It has recently come to our attention that, like the majority of fast-food employees who have begun to go on strike, we have been working for severely low wages here at A Beer for the Shower. Even though this blog brings in dozens of dollars a month*, we don't see any of it.
*approximately zero, give or take
So, like that pimple-faced french fry fryer slaving over your delicious heart attack sticks in the back of the McDonald's kitchen, we've petitioned to give ourselves a raise - $15 an hour. And to do that, we had to visit our boss, the CEO of A Beer for the Shower, Peggy Sue the Retarded Goat.
Peggy, as our wise and selfless CEO, reminded us that money didn't just magically appear out of nowhere. Our new salaries would have to come from someone. And since Peggy Sue had her own family to feed, it wouldn't be from her. After all, she needed to retain her million dollar salary and $2.5 million dollar quarterly bonus and Roth IRA retirement plan.
So for starters, we were going to have to eliminate our Internet access. And all forms of electricity.
And to help fund our salaries, we'd also have to start charging users to access "high quality" content on our site. AKA every single punchline, since we're just brimming with the utmost comedic quality around here... right?
(The answer, if you were wondering, is "ten tickles." That's how many tickles it takes to make an octopus laugh. Don't worry, the $15 surcharge will be delivered to you in the mail)
But alas, all of this still wouldn't be enough, because Peggy knew that readers would stop visiting the site. So we'd have to cut back even further.
From here, all cartoons would be outsourced to a third world country where English is not the first, second, or even third language. And all artwork would be pawned off to inbred goat farmers with severe learning disabilities who have absolutely no talent for art whatsoever.
Wow, look at that shitty artwork. Nice football head, Stewie Griffin. Where's Brandon's mouth? And what's with those stupid ass circle hands?
Ugh, okay, so on second thought, we couldn't put you guys through all of that. It's way too much quality sacrificed just so we could make $15 an hour. So in the end... we just said fuck it and decided to go work at McDonald's. After all, once that big minimum wage increase happens we'll finally be making the big bucks, which beats out our Plan B of shitting out some illegitimate children and going on welfare.
And let me tell you, flipping burgers is so much easier than writing and illustrating comedy.
We usually have something clever to add to the end of postings, but since we're now slinging burgers instead of blogging, I guess the only thing left to ask is... you want fries with that?
Cheers and stay motivated, friends,
Music: Jeremy Mage and The Magi
Beer: Titan IPA