops an open bathroom.

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    1. Yeah, but this shower is located in a basement, meaning that a chest up window doesn't exactly allow for much in the way of hiding yourself.

      Speaking of garages, my garage is theoretically huge. I say theoretically, because it's full of gigantic concrete pillars that stop someone from ramming into their own house, and because of it, we can barely shoehorn our 2 cars in there. Thanks for protecting us from ourselves, house!

      Delete
  35. "And the only thing worse than having to watch me pee is having to clean up my exploded optic stems." <-------Dyyyyying…

    "Amirite" <---Ha.

    I love how the beam of light is still there at the end.

    And nothing better than the cameos by Bryan's wife. ;)

    You guys know all I ever do when I come here is laugh like crazy and then praise you and pretty much not offer any intelligent to say. So… I hope you're okay with that. :)

    ReplyDelete
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    1. And that's all we could ever ask of you. Though, in all fairness, I'd say your comments are pretty intelligent. If you don't believe me, just look at this comment. Or don't. Especially if you're eating.

      Delete
  36. Hahaha...so funny! I love visiting here!

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    1. Beats a punch in the face, I suppose. Glad to hear it. :)

      Delete
  37. Go grab a beer, this comment may be a bit longwinded with a touch of bitchiness.

    My friend's bathroom has a gigantic widow above her garden tub. Which sounds nice because it's above it but the problem is the shower that sits directly across from it…right next to the toilet. So, her neighbors just need to look out their bedroom window to watch us pee or take a shower. And, she's the one who designed it! I guess I could have peed in the garden tub…

    My MIL has a window in her shower. Like Brandon's it overlooks the backyard. It should be no big deal but my MIL put the picnic table under the window so while you shower, you have to worry the whole family is able to see you while they sit outside and smoke…oh, and there's that too. Nothing like taking a shower only to smell like smoke when you get out.

    Okay, rant over…I'm going to take a shower in my bathroom where the window is high above the toilet and away from the shower. Unless my next door neighbor peeks out his second story window while I'm drying off….

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    1. Holy crap, I think your comment wins hands down for worst bathroom window design ever. I don't think anyone else can top smelling like an ash tray and getting cancer from second hand smoke... all while being watched.

      Someone should slap a warning label on that shower, like they do on a cigarette pack: "SURGEON GENERAL'S WARNING: THIS SHOWER MAY CAUSE CANCER, HEART DISEASE, EMPHYSEMA, AND MAY TERMINATE A PREGNANCY."

      Delete
  38. I'm in the process of moving currently (which is the excuse I'm sticking to as to why my blog's dead). Also, I've only stayed at my current home for little over a year. I've probably viewed 60 homes in the span of a year and a half, and I've encountered all sorts of places with odd layouts. However, my favorites were the foreclosures where the previous owner went on a hate-fueled rampage throughout the home, destroying everything they could. Maybe that'll be the topic of my next blog post.

    But, it's amazing how many homes have bathroom windows in the most inconvenient places. So many ground-unit condos have bathroom windows adjacent to walking paths.

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    1. And should you write this post on hate-filled foreclosure destruction, we would eagerly read it.

      That's the way the bathrooms are around here. Which makes taking walks oh so interesting, because it doesn't take long before someone (usually me) says, "Oh look, there's a person peeing. And it's especially weird that I can see them but they sure don't seem to notice me."

      Delete
  39. I don't know why they didn't bother to put a shade over the window, and the open bathroom in the honeymoon suite was absolutely absurd. This is even worse than when I swore off public bathrooms in grammar school, after I was terrorized from some girls who climbed over to peek into the other stalls. Never again!

    Julie

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    1. Public bathrooms are a nightmare all on their own, but bathrooms with windows in them make me wonder how someone could have that and still feel comfortable/private in their own restroom.

      Delete
  40. So, I'm late to the party - what else is new. I'm really sorry I missed that Section 8 post. I had about a three page comment in mind. Subsidized housing for the...ahem poor...ne of my favorite things. Probably for the best I was under the weather.

    Some people just can't seem to help themselves with their exhibitionist ways, but in the bathroom - seriously? I don't want to see you go tinkle, or anything else for that matter. YIKES! If you're so bored when your just sitting there, take a book or magazine and stop scaring the neighbors. Unless you live so far out in the country, please cover it up, cover it all up.

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    1. Not just that, but subsidized housing for the poor that you can literally put anywhere... even in a (once) nice, quiet neighborhood. We'll just leave it at that.

      Unfortunately, these friends are not exhibitionists. They're just naive boneheads that think no one is watching. Well, if they aren't now, they will be soon enough.

      Delete
  41. Yeah, the window by the toilet is a bit weird with no privacy. My hubby and I will be looking for a house next year. We want a house in the middle of 5 acres. We want the privacy. I hate neighbors who can reach into your window from their house.

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    1. You know, when I was young I loved my neighbors. Now, the older I get, the more I just want to live in the middle of nowhere next to no one. Grumpy old man, here I come!

      Delete
  42. My apartment as my roommate's bedroom attached to the kitchen, plus his bathroom as a door to the kitchen and to his bedroom. I don't understand bathrooms with two doors. I've used them before and usually, only one had a lock. It led for awkward times.

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    1. Ooh, yes, I'm surprised nobody else mentioned the bathroom with 2 doors sooner. I had completely forgotten about that one. What a horrible design. I mean, as if I already wasn't paranoid of a stranger bursting in on me during a bathroom visit, now I have to heavily guard BOTH doors and pray I don't get a surprise double visit - because like you said, of course one (or sometimes both) don't lock. Brilliant!

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  43. Apparently if you have a window in the bathroom you don't need an exhaust fan... In Canada anyway... But who opens the window while they're showering?? In Canada anyway.

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  44. My wife is like 2 feet 3 inches tall. So I installed a double shower head. One high and one low. The dogs like the low one too! Win Win!

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  45. I WAS TOLD THERE WAS GOING TO BE A DONKEY SHOW.

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