Monday, September 8, 2014

Men: Packing with a Purpose

As men, we give our women plenty of shit for packing their entire lives away for a simple weekend getaway.




Naturally, there's only one answer to that question that doesn't end with a punch to the testicles. But see, while women may have a propensity for packing ungodly amounts of things for an evening at the local Holiday Inn, we men know the value of packing light. Just look at our camping trip last weekend.

We, as efficient travelers, only brought the bare essentials. And a quick check list before we left confirmed that.









Okay, okay, so we take a FEW things with us when we go camping. But we'd just rather be over-prepared than under-prepared, because you never know what might happen in the wild. And you ladies reading this, thinking "So how is that different from me packing ten suitcases full of high heels?" well, we'll tell you why it's not the same thing.

You see, we NEED these things. Because without them, well, camping sucks.





You know what camping without ice cold beer, freshly grilled burgers, warm blankets, and hot coffee in the morning is? It's a bunch of dudes sitting on rocks, staring at the ground, freezing their balls off, forced to (ugh) talk to each other. Sober.

So say what you will, ladies, but when a man packs to go camping, he's just taking what he needs. And the next time you pack for your own trip, well, you could learn a little something from us. Because we're all about efficiency.

Now if you'll excuse us, this camping trip of ours is almost up, and we need to post this blog entry via our wi-fi hotspot before our portable cappuccino maker is finished frothing and our electric pancake griddle finally heats up.

Cheers and stay classy, folks,
B&B

Beer: Lagunita's Little Sumpin' Sumpin' Ale
Music: The Pigeon Detectives

P.S. Those of you looking for our Sunflowers for Tina post, that entry follows this one.



89 comments:

  1. I like the way you camp. Not that I go camping. Bugs. Enough said. Safe to say my idea of camping is a three star hotel.

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    1. I don't know, my gigantic tent with inflatable mattress, thermal sleeping bag, and an army of blankets is probably nicer - and roomier - than most Holidays Inn rooms. But that isn't saying much.

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  2. I went camping 1 with my ex (and this trip had a lot to do with him being an ex husband) and his survivalist friends. I don't think I could pack enough stuff to make camping pleasurable.

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    1. We have some survivalist friends, too, so we know that feel.

      "Hey man, I know we're going camping overnight in a public campground, but you gotta be prepared. You just don't ever know when you're going to need a battery operated skinning machine, a river water filtration system, and 18 shotguns."

      Delete
  3. I went on a canoe day-trip once with a bunch of gay men. When we stopped for lunch on the riverbank, they produced -- out of NOWHERE -- an elegant picnic blanket, gourmet eats of all descriptions and wine in crystal wine glasses. Fuckin CRYSTAL.

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    1. Crystal?? I don't use that INSIDE buildings! Debra they have a new word for that kind of thing now:
      Glamping.
      Glamorous camping. It looks like a lot of work though, my regular life isn't glamorous so I could never pull that off!

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    2. I love how this ridiculous need to bring everything affects all men, even gay men, just in a slightly different way.

      "Hey man, without brie, salted caramel cupcakes, and some good pinot, canoeing's just paddling around a lake in circles for 4 hours."

      Delete
  4. lol yeah 50 pairs of high heels is sure not needed. But then again all of your stuff is "surely" needed, yet you are essentially packing the house to make a house in the woods for a weekend, when you could forgo the packing, forgo the woods, forgo the time it takes to get there and just stay in your house with all the stuff you are taking from your house to go make a new house in the woods for a few days, before destroying your house in the woods and bringing the stuff back to your house to make it a house again. So which one is more ridiculous? Hmmmm

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    1. Yep, pretty much nailed it. As my wife once (so harshly) said, "You know you guys are just basically going away to play house in the mountains."

      She's... not wrong.

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  5. The line about posting this on the camping trip was gold.

    That being said, I can pack anything I need to pack for anything in a small grocery bag. Live light, man. When the zombie apocalypse comes, you're not going to be able to haul around a dozen suitcases... unless you can manage to pull the teeth of a few zombie slaves and teach them how to carry bags.

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    1. Hey, according to Michonne on The Walking Dead, all you have to do is remove their teeth, put chains on their necks, and walk in the middle of them. They'll suddenly stop trying to kill you, will carry anything you want, and you can walk freely among other zombies, too, because that somehow means that the others can't detect you.

      Don't ask me, man, it's just basic science.

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  6. In defense of women, kind of, we have a lot more steps in our Getting Ready than just hosing off and putting the same old T-shirt back on. After going back and forth between 2 houses when I lived in glorious sin w/my now husband, I learned about necessities. And copying men's habit of only needing 2 pair of shoes: Dressy, Other. It's liberating.
    Camping? No thanks. I filed that under "Things Only Young & Poor People Do" years ago. I'm sure you kids had fun w/your method though.

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    1. Uh oh, only "young and poor people?" Well, thanks for adding "kids" to the tail end of that.

      You bring up an awesome point, because for all of the stuff we bring to make camping tolerable, we each maybe bring an extra pair of pants, you know, in case the one you're wearing gets muddy. And that's it. Because that's about all the wardrobe change we need.

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  7. I've never been camping but I have recently come back from holiday. I had one bag that I use as my gym bag, and managed to pack a week's worth of clothes in there. My nieces took two or three times more things than me. They took so much stuff they had to take a seperate bus because the car was full with their stuff.

    I still didn't use all the clothes in my bag. Not to say anything bad about her, but my girlfriend took about as many clothes as I did when she went away for a few days. I really don't understand it. I guess it's just one of those fundamental differences between men and women we refuse to accept exist in case we're thought of as sexist.

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    1. Last time I went on vacation, my wife begged me to bring more "just in case," and I still didn't even use half of it. But I will say one thing - she brings a ton of stuff, but she actually uses it, because she wants to look good wherever she goes. You won't hear a guy complain about that. And any guy who does - just remember the alternative is a greasy ponytail, a baggy t-shirt, and sweatpants.

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  8. A fridge... Now, that's what I call smart thinking. A man needs a cold beer when he goes camping.

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    1. I know, right? If I wanted warm, overpriced pisswater I'd just go to a ballgame and watch the Rockies bring further shame to our state.

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  9. It depends on your point of perspective, and a woman has many more options to consider when packing the support system she needs. Guys on the other hand, think strictly of comfort and toys and city boys show this trait most often.

    BTW, camping has been highly fictionalized as being fun. (I'm not a camper, I like my comforts, too) I'm a city girl, since I discovered I hate waking up in a tent with no bathroom close by. I'm talking tent camping, not the 'trailer' camping bit.

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    1. You won't hear either of us disagreeing with that whole city-boy thing. Give me an air conditioned room with a cold craft beer over sitting on a log with a warm Bud Light any day.

      And camping, for being "so much fun," is really only fun if you bring enough amenities to make it like hanging out at home. To this day I still can't figure out why we do it but... we do.

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  10. I pack like a woman. I went camping last month for three days and brought 5 shirts and 4 pairs of underwear. I wore only 1 pair of underpants the entire trip and changed my shirt maybe twice.

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    1. You pack like a woman, but you still dress yourself like a man, so that's all that matters. All hail the "sniff" test, the proven method of verifying whether a shirt is still good!

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  11. On one hand, this was a kind of disappointing post. When I saw the title, "Men: Packing with a Purpose", I thought it was going to be about men carrying firearms with them to the football game, the liquor store, the church, or anywhere else that men traditionally have needed firearms.

    But then I got to these lines...

    "How's that coffee coming along?"
    "Slow. The portable TV's really draining a lot of power from my generator."

    ...and I laughed and sneezed at the exact same time.

    Laughed because it's funny, sneezed because my new favorite soda pop (mixed with Jim Beam bourbon) makes me sneeze... when it's not burning my mouth to ashes. [Watch for the next F-FFF blog bit 'bout sodee pop with a "Pop!".]

    I really have "roughed it" while camping. Most notably a road trip from N.Y.C. to L.A. via the Eastern Seaboard and into the deep South. You may have read that blog bit. We were (not-) sleeping in sleeping bags stretched out on the lumpy ground, no tent over us, and (not-) waking up with countless red spots on our faces from the mosquitoes that bit us during the nights that we didn't sleep through. It was on that same trip where Eric and I went up against alligators at night in the Okefenokee Swamp with just one flashlight and one bottle of Lowenbrau beer between us. BAD idea!

    Roughing It is a bad idea (even if it made for an A-list great book by Mark Twain). I'm with you guys on this. There's no need for ten suitcases of high-heeled shoes. But a fridge filled with beer (even if it's only Lowenbrau) is pretty much essential. Also, it can't hurt to have TWO flashlights... and a coffee maker, and a TV (with DVD player for 'Frasier' episodes), and half a dozen generators. It's good to be in the Great Outdoors, but it's up to us men to make the outdoors "great".

    ~ D-FensDogg
    'Loyal American Underground... with a fridge o' beer'

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    1. Amen to all of that! ... except the Lowenbrau, which I believe is German for "when all else has been drunk."

      Come to think of it, maybe we DO need to make a post about men and their firearms. I don't know about you, but I think bringing a gun to church is a great idea. Pastor Jim's going a little long on his sermon? Not if I casually point to my watch and then wave my assault rifle at him...

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    2. >>... I don't know about you, but I think bringing a gun to church is a great idea.

      Oh, HELL, you kiddin' me?!
      I never leave home (for church) without it!

      The day is short and there's a fridge full o' beer to be drunk. Who has time for a full sermon on 'the evils o' alcohol' on a Sunday? (You saw what happened to those folks marching for the Temperance Union in 'The Wild Bunch', didn't ya? THAT couldn't have been possible without men with firearms!)

      ~ D-FensDogg
      'Loyal American Underground'

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  12. I don't drive even an hour away without first packing a cooler full of drinks and snacks, as well as an extra set of clothes!! LOL

    The Husband loves to camp. I, however, do not. I fear the outdoors and just about everything in it. In my defense, The Hub's idea of camping is more like an episode of Dual Survival. No sleeping bag, no tent, no refrigeration. Eat what you scavenge from nature. So, yeah, hard pass!! But after reading this post, I would totally be on board with camping the ABFTS way!

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    1. If being a "real man" means eating caterpillars and licking the dew off of leaves and sleeping on anthills then I'll gladly camp with the women in our public campground, with a toilet, and a grill, and bedding that doesn't leave you feeling like you just got in a car accident.

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  13. My favorite part of this post (yeah, I know I focus on the stupid things) was "Bry Bry's Lunchy Lunchy" written on the paper sack. hahahaha.

    With all of that stuff, I hope you stayed out there a while. It is a tremendous pain in the rear end to move your entire house to the middle of the woods and back again. Because everyone knows you can't camp without proper lumbar support. Or a refrigerator.

    I left a note last night on your last post (though I should have just waited until today) to tell you I dedicated something to you on the Thursday post. I hope you like it:)

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    1. Yep, we saw, and already jumped over there and commented, so you should see that soon. Because we suck at reading lately.

      Now that I think about it, we probably spend as much time unpacking/packing all our junk as we do actual camping. This depresses me.

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    2. I hope you noted that on the footage I dedicated to you this one thing: they were pretty darn good (all 8s ain't bad). So, it really was a nod to your post that even when you're phoning it in you do better than a lot of people. So, don't cringe. Hold your heads high!!!

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  14. I try not to take too much stuff with me on trips, but I do believe in packing at least two extra outfits, just in case. Stuff could get spilled on, or (knowing me), I could trip over a ladybug and fall into a mud puddle. It's best to be sure I'm covered on these things.

    Camping...sucks. I'm sorry, but it's the truth. I hate camping. The bugs, the heat, the lack of indoor plumbing...I mean you spend just as much money to stay in a hotel for a night as you spend on all that equipment and there's WAY less hassle. If you want to listen to the sounds of nature during your hotel stay, I'm pretty sure there's an app for that. If you want fresh air, open a window. If you want to get eaten alive by a bear...well I'd say you might need to see a special doctor about that...

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    1. It's true, camping sucks. As my wife so brilliantly said, "You guys are just playing house in the woods." Without all that stuff, camping would be miserable. Even with it, camping can still be miserable at times. Sitting around in the rain, drinking beer in complete silence, just thinking... I could be at home right now, in my underwear, watching cartoons.

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    2. And drinking beer, right? :)

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    3. I figured that was a given. Any activity is enhanced with drinking beer, such as baseball games, bar mitzvahs, and those days my wife decides she really, really wants to tell me about EVERYTHING she's thinking and feeling. :)

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  15. Oh . . . so that's why you guys where battery-powered head lamps at night!

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    1. It's important to keep your junk well lit, so you never have to wonder "where" it is. :)

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  16. I like your style! This is definitely the best way to camp.

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    1. Right? If I wanted to spend my day sitting on a rock and my night sleeping on the ground I'd be homeless.

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  17. "Women be packin', am I right? Women be packin! Men be like, 'Imma pack one pair of underwear and turn them shits inside out, boom, packed, let's drink and watch football,' am I right?!? Where my fellas at?"
    Is this not the cartoon recreation of your Def Comedy Jam appearance?

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    1. Man, you need to stay tuned for next week, when our topics will be:
      1) What dat booty had me like
      2) How Tyrone finally got his shit together
      3) A special presentation on what white girls be like

      "You ever notice how when white girls order they Starbucks they be all like..."

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  18. That closing comic, nice way to top it all off. Love it!

    On a more serious, "dudes, we need to talk" note, dudes, we need to talk. If you go camping and you take that much stuff with you, then you aren't camping, you're lifting. And when all your stuff gets moved around by a car, you're just being a wimp. My parents always took me camping (at an actual tourist-esque campsite though) and in hindsight it really was the shit. The positive kind, that stays afloat once it's found its balance.
    Man up and camp a couple nights without all those gizmos. (Basic cooking equipment is okay!) Sit around the campfire and tell "2spooky" stories or something. BE MEN.

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    1. Sounds like SOMEONE never got a chance to enjoy a fresh latte while camping.

      And for the record, we've been man-camping plenty of times. And had a blast doing it. But sometimes, especially as we get older, it's just nice to have that extra blanket. Yes, I know I CAN endure freezing my balls off... I'd just rather not.

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  19. I have never understood the appeal of camping. If I wanted to go shit in the woods, I'd have been born a bear.

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    1. I know you think being born as a bear is a lifestyle choice, but I kinda feel like maybe you're just born a bear or you aren't. That you don't really have any say or control over that.

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  20. I stayed a weekend at a friend's house a few years ago. I had to bring a duffle bag. Partially because of my stuff, partially because she was having her birthday party so presents were crammed in there, and partially because I had to return about half of her closet. The worst part is that I had so much stuff at her house, when I picked it up when I left, the duffle bag didn't want to close.

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    1. Ooh, you bring up something interesting. We might have to blog about this some time, the whole "borrowing and returning clothes" thing. I've seen my co-author sporting some very cool clothes, but at no point have I ever said, "Dude, you need to let me borrow that shirt. I'll trade you for my pants!"

      Everything about that just sounds incredibly wrong.

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  21. I've haven't camped ever since Yogi Bear stole my picnic basket. I'm scarred for life.

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    1. People seem to think that kind of behavior is cute and funny, but there's nothing hilarious about getting mauled by a hungry, 10 foot tall grizzly bear.

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  22. I'm a little less invested in taking stuff than I used to be. I've discovered that I don't actually die when I forget something.

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    1. Sure, I won't die if we don't bring a coffee maker, but suffering a caffeine headache first thing in the morning is practically worse than death. #JustYuppieThings

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  23. I Soooooooo WISH you guys could see me wiping my tears away from laughter. Oh please know that you're funny. I hope you wake up every morning knowing that you're not the norm. Okay, the "Bry Bry's lunchy wunch" cracked me up… along with the "Not Bryan" bag with the fierce face, lol… and yes, proper lumbar support is essential…

    Okay… I'm off to tweet this even though you hate twitter. And off to read your Tina post. :)

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    1. You should see what's inside those bags. Bryan's lunch has things like Twinkies and Ding Dongs while Brandon's is full of packing peanuts and tacks. I'm beginning to think she resents our time spent together...

      And we don't hate Twitter. We speak in 140 characters or less constantly.

      (Oh, and thank you, as always, for the kind words. You flatter us way too much)

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  24. Even with all that I would still hate camping.

    I found my night at the "Comfort Suites" (TM) to be insufficiently comfortable last May when the digital cable wouldn't work and the desk clerk couldn't fix it. I had to move the dresser myself and put the cable from one slot to another, using all my cunning and resources. Then the pillow wasn't fluffy enough. I went home at 2 a.m. TRUE STORY.

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    1. Who actually watches TV when you go to a Comfort Suites? Aren't you too busy banging the transsexual hooker you paid $10 and gave a fake name to, or is that just me?

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  25. ... and that is why I won't survive the apocalypse (TM).

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    1. The other day my Internet went down for 3 hours. During those 3 hours, I just sat on the couch, wondering what the hell I was supposed to do with my life. Everything came to a grinding halt.

      Trust me, you don't have to tell me about not surviving the apocalypse.

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  26. My hubby and brother love to go camping and they pack waaay too much stuff that they never use. Although they did pack a few extra bags of nuts and cheese puffs for the Kangaroo mice that seem to invade their campsite when ever they go. Good thing I've gotten them used to being around rodents or they would have freaked out by the little buggers jumping across their legs and into their bags of chips. LOL

    Hubby's birthday is coming up and I bought him some camping/outdoor gadgets like a new knife with a fire starter/whistle and bungee cord keychain that has a tiny fire starting kit and fishing line inside the middle of it and a water purification straw *because he's always wanted one* . Men love those weirdo outdoor gadgets.

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    1. Hey now, not ALL of those things are weirdo outdoor gadgets. Like the fire starting one. You know why we need that? Because fires are so damn hard to start. Seriously, how did cavemen start fires with sticks? And how do people manage to start forest fires? On a good day, with fresh wood, camping matches, and no wind, it'll still take a good half hour to get our wimpy little campfire going.

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  27. Replies
    1. Because cabins are so expensive! Much easier to buy every camping supply known to man. We're all about efficiency here.

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  28. This was hilarious, I am still laughing I think that comfy mattress would be at the top of the list for any camper and look you have your own water cooler. Too funny guys!

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    1. People laugh at the air mattress, but try sleeping on the hard earth; it's like slowly regaining consciousness after a 1,000 foot tumble down a mountain.

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  29. Aw, you camping troopers, you! One of the things about men and packing that endlessly amuses me is their obsession with getting things packed in the care JUST RIGHT. The last trip I went on with some girlfriends, my one friend's boyfriend, after shaking his head and moaning, took everything back out of the car and repacked it the 'right' way. And he wasn't even going on the trip!

    Good to 'see' you guys! I am, in fact, still alive :)

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    1. Wait, that's a thing? We just cram all of our stuff into the back of the truck, secure it with rope, and hope for the best. I think your friend's boyfriend has some kind of mild OCD.

      And hey, welcome back to the living! How was the underworld of blogging?

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  30. If that's how you guys camp, count me in. I liked camping with the bare minimums when I was in my 20's and early 30's but then it lost it's appeal when I could afford a hotel with all that shit in there. And, I could pack as many outfits I wanted. One for dinner, one for a trip to the ice machine, one for a visit to the front desk just because I can...

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    1. Now you can do that for camping, too! One for dinner, one for s'mores, one for the trip to the public toilet, don't forget your favorite hiking dress...

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    2. Ah, yes…the public toilet. Some of those things can be pretty nasty at a campsite.

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  31. My husband swears my lack of appreciation for his camping preparations comes from me never having been a boy scout. It comes from me asking the obvious- why not just get a hotel? Was that a gasp? What is it with men?

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    1. Because 4 men sitting around cooking food, taking a walk, and then getting some sleep in the woods is called camping; 4 men sitting around cooking food, taking a walk, and then getting some sleep in a hotel room is called an all day orgy.

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  32. I am rolling on the floor. This is hilarious - and SO TRUE!!! Am showing it to Husband when he gets home. I already know what his comment will be: "So what's your point?" At which time I'll smack him over the head with a tent pole.

    Loved your tribute to Tina, too.

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    1. You may smack him with a tent pole, but I don't think he'll be that concerned, because if he's like us he's got 7 extras that he keeps around just as spares, right next to the backup air mattress and the emergency food rations. You never can be too prepared, right?

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  33. So no hardcore man camping for your guys then?

    I try. I really really try. But somehow, my suitcase always ends up weighing 200 pounds. Camping is a different story though. As far as I'm concerned, you only need like 2 changes of clothes, a toothbrush and toothpaste, a sleeping bag, matches, a frying pan, a filleting knife, a machete, a rifle, and a dog.

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    1. You don't even take food? That's hardcore. Unless that's what the dog is for...

      My dog is too stupid to take camping. He's a stubborn Italian Greyhound, so he'd either rocket into the fire, or break one of his balsa wood legs, or run off into the forest and live forever with the squirrels as their king... for my sake, he's better off at home.

      Delete
  34. Most of my camping experience has been backpacking. Since you can only take what you can carry, I've learned to wear three layers of clothes and then you take them off from the inside out (no easy feat). It doesn't go over to big on a cross country flight, but hey what the heck, the airlines are getting so stingy about baggage, more and more women might give it a try.

    You packing skills at both modes of travel and leisure are pretty awesome, but it seems to be you probably come home from a camping trip smelling better than after three days on a luxury getaway.

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    1. Actually, I always come home from camping reeking of campfire smoke. And since you mentioned peeling off 3 layers of clothes from the inside out, I feel like this clip must be shared.

      Mr. Bean changing at the beach

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  35. Yeah, so long as I have my laptop, power, and a good wifi connection I can thrive pretty much anyone.

    Hell, maybe even camping would be ok. Though the idea of not having proper plumbing is a giant turnoff.

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    1. We've seen some campgrounds that have public bathrooms with full running water and showers, so never say never, right?

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  36. Thinking you may not like our deer camp then. No water, no power and no showers unless your brave enough to teabag the ice cold spring fed creek.

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    1. No water? What do you drink, the tears of the fallen deer?

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  37. Nothing comes between men and their toys! I noticed you really did rough it, as there was no ice-maker in that full-size fridge! This was hilarious, and so true! I could see this as an episode on Tim Allen's show. That would really boost his ratings!

    Julie

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    1. Yeah, we were really roughin' it last weekend. No ice maker, not even little umbrellas for our pina coladas. But sometimes you just gotta get back to the basics and really appreciate the simplicity of nature.

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  38. SHOW US A PARTY TRICK! HOW MANY GOLF BALLS CAN YOU RAM UP THAT DERANGED CUNT OF YOURS! BAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAA! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

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    1. Oh I've been to Thailand, so I know a thing or two about shoving golf balls up cunts, believe you me!

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  39. I used to like camping and so called "roughing it", but now my idea of camping is the nearest hotel room. I need all the comforts of home including a bed, toilet, shower, cable and wifi.

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  40. I hate camping and fight hard to get out of going when my wife suggests it. Plus, I have all that stuff at my house. It would drive me mad to pack it up to use somewhere else.

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  41. So... moral of the story... Guys pack enormous amounts of useful things and women pack enormous amount of things that make them look pretty??

    Meh. Sounds about right.

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  42. Oh, you guys crack me the hell up. Every. Time.
    It really is impossible to enjoy the beauty of nature without proper lumbar support.

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